HER GREEN EYES
by millsnichole22
Summary: INTENDED FOR MATURE READERS ONLY.
1. Chapter 1

THIS STORY USES JACE AND CLARY FROM TMI. THEY ARE SHADOWHUNTER'S IN THIS STORY. I HAVE USED MOST OF CASSANDRA CLAIRES CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY BUT HAVED ADDED A FEW OF MY OWN. I WON'T GO INTO EXACT AGES FOR THE CHARACTERS BUT FOR THE MOST PART ALL CHARACTERS ARE ANYWHERE FROM SIX MONTHS TO A YEAR AND A HALF APART. THIS STORY IS ALL FROM JACE'S POV. PLEASE REVIEW AND COMENT.

WITH LOVE

~N~

I'm lying in my bed listening to music when I hear a light knocking on my open door frame and when I look up I see Clary standing there looking at me.

"Hey, what up?"

"Nothing much. What are you doing in here?" She says shyly.

"listening to music; there's nothing else to do on this shitty day. I wish it would stop raining."

She just stands there in the doorway; not inside of my room and not in the hallway, she is stuck in limbo. I find myself internally chuckling at my stupid thoughts as I stare at this short red haired girl with piercing green eyes. Those green eyes of hers; always so alert and full of curiosity, they haunt me most nights when I have trouble falling asleep. I find myself so lost in thought that her voice makes my muscles jump.

"Is this kings of leon?"

"Yep."

"I thought that was what I could hear when I came down the hall. I recognized the vocals but I don't think I know this song. What's the name of it?"

"Black Thumbnail; it's off of the album Because Of The Times."

"I'm not familiar with that album; is it one of their older ones?"

"Yeah."

"Do you just have that album?"

"No I think I have three or four of their albums."

"Oh that many; I didn't even know you liked them."

"I like a lot of bands Clary."

"Really like what bands?"

"You can come in if you want to you know? You don't have to stand in the doorway."

It surprises me that I just invited her into my room; normally I don't let people in my room. Hell, normally I don't even like someone even just standing in my door way but I already told her she could come in so I guess I will just feel it out; I can always ask her to leave if I decide I don't want her in here. I keep my eyes glued to her as she slowly walks towards the chair on the other side of my bed and sits down; crossing her legs and brushing her hands over her skirt as she glances absently around my room. I think this is the first time I have seen her legs; usually she wears jeans all the time. Usually I enjoy seeing her dressed in a tight pair of jeans but this skirt is quite interesting to look at. With her sitting down I can see half of her pale thigh from the angle I am lying in my bed. I can also see that she is bare foot; dear god her feet are tiny, everything about this girl is tiny.

"Are you sure it's okay that I am in your room Jace?"

"Yeah…it's fine."

"You usually don't let people in here…are you going to answer my question?"

"Huh? What question? You asked me a question?"

She lets out the softest laugh I think I have ever heard from her lips before and I can't help but smile when she covers her mouth in embarrassment. Why is she embarrassed? She has a lovely laugh.

"What bands do you like?"

"Oh…sorry. Um…you know it would probably take less time to tell you what bands I don't like."

"Oh…"

"What bands do you like Clary? Maybe we like some of the same?"

"Well this one; kings of Leon; they are good. Um…saving abel, pop evil, banks, MCR; a lot of bands actually. I guess it depends on my mood."

"I can relate. How about stone sour; do you like them?"

"I don't know if I know who they are, maybe, what songs do they sing?"

I quickly scroll through my playlist on my Ipod and push play.

"This is stone sour; the songs called bother."

I watch her from the corner of my eye as she listens to the song; she taps her index finger against her bare knee. She bites her bottom lip as her eyes close in concentration and I feel my pulse quicken before I tear my eyes away from her.

"Oh yeah! I've heard this song before."

"It's good."

"Yeah…"

"Clary? Can I tell you something without you slapping the shit out of me?"

"Why would I hit you Jace? I would never hurt you."

The way she put emphasis on the word hurt makes me think that she has more meaning behind the word than just physically. Maybe I'm crazy? Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part? Maybe my hormones are raging out of control because there is a girl sitting in my room; not just any girl but this green eyed girl that makes my pulse race any time I am near her. Maybe if I don't say something to her in the next couple of seconds she will end up leaving.

"I figured you would listen more girly music."

There's that quite laugh again.

"What exactly is girly music?"

"You know; 1D, Taylor Swift, Beyonce; stuff like that."

"I like those bands sometimes; like I said it all depends on my mood."

"Got ya." I risk making her uncomfortable by winking at her. Either she didn't see me do it or she chose to ignore it; come to think of it she never responds whenever I wink at her.

"Do you know who Robyn is?"

"Robin Williams? The comedian?"

She covers her smile as she laughs softly again. I wish she wouldn't do that; I want to reach over and pull her hand from her mouth but remain still instead.

"No, no…the Robyn I'm talking about is a singer. She is I guess what you would consider girly music."

"Oh, sorry…no I don't think I have heard of her before. Why do you ask?"

"Well you were listening to kings of leon when I came in here and it made me think of one of her songs." 

"What? Kings of leon are in no way a girly music band!"

"I didn't say they were."

"You're confusing me."

"Sorry…"

Shit! I think I might have hurt her feelings; now I'm worried that she might leave if I don't say the right thing to her. She is wringing her fingers as she stares at her lap; she always wrings her fingers when she is nervous.

"Tell me what made you make that connection." I whisper softly to her; hoping to calm her nerves.

Her green eyes are looking right at me; they look surprised by my soft tone.

"They did a cover of one of her songs."

"Who did? Kings of leon?"

"Yes."

"Which song?"

"Dancing on my own."

"I didn't know that. Is it a good song?"

"Very good! Robyn's version is very upbeat and dance-y, but when Kings of Leon sing it, it's really slow and soulful, it's really pretty actually."

Her tone started off excited but ended almost dreamy; as though she we hearing the music in her head. As though she were playing both songs back to back in her mind where the first one is upbeat and the second one is slow and soulful.

"Where did you hear it?"

"YouTube. I'm kind of addicted to YouTube."

I lean over the side of my bed and pull my laptop out from underneath it. After turning on my laptop and pulling up the website I set my computer beside me.

"Come here Clary."

Her green eyes go wide as she looks at me.

"On your bed? Why?" I fight the urge to grin at her high pitched questions.

"Show me the song; I'm not going to bite you." 

After almost a full minute she gets out of the chair and sets down on my bed with her legs crossed. She pulls my laptop onto her lap and quickly types away at the keys before tapping the mouse button and holds out the laptop towards me. Instead of taking it from her; I just roll to my side and look at the screen as the song begins to play. I do my best to focus on the music with my body this close to hers. Being this close to her I can smell her hair and her clean skin; my pulse quickens again. I shift my body a couple of inches closer to her and I can feel her body heat near my elbow. After the song ends; I reach over and push the button on the mouse to play it again and can't help but notice how her body tenses when I accidentally brush her thigh with the back of my hand.

"Sorry…I just wanted to hear it again; it's really good."

"I know; I love it. The way he sings it gives me goose bumps; I wish they would record it so I didn't have to listen to it on YouTube all the time."

I keep focused on the song better as it plays for the second time; I'm surprised when I feel the flesh on my arms tingle as I listen to the vocals. I can't tell whether the bumps on my skin are from the song or from being so close to this green eyed girl. Her question snaps me out of thought.

"Do you want to hear the original version?"

"Yes please."

I watch her tiny fingers as she types the keys on the laptop and can't help but wonder what her fingers would feel like if she ran them through my hair. Christ Jace! Get a grip.

"I definitely like the kings of leon version of that song better."

"Yeah me too. Here's your laptop back."

"What other videos do you watch on here?"

She sets my computer back on her lap and begins to type away into the search box. She shows me quite a few videos and we both add our comments and opinions to each one. Before you know it almost a full hour has past; and she is noticeably more relaxed. She doesn't even seem to notice that my forearm is lightly touching her bare thigh; I on the other hand am so distracted by this fact that I find it extremely challenging to concentrate on the music she is playing for me.

"Here you go Jace; why don't you pick something. I'm drawing a blank for something else to listen to."

"The battery is almost dead anyhow so I guess I will just put it away."

She hands it back to me and I close my laptop and slide it back under the bed before rolling back on my side to look up at Clary as she continues to sit on my bed.

"Now what do you want to do?" I ask her.

"What? I-I…nothing!" there's that high pitched tone again.

Her green eyes burn into mine when I grab her wrist, preventing her from jumping off of my bed and bolting out of my room. I don't want her to leave yet; even though we have only really talked about music I am enjoying her company. I am actually surprised by the fact that I feel perfectly at ease with her not just in my room but sitting on my bed. As close as I am to Alec; I don't even let him in here. The only time Alec comes in here at all is to drop of clean laundry.

"What's wrong? You're not leaving me are you Clary?" I should be ashamed by the sound of seduction in my voice; yet I find it almost humorous because of her reaction to my previous question.

"I-I should probably go to bed it's getting late and I know you don't really want me in here anyway."

"Yes I do; I want you here. Why would you think I didn't want you in my room? Besides it's not even nine o'clock yet and tomorrows Saturday."

"Because you never let anyone in your room. Alec told me you don't like people in your room. Alec is your parabitai and you don't even let him in here…so…"

"I guess you're right. I never do let anyone in here do I? I think you are the first person who has ever been in my room for more than two minutes."

"Exactly; so I will go before I overstay my welcome. Thank you for letting me listen to music with you."

Once again her green eyes burn into me as I grab ahold of her wrist to keep her from leaving.

"Please don't go; I don't want you to go." God I sound so pathetic.

"Why?"

Instead of letting her go; I slide my hand down her wrist and lace my long fingers between her tiny ones.

"I like talking to you; we never get much time to talk."

Her fingers are frozen in place. She makes no attempt to remove her hand from mine but neither does she make the attempt to curl her fingers around my hand. She won't even look down at our hands; like if she doesn't look then it's not really happening or something. I fight the urge to laugh at her; her refusal to acknowledge me holding her hand reminds me of a little kid that covers their eyes or hides under the blankets when they are scared.

"You like talking to me? I thought you hated me."

"Hate you? Why would you think I hated you Clary? That makes me sad that you think that."

Her hand tenses in mine as she looks at me.

"I don't know. I'm sorry I said that. I guess maybe I thought you didn't like me because you never talk to me outside of the training room or even when we all go to Taki's."

"I never really get the chance to talk to you. Usually the only time I see you is when we are in the training room. It seems like anytime I come across you in the library or the greenhouse or pretty much anywhere here in the institute you make a swift exit whenever I walk into the room. I guess I figured you maybe didn't care for me."

"That's not true. I won't deny the fact that I usually leave when I you walk into the room but I assure you that has nothing to do with you. I guess I can be shy sometimes; awkward even. Maybe I would be less awkward to be around you if you were around more but you really aren't around much. Where do you disappear to all the time Jace?"

"Disappear? What do you mean?"

I am elated that she continues to allow me to hold her hand in mine as we talk.

"Usually when I walk past your room you aren't here. Where do you go all the time?"

"Out, I like to go for walks a lot."

"Walks huh? I thought you were at the club all the time."

"Well yeah sometimes I go to the club but probably not as much as you think."

"Oh…"

I hear her breath catch as I begin to trace small circles onto the palm of her hand with my thumb. I give her a small smile as I look up at her and am rewarded when she returns my smile with one of her own. This time when she puts her hand over her mouth I reach up with my other hand and gently pull it away.

"Please don't cover your smile Clary. You have a beautiful smile."

I was hoping to get another smile from her when I said that but instead her mouth drops open and her eyes go wide with shock. I now have both of her hands in each one of my own as I look into her eyes.

"You think I have a nice smile?"

"I didn't say that. I said you have a beautiful smile."

"You think I have a beautiful smile?"

"Yes, I do…you're a beautiful girl Clary and when you smile your eyes light up; let me tell you it's something to see that's for sure."

I'm not really sure what kind of reaction I was expecting from her but what she does is not at all what I wanted her to do. She yanks her hands free from my grip and jumps off of my bed in a flash and her green eyes are full of anger when she looks at me.

"Clary? What's wrong?"

"Why are you being cruel to me Jace? Is this some sort of game you are playing?"

Confusion clouds my thoughts as I watch her slowly backing towards the open door to my room. I Jump up off of the bed and with two quick strides of my long legs I wrap my hands around her tiny waist as I push her against the wall near my doorway.

"Please Clary. Please don't leave. I'm not being cruel; I'm not playing a game. Please believe me."

"You really think I'm beautiful? Why would you think that? I've seen some of the girls you talk to at the club; those girls are beautiful but not me."

"The world is full of beautiful girls Clary. You're right the girls at the club are nice to look at; but you're crazy if you think for one second that you aren't beautiful. You say that you feel awkward around me; please try not to feel that way. You have been in my room for over an hour now and I think you are doing just fine. In fact I haven't noticed you once being as you say awkward; a little shy but not awkward."

She is trying to read my face as I continue to hold her small waist between my hands. I do my best to let her see into my eyes; usually I keep my eyes guarded. I usually have a brick wall built up around me for protection but right now that wall is gone and right now she can see everything in me if she looks hard enough. This fact almost scares me but at the same time I find myself almost excited by the fact that I want her to see me. I want Clary to see who I really am; to know that there is more to me than what I portray every day. Her green eyes soften as she raises her hand to my face; she lightly presses her fingers against my cheek and I can't help but lean my face into her tiny palm.

"Jace…" Her whisper is so low I almost don't hear my name escape from her mouth.

"You are so beautiful Clary." I whisper just as softly as I inch my body closer to hers; another half of an inch and our bodies would be touching.

"I must be better at hiding my nerves than I thought I was because I have been a ball of nerves since I stepped foot in your room. The fact that you are saying those nice things to me, only make me feel more nervous. I'm not the kind of girl you usually…"

"Usually what?"

I slowly turn my head and kiss the inside of her palm as I continue to look into her eyes.

"I-I…I don't know…"

"Please don't be nervous; I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me Clary."

Her hand drops from my face as I place my hands on either side of hers and press my body against hers. My lips are so close to hers that I can feel her breath on my face and I can smell her toothpaste.

"Clary…" I whisper.

"I don't know how…" She whispers softly.

"Don't know how to what Clary?"

"Anything…I've never even kissed someone before."

Hearing her say those words answer so many of my questioning thoughts about her. Now I know. This green eyed girl is so pure and so innocent I feel like just having my hands pressed against her face somehow leaves a smear of dirt on her pale skin. I fight the urge to remove my hands from her face as I look at her. I really should tell her to leave my room before I do something to taint her innocence. The greedy part of me refuses to speak the words that she should hear instead of the ones that leave my mouth.

"I could show you. Do you want me to kiss you Clary?"

"Yes please."

I'm shocked with a wave of fear at her answer. Her words were clear as she spoke them and she bravely kept her eyes locked on mine. I thought for sure she would have ran screaming from my room at my question. I heard the tone of my voice when I said I could show her. Fuck I have a mental image of an evil villain in my head at my tone; the only thing I forgot to add to what I said to her was to tell I had a piece of candy for her. Her brave answer has me almost choking on my fear. I have never felt this kind of fear before when it comes to girls; not even the first girl I ever kissed at the age of twelve. Holy shit! My blood is pounding in my ears and my breathing is much faster than it should be right now. What is going on with me? I need to get a grip on myself; I need to be careful when I kiss her. If I kiss her the way I really want to right now she will run from the room screaming. I lightly caress her cheek as I calm my nerves before leaning my head down; our lips are just the fraction of an inch from touching. Her warm minty breath feels heavenly against my lips. I close my eyes as my lips brush against hers; her lips are soft and moist as she returns my kiss. I keep my kiss gentle as my lips move against hers. As much as I want to continue to kiss her sweet mouth my mind stops my lips from moving anymore.

"Are you sure you have never kissed anyone before Clary?"

"No, you're the first person I have ever kissed. Be honest; how bad was it?"

"It wasn't bad. It was good; very good actually. At least for me it was anyhow."

Her shy smile and the pink color that is washed over her pale cheekbones makes my heart begin to pound in my chest. She's just looking at me as she continues to smile at me. Is her stomach flipping too? I see her blood pounding in her veins; can she see that mine is pounding too? I wish she would say something; anything really.

"Did you like it Clary? Maybe I'm the terrible kisser here."

"No you're not…I liked the way you kissed me; it's just like I imagined it would be."

"You've thought about kissing me?"

"Yes…I just never thought I would actually get to kiss you Jace."

My body presses tighter against hers as I consume her lips with my mouth. Her soft moan surprises me and I hear my own moan escape my throat as her small fingers tangle into my blond hair. She gasps loudly and breaks our kiss when my tongue slides into her mouth and I freeze.

"I-I'm sorry Jace…I guess I didn't expect that…I'm sorry if I ruined it."

"Shh…you didn't ruin it. It's my fault; I shouldn't have done that. You're just such a good kisser I guess I forgot you have never done this before. I'm sorry Clary."

"You think I'm a good kisser?"

"Yes I do. Kissing you is…I have never…the way you…shit I can't even talk right…"

Now it's her turn to consume my lips with her mouth. My words gave her new found confidence as I feel her tongue slide across my bottom lip where I meet it with my own. Our tongues and our lips move hurriedly as our hands slide over each other's bodies. My heart is pounding fast and I can hear blood rushing in my ears as soft moans escapes her throat. Clary knots the fingers on one of her hands into my hair as she uses her other hand to push my body back towards my bed. When my knees bump against the mattress a low growl escapes my mouth as I pull her on top of me when I lower myself onto the bed. Her small hands slide down my body and I feel her fingers lift the hem of my t-shirt before I feel her warm hands against my stomach. I am completely lost in her kiss and every nerve in my body is aware of her hands on my bare skin. I slide my long fingers under the hem of her pale yellow sweater so I can feel her soft skin under my hands.

Her mouth moves fast and hungry against mine and she begins to moan as her hips begin to roll against mine. I feel blood pooling to my shaft at an alarming rate; I can't stop it from happening. The growl that comes from Clary as she feels my hardness pressed between her pale thighs stops me in my tracks and I break our kiss.

"Whoa…maybe we should slow down."

"Why? Don't you want to Jace?"

"Want to what Clary?"

Her body tenses as she cast her eyes down. Her whispers are so low I have to strain to hear what she says.

"Have…you know…have sex."

"Don't you think you're moving a little too fast Clary?"

In a flash I have her small body pinned underneath mine to keep her from running from my room. Her eyes are full of shame and tears as I look down at her. I gently kiss her between her coppery eyebrows in the attempt to soothe her. I pull back to look at her only to see a tear stream down her cheek and I feel a lump form in my throat when the look of shame remains evident in her green eyes. I kiss her tear away from her eye before bringing my lips to her ear.

"Please don't be ashamed Clary. Please don't cry."

"I'm sorry…" She sobs.

I take her face in my hands as I look into her sad eyes. I do my best to keep my golden eyes soft along with my words.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for; please don't be sorry. I would just be sick if you did something you didn't want to do. Please understand that I am in no way making fun of you by saying this Clary: but you are new to all of this and trust me when I tell you that your hormones are outweighing your thoughts right now."

"This is what I want." She whispers.

"Clary, listen to me…"

"It's all I can think about Jace. You're all I can think about. I dream about you every night; I dream about you kissing me. I dream about your hands on my body. I dream about you…I want you Jace…please…"

At first her words were rushed but by the time she finished speaking they were low and full of doubt. Not doubt in what she says she wants from me but doubt that I would give her what she thinks she wants; doubt that I return her feelings. Instead of telling her that I want the same things she wants I brush my lips across hers a few times before settling in for a deep kiss. I use my lips and my tongue to try to tell her how much I want her. If only she knew how much having my body pressed against hers and my mouth on hers affected my body. How just the gentle brush of her lips against mine makes my head spin with dizziness. The overwhelming pressure to be slow and gentle with her makes me stop kissing her. She needs to hear the words. She deserves to hear me speak the words that she so bravely spoke moments ago.

"I dream about you too Clary. I can't get you out of my head. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is your green eyes; your red hair; your sweet smile. I swear I can hear your soft laughter at the most random times even though you are nowhere close enough to me for that to be possible. I am completely and totally consumed by you Clary. Every waking second of the day and every minute of sleep is you."

Tears fill her green eyes once again as she knots her hands in my hair. I don't want her to cry; I want her to smile.

"Please don't cry…" I whisper softly as I stroke her cheek with my thumb.

"Please Jace…I want this; I want you."

I can see in her eyes how much she really does want this; how much she has thought about this moment. Blood races in my veins at the thought of what is about to happen in my room. I have never had a girl in my room. I have never had a girl in my bed. There is in fact a girl in my room as well as in my bed; not just a girl but Clary. She is so good and so pure that I am overwhelmed by what she is asking of me.

"You want me to take away your virginity? You can't take that decision back Clary; once it's done it's done. Are you sure this is what you want?"

"No I don't want you to take my virginity; I want to give it to you. I don't like to use the words taken or lost when it comes to my virginity."

A lump forms in my throat once again at her honesty; at her bravery. There are so many things I want to say to her right now but the look of shame is beginning to return to her eyes as I continue to look at her. Before there is full blown shame in her eyes I plant a light kiss on her lips before I kiss a slow path from the corner of her mouth all the way to her ear. I use my teeth to pull her ear into my mouth and my whole body shivers when she softly moans as I nibble her ear. A small groan escapes my mouth as her hands slip under my shirt. Her hands are soft and warm on my stomach. Her fingernails drag through the line of hair that runs from my naval all the way down to my shaft. My body shivers again when I feel her fingers curl around the buckle of my belt. I can feel her small body moving underneath mine; she is trying to unpin her legs from underneath mine. I press my body tighter against hers to keep her still; I know if I allow her to free her legs she will wrap her pale thighs around my hips, and right now I just can't let her do that.

I am fully aware that my bedroom door remains wide open and that I need to stop kissing her so that I can shut it and turn the lock on the handle. I continue to kiss her soft lips as I lace my fingers into her soft hair. I want to run my hands all over her body but I need to go slow; I need to take my time. This beautiful girl deserves to have her first time be gentle and unhurried by my greediness for her body. The truth of the matter is; part of the reason why I am keeping my hands off of her body is because I'm scared. I can't let her know that I'm afraid; if she knows that I'm scared then she will get scared and I don't want that. I have been with so many girls; I have done so many different things with girls- things I would be embarrassed to even tell Clary about let alone do to her. That being said what is about to happen with Clary I have never even come close to doing. What if I hurt her? What if she doesn't like how I touch her? Do I have enough willpower to control myself? Can I keep a slow pace with this sweet girl to make this special for her? The anxiety begins to take over my body as she continues to run her hands over my ribs. Her kisses become hungrier as her hands move around my waist and her nails dig into the skin on my lower back. I gasp as I break our intense kiss to look into her eyes.

"Are you sure this is what you want? We can slow down; we don't have to do anything but kiss for tonight. There is no reason why you should rush this Clary."

"Please Jace; please, this is what I want."

"I need to go lock the door okay?"

Her head jerks to look at my open bedroom door and her cheeks turn bright red as she realizes that anyone could walk by and see us at any moment. I brush a lock of her hair off of her face and plant slow kisses down the length of her throat.

"You should definitely go lock the door now Jace." Her voice is so raspy that it makes my body shudder.

Before I can get lost in this beautiful girl I quickly slide my long body off of her small frame and lock my door after closing it. When I turn around my breath catches in my chest as I take in the sight of Clary lying on my bed. Up until an hour ago; I had no idea just how much I wanted this girl. Everything I have ever known, every attempt at keeping myself closed off and hidden from people is completely gone when she smiles sweetly at me from across the room. When I feel my mouth turn up into a smile her smile grows larger and she reaches her thin arms out to me; beckoning me to return to her body. I slowly walk back towards my bed as my eyes drink her in; she is so perfect. Standing at the edge of the bed I do my best to hide my nerves and give her a sexy smile as I pull my t-shirt off. I can do this; I can make this moment special for her.

The complete look of faith and trust that she gives me is enough to calm my nerves as I lower myself onto the bed. I keep my eyes locked on hers as I use my hand to pull her thighs apart so that I can slide my body between her pale legs. I continue to look at her as I slip one of my hands under her sweater; her skin is soft and warm under my fingers. I use my other hand to grip her small thigh in my fingers. Loosening my grip on her thigh; I slowly run my hand up the length of her leg until my fingers grip her small hip as I capture her mouth in mine for a slow kiss. As I kiss her sweet mouth my hands are on her body and I feel my panic begin to rise once again. My large hand covers the span of her tiny waist as my other hand grips what feels like half of her body. Dear god she is so small; how can I do this? How is it possible for me not to hurt this tiny girl with my body? She feels so small and so fragile under the size of my body. My whole body goes rigid when I feel her loosen my belt buckle. She can feel the resistance in my body and her hands still as she breaks our kiss.

"Jace? What's wrong?"

"I-I…Clary…I'm sorry… I don't think I can do this. I don't know if I can give you what you want."

"Why? Please Jace…please I…"

My hurried words cut off her sad pleading.

"I'm scared Clary. I don't want to hurt you. Look at me; look at you. Dear god, you are so damn tiny and I am so…so damn afraid of hurting you."

"I trust you Jace. You're not going to hurt me. You should give yourself more credit then you are right now. Yes you are strong and powerful; I've seen the damage that you can inflict with your size. I have also seen how gentle you can be; I have seen your strong hands pick a delicate flower off of a plant without crushing it between your long fingers. Remember that day we were training in the park and you put that baby bird back into its nest? You were so slow and gentle when you picked it up. Please don't be afraid to touch me; please just try…please…"

She wraps her legs around my hips and pulls our bodies tightly together as she locks her ankles together behind me. I place my hand on her face as I look into her eyes and caress her cheeks with my thumbs.

"You know I'll stop if you want me to…I would never push you…I would never…"

"Kiss me Jace…"

She doesn't wait for my response; she pulls my mouth to hers and kisses me hard on the lips as she squeezes her thighs tighter around my body. I allow her to continue to kiss me wildly for a few moments longer before I pull away from her mouth.

"Slow…okay…we need to go slow Clary." I warn.

Her eyes tell me that she understands the need for us to go slow as I caress her face. I slowly run my fingers over her face and down her neck as I look down at her tiny nose; there is a light spray of freckles across her nose and cheeks that I now have the pleasure of seeing up close. I want to count each one of her freckles; I want to see how much more of her pale skin is covered with them. I start to kiss her face gently with just the brush of my lips; working my way down her neck. My lips travel behind her ear where I run my tongue along her soft skin.

"You smell so good Clary…" I whisper.

I run my tongue down her neck; stopping at her collarbone where I begin to gently suck the sensitive skin there. Her soft moans sound like music to my ears as her warm hands run over my bare chest. I slide my hand down the length of her slim body and curl my fingers under her sweater to feel her skin. I stop my sucking and look at her as my hand slides higher up her waist; lifting her shirt up as I go and pause just under her breast.

"Can I take this off Clary?"

"Yes." She breathes.

I lift my chest off of hers as I pull her sweater off of her body while my eyes are locked onto her face. After tossing her shirt onto my bedroom floor I begin to lower my eyes down to her chest. She has on a plain white bra that covers her small breasts. I think I have seen every color and style of bra on the market but this simple white bra on this green eyed girl is the sexiest thing I think I have ever seen. Even over the pounding rain on my window I can still hear her shallow breaths as I continue to look at her body. When I place my hand on her chest between her breasts; I feel the muscles in her body trembling under my touch. Not knowing if her trembling is a good or bad reaction to my touch; I lower my head and plant light kisses on her soft skin. I want to kiss a path down her body but her legs are too tight around my body to allow me to move any lower than between her breasts. I carefully slide my fingers over the fabric of her bra; feeling her nipple harden under my touch as she moans loudly. Taking my time I lower the top of her bra slightly so that I can kiss her skin. When I run my tongue over the top of her breast I feel her fingers knot in my hair and I feel her hips lift off of the mattress as she grinds her body against mine.

I take my time kissing my way across her chest to her other breast. When I bravely slide my fingers under the fabric of her bra to touch her nipple her grinding becomes more forceful and her moans come faster. The way she moves her tiny body against mine along with the sounds of pleasure that she makes tells me how bad she really wants this to happen. Keeping my hand under her bra I slide my hand behind her back making sure to pause my eager fingers at the clasp.

"Can I take this off too?"

When she doesn't answer I look up at her sweet face only to see the look of embarrassment in her green eyes.

"What's wrong Clary?"

"No one's ever seen me before."

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No, I don't want to stop. It's okay, you can take it off."

"Are you sure? You don't look like you're sure."

"Just a little intimidated I guess. I know I'm not the kind of girl you're used to seeing naked."

I quickly close my eyes and kiss her mouth before she can see the look of anger in my eyes. As I kiss her; her body reacts in the opposite direction of my intentions. I wanted my kiss to soothe her and make her tense muscles relax; instead I feel her body go rigid underneath mine. My first thought is to stop kissing her and attempt to reassure her with my words but decide to approach her anxiety from a different angle. Bravely I unclasp her bra and smoothly remove it from her body; tossing it to the floor. I feel her arms leave my chest as she covers her bare chest with her small hands. Lifting my body from hers; I shift so that I my weight is on my knees. When I place my hands on top of her trembling fingers I look into her eyes; seeing the look of embarrassment full blown in her eyes as her cheeks blaze with color.

"Please don't be embarrassed to have me see you. I'm not even worthy of seeing your beautiful body as it is; let alone for you to feel shame about it."

"What do you mean you're not worthy? Why would you say that Jace?"

"You are so pure and untouched and I am absolute filth compared to you. I am the one who should be ashamed to see you; ashamed to touch you, and ashamed to mark your skin with my filthy hands."

Anger flares in her green eyes as she pulls her hands away from her naked chest. My stomach flips violently at the sight of her pale skin as she places her hands on my face; Christ she is beautiful. With surprising force she lifts my face; effectively peeling my eyes off of her naked chest. At first I think I can feel her trembling again but within seconds I realize that my body is the one that is shaking with fear. My own words sink into my head as my chest tightens. What the hell am I doing? How dare I touch this beautiful girl? How dare I allow my golden eyes to gaze at her naked body? I am completely unworthy of even being in the same room with this innocent green eyed girl let alone to be doing what I was to her; what I still want to do to her.

My body aches with want for this tiny red head that is laying on my bed; my bed that has never had a girl in it before. The kind of girls I usually seek out for intimate moments are absolute garbage compared to the goodness that is Clary. Her voice breaks me from my own mental assault.

"Jace…please don't say things like that. I want you. I want every part of you. You are beautiful and you are amazing. Please don't say such ugly things about yourself."

"I have no right to see your gorgeous body. I have no right to touch you with my filthy hands. Why do you want me? Why would you want to lose…I'm sorry…I mean give your virginity to me? I have done so many things; been with so many girls…girls that are nothing compared to you…girls that…"

"Please stop…please stop belittling yourself Jace. I feel like all I have done since you kissed me is beg you for more. Beg you to touch me, beg you to kiss me, and beg you to try. Those horrible things you say about yourself makes my chest ache. You say that I am pure and you say that I am beautiful; did you ever stop to consider the fact that maybe I see you the same way? Have you stopped to consider how honored I feel to be allowed in your room; in your bed and how completely honored I feel to have you touch me? I have wanted you for so long. I have fantasized about what it would be like to feel your lips on mine; what it would feel like to have your hands on my body. I feel like I'm dreaming right now because I always thought that I was unworthy of your attention."

I choke back a sob at her confession. My lips consume her mouth with fierceness and need. All the feelings of want for her are now gone and are replace with an overwhelming amount of need as I understand how much her body needs what she is asking of me. My body no longer trembles and my hands are steady as I pull her skirt and underwear off of her slim legs. She runs her hands down the length of my naked chest and her fingers are also steady as she opens my belt. Blood pounds in my ears as my breathing becomes erratic from her touch. She has my belt unhooked and the button of my jeans undone but before she can lower my zipper I grip her hand in mine to stop her. I pull her fingers to my mouth and kiss each one softly as I look into her eyes. My eyes are trying to tell her to slow down.

"Jace…ple…"

"Shh…I'm not stopping you; I just want to slow down okay? I promise I'll try."

I take my belt off and set it on my nightstand before I lower my hands and eyes to her pale skin. I don't think I have ever taken this much time to look at a girl's body before and I want to see and touch every inch of hers. Sex has always been so rushed and careless but this time with Clary needs to be the polar opposite of everything I have ever done before. Right now this is so much more than just sex between two people; this is a pure and total moment of intimacy that should be approached with gentleness and without time restrictions.

"So soft…so beautiful…" I whisper to her.

Starting at her left knee I begin to kiss her skin; working my way up her thigh and pausing at the curve of her hip where I graze her skin with my teeth. Her body shudders with pleasure as my hands and mouth move over her skin. I look into her warm eyes and find that they are no longer filled with shame or embarrassment. Now her green eyes are filled with longing and need for me. I slide my hand down her waist a little bit at a time as I work my way towards her center. Her breath hitches when my fingers brush her soft hair between her thighs. I pause my fingers to search her eyes for permission to go further. Her hands wrap around my shoulders as she lifts her hips off of the mattress. Her movement causes my fingers to slide closer to her center and when she moans softly that is all the permission I need.

My fingers find her warm center and my body shudders from her wetness. I start to stroke her sensitive flesh with the tips of my fingers; taking the time to adjust my pressure and speed to make her feel pleasure like she has never felt before.

"Does this feel good? Is this how you touch yourself Clary?"

Her passion filled eyes go wide at my seductive questions.

"I-I…never…I mean I don't do that."

"You don't touch yourself? Why?"

"I just never have before."

Dear god my entire body shudders violently at her startling confession. The fact that she has no idea what is about to happen to her body makes my need for her increase at an alarming rate; I feel my jeans become uncomfortably tight against my growing shaft. I put my discomfort in the back of my mind as I focus on touching her body; this moment is about her not me. Her moans turn to pants as I increase the speed of my fingers against her center. I am in awe of her beautiful face as I watch so many different emotions streak across her face and in her eyes from my touch. When I see the look of fear and panic in her eyes I slow my stroking as I cup her face in my other hand so she will look into my eyes.

"It's okay Clary…don't be scared…just let go…just feel it…"

Her loud gasps as she reaches her peak cause a grin to spread across my face. I don't want her to think I am making fun of her so before she can see my grin I consume her mouth with mine. Her lips struggle to keep pace with mine as she rides out her climax and she bites my bottom lip in frustration causing me to growl at the sensation. Once she releases my lip from her teeth I bury my face in her neck and begin to kiss, lick and bite her skin as I carefully slide one of my fingers deep inside of her moist center. Her thighs clamp tightly around my body as her fingernails dig into my shoulders as I stroke her at a steady pace. Feeling her body adjust to my finger I carefully slide in another finger and continue to stroke her. Her moans turn to needy whimpers as she begins to grind her hips against my fingers and within moments she reaches her peak once again. I slow my stroking as she comes down off of her clouded bliss; her eyes are glassy and almost distant as I look at her.

Removing my fingers from her center I capture her mouth in a deep kiss before I start to kiss a slow path down her body. Her fingers are tangled in my messy hair as I kiss her stomach. I continue to kiss my way towards the soft hair between her thighs but before I can reach her center with my mouth she pull my hair hard enough for me to stop my path to look up at her.

"What are you doing Jace?"

"Kissing you…making you feel good."

"There? You want to kiss me there?"

"Very much…why don't you want me to?"

"I'm uncomfortable to have you kiss me there."

I slide my body up higher so I can cup her face in my hands. I search her eyes and find the look of embarrassment. I brush my lips gently across her mouth a few times before settling in for a deep kiss as I stroke her cheek with my fingers. I stop kissing her so that I can reassure her that I won't do anything that makes her uncomfortable.

"If you don't want me to then I won't."

"Please don't…I don't want you to kiss me there Jace."

"Shh…relax Clary…I won't; I promise. Do you want to stop for tonight?"

"No! I still want to! Please Jace!"

Her high pitched voice is loud and full of pleading inside of my bedroom walls. For the fraction of a second I am concerned with the thought of anyone hearing what is going on behind my locked door but decide to ignore the thought as I slide my jeans off of my body. This is the big moment…when I take off my boxer short she will see me; she will see what she thinks she wants inside of her small body. I feel my heart pounding in my chest as I lower my boxers down my hips; her green eyes go wide when she sees my hard shaft slide out of the fabric. After tossing my shorts on the floor I set back on my feet and rest my hands on my thighs as she continues to look at my naked body. Uncertainty and fear begins to fill my body as silent seconds tick by. Suddenly I feel the urge to hide my body from her eyes; suddenly I feel like running into the bathroom and crying like a small child. She can see the fear and shame in my eyes when she looks at me. She stops my hands from covering my offensive body part by griping them tightly with her own hands.

"Kiss me Jace…" She whispers.

Once again I am surprised at the strength that this tiny girl has as she forcefully pulls my body on top of hers. I keep my hips far away from her as our lips meet. I begin to kiss her slowly but her soft lips move with urgency against mine as her hands and legs wrap around my body; pulling every inch of our bodies together. Her gasp breaks our kiss when she feels my hardness pressed between her thighs and my body freezes in place. Before I can lift myself away from her; she begins to grind her wet center against my aching length. With a few movements of my own hips I match her grinding with the same speed as hers.

Just feeling her skin against my skin fills my body with so much pleasure that I feel a wave of dizziness at the thought of being inside of her. I enjoy the feeling of our skin against each other's for a few more strokes before I still my movements.

"Are you sure this is what you want Clary?" My voice comes out shaky and hoarse.

"Yes." She answers with conviction.

I reach over and take a condom from the drawer of my night stand and she loosens her tight grip on my body so I can slide the protection over the length of my shaft. Her hands never leave my body as her green eyes burn into my golden eyes. Her eyes are filled with desire and need for my body and there isn't a single trace of fear or unease as I look at her. Seeing that look in her eyes gives me all the confidence I need to lower my shaft to her center. I press my hardness carefully at her opening and I think we both have stopped breathing as we anticipate her reaction to my intrusion of her body.

"Don't be afraid to stop me Clary…" I whisper.

"Okay…" She breathes.

I hold my breath once again as I begin to push into her center and I gasp at the feeling of her tightness. Her soft whimpers still my movements and I freeze as I look into her wide eyes.

"Should I stop? Do you want me to stop?"

"No…just go slow okay."

I keep my hips still as I kiss her softly for a moment; carefully I push further into her but stop again when she whimpers in pain. Her whole body is ridged underneath me and her center is almost painfully tight around my shaft. My mind is screaming for me to stop and pull out of her even though my body aches to be inside of her completely. I promised her that we would try and she said she didn't want to stop. I take a moment to look at her glassy eyes.

"Please try to relax Clary…I don't want to hurt you…you're too tense; if you don't relax I will hurt you and I don't want that."

"Kiss me Jace…" Her words sound almost uncertain.

I keep my hips still as I kiss her softly on the lips. Her tongue enters my mouth and within seconds our kissing is hungry and full of need. As we continue to kiss I slide my fingers over her sensitive clitoris and begin to stroke her with the same speed of our tongue movements. Within a few strokes from my circling fingers I feel her center starting to adjust to my size and I carefully push my length into her further only to stop when I feel her thin layer of virginity against my shaft. Keeping my hips still I prepare for her to cry out as I break through her virtue. I stop kissing her to look into her eyes; I need her to look at me when I push into her further. I need to see if I will hurt her; I need to see if the pain is too much for us to continue.

"Are you okay? Does it hurt?"

"Please don't stop Jace…please I want this…" She pleads.

"Don't close your eyes…I need to see your eyes okay?"

"Okay…"

When I push through her virginity her eyes fill with tears and her loud cry of pain makes my stomach flip violently. As much as I want to pull out of her body I can't because her arms and legs grip my body tightly as she squeezes her eyes shut. I see a tear slowly start to run down her pale cheek and I use my lips to kiss away the evidence before I lightly kiss her entire face and then settling in for a deep kiss as her hands knot in my sweaty hair. After we kiss a little longer I bravely push the rest of my length inside of her and we both gasp at the feeling. Her gasp is from the feeling of fullness and my gasp is from the feeling of her tight center completely surrounding my aching shaft. I continue to stroke her with my fingers as we kiss a few moments longer as her body adjusts to my size. I stop my stroking and break our kiss to see her smiling softly up at me.

"You okay Clary?"

"Yes, I'm okay."

"Do you need me to keep still longer?"

"No, I think you can move if you want to."

"It doesn't matter what I want; this is about you. What do you want me to do?"

"Move. Please move."

Carefully I begin to rock into her with slow movements as I watch her face for signs of discomfort. When I see her smile again; it's enough to give me permission to increase my pace. Her green eyes flutter closed as her hands run across the skin at my lower back. Both of our bodies are slick with sweat as I rock into her and her soft moans begin to increase as she nears her release. Moments later her nails bite painfully into my lower back and she drags her nails all the way to the top of my back in one quick movement as she shudders around me. Her body is slowly starting to stop shaking just as mine begins to shake from the start of my own climax and after a few more thrust of my hips I find my release before collapsing on top of her tiny body. I burry my face into her hair and wrap my arms around her back to hold her tightly as I fight to control my ragged breathing.

Carefully I slide out of her as she whimpers; I roll off of her and pull her close to me. We are both laying on our sides as we face each other. I can still hear the rain tapping against the window as I stroke her eyebrow with my thumb. Her eyelids are heavy with exhaustion and I find myself elated at the idea of sleeping next to her and waking up to her beautiful face in the morning light. When she closes her eyes I kiss her cheek but before I can capture her lips in mine she rolls over and gets out of my bed.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to find my clothes."

"Why?"

"I'm tired and I can't walk to my room without my clothes."

Her clipped words cause me to go mute as I watch her quickly dress. Before I can wrap my brain around the words I want to say she whispers a hushed goodnight and leaves my room. What the fuck just happened? Why did she leave? Should I go after her? Should I give her time and space so that she can process what we just did? I stare at my clock as the minutes tick by and more questions swirl in my head. After watching the numbers change three times I roll off the bed and dress quickly before going to find her.

I knock softly on her door and wait for her to respond. A full minute goes by and I press my ear to her bedroom door as I try to turn the locked handle; I can hear her shower running in her bathroom. Knowing that unless I pound loudly on her door she won't even know I am out here; I decide to just go back to my room before I risk waking up the rest of the house seeing how it's almost midnight. I flop on my bed and stare at the ceiling as more and more questions fill my head. I spend the entire night playing back what we did. I thought about how amazing it felt to have her hands on my body and how amazing it felt to be inside of her. If you added up every single sexual experience I have ever had and jammed them together into one single feeling they still wouldn't hold a match to the way it felt to be with Clary.


	2. Chapter 2

At 6:15 in the morning I give up any hopes of sleep and climb out of bed to go get a shower. Once I finish my shower and get dress I go down to the kitchen to make some coffee. I have a feeling there won't be enough caffeine in the whole world to help my exhaustion from not sleeping last night. Every time I thought I was going to fall asleep; either I would think of a new question about Clary and I's intimate moment or I would see her green eyes burning into mine.

I am surprised when I find Alec setting at the kitchen table with his pale fingers wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee. It's unusual for him to be up so early in the morning; it's unusual for anyone in this house to be awake and ready to start the day by seven in the morning come to think of it. During the week on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays we are expected to be in the training room by nine; but it being Saturday it is rare for anyone to even be out of their room before nine or ten.

"Jace? Why are you up so early?"

"Funny; I was going to ask you the same thing."

"I have a few things to do this morning. Magnus wants to take me to a concert in the park today and if I don't get my stuff done then I will have to wait till Tuesday."

"What kind of stuff? What concert?"

"Just stupid shit. You know I need to take some gear in for repairs and return a few movies nothing too important. Why are you up already?"

"You still haven't told me what concert you are going to with Magnus."

"To be fair Jace; I asked you why you were up early first and you never answered me."

Christ, he can drive me crazy some days. I roll my eyes at his smug grin and take a sip from my coffee as I decide what to say to him.

"I just couldn't sleep; no big deal. It happens sometimes. So tell me about this date you have with Magnus."

I return his smug grin with one of my own and he laughs loudly and slaps his hand on the table.

"To be perfectly honest with you Jace; I don't have the slightest clue what kind of concert it is. I made the mistake of droning out Magnus's rambling the other night only to have him remind me that we were going to central park today. I couldn't risk him getting pissed at me so I just pretended to be excited about going."

"Are you sure it's even a concert at all? How do you know he isn't dragging you off to some sort of fashion show or craft exhibit?"

Panic spreads across his face as he runs his fingers through his dark hair and I can't help but laugh at him. He stops running his hands through his hair and shakes his head before he narrows his blue eyes at me.

"No I am almost certain that he said the word concert; besides if it were some sort of fashion show he would be taking Izzy not me because he knows I hate that shit."

"Hmm…that's true but it could still be a craft show. You know how much you enjoy looking at handmade baskets Alec; don't even try to deny your love for wicker."

I throw my head back in laughter when he punches my shoulder as he rises from his chair. My laughter tapers off after he leaves me sitting alone in the kitchen and I find my head begin to swirl with questions as the quiet morning surrounds me. I rest my head on my arm as I continue to overthink the events from last night.

"Jace! What on earth are you doing?"

I wipe a stream of drool from the corner of my mouth as I watch Izzy pour cereal into a bowl. Glancing at the clock above her dark hair I am surprised to find that is almost noon.

"Hello? Earth to Jace?"

"Sorry…I must have fell asleep. Are you just getting up?" 

"I didn't realize that I was the only one who had a late night last night."

"I didn't even go out last night."

"Oh…then why are you sleeping on the kitchen table?"

"I slept like shit last night…I guess I dozed off. So what did you do last night; let me guess a certain vampire that can walk around in the daylight has something to do with."

"Yes I was out with Simon. I guess we lost track of time; I didn't even get in till almost four this morning. You look like shit by the way."

"Geez thanks; love you to Iz."

"Did you get any sleep at all last night? It sure doesn't look like it."

"You have been spending a lot of time with the blood sucker lately; should I be concerned?"

"Why would you need to be concerned? Why are you so against Simon anyhow?"

"I never said I was against him. As far as me being concerned; well I am your brother. Can't your brother just be concerned for your well-being? Do I need to have a man to man talk with Simon?"

Izzy flips her hair over her shoulder as she scowls at me from across the kitchen. She moves her jaw in anger as she quickly chews her bite of cereal. I smile sweetly at her in attempt to calm her anger down.

"Jace since when are you concerned about my well-being? You have never showed any interest whatsoever in the guys I date. Why all of a sudden do you care?"

"You're joking right? Iz I have always been concerned with your well-being. I never showed any interest in the other guys because none of them ever lasted more than a week or so. You have been spending time with Simon for almost six months now; that's like marriage for you."

"Shut up Jace!"

I can't help the laughter that shakes my body as she shoots flames out of her nose at me. With a loud huff and a stomp of her foot she stalks out of the kitchen leaving me alone. I glance at the clock after what feels like hours only to find that it's just a little after one. I wonder why Clary didn't come down for lunch? I wonder if she came down for breakfast and saw me drooling on the table? I get up off of my chair and stretch my stiff muscles before heading upstairs to find her. Her bedroom door is cracked open by about three inches and when I peek inside I can see her under a mound of blankets; only a small patch of her red hair sticks out from the top of her blanket. Silently I creep into her room and take a seat in her chair that is beside her bed.

Looking around her room; I realize how much she has really made herself at home here at the institute. There are dirty clothes scattered across the dusty floor and she has piles of folded laundry in baskets and piled high on top of her dresser. Two of her dresser drawers are open; revealing nothing inside of them but one stray sock. There are art supplies on almost every surface of her room. Her nightstand is smeared with yellow paint and there are dried blue dots of paint on the floor near her bathroom door. Looking into her bathroom I can see that her messiness takes on a whole new level. There must be a dozen damp towels laying on the floor and her trash can is overflowing with tissues. I lean over in her chair to see toothpaste smeared all over her sink. Her counter is piled with brushes, hair products, and her spilled make-up bag. I can't help but smile at her spilled make-up bag as I remember her and Izzy's twenty minute argument that they had months ago about how important it is for Clary to have the bag full of cosmetics. I continue to smile when I see that most of the make-up is still sealed in the packages; Clary never wears make-up. She doesn't need to wear all that crap; Clary is naturally beautiful.

Her slight movement under her blankets pulls my attention back to her hidden body. Part of me wants to climb under the covers with her and bury my face in her hair as I fall asleep with her head on my chest. Part of me wants to bolt from the room as I am reminded of her swift exit from my own room last night. Her green eyes have a look of surprise in them when she lowers her blanket and sees me sitting in her chair.

"Hi…" I whisper with caution.

"What are you doing in my room?"

Her voice is clear and stern as she looks at me. I feel my stomach roll as her green eyes narrow at the sight of my intrusion in her room.

"I-I'm sorry…I just wanted to see how you are. You left in such a hurry last night and it's after one; you haven't left your room all day."

"It's Saturday; can't a person just enjoy a lazy day once in a while?" She snaps.

"Clary? Did I do something wrong? Are you angry with me?"

"Don't be ridiculous Jace."

I am careful with my tone when I speak to her again. She keeps snapping at me and my normal reaction would be to snap back; but I don't want to do that to her. The words that come out of my mouth are soft.

"You seem very upset; angry almost…if I did something you can tell me…"

"Geez shut up Jace! Not everything is about you all the time you know? Look I'm sorry for being short with you but I just wanted to have a nice relaxing day so if you wouldn't mind leaving so I can get back to my lazy day I would really appreciate it."

Her words drip with spite and sarcasm as she stares up at her ceiling. What the fuck is going on? She is pissed yet she refuses to admit that fact and she refuses to talk to me about what is bothering her.

"Are you having regrets about what we did?" I whisper; my words are heavy with disappointment and fear.

"No…I don't know…maybe…can you just go okay?" She softly whispers and I think I can hear my own heart shatter into a million pieces at her confession.

"Tell me what you're thinking Clary…we should talk about this…we should talk about why you feel this way…"

"I don't want to talk to you…it's a lot to think about and a lot to process…I can't think and I can't process with you running your mouth at me constantly." She snaps.

"So I should just fucking leave you alone? Just leave you here to hide under your fucking blankets?" I snap back.

"Get out!" She screams as she whips her TV remote at me. It bounces off of my chest and falls to the floor with a loud crack. I jump up out of her chair and without thought; I pick up her remote and wail it hard and fast against her wall and watch as it shatters into pieces. In four hurried strides of my long legs I am standing in her doorway with my back to her. My hurtful words escape my mouth before I can stop them.

"Guess what Clary? You're not the only one who regrets what happened last night." I snap.

I forcefully slam her bedroom door and sprint down the hall towards my room when I hear the ding of the elevator. I manage to slip into my room and shut the door before Izzy can start blathering to me. Pain and rage fills my body so overwhelmingly that I start to trash my bedroom in a fit of insanity. Ten minutes later I am sitting in the doorway of my bathroom and stare at the mess I have created as blood drips off of my hand. Every one of my dresser drawers is on my floor and my clothes are in piles; half of my drawers are smashed to pieces. My mirror above my dresser is smashed and there is broken glass all over the floor. Every one of my normally neatly stacked books are scattered across my floor. The curtains to both of my windows are torn from their rods. My bed is stripped down to the bare mattress and my lamps is knocked over and broken as a pillow lays on top of it. Fuck! Looking around my room I realize it's going to take me half a day to clean this mess and another half a day to come up with some excuse to convince Alec that he needs to help me drag a new dresser into my room.

I don't want to clean this mess right now; and I don't want to figure out what to tell Alec. My fucking hand is bleeding much more than I thought it was. There is a small puddle of my blood on the floor and my hand is completely gloved with blood. I drag myself off of the floor and turn the sink on to rinse my hand off. Each one of my knuckles is cracked open and there is a deep cut above my index finger that continues to stream blood at an alarming rate. I should go find my Stele and fix my wound but I decide to just wrap a towel around my hand so I can get the fuck away from this mess for a while. I quickly walk down the back hall so that I can exit the institute from the backside without anyone seeing me.

Twenty minutes later I am sitting on a bench watching the Saturday afternoon traffic as I listen to my Ipod. I keep switching the song trying to find something that fits my mood. The problem with that is; I'm not really sure what kind of mood I am even in. I have never done something so violent and destructive like that before; with the exception of killing demons. As I sit there thinking about the look on Clary's face when she threw her remote at me; my true emotions begin to sink heavily into my chest. I have come to the conclusion that my violent outburst was cause by the hurt that she inflicted on me and by the anger that filled me after I so stupidly said those hurtful words to her before I left her room.

This burning ache in my chest won't go away no matter how hard I try to get lost in my music. Giving up on trying to calm my wild nerves; I rise from the bench and begin to run down the sidewalk. My long legs pump fast as the loud music blares into my eardrums. I have both of my Pop Evil albums on shuffle and find that it's the perfect music to listen to as I run. When the song Purple comes on I quickly switch it to the next song; normally I enjoy hearing that song but not today, not with my dark mood. I stop running when I realize I have no fucking clue where I am at. Looking around I see boarded up shop windows and broken street lamps. Shit only I would run blindly into the slums of New York without any sort of weapon on me. I check the time on my Ipod and am shocked when I see that it is nearly six at night. What time did I leave the institute? How long did I sit on that bench? How fucking long have I been running? My entire body is soaked in sweat and exhaustion fills my body in waves. I shake the sweaty hair out of my eyes as I turn around and walk quickly back in the opposite direction I was running. Hopefully I will find something I can recognize before the setting sun dips too low over this shitty part of town. You see because the bad things; they come out at night. By six forty-five the sun is almost completely down and I am no closer to being anywhere that I recognize. Panic is beginning to creep up my spine and I swear I keep seeing shit move out of the corner of my eye.

I wish I had weapon on me; a weapon would probably calm my nerves. Fuck why didn't I at least grab my phone? I could use it to call Alec or at the very least use it to look at a map and see where the hell I'm at. Walking past a dumped trash can I can see a long piece of metal sticking out of the side of it; after a few twist and a hard jerk I now have a make-shift weapon in my hands. Having this piece of green metal in my hands makes me feel more at ease as I continue to walk down the eerily empty sidewalk. Of course that trash can had to be green didn't it? Couldn't have been any other fucking color on the earth? No it had to be green.

Somehow I managed to not think about Clary the entire time while I ran through the streets of New York. Holding this green piece of metal makes thoughts of her fill my head and I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach. A few minutes later I round a corner and relief washes over me when I recognize a small leather shop that sits beside one of the many tattoo joints in our city. The last time I was in this part of town was close to a year ago when I was looking for a new leather Jacket. That leather shop that I see across the street is the same shop that I bought it from. Damn it now I am thinking about Clary again; only I find myself chuckling at this particular thought. I had only had my new leather jacket for about six months when we were on patrol one night. There was an unexpected late spring frost creeping up on us as the four of us walked through the park late one night. I noticed that Clary had her arms crossed over her chest as her small body shivered from the cold. Izzy was grumbling at Alec for even allowing Clary to come with us because she hadn't had enough training to be on patrol yet. I was the one who put up the fight to allow Clary to come with us. True she didn't really have all that much training at the time but she is always so alert; often spotting things before any of the rest of us do. As far as protection goes I can manage to protect her and fight off whatever comes my way. So there she is with nothing more than a light jacket on and she is shivering. Feeling bad I hand her my jacket and just nod my head at her when she sweetly says thank you.

Not ten minutes after I give her my leather jacket a swarm of demons come out of nowhere and between fighting them off and covering every move Clary makes I have no fucking clue how the long rip got down the back of my jacket. At the time I barely knew this green eyed girl and I ended up yelling at her for ruining my jacket. I felt bad about it later and I think I apologized ten times for my harsh words but she insisted that I had every right to be upset with her. She kept insisting that I allow her to either buy me a new jacket or at least give me the money that I had spent on it but I was stubborn and refused either offer. Alec surprised me when he bought me almost the exact same jacket for my birthday last month. As much as I tell myself that I would never lend Clary this new jacket I find myself laughing at my own lie. The truth is; if she was cold I would gladly give her my jacket even if she managed to rip it to shreds. I would give her the shirt off my back; I would give her anything she wanted from me. I would do anything for that little red head. Damn it why can't I get her out of my head? Why can't the constant stream of questions stop swirling in my mind?

It's almost ten at night by the time I climb the steps of the institute. Fuck am I tired! I can't wait to take a hot shower and collapse on my bed. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I just remembered that my bedroom is trashed. Even if I waited until tomorrow to clean the mess I still have to put all the sheets and blankets on my bed. When I step off of the elevator I can see my bedroom door wide open and the light is on. I know for a fact that I shut my door. I always shut my door; I don't like people seeing in my room let alone actually stepping foot in there. Panic fills my body when I realize Clary must be in my room. Fuck what is she going to say about that mess? All my questions go out the window when I see Alec scrubbing my blood off of the floor. Almost everything that was on my floor is now cleaned up. My bed is neatly made and the three broken drawers are stacked into a pile near my door.

"Alec…" I whisper shyly.

"What happened in here Jace? Since when do you trash your room?"

"Why did you come in here? No one was supposed to see this mess; no one was supposed to know that I did this."

"Let me see how bad your hand is."

I look at his blue eyes in confusion as he pulls my hand up for inspection and I remember that I cut it open when I repeatedly punched my mirror.

"Where is your stele? I left mine in my room."

I pull my hand from his grip and shake my head at him.

"Don't worry about it; I'm fine. I can fix it later. Right now I just want to take shower and go to bed; I'm fucking beat."

"What happened Jace?"

"Why did you come in my room?" I challenge back.

"I was putting towels in your bathroom. Imagine my surprise when I saw the mess in here. Imagine my concern when I find your blood on the floor and all over the sink and you nowhere to be found. When I called your phone it began to ring from under a heap of your bed sheets. What happened Jace?"

"Alec…" I groan.

"Okay you win Jace. If you don't want to talk about it I understand but just know that I am here for you if you need to talk."

"I know…I'm sorry about the mess; you didn't have to clean it up I would have done it. Thank you Alec. Thank you for cleaning and thank you for being so understanding."

"Goodnight Jace."

Alec shuts my bedroom door before I can tell him goodnight. I just stand there staring at my closed bedroom door for what feels like hours before I walk into my bathroom and take a shower. I wipe the steam off of my bathroom mirror and look at my reflection. I have dark circles under my eyes and I could use a shave. Not caring about shaving my face I quickly brush my teeth before crawling under my blankets. My stomach growls and I remember that I haven't eaten anything today. I'm too tired to care about food right now and roll over to bury my face into my pillow. Oh Christ I can smell her on my pillow case. I jump out of bed and flip on my bedroom light before I turn the cover back on my bed. Fuck! There it is; evidence of Clary's lost virginity stains my white sheets and I feel my stomach roll at the thought of Alec putting those sheets back on my bed. Did he see the blood? Does he know that the blood belongs to Clary? Maybe he didn't even notice it; surely he would have questioned it if he did right? I should change my sheet but I'm just too whooped to even care about it right now. Shutting off my light I flop onto my bed once again and deliberately breathe in her scent from my pillow case.

As tired as I am I find my eyes wide open as I stare at my ceiling. I grab my Ipod and shove my earbud into my ears and blast my eardrums with music in attempt to clear my head of her green eyes. I'm so pathetic; even as I try not to think about her I absently continue to smell my pillow case; breathing in her scent over and over again. I fight the urge to scream at the top of my lungs. Fuck why can't I just stop thinking about her? Why can't I just fall asleep already? I start to sing along with the music that blares in my ears; after a few songs I can feel how slurred my singing is from being tired. Before I can change my mind I switch the music to my slow mix and begin to sing along with some of the saddest fucking songs I have ever heard before. I have listens to this playlist enough times that I know every word to every song yet it's as though I am hearing them for the first time. Son of a bitch I can feel a lump in my throat and my chest is tight and I'll be damn if my eyes don't feel moist as I continue to sing along with this sappy music.

The late morning sun hurts my eyes and I close them quickly and roll over to bury my face into my pillow to smell her one last time before crawling out of bed. I finished putting new sheet on my bed and after I put my blankets and pillows on it I gather up the dirty sheets from the floor. Just before I open my bedroom door; I find myself smelling each one of my four pillow case for the one that smells like her hair. After I find the right one I quickly tuck in under my pillow and head for the laundry room. Of course I would find Alec in here folding clothes.

"Good morning. Did you manage to get some sleep last night?"

"Morning Alec…yeah I got some sleep."

"I'm sorry I didn't put clean sheets on your bed last night; I didn't even see the blood until I pulled your blanket onto your mattress. I figured it was no big deal though."

"Nope…not a big deal at all. Thanks again for doing all that for me Alec."

"You're welcome…do you still not want to talk about what happened?"

"No."

His blue eyes are warm but I can still see the look of sadness in them as he looks at me. I know it must hurt him that I don't want to talk to him about what happened. I usually tell him everything but I just can't talk to him about this; at least not right now I can't. I can see that he has about a million questions that he wants to ask me about yesterday and I can't help but smile at him when his mouth respectfully remains closed. I surprise him when I walk over and pull him in for a hug. At first his arms are stiff at his sides but when I bury my face into his neck I feel him hug me back. I continue to hug my best friend tightly as I fight the urge to cry on his shoulder and confess all of my sins to him. When he awkwardly strokes my back in attempt to comfort me I can't help but chuckle at him. I pull away from our embrace and hold him by his shoulders at arm's length as I look into his blue eyes.

"I love you Alec."

"Christ! Are you dying? Is it cancer? Do you have cancer Jace?"

"By the Angel Alec! No I'm not dying; I'm fine. Can't I tell my best friend, my brother, my fucking paribitai that I love him without him freaking out and thinking the worse?"

"You don't say that. The Jace I know never ever says those words; at least not with sincerity. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Maybe you're right…I don't say those words…but it doesn't mean I don't feel that way. I do love you Alec."

"I love you too Jace; you know I do. Please talk to me or at least tell me that I don't have to worry about you."

"You don't have to worry about me Alec; I'm fine."

"You're a liar. Nothing about what you did yesterday and nothing about the look on your face tells me you are fine. Did you forget that I can feel you Jace? Something feels wrong. What you did to your room…Jace…it scared me…I'm worried about you."

"Alec…I'm fff….not fine…I'm not fine but I still don't want to talk about it okay? Please don't take it personal that I don't want to talk to you about this. Give me some time to figure it all out and time to process it before I talk to you okay?"

"Are you planning on trashing your room like that again?"

"No…at least I don't think so anyhow." I whisper.

"That's not very reassuring Jace."

"I know…look I promise I will do my best not to do something like that again but I'm not exactly sure I can actually promise not to do it again."

"Why haven't you fixed your hand yet?"

"Maybe I deserve to heal slowly…" I whisper.

"Oh…"

"Did you have breakfast yet? I'm starving and was thinking of going to Taki's; do you want to go along?"

"I did eat breakfast but it's almost lunch time now so sure I will go along. Should I see if the girls want to tag along?"

"NO!"

Shit, his blue eyes narrow at my insistent response.

"Sorry about that…the truth is I have a pounding headache and I'm really not in the mood to hear Izzy's blathering about how much she likes to have Simons tongue in her mouth. Let's just have a boy's day okay Alec?"

"You had to talk about someone's tongue being in my sister's mouth didn't you? I don't know if I can stomach food now that I have that mental image in my head."

"She's my sister too; I am just as grossed out by it as you are."

"Let's go eat then."

I am so hungry I can't decide what I want as I flip through my menu at Taki's. I glance up to see Alec smiling at his phone. I reach across the table and snatch it from him and shove it into my pocket before he can grab it back from me.

"Boy's day remember Alec. That means no talking to your boyfriend."

"Why not he's a b…"

His laughter cuts off his words and I can't help but join in with him. The thought of calling an almost eight hundred year old warlock a boy is simply hilarious. We are still laughing when Kailea comes over to take our order.

"You two seem to be having a good time over here; did you know what you wanted or do you still need a few minutes?"

"I'll take an ice water and the grilled chicken salad."

"What kind of dressing do you want on that?"

"Umm…just oil and vinegar on the side please."

"Sure thing. Jace? What can I get you hun?"

"Chocolate milkshake…two Taki burgers…sweet potatoes fries… and can I get a couple of coconut pancakes with lots of honey on them?"

"Geez…hungry much Jace?"

"Shut up Alec. You just worry about your dainty salad that you ordered."

Kailea's laughter at our banter interrupts our arguing.

"Is that everything then? We do have coconut cream pie today Jace; I know that's your favorite."

"Mmm…I'll take a piece of that home with me actually."

Alec grins at me as Kailea walks away to put our order in.

"What are you grinning at?"

"She still wants you Jace."

"Who Kailea? No we are just friends."

"Friends my ass! You used to fuck her; don't bother denying it."

"Never said I didn't fuck her. I did a few times and now we are just friends."

"I don't think she wants to be just friends. I can tell she's still hot for you."

"Of course she is. I'm stunningly attractive and I know how to fuck. Every girl I have ever fucked has begged me for more…"

My own words are cut off when I think about Clary; she hasn't begged me for more. She doesn't want anything to do with me. I quickly dismiss these thoughts because I didn't just fuck Clary; what happened between the two of us was sweet and gentle not hard and fast. I can't help but laugh at my own self when I wonder if that is why she wants nothing to do with me. Maybe I should have fucked her hard and fast; then maybe she would be begging me for more. Shut the fuck up Jace! Don't you dare think those ugly thoughts about that sweet girl. I am so fucking demented.

"Jace! Hello!"

I look up to see Alec's expectant face looking at me.

"Sorry Alec…guess I zoned out for a minute. What did you say?"

"I asked you why you stopped seeing Kailea."

"Oh…you know she just got too clingy…I think she was looking for more than sex."

"Why don't you ever have a girlfriend Jace?"

"Don't have time for all the drama."

"So you what? Just have sex with random girls?"

"Pretty much…don't look at me like that Alec…it's not like I'm not upfront with them. They know sex is all they will ever get out of me. Some of them just think that if I fuck them more than once they can ask for more."

"What a load of bullshit. I have way more responsibilities than you do Jace and I still have time for Magnus."

"Maybe I should see if I can find a gay warlock too."

"You're a dick."

"Never said I wasn't. So tell me about this concert that you and Magnus went to."

Before he can answer me; Kailea starts to place our food in front of us. She is looking at me. Damn it Alec was right she is definitely still hot for me. Christ this is awkward; how the hell can I blow her off without pissing her off? I really like the food here and I could do without pissing of their best waitress.

"Jace I was wondering if you were doing anything on Tuesday afternoon?"

Thank god for Alec.

"Em's coming to visit on Tuesday Jace; or did you forget?"

"No; I remember. I am looking forward to seeing her."

"I know she is super excited to see you."

"Oh…sorry Kailea…" I mumble.

"No! It's fine; I was just wondering if maybe you could come over and help me move my couch. I got a new one and the delivery guys put it in the wrong place."

"I am completely free on Tuesday afternoon Kailea; I'd be happy to come over and move your couch for you."

"Uhhh…yeah sure that would be great. Thanks Alec."

"Anytime."

She stands for a few more seconds before turning to go and check on her other tables and as soon as her back is turned to us I let out the breath that I was holding.

"She doesn't need her couch moved Alec."

"Oh I know…it will be funny when I go over on Tuesday to move a couch that doesn't even need to be moved."

"Thanks for that by the way; I panicked."

"I know; I saw the look on your face."

"I actually did forget that Em was coming on Tuesday."

"I know that too. You're just lucky most people can't read your face as well as I can."

"This is true. I'm actually really excited to see Em. It's been too long since we have hung out. Is she still seeing Sandra?"

"Yeah, they actually moved in together about a month ago."

"No shit?"

"Yes shit!"

"Shut up and eat your salad."

I only eat half of a burger and a couple of my fries and I lose my appetite when I take a bite from my pancakes. Why the hell did I order coconut pancakes anyhow? Those are what Clary always orders when she come here. I realize that I usually end up eating half of her food but having this plate of pancakes in front of me without seeing half of them gone and without seeing her smiling face from across the table as I greedily finish them just isn't the same.

"Are you done eating already? You barely ate anything Jace."

"Guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was."

"Are you sure you're not dying?"

"Alec if you ask me that one more time I am going to stab you with a fork."

"Did you need me to box any of this up for you Jace?"

I look up to see Kailea smiling down at me. Normally I would return her smile but today has just been too messed up.

"Yeah that would be great. Thank you."

"You still want that piece of pie to go as well?"

"Yes please."

I stare out the window as she boxes up our food to avoid making further eye contact with her. Maybe I will go to the pizza joint for a while until she gets over her obsession with me. I don't get it; it's been almost six months since I last fucked her and up until today she has been cool. Why all of a sudden is she taking an interest in me again? Why today of all days? If my head wasn't so fucked up right now I would probably let her give me a blow job in the bathroom. Kailea might not be that good of a fuck but she knows how to give good head. Yeah looks like I'll definitely be eating pizza for a while. Alec pays our bill and I grab my bag of food from the table as we get up to leave. We walk back to the institute in comfortable silence and I decide that maybe I will try to talk to Clary today. Just as I reach the steps something red catches my eye and I look down the street just in time to see her round the corner with Simon. Guess I will have to wait till later to talk to her. I wonder if she will tell Simon about us? He is her best friend; doesn't she tell him everything? Look who's taking; Alec is so much more than my best friend and I still refuse to tell him about what I did with Clary.

"What are you going to do for the rest of the day Alec?"

"I…uh…well I was going to go see Magnus but if you want to hang out I can just see him later."

"No you go on. I was actually thinking about catching up on some reading."

"You sure?"

"Yep."

"Can I have my phone back now Jace?"

I fish his phone out of my pocket and place it in his pale hand.

"Tell Magnus I said hello okay?"

"Will do. I probably won't see you until tomorrow; he wants me to stay over. So I guess I will see you in the training room."

"Nine a. m."

"On the dot. See you tomorrow Jace."

I wave to him as I slide the elevator door shut. I find myself standing in the doorway of her room. I need to get out of here; I need to walk down the hall and go to my own room. My body defies me as I find myself laying across her small bed. Alec told her we could bring her one of the kings size beds like the rest of us have but she insisted that this single sized mattress would be just fine for her. I chuckle at the mental picture of three tiny Clary's laying side by side on this tiny bed without any of them falling off. Christ she is so damn small. I roll over to my side to look at her wall on the far side of her room; she has the entire wall almost completely covered with her artwork. I can't get over how much talent she has. I can't even draw a stick figure without messing it up yet she paints and draws full cities that look like you could almost shrink down in size and walk the streets. My eyes land on a painting of a tree. Only I am not looking at the tree; I am looking at the blond hair that peaks out from behind the tree. I roll off her bed and walk across the room to carefully lift up the painting of the tree. There I am; drawn on a piece of paper with so much detail it looks like a photograph. I am in full gear and my face is smeared with dirt. My eyebrows are scrunched together and I have a wicked grin on my face as my sword slices a demon in half.

Is this what I look like when I am killing a demon? Before I can debate whether or not that's true something red on the drawing catches my eye. Looking close I can see that she has drawn herself standing behind me. Only a light spray of her hair is showing from the side of my arm. I can see that she has drawn one of her tiny hands; it grips my waist and I can see one of her thin legs between my long legs. With further inspection I can see that she has my other hand drawn as though I am hold her behind my back as I use my other hand to kill the demon that threatens her. It takes everything in me not to take this drawing off of her wall and shove it in my pocket. I want this drawing so bad that I quickly step away from it so I don't actually rip it off her wall. That single drawing is how I always see myself with Clary. Always keeping her behind me; always keeping her close; always protecting her.

I decide its best I get the hell out of her room all together yet that doesn't stop me from flopping on her bed once again. I bury my face into her pillow and breathe in her scent.

"What are you doing in here!?"

Her shrieking voice jolts me awake and I almost fall off of her bed. I vigorously rub the sleep out of my eyes as I sit up.

"I wanted to talk to you but you weren't here." I mumble.

"So you deiced that it would be a good idea to just take a nap? You drooled on my pillow!"

"Why are you yelling?" I shout back at her.

"Get out of my room Jace…" She whispers.

I don't know what to say to her sad request for me to leave her room. She sounded tired when she whispered those words. Not just tired from lack of sleep but tired of looking at me; tired of having to tell me to leave her alone. That's fine; if she want to be left alone then I will do just that. I stock out of her room without so much as a backwards glance in her direction.


	3. Chapter 3

"It's ten after; where is Clary?"

"Alec; I'm sure she will be here any minute now. We should just get started without her."

"Iz, we need her here; it's her turn to set up the flipping ropes."

I keep quit as my siblings argue way too early in the morning for my mind to process. I have the worse hangover I think I have ever had in my life; it's quite possible that I could still be drunk even. After I left Clary's room last night I went straight to the bar. I don't remember how many drinks I had and if it wasn't for Simon; I might have woke up behind some dumpster this morning. At quarter till three in the morning the owner kicked me out of the bar and I couldn't even walk straight I was so drunk. I was so drunk I forgot where I was and where I was supposed to go. My first thought was to call Alec. I even had his number dialed into my phone but before I could push the call button I chickened out and shut my phone.

Ten minutes later Simons' panicked voice answers the phone. He was freaking out; he thought something happened to Clary. I can't say I don't blame him for thinking that something was wrong with his best friend. First of all I never call Simon; hell I try to avoid talking to him period. So with that fact and the fact that it was three o'clock in the morning; it made perfect sense for him to freak out.

The truth is; the only reason why I avoid talking to Simon is not because I don't like him; I actually think he is a great guy. He is Clary's best friend and that is why I avoid talking to him. If I am being completely honest about my confessions about Simon then the truth is it all comes down to jealousy. I loathe my own self for feeling any sort of jealousy towards anyone let alone Simon. It's not like I'm concerned that Simon will take Clary away from me or anything; maybe at first I was worried about that but not anymore. I have seen him and Clary interact on more occasions than I can count and I can see that Clary sees him as just a friend; almost as a brother if you will. I darkly chuckle at myself because Clary isn't even mine for someone to take away from me; she will never be mine because she can't even stand to be in the same room with me.

When Simon showed up at twenty after three to drag my drunk ass home I was trying to figure out what I could say to him if he mentioned Clary and I. Turns out I wasted my time trying to figure it out because he didn't even mention her name at all. He must have known something though because our walk back to the institute was eerily quiet. I thanked him for his help and I was even nice and shook his hand when I reached the steps to the institute. His brown eyes almost had a look of sympathy in them when he returned my hand shake and his voice was sincere when he told me to take care of myself.

It was almost five in the morning by the time I got a shower and flopped on my bed. I had to hang my leg off the side of the bed to keep the room from spinning for what felt like an hour. When my alarm went off at quarter till nine I wanted to smash it. Instead of smashing the alarm I rolled out of bed and took a freezing cold shower for ten minutes and still managed to get to the training room buy nine. Alec and Izzy's arguing is increasing in volume and it's making my head feel like it might explode.

"Why don't I just set up the flipping ropes today?" I offer.

"This is bullshit! Where in the hell is Clary? She needs to be here." Alec shouts impatiently. What's his deal today? Alec is always the one who caters to her all the time; yet here he is obviously angry with her tardiness.

Alec's blue eyes are darting towards the door of the training room every other second as he taps his booted foot on the wooden floor. He has his arms crossed over his chest and his nostrils are flared in annoyance.

"Relax Alec; maybe she just slept in a little. Cut her a break; you know she is always on time any other day. Hell half the time she is in here before any of us." Izzy attempts to calm her brother.

"Well…well maybe that's why I'm so irritated about the fact that she is late. I guess I am just used to her being on time all the time and she isn't here so it's throwing me off. Iz, why don't you go and see if she is still sleeping?"

"Sure; I will be right back."

Izzy's long dark hair is tied up in a tight ponytail at the crown of her head and her hair swings from side to side as Alec and I watch her exit the training room to see where Clary is. Alec walks across the room and stands right in front of me with his blue eyes narrowed at me.

"Are you still drunk Jace?"

"Possibly; I didn't think it was that noticeable."

"I can smell you from across the room."

"Seriously? I took two showers and brushed my teeth four times. I think you are imagining things Alec."

"No I am not imagining things; you smell like an open bottle of Jack Daniels. It must be coming out of your pores."

I can't help but laugh at what he says. I was in fact drinking JD last night; quite possibly a whole bottle considering the way I feel today. Maybe he is right; maybe I am sweating out the remaining alcohol that is still in my bloodstream. I do feel hot; even after my ice-cold shower my skin is still clammy.

"Maybe you're right Alec."

"How much did you drink last night? I didn't even know the club was open on Sunday nights."

"I have no clue how much I had to drink last night and you're right; the club isn't open on Sundays."

"So what? You went to a bar?"

"Yeah…"

"By yourself?"

"Yes, by myself. Is there a problem with me going by myself? I didn't realize I need to have a chaperone to have a drink."

"No, not for one drink but seeing how you can't even remember how much you drank last night maybe a chaperone wouldn't have been such a terrible idea. What time did you get home? How did you even get home? Surely you didn't drive?"

"Your questions are making my head hurt."

"Tough. I want answers Jace. If you don't start talking I promise you I will make this the worst day you have ever spent in the training room."

"Fuck you're annoying…I got home around four. I called Simon and he walked me home. There is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Why did you call Simon?"

"I was too drunk to remember how to get home so I called him."

"I get why you needed to call someone for help Jace but why him? Why didn't you call me?"

"I knew he was awake; he is a Vampire remember?"

"You still could have called me; you know I would have come and got you home safe."

"Maybe I was too ashamed to call you…maybe I didn't want to have to look at the judgment on your face when you came to drag my drunk ass home." I whisper.

"You are being ridiculous. I wouldn't have judged you. I get that you are going through something and just need time to figure it out."

"Bullshit! You absolutely would have judged me and you know it Alec. You are always fucking looking down your nose at me. Am I perfect? No, far from it but neither are you and I never judge you when you fuck up and do something stupid."

"Jace I…" He sounds so broken hearted.

"Where the hell is Izzy now? What with these females today?" I snap as I avoid Alec's eyes.

"Relax Jace; I'm right here."

I stick my tongue out at her when I see her walking into the training room by herself; where is Clary? Alec is the one who speaks the question that is in my head.

"Well? Where is she Izzy? Did she sleep in or what?"

"She was still sleeping when I went to her room."

"Why didn't you wake her up?"

"Alec, I did wake her up. She won't be coming to the training room today."

"Why?" I ask too quickly; my voice too high pitched.

Izzy and Alec both look at me as though they forgot I was even in the room.

"She is ill."

"She's ill? What do you mean ill? How ill? Maybe we should take her to the doctors." My words come out of my mouth in a panicked rush.

"Jace? What's your deal? Clary is going to be just fine; she is just having stomach issues today."

"Oh Christ! She has her period doesn't she?"

"Shut up Alec! Clary would not skip out on training just because she has her period. She told me she must have eaten something off yesterday and that her stomach hurts. Can we get to training now? I am over talking about stomachs and periods already."

"Fine. Jace does your offer still stand?"

"What offer?"

"You said you would set up the flipping ropes."

"Yeah, I'll do it."

"Thanks. I will go and grab them out of storage."

I watch Alec leave the training room and quickly walk over to the weapons display to talk to Izzy.

"Are you sure that she doesn't need to see a doctor?"

"Yes Jace I am sure that Clary does not need to see a doctor."

"What if she has food poisoning or something?"

"Then she will puke her guts up for a few hours and probably have pains in her stomach for a day or two. Other than that it would be pointless for her to go and see a doctor."

"What if she has some sort of parasite or something that could kill her?"

Izzy turns her dark eyes on me. Even though she is a few inches shorter than me and I have probably sixty pounds more weight on me; I have no shame when I admit that I am slightly afraid of my little sister. The thing about Isabelle is she is slightly crazy and that simple fact is enough for me to always be careful about setting her off. For all I know she will throw a dagger at me when I have my back to her; hell I couldn't tell you how many times she has taken me down with the flick of her whip that is always wrapped around her wrist.

"What is wrong with you Jace? Even you have had food poisoning before; so why are you so worried about Clary? And why on earth do you smell like a brewery?"

"Shut up Isabelle."

I take a couple of steps back from my sister when I see her release her whip from around her wrist. Just as she steps towards me the door to the training room opens and Alec walks in carrying the ropes. He walks over to where we are standing and tosses the pile of ropes at me feet with a smug grin on his face. It's funny how much I enjoy using the flipping ropes but loathe actually setting them up; Clary is the only one of us that seems to enjoy setting up the ropes. Shit why do I have to think about her so much? I need to wipe her name and her green eyes from my mind. When I left her room last night I told myself I could just ignore her and pretend she didn't even exist; I have a feeling that Jace the Asshole is going to be rearing his ugly head for months to come. Being an asshole is the only defense that I have in my arsenal that seems to work for me. If I am an asshole then no one want to be around me and if no one wants to be around me then I can be left alone with my thoughts.

By lunch time; Alec, Izzy and myself are covered in sweat from our training session. Izzy is pissed off at me and she refuses to talk to me; she said I was being too hard on her when we were sparing. Just because I broke her nose and dislocated her shoulder she is acting like a baby; but when Alec agreed with Izzy I couldn't help but feel a little guilty. They are just going to have to get used to it; the Asshole is in full swing and there are no signs of him leaving anytime soon.

"I think we should all grab quick showers and get some lunch from Taki's; we can just stay an hour later after we get back from lunch."

"I don't want to stay an extra hour this afternoon; I have dinner plans with Simon."

"I'm staying away from Taki's for a while Alec; I don't want to deal with Kailea right now."

"Kailea? Jace what the hell did you do? Alec what did Jace do?"

"He didn't do anything Iz. We went to Taki's for lunch yesterday and Kailea was drooling over Jace."

Isabelle gets right in my face and she jabs her finger into my chest.

"Don't even try to lie to me Jace Wayland; when is the last time you had sex with Kailea?"

"Almost six months ago."

She looks at me for a full to minutes to see whether or not I am telling her the truth. She can't figure it out though because my eyes are guarded and my brick wall stands high and strong around me.

"Then why is she drooling over you all of a sudden?"

"How the fuck should I know? Stop fucking poking me Isabelle and stop glaring at me like that."

"Can we just go already? I am starving." Alec whines.

I drone out what the two of them are saying as I swiftly leave the training room. At first I walk towards my room with the intentions of getting a shower but end up getting on the elevator to go downstairs. The rain feels good on my face as I walk through the park during our lunch break. I should head back to the institute to try and find something to eat before I go back to the training room for the rest of the afternoon but just thinking about food makes me gag.

By one thirty I am halfway through our make-shift obstacle course and Alec and Izzy are still not back from lunch. The obstacle course was Clary's idea to set up. She thought it would make training more fun if we could have a real-life set up. The way we built the obstacle course reminds you of being in an abandoned building. We have to swing from rafters, scale half walls, crawl under jagged glass widows and climb and jump from different lengths of ropes that are hanging from the ceiling. Alec and Izzy hate the obstacle course but I think it's fun. Clary and I always make a game out of running the course and usually end up laughing the whole time; Alec yells at us for goofing off.

"Jace! Why didn't you put the mats away?" Alec Asks.

I look up from my crawling position to see Alec and Izzy staring at me. I get up off of the floor and run my finger through my hair as I look at them in confusion.

"It's Monday. Every Monday after lunch we practice throwing weapons at the targets and every Monday after lunch it's your job to put the mats away." Izzy huffs.

"Sorry…geez I guess I just forgot. I will get the mats put away and then we can get started. I think the two of you have your periods today. You have both been moody since this morning now I see why Clary is hiding in her room."

They both glare angrily at me as I begin to roll up the mats; I can't help but chuckle at them. The truth is I am the one who is moody today; all I can think about is checking on a girl that I claim to be able to ignore. Who am I kidding? I can't ignore that red haired girl? I can't even stop thinking about her ever second of the day let alone ignore her. I need to find things to keep myself busy for a while so that I can stay away from her. Surly in a few days this pain in my chest will go away won't it? I won't always feel so lost will I?

It's almost nine at night when I finally leave the training room for the night and seek out my hot shower. Alec and Izzy left the training room at four and I told them I was right behind them but ended up staying. I feel so restless today and thought if I just kept my hands busy in the training room I could stop thinking about the fact that it has been over twenty-four hours since I last saw Clary. I am so used to seeing her every day that these last thirty-one hours (yes I have been pathetically counting the hours) have been hard to deal with. I tried so hard to stay away from her room but I just had to know if she was okay. When I told her it was me who was knocking at her door all she said was "no" even after I told her I just wanted to see if she was feeling better because Izzy had told me was sick all she said was "go away." I went away; I didn't want to go away; what I wanted to do was kick her fucking door open and make her talk to me. Knowing that kicking her door open would get me nowhere I made my way back to my room. Stepping out of the shower I am half temped to go down the hall and use my stele to unlock her bedroom door to try to talk to her again; even if she yelled at me again at least I could see her for a minute before she throws me out of her room. After I brush my teeth I put my headphones on and flop on my bed.

When my alarm goes off at nine I am surprised that I managed to sleep the whole night without waking up. After I make my bed I quickly dress in a pair of dark jeans and a plain white t-shirt before heading downstairs. I find myself almost jogging towards the kitchen and I can even feel a small grin on my face. The ache in my chest isn't as bad today as it has been since Clary walked out of my room that night. I realize my positive attitude is probably only from the fact that in about an hour Em will be here for a visit. I have missed her; it's been over six months since I have seen her. As much as I am disappointed that Sandra won't be coming with Em to visit; I am secretly happy that she isn't because now I can hog all of Em's attention to myself for the next two days. I promised Alec that if he let me take tomorrow off from training then I would put the hours in on Thursday to make up for it. I am surprised to find the kitchen empty when I walk in; am I the only one excited for Em's arrival? Pulling the can of coffee off the shelf I can see that the coffee pot is already full of fresh coffee so someone must be up. I pour a cup of coffee and grab two bananas out of the fruit basket before sitting down at the table.

"Good morning sunshine! You look all bright eyed and bushy tailed today." Alec chimes.

"I slept well last night and Em's going to be here soon."

"You've really missed her haven't you?"

"Yes I have. I think Em is the female version of me; that's why we get along so well."

"Because you are both assholes that no one else can stand to be around?"

"Exactly!" I smile widely at him.

Alec was being sarcastic when he said Em and I were assholes but he is completely right. Em isn't as big of an asshole as I am but at the end of the day she is in fact an asshole; this simple fact is why I enjoy her company so much. I keep glancing at the clock to see if it's time for Em to get her as Alec slurps his cereal from across the table.

"Jace have you ever heard the phrase; a watched pot never boils?"

"What about it?"

"Stop looking at the clock every two second and for Christ sakes either eat those bananas or put them down."

I feel like a small child that just got scolded from his father by Alec's tone. Right now I could let Jace the Asshole tell my parabitai off but I decide to just keep my mouth shut. I peel one of the banana's and eat it without tasting it and leave the other one sitting on the table as I finish my coffee. When I finally allow myself to look at the clock again; I jump out of my chair with excitement.

"It's time! She will be here any minute now. I am going to the library to wait for her. Are you coming Alec?"

"Yes of course I'm coming."

I sprint down the hall towards the library and laugh loudly when I see Alec running right beside me with a big grin on his face. We are both laughing like idiots when we reach the library and I stop dead in my tracks when I see Clary sitting at the long table reading a book. Fuck there's that pain in my chest again. I glance over at Alec and he looks at me in confusion; I can only imagine the look on my face. I feel like all the blood has drained from my body and my stomach threatens to throw up the banana I just ate. Before I or Alec can say anything the portal opens up and Em walks through looking as beautiful as ever. In a flash I am across the room and lifting her high in my arms as I bury my face in her neck. She smells like sunshine and she feels so warm in my arms as I hug her. I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel a lump in my throat and I can feel the tears well in my eyes as I hug my friend.

"Awe…Jace…I missed you too."

"Em…oh Em I missed you so damn much." I mumble into her blond hair.

I shamelessly wipe my face on her t-shirt before I put her down and look into her blue eyes. The sweet smile slips from her face as she rests her hand on my cheek.

"What's wrong Jace?"

"Nothing's wrong. I'm just happy to see you is all."

"Stop hogging her Jace; it's my turn to hug her."

Alec shoves me playfully to the side and he gives Em a quick hug.

"How are things in LA Em?"

"Things are good Alec; thank you for asking. Where is your sister?"

"I'm not sure actually. I thought she would have been here; I know she was looking forward to seeing you."

"She stayed at Simons last night." Clary calmly adds to our conversation.

"Who is this?" Em asks as she points at Clary.

Thank god for Alec. He tells Em who Clary is and proceeds to explain to Em when Clary got here and that she is making good progress in her training. I can't do anything but stare at my shoes; I can't look at that red haired girl that is sitting at the table behind me. When Alec and Em walk over to the table so that Em and Clary can say hello to each other I remain standing near the portal. I fight the urge to either burst into tears like a fucking baby or bolt out of the room like an idiot. I feel a small hand slip into mine and when I turn my head Em is smiling at me.

"Let's go to the store and get junk food and alcohol; I have feeling we will be up half the night and we will need provisions."

I don't respond to what she says but I continue to hold her tan hand in mine as we exit the library. I am proud of myself for keeping my eyes focused on the open doorway without so much as glancing at the green eyed girl that sits at the table. I can feel her eyes on me as Em and I leave.

Em and I each have our arms loaded with bags of junk food and I manage to balance a case of beer in my left hand as we enter the bedroom that Em will be sleeping in tonight.

"Come on Em! What are you some sort of girl? You act like that cooler is heavy or something."

"Shut up you dick; it's not heavy it's just awkward to try and drag with all these bags I am carrying. Maybe if you carried more bags and wasn't so worried about breaking one of your precious finger nails then I could manage the cooler better."

After I dump the beer into the ice filled cooler and drop the bags onto the floor I flop on the bed still laughing at Em and I's banter.

"Do you want to eat first or should we just dive right into the beer?"

"I'm not really hungry." I mumble.

"Drinking it is then!"

Em hands me a beer as she sits on the bed beside me. I shift my body so that I am propped up against the headboard and wrap my long legs around her waist and pull her towards my body. She squeals when I lift her up and set her down beside me so that she is propped up against the headboard next to me.

"So tell me Em; how is Sandra doing? Alec told me you two moved in together."

"We did; last month actually. Sandra is good."

"How is it living together?"

"Good most days."

"What do you mean most days?"

"You know me Jace; I'm an asshole. I try my best to be nice to her when she forgets to rinse the bathtub out or leaves dirty dishes in the sink but sometimes I can be a little overbearing."

"Do you ever wonder if you and I are long lost siblings? You are almost the same person as I am."

"That is almost true except you're not gay."

"True but we both like girls."

I laugh when she punches me hard in the stomach even though it hurt.

"What is going on here?"

She runs her hand across my cheek; feeling my week old stubble.

"Just been too lazy to shave it I guess."

"I like it; it looks good on you."

"Really?"

"What do I know? I like girls remember? Speaking of girls; what's the story with that little red head I met downstairs."

"Forget it Em! Clary isn't into chicks; besides you have Sandra remember?"

"Spill Jace."

"Spill what?"

"I saw how you were acting in the library and the way you hugged me when I got here; I can tell something is going on with you. Does she have something to do with it?"

Son of a bitch! Emma Carstairs can read me like a fucking book!

"I don't really want to talk about it Emma." I whisper.

"It's not like I would ever tell anyone Jace. You know you can trust me right?"

"It's not that Em; I know you wouldn't say anything. It's just I don't even understand what is going on to tell you the truth."

"Have you at least talked to Alec?"

"No. He knows something's up but he's been good about giving me space."

"Look I'm not saying you should tell me what is going on but maybe if you talk about what's going on it would help you figure it out better; help you deal with it."

I finish my beer and roll off the bed to get another one. I grab three beers out of the cooler and flop back down beside Em on her bed. I chug another beer and open my third as I hand Em her second before I start talking.

"Friday night I was in my room listening to music when Clary showed up in my doorway. We talked about music for a couple of minutes and the next thing I know I am inviting her into my room."

"Jace you never let anyone in your room; not me, not even Alec."

"I know that Em."

"So what happened?"

"She sat down on my chair and we kept talking about music. She wanted me to see a video on YouTube and I asked her come sit on my bed to show me the video on my laptop."

"Jace you're sweating; why are you sweating?"

"This is hard to talk about Em."

"Oh god Jace! What did you do? Do I even want to hear this?"

"Stop looking at me like that Em."

"Just get to the point already; I don't need to hear the play by play. Tell me what has you so upset."

I chug my third beer and take Em's beer and drink half of it before taking a couple of deep breaths.

"Okay…her it goes…long story short…Clary asked me to take…no that's not right…she doesn't like that word…Clary wanted to give me her virginity…and I…took it…no she doesn't like that word either…I guess you could say that I received it from her."

"Okay I'm following you so far but what's the problem? Did you hurt her or something?"

"No…maybe a little at first but she asked me to keep going."

"So what? Couldn't you keep it up or something?"

"Em!"

"Sorry; I'm sorry; don't be mad at me I'm sure you kept it rock hard for her."

"Why am I talking to you about this again?"

"Because I am going to try to help you figure this all out but I can't do that unless you get to the point."

"Stop being an asshole."

"Really Jace; I am sorry. I shouldn't have made a joke like that. I can see how torn up you are over all of this. I guess I'm just having trouble understanding the problem. I know you and I know that you know what you're doing in the bedroom because you have had sex with three of my friends and all three of them had disgustingly detailed stories about how you made them all have mind-blowing orgasms."

"Disgustingly detailed? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Please don't make me repeat that shit; it's bad enough I have a mental image of your penis burned into my brain."

"Oh…okay… I get what you're saying…the details are disgusting because I'm a dude and you think dudes are gross."

"It's not that I think they are gross; I'm just not physically attracted to guys. I prefer the soft pretty girls."

"Me too!"

"Now who's being the asshole?"

"Sorry Em."

"Just because I'm not attracted to guys doesn't mean I can't recognize an attractive guy when I see one."

"I get what you're saying. I am confident enough with my sexuality to tell you that I can recognize an attractive member of the same sex as well. Take Alec for example; he's a good looking dude."

"It's those blue eyes of his."

"Yep his blue eyes and his dark hair and his pale skin and his nice teeth and his pouty lips."

"Are you sure you're straight Jace?"

"Shut up. Can we get back to my story?"

"Yes but just so you know; I think you are probably the most attractive guy I have ever met."

"Well thank you Em. If it weren't for the fact that you are like a sister to me I would probably try to show you what you are missing out on being a lesbian."

"By what? Giving me a good hard fucking? Showing me that it just takes a real man to get the job done right?"

"Absolutely!"

"Wow…you're an idiot you know that right? Go get me another beer since you drank the rest of mine."

After I throw away our empty cans I grab more beer from the cooler and hand one to Em as I sit back on the bed.

"You know I wasn't being serious when I said that right? I am not one of those sexist pigs that think one hard fuck from a man can make a woman not be a lesbian anymore."

"I know you were only joking…let's get back to your story."

"Okay…without all the details…I am pretty confident when I say I showed Clary a good time…everything seemed fine but after it was over we were laying in my bed and I was running my fingers over her face and I thought she was going to fall asleep. Next thing I know she jumps out of bed throws her clothes on and practically runs out of my room."

"Did you go after her?"

"Not at first...at first I was too surprise by her quick exit that I was confused on why she left…after a few minutes I went to her room only to hear her taking a shower so I went back to my own room."

"Let me guess; now she doesn't want anything to do with you?"

"She fucking hates me Em…she threw a remote control at me a screamed at me."

"When did that happen?"

"The next afternoon. She stayed in her bed all day and I was worried about her. When I went in to see if she was okay she flipped shit on me. I tried to talk to her again on Sunday but she just wasn't having it. Even last night I only wanted to see how she was feeling because she was ill yesterday and she just told me to go away. I don't get it Em; what did I do wrong? Why doesn't she want to talk to me? Why is she so damn angry with me?"

"Can I tell you something without you getting mad at me?" She asks.

"Sure."

"You know how after you have sex with a girl you drop them like dead weight? Well maybe that was what Clary did to you?"

"Fuck…that can't be true; can it?"

"Why couldn't it be true Jace? You think only men are allowed to follow the fuck them and forget them rule?"

"You don't understand Em…you didn't hear the things she said to me; the things I said to her. What Clary and I did was not just fucking or simple sex…it was…it was so much more than that…Christ just kissing her…" I trail off.

"Never thought I would see this day."

"What are you taking about Emma?"

"Let me ask you something; why do you care if she doesn't want to talk to you?"

"I…I don't exactly know the answer to that Em…that's what I am having trouble with…on one hand I have to live in the same house with her and I don't want things to be awkward between us…on another hand there must be more to it than that because I would never have sex with a virgin…too much drama behind that kind of situation…too much pressure…yet I dived right into the deep end of that pool now didn't I?"

"How did it make you feel?"

"How did what make me feel?"

"Christ Jace! Did you enjoy having sex with her?"

"I told you it wasn't just sex…but yes I did…I have never felt anything like that before."

"Do you think it's just physical?"

"Surely not right?"

"Why couldn't it just be physical? Different people have different chemistry. Once in a while two people have such intense chemistry together physically that it can almost be overwhelming."

"Oh for crying out loud! I think it's quite possible that instead of you helping me you have only fucked my brain up more Em."

"It's seems pretty cut and dry to me Jace. Its either simple chemistry or you actually have feelings for her."

"Fuck…can we talk about something else; I don't want to talk about her anymore. I don't even want to think about her anymore. I want to have fun with you; I have missed you so much."

AUTHORS NOTE:

HELLO ALL MY LOVELY READERS! THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ MY STORY AND PLEASE TAKE A SHORT MINUTE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF MY STORY SO FAR. DON'T BE AFRAID TO GIVE NEGATIVE REVIEWS AND PLEASE DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT HAVE. I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU READERS RIGHT NOW. I NOTICE THAT SOME WRITERS WILL GIVE SONG SUGESTONS TO THEIR READERS AND SINCE I AM A HUGE MUSIC LOVER I DO LISTEN TO MUSIC WHEN I AM WRITING SO MY QUESTION FOR YOU LOVELY PEOPLE WOULD BE: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM LISTINING TO WHEN I AM WRITING EACH CHAPTER?

WITH LOVE

~N~


	4. Chapter 4

List of songs I listened to while typing away this next chapter. I tend to just push the shuffle button and let whatever comes on play, so it might seem like a strange mix of music.

Lorde- Million Dollar Bills

My Chemical Romance – Helena

Volbeat – Broken man and The Dawn

Rihanna – Unfaithful

Twin Atlantic – The Ghost of Eddie

Meg Myers – Make a Shadow

Royal Blood – Come on Over

The Xcerts – Kids on Drugs

Lana Del Rey – West Coast

The Rolling Stones – Sympathy For The Devil

I hit the floor hard enough to knock the wind out of myself when I roll out of a bed that does not belong to me. At first I panic but when I see Alec's blue sweater laying on the floor I relax. Getting up off the floor I see Alec fast asleep in his bed; how the hell did I get in here? I look at the clock on his nightstand to see it's almost eight in the morning; his alarm will be going off in a couple of minutes. I make my way down to my own room and grab a quick shower after I empty my full bladder. As I brush my teeth I look at my reflection in the mirror and realize that this is the first time in days that I have seen my own face. I am surprised by how much hair is on my face; another few days of growth and I will have enough hair on my face for it to be considered a beard. I didn't realize that when my facial hair grew longer than stubble it would be as dark as it is. My facial hair is still blond but it's a dark bronze color; kind of the color my hair is when it's wet or sweaty.

"Jace! You in there?" Em yells from my bedroom doorway.

I pop my head out of the bathroom to see her peeking around my room.

"I just need to get dressed and then I will be ready to go. Why don't you head downstairs? I will catch up with you in a few minutes."

After I get dressed in all black clothes I make my way downstairs to find Emma. I find her looking at the painting that hangs in the hallway by the front door.

"This is new right? I don't remember seeing this painting before."

"Yeah it's new…I mean it's been hanging there for almost six months now but to you it would be new."

The painting is an exact replica of the center of Idris as though you are facing the accords hall.

"It's really pretty."

"Clary painted it. She gave it to the Lightwoods to say thank you for letting her move in here."

"Wow! She has a lot of talent."

"Yes she certainly does. Are you ready to go then?"

"Yep, ready when you are. Why are you wearing all black? Are we going hunting? Should I go change?"

"No nothing like that Em. I guess my clothes match my mood."

"Well you need to get in a better mood Jace. We are going to have fun today. I have to portal back to LA at six so we have a good part of the day to get you in a better mood."

I grab her hand when she turns towards the front door of the institute.

"Where are you going?"

"I thought we were leaving."

"We are but we need to leave though the back exit."

"Why?"

"Because Em the garage is out back and my car is in the garage."

"Car? I knew you had your motorcycle but I wasn't aware you had a car. What kind of car do you have?"

"You'll see; we are almost there."

I release her hand and flip the switch on for the lights before I step into the garage. I walk over to my car and make a show of hands for Em to see.

"Isn't she beautiful Em?"

"What is this?"

"My car; it's a 1970 Buick GSX."

"It's nice."

"Nice? That's it just nice?"

"It's just a car Jace."

I grab her by the hand and pull her towards the back wall of the garage and point at the cork board that hangs on the wall. The board is covered with almost one hundred pictures of my GSX.

"Look Em, that's what she looked like when I first brought her home and all these other picture are from different steps in her restoration. I have spent the last year turning what Alec insisted was a pile of scrap metal into the sexy lady sitting behind you."

I watch her as she inspects the photos on the cork-board. She points and laughs at a few of the pictures of me covered in dirt and grease. We both laugh when she sees the picture of Izzy and I.

"Oh my goodness the look on her face Jace! If looks really could kill huh?"

"Yeah she was mad for almost a week after that."

"Well you did cover her in grease; I'm sure you ruined her clothes."

"Trashed them! Those white pants she had on when she walked into the garage was why I pulled her in for a big hug in the first place. I mean what was she thinking coming in here with pure white pants on anyhow? Personally I think she got what she deserved."

"You're lucky that she doesn't seek revenge on you for that. She could really get you back big time if she wanted to considering you painted the car white."

"The funny thing about my choice of paint color is smearing that black grease all over my sisters white pants gave me inspiration. That's where the black stripes on the car came from. I told Izzy that every time I look at my car I will remember how much fun it was to have her and Alec help me restore my GSX."

"Did she fall for that?"

"What do you mean fall for that? I was completely sincere about what I said to her; her and Alec spent lots of time maybe not really helping but they kept me company and gave me lots of entertainment."

"I'm sure Alec pouted for days over your choice of paint color. Knowing him he would have wanted you to paint it blue; like the color of his eyes."

"Funny you should say that Em."

"Huh?"

I walk over and open the door of my car and beckon her to come closer. She slides onto the leather seat and I close her door before jogging to the driver's side and slipping in behind the steering wheel. I turn on the dome light and point at the seats.

"Look at the stitching on the leather seats Em; see what color it is?"

"Is it blue?"

"Not just blue but almost the exact same color as my Parabitai's eyes. Do you have any idea how much more money I had to pay to get fucking blue stitching on the leather?"

"Awe…who would have guessed that Jace Wayland hand a sentimental side to him?"

"Shh…don't say that too loud Em; I have a reputation to up hold."

I start up my GSX and I can feel the purr of her engine all the way to the deepest part of my body and I feel my adrenaline spike. Pushing the button to open the door to the garage I shift the car into drive and we pull out of the garage. After cutting through the alley I pull out into traffic that I have to fight my way through for almost an hour before hitting the open highway. Once we get on the highway I push the throttle down and enjoy the power and speed of the car I have worked so hard on.

"Does the radio work in this dinosaur?"

"Hey! Don't say things like that Em; you will hurt her feelings."

"Her? Did you give the car a name to Jace?"

"I'm not telling you her name until you apologize to her."

"I would feel better if I knew her name first Jace. If I knew her name then I could apologize properly to her."

"Don't laugh…her name is snowflake…hey…I told you not to laugh Em!"

We both continue to laugh at the odd conversation. She is still giggling when I see her begin to rub her hand across the dash of the car in a petting motion.

"Please excuse my rude comment Miss Snowflake; I did not mean to offend you in any way what so ever."

"Alright, alright enough goofing around Em; do you want to listen to music or not?"

"Yes please."

I pull my IPod out of my pocket and plug it into the auxiliary cord that is attached to the CD play of the car. After I turn on the IPod I hand it over to Em.

"Here you go; you can pick what we listen to."

She takes a few minutes to scan though my list of music and I can hear her chuckling at some of the music I have on it before she squeals loudly and presses play.

"I absolutely love Halestorm Jace! I didn't even know you listened to them."

"Of course I do; it's a good band annnnd Lzzy Hale is smoking hot."

"You are such a pervert Jace; knowing you that is the only reason why you listen to this band."

"That's not true! Halestorm is a fantastic band; it's just a bonus that the lead singer is eye candy."

"Blah, blah, blah."

"You seemed really excited to listen to this band Em."

"I am they are in my top ten."

"Then you are going to be so pissed when I tell you that not only did I get to see them play live but Alec and I had VIP passes to meet the band after the show."

"You're kidding me right?"

"Completely serious; it was pretty cool to meet them."

"Don't you dare tell me you fucked Lzzy Hale!"

"I didn't…Christ Em…just because I think she's hot doesn't mean I tried to get into her pants…even if I wanted to; she is way out of my league."

"I don't know about out of your league but maybe out of your age limit; she is like thirty isn't she?"

"Exactly. Are you hungry? There is a pretty good diner off of this next exit."

"Yes I'm actually starving and still slightly hung-over from all the beer I drank last night."

"Me too; we killed that whole case of beer you know?"

"What do you mean we? You drank way more beer than me Jace."

"I realize that I was the one who drank most of the beer. I don't even remember falling asleep let alone how the hell I got the whole way down the hall to Alec's room."

"You slept with Alec last night?"

"Apparently."

"I'm sure he just loved that."

"He's fine with it. Wasn't the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last time."

"Are you telling me you like to cuddle when you are drunk Jace."

"Don't make the love between Alec and I an ugly thing Em."

"What is this button for?"

Before I can tell her what is for she reaches over and press the button with her finger turning on the neon lights that are under the dash. Since its broad daylight you can barely see the light shining onto the floor of the car.

"Nothing happened?"

"Look down at the floor Em."

"Oh…the button is for those lights. There aren't very bright are they?"

"Well no, not in the daytime but at night time you can really see them."

"When did you put these in here?"

"About two months ago; I got a pretty good deal on them and decided to treat myself."

"Green huh? Interesting choice in color."

"We're here; you are going to love this place Em."

We are both still giggling when we take a seat at the diner. The waitress places two menus on the table and asks us if we want coffee. Em and I both turn our coffee mugs over for the waitress to fill them with fresh coffee.

"I'm going to need a minute to decide what I want but could I get a glass of orange juice please?" Em Asks.

The waitress walks away as Em and I look over the menu. After a quick minute I close my menu and watch Em as she concentrates on reading.

"What are you getting Jace?"

"Cheesesteak omelet."

"Mmm that sounds good; I think I'll get one too."

The waitress takes our order after she places Em's glass of orange juice in front of her.

"Do you think we could pick back up on our conversation from last night Jace?"

"Which one? We had many conversations last night."

"The one about Clary?"

"Em…" I groan.

"I have been thinking about everything you told me and I may have a new perspective on the situation."

"Okay…tell me about this new perspective."

"Do you think that maybe Clary wanted to lose her virginity to you because she knows how much experience you have with sex?"

"Why would that even matter? And please don't say the word lose."

"Think about it for a minute Jace; having sex for the first time is kind of scary especially for a girl. Maybe she picked you because at least you know what you are doing. Too many girls have bad experiences when it comes to having sex for the first time; sometimes their first time can be so bad that they are turned off from sex for a long time."

"Was it like that for you Em or is it different because you are gay?"

"My first time with another girl was amazing; not like it is with Sandra but it was still a good experience. I did have sex with a guy one time before I was ever with a girl though and let me tell you it's not a fond memory at all."

"Maybe it was bad for you because you are a lesbian?"

"I'm sure that's a big part of it but that's not what made it bad Jace. The guy was…I guess I should say boy not guy…he was barely fifteen and he was also a virgin…he had no fucking clue what he was doing and it hurt me a lot… I was sore for almost a week after…like I said not a fond memory."

"I'm sorry he hurt you Em…do I need to hunt him down and kick the shit out of him for you?"

"Like I need you to do that for me; I am perfectly capable of defending myself."

"Did you beat his ass for hurting you?"

"No…it's not like he hurt me deliberately or anything. In fact he didn't even know that he hurt me; I have a pretty high tolerance for pain and just kept quiet until it was over. Thank god it only lasted for about two minutes."

"Two minutes! What a waste of a perfectly good condom!"

"Come on Jace? I'm sure you didn't run any kind of marathon your first time either."

"Well no but I definitely lasted longer than two fucking minutes…I think it was closer to six or seven. I am much better at it now than I was my first time."

"How long did you last with Clary?"

"Fuck Emma! Really?"

"Yes really; what's the big deal?"

"That's private Em…it's not like I care if you know about what I do but it's not my place to tell you about Clary like that."

"You are too sweet Jace."

"Apparently not sweet enough for her though; Clary wants nothing to do with me now."

"What kind of relationship did the two of you have before you had sex?"

"Really not much of one to be honest with you. We never really got to spend too much one on one time with each other. We have gotten along well since the very first day she came to the institute and we work well together in the training room."

"Were you attracted to her right away or was it something that developed over time?"

"Over time I guess…I thought she was pretty the first time I looked at her but after being around her a few times I could really see just how beautiful she really was. My attraction towards her wasn't instant because she looks nothing like the girls I usually go for."

"What kind of girls do you usually go for?"

"The kind of girls that will let me fuck them without any strings attached."

"How do you know that Clary isn't one of those girls? Don't scowl at me like that Jace. I don't mean it like she's a slut or anything; I'm just saying maybe to her having sex with you seemed like a win-win situation."

"Christ this is complicated." I groan.

"Was there ever any flirting between the two of you?"

"Not really…I mean maybe the occasional smile between us for no particular reason. I might have winked at her a few times but she never had any kind of reaction to it."

"How about touching?"

"What do you mean?"

"Was there ever any time that you touched her or she touched you that wasn't considered necessary?"

"No…maybe…I really don't know Em. Can we change the subject my head is starting to hurt."

"Your head hurts from all the beer you drank."

"Em…" I whine.

"Jace…" She whines back and I can't help but laugh at her.

"All this conversation has done is confused me further."

"What is confusing to me is if you were attracted to her pretty much from the start why didn't you ever do anything to pursue her? I know you Jace; when you want a girl you get the girl."

"I guess I felt like she was out of my league."

"Why would you think that?"

"Like you said Em; when I want a girl I get the girl. Guess what happens once I get the girl? I fuck them once or twice and then I move on to the next one. Clary isn't the kind of girl you do that to. She is too good and too pure to be that kind of person. I will never put that notch in my bedpost for Clary."

"You put notches in your bedpost? What a pig!"

"I don't really put notches in my bedpost Em; it was just a figure of speech."

"I really think I'm on to something Jace. Think about it; on paper the idea seemed good to Clary. Maybe she isn't as innocent and pure as you see her. No one is perfect Jace; not even your precious Clary. It's all the shit that happens after that must be making her shy away from you."

"Shy away? She screamed at me and threw things at me. The girl fucking hates me; simple as that."

"Stop talking so loud; there are other people in here. I'm sure she doesn't hate you Jace."

"She told me she regretted what we did…" I whisper as I keep my eyes hidden from her.

"She said that? She actually said the word regret?"

"I asked her if she regretted what we did and she said no but then she said maybe she did and then she said she didn't know. I tried to get her to talk to me about what she was feeling but then she got so damn angry at me. Her words hurt Em…when she threw that remote at me I just snapped."

"What do you mean you snapped?"

"I mean I fucking snapped. I jumped out of her chair and smashed her remote into pieces against her wall. I fucking stormed out of her room like a child and then I proceeded to lose what was left of my mind by trashing my bedroom."

"Trashed your bedroom? Why? Why would you do something like that?"

"Because I was fucking pissed."

"No offense Jace but maybe you are being insensitive to her? Look you are my friend and I'm all for loyalty when it comes to friendship and I don't know anything about Clary but I am a girl. I know what it feels like to have hormones raging through your body…not that you don't know what that feels like…but it seem like sex is so much more complicated for girls. Think about it Jace; boys have it easy. No one thinks twice about boys having sex with random people without attachments but when a girl does something like that then they are judged for it."

"I'm an asshole…" I whisper; shame is heavy in my voice.

"Tell me why you were so angry at Clary."

"At first I thought I was angry at her but then I realized I was really angry at my own self. After I trashed my room I left the institute to clear my head for a while. It took me a while to figure out what I was feeling but I realized what I felt when Clary said what she said was pain; she hurt me."

"Why does that make you an asshole?"

"Because when someone hurts me I find a way to hurt them back."

"Oh Jace…you did didn't you? You hurt Clary back?"

"Yes…" I whisper.

"How? How did you hurt her?"

Instead of answering her I stand up and throw money on the table to pay for our food and walk out the door. A few minutes later I have my head on the steering wheel when Em gets into the car. I look over at her to see her eyes full of sympathy for me.

"Don't feel bad for me Em."

"Jace…tell me how you hurt her."

"Right before I left her room I stopped in her doorway with my back turned to her. My words were cold and harsh; I told her maybe she wasn't the only one who had regrets."

"Do you really feel that way? Do you regret what you did with her?"

"No I don't regret being with Clary…being with her was…I only regret what happened because of how it made her feel…I regret what happened because what little bit of friendship I was developing with her is fucking ruined now."

"You really are an asshole then Jace."

"Told you I was."

"Do you know why I said that Jace?"

"Because it's the truth Em; being an asshole is what I do best."

"Yes I know that, I'm the same kind of asshole as you are; that's why we get along so well. The asshole move you pulled on Clary is a different kind of asshole."

"What do you mean?"

"You lied to her and you lied to yourself. Being an asshole is one thing but being a lying asshole is a whole different ball game."

"Fuck…" I whisper.

"Jace do you have feelings for her? I understand you feel like you had some sort of friendship with her and I understand having sex with her made you have feelings that you don't understand. Do you think it's possible that Clary's words hurt you so bad because you have more feeling for her than you are willing to admit to yourself?"

"I don't know Em… I don't know what kind of feeling I have for her. Dealing with my feelings and my emotions is not something I usually do."

"Maybe she is feeling the same things Jace?"

"No…I think you a wrong about that…I am almost certain that she hates me…I really think you were right about her using me for sex."

"I never said that she used you for sex Jace; don't put words in my mouth."

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean it like that Em. Those were my words not yours but it doesn't mean they aren't true."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Like shit…I have no right to feel like shit but I do…I never really used anyone for sex before…I am very clear with girls when it comes to that…I thought I was being clear with Clary…I thought she was too but now I don't know what to think about all of this."

"How were you clear with her? Did you tell her that it was just about sex?"

"No I didn't say that to her; I already told you that being with Clary was so much more than just sex."

"Did you tell her that?"

"No."

"Then you weren't really clear with her at all then were you?"

"Fuck…"

"Welcome to the real world Jace."

What?"

"The real world is full of feelings and emotions. No matter how closed off you keep yourself and no matter how high your brick wall is that doesn't stop you from feeling things; it doesn't stop the emotions."

"Fuck…fuck…FUCK!"

My head feels like it might explode and my chest is so tight I feel like I can't breathe. How the fuck did all of this happen? Why did I let my brick wall down? How the fuck can I get back to my false reality where all I feel is numb? After what feels like an hour of silence I start the car and we drive back to the city in more silence. My mood is dark and my stomach won't stop hurting; I feel like I could throw up everything I ate for breakfast and it would still not take away these pains. Em's words break the silence in the car as we near the institute.

"We aren't going back to the institute yet are we? It's still early and we have the rest of the day to spend together before I have to go back to LA."

"Where do you want to go then? I don't really have any suggestions for you Em; right now I don't think I am the best company to be around."

"Let's go to the park."

I make a sharp right turn that causes the yellow cab behind me to slam on its breaks and swerve to avoid slamming into the back of my car. If Em wouldn't have been wearing her seatbelt she would have slid across the seat at my reckless driving. When I look over at her she has the look of shock on her face.

"I'm sorry I scared you Em; I told you I wasn't the best company to be around right now."

"So what then? You wreck your car and kill us both in the process? Don't be such a morbid asshole Jace."

"Fuck Em! I said I was sorry."

"Okay…" She whispers.

"Do you want me to take you back to the institute? I'm sure you can't wait to get the fuck away from me now."

"No I want to go to the park." She snaps.

Ten minutes later I park near the curb and shut the engine off before sliding back into my seat where I rest my head on the leather headrest. Em gets out of the car and walks into the park and I continue to set in the car for a few minutes feeling like a bigger asshole as each minute ticks by. With a groan I get out of the car to see where Em went; I find her sitting on a bench watching a squirrel playing in the leaves. I sit down next to her and put my arm over her shoulder before pulling her in for a side hug. She wraps her arms around me and buries he face into my t-shirt and mumbles words I can't understand.

"What did you say Em? I couldn't here you."

She lifts her head and looks me in the eye.

"You shouldn't push people away all the time Jace. Why are you so afraid of letting people in? I probably understand you more than anybody with the exception of Alec and you are a good person. You are funny and you are smart and the lengths you go to, to protect the people you care about says something about what kind of person you are. You say you're an asshole; honestly I think everyone is guilty of being an asshole from time to time but under everything you are an amazing person."

"I appreciate you stroking my ego Em."

"Can you ever have a serious conversation?"

"What am I supposed to do? How do I fix everything with Clary?"

"I can't give you those answers Jace. You have to figure that stuff out on your own."

"You said you were going to help me though."

"I did help you. I got you to talk about everything that happened. Talking about it, saying the words out loud will help you understand the situation more clearly now. It's up to you to figure out the rest of it. No one else can tell you the magic secret how to fix this; not me or anyone else. Only you can find the secret."

"I feel like maybe if Clary would be willing to at least talk to me then maybe I could figure it out but she won't even speak to me."

"Then maybe you need to stop focusing on her. Maybe you just need to focus on you and how you can fix yourself instead of worrying about her."

"How that fuck am I supposed to do that? I can't get that girl out of my head; she is all I can think about. Even if I'm lucky enough to fall asleep she still finds her way into my dreams. I spend every minute of the day waiting to catch a glimpse of her in the hallway. I fight my own thoughts of busting into her room and holding her down so that she will talk to me so that she will listen to me. How can I focus on myself when all I see is her; all I think about is her?"

"Maybe you need a vacation; I hear London is pretty this time of year."

Em and I don't talk anymore for a while; she just continues to snuggle against my side as I try to think about everything that we talked about. After a while Em stands up and pulls me towards the center of the park where we can hear the soft thump of music. We spend the rest of the afternoon watching the different performers dance and sing for spare change.

Em and I enjoyed a late lunch at the pizza parlor and we are now standing in front of the portal at a few minutes till six.

"Are you going to be okay Jace?"

"Right now I don't feel like I could ever be okay again but I'm trying to be hopeful for the future."

"I really enjoyed our visit; I feel like I just got here and now I have to leave already."

"I know; I'm going to miss you Em."

"Me too; it's your turn to come see me next time."

"I know; I'm not sure when I can get time to come see you but I will let you know as soon as I can."

"I hope you come while the weather is still nice; I think some sunshine would do you good. I could teach you how to surf."

"Teach me my ass! I will be a pro at surfing; I am a pro at everything."

"Uh-huh…we will see how cocky you are when you get on the board Jace."

We take the time to enjoy a long hug before she step through the portal. I laugh as her sweet smile is blocked by her middle finger that she holds up to me as she disappears back to LA.

I spent the rest of the night in my room and a good part of Thursday in there as well; only sneaking out for food when I knew the kitchen would be empty. Alec will just have to get over me breaking my promise of making up my training hours. It's now Friday morning and I am standing near the door to the training room waiting for either Izzy or Alec to walk in behind. I figure I can use one or both of my siblings as a human shield. I am waiting because Clary is already in there and I am too big of a chicken to face her alone. Everything that I talked to Em about still hasn't helped me figure out what to do and I am still refusing to accept the fact that maybe Clary really did use me in a way.

"Why are you standing in the hall Jace?"

"Morning Alec; I was just waiting for you."

"Where have you been hiding for the past two days anyhow? I have been meaning to ask you something but you were never around."

"I was in my room. What did you want to ask me?"

"Where did those scratches on your back come from?"

I feel my stomach slam against the back of my throat at his question. Fuck why did I have to drunkenly fall into his bed with my shirt off the other night? Quick Jace! Think of something to say to him!

"Oh you know me Alec; I always find time to show a girl a good time." I answer calmly.

"Yeah I know that but when did it happen? Was it Sunday night when you went to the bar?"

"Yes, yes it was actually." I avoid his eyes so he doesn't see my lie.

Alec rolls his eyes at me as he turns to walk into the training room and I am still laughing by the time we make our way into the center of the room where Clary is stretching her tiny body in preparation for today's sparing exercises. She keeps her back to us as Alec tells her good morning.

"It's definitely morning Alec; not sure it's a good one but still morning anyhow."

Her tone is light and playful enough to make Alec chuckle but I keep quit as I watch her stretch; when she bends over I have to avert my eyes quickly to keep my hormones at bay. Fuck I am supposed to spar with her today; how the fuck can I do that?

While Alec and I take our turns stretching I continue to watch Clary as her and Izzy sort through the music for something to listen to while we train. Alec always complains about our choice in music because he thinks most music is just noise but since Clary, Isabelle and myself out-vote him by three to one we always have music when we are training. When the music begins to play I decide to test the waters with Clary by speaking.

"Twin Atlantic? Who picked this? Was it you Clary?"

"No! I picked it Jace; why do you have a problem with this band?"

"Not at all. I love TA I only asked because I wanted to say good choice that's all."

So much for testing the waters with Clary. The entire conversation that I had with Izzy, Clary seemed to be deliberately ignoring what was being said. I guess the water is still frozen solid then. Yeah sparing with Clary should be great fun today considering she refuses to speak to me.

Clary is standing on her starting mark that is on the training mat and she is looking around the room at everything except me as I take my mark in front of her. When the song Yes I was Drunk begins to play my chest tightens; this song hits way to close to home for me right now. In a flash I have Clary flat on her back and my booted foot pressed against her throat. For a fraction of a second she looks at me with her green eyes before she moves faster than I have ever seen her move before. Her tiny legs swing around and kick me hard in the stomach; sending me halfway across the mat where I land ungracefully on my rear-end in shocked surprise. Before I can scramble to a standing position she is on my back choking me with her forearm as she inflicts countless blows to my kidney with her tiny fist.

Reaching behind my head; I grab her by her shoulders and flip her up over my head and slam her onto the mat. Instead of making the same mistake as I did earlier I throw my body down and pin her legs with my arms as my foot shoves her head back into the mat. I realize she is fighting dirty when she shamelessly punches me right between the legs causing me to roll onto my back as I fight the urge to puke. She is relentless with her attack as she jumps onto my chest. She has her knees pressed hard into my chest as her tiny hands begin to choke the air out of my throat.

I was already having trouble breathing after she punched me in my most sensitive area but now I find myself fighting for air as my eyes fill with tears from her tight grip on my throat. Fuck she is so much stronger than I have ever given her credit for and I can't help but feel the urge to smile at her in praise. I must have actually smiled because she takes it the wrong way and while continuing to choke me; she lifts my head off the mat and proceeds to smash my skull repeatedly against the floor.

"ENOUGH!" Alec roars.

Clary and I ignore Alec as she continues her assault on my body. I just lay there and let her attack happen.

"Tap out Jace! You know the rules; she won't stop until you tap out!" Izzy chimes in.

I don't tap out I just keep trying to get her to look into my eyes as she continues to slam my head against the floor while still choking me. The room is starting to get darker and I can see stars as she ruthlessly cut off my oxygen.

"Fuck Clary enough already! His lips are turning blue!" Alec's voice is high pitched and full of panic.

Right now she hears nothing that Alec or Izzy is saying; right now all she is hearing is all of her own rage that is pounding in her tiny body. I should tap out so that I don't pass out but I don't. Maybe this is what she need; maybe she needs to choke the life out of me so she doesn't have to see my face anymore. My face and my burning gold eyes that caused her so much confusion and pain. Just when I feel like the darkness might consume me completely; Izzy rips Clary off of my chest and drags her halfway across the room.

I roll over onto my stomach and begin to cough violently as air begins to fill my lungs once again. When Alec puts his hand on my shoulder I shake it off and pull myself to my feet. I don't look at any of them as I bolt from the room to seek out the safety of my locked bedroom. As I lay on my bed I am overwhelmed with emotions. I don't know what feels worse the anger I still feel towards myself or the pain that Clary has mentally put me through or even worse the pain that I now know she is feeling.

Giving up on sleep I climb into the shower at ten after five in the morning. Halfway through my shower I come to a decision and quickly finish my shower and throw my clothes on before heading to Alec's bedroom. He groans and shakes my hand off of his shoulder when I try to wake him up.

"Alec wake up; I really need to talk to you."

He rolls over and rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands before sitting up and looking at me.

"Is it still dark outside? What time is it Jace?"

"Almost five thirty."

"Shit Jace! It's Saturday; what is so important that you had to wake me up so early?"

"I have to go away for a while Alec."


	5. Chapter 5

MUSIC LIST FOR THIS NEXT CHAPTER.

Boy Like Me: New Medicine

Through The Ghost: Shinedown

Rain: Breaking Benjamin

And I drove You Crazy: Banks

Somebody Like You(Acoustic): Pop Evil

Remember Everything: Five Finger Death Punch

Believe: Asking Alexandria

Breaking Down: Florence &amp; The Machine

Fall Into The Party: Twin Atlantic

Innocence: Halestorm

Sorry: Art Of Dying

His blue eyes go wide and he reaches over to turn on his bedside lamp before he looks at me in confusion.

"What do you mean you have to go away? How long is a while? Where are you even going?"

"I'm going to go stay with Em in LA for a while; I'm not exactly sure how long I will be gone. I know I'm not supposed to leave you but right now I am no good to you anyhow so I wanted to tell you I was leaving."

"Why? Jace what's wrong? Why won't you talk to me?"

"I just can't right now; please try to understand. I have too much going on in my head right now to even try to explain it to you. I just need some time to get my head clear."

"Why do you have to go all the way to LA to clear your head? Can't you at least give me some sort of clue as to what this is all about?"

"Please Alec…" I choke back a sob as I plead with him.

Alec throws himself at me and hugs me tightly. I bury my face into his neck as I return his hug and the tears pour down my face and onto his shirt.

"Jace…" He whispers.

"Please just let me go Alec…I'll come back I promise…just please don't make me feel guilty for leaving you."

"You don't have to feel guilty…it just hurts that you won't even try to talk to me."

"I'm s-s-sorry…"

"I will miss you while you are gone."

"I love you Alec."

"I love you too Jace."

I am sitting at the table in the library of the Los Angeles institute waiting for Em to get here. I didn't make the time to tell her I was coming so when I called her she was surprised to hear that I was already here. She said that she was leaving her apartment as soon as we hung up the phone.

I spend the next week at the beach learning to surf and dutifully apologize to Em for being cocky when I had told her I would be a pro at surfing. I couldn't have been more wrong; surfing is much harder than it looks. I am proud to say that by the end of the week I consider myself to at least be an amateur surfer. I shaved my face clean this morning at Em's request; she said I was starting to look like a bum and now I am sitting in a chair at a hair salon as a short Asian girl cuts my hair. After she cuts my hair she turns my chair around for me to see her work. Damn I really was looking like a bum; I guess I just didn't really care. I have needed a haircut for almost a month now. My hair no longer hangs to the top of my shoulders in a stringy mess. She cut my hair so it is just at my chin in the front and slightly tapered shorter in the back; it looks good on me.

"Smoking hot Jace!"

"You think so Em?"

"Don't act so surprised; you know how sexy you are Jace. You just needed to get cleaned up a little."

"Sandra, please control your girlfriend. How can you let her flirt with me like that when you are standing right there? Honestly Em, have you no shame at all?"

Before either girl can say anything to me Em's cell phone begins to ring. Em walks out of the salon to take her phone call and after I pay for my hair-cut Sandra and I join Emma outside in the blistering sun.

"Hold on Izzy…here is Jace…I understand that Izzy but maybe he can help so just talk to him okay?"

Em holds her phone out to me with a look of panic on her face and I feel all the hair on my arms stand to attention.

"What's wrong Em?"

"Here talk to your sister; she called me for advice but I think maybe you could help better than I can. Clary isn't doing good Jace."

I don't give Emma the chance to say anything else as I snatch the phone from her hand.

"Izzy? What's wrong?"

"_I wanted to talk to Emma not you."_

"What is wrong with Clary?"

"_I don't know."_

"Izzy! For fuck sakes! Tell me what is going on."

"_She won't come out of her room and she refuses to talk to me and Alec. I tried to get her to talk to Simon on the phone but she just hung up on him. I called Em because I needed a female perspective on all of this. I am sorry to bother you with all of this Jace; Alec told me that you had to get away for a while to clear your head about some things so I feel terrible to be bothering you with stuff that doesn't concern you. She just won't stop crying and she is barely eating; I thought maybe Em would know what was wrong with her. My best guess would be that some asshole broke her heart but I didn't even know she was seeing anyone and Simon said that she didn't mention a guy to him either. I just don't understand what is wrong with her. I don't know what to do; I feel like maybe if I were around more then maybe she would talk to me. I have been spending so much time with Simon that I think I may have been neglecting my friendship with Clary."_

"Izzy where is Clary at right now?"

"_I told you; she won't come out of her room_."

"Does she have her door locked?"

"_No she doesn't have a door on her room."_

"What? Why?"

"_Alec took it from her. She wouldn't quit locking it and he said we had to keep an eye on her and that we had to take her food so maybe she would eat. Jace she didn't even seem to care that Alec took her door away."_

"Take the phone in and give it to Clary."

"_Why?"_

"Just fucking do it Izzy!"

"_I think you are wasting your time Jace; she doesn't want to talk to anyone."_

"Izzy if you don't take the phone into Clary right fucking now then so help me god I will fucking kill you when I get home!"

I can hear the phone crack a few times as Izzy walks into Clary's room. I can hear Izzy's distant voice telling Clary to take the phone.

"_She won't take the phone from me. She's just lying there staring at the wall."_

"Then hold the damn phone up to her ear."

"_Okay…"_

I wait a couple of seconds for Izzy to do what I ask.

"Clary? …Hello?...Clary it's Jace…"

The call gets disconnected but before I can dial Izzy's number the phone rings and I push the talk button.

"Izzy what happened?"

"_She hung up the phone and locked herself in the bathroom. She is crying again. I don't know what to do Jace."_

"Get out of her room and leave her alone."

"_Jace there must be something I can do. I can't just leave her locked in the bathroom like this. I wish Simon could come here; maybe he could talk to her."_

"Get out of her room and tell Alec to put her fucking door back on; he had no right to take it from her in the first place! He will hear it from me about that when I get home! If Clary wants to be left alone then you need to respect her wishes and leave her the fuck alone do you understand me Izzy? That goes for Alec too; you tell him to put her door back on and stay the fuck away from her!"

"_Please stop yelling at me Jace and please don't be mad at Alec; we didn't know what else to do. She never said she wanted to be left alone. She won't say anything at all. I am worried about her. I don't think she has eaten anything for almost a week. She hasn't even showered or changed her clothes for almost three days. I'm just supposed to ignore her behavior?"_

My long legs are moving fast down the street as I listen to my sister on the other end of the phone. I am walking so fast that I might as well be running; making it difficult for Em and Sandra to keep up with me.

"Just do what I told you to do…I will be there in about an hour…I'm coming home…"

I end the call and begin to run now that I don't need the extra air in my lungs to talk on the phone towards the LA institute so that I can portal home. I have my bags sitting on the floor as I stand with my back to the portal and Em is standing in front of me. My panic rises as every second ticks by with worry for that green eyed girl that I have managed to push to the back of my mind for the last week. I might have been able to push her to the back of my mind but she never left; she is always in my thoughts and she is always in my dreams.

"Jace are you sure it's a good idea to go home so soon? I mean you were just starting to really come out of your shell here. I am afraid that if you go back then you will end up right back where you started."

Emma has every right to be concerned for me because I have the same concern but none of that matters right now because right now Clary needs me to be there for her. I know she will scream and I know she will fight me but no amount of screaming or bruises she can inflict on me matter because I know what she needs. She needs to have someone wrap their arms around her and hold her tight while she cries. I feel sick that she is so alone; she has shut herself off from everyone; even Simon. She needs someone to hold her and just fucking be there so she doesn't feel so alone. It would have been easy for me to hide in my fucking room all alone but I knew that would get me nowhere and that is why I came to LA to be with Em. I feel guilty for wanting to be with Em instead of Alec because I have always gone to Alec when I needed support. I have spent countless nights sleeping next to him in his bed for countless reasons throughout our entire friendship. I realize that the biggest reason why I came to Em instead of staying home and talking to Alec about my problems isn't just because I am able to talk to Em without feeling judged. The truth is I was running; I was running away from my problems instead of standing my ground and having patience with Clary.

"Emma don't worry about me. I promise you that I am fine. I have to go now; I need to get to Clary."

"What if she still won't talk to you?"

"She doesn't have to talk to me but she doesn't have to feel so alone either."

"So if she doesn't have to talk to you then how can you help her?"

"She just needs someone to hold her while she cries. She needs to understand that she isn't alone."

"What if she doesn't want you to hold her?"

"She won't have that choice. I am the reason why she is like this. I am the only one who can even begin to understand what she is going through. I have to go now Em; give me a hug."

Em hugs me tight and mumbles into my hair.

"I know, I will miss you too Em. I will see you soon."

I step out of the portal and jog towards the elevator to go to Clary's room. When I get off the elevator I find Izzy and Alec setting on the floor beside Clary's bedroom door; at least they listened to one thing I told them by putting her door back on but they didn't listen to me about leaving her alone. The two of them sitting outside her room talking; even in the most hushed voices is still not leaving Clary alone like I asked them to. I would love to chew their ass out about this and to slap the fuck out of Alec for taking her door off its hinges in the first place but I don't have time for that shit right now. They remain silent as they watch me take my boots off before turning her door handle. I glance over my shoulder and point towards the elevator to make them understand that they need to leave.

Quietly I shut Clary's bedroom door before I walk over and lay down beside her. She was crying so loud that she didn't hear me enter her room and when she feels me lay down beside her, her sobs stop and her whole body jerks. Before she can turn over to face me I wrap my arms and legs around her and pull her back tightly to my chest. She begins to try to fight her way out of my arms as she start to cry again and I just hold her tighter.

"Shh…it's okay Clary…just let me hold you okay…you don't have to say anything but just let me hold you…I'm the only one who understand why you are crying…you shouldn't have to feel so alone…just let me hold you…"

My words were soft enough to soothe her to the point that she stops fighting to get away from me but her crying increase in volume. I fight back my own tears as her tiny body shudders under my hold. How the hell did we get here? How is it ever going to stop feeling like this? The past week I have spent in LA felt like maybe things could get better but the truth is things aren't better. As I hold this tiny girl in my arms I have come to the realization that things are somehow worse because I left. I should have never left; I should have stayed.

An hour later her crying has stopped and I am proud of the strength I had to keep my own tears from falling. She has been quiet enough for the past ten minutes that I think she must have fallen asleep but then I hear her soft voice as she begins to speak; her voice is hoarse from crying and I have to strain to hear what she says.

"I'm sorry for what happened in the training room."

"It's okay…"

"I don't know what came over me. I had no right to do what I did. How can you stand to even be near me? I feel like such a monster."

"Shh…it's okay…I understand why you did it and I am not mad at you for it. Please don't feel like you have anything to apologize for."

"Can you ever forgive me?"

"You haven't done anything that you need to be forgiven for Clary. I know I hurt you and you just needed to find some way to make me understand your pain. Why do you think I just let you do it? Why do you think I didn't stop you? I let you do it because if inflicting physical pain on me took away your pain then that was what I wanted for you but if it makes it easier then you are forgiven."

"Thank you…" she sniffles.

She is quiet again and I can almost feel the air in the room becoming heavy as it fills with unspoken words and question after question. Instead of saying what I want to say to her and instead of asking her questions I decide to make a joke. I bury my nose in her hair as I start to talk.

"When is the last time you washed your hair? I think I could fry an egg with all this grease."

I feel my heart begin to beat again when her body shakes with laughter.

"Look who's taking Jace…between your beard and your long hair you are starting to look like a hippy."

I laugh at her surprisingly light tone.

"I have no idea what you are talking about Clary."

I feel her attempt to roll over and I keep my hands and legs close to her so she doesn't escape and lock herself in the bathroom but I allow her to turn and face me. She covers her mouth with her tiny hand when she she's my clean shaved face and fresh cut hair. She keeps her hand over her mouth as she starts to talk.

"You look so handsome."

"Thank you."

"I don't think I have seen your hair this short before. It looks really good on you."

"Why are you covering your mouth? I can hardly understand what you are saying."

"My hair isn't the only thing that I have neglected for three days. I don't want you to smell my bad breath."

I can't help it; laughter burst from my chest and I risk her running away when I roll onto my back only to crash to the floor because I forgot how small her bed was. I look up to see the look of shock in her green eyes as she looks over the side of her bed at me. The ghost of a smile is on her face but she is trying so hard not to laugh when she asks:

"Are you okay Jace?"

"You can laugh; it's funny. It is funny that I fell off of your bed."

"It is funny but are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I think I fell when I got a whiff of your breath; by the angel I think something died in there."

Her loud laughter is music to my ears as she beats me with her pillow. I am still lying on her floor when the room grows quiet again. She is lying on her bed and her fingers are draped over the side of her mattress (it takes everything in me not to reach up and grip her tiny fingers in my hand) when she starts to talk again.

"I think we have some things to talk about Jace." Her words sounded more like a question than a statement and I can hear uncertainty in her voice.

"I'm ready when you are." I say casually. I don't want her to hear how ready I really am. I want to jump up off her floor and start talking in a rush of words so that I can say everything that I have wanted to say for the past two weeks; to ask her all the questions that have been filling my mind to the point that they physically makes my head ache.

"Not right now though."

"Why? What's wrong with right now?" fuck I sound so needy; so much for keeping my tone casual.

"I need to take a shower and get some food in me first; I can't even remember the last time I ate anything."

"Okay I will give you some time but please come find me as soon as you are ready to talk okay?"

"Just give me twenty minutes to take a shower and then you can take me for dinner."

I decide not to question her. If I ask her any questions or say the wrong thing she might change her mind. Maybe this will be easier to do than I thought it was. The fact that she wants me to take her to dinner must be a good thing right? Well it's either a good thing or maybe she wants me to take her to dinner knowing we will be in a public place and won't really be able to talk the way we need to talk. Honestly though; it's probably better this way; maybe if we can manage idle chit-chat for an hour over dinner in a public place it will take some of the tension out of not speaking for the past two weeks.

"I will meet you downstairs then." I carefully say.

"Okay see you soon." She says as she shuts her bathroom door.

Just as I am about to leave her room her sketch book catches my eye and when I look down at it I can see my blond hair sticking out of one of its corners. Not wanting to get caught I quickly flip through the drawings; there must be twenty or more drawings of me in her sketch book. Me sitting in the greenhouse reading a book, me shirtless and covered in sweat standing in the training room, me with my arm around Alec in the kitchen; every one of them is me. I must have lost track of time because when I hear the water to the shower cut off I quickly shut her sketch book and get out of her room. Ten minutes later I hear the ding of the elevator and she steps out into the hallway. Her hair is still wet and she has it braided loosely over her shoulder. Her tight jeans pair nicely with a plain grey fitted t-shirt (she really has lost an alarming amount of weight while I was away) and she is wearing her paint splattered converse sneakers. She is absolutely beautiful as she walks towards me with a soft smile on her face.

"What are you hungry for?" I try my best to hide the guilt I feel for her lack of appetite.

"I really want coconut pancakes from Taki's."

Christ! Of course she would want to go to Taki's of all places. I don't care if I have to tell Kailea to fuck off and leave me alone; I am taking Clary wherever she wants to go.

"Sounds good; are you ready to go?"

She smiles at me as she walks quietly beside me while we make our way towards Taki's; her bright green eyes take in the city as though she hasn't seen the light of day in weeks. When I think about the last time I saw her outside being almost two weeks ago maybe that was in fact the last time she did see the light of day. Her voice brings me back to the here and now.

"Where do you want to sit? The booth we usually sit in is already taken."

I point to one of the small two-seater booths that are in the back near the bathrooms and silently pray that this section of the restaurant doesn't belong to Kailea's designated tables. I flip blindly through the menu feeling nervous. I want to talk to her but I know that we can't get into anything too heavy and I'm not sure how to talk to her in a casual manner. There is so much that needs to be said between the two of us but now is not the time; so how do we manage chit-chatting as though everything is perfectly fine?

"Hey there Jace; long time now see!"

I look up to see Trina's smiling face and breathe a sigh of relief.

"How are you Trina?"

"Oh you know I could complain but who wants to hear that right? Have you been going to the tanning bed? You look good Mr. Wayland."

"Just got back from a week in LA. All that sunshine and hours spent at the beach has contributed to my darker complexion."

"Must be nice; do you know what you two want or do you need a few minutes?"

"Clary? Are you ready to order?" I ask.

I catch the look of sadness in her green eyes before she looks up at Trina.

"Could I please have two coconut pancakes and a chocolate milkshake?"

"Sure thing sweetie; do you want honey or syrup for your pancakes?"

"Honey." We both say at the same time.

"Sorry Clary…" I mumble.

"It's okay…" She whispers as she shifts her eyes away from me; she has the ghost of a smile on her face for a split second before it disappears.

"How about you Jace? What would you like to eat?"

"Just some water please. I'm not really hungry I just wanted to bring Clary for dinner."

"I will put this in; you let me know if you change your mind okay?" Trina says before turning away.

"We didn't have to even come here Jace. I didn't realize you weren't going to get anything to eat."

"I just got done eating right before I came home."

"With Em?"

"Yep Em and Sandra."

"Maybe we should just cancel my pancakes and go; I can always get something at home."

"No don't do that. Please stay and eat your pancakes. You really need to eat something Clary; you look like you have lost weight. Would it make you feel better if I ordered some fries or something?"

"I-I…no you don't have to do that."

Fuck here comes Kailea with Clary's milkshake and my water.

"Jace Wayland in the flesh! Where the hell have you been?"

FUCK!

"Hi Kailea; I was in LA." I mumble as I pick at the corner of my menu.

"Your brother was in here earlier with his boyfriend and he said you were away but didn't know when you were coming back. Why were you in LA?"

"Yeah he actually doesn't even know that I am home yet. I had to help with some training issues in LA. I guess you could say I was being sneaky about coming home today; I wanted to spend some time with Clary first."

Damn it! Why did I have to say that? I know I said it to try to get Kailea to stop drooling over me but I shouldn't have done that to Clary. I will have to find a way to apologize to her once Kailea leaves. When I risk looking at her she surprises me by curling her fingers around my hand and smiling sweetly at Kailea before she says.

"Isn't he sweet? He missed me so much that he came home early just to see me."

The smile slips from Kailea's face at the same time my jaw slams back shut after it dropped open at what Clary just said.

'I'm sure Trina will be here shortly with your food; I just came over to say hi."

She turns her back and stalks off towards the kitchen with a purpose to her step. If I wasn't so confused by Clary's words and even more distracted feeling her fingers wrapped around my hand I might have found Kailea's swift exit to be comical. When I feel Clary's fingers leave my skin I look into her green eyes.

"I hope that helped you out Jace; it looked like she was making you uncomfortable."

"Yeah…yeah thank you for that Clary…I don't know what her deal is lately."

"Come on Jace you're gorgeous as it is but since you got a nice tan on your skin and a fresh hair-cut; it's no wonder she was drooling over you. I know you two had something going on at one time so maybe she is looking to rekindle things." She giggles; fucking giggles…she finds humor in my torment.

I roll my eyes and take a sip from my glass of water while I watch her pluck the cherry off the top of her milkshake and pull it into her mouth using her tongue. Fuck I feel the front of my jeans twitch and quickly look away before I can make things worse for myself. We sit quietly until Trina brings Clary's pancakes and then leaves again after we tell her we don't need anything else. I watch her take the time to cut up her pancakes and I continue to watch her as she takes a bite and begins to chew. Her eyes flutter closed like they always do when she takes her first bite of the sweet pancakes. She keeps them closed as she slowly chews her food and I can't help but focus my eyes on her full lips as they move; there is a smear of honey on her top lip and it take everything in me not to lean across the table and lick it off of her mouth.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"Huh? Oh sorry." I look away quickly after I mutter my apology.

"Alec told me that you might be away for a few weeks but you're home now. What made you come home so soon if you were planning to stay in LA for a few weeks?"

"Alec was only speculating how long I would be away; there was never a time frame set in stone. I just needed to…to get away for a while…I'm home now so that's all that matters."

I love (actually I hate it) how the two of us are having a conversation about me leaving and coming back home when I think we both know why I left and I think we both know why I came home; but I guess that's what makes this idle chit-chat.

"Are you going back to LA?"

"Sure for visits but nothing extended. Emma and I try to take turns as far as who goes where."

"Were you planning on coming home today or did Izzy and Alec convince you to come home?"

I have no idea how to answer her question right here in the middle of a busy diner without opening up a huge can of worms. I have a strange feeling that Clary is somehow testing me right now; like she wants me to fuck up and say the wrong thing right here in the middle of the restaurant just so she can bolt away from me once again. My long period of silence as I look into her expectant eyes is only making my; and I'm sure her anxiety rise to an uncomfortable level. FUCK! Just get it over with Jace. The worst thing that could happen would be for her to bolt out of the restaurant; only this time I will chase after her. I won't allow her to run away from me any longer; at least not until we can really sit down and talk things through about that night. I GOT IT! I will answer her honestly under the disguise of a joke.

"I never was the kind of person who tolerates being hung up on." I say lightly and give her one of my signature crooked smiles as my eyebrow arches high above my left eye.

"What did you do in LA all week?"

"We went to the beach every day; Em taught me how to surf. Let me tell you if you think surfing looks easy; it's not."

"What else did you and Em do?"

"Surfing during the day and drinking way too much alcohol at night was the highlight of most of our days but we did go to a couple of cool places to eat and we even saw a concert on Friday."

"Oh? What band?"

"Cold War Kids."

"I am so jealous right now! I absolutely love the Cold War Kids."

"They actually just started their tour so if you really want to go see them I would be happy to take you. They put on an amazing show and I would definitely pay good money to see them again." I hope that I didn't sound too assuming by offering to take her to a concert.

"Are you sure Em would be okay with that?"

"Why would she care…"

My words trail off when I see how guarded Clary's eyes are. She must think something is going on between Em and I.

"Why wouldn't she care?" She asks casually but the look in her eyes tells me how scared she really is to hear the answer to her question.

"Clary you got this all wrong; I am not in a relationship with Emma. I promise you she is just my friend."

"You mean like Kailea is just your friend? Exactly how many friends do you have Jace?" Her tone is almost venomous and I feel my panic rise.

"No! Nothing ever happened between Em and I. Emma is gay, she has a girlfriend named Sandra. Everywhere I went with Em I went with Sandra. As far as Kailea goes…well yeah I hooked up with her a couple of times but it's not like she was my girlfriend or anything…it was just fucking; nothing more. I don't even really consider her a friend; being friendly with her just makes it easier to come in here and eat. If I wasn't nice to her then god knows what she would do to my food. Clary, I haven't fucked her in almost six months and up until a couple of weeks ago she has been cool. I'm not sure why all of a sudden she's acting like an animal in heat around me but I think after what you said to her she should back off now. I am assuming by the way you put emphasis on the word friend you are referring to how may girls I have fucked? If you really want me to sit here and crunch the numbers for you I'll do it but why would you want to know that? Why does what I have done in the past matter?"

"Oh…it's none of my business what you do anyhow."

"Yes it is. Why wouldn't it be? Clary listen…" I start to try to explain to her but she cuts me off with her sharp words.

"No Jace! It's not my business; you're not my boyfriend; Jace Wayland is no one's boyfriend. Jace Wayland is just out for a good time with no strings attached so it's not my business what you do or who you do it with."

I scramble to dig money out of my wallet to pay for Clary's food before leaving the restaurant. I practically jog to catch up with her hurried walking; I grab her by her elbow just before she can cross the street towards the institute; I tense and wait for her to slap the shit out of me and scream in my face. Her green eyes burn into my face as she looks up at me but she makes no attempt to pull away from my grip on her arm.

"Why did you leave? What did I do wrong?" My voice is full of sorrow and shaky with the threat of tears. My questions aren't just about her leaving Taki's; my questions are about that night she left my room. My questions are about wondering why she pushed me away when I tried to talk to her after everything happened. Her harsh words about what kind of person Mr. Jace Wayland is sting and make me feel shame about my past but worse than that they only confuse me further. Isn't she the one who used me? Didn't she take advantage of my so called no strings attached life-style to help her not be a virgin anymore? After talking to Emma about everything that happened; these are the things that I have come to accept. But am I wrong? My fucking head is pounding with all this uncertainty. I can't take much more of all these unanswered questions. I can't take much more of this ache in my god damned chest that won't go away.

"Can we go back to the institute please?"

"Are you going to talk to me when we get there? Fuck, I can't handle this shit anymore. We can't keep doing this Clary; we need to talk about this."

"We will talk, just not out here in the middle of the street."

Unwillingly I let go of her arm for fear of her running away from me yet again and follow her to the institute and continue to follow her as we step onto the elevator. I step back and wave my hand towards the buttons; giving her permission to push the button for where she wants to go. I figured she would have pushed the button for the greenhouse because it's a pretty private place where we could talk with little chance of interruption. She ends up pushing the button for the third floor where our bedrooms are. I silently follow her down the hall and am surprised when she stops in front of my bedroom door. I don't question her choice; if anything I find myself almost comforted with the thought of being in the sanctuary of my bedroom as I open the door and follow her inside. She sits on the edge of my bed and crosses her legs before she places her folded hands on her lap as she stares at her fingers. Seeing her sitting on my bed; looks so damn right to me that it hurts to even look at her. I stand with my back against my closed bedroom door waiting for her to say something; she doesn't say anything she just sits there staring at her fingers.

"Talk to me Clary." I say softly.

"Will you sit down or something? You are standing all the way over there and it's making me nervous."

I don't think I can handle sitting next to her on my bed; I don't trust myself not to pin her to my mattress and kiss her until my head spins, to kiss her until this ache in my chest goes away. I decide to sit in my chair that is next to my bed; I pull the chair closer to Clary so that I can sit right in front of her. Her green eyes slowly work their way up my body and over my entire face before she looks me right in the eyes. Of all the fucked up times for my mind to wander to the perverted thoughts of what it feels like to have her eyes look at my body as though she were mentally undressing me; only confuse me further. Emma was right about one thing when it comes to Clary and I; the physical chemistry between the two of us is undeniable. My pulse quickens anytime I am near this girl (hell it quickens just thinking about her) and by the way she just looked at my body tells me that she feels the same way. She is just sitting there looking at me; why won't she say anything? Why won't she just get the fuck off that bed and kiss me already if she is going to look at me like that? I think I know the answer to that last question actually; Mr. Jace Wayland is a no strings attached kind of guy.

"Come on Clary…talk to me please." I plead.

"I…d-don't know where to s-start."

"Anywhere would be good; how about starting with why you left my room that night."

"I guess I was scared…I guess I just panicked."

"Scared? Panicked? Why?"

"That night turned out to be something I never expected. I didn't realize how much it would hurt me."

Fuck I can't take this; how did I not realize how much I hurt her that night? The haunting words that Em told me come flooding into my head when I think about how clueless I was to Clary's pain. Em had said how she had a high threshold for pain and that the guy she slept with didn't even have a clue how much he was hurting her. My mind takes me back to the day Clary ruthlessly assaulted me in the training room; I remember thinking at the time how much stronger she was than I have ever given her credit for. All these thoughts swirl through my brain along with the images of seeing the look of bliss on her face when she found her release as I rocked into her; only fuck with my head further. Was I wrong about what I saw? Could she have fooled me into thinking that I was bringing her pleasure when I was really only causing her pain? This has me so torn apart right now; I know girls can fake moans and facial expressions but I know her body could have only pulsed and shaken the way it did if her pleasure was real. All this drama, all this bullshit, all this fucking confusion is exactly why I have always lived a no strings attached life style; why I have never had or even wanted any kind of relationship.

"Why didn't you tell me to stop Clary? You know I would have stopped; I told you I would stop if you wanted me to…oh god I think I'm going to throw up."

"Jace! Stop freaking out; that's not what I meant. I wasn't talking about physical pain. I won't lie it did hurt a little bit at first…you know that …you saw my tears…you heard me cry out…but it was only at first…I know you did everything you could so it wouldn't hurt and after my body adjusted it felt…it felt…"

"It felt what Clary?"

"Amazing…"

I just did a mental backflip at her confession only to mentally kick myself in the ass when I remember what she said.

"Then what do you mean I hurt you?"

"I didn't say you hurt me Jace; I said I didn't realize how much it would hurt me."

"How is that different?"

"Because Jace; for the past six months I have had so many fantasies about being with you, about doing what we did that night. I never thought in a million years that those fantasies would ever come true. So when you kissed me I thought to myself; how lucky am I? I told myself how lucky I was that you were going to be the first person I was going to have sex with because you have so much experience that surely you would be able to make it a good experience for me."

"Are you saying you only wanted to have sex with me because I know what I am doing?"

My chest feels like it might crush my heart enough to kill me as I wait for her to answer me.

"For the longest time that's what I thought. I am always so shy and so nervous all the time and I thought that if I could just not be a virgin anymore then maybe I wouldn't be so awkward all the time. I had this stupid fantasy about being bold enough to just come out and ask for your help but I could never get the guts up to actually ask you. I figured you would laugh in my face for asking you something so stupid; I knew I would never be able to look you in the eye again if you laughed at me. That night I came to your room I was really only curious about what music you were listening to but then everything else happened."

"So you heard opportunity knocking at your door and decide to just go with it?" I am surprised that I am able to keep the hurt and anger out of my voice.

"That is what I told myself…but then after…when we were laying in your bed looking at each other…everything changed…everything hit my like a ton of bricks and I panicked. I couldn't figure out what to do about how I felt and that's why I kept pushing you away every time you tried to talk to me. Even that day in the training room when you asked who picked the music; I knew that was your way of trying to talk to me. I knew that you must have been thinking that if you could somehow get me to talk to you about that one thing then we could talk about what happened but all I could think about was you telling me that you regretted what we did. When you said that I felt…I don't even know what I felt exactly…hurt…anger…shame…so many feelings and when you tried to talk to me that day in the training room the only thing I could hold onto was the anger. I was so angry with you and angry with myself that I just snapped. I will forever be sorry for hurting you like that; not just for attacking you in the training room but for throwing my remote at you."

She has tears in her eyes and she is wringing her fingers as she waits for my response. As fucked up as it is; I have to fight the urge to laugh at her right now because she thinks I actually give a shit about the physical pain she caused me. I would take an ass beating any day over the mental and emotional pain this red haired girl has caused me over the past two weeks. I have so many questions to ask her and I have so many things to say to her but my mouth speaks before I can decide where to start.

"How did you feel? What were you feeling that scared you enough to make you leave my room that night?"

"I thought all this time that my feeling for you were purely physical. I thought that it was just…well lust I guess…"

She trails off and my heart begins to pound hard in my chest at the thought of what she is trying to say.

"If those feeling were the wrong ones then what were you really feeling?"

"I love you Jace…"

Her voice was low and her eyes were on her hands when she said it but the words were still spoken. In a flash I am out of my chair and have her pinned to my mattress before I consume her mouth in mine. My hands run wildly over her body as our tongues slide together and when I feel her fingers knot into my hair I groan into her mouth and she breaks our kiss with a gasp.

"Jace stop! I can't do this."

"Why?"

"I can't put myself through the pain of only having you for a little while until you decide I'm old news. Please don't think I am judging you it's just not something I can handle."

"What are you talking about old news?"

"I don't want you to think that just because I have feeling for you then that means you can have me anytime you want me; I can't be that person for you Jace; I wish I…"

"Clary you will never be old news to me. I have never felt this way before. It took me leaving you to figure out all these feeling inside of me and how to deal with the fact that you didn't feel the same way about me as I did about you. But you do feel the same way about me. Clary I love you…"

"Jace…please promise me that you aren't just saying that to…"

"To what? You think I said that just so you would have sex with me?"

I jump up off the bed and begin to pace around my room as anger bubbles in my chest. I fight the urge to pick my chair up and throw it through the window. Clary lays frozen in place on my bed as I glance towards her during my angry pacing.

"I can't believe you would think that Clary! I would never tell you I loved you just for sex. You don't know the guts it took for me to tell you I love you; saying those things is not easy for me. If I just wanted sex I could go and find it anywhere I wanted to. I don't need to make up lies to fuck someone; I could have a line of girls a mile long in about ten minutes to pick from to fuck. At least that's easy; when you are just out for a good fuck you don't have all this other shit to worry about. All these fucking feelings and all these god damned emotions; all this fucking drama."

By the time I am finished with my rant I am bawling like a fucking idiot. Damn tears won't quit streaming down my face and my fucking nose is running. I jump when she touches my lower back and I quickly turn around to face her as I pointlessly try to hide my tears from her. She wraps her arms around me and buries her own tear streaked face into my shirt. We both stand there crying like babies for what feels like an hour before she pulls away from my body. She takes my hand and pulls me towards the bed and pushes me onto the mattress. Instead of her getting into bed with me she kneels on the floor at the edge of my bed and takes my boots and my socks off. She stands up and takes my hands in hers; pulling me into a sitting positon before she takes off my t-shirts. I watch her as she bravely unhooks my belt and then opens my jeans with her small hands. Her green eyes are looking right at me as I lean back on my arms and lift my hips so she can take off my jeans and boxers. I continue to lean back on my hands and watch her as she removes her shoes; followed by her tight jeans and then her t-shirt; leaving her in just a bra and underwear. I watch her as she reaches behind her back to unhook her bra but she can't get it to unhook and I can see the frustration in her green eyes. I hook my feet around her slim thighs and pull her towards me so I can slide my long fingers behind her back and with a quick flip of my thumb her bra comes unclasped. Her cheeks blaze with color and her smile is full of embarrassment.

"Thank you…" She whispers shyly.

I don't say anything to her I just pull her closer and kiss her as I take her bra the rest of the way off. As I kiss her I run my fingers through her hair so it is no longer braided before sliding my hands down her body to remove her underwear. I hold her waist to steady her as she steps out of her underwear and as soon as I see her kick them off her leg I pull her onto my chest as I lay down on the mattress. She keeps her legs strait and her hands are on my face as she kisses me sweetly. There isn't enough of her body wrapped around me so I reach my long arms down and grip her thighs in my hands. I pull her legs apart as I lift her up and place her thighs around my hips where I press my groin against her wet center. Her loud moan breaks our kiss.

"Touch me Clary…" I moan as I kiss her neck.

Her hands begin to run over my body as I continue to kiss her throat. I pull her mouth back to mine and kiss her deeply. As we kiss she begins to roll her hips; I shift my hips under hers so that the length of my shaft is lined up perfectly with her wet center. I groan at the sensation of her wet skin against my aching shaft. I want to be inside of her so bad it almost hurts. As much as I want to slide into her tight center I don't want to rush her; her body needs to be ready before she can take me inside of her. I allow her to continue her grinding against the length of my shaft as we kiss with hungry passion. I am so lost in her kiss and the feeling of her body against mine that I gasp when I feel her tight center slide over the length of my shaft. FUCK she feels so good…I can't be inside of her without a condom…just because I am in love with this girl doesn't mean I am ready to be called daddy.

"Clary stop…"

"Why." Her moan sounds so amazing in my ears that I almost forget why I stopped her to begin with but when she pushes her hips down further and I am completely inside of her I quickly remember.

"We need…oh fuck that feels good…Clary please stop…we need to use a condom…baby please…"

"I'm on birth control Jace…I get the shot every three months."

Thank fucking god for that! It feels so amazing having her skin against my skin I don't think I could go back to using a condom. I pull her mouth to mine and start to move my hips feeling her amazing body. She matches my movements within a couple of strokes and I am completely lost inside of her. Her body fits mine perfectly; I fit perfectly inside of her because I made her. She is completely mine and I will do everything in my power to make sure that she never leaves me again. She breaks our kiss and lifts her chest off of mine. Placing her hands on my chest she begins to roll her hips faster against mine and her moans grow louder as she nears her release. I am in awe of this beautiful girl as she glides her body against mine. I am so wrapped up in watching her that I realize I am no longer moving my hips; she is doing all the work to reach her climax and it's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Her body begins to shake violently as she reaches her peak and she collapses on my chest as she continues to moan. I wrap my arm around her and shift our bodies so that she is now underneath me. I kiss a slow path from her ear all the way to her mouth where I bite her bottom lip gently before I kiss her sweet mouth as I begin to rock into her with long slow strokes. I stroke almost completely out of her before sliding my length back into her slowly and I continue my slow stroking until she whimpers into my mouth wanting her release again. She breaks our kiss as she digs her fingers into my lower back.

"Please Jace…"

"Faster baby?"

"Please…"

"Tell me Clary…tell me you want me to go faster…"

"Faster…oh please faster Jace…"

I consume her mouth with my own as I begin to increase my pace a little at a time and when I get to a steady pace she groans in my mouth as her thighs tighten around my hips.

"Cum for me Clary…"

I continue to rock into her at a steady pace and within moments she is moaning loudly and repeating my name as she finds her release once more. I keep my steady pace as I get closer to my own release and pick up more speed right before I spill my warmth into her body with a few loud moans of my own before I collapse onto her chest. Once I regain control over my heavy breathing I slide out of her and roll over onto my back; we both just lay there on my bed in a sated state for a few minutes. I feel my eyelids grow heavy but before I allow them to close; her voice wakes me from my near sleeping state.

"Would it be alright if I used your bathroom Jace."

I roll over and slide my hand across her tiny waist as I plant small kisses over her shoulder.

"You are welcome to anything of mine; you don't have to ask to use the bathroom."

She slides her hand over mine on her stomach and laces her fingers in mine before she slides off the edge of the bed; only to release my hand. She takes a step towards the open door of my bathroom and freezes in place; a small whimper escapes her mouth.

"What's wrong Clary? Are you sore?"

"I-I…I'm leaking…" She whispers.

I sit up and turn on my lamp (Alec must have replaced my broken one while I was gone.) to see her standing with her legs apart as she looks down. It takes everything in me not to laugh at the site of my fluids running down her pale thighs; the look on her face tells me I will get slapped for laughing. I stand up and grab my t-shirt off the floor and before she can protest; I use my shirt to wipe my juices from her legs. I see color blaze on her cheeks and she deliberately hides her green eyes from me. I lift her chin and kiss her lips softly before looking into her eyes.

"All better now?" I whisper softly.

"Sorry Jace…"

"For what baby?"

"I guess I didn't realize that would happen; I guess there are lots of things that I don't know about."

"Mmm…yes lots of things indeed…I plan on teaching you so many things baby…"

"What's with the baby thing?"

"You don't want me to call you that? I can stop."

"No…no, I think I like it."

"Kiss me baby…"

"I still need to use the bathroom if that's okay with you?"

"Nope, you're not allowed to use my bathroom now."

"Why? You said I could."

"That's right I did say that but I also said you don't need my permission."

I laugh when she rolls her eyes at me and turns away to go into the bathroom where she shuts it with force. I am lying across the bed replaying our blissful moment when she steps out of the bathroom. She doesn't look at me even though I have my arms stretched out; beckoning her to come to bed with me. She begins to pick up her clothes from the floor and as she pulls her underwear up her thighs my panic begins to set in.

"Please don't leave me Clary…" I can't keep the fear out of my voice as I slide off the bed with the intentions of tackling her to the floor to keep her from leaving my room. She gets to me before I can get to her; she places her small hand on my cheek and looks at me with a look of sadness in her eyes.

"I wasn't going to leave you Jace; I was just going to go to my room to get something to sleep in."

I keep her hand in mine as walk over to my dresser and pull out one of my t-shirts and hold it out to her.

"What's this?"

"One of my shirts; you can wear it for sleeping. As tiny as you are; it will be like a nightgown on you."

She doesn't take my shirt from my hand; instead she steps closer to me and raises her arms in the air.

"Help me?" She questions shyly.

I smile widely at her before I slide my shirt over her body. I don't give her the chance to turn away from me; I wrap my arms around her and lift her to my body. She slides her arms around my shoulder as I pull her thighs up and around my hips where she locks her feet together behind my back. I consume her mouth with mine as I carry her towards my bed. Our kissing continues to go on as I pull my blanket back before climbing into bed. I have this tiny red head pinned underneath my body as I pull the covers over our bodies; I break our intense kiss to bury my face into her hair and squeeze our bodies tighter together.

"Are you going to tie me up next?"

At her strange yet intriguing question I pull my face out of her hair to look into her smiling face.

"Do you want me to tie you up? Seduction is heavy in my voice.

"No!"

Her soft chuckle and her pink cheeks have me confused.

"Then why did you ask me that?"

"I just meant that you seem to think if you don't keep me restrained that I might bolt from your room."

I slide off of her body and lay next to her on the bed on my side so I can face her; my body instantly feels empty and cold now that I am no longer touching her. It takes everything in me to keep my hands to myself.

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

She rolls over and places her hand on my cheek. Her gentle touch instantly warms my cold body and I no longer feel empty. Her hand is like a magnet to my lips; my mouth turns into her palm without me even thinking of my actions.

"I'm the one who should be sorry Jace; I hate that you are afraid that I will leave you. I have no intentions of ever leaving you again."

"You promise?" I can't keep the uncertainty out of my voice.

"I love you Jace…and in some bizarre twist of fate you love me too; I promise that as long as you want me around I will be here."

"What do you mean some bizarre twist of fate?"

"Jace Wayland doesn't fall in love with girls. Jace Wayland floats through life having casual sex with random girls for the simple act of fulfillment of desire."

"Sounds like you are just as afraid of me leaving you as I am of you leaving me."

"I don't want to feel like this but yes that's the way I feel. I feel like I am in a dream when I am with you like this. Like if I wake up you will disappear and my dream will only be just that; a dream."

"Then let's never wake-up Clary because I can't stand the thought of going a single day without you ever again. I want you Clary; no one else but you. I love you…"

"I need to ask you something Jace but I'm afraid of making you angry."

"Don't be afraid Clary…you can ask me anything."

"Did you trash your bedroom because I made you mad?"

"No…" I whisper.

"Then why did you do it?"

"How did you know I trashed my room? Did Alec tell you?"

"Don't be mad at Alec. He didn't say a word to me; I walked past your room and saw him sweeping up the broken glass. When he saw me standing in your doorway he told me to get away and to forget what I saw."

"I'm going to kill him!"

"No! Why?"

"He had no right to talk to you like that."

"He wasn't rude about it Jace; he sounded so sad when he said those things to me. When he looked at me I could see he was scared and confused by the state of your room."

"He felt what I was feeling."

"You mean because you cut your hand open?"

"That too but what I meant was he can feel my emotions; not all parabitai's can feel each other like Alec and I can. I know what that must have felt like to him; it must have tortured him because even I couldn't figure out my feelings at the time."

"So why did you trash your room if you weren't angry with me?"

"The biggest reason; the most important reason I did it was because I was angry. I was pissed at myself for hurting you but that is what makes me the asshole that I am; when someone hurts me; my first reaction is to hurt them back. To hurt them worse than they hurt me but I never meant to hurt you Clary; I am so sorry for hurting you."

"I didn't mean to hurt you Jace. I was just so confused by my emotions that when you asked me if I regretted what we had done I was only trying to be honest with you."

"I know that baby; I know now that you were scared and confused and it did hurt but at least you were being honest about your feelings. I was just being an asshole; I lied to you, I lied to you so that I could hurt you. Being Jace The Asshole is my biggest form of self-preservation; it's how I protect myself from being hurt, how I keep people at a distance that feels comfortable to me. I don't want to be Jace The Asshole anymore Clary; at least not when it comes to you. I want to be good for you. I don't ever want to do anything to you to cause you pain. I understand that I have a shady past and that I have a long list of ex-lovers but that's what they are ex's; none of them ever meant anything to me. You are everything to me Clary; before you I never even knew I wanted more than just an occasional fuck in a filthy bathroom. I don't want that life anymore; I want you. I need to feel this way every day; the way I feel when I am with you. One brush of your soft lips feels more powerful than anything I have ever felt before. If you took every single act of sex that I have ever had and jammed them all into one moment it still wouldn't hold a match to what I feel with you. Do you know why? It's because I love you Clary; when you love someone every single thing feels like more. I will always want that more."

"I don't even know how to respond to that; I feel like anything I could say to what you just said would never be enough to tell you how I feel. All I can say is that I love you. I love you and I will always want more too."

"I promise that I will try my best to not smother you; to try to calm my anxiety about you leaving me. The truth is I don't think you have any idea how lucky I am that you love me. I don't ever want to do anything to fuck that up; I want to show you that I am deserving of your love, deserving of your trust, deserving of your friendship, deserving of being honored to have a special place in your heart just for me."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"I know that you didn't tell Alec what happened between us because he was so upset when you left but did you talk to her about us?"

"Her? You mean Emma?"

"Yes, her."

"First of all I am so sorry if you got the wrong impression about Em and I but you really need you to understand how important she is to me. Emma is my friend yet so much more than that somehow; it's as though she is somehow the female version of me. Emma will always be a big part of my life and I would love for you to get to know her. She is an amazing person and she is in no way and never will be a threat to you Clary. The way you say "her" and the way you say her name sounds like a curse word when it comes out of your mouth. Please don't have ill feelings for her; I love her and I don't think I can tolerate you speaking badly about her."

"I'm sorry…"

Turning onto my back I pull her to my side and kiss her hair to soothe away the sting of my words.

"I'm sorry if I upset you Clary but please don't feel hatred or jealousy toward Em. She is no threat to you; I promise. I think if you spent some time with her you would really like her. Like I said she is the female version of me; if you love me then you will love her too."

"I would like to get to know her; if she is an important part of your life then I want to know her."

"Thank you baby. I will get in touch with her and see when we can all get together. I can't tell you how nice it will be to spend time with my two favorite girls in the same room."

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Did you talk to Emma about us?"

"Yes. How does that make you feel?"

"I'm not sure how I feel about it to be honest with you. Why were you able to talk to her and not Alec? What exactly did you tell her about us?"

"As far as Alec goes; I realize that the only reason why I refused to talk to him about us was I was afraid of his judgment. I know him as well as I know myself and I know that he would have been so disappointed in me for the entire situation and I just couldn't handle that. I think the reason why I was able to talk to Em was because she has never once passed judgment for anything I have done or said; now that doesn't mean she doesn't bitch me out for being wrong when I am in fact wrong but there is a difference between being judgmental and calling someone out when they are in the wrong. That is the difference between Alec and Emma. I pretty much told Em everything."

"Everything!"

"Easy Clary…not the details…not the private, intimate details…I did tell her that you were a virgin but other than that we mostly talked about what happened after you and I were together and how I felt about everything. I would never disrespect you by telling anyone those private details."

"I'm sorry that I got exited like that; all I could think about was you telling her how I was a clueless virgin that doesn't know how to touch you or how embarrassingly loud I was or…sorry I am rambling like that. I guess it would be pretty ridiculous to tell anyone details like that; I mean who does that right?"

"Lots of people talk about sex. Girls tell their friends about how big or small a guy's penis is and make fun of guys that can't keep it up or the ones that cum too fast. Dudes are just as guilty; the only difference when it comes to what guys say to each other and what girls say to each other is ninety percent of what guys say is absolute bullshit. Guys lie about sex. They lie about how much sex they are having and they over exaggerate everything."

"Why would guys lie?"

"Because guys are too proud to admit that maybe they aren't as good at sex as they like to say they are. Mostly, we as dudes are all a bunch of insecure assholes."

"Are you insecure?"

"You bet your ass I'm insecure."

"Why? You're so…good at it."

I can't stop the laughter that comes out of my mouth at the way she emphasized the word good. I pull her close and kiss her head as I continue to chuckle.

"You and I have a very intense physical chemistry together and we love each other. So far, I have been as you say "good at it" but there are still many things that we haven't done for me to be insecure about."

"Many things! How many things? What kind of things?"

"No way! I will not start ticking off that list to your sweet innocent ears. Eventually I will have you fully corrupted but for now I think it's best to just take one thing at a time. Fuck there are things that I have done that I don't think I could ever do with you."

"Really like what?!"

"There is way too much excitement in your voice right now Clary. Forget it; I won't even tell you those things. Maybe someday I will but not for a long, long time."

"Oh, okay." She whines and I do my best to keep my chest from shaking with silent laughter but it's no use; she can feel it and after she pokes my rib with her tiny finger even she can't contain her giggles. Our laughter trickles off and we lay there in comfortable silence until I decide to ask her a question.

"Can I ask you a question Clary?"

"Sure."

"When did you get on birth control?"

"About a week after I got here; so, six months ago. Why?"

"Why indeed Clary? Am I the reason why you went on birth control?"

"Uh…sort of."

"What do you means sort of?"

"Okay the day I came to the institute I had really bad cramps; they were so bad that I laid in bed for that whole first day. You see coming here was very stressful for me and when I am stressed I get severe cramps. Izzy told me that if I went on birth control that it would help my cramps so I figured that it probably wasn't a terrible idea for me to have protection against pregnancy in the first place; so it would be worth a shot to see if would help my cramps. The way my hormones would go crazy when I looked at you made me think being on birth control was probably a good idea as well."

"Okay."

"That's it? Just okay?"

"I don't really know what else to say. I mean yeah that's cool if it helps with your female issues and I think it's smart for a girl to make sure she is protected but…"

"But what?"

"It is a little weird if I was part of your reasoning to be honest with you."

Oh shit I just fucked up by saying that; she tries to pull away from me and I end up climbing on top of her and pinning her down. Her green eyes are full of shame when I look down at her and I kiss her hard on the mouth to try to make that look go away before I stop kissing her and look at her again.

"I'm sorry baby…please don't be ashamed. I guess the only reason why I said that is because I am still trying to figure out why someone as good as you would want anything to do with me; especially that early on. I know my sister and I know for a fact she probably pulled you aside and told you to stay the hell away from me. I can only imagine some of the things she must have told you."

"You're right about that Jace; Izzy did tell me to stay away from you and she did tell me quite a few things but it didn't matter I still wanted you."

I kiss her soft lips for a moment before rolling off of her and lay on my back again; pulling her to my side once again.

"Do I dare ask you what kind of things Izzy told you about me?"

"Probably nothing like you might be thinking."

"Tell me what she told you. You don't have to worry about me saying anything to her; I promise you I won't."

"She told me that I seemed like a really nice girl and she said she saw the way I looked at you; she told me I seemed like the type of girl who was looking for that perfect boyfriend and she informed me that you were never going to be that perfect boyfriend. She said you don't do relationships and she said that you have been through your fair share of one night stands with numerous girls."

"Wow."

"Please don't be mad at Izzy."

"How could I be mad at her? Everything she told you was true. I guess I am just surprised that she was so observant about my life style. I guess you could say I have always been pretty private about the girls I fucked but apparently nothing gets past my nosey sister. Izzy can be such a bitch sometimes; don't take that the wrong way, she's my sister and I love her dearly but she lives to bust my balls about pretty much everything. I guess I am surprised that she never once mentioned my sex life. It's not like I ever felt ashamed about what I was doing or anything; it's just keeping that shit private meant Izzy wouldn't have yet another thing to torment me about and I wouldn't have to deal with Alec scowling at me all the time."

"Alec seems to judge you a lot."

"He does but the thing is about Alec is he means well. He only wants what's best for me and doesn't want me to get into trouble or getting hurt. His intentions are heartfelt it's his delivery that sucks."

"He loves you."

"I know…I love him too." I yawn loudly and my eyes grow heavy.

"Are you tired?"

"Yeah…I couldn't tell you when the last time was that I got a full night of sleep. Getting drunk and passing out doesn't compare to a goodnights sleep. I have a feeling I will sleep like the dead tonight though."

"Really why?"

"Because I have you. Since that night you came into my room I have slept like shit. I slept like shit because I wanted you and I couldn't have you."

"I felt the same way. After you left it got so much worse; it seemed like all I did was sleep all the time but I never really felt like I got any sleep at all."

"Do you want to hear something interesting Clary? Something you probably didn't know about me?"

"What's that?"

"Pretty much by the end of your first month here I have dreamed about you almost every night. Those green eyes of yours were in my dreams almost every night and I thought about you constantly during the day. Every time I saw you I felt my pulse quicken. I realize that you and I never really got to spend much one on one time with each other but any time I was near you my eyes were glued on you. I watched everything you did and I listened to everything you said. I watched and listened so closely that I knew what you were going to say before you even said it sometimes; I knew what kind of facial expressions you were going to make at certain times. I know it sound crazy but I feel like I know you so well."

"What do you mean you knew what kind of facial expressions I was going to make?"

"Well, for example every time you take a bite out of your coconut pancakes from Taki's you close your eyes on that very first bite and you chew that very first bite so slowly so you can savor the taste of it. I have watched you do that so many times that I knew exactly how you would look when you took that first bite. Every time you have to jump from the second to the last rope to the last rope in the obstacle course you wrinkle your nose and scrunch your eyebrows together; every time, every single time. Or how when you have your sketch pad on your lap and you are trying to think of something to draw; you always tilt your head up and to the left and you always have your right eye crinkled shut. I could go on all night like this Clary."

"I don't think you're crazy; I feel like I know you too. I watch everything you do and I hear everything you say. I never have trouble trying to figure out what to draw in my sketch pad; only how I want to draw. You are what I draw all the time; I only ever have to take time to think about how I want to draw you. Do I want to draw you sleeping under a tree at the park? Do I want to draw you throwing knives at a target in the training room? Do I want to draw you standing in the doorway of the institute dripping wet because you were out for a run when it started to unexpectedly rain? All I think about is you; all I dream about is you."

"I hope you're not angry with me for this; but I looked at some of your drawing of me when I was in your room and they're wonderful Clary. You have such an amazing talent for art; I am in awe of you."

"I'm not angry at you for looking at my drawings; maybe a little embarrassed because now you know just how infatuated I am with you."

"Oh baby if you could only see inside of my mind; you would see just how infatuated I am with you."

"In awe of me huh? Who would have thought someone like you would be in awe of someone like me?"

"And why not? Clary you are a terrific person. You have excelled in your education and once you got comfortable with your own body you are making amazing strides in your training. You have the sweetest disposition and you care so much for other people to the point of putting your own needs on the back burner for the sake of someone else's needs. You are so damned funny; I don't think you know how much you make me laugh. Before you came along; I don't remember laughing as much as I do when I am around you. Your artistic talent is stunning…should I go on? I could go on and on about how amazing I think you really are."

"Huh? What? Oh, I'm sorry I must have dozed off at your drivel. What were you saying now?"

I laugh and pull her on top of my body before pulling her in for a long kiss. She nuzzles her face into my shoulder and within a few minutes her breathing becomes steady as she falls asleep on my chest. I can't imagine having a better feeling than I do right now. I love this beautiful girl and she loves me and up until a few hours ago I would have never really understood how that makes me feel. I never want this wonderful feeling to go away. I will do everything in my power to keep this feeling. I will do everything in my power to show this girl how much I love her and prove to her that Mr. Jace Wayland, Mr. no-strings attached, Mr. Jace the Asshole; is deserving of her love. Deserving of having a special place in her beautiful heart.

AUTHORS NOTE:

THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS CHAPTER. IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO ME TO HEAR A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM ALL YOU LOVELY READERS; YOU ARE ALL SO QUITE AND I AM WORRIED THAT YOU ARE AFRAID TO TALK TO ME. PLEASE DON'T BE AFRAID…I'M HERE AND I READ ANY REVIEWS/QUESTIONS/COMMENTS THAT YOU HAVE…I ALSO DO MY BEST TO RESPOND. HAVE A GREAT DAY….LOVE…N….


	6. Chapter 6

….JUST A QUICK THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS REVIEWED AND COMMENTED ON THE LAST CHAPTER…IT MEANS SOOOOO MUCH TO ME AND TO SAY THANK YOU I HAVE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU THIS NEXT CHAPTER ALMOST A FULL WEEK IN ADVANCE…..

MUSIC LIST FOR THIS CHAPTER.

Put The Gun Down-ZZ Ward

First-Cold War Kids

Closer-Kings Of Leon

Bleeding Out-Imagine Dragons

Make It Rain(from SOA)-Ed Sheeran

Famous Last Words-My Chemical Romance

Before I Ever Met You-Banks

Dead Love Song-New Medicine

Closer-Nick Jonas(feat. Mike Posner)

All Or Nothing-Theory Of A Deadman

Black Beauty-Lana Del Rey

Strange Birds-Birdy

"UN-FUCKING BELIEVABLE!"

Alec's loud voice jolts me awake and I sit up in my bed and stare at him in confusion. Out of the corner of my eye I see Clary pull the blankets over her head.

"What's wrong Alec?"

"I fucking knew it! I knew she was reason why you were so fucked in the head. I mean I didn't really know for sure; I had no proof but the way the two of you were acting and then you up and leave and then she goes bat shit crazy. So now what? Are you going to burn down the fucking institute now Jace? And how about you Clary? I know you are there so you might as well quit hiding under the blanket. What are you going to do this time Clary? Are you going to lock yourself in the bathroom and fucking slit your wrists or swallow a bottle of pills? I got fucking news for…"

"That's enough Alec!"

Not giving a shit about the fact that I am naked; I jump out of bed and shove him hard in the chest.

"Who do you think are coming into my room and screaming like that? Say what you want to me Alec but how fucking dare you speak to her that way. Get the fuck out of my room!"

"Don't let her do this to you again Jace."

"Mind your own fucking business Alec!"

I have my hands fisted into his shirt and I am trying to push him out of my room but he has his feet and arms braced against the door frame.

"You are my business! Everything you do affects me! Jace I…" Alec's voice is high pitched and his eyes are full of panic as I continue to push him.

"Hey! Stop it! Both of you stop it right now! What on earth is going on?"

I drop my hands from Alec and cover my naked front when Izzy begins to shove Alec into my room after her words broke up our fight. I glance over my shoulder to see Clary sitting up in my bed and she is wringing her fingers as she looks at the three of us. I can't catch her eye to see her reaction to mine and Alec's fight.

"Can you both get out of my room?" I attempt to ask nicely.

"What is the problem here?" Izzy asks as she steps further into my room; her eyes landing on Clary.

"Oh my god! Clary? What are you doing in here? Did you sleep with Jace? Didn't you even listen to anything I told you about him?"

What the fuck is going on here? Alec is being completely ridiculous and Izzy sounds like a brokenhearted mother hen. I have my hands covering my private parts even though I shouldn't have to; this is exactly why I don't let people in my room in the first place. Right now I feel so uncomfortable and I shouldn't have to feel this way in my own god damned room. I glace at Clary again; only to see her with her small hands covering her face as her whole body shakes. Fuck! Now she is crying and now I am even more pissed than I already was.

"Get. Out. Of. My. Room!" My tone is final as I look at my siblings. I boldly place my hands on my hips knowing that exposing myself will at least get Izzy out of here. She screams at the sight of my naked body and begins to drag Alec out of the room with her. I slam my door the moment Alec steps into the hall and quickly turn the lock before going over to check on Clary. I crawl on to the bed and pull her against my chest where she continues to hide her face in her hands.

"I'm so sorry baby; are you okay?"

"No." She mumbles behind her hands.

"Talk to me. Tell me how you are feeling."

"Alec hates me!" She wails.

"No he doesn't. Why on earth would you think that he hated you?"

"You heard what he said. He said I was the reason why your head was messed up. It's all my fault Jace. The pain and confusion I caused you made you leave; made you shut him out but if it wasn't bad enough that I did that to you; I did the same thing to him because he feels everything you feel. He hates what I have done to you; what he thinks I will do to you again."

"Please don't cry baby…let me talk to him; to explain things to him. He will see things for how they really are and I promise you that he will be groveling at your feet for forgiveness. I promise you that he doesn't hate you; he is just so damned protective of me that he can be a little overbearing at times but that doesn't mean he hates you Clary."

"I don't want him to grovel at my feet. I know that he is only worried about you. He loves you and he doesn't want to see you hurt."

"I know that; but he shouldn't have reacted like that. He should have handled it differently than he did because he does love me; I don't think he understands how much he just hurt me by acting that way right now."

"The look on Izzy's face broke my heart. I know that she told me that I should stay away from you but I didn't realize how important it was to her that I keep my distance from you."

Fuck! I can hear doubt and regret in her voice. I can hear the words in my head that I spoke last night about not wanting to wake up from our dream; why did we have to wake up? Between Alec's hateful words and Izzy's heartbroken voice; Clary will leave me again. Fuck! My body begins to shake with fear and there is a lump in my throat that feels like I might choke on.

"Please don't." I plead with her.

She lifts her head and looks at me for what feels like days as she remains silent. I am so pathetic, I want to get down on my knees and beg her not to leave me. Thoughts of dragging her out of this institute and running away to some place that no one could ever find us come into my head. To run away and find our own little dreamland where we never have to wake up from. She places her hand on my cheek; once again my lips are magnetic to her skin and I turn my mouth into her palm and kiss it softly.

"Jace…I love you…but right now I think maybe we should…"

"No! No! No! Fuck them Clary! Please don't let them do this to you; to us. I love you. I love you so fucking much."

I don't give her the chance to talk; my mouth crashes hard into her lips as I press her into my mattress. When my tongue forces its way into her mouth I can taste blood and her lips begin to quiver underneath mine. She sobs loudly into my mouth and I pull back to hold her face between my hands. Her top lip is cracked and bleeding and her green eyes look so sad.

"I'm sorry. Why can't you see how much I need you Clary? You said you loved me and I love you so why does it matter what the rest of the world thinks?"

"Not the rest of the world Jace; they are your brother and sister. They have been in your life for almost eight years and I have only been in your life for what? One night? Two weeks? Six months? No time at all compared to them. You shouldn't say something so cold like "fuck them" because they love you; they have loved you for almost half of your life. They know you; I think maybe I know you but how could I? How could I think that I know you better than they do?"

"Because you do that's why. When I am with you I am the real me; they don't know the real me. I love them and they know the memories of half of my life but they have no clue who I really am. The Jace they know is a ghost compared to the Jace you know. Guess what though Clary; you make me want to be the real Jace with everyone from here on out. Because the Jace I am with you has emotions and feelings; I don't feel numb anymore. Before you I didn't even realize how numb I even felt. Izzy and Alec could have been having complete meltdowns over something and I just didn't feel anything; I should have at least been able to feel compassion for their suffering but I never did. All the girls; fuck so many damn girls. I realize now that I fucked so many girls because I was trying to feel something. I wanted the next girl to make me feel something that the last one didn't and the next one after that but I could never feel that something. With you Clary; I feel everything. I'm not talking about orgasm's here either; just being in the same room with you makes me feel more alive than I have ever felt before. All the numbness is gone when I am with you."

"So where do we go from here then? How can we make them understand how much we love each other? How can we make them understand how much we need each other; how important we are to each other?"

"We show them; every day we show them that what we have isn't wrong or harmful in any way. We are going to all sit down and talk about this but I think only time will make them understand. Alec doesn't want me to get hurt and Izzy doesn't want you to get hurt. We just need to show them how good we can be together. We need to show them our love can only be a good thing and never a bad thing."

"Should we go talk to them now then? I'd like to take a shower first."

"Let them stew for a while. Come take a shower with me and then I will take you for breakfast."

She smiles sweetly as I take her hand; pulling her off the bed. Her warm hand remains in mine as we enter the bathroom and I release her when I shut the door. I am leaning over the sink as I brush my teeth and she is standing next to me looking around my bathroom. She begins to wring her fingers and I know instantly she is nervous about something. I spit my toothpaste out and wipe my mouth with a towel before wrapping my arms around her waist.

"Will you look at me please?" I whisper softly and she stops looking at the stack of folded towels and meets my eyes with hers. She continues to wring her fingers even though I have her hands pressed between our bodies.

"What's wrong baby?"

"I don't think I can take a shower with you. I think maybe I should just go to my room to get a shower; my clothes are in there anyway."

"Why don't you want to take a shower with me? I have seen you naked so what's the big deal?"

"I know but…that's different and it was only twice not to mention it was darker…it's so bright in here…maybe with more time I could be comfortable enough to take a shower with you but I just don't think I can right now."

"You have a beautiful body; you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself."

"I-I'm not ashamed of myself I guess I just don't have the kind of confidence that you have. You seem to be just as comfortable naked as you do when you are fully clothed; more even. To be honest even when I am fully dressed I feel uncomfortable sometimes. When I look at girls like Izzy I think to myself; why can't I have curvy hips like that? Why can't I have a chest size that doesn't look like it belongs to a twelve year old? Why can't I have…"

I cover her mouth with my hand to stop her from talking anymore.

"Stop that. You're beautiful Clary. Let me ask you something; do you ever really take the time to look at your body?"

"Not really."

"Guess what Clary; I have. Let me tell you; I could look at your naked body all day. You say your hips aren't curvy but guess what they are. You say your chest is the size of a twelve year old's but guess what it's not. Are you super tiny? Yes, yes you certainly are but trust me when I tell you that I think you're beautiful; your skin alone is the most beautiful skin I have ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on. I love you; and I love your body."

"Okay…how do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Walk around completely naked without feeling uncomfortable?"

"I just do I guess. In here; in the privacy of my room I tend to be naked most of the time. That's probably one of the reasons why I usually don't let anyone in here. Not that I am uncomfortable with my body but if say Alec was just hanging out in here watching a movie I don't think he would appreciate me laying around naked. I guess part of the reason why I prefer to be naked is because as shadowhunter's it seems as though we always have so many damn layers on. Under gear, outer gear, all those weapons; I guess it feels heavy and constricting to me all the time. When I'm naked I feel light as a feather. The other part of why I am so comfortable with my body is because I work hard in the training room; even on days that we don't have the train I try to do something physical. All that hard work is for demon slaying but the bonus to all the work is having a nice body."

"When do I start to look like you? I have been training for six months now and I can't really see any difference in my body; I can feel the difference. I feel stronger and I usually have plenty of energy but I can't really see the difference."

"Dear god! I hope you never end up looking like me Clary. I admit that I am nice to look at but I would much rather you look like the beautiful girl you are then to look like me." I chuckle.

"You know what I mean Jace."

"Do me a favor Clary. Since you don't want to take a shower with me; go ahead and go to your room and get one. When you get out of the shower; I want you to stand in front of your mirror and really look at your body. Trust me; your body looks completely different now than it did six months ago. I realize that six months ago I didn't have the pleasure of seeing you naked but being around you for the past six months; trust me when I tell you that your body has in fact changed."

"Okay, I guess I can do that."

"Enjoy your shower."

"Should I come back here when I'm done?"

"Yeah, that would be fine or we can just meet up downstairs if you want since we are going to breakfast."

"I don't want to go down there by myself. What if they are down there?"

"Fuck, you're right. Tell you what, just stay in your room when you are done with your shower and I will come get you okay."

"Thank you."

I pull her in for a hug and kiss the top of her head before she leaves my bathroom. After my shower; I quickly shave my face and get dressed before going to get Clary from her room. I knock lightly on her door and when she doesn't answer I turn the handle and slowly open the door as I call out her name. I can hear her call out to me from her bathroom so I shut her door and flop on her bed to wait for her to finish getting ready. Twenty minutes later she opens her bathroom door and to my disappointment she steps out fully dressed. She has on a pair of jeans (my favorite ones on her) and a silky black shirt that has tiny pink flowers on it. Her hair looks different; she must have put something in it to tame her wild curls because her soft curls are still damp and fall nicely over her shoulders. Her face looks different; well not her face exactly but her eyes. She is wearing eyeliner and mascara which make her green eyes shine bright and look larger somehow.

"You look beautiful."

"Thank you."

"I especially like those particular jean on you."

"There just jeans."

"Mmm…yet you seem to wear them so well baby."

"Are you flirting with me Jace?"

"No; just making an observation."

"Uh-huh."

"Come here Clary." I purr.

"I thought we were going for breakfast. I don't know about you but I am starving for some reason."

"Oh…I know why you have such an appetite this morning; I might have a little something to do with that."

She ignores my attempt to seduce her as she applies lip gloss to her full lips in the mirror. I just chuckle when she rolls her eyes as she sees me wiggle my eyebrows at her in the reflection of her mirror.

"Decided to try a little make-up today I see."

"Just trying something different." Her tone is soft and sounds uncertain.

"You're not wearing it for me are you? Because trust me; I find you gorgeous without it."

"Should I wash it off? Does it look stupid on me?"

"No, it doesn't look stupid on you and if you wanted to put it on then why on earth would you go and wash it off?"

I can see her cheeks turn a shade of pink as she steps closer to her bed where I am lying. For a moment I think that she might join me on her bed but instead she uses her toes to pull out a pair of shoes that are under her bed. I am used to her wearing either her hunting boots or her paint splattered converse sneakers but she slide her feet into a pair of black slip on shoes; they kind of remind me of ballet slippers. They look adorable on her tiny feet.

"Are you ready to go?" She asks.

I roll off her bed and kiss her cheek as I take her small hand in mine before walking out of her bedroom. I keep her hand in mine as we walk down the hall towards the elevator. We are lucky enough to make it out of the institute without having a run in with one of my siblings. As soon as we step into Taki's; I see Kailea leaning over the counter and regret our choice for somewhere to eat immediately. Clary lets go of my hand and surprises me when she curls her fingers around my arm above my elbow. She leans her body towards me and rests her head on my arm as she looks up at me.

"Where should we sit?" She asks with a small smile on her face.

I can feel Kailea's eyes on me when I bend down to kiss Clary's forehead as I point to the small booth that we sat in yesterday. After Clary takes her seat I take mine across from her and we both begin to study our menus. I can't help the chuckle that escapes my mouth and when I look up; her green eyes look at me in curiosity.

"Something funny Jace?"

"Why do you even bother looking at the menu? We both know what you are getting."

She laughs as she rolls her eyes at me and closes her menu before folding her hands together on top of the table. I shut my own menu and place one of my hands over top of her folded hands. I wink at her and smile at her from across the table. We are still being mushy as we look into each other's eyes when none other than fucking Kailea's voice cuts into me.

"Good morning! How are you today Jace?"

"Good morning Kailea. I'm doing well; how about yourself?" The sound of disgust is heavy in my tone.

"Good; I'm good. Thank you for asking. You look like you slept well last night. Yesterday you looked tired and drained but today you look…well anyway; what can I get you today?"

I deliberately nod my head towards Clary so that Kailea will ask her what she would like. Kailea stares at me for longer than she needs too before reluctantly turning her eyes towards Clary.

"What can I get you Clary? Let me guess coconut pancakes?"

"Yes please."

"Do you want orange juice with those?"

"Actually I would really like cup of hot tea today; thank you."

Clary pulls her hands out from under my hand and begins to wring her fingers as she looks at a picture hanging on the wall.

"Jace? What would you like sweetheart?" Kailea purrs and I cringe.

"I'll have the mushroom and Swiss omelet, hash browns, wheat toast and do you have any grapefruit today?"

"I'm not certain on the grapefruit hun. If we have it I will add it to your order. Is there another fruit you would like if we don't have any grapefruit?"

"No, just the other stuff I ordered will be fine if you don't have any. I'll take a cup of coffee too."

"Just black right sweetie?"

"Yep."

I cringe again when she winks at me before leaving our table. I look across the table to see a pair of angry green eyes looking at me. I reach across the table to take Clary's hand but she yanks her hands back and hides them under the table.

"What's the matter baby?"

"Oh nothing sweetie, hun, sweetheart. Why on earth would there be anything wrong?"

"Clary…" I groan.

"Just forget about it. I don't even care." She huffs.

"Like hell you don't care! I can see how pissed you are right now. Don't be pissed at me; I wasn't doing anything wrong; she was the one saying all those things not me so don't take it out on me. It's not like I can control the words that come out of her mouth."

"I'm sorry Jace. I am just being insecure and you're right you can't stop her from flirting with you. I know that you are only nice to her to make things comfortable to be able to come in here and eat."

"Maybe I can't stop her but you can."

"Me? How can I stop her?"

"Do you think for a single second that I would sit back quietly while some guy flirted with you?"

"You don't have to worry about that because no one ever flirts with me."

"I think you just don't see it when someone flirts with you. I have attempted to flirt with you so many times over the past six months and you never noticed it."

"You mean like when you wink at me? Or when you smile at me for no reason? Or how about holding my hand a few seconds longer than necessary when you help me up off the floor in the training room? Is that the kind of flirting you are talking about? Because I noticed, I was just too awkward to do anything about it."

"I stand corrected then. Shit, here she comes again."

Kailea places my coffee and grapefruit on the table in front of me before placing Clary's tea in front of her without acknowledging her.

"Looks like we had some grapefruit after all today hun."

"Excuse me Kailea? I think you forgot my tea bag." Clary's voice is sweet and her eyes are soft as she tries to get Kailea's attention. Kailea fishes a tea bag out of her apron pocket and tosses it towards Clary; ignoring her once again. I loathe the way she is looking at me right now and the way she is treating Clary is starting to make me angry.

"So tell me Jace? Did you have time to do anything fun while you were in LA or were you too busy helping with training?"

This would be a perfect time for Clary to speak her mind about Kailea's flirting but when I glance at her she is staring at her cup of tea. Guess I will have to find a way to get this annoying waitress the hell away from me on my own; without the help of my girlfriend. Holy shit! I have a girlfriend; Clary is my girlfriend. I find myself smiling at this fact but quickly drop my smile when Kailea smiles back at me.

"I was pretty busy with the training. I'm glad I was busy the whole time because not having much idol time helped with missing my girlfriend but I did miss her and since I just got home I really want to spend time with her."

"Girlfriend? Jace Wayland doesn't have girlfriends. Maybe a flavor of the week but never a girlfriend."

"You are being so rude! Do you think your boss would be happy with the way you are disrespecting your customers?" Clary's voice is sweet as honey as she glares at Kailea.

Kailea's eyes go wide and she finally looks at Clary.

"I have no idea what you are talking about Clary. How was I being rude? I wasn't even talking to you; I was talking to Jace."

"Yes I know that. You told my boyfriend that I was his flavor of the week and frankly I find your comment to be rude and degrading. Now I'm sure you have other tables to check on so if you wouldn't mind giving the two of us some privacy; we would like to catch up on our week spent apart since we didn't have much time to talk last night; we were a little preoccupied."

I can feel Kailea's eyes on me but I refuse to look at her because I am too busy smiling like an idiot at Clary. Kailea lets out a puff of air and leaves our table. Before I even realize what I am doing; I get up from my seat and slide in beside Clary on her side of the booth and consume her mouth with mine in a long kiss. I break our kiss and tuck her hair behind her ear as I look into her eyes. Clary's tiny body is pinned between the wall and my body in this small seat but I have no intentions of taking my own seat again. I put my arm around her shoulder and rest my head on top of her red curls.

"Is that what you meant by me being able to do something about her flirting?" She whispers softly.

"That's exactly what I meant. Good job baby; I'm pretty certain that she will stop her useless flirting with me now. Nice touch at the end there when you mentioned how preoccupied we were last night."

I take my arm off of Clary's shoulder and begin to eat my grapefruit as she sips her tea. I no sooner push my empty bowl away when Kailea returns with our food. She places my food in front of me and when she puts Clary's pancakes in front of me to lean over and give Clary her breakfast; I grab the plate from her hand and put my nose up to the pancakes.

"You need to take these back Kailea. Clary only eats honey on her pancakes and these have syrup on them."

Without a word she takes the plate from my hand and disappears back towards the kitchen.

"Thank you Jace."

"You're welcome. I know she fucking did that on purpose. She knows damn well you take honey on your pancakes. She is just being a bitch."

"It's no big deal; I'm sure it won't take them long to make me new pancakes."

"Do you want some of my breakfast while you wait?"

"That's a first."

"What?"

"You never offer to share your food."

"I usually eat half of your pancakes so I think it's only right to let you have some of my food."

"Okay well in that case I think I would like to try a bite of your omelet."

I use my fork to cut into my omelet and lift it to her mouth; she gives me a strange look and shrugs her shoulders before taking the bite of food off of my fork. I smile at her and begin to eat my breakfast. I don't know why but I enjoy myself as I continue to feed Clary the occasional bite of food until Kailea returns with her pancakes. After we are done with our breakfast we sit quietly for a few minutes before I groan reluctantly and get out of the booth; pulling Clary along with me as we exit the restaurant. I can't put off talking to my siblings any longer; since the second I was woken up by Alec this morning his anger and Izzy's sadness has been eating away at me.

"We should go to the park Jace. It's such a pretty day out."

"You don't really want to go to the park. You are just trying to avoid the inevitable."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I am talking about; Alec and Isabelle. We might as well get it over with and go and talk to them."

"Okay…" She whispers.

"Promise me you won't let them upset you Clary. I am almost certain that there will be some shouting between Alec and I; so try not to get upset okay."

"I will try my best."

I sit Clary down on the couch in the family room and tell her to stay put until I come back. She is already wringing her fingers when I leave the room to find my brother and sister. I find Izzy in the training room where she practices using her whip.

"Izzy we need to talk about this morning; so would you please come down to the family room with me?"

"Jace I…"

"Wait until we are downstairs. Where is Alec?"

"In his room I think."

I leave the training room and Izzy follows silently behind me as I make my way towards Alec's bedroom. I don't bother knocking; I just barge right in to find him sitting in his chair with a book open on his lap. His blue eyes look at me in surprise and before he can protest to my entry of his room I tell him to come downstairs with Izzy and I. He walks beside Izzy as they follow me to the elevator to go downstairs to the family room. Clary is still wringing her fingers when the three of us enter the living room. I gesture for my siblings to take a seat and I take Clary's hands in mine before taking a seat beside her on the couch.

"Okay, now we are all awake and fully dressed so I think we can have a calm conversation together."

I take a moment to study my parabitai for a moment; deciding to save his anger for last.

"Izzy let's start with you first. Now is the time for you to say what you need to say."

"Clary? What exactly is going on between you and Jace?"

"We are…we are together and I love him."

Izzy's eyes go wide and she looks at Clary for a moment longer before looking at me.

"Did you take her virginity Jace?"

"That's really none of your business Isabelle. You really don't have any right to ask me that question. Clary is your friend so if she wants you to know her personal business then that is up to her to tell you not me."

"I realize that it's not really my business Jace but you have to understand that I am concerned for Clary. She has been drooling over you since she got here and she is very naive about so many things; so I am only looking out for her."

"I can appreciate your concern for Clary but you make me out to be some kind of filthy monster."

"No, you have this all wrong Jace. There isn't anything wrong with how you live your life but your lifestyle isn't the kind of lifestyle for Clary. Can't you see the difference between the two of you Jace? Clary is so sweet and innocent and well…good…but you…you don't have the same kind of feelings and emotions that Clary has. You sleep with a girl a few times without a care in the world and without any kind of feelings or emotions before you drop them and move on to the next one. Don't you realize how much it will hurt Clary when you decide you are bored of her?"

I don't respond to Izzy because I can hear Clary crying next to me. I turn towards her and cup her face in my hands before kissing her tears off of her cheeks. I move my mouth to her ear and kiss her soft skin before whispering "I love you" into her ear and then I turn my eyes back onto Izzy.

"You think you know me so well don't you Izzy? This goes for you too Alec. You both think you know me so well but I am telling you both right now that you don't know me. The Jace you two know is not who I really am. My life was turned upside down when I stepped through that portal almost eight years ago. The past eight years I have been closed off and guarded every single day. I have grown to love you as though you were my own blood and I know how much the two of you love me. With Clary, I am the real me. With her I feel everything. Before her I felt nothing; I just felt numb. I know what kind of past I have and Clary is fully aware of my past but don't you see that's all it is now; it's just my past."

"It's not just your past though Jace; it's what you do and how you really are."

"No it's not Izzy." Alec speaks coldly to his sister and we all look at him. He looks at me for a moment and decides he can continue to speak when he see me make no attempt to stop him.

"Just because he used to sleep around all the time doesn't mean that's who he is as person. Remember Izzy, I can feel him and you are wrong to think that his intentions with Clary are wrong. You didn't feel what I felt when his head was fucked up because of her. I felt it, all of it and let me tell you it was fucking painful. I could feel how lost and hurt and confused he felt because of her. "

His eyes shift to me.

"Jace I am sorry about this morning; I guess I panicked when I walked in your room and saw the two of you in bed together. All I could think of was how I didn't want to go through that again; I didn't want you to go through that again. I can see how much you care for her and I can feel how calm and at peace you are right now. I'm sorry."

"Alec you don't owe me an apology I know why you were concerned but I would really appreciate it if you would tell Clary that you are sorry for the things you said to her this morning. Honesty you were really out of line with some of the things you said. I know how much your words towards her hurt me so you can only imagine how she feels right now. She thinks you hate her; please tell her you don't hate her."

Alec looks at me with understanding in his blue eyes for a moment before turning to Clary.

"Clary I truly am sorry for the things I said this morning; I didn't mean to hurt you. I promise you that I don't hate you; I just don't want you to hurt my brother again."

"I hurt her too Alec. Please don't make her out to look like the villain here because I am just as guilty as she is; if not more so."

"What exactly happened? When did you two figure this all out?" Izzy asks.

"The details about what happened aren't important to anyone but me and Clary. The only thing I can explain to you is that what happened is my fault…"

"Jace, that's not true…"

"Yes it is Clary. You don't understand because you are so good; you are so damned good Clary and I nearly ruined all your goodness. If I would have just been more patient with you when you needed your space then I wouldn't have felt the need to leave and you wouldn't have felt so alone. I'm sorry Clary. I am so damned sorry that I left you alone when you needed me the most. I promise that I will always be here for you from now on."

Clary surprises me by kissing me hard on the mouth; not caring one bit if Alec or Izzy are watching. I smile at her before turning to Izzy again to answer her second question.

"As far as when we figured this all out; the answer to that question is a little complicated. I think we have had feeling for each other for months now but two weeks ago those feelings came to the surface for the two of us. I guess we were both scared and confused. We both finally admitted how we felt yesterday."

"It's obvious that Clary loves you; she has been in love with you pretty much since the first day she got here. Do you love her Jace?"

"Yes I do Izzy."

"Do you really though? How can we…how can Clary trust that your feelings for her are because you love her and not just because you want in her pants. How do you know you aren't just mistaking how intriguing the idea of being with a virgin is with love?"

"You listen to me Iz…"

I quickly cover Clary's mouth with my hand before she can say anything she will regret to Izzy.

"I love her Izzy. I can tell you that over and over again until I am blue in the face but only time will prove to you that I do love her."

"Okay time will tell but please don't hurt her Jace. She is such a sweet girl and I can't stand the thought of you ruining her."

"And how do you know she won't ruin him Izzy? Guess what you don't know that because just like he said they both love each other and only time will prove to us that that love is real. I think we should stop talking about all of this now. Jace just got home yesterday and thank god that Clary is finally out of her room. They both seem happy so just let them be happy."

"Thank you Alec." I say to him with a smile on my face.

Alec returns my smile and gets up to leave the room; he grabs ahold of Izzy and drags her out of the room with him as he leaves. When I look at Clary her eyes are sad and she is wringing her fingers again. I grab her hands to stop her fidgeting and smile at her.

"Relax baby. Everything is fine now okay."

"I'm not so sure Izzy would agree with you Jace."

"Give her time; she will come around. I have to tell you I am almost offended by her. I mean she is my sister after all but the way she is so protective of you only makes me love her more I think."

"Do you think it would be a good idea if maybe I went and talked to her alone?"

"I can't tell you what to do Clary. If you feel like it would make you feel better to go and have a private talk with Izzy then that is up to you."

"I feel like if I don't go talk to her then our already fragile friendship might be hurt further. When you were gone she tried so hard to get me to talk to her. She kept apologizing to me for not spending enough time with me but I just pushed her away. She kept trying to get me to talk to Simon on the phone and both her and Alec kept trying to get me to go and see Simon. They know that Simon is my best friend and I know they thought that if I would at least talk to him then maybe I would stop crying and hiding in my room. I didn't want to talk to Simon. I didn't want to talk to anyone but you."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I didn't think you wanted to talk to me anymore. I figured you left because you hated me after what I had done to you in the training room. Not to mention; even if you would have answered your phone that isn't the same thing as seeing you. Everything I wanted to say to you couldn't be said over the phone; I needed to face you when I talked to you about how I felt. To be able to look you in the eyes when I made my apology to you."

"When did you decide that you wanted to talk to me?"

"The same day I attacked you in the training room; well later that night actually. It was really late; probably almost one in the morning and I didn't want to wake you up. I went to sleep with the intensions of finding you first thing the next morning but when I woke up you were already gone."

"Fuck! You should have come to my room; I wasn't even sleeping at one in the morning. Even if I were sleeping; waking up to your beautiful face would have been the best way in the world to wake up."

"I'm sorry. I did think about texting you. I figured if I sent you a text saying that I wanted to talk to you then maybe you would come back home but I just couldn't push the send button."

"Hey let's put all that behind us okay? We could sit here and play the shoulda coulda woulda game all day but let's not do that. I think we should go to the park like you wanted to earlier."

"I only wanted to go to the park so we could put off talking about everything to Alec and Izzy."

"So what do you want to do then? We should go do something fun; after all of that we could use a little bit of fun today."

"We could go for a ride in your car. You haven't even showed it to me yet."

"You haven't seen snowflake yet?"

"Snowflake?"

"That's her name. I named my car snowflake."

"Awe that is…kind of sweet actually."

"Give me time baby and I will show you that I can be so sweet you will get a toothache."

"I have a confession to make to you Jace."

"Oh and what's that?"

"I actually have seen your car."

"When?"

"About three months ago I was home alone and I was bored so I took a tour of the institute."

"Did you touch my car when you went into the garage?"

"No, I promise you I only looked at it. I looked at it and I looked at the pictures of it on the wall."

"I wouldn't have cared if you touch my car; I was only messing with you. Come along then; we will go for a car ride."

I open the car door for Clary and can't help but smile at her huge grin as she slides across the leather seat. Getting in I start the car and rev the engine and laugh loudly when I hear Clary giggle as she claps her small hands together in excitement. I hand her my IPod and tell her to pick out some music for us to listen to.

"Rise Against? Good choice Clary; I haven't listened to them for a while."

"I like this band but I don't have any of their CD's."

"Remind me to give them to you when I get home. I think I have three of their CD's in my room; I never listen to any of my CD's anymore now that I have an IPod."

"I will get Simon to make me copies of them and then I will give them right back to you."

"First of all that is illegal Clary; it's illegal to copy music like that. Second of all I don't want them back you can keep them. In fact you can take whatever CD's you want; I told you I never listen to them anymore. Shit I think I have probably two thousand CD's or better and all they are doing is collecting dust in my closet."

"Wow really? Thanks Jace."

"You're welcome baby."

We both sing along with the music as I drive out of the city; I want to get out on the open highway so Clary can really enjoy our car ride. Twenty minutes later we are sailing at close to ninety on the four lane highway. Clary has the window down and her hair is blowing across her face as she sticks her hand out the window; feeling the air on her palm as I speed down the highway. Clary pushes her hair away from her face and smiles at me; her smile is light and carefree and I can't help but return it with one of my own.

"Is that how fast we are going?"

I glace at the tack on the dash and it tells me we are going ninety-two miles an hour.

"Yep."

"Slow down right now!"

I take my foot of the gas pedal and let the speed of my car reduce to sixty-five before looking at her to see if I should slow down further.

"Please don't drive fast like that anymore. We would be killed if we wrecked at that speed."

"I'm an excellent driver Clary."

"Okay you might be a good driver but what about the other drivers? Besides it's illegal to go that fast. A half an hour ago you were scolding me for wanting to make copies of a couple of CD's. "

"Fair enough. I apologize if I scared you."

"I thought I was going to throw up when I saw how fast you were going."

"She sure does float down the highway nicely at that speed though doesn't she?"

"Yes, yes she does but she floats just as nicely at sixty-five too."

"Do you know how to drive a car Clary?"

"No, I guess I never really found the need to learn to be honest with you. We live in the city so I just walk or use the subway to get around. Simon uses his buddy's van anytime we need to go elsewhere."

"Do you want me to teach you how to drive?"

"Sure maybe someday I can get an old beater and you can take me somewhere where there is no traffic so I can learn."

"Why wait?"

"What do you mean?"

"I can teach you right now."

"In this?"

"Sure, why not?"

"No way Jace, this car is your baby and you worked so hard to restore it; you would kill me if I so much as scratched the paint let alone accidently wrecked it."

"Oh stop it, you won't wreck the car and for the record you are my baby. This is just a car and I can always get another car. The only thing I would care about if you wrecked would be you because I can't get another you."

"Okay if you're sure you won't kill me if something happens but can you maybe find like an empty parking lot or something? I don't think I feel comfortable enough to try driving with other cars around me."

"Don't worry; I know the perfect place to teach you."

A half an hour later I pull up to the end of the abandoned air strip and get out of the car. I open the passenger side and tell Clary to slide across the seat. After she adjusts the seat so she can reach the pedals she buckles her seat belt and looks at me.

"What do I do now?"

"You need to adjust the mirrors so you can see behind you and along both sides of the car…no don't move your head…keep your head still and look at the mirrors with just your eyes."

I wait as she takes the time to adjust her side mirror and wait even longer for her to adjust the rearview mirror. I adjust the passenger side mirror to where I think she will be able to see and after one minor adjustment she is able to see out of all the mirrors clearly.

"Okay now what?"

"Put your foot on the break and shift the car into drive."

"This one on the left is the brake right?"

"Yes that's right…no, don't use your left foot; you are supposed to use your right foot. You use your right foot for both the gas and the brake. You are only supposed to use your left foot if there is a clutch pedal but since this is an automatic you are only going to be using your right foot."

The car begins to move as soon as she shifts it into drive and she slams the brakes on causing the tires to chirp. She looks over at me with an apologetic smile on her face as her cheeks turn pink. I reach up and turn off the music before giving her a reassuring smile.

"It's okay baby. Remember you are going to want to keep your foot on the brake until you are ready to begin driving. So whenever you are ready take your foot off the brake and gently place your foot on the gas pedal."

She takes a moment to breathe and then she takes her foot off the brake and pushes in the gas pedal hard enough to chirp the tires once more before she slams on the brakes again.

"I'm sorry Jace. Am I hurting your car?"

"No you're not hurting the car; I promise. Relax, take a deep breath and try again but remember gently Clary."

After almost a full hour goes by I am relaxed enough to just sit back and enjoy watching her as she drives around the empty airport. I chuckle whenever she starts to go a little faster than she means too and ends up hitting the brake a little too hard but other than that she is doing a good job.

"Look at that baby; you're a natural. I think you can drive from here on out. I quite like sitting over here; I can take in the scenery much better now that I don't need to focus on driving."

"What scenery? You have been watching me the entire time."

"Exactly!"

She rolls her eyes at me and I chuckle at her.

"Am I really doing a good job driving?"

"Absolutely."

"Well I still won't be able to drive you around any time soon."

"Why not?"

"I don't have a driver's license Jace."

"So I will take you to the DMV and get you one."

"Don't I have to take a written test or something too?"

"Well nowadays you just push buttons on a computer but yes you will have to take a test. Don't worry I will get you a book and help you study. You are a smart girl and with my help you will pass the test with flying colors. I will need to show you how to park and a few other things but we are probably getting pretty low on gas and I don't know about you but I could go for something to eat."

Fifteen minutes later I begin to pump some much needed gas into my car and Clary is squirming beside me.

"Do you have to pee?"

"Yes, really badly."

"There are bathrooms inside. I figured we would wait until we get closer to home to find a place to eat so you should go pee now."

"Okay. Are you coming inside or should I just meet you back here at the car?"

"I want something to drink; I'm thirsty so I will just meet you inside."

She jumps up and kisses my cheek before she sprints towards the gas station; I can't help but laugh at her because seeing her run that fast tells me just how much she needed to use the bathroom. I pull my credit card receipt from the gas pump and go into the gas station where I find Clary in the candy isle. She yips when I place my hands on her hips.

"You scared me Jace!"

"Sorry Clary; what are you getting?"

"Just some gum but I can't find the right kind."

"What kind are you looking for?"

"Bubble gum, I thought we could have a bubble blowing contest to keep us entertained on the way back home."

I throw my head back in laughter and to my own surprise begin to help her find bubble gum; getting excited for our contest. I feel like such a little kid over my excitement for a stupid bubble blowing contest yet I couldn't be happier at the thought of how much fun it will be. Alec and I used to have bubble blowing contest all the time when we were little and it was always so much fun.

Clary and I have a good time blowing bubbles on the way back into the city. Once we get closer to a small Italian place that I have eaten at before; I find a parking spot. I am still holding Clary's hand as we enter the restaurant. The smell of the food makes my stomach growl and I hear her chuckle at the noise my stomach makes.

"You really are hungry aren't you Jace?"

"Starving."

A balding man takes us to a table for two and hands us our menus before telling us our server will be with us shortly. I end up ordering Lasagna and Clary said she was going to try the steamed clams but she chickened out at the last minute and ended up ordering the chicken parmesan; which I ended up eating half of. It's nearly eight at night when I finally back my car into the dark garage. I shut the motor off but leave the key on before I push the button that turns on the green floor lights.

"Oh aren't those pretty? I didn't even know you had them."

"I put them in a while ago; got them on sale. They were one of the easier things to put into this car. Do you like the color?"

"Yes, it's pretty."

"I painted the black stripes on the car for my sister; I paid way too much fucking money to get the blue stitching on the leather for Alec and I figured since I can't ever get your green eyes out of my head anyhow I would just embrace it to the fullest by getting the green lights for you."

"Awe that's so sweet."

I shut the lights off and put the keys in my pocket before opening my car door.

"I can't see anything Jace."

"Stay there, I'll come around and get you."

I hold her hand until we step back into the light of the hallway inside of the institute where I release her hand only to pin her against the wall.

"What are you doing Jace?"

"I haven't kissed you're sweet lips all day and I just can't wait another minute."

She giggles as I begin to kiss her but her giggles stop when I slide my tongue into her mouth. After several stops along the way to my room to kiss further we are now in my bathroom and she is watching me as I brush my teeth. With my toothbrush still in my mouth I begin to peel my clothes off until I am naked.

"I should go brush my teeth and get some jammies on." She says after she is done staring at my naked body.

"Here, you can use my toothbrush and I can give you one of my t-shirts if you want."

"Use your toothbrush? Isn't that gross?"

"We have had our tongues in each other's mouths so why would sharing a toothbrush be any different?"

Not finding a reason to argue she just shrugs and takes my toothbrush from me. She is busy brushing her teeth when I slide my hands around her tiny waist as I stand behind her. I begin to kiss he neck as I unbutton and then unzip her jeans. I have her jeans halfway down her thighs when she spins around in my arms and pulls my face to hers where she kisses my hungrily. After we make love I am lying on my back and Clary has her head on my chest. I have my fingers knotted in her sweaty hair as I rub her back and she is rubbing my stomach. I stop rubbing her back to reach over to set my alarm so we will get to the training room in time because tomorrow is Monday.

"What time is it?" Her voice sounds tired.

"Only a little after nine."

"I think I could fall asleep right now; I'm tired."

"Me too. Good night baby."

"Goodnight Jace."

Life couldn't be better than it is right now. I have the most amazing girl sleeping on my chest and for once in my life I can feel everything. This green eyed girl makes me not feel numb anymore and she makes me feel alive and so damned happy; I never want to stop feeling this way. I don't ever want to feel numb again. I will do anything to keep this feeling and to keep this girl happy. As long as I can look into her green eyes every day and see her smiling face my life will be complete.

AUTHORS NOTE…..

THANKS FOR READING AND PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO SEND ME SOME FEEDBACK. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND WORDS AND YOUR HONEST OPINIONS AND THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS STORY…PLEASE KEEP THEM COMING….OH AND SINCE I AM A HUGE MUSIC LOVER; I AM CURIOUS AS TO WHAT YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO…LET ME KNOW WHAT MAKES YOUR EARS DROOL MY LOVELY'S

WITH LOVE

~N~


	7. Chapter 7

Song List for this chapter:

Sleep-My Chemical Romance (( MCR IS PROBABLY MY FAVORITE BAND))

Little Monster-Royal Blood

Big Girls Cry-Sia

Belief-Gavin DeGraw

Feels Like Summer-Panama Wedding

The Becoming-Nine Inch Nails

You're Turning Into John Wayne-Twin Atlantic

Latch(Acoustic)-Sam Smith

Can't Stop-OneRepublic

Red Light-Jonny Lang

18 Days-Saving Abel

Do I Wanna Know?-Artic Monkeys

Raining-Art Of Dying(Feat. Adam Gontier)

2 MONTHS LATER.

"Hurry up Jace! I'm going to be late for my appointment!"

Clary and I have officially been together for two months now and the stubborn little thing still refuses to get into the shower with me. Her refusal to shower with me, in addition to a few other (I won't lie they are perverted) things I would love to do with her, are driving me insane. I tell her all the time how beautiful she is and I can't keep I my damn hands off her, even when I probably should be (the looks Clary and I get from Alec and Izzy tell me how true this fact is) yet she is still to this day very insecure about her body. I don't get it; I think she's smoking hot.

"Get into the shower with me Clary and then you won't have to worry about being late for your appointment!"

"I am going to my room to shower; I'll see you later Jace."

I pull the shower curtain aside to catch her before she exits my bathroom.

"Come here." I purr.

"No." She can't hide the smile on her face or the pink color on her cheeks seeing my naked body in the bright light of the bathroom. Seeing her blush like that makes my heart beat faster in my chest because I am able to affect her that way. I admit I have had many, many opportunities to see her naked but never in bright lighting; she's too damn shy and it's extremely frustrating.

"Don't make me come over there Clary. I just want a good morning kiss before you leave me." I say innocently (well, maybe not that innocently).

She furrows her eyebrows at me for a moment but reluctantly walks over to me and leans forward as she puckers her full lips at me. I kiss her gently, allowing my lips to linger long enough to try to tempt her into changing her mind about getting into the shower with me. When I pull back and open my eyes I can see desire burning into her green eyes and I have to bite back my laughter just in case she does change her mind.

"I will see you around lunch time. I love you." She says.

"Why exactly don't you want me to go to your appointment with you again?"

"I never said I didn't want you to go; I only assumed you wouldn't want to go."

"You, my sweet girl, assumed wrong."

"Wait so you want to go then?"

"Of course I want to go with you. Clary, you are going to the doctors and as your boyfriend it's part of my duty to go with you for support."

"Duty? Do you have some sort of relationship manual that I don't know about?"

"Well, no but I still want to go with you."

"Fine, go along if you want to. I am going to get my shower now so I will meet you downstairs."

"Thank you baby." I say sweetly.

"Un-huh…love you."

"Love you too baby even though I will be so lonely in this hot shower all by my lonesome."

She completely ignores my pathetic attempt to coax her into the shower with me and I chuckle at her as she stalks out of my bathroom in defeat. Knowing her she probably thinks I am up to no good; wanting to go to her doctor's appointment with her but I'm not. The truth is I was being honest with her when I said its part of my duty to support her. If she is going to the doctor, I want to be there with her; fuck who am I kidding? I always want to be with her. I have no idea how but I think I fall in love with her more each day we spend together. I can talk to her about anything, she makes me laugh pretty much every day, she does sweet little things for me for no reason at all, and to top it off our intense physical chemistry only seems to grow more intense each time we so much as touch each other.

Three days ago she broke the news to me that I was not allowed to be inside of her for the following seventy-two hours because she had a doctor's appointment. I laughed at her and told her that her joke was cruel but then she explained to me that it was a gynecologists appointment and then she went on to explain (in detail) as to why I couldn't not be inside of her; something about the test coming back wrong or some shit.

She then completely shot me down when I told her that oral pleasure wouldn't count; she told me I was disgusting. That girl has no idea what she is missing; I will get to taste her sweet center some day; there is only so many times she can say no and I can be very persistent (not to mention I have no problem fighting dirty) when I want to be. I was so damn close to convincing her to let me go down on her a few weeks ago but when I fucked up and told her that I'd never actually done it before when she asked me if I enjoyed doing that kind of thing; my attempt backfired and then we got into a twenty minute argument about the subject.

I kicked myself for telling her the truth but I didn't want to lie to her; I never want lie to her about anything. She asked me why I wanted so much to do something that I have never actually done before; I told her it was because I wanted to make her feel good. Granted I have never went down on any girl before but I imagine that I would be good (I'm actually very insecure about this to be honest) at it considering everything else I do to Clary she seems to enjoy. She then confirmed my thoughts by telling me that everything I do to her makes her feel good and that she didn't want a bad experience to mess things up. I used her own words against her by saying: 'Exactly Clary! You just said everything I do to you makes you feel good so why won't you let me go down on you?' The stubborn little thing then rolled her eyes at me and said: 'But what if I taste bad Jace; what if it's so terrible for you that you are completely turned off from me?' I then told her she was just being ridiculous but I ended up just dropping the subject when I saw her begin to wring her fingers because obviously the whole subject was making her uncomfortable.

I finish my shower and decide to skip shaving so I don't make her late for her appointment and head downstairs to meet her. When I get to the main floor of the institute she is nowhere to be found and I decide to just wait by the elevator for her to get downstairs. Ten minutes later, the elevator opens and out she steps with a strange smile on her face.

"What's wrong baby?"

"Jace, are you sure you want to go with me? I have been going to the same clinic for almost two years now and not once have I ever seen a guy sitting in the waiting area."

"So? Who gives a shit?"

"You might feel a little uncomfortable."

"Oh stop it Clary. You should know better by now; there isn't really anything that makes me uncomfortable. A room full of pregnant woman and sex crazed teenage girls won't faze me in the least. In fact I think it will be fun to watch them all turn green with envy."

"What are you even talking about Jace?"

"When they see me sitting there holding your hand they will all be thinking how unfair it is that their men don't take them to their gyno appointments."

I chuckle when she rolls her green eyes at me and she pulls her hand from my mine and crosses her arms in anger because I laughed at her. I stop dead in my tracks as we walk down the sidewalk towards the clinic. My voice comes out loud:

"Clarissa Adel Fairchild! I will not move from this spot until you hold my hand!"

She stomp her foot as she turns to look at me before taking the two steps back to my side where she holds her hand out towards me. I smile widely and take her tiny hand in mine and we continue down the sidewalk.

"You are such a brat sometimes."

"You love me."

"I do love you Jace but you are still a brat."

"I can see how hard it is for you not to laugh right now. You love my playful side and you know it."

She gives up her attempt to scowl as she begins to laugh and slides her tiny body against mine; wrapping her arms around my waist for a side hug just as we reach our destination. I kiss the top of her head as I return her hug before pulling the door to the clinic open. Holy fuck! There must be twenty females in here ranging from the age of fourteen all the way to the age of fifty. Clary being true to her word; there is not one single member of the male species in the room. When we step into the room I can feel twenty sets of eyes on me as I hold Clary's hand. I avert my eyes away from the gawking females and focus on Clary's red hair as she signs in on the clip board. The nurse behind the window tells her to have a seat in the waiting area and she informs Clary that the clinic is running a little behind schedule due to an emergency this morning and that we might have to wait an extra half an hour for her to see the doctor. Fuck! This should be interesting to sit in a room full of twenty gawking woman for thirty minutes.

I look at the clock on the wall for what feels like the hundredth time only to see that we have been sitting here for a measly ten minutes. Clary is busy reading some shitty gossip magazine and I am bored to death and to my own surprise slightly uncomfortable because these women have no shame at all. They are shamelessly staring at me as I sit next to Clary; some of them even whisper to each other and one woman even points right at me. What the fuck? Do they think I can't see them? Clary's warm breath on my ear makes me jump as she starts to whisper in my ear.

"Are you okay Jace? You are kind of sweating."

I turn my head to look at her and just nod, no trusting myself to keep my voice free of panic. Her eyes search my face and I give her a quick peck on the cheek to reassure her that I am fine. I hear one of the women say 'awe' when I kiss Clary's cheek and it makes me smile. That's right ladies! I get boyfriend of the year award for accompanying my girlfriend to her pap smear (whatever the hell that is). Deciding that unless I find some way to entertain myself; the next twenty minute are going to go by excruciatingly slow. There is a lady that looks to be about thirty years old and also looks like she will go into labor at any given moment by the size of her swollen belly sitting directly across from me in the small waiting area. I wait for her to look at me again (I say again because I have caught her looking at me several times already) to smile at her. She returns my smile with a shy one of her own as she rubs her belly.

"Are you having a boy or a girl ma'am?" I ask sweetly.

"A girl but she doesn't seem to want to come out and meet us anytime soon." She replies.

"What do you mean?"

"I am three days past my due date and have no signs of labor. That's why I am here; to see if my doctor wants me to go to the hospital for induction."

"Induction?"

The woman is noticeably more comfortable as we converse across the small room (I fight the urge to do something inappropriate because every other female in the room is listening to our conversation) and she lets out a small chuckle along with about five other woman's chuckles at my question.

"The doctors will give me medicine to help me go into labor so that the baby will come; it's called induction or induced labor."

"Oh…do you know what you are going to call her when she comes out?"

"Well if my husband had his way she would be called Martha after his grandmother but her name is going to be Sarah."

"Sarah is a lovely name. I take it your husband and you were able to agree on the name choice?"

"Yes we were; in fact he is very happy with my name choice because his great grandmother's name was Sarah. I actually always wanted to name my daughter Iris after my favorite flower but then again I think the name Sarah is nice too so I figured we could compromise."

"That's wonderful ma'am."

Clary continues to read about which celebrity is dating who and which one of them are in rehab again as this pregnant woman and I carry on our conversation; every other woman in the room seems to be hanging on every word of me and the pregnant woman's interaction.

"Oh please don't call me ma'am; you make me feel old. My name is Hellen."

"I sincerely apologize for making such a lovely woman as yourself feel old. I will call you Hellen from now on. It's very nice to meet you my name is Jace."

"Well it's nice to meet you too Jace. You are a very nice young man; your parents must be proud of the gentleman they have raised."

I can't help it when my smile slips from my face at the mention of my parents but I quickly recover and nod at her as I smile widely at her. I love how well Clary and I are connected because at the mention of my parents she leans over and nudges me to get my attention; she points to something random in her magazine and I pretend to study it intently; effectively ending my conversation with Hellen. A few minutes later Clary closes the magazine and tosses it on the table next to her chair before she laces her fingers into mine and slouches in her chair.

"It's been over a half an hour; I wonder how much longer we have to wait?"

I absently trace small circle onto the palm of her hand as I smile softly at her. My smile and my eyes tell her I am just as annoyed to be sitting here waiting as she is.

"I'm sure it will be anytime now baby."

She groans loudly and begins to bounce her knees up and down. I lean over and whisper softly in her ear so no one will hear my question.

"Do you have to pee?"

"Really bad." She whispers back.

"Why didn't you go before we left?"

"They always make me pee in a cup when I come here so I wanted to make sure I would be able to go but I didn't know I was going to have to wait this long."

I stand up and walk over to the glass window and the nurse jumps in her chair when I knock lightly in the glass to get her attention. I smile sweetly at her when she slides the glass open. I can hear Clary's strained whisper asking me what I am doing but I ignore her.

"Can I help you young man?"

"My apologies for interrupting you nurse. I can understand how busy the office must be today with your early morning emergency but I was hoping you would be able to help me out with something if it's not too much trouble?"

She returns my smile as she leans forward in her chair to look into my golden eyes; I have her eating out of the palm of my hand with my soft words and my peculiar colored eyes.

"And what exactly can I help you with sweetheart?"

I lower my voice and lean my head inside of her little window to keep our conversation more private.

"My girlfriend had a ten o'clock appointment and by no means am I expecting to jump line or anything but she really needs to use the restroom but is refusing to empty her bladder because she claims that the doctor needs a sample. Do you think it would be possible for her to at least deposit her sample right now before she embarrasses herself by wetting her pants? We are happy to wait as long as we are needed to in order to see the doctor but I'm sure you can be sympathetic to her situation."

"Oh my goodness the poor thing must be miserable out there. Tell her to go ahead and go on back; she will know where to go."

"How wonderful! Thank you so much; you don't know how much this means to me."

"You are welcome and you are such a sweet young man for saving her from embarrassment like that."

"Thank you."

I quickly make my way back to my squirming girlfriend and whisper in her ear what the nurse just told me. Her eyes go wide and her cheeks flush with color but she doesn't utter a single word; she only gets up and makes a mad dash for the door to use the restroom. I can feel eyes on me even more so now that Clary is gone from my side, thankfully though there are only about seven female in the room since the majority of the ladies have taken their turns to see the doctor. I wish my new friend Hellen was still sitting across from me so I had someone to talk to. I do my best to pretend not to be affected by the staring women as I wait for Clary to come back. Relief washes over me when I see her smiling face as she opens the door and then takes her seat next to me once again.

I take her hand in mine and raise the back of her hand to my mouth so I can kiss her soft skin. Her cheeks are flushed with color as I rub the back of her hand on my cheek.

"Thank you for that Jace."

"You're welcome baby. Do you feel better now?"

"So much better; you have no idea."

I chuckle softly as I continue to stroke my cheek with the back of her hand.

"You didn't shave this morning."

"I didn't want to make you late for your appointment. I will shave when I get home I promise."

"No you don't have to. I kind of like your stubble; I was only commenting that's all."

I smile at her and kiss her hand again before resting both of our hands on my thigh; she rests her head on my shoulder as we prepare to wait for her name to be called. Fifteen minutes later; Clary jolts awake when one of the nurses opens the door and calls her name. I stand up and begin to follow her but she turns around and places her small hand on my chest to stop me.

"Jace you can't come back here with me."

"Why not?

"Actually he is welcome to go in with you if you want him to Clary." The nurse adds helpfully.

"Please just wait out here for me Jace."

As much as I want to argue with her about this her pleading eyes are begging me to go sit down and wait for her until she is done seeing the doctor. Not trusting my voice to not sound pathetically disappointed; I simply kiss her cheek and return to my seat as she disappears through the door. I sigh loudly as I sink into my chair. When will that girl stop being so uncomfortable with her body around me? I just remembered that I asked her two months ago to take time to really look at herself in the mirror in the hopes that she could see how beautiful she really is but she never did tell me if she took the time to do what I asked her to. I will ask her about it when we get home later. I am going to have to make more of an effort to tell her how much I enjoy her naked body from now on. I mean I tell her how beautiful she is all the time but maybe I should be a little more specific. Maybe I need to tell her how I love the curve of her hipbone. To tell her how just the sight of her pale thighs send shivers up my spine; or how the color of her nipples reminds me of the color of a pretty pink rose. Or even…fuck I need to stop thinking about her naked body in such a public place; I can feel blood rushing to my lower body and heat rising on the back of my neck thinking about her naked body.

I decide to sing in my head to attempt to control my perverted thoughts of Clary as I wait for her to come out from seeing the doctor. Three songs later a tall (I'm talking almost six feet tall here) blond (bleached out of a box blond) girl approaches me; she is probably about fifteen or sixteen and she has an annoying giggle as she takes a seat next to me. Her eyes dart back towards her dark haired friend that is a few seats down before turning her blue eyes on me.

"Hi my name is Sammy and my friend Tara over there is making me come over here and talk to you."

"Talk to me about what?" Annoyance is heavy in my tone.

"Well she thinks you are really cute and she was wondering if things were serious between you and that red head that was sitting next to you or if maybe you guys were in a more casual relationship."

"Why does she want to know that?" I ask irritated; I think I know where this is going.

"Like I said, she thinks you're cute; I do too actually but she was wondering if maybe she could have your phone number or maybe she could give you hers."

Fuck! These stupid little girls are pissing me off. As far as the blond goes if it wasn't for her annoying voice her long legs would have at one time intrigued me. The dark haired friend of hers is probably just like some of the trashy girls I have interacted with at the club on countless occasions. You know the ones that pretend to be shy but when you finally talk to them they turn out to be fucking freaks. They want you to bend them over the sink in some dirty bathroom and slap their ass when you fuck them senseless. Yep I would have definitely at one time considered fucking both of these girls; probably even fucked one while the other on watched or maybe even joined in on the fun but I'm not that person anymore. Now I am Clary's boyfriend. Now I don't even care to look at any other girls; that little red head is all I see anymore. I love her and I can't imagine a day where I didn't love her. This girl and her little dark haired friend need to find another dude to drool over because Jace Wayland is no longer on the market for a casual fuck; Jace Wayland is now someone's boyfriend.

"Well, Sammy was it? Tell your friend that me and that little red head are very, very serious about each other; so serious in fact that you might want to stop talking to me before she comes out here and catches you. Don't let her tiny frame fool you; when that girl feels threatened she can be ruthless. It would be such a shame to see her get you and your friends blood on this nice carpet in here."

The blond girl's eyes go wide and she quickly gets up and rushes back to her dark haired friend where they start a heated whispering conversation that I ignore as I lift up one of the gossip magazines. An hour later I am the only one sitting in the room and I find myself starting to worry about Clary. What the hell is taking so long? Everyone else that was sitting in the room after Clary went in has come and gone already.

Just when I convince myself to go and tap on the glass to see what is taking so long the door opens and Clary walks out; my stomach flips violently and my mouth goes dry at the sight of her. She looks like she has been crying; I mean fucking sobbing crying. My stomach flips again when she tries to dart away from my outstretched hands but with one sideways step with my long legs I have her against my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around her tiny body. Her body begins to shudder against my chest and I can hear her sniffling against my shirt.

"What's wrong baby?" I ask calmly.

"Take me home now." She sobs.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Take me home!" Her harsh tone feels like a slap to my face.

I decide to do as she asks and take her home. She tries to shake her hand from mine but I just tighten my grip around her small hand; forcing her to hold my hand the whole way home. Our walk home is slow and quiet; each silent minute makes my stomach and my chest ache painfully. My head is spinning with questions and concerns as I hold her stiff hand in mine as we step into the elevator. As soon as the door opens to the floor where our bedrooms are; she forcefully removes her hand from mine and takes off running down the hall towards my bedroom. When she passes right by my room I begin to sprint down the hall after her.

"Don't follow me Jace! Just leave me alone!"

I stop running so fast that I feel like her words somehow formed a brick wall that I slammed into. Oh for the love of all things holy what the fuck is happening? Why is she so upset? Why is she being so cold towards me? Why is she pushing me away? Why the fuck is she leaving me again? Anger flares in me and I start running down the hall again but instead of going to Clary's room I find myself pounding on my sister's bedroom door. I continue to pound at a steady rate until Izzy's door flies open and her dark eyes look angry when she sees me standing there. She huffs loudly when I shove my way into her room; closing the door once inside.

"What the hell Jace?"

"I need you to go talk to Clary for me Izzy."

"Why? What for?"

"If I knew the answer to that question do you really think I would be standing here right now?"

"So let me get this straight Jace. You come barging into my room and talk to me as though I am some kind of simpleton and expect me to help you?"

"Fuck! I'm sorry Izzy. Will you please go talk to Clary for me? I took her to the doctors and when she came out she was crying and she ran straight to her room when we got home. I don't know what to do. Please help me?"

"I will try my best to get her to talk but I can't make any promises to you Jace. Honestly if she won't talk to you she most likely won't talk to me either."

"Maybe she will though. You're a girl and maybe this is some kind of girl thing that she doesn't want to talk to me about. Please just try Iz."

"What kind of doctor's appointment did she have?"

"You know the women kind."

"You mean a gynecology appointment?"

"Yes."

Izzy narrows her dark eyes at me for a moment and darts out of the room without another word. I decide to sit on her bed and wait for her to come back. I must have fallen asleep because I am woken up by my sister slapping the shit out of me and she is screaming at me. I am too groggy from being rudely awoken to even begin to comprehend what the fuck is going on.

"What the fuck? Stop fucking hitting me Iz and stop screaming; I can't even understand what you are saying."

Izzy stops screaming and she is no longer hitting me. When I look up at her, her shoulders are heaving and her face is beat red. Fuck she's pissed!

"You are such a stupid asshole! What the hell is wrong with you Jace?" She shouts.

"What are you talking about?"

"How did this even happen? I thought you were always so safe. Did you just run out of condoms and decide, oh what the hell?"

"What are you talking about? Fuck Izzy!"

She reaches over and slaps me upside the head again. I jump up and grab her arms and pin them to her sides as I glare at her.

"So help me god Isabelle if you don't stop hitting me and if you don't start taking to me I will kill you!"

Her dark eyes harden as she looks up at me.

"You are going to be a father Jace."

"What?"

"Father, daddy, parent of child; should I go on?"

"Clary's pregnant?"

"Yes you fucking moron."

Before I can even comprehend what is happening I am doubled over and puking all over my sisters fluffy purple carpet. I am relieved when Izzy doesn't scream at me for ruining her carpet and I am shocked when she places her hand on my shoulder in an attempt soothe me. I feel the overwhelming urge to cry but I need to get the fuck away from my sister before I can allow the tears to start. I shrug her hand off my shoulder and walk to my room only to walk back out and head down the hall again towards Clary's room. I knock on the door and her sad voice asks who is there.

"It's me." I croak; the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks.

"Go away!" She shouts.

"Baby…please open the door so we can talk about this."

"Leave me alone Jace!" She shrills even louder than before.

The threat of tears are gone as rage fills my body. I pound my fist on her door.

"Open this mother fucking door right now Clarissa! You can't fucking hide from me forever so you might as well just open the damn door!" I shout.

"Please just leave me alone Jace." Her tone is flat; completely lacking emotion.

Fuck this shit! Fuck this shit all the way to hell and back! I kick her door; right at the lock a few times with my booted foot. The door and the frame creak and snap loudly at my kicking.

"Hey! Jace! Stop right now! What the hell are you doing?"

I look over my shoulder to see Alec standing in his open doorway all the way down at the far end of the hall.

"Mind your own fucking business Alec; this doesn't concern you."

Alec begins to walk faster down the hall towards me as I start to slam my shoulder against Clary's bedroom door.

"Open this fucking door right now Clarissa!"

Just before Alec can reach me and with one more hard slam of my shoulder; I burst into her bedroom. I slam the door in Alec's face only to have him push it open again.

"Jace, what on earth?"

"Get out Alec; this doesn't concern you."

"You are fucking raging mad right now; how does that not concern me? Don't you dare touch her Jace!"

"Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here now Alec. I should kick you in your fucking teeth for even thinking something like that. Get out! Get out now!" I am spitting; I am so damned mad at him right now.

Alec looks at me for a moment and then backs out of Clary's room; pulling the busted door shut as he goes. I look around her room and find her nowhere in sight. I glance in her bathroom and under her bed before realizing that she must be hiding in her closet. Lucky for my sore shoulder there is no lock on her closet door and I take a deep breath before turning the handle. Once the closet door is open I have to strain my eyes to see her tiny body pressed into the far corner of her dark closet. She has her knees pull up to her chest and her face is buried into the palms of her hands. Her whole body is shaking and her sobs are painful to hear. My own chest begins to ache and my eyes fill with tears as I drop to my knees. Fuck me! She is so scared of me right now. She must think I am going to hurt her. I can't say I don't blame her for thinking those things; it was fucking crazy of me to bust through her door like I just did.

"Clary, please come out of there...I'm not going to hurt you…Baby you know I would never ever hurt you…Please come out of there…I am so sorry if I scared you…Come on, come out of there please."

"Please don't yell at me anymore."

"I won't yell; I'm so sorry. Please come here."

While still on my knees I back away from her closet to show her I mean her no harm. Fuck I am sick to my stomach at her fear of me. She begins to crawl slowly out of her closet but before she can come the whole way out she decides to sit against the door frame so she can go back to her hiding place if she feels threatened again. She is quite for a few minutes before finally looking up at me. Her tear filled eyes go wide when she looks at me.

"Why are you crying Jace?"

"Why do you think Clary?" I do my best to keep my voice soft.

"I'm sorry Jace."

"You don't have a clue why I'm crying right now do you?"

"Oh I think I might have a clue." Her words are cold and her green eyes are even colder.

"Why do you push me away?"

The ice from her cold eyes disappears and now her eyes stare at me in confusion.

"Didn't Izzy tell you Jace?"

"Why do you push me away? Why do you always leave me?" My questions are more forceful this time.

"I panicked."

"That's a poor fucking excuse Clary and you know it."

"I guess I figured I would push you away before you could push me away." She whispers.

"Why would I do that? I fucking love you." My voice cracks as more tears spill down my cheeks.

"You mean you don't hate me for getting pregnant?"

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I don't understand her tone; her tone confuses my question filled mind painfully. Did she just admit to me that maybe this wasn't some kind of fucked up accident with her tone?

"I love you. Nothing is going to change that Clary." I use my words carefully.

"I'm sorry I pushed you away like that."

"You really hurt me when you push me away and shut me out like that."

"I'm…s-sorry…I just got scared…I didn't know what you were going to say when I told you."

As much as I want to press the issue of how much it really did hurt for her to shut me out; not mention the fact that my sister had to be to one to tell me I was going to be a father instead of telling me herself; I decide to let it go because she is crying and shaking all over again.

"What did the doctor say?" I ask calmly.

"He said that I am about seven weeks pregnant."

"I thought you couldn't get pregnant? I thought you were on the shot? You told me I didn't have to use condoms because you were on birth control."

"Jace…I-I promise you I didn't do this on purpose. Please you have to believe me."

I close my eyes and attempt to wipe the never ending tears from my face before trying to talk again.

"This is my fault. I should have used condoms; I shouldn't have trusted…"

I stop talking when she cries out painfully and begins to back into the closet. I move fast and grab ahold of her before she can tuck herself in the dark corner once more. The way she flinched as I moved towards her was enough to make my throw up.

"Fuck, I'm sorry Clary. I don't even know why I said that. Please say you forgive me? By the Angel Clary my head hurts from all this shit; it hurts so much that I am saying shit that I don't mean. I know this didn't happen on purpose and I do trust you. I love you please look at me."

I have my hands cupped around her face as she looks down at the floor for a long minute before her green eyes look up at me.

"I love you Jace."

I kiss her forehead and pull back to look at her again.

"Tell me how this happened. Did you miss an appointment or something?"

"No, my last appointment was about two weeks before you and I were together that very first time and I was supposed to get my next shot today but when they tested my urine it came back positive for pregnancy. The doctor told me that I should have gotten the notice in the mail about the defective batch of birth control shots. I told him I must have assumed the letter was just a reminder to pay my bill and since I had already sent out the payment I just threw away the letter without even opening it. Jace I'm sorry. We still have plenty of time to take care of all of this so don't worry okay."

"Take care of all this? What do you mean take care of all of this?"

"I still have almost five weeks to go to the clinic. It's kind of expensive and they said I would be sore for a few days but everything is going to be okay I promise."

"What are you saying here Clary? Are you trying to tell me you are going to get an abortion?"

"I will do whatever you want me to do Jace. I just want you to love me. Please tell me what to do."

I drop my hands from her face and back away from this green eyed girl that I love with all of my heart; the heart that she just shattered into a million pieces with her words. How can I look at her right now? She just said she wanted to get an abortion; no actually she said that she loved me enough that she would kill the baby that is growing inside of her just to make sure I still love her. Fuck this hurts! If I try to talk to her right now I will only make this already fucked up situation even more fucked up. I rise to my feet and with my back to her I am careful with the words that come out of my mouth.

"I'm not running away and I'm not pushing you away Clary but I need a little time by myself to think about this okay."

"Okay…" Her voice is so weak I almost spin around and scoop her up off the floor. It takes everything in me to make my feet take me out of her room but somehow I manage and as soon as I get to my room I flop on my bed. I lay there and stare at the ceiling for what feels like hours and I am surprise that my eyes stay dry as I think about everything I have went through since Clary gave me her virginity. I hear a light taping at my door so I roll off of my bed to see who it is.


	8. Chapter 8

Eardrool for this next chapter….. This chapter and the previous on are a little short so that's why I double updated….enjoy and please talk to me I want to know what you readers are thinking…With love…N….

**Baby's Gone-New Medicine**

**Whole World's Crazy-Art Of Dying**

**Broken-Lifehouse**

**Stepping Stone(Acoustic)-Pop Evil**

**Bad Company-Five Finger Death Punch**

**Lost That Easy-Cold War Kids**

**Style-Taylor Swift**

**Devil Inside-Inxs**

**Devour-Shinedown**

**Yellow Flicker Beat-Lorde**

**Collapse(Post-Amerika)-Rise Against**

**Heaven-Beyonce**

**Dead!-My Chemical Romance**

"Emma? What are you doing here?"

"Clary called me."

"She did? Why would she do that?"

"Can I come in or should we go somewhere else to talk?"

"Well…I…no…let's go to the greenhouse."

As soon as the elevator doors close I glance over to look at Em standing beside me; having her here right now brings new tears to my eyes. When the doors open to the greenhouse Em takes my hand and leads me over to one of the benches; where we sit down. I turn and hug my friend tightly for a moment; feeling thankful that Clary called her.

"Tell me what's going on Jace; it must be pretty serious if Clary called me and begged me to come here as soon as I could."

"When did she call you?"

"It was almost eleven o'clock your time when she called me. I would have been here sooner but I had some important things to take of before I could leave."

"She was still in with the doctor when she called you?"

"I'm not sure; she didn't exactly tell me where she was or what all this was about. All she told me was that you needed me and that this was a…how did she put it again?...oh she said that this is a mental health situation."

"Yeah…I guess you could say that."

"So what happened? What's going on?"

"Clary's pregnant." I whisper softly.

"Oh wow! Fuck Jace this is not what I expected. I'm sorry for over reacting; tell me how this happened."

"Well Emma; you see when a man and a woman have special feelings…"

"Don't be an asshole…what I meant was; I know you Jace and know that you are always safe so what happened? Did the condom break or something?"

"Nothing like that; Clary gets the shot every three months but apparently the last one she got was defective. The doctors sent her a letter but she mistook it for a payment reminder and tossed it in the trash without even reading it."

"Jace…I'm so sorry. What are you going to do? I mean I am assuming that since she called me; you two must have gotten into a fight about this."

"No, not exactly. We left the clinic and the entire walk home was quite; I figured whatever was going on she just wanted to wait until we got home. As soon as we stepped off the elevator she fucking bolted down the hall away from me and when I started to go after her she told me to stay away from her. I asked my sister to go talk to her; I figured that this was some sort of female issue that she was maybe just too embarrassed to me talk about or something. When Izzy told me that Clary was pregnant I threw up on her floor but then I went to Clary's room so I could talk to her after I stopped puking. She had her door locked and refuse to talk to me. Em, all I could think about was how she did that to me before and I wasn't having it again; I guess I might have snapped."

"Snapped? Jace what on earth did you do?"

"I screamed at her; I fucking screamed at Alec for sticking his nose into my business at the wrong time and then I kicked her bedroom door in. Em…I scared her…I didn't mean to scare her but I did. Shit I must have looked like a crazed lunatic. Can you believe that Alec of all people thought that I was going to hurt Clary? He actually said the words 'don't you fucking touch her' to me. I had to convince him the I wouldn't lay a hand on her just so he would leave her room and then I found her hiding in her closet; she was crying and shaking with fear and she looked so damned tiny in that dark corner of her closet."

"Did she come out of her hiding spot?"

"Yes…eventually…but she stayed in the doorway of her closet just in case she felt threatened by me. Fuck Em! Do you know how sick that makes me feel that she actually was afraid I was going to hurt her? I would never hurt her; I would never put a mark on that girl. It hurts that she thought that. Fuck it hurts that my parabitai thought that. I understand how crazy I must have seemed but…Em…please tell me that at least you know I would never hurt her."

"I do know you Jace and I wouldn't be worried about losing money on the bet of whether or not you would hit her. I mean you wouldn't hit a girl; not really, not in any kind of real anger. What goes on in the training room is just that; it's training. I have seen you break your sisters bones; hell you broke my collarbone once and I almost forgot about the time you fractured my jaw but that was all for training. Maybe all Clary could think of when you were flipping out was how much damage you can inflict on another person; maybe that was what Alec was thinking too. The thing is Jace; sometimes good people do crazy things when they feel threatened."

"Threatened? I didn't feel threatened; why would you think that Emma?"

"Maybe on the surface of your mind you didn't feel threatened but somewhere in the back of your mind you must have felt that way. Think about it; this pregnancy could tear you and her apart and that's a threat to you. Raising a child is stressful as it is but you two are so young yet; you haven't even started your life really and that can feel overwhelming."

"You're right Em; I guess I probably do feel threatened in a way but more than anything right now what I feel the most is confused."

"Why do you feel confused?"

"I think she wants to get an abortion…she can't really want that can she? She told me to tell her what to do. She told me that she would do whatever I wanted her to do as long as I still loved her. Let me ask you something Em; if you got pregnant and the dude that knocked you up told you to get an abortion or he would leave you what would you do?"

"Well I am assuming this is a hypothetical question considering I am a lesbian but I guess if it were me I would probably tell the asshole not to let the door hit him in the ass when he left."

"Okay…okay so I'm not overreacting about this then?"

"Well…yes and no Jace. I can sit here and have a hypothetical conversation but to be honest I can't say for sure that is what I would do. Clary is so scared right now Jace; she loves you so much and all she is probably thinking is that she need to hang onto that love to keep from losing her mind."

"What about me? Aren't I allowed to be scared about this? You're right she loves me and I love her so shouldn't we be scared together? Shouldn't I be holding her in my arms while we both cry and talk this through instead of her being in her room alone and me sitting here talking to you?"

"Did she ask you to leave her room?"

"No, I left on my own."

"Why? Why did you walk out on her?"

"I didn't walk out on her Em! I had to get away from her after what she said. I didn't trust myself to find the right words at that moment. I didn't want to make things worse off than they already were. I told her I wasn't leaving her and that I wasn't pushing her away; I told her I just needed to be by myself so I could think about things."

"How long ago was this?"

"A little over three hours ago."

"Okay I have only been here for about thirty minutes so in the two and a half hours before I got here what did you come up with?"

"Not much of anything to be honest with you…fuck Em, I don't know what to do or what to think…I just keep hearing Clary's words in my head. I keep hearing her tell me she will do whatever I want her to do as long as I still love her. I guess most of all I think that I might be disappointed in her for saying those things. She is everything to me Emma. Wrong or right I keep that little red head on a very high pedestal; I know it sounds cheesy but she is my little princess and I would do anything for her. Her love for me, her faith in me, and her trust in me is still sometimes very overwhelming for me. I couldn't tell you how many times I look at that beautiful girl and ask myself when the fuck she is going to realize that I am no good for her?"

Em holds her hands in the air to stop me from talking. She closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths before her blue eyes meet mine again.

"Do you ever stop to think that maybe Clary has you on a pedestal too Jace? Have you stopped to consider that she would do anything for you too? I can understand how her words must hurt you but you shouldn't look down your nose at her and you shouldn't be disappointed in her. She is the one who is pregnant not you. She has three choices on how to handle this pregnancy and at the end of the day every one of those three choices are scary and each one of those choices will come with consequences."

"Emma it's my…"

"Don't interrupt me Jace. You are going to sit there and listen to what I have to say before you open your mouth again. Do you understand me?...Number one: if Clary gets an abortion then that will scar her for the rest of her life. Number two: If Clary carries this baby to full term and puts it up for adoption then she will walk around every day feeling broken and lost; she will look at every child she sees and wonder if this one or that one is her child. Number three: She could have this baby and struggle every single day trying to raise a child the right way; that's a scary thing to do for anyone; especially for someone as young as she is. I get how scared and confused you are about all of this Jace but have you even considered how she is feeling right now?"

"She is all I am thinking about! All that shit you just said you forgot one key element in what you were saying."

"Really? And what key element would that be?"

Emma's blue eyes are cold and her tone is clipped and angry. What the fuck? Now she is mad at me but what for? Clary is probably pissed at me for leaving her room. Izzy is definitely pissed at me and now Emma is pissed at me. How did I manage to piss off all the females that I love all on the same day? Fuck I might as well through Alec in with the lot of them too because I know he's pissed at me as well.

"Me…Emma you forgot to include me in all of that shit. What about how I will feel? Don't you…"

"Shut up! Shut your fucking mouth right now Jace! Stop making this about you! Don't you get it? You have the option to just walk away from all of this. You could just pack your shit and move out to LA with me and forget all about her if you wanted to. All of the weight is on her shoulders right now and…"

"Fuck you Emma! Fuck you for saying that! I realize that I might have a shitty track record but I fucking love that girl with all my heart. I would never leave her; I would never just walk away and forget her. I don't think you understand how much that girl is imbedded deep into my mind and in my heart; fuck if I have a soul then she is imbedded there too. So don't you sit there and tell me to shut up! Don't you dare sit there and tell me that this isn't about me; that this pregnancy doesn't affect me just as much as it does her. Emma I love you and I appreciate you dropping everything to come here but I wasn't the one who called you. I think you should go home."

"Jace please don't be upset with me."

"I won't lie to you Em; I am upset with you for saying some of the shit you said but that doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. Please just go home and let me handle this myself and I promise I will call you."

"Not just call me Jace; you promised me a month ago that you would find time to bring Clary to LA."

"Fine we will come to LA after I talk to her; but I can't waste another minute of my time talking to you. I love you Em."

"I love you Jace."

As I walk down the hall I take my time getting to Clary's room because I am trying to control my anger. I am angry at Em, and I am angry at Clary for calling Em in the first place. I need to leave that anger out here in the hall before I let her see my eyes; she will see the anger if I don't get it out of my head. I stand at her broken door with my hand on the knob as I take a couple of deep breaths but just before I turn the handle I hear voices inside of her room. I press my ear to the door a listen for a full minute. I can't hear specific words but I can hear three different voices coming from Clary's bedroom; hers, Izzy's and Alec's. What the fuck are they doing in her room? I have to wait for a few more moments to open her door so I can control this new wave of anger. When I finally open her door I have three sets of eyes looking at me.

"Alec, Izzy; I would like to speak with Clary so could you both please give us a little privacy?"

Izzy leaves the room without a word but I am surprised when Alec is the one who lingers for a minute to make sure Clary feels comfortable enough to be alone with me.

"You know where to find me if you need me Clary."

"Yes, thank you Alec."

I can't help but keep the shocked look off my face as I watch Alec hug Clary and kiss her cheek before he leaves the room without even looking at me. After the door closes Clary and I just look at each other for a few minutes. Maybe I should sit down in her chair? Maybe I should be the one who starts talking first? Fuck that! I walk over and pull her off of her bed and pull her body to my chest where I wrap my arms around her and bury my face in her hair.

"I love you baby." I whisper.

"I love you." She whispers back as I feel her tense shoulders relax slightly.

"I'm sorry if I scared you earlier."

"It's okay. Where is Emma?"

"I sent Em home. I know you meant well by calling her but this is between you and I Clary. We don't need to involve other people."

"I just figured you would have called Emma and I thought you would want to talk to her so that is why I called her."

"You called her from the doctor's office didn't you?"

"Yes."

"You hid in the doctor's office too didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I was afraid of your reaction. I thought if you could talk to Emma then maybe she could make you understand."

I sit down on her bed and pull her onto my lap. I need her body to be touching mine as I look at her and as we talk about all of this. I need her body touching me so I don't feel like I am falling. I cup her face in my hands so she will look at me when I ask her my next question.

"Understand what Clary?"

"Understand that I didn't get pregnant on purpose and understand that I would do anything to make you happy. I just want you to love me Jace."

"I do love you Clary but I need you to explain something to me."

"What?"

"What you said…about taking care of…of the pregnancy…you said you would do whatever I wanted you to do as long as I still loved you…please tell me that's not true…please tell me that you only said that because you were scared. Please tell me that you would not get an abortion just because I asked you to. Please tell me that even if it meant you leaving me to protect an innocent child you would do that."

"I was scared; I still am but honestly I don't think if it came down to it I could actually go through with it. I don't think I could live with myself if I got an abortion even if that would be the only way I could still have you love me. I think I would feel so broken for doing something like that I wouldn't even be able to feel love anymore."

Thank fucking god! I think I can finally feel my heart beating in my chest again. I feel so guilty for my temporary disappointment in Clary for what she said earlier. I know her and I should have known that it was just her fear making her say those crazy things.

"What about adoption? What are your thoughts on that?"

"I don't think I could do that either. I don't think I could feel this baby moving inside of me for months and just hand it over to someone knowing that I would never get to see it again. I would spend the rest of my life looking at every child and wondering if they were mine."

"Ours."

"What?"

"Our child Clary; this is my baby too you know."

"I know that but you don't have to…"

"I am going to stop you right there. Please don't even try to finish that sentence Clary. I can't even stand the thought of you thinking that way about me let alone to actually have to hear you speak the words out loud. This is our baby and we will do the best we can to raise our baby. Will we feel scared sometimes? Yes. Will we feel overwhelmed sometimes? Yes. Will we make mistakes and fuck shit up sometimes? Yes, that's almost a guarantee but we can do this; we just have to stick together and help each other through the hard times. As much as I would love to have been able to spend the next five years or so being carefree with our lives; things are different now. Now life isn't all about me and you anymore, now our baby comes first."

"I am still finding it hard to believe that there is a baby growing inside of me right now. I keep waiting for someone to pop out and say this is all some kind of bad joke. I don't even feel any different."

"You are still in shock. Give it some time; I'm sure before long you will feel different."

"Well yeah…before you know it I will be waddling around the institute and eating everything in sight."

I can't help but chuckle at her scowling face.

"I look forward to watching you waddle around Clary."

"I am going to get so fat. I already feel uncomfortable about my body; can you imagine how I will feel when I have a huge butt and a watermelon sticking out of my front?"

"Stop that; you are not going to get fat."

"Yes I am!"

"You are pregnant with my child and yes your belly is going to stick out but not because you eat too many cookies it will be sticking out because our baby will be growing each day."

"Take one last look at me before my body starts to get all round Jace because right now is probably the last time I will have the nice body that you say I have. I will never look like this again."

"Stop being so negative Clary. How do you know you won't like what your body will look like after you have our child?"

"Why would I?"

"You hear women all the time talking about how they have curvier hips and fuller cup sizes that they never had before they got pregnant. I can't wait for the day when I can see your belly sticking out. I won't be able to keep my hands off of your stomach."

"You are so strange."

"You love me."

"With all my heart Jace."

"You look tired baby."

"I feel exhausted; today has been all over the emotional scale for me and I think it has me worn down."

"Well that and the fact that you are pregnant. Didn't the doctor tell you what kind of things to expect for the rest of your pregnancy?"

"Yes, he did. He said I would feel tired, he said I would get headaches, he said that I could get dizzy and nauseous. He said I could get hemorrhoids; you know all that fun stuff."

"Let's go take a nap."

"It's almost four Jace; don't you think it's a little late in the day for a nap."

"Nope. We can take a nap for an hour and then I will take you to dinner."

"Okay."

Still feeling the need to have her body as close to me as possible; I lift her up and carry her down the hall to my bedroom and shift her body so that she is lying on top of me when I get into bed. I set the alarm on my phone and we fall asleep almost immediately. An hour later my alarm goes off and I feel refreshed; starving because I skipped lunch but refreshed none the less. Clary is still sleeping on my chest and I run my hands across her back as I plant kisses on her temple and cheek in the attempt to wake her up. Her eyes flutter; telling me she is not sleeping me anymore.

"You awake baby?"

"Mmm…don't want to be." She mumbles.

"Let's get ready to get some dinner."

"I'm not really hungry."

"You will get out of this bed right now and get ready to go to dinner. I will not have you starving my baby."

Thankfully she is awake enough to hear the playfulness in my tone and she laughs softly as she crawls out of bed. She grabs my hand and I get out of bed; she keeps her hand in mine as she enters my bathroom. Once inside of the bathroom she turns towards me and with the sweetest smile she takes her shirt off as she looks at me.

"What are you doing?" I ask in confusion.

"I want to take a quick shower before we go to dinner. All the crying I have done today makes me feel like I need a shower to try to replace some of the moister my body has lost."

I lean forward and kiss her cheek before looking at her again.

"Enjoy your shower. I will get changed and meet you downstairs."

"No you won't Jace."

"Okay I can wait in my room for you then if you want."

"You won't do that either."

"What am I supposed to do then?"

"Take your clothes off and get into the shower with me."

I can't hide the grin on my face.

"Seriously? I thought you were too uncomfortable to take a shower with me?"

"Yes that true but seeing that before long I will be a whale I might as well enjoy every moment with you."

I could say so many things to her right now but I decide to just keep my fucking mouth shut. If I mess up and say the wrong thing to her then she might change her mind about taking a shower with me. I quickly strip my clothes off and help her take the rest of her clothes off before taking her hand and pulling her into the shower with me. I pull her tight against my chest and enjoy the feeling of her wet skin against my skin as the water run over the two of us. When her hair is wet I grab the shampoo and ignore her questioning look as I begin to wash her hair. After I put her conditioner in her hair I let it sit and begin to wash her body; we are both silent as I wash her creamy skin but she is noticeably more relaxed than she was when we first stepped into the shower. I am on my knees as I finish washing her legs and I finally look up at her green eyes for what feels like the first time since we got into the shower. She is so beautiful; looking at her almost takes my breath away.

"You are so beautiful Clary."

She just smiles at me. I run my hand over her thigh and plant light kisses across her soft skin.

"Just the sight of your thighs makes my body shudder with want for you." I whisper.

I run my tongue over her hipbone and look into her eyes once more.

"I love the curve of your hipbone." I purr.

Rising to my feet; I bend forward and pull her nipple into my mouth. She moans as her fingers slip into my wet hair as I tease her flesh with my mouth.

"Your nipple reminds me of a beautiful pink rose." My voice is raspy as my hunger for her grows.

I kiss a slow path all the way up to her ear and gently bite her earlobe. My lips are pressed against her ear when I whisper.

"I love the way your soft ear feels between my lips."

I slide my fingers into her hair as I look down at her green eyes.

"I love how your eyes change when I have my hands on your body."

I graze my lips across her mouth before kissing her softly. My lips are barely touching hers when I whisper.

"I could kiss your full lips for days at a time and it still wouldn't be enough."

I kiss the tip of her tiny nose and smile at her sweet face as my golden eyes look into her beautiful green eyes.

"I love you so much Clary and I love every single inch of your body."

"I love you Jace."

I kiss her once more before I quickly wash my own hair and body followed by rinsing the conditioner out of her red hair and then I shut the water to the shower off. I quickly tuck a towel around my waist and pull her to my chest as I wrap a towel around her tiny body. We hold each other until our skin is dry and the bathroom is no longer filled with steam before pulling apart to get dressed.

I am sitting on the edge of the sink as I watch Clary comb her wet hair.

"What are you hungry for Clary?"

"I told you I wasn't really hungry so whatever you want for dinner will be fine with me."

"How about Chinese food?"

"No I'm not in the mood for Chinese."

"Pizza then?"

"No, no pizza either."

"Hmm…for someone who doesn't claim be hungry sure is being picky."

"Let's just go to Taki's; they have a little bit of everything on their menu so I'm sure I will find something to eat."

"Who are you trying to kid? You know damn well you are going to get coconut pancakes if we go to Taki's."

She just laughs as we step out of the institute; the late afternoon heat is unusually warm for this time of year but the smile on her face tells me it is much appreciated. She quickly peels off her jacket and smiles as the sun warms her pale skin. I take her jacket from her so she can really enjoy the warm breeze on her skin as we take the short walk to Taki's. I find an open booth in the surprisingly packed restaurant when she slides into her seat she keeps her hand in mine as she pulls me down to sit beside her instead of across from her. When I slide my arm around her shoulders she snuggles up against my chest as she places her small hand on my thigh where she runs her hand up and down the length of my leg. Fuck her innocent caress is making blood pool to the front of my jeans but I don't dare stop her for worry of upsetting her. When Trina hands us our menu's I use that as my excuse to shift my body to hide my growing erection and Clary is none the wiser.

"What can I get the two of you to drink?"

I smile at Clary so she will tell Trina what she would like to drink.

"Can I have one of your orange blossom and honey smoothies please?"

"Sure thing sweetie. How about you Jace?"

"I think I want a root beer float today and maybe some water too."

"Do you two know what you want to eat or do you need me to give you a couple of minutes to look at the menu?"

"I think we need a few minutes."

"Take your time; I will be back with your drinks as soon as I get the chance. We are crazy busy today and of course Kailea decided to call off work at the last minute so we are shorthanded tonight."

"Take your time Trina we are in no hurry." Clary says sweetly.

Ten minutes go by before Trina returns with our drinks. I take a big bite from my ice cream that is floating in the root beer as soon as she sets my drink down in front of me.

"Clary what can I get you?" Trina asks.

"I would like a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of your tomato soup please."

"What kind of bread do you want on your grilled cheese?"

"Oh um…whole wheat please."

"Jace? What can I get you today?"

"T-bone steak, baked potato and a salad please."

"How do you want your steak cooked?"

"Rare."

"Butter and sour cream for your potato?"

"Yes please."

"What kind of dressing do you want for your salad?"

"Blue cheese."

"Do you want any mushrooms or onions with your steak?"

"Oh…yeah just mushrooms though no onions and can I get some horseradish on the side too?"

"Sure thing. Anything else?'

"No I think that will be all for now."

"Okay, I will bring it out when it's ready."

"Thank you Trina."

I watch her check on two of her tables before she disappears into the kitchen. I turn to look at Clary as I take another bite out of my ice cream.

"I can't believe you didn't order pancakes."

"I was hungry for a grilled cheese sandwich instead."

"Thought you weren't hungry?"

"I wasn't but now I am."

"How is your smoothie?"

"It's really good; do you want to try it?"

I lean over and take a sip of her smoothie and find it to be refreshing and not as sweet as I thought it would be.

"That's actually delicious."

"Yes it is. It's healthy too."

"Is that why you ordered that instead of your chocolate milkshake?"

"Yes. I need to start eating better."

"You should have been eating better all along but who am I to talk? I eat way too much red meat and consume too much sugar. Not to mention the amount of caffeine I have running through my veins on a daily basis."

"Oh coffee…I'm really going to miss drinking coffee." She says sadly.

"Maybe you could have decaf?"

"No, if I can't have the real thing then I don't want it at all."

"You're a stubborn little thing."

"Do you think I will have any crazy mood swings?"

"How should I know?"

"True. I think I will just go ahead and apologize right now just in case I do."

I giggle as I kiss her cheek; before I can pull away she turns her head and kisses me deeply. Fuck! This girl will be the death of me some day. I want to grab ahold of her and drag her home so I can consume her body completely. When she finally breaks our intense kiss her cheeks are flushed and I feel heat on the back of my neck. I lean forward and press my lips to her ear.

"I want you so bad right now Clary." I whisper in her ear and I feel her hand on my thigh again as she leans her head towards my lips; she wants me to continue to whisper in her ear.

"Do you have any idea how hard I am right now?"

Her hand slides dangerously close to my zipper and I hear my own breath catch.

"Mmm…I love the way your hands feel on my body."

I suck in a short breath when her pinky runs lightly down my zipper.

"Are you wet baby? Do you want me inside of you right now?"

A small moan escapes her throat and she squeezes my thigh hard as she pulls her ear away from my mouth. I let out a small chuckle when I realize she has had enough of my dirty words in her ear. We sit quietly as we wait for our food. After waiting almost an hour for our food; I manage to clean my plate in record time because I was so hungry but Clary only ate half of her sandwich and a couple of spoonful's of her soup.

"Are you done eating already?"

"Yeah, I guess I really wasn't hungry after all."

"You feeling okay baby?"

"Please don't start doing that Jace."

"Doing what?"

"Asking me if I'm feeling okay all the time just because I'm pregnant."

"I wasn't. I was only asking."

"Are you sure?"

"I promise."

"Will you promise not to coddle me?"

"I will promise to try not to coddle you; how is that?"

Jace…" She whines.

"Clarissa." I whine back and she laughs.

"Isn't it our turn to patrol tonight Jace?"

"Nice way to change the subject. It's my turn to patrol tonight; you are off patrol from now on. I will have Alec or Izzy go with me instead."

"Why can't I go on patrol? I want to go."

"You will not put my child in danger Clary; this is not up for debate."

"Damn it." She tries to curse under her breath but I hear her anyway.

"Curse all you want to Clary but you are still not going."

"You realize that ninety percent of the time we go on patrol we never see a single thing."

"Ten percent odds against you are not in your favor. Please baby, don't fight me on this. I couldn't stand the thought of something happening to our baby. I worry enough about you as it is when we are on patrol and now my baby is in your belly; I can't handle all that worry."

"Okay. Can we go home now?"

"Are you sure you want to go home already? It's such a nice day out I thought maybe we could go for a walk before the sun sets."

"That sounds really nice actually."

"Come on, let me pay the bill and we can get out of here."


	9. Chapter 9

**SONG LIST FOR THIS CHAPTER….**

**Work Song-Hozier**

**Breath(Album Version)-Breaking Benjamin **

**Cosmic Love-Florence &amp; The Machine**

**Dirty Work-Halestorm**

**Still Counting-Volbeat**

**Any Way You Want It-Rise Against**

**There Is Only You-The Xcerts**

**Half A Heart-One Direction**

**Runaway-Ed Sheeran**

**You're Not Pretty But You Got It Goin' On-Band Of Skulls**

**Battle Born – Five Finger Death Punch ((This is kind of Jace's theme song…pre-Clary, that is.))**

**Sorry-Meg Myers**

**Moving On-Asking Alexandria**

It's nearly eight o'clock when Clary and I return to the institute. I only have enough time to get her inside and put on my hunting gear before I need to go tell Alec or Izzy they will need to go on patrol with me because in less than thirty minutes the sun will be completely set. I escort Clary to my room and kiss her quickly goodbye after I change into my gear before seeking out one of my siblings. My first choice would obviously be my parabitai but his interaction with Clary earlier has me a little thrown off right at the moment so I end up knocking on Izzy's door instead. She opens the door almost as soon as I knock and I jump at her quick answer.

"What's wrong now Jace?"

"Nice to see you too sis. Nothing's wrong, I was just wondering if you would be interested in going on patrol with me tonight?"

"It's not my turn."

"I know but Clary will be off patrol duty for quite some time and we aren't really supposes to go alone. If you're busy I can just go alone."

"Are you two okay?"

"We're fine. Are you coming with me or not?"

"Where is Alec? Why didn't you ask him?"

"He was weird with me earlier and I guess I'm just not in the mood to be around him right now."

"Seriously? That's your reasoning? You aren't asking your parabitai to go on patrol with you just because he was weird with you earlier? Don't you think that should be all the more reason to ask him to go with you? If something weird is going on between the two of you; avoiding him will not make that go away."

"Fuck! Fine, I'll go find Alec then. You realize that you can be a real pain in the ass sometimes don't you?"

"And you can be a real son of a bitch sometimes but why point fingers?"

I roll my eyes at her and make my way down the hall to find Alec; I should just fucking go alone so I don't have to deal with him. The only reason why I end up knocking on Alec's door is because I will come home to a very pissed off red head if I go on patrol by myself. Me going on patrol alone is putting myself in more danger than necessary and considering I just told her today that she needs to be more careful from now on will only make me look like a fucking prick if I go out alone. Alec takes so long to open his door I think he might not even be in there but just when I decided to go elsewhere to find him his door swings open. 

"What do you want Jace?"

"Damn it! You too?"

"Me too what?"

"Izzy was moody with me and now you are being moody with me."

Alec completely blows off my comment as he crosses his arms over his chest and narrows his blue eyes at me.

"Where is Clary?"

"In my room."

"How is she? Did you yell at her again?"

"She's fine. I'm fine too thanks for asking."

"I didn't ask how you were. Answer my question. Did you yell at her again?"

"No but I am seriously considering yelling at you right now. Why are you pissing me off Alec?"

"Why are you here right now Jace?"

"I came to ask you to go on patrol with me because Clary can't go with me. I can see you don't really want to be around me so I will just leave you alone."

I don't give him the chance to respond to my words; I turn away from him and walk quickly down the hall towards the elevator and close my eyes as I lean against the cold metal of the elevator doors after they close. Fuck I have a lump in my throat from my cold conversation with Alec. I shake off my emotions as I start my walk down the dark sidewalk; I need to stay focused on what I am doing more now than ever. I have been on patrol alone a couple of times before but only for a couple of short moments. I am surprised at the height of my anxiety because I am all alone. Shit, Clary will be so pissed when she finds out; maybe I can blame Alec and she will end up yelling at him instead of me.

"I can see how seriously you are taking your patrol duties tonight Jace. I thought for sure I would have to run for at least three or four more blocks before I caught up with you."

I turn around to see Alec jogging towards me. He is no longer dressed in sweatpants and a ripped t-shirt; now he is in full gear like I am. I stand still and wait for him to catch up to me.

"Why did you follow me?" My tone is clipped.

"I'm sorry if I hurt your feeling Jace."

"You didn't."

"Okay if that's how you want to do this; then fine let's just go on patrol. It's not like there are rules saying we need to converse with our hunting partners."

"Alec…"

"No it's fine let's just go."

"You did hurt my feelings. There I said it; are you happy now?"

"I'm not happy that I hurt your feelings but I am glad that you admit that I did in fact hurt your feelings. I really am sorry Jace."

"Alec, are we okay?"

"I'm not sure to be honest. You scared me earlier today. Do you realize for a short period of time today I actually thought you were going to hurt Clary? I could almost see you hitting her in my mind; I could almost see the bruises on her face. I would have never in a million years thought I would be saying these things to you right now."

"You of all people should know better than that Alec. I would never hurt Clary. Fuck every time I even raise my voice to her I feel like a piece of shit. I would never put my hands on her. Was I pissed? Sure. Was I in shock about her being pregnant? You bet your ass I was. Most of all I was scared; I'm still scared Alec. Clary is pregnant with my child. I am going to be a father; and I am scared shitless about that. I need me and you to be okay. I need all the support I can get right now. Please tell me what I have to do to make things right between us."

"You don't have to do anything Jace. We're okay, I promise."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes…I realize I may have over reacted but you know how I am Jace; over reaction should be my middle name."

"Yeah well…I guess I should apologize to you…you know for scaring you."

"No, you don't owe me an apology; I should have just minded my own business in the first place."

I decide to just drop the subject; we have both said our peace on the matter so there really is no need to press the issue. There is something I need to clear up right now; I need to understand why all of a sudden Alec is being different with Clary. I need to know if it was just because he was afraid I was going to hurt her or if there is another reason.

"Why were you being so nice to Clary today? I am happy to see you being nice to her but why?"

"She is important to you."

"That's the answer I get?"

"It's the answer you need from me. Look Jace, I will admit that since the two of you have started dating I have been distant toward her but after today I won't be that way anymore. Today I realized just how important she really is to you and if she is that important to you then she is important to me as well. It's simple Jace; I love you, you love her so I need to love her too."

"Thank you Alec."

"You will have all the support you will need from me Jace; you and Clary both."

"I really will need support from you so that means a lot to me."

"What are you two going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is she going to get an abortion or…"

"No! Absolutely not. We are going to raise our baby Alec."

"I'm sorry, I was only asking. You do realize that no one would judge either one of you if you did decide that abort…"

"Don't even finish that sentence Alec. I don't ever want to hear that fucking word again do you hear me?"

"Loud and clear…So do you have any baby names picked out yet?"

"I don't think we are quite there yet Alec; we only just found out she was pregnant today. Christ, today feels like the longest day ever."

"Alexander is a really good name."

"Hint taken." I can't help but chuckle at his name suggestion.

"Oh by the way; I hope you won't be angry at me for telling Magnus about Clary."

"You can be such a gossiper sometimes Alec."

"So you're not mad at me then?"

"No but Clary might be a little upset about it."

"Shit! She is going to kill me."

"She isn't going to kill you. She is pregnant now and she knows I would not approve of her being violent. No she will tell me to kill you for her."

"Shit."

"You already said that."

"It seemed worth repeating; in fact I think I will say it a few more times. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit."

"Do you feel better now Alec?"

"Not really but there isn't much I can do about it. If you end up killing me then I guess it will just be my time to go."

"You can't even keep a straight face Alec."

The two of us let our laughter trickle off and end up patrolling for the next hour in a comfortable silence. I let my mind wander to what it will be like to hold a child in my hands and how it will feel to know that I made that child; that Clary and I created this tiny person together. My wandering thoughts disappear when Alec nudges me with his elbow as we walk.

"Where did you go there Jace? I've been trying to get your attention for about five minutes."

"Sorry Alec, I was just thinking about Clary and the baby; still trying to wrap my head around it."

"Funny, I was thinking about Clary and the baby too."

"Really? What about them?"

"Well, here I am going on patrol with you because obviously it would be too dangerous for Clary. Do you realize that she has been on patrol…oh Christ…what over a dozen times while she was pregnant and didn't know it?"

"Trust me Alec, I am fully aware of that and thankfully nothing happened to her or the baby."

"That's not completely true…remember two weeks ago when she fell hard enough off that dumpster that she broke her wrist and split her knee wide open?" He chuckles as he remembers the night.

"Christ Alec! Yes I remember that; I remember every single mark that girl gets on her body. I can't stand seeing a paper cut on her finger let alone any kind of real injury. Can we stop talking about this now because I manage to freak out enough on my own without your help?"

"Sure. Sorry for adding to your anxiety Jace." He grins widely at me; not being sorry in the least.

"It's no big deal; I guess you and I are both guilty of over reacting sometimes."

"Are you going to leave?"

I look at Alec for two reasons. Number one: His question came out of left field and I am confused. And number two: his casual tone is now replaced by a very sad tone.

"Leave? What do you mean?"

"You and Clary; are you two going to move out when the baby comes?"

"How can we move out Alec? When the baby comes I will still have to wait two months to turn eighteen and Clary will have to wait almost eight months to turn eighteen. How can we afford an apartment with no money? The clave won't put me on the payroll until I am an adult."

"That's true, I guess I really didn't think about the question before I asked it. Do you think after you turn eighteen you will move out of the institute?"

"I don't know; I guess I would have to discuss that with Clary. By your tone I am assuming that you would be sad if I moved out of the institute."

"I would be. I would miss you. I know I stay at Magnus's apartment quite a bit but I try to get home to see my family as much as I can."

"Face it Alec; we all have to fly the nest at some point."

"I know but just not any time soon okay?"

"Sounds good to me brother. Now if we are done being emotional can we focus on our patrol?"

At six-thirty the next morning I am exhausted and covered in mud; I even have mud caked in my hair. Alec thought it would be funny to push me down a hill and into a huge mud puddle. The bastard was still laughing when we parted ways to go to our rooms for much needed showers. At least I'm not the only one that will have to scrub mud off their body; I tackled Alec to the ground and rubbed myself all over him until he begged me to stop. When I saw that he was just as muddy as I was I grinned in satisfaction and called a truce with him. I silently slip into my bathroom and end up draining the hot water tank to get all of the mud out of my hair and off my body. I brush my teeth quickly and skip shaving again so I can get some sleep. I carefully crawl into bed so I won't wake up Clary but just as I close my eyes she climbs on my chest and starts kissing my neck.

"Mmm…I missed you too baby."

"I don't think I slept at all last night. The bed was cold and lonely without you Jace."

"Awe I'm sorry baby."

She continues to kiss my neck as she runs her hands across my stomach and when I feel her fingers curl around the waistband of my boxer shorts I know that she want to do much more than just cuddle. As tired as I am right now my need for her overpowers my need for sleep. I shift our bodies so that I am on top of her. I don't waste anytime taking off my boxers or her (my) t-shirt and underwear and I consume her full lips with my mouth for a moment before I start to kiss her soft skin all the way down to her stomach. I place my hands on her flat belly and kiss it sweetly and whisper good morning to our baby before my lips travel lower. When I reach the soft hair between her thighs I pause; waiting for her to tell me to get the hell away from there and sure enough she pulls my hair hard enough that I raise my eyes to her.

"Please Jace…" She pleads. Any other time I would just give into her shyness and move onto something else but I decide that it's time to fight dirty if I am ever going to get what I want from her.

"Please what baby?"

"Don't…"

"I need you ready for me Clary." I purr as I slide my fingers between her thighs and her eyes lashes flutter.

"I am ready for you Jace."

"Really now? How ready are you for me baby?"

"I've been ready since you whispered in my ear at dinner last night."

She whimpers when I gently run my fingers at her center; barely touching her as I do. When her hips involuntarily jerk towards my light touch; I quickly move my fingers out of her reach.

"Hmm…that's a really long time…how can you stand being so pent up for so long?"

"I told you I couldn't sleep last night…"

"You didn't have to wait for me."

"Of course I did."

"No baby…you could have relieved some of your frustrations on your own."

"Jace…" She rolls her eyes at my suggestion; shit I need to be careful or my attempt to fight dirty will blow up in my face.

"Clarissa…" I purr.

"You know I don't do that."

"You only want me to make you feel good?" I ask as I run my thumb dangerously close to her most sensitive area.

"Yes." She practically moans.

"You must want me pretty bad right now."

"Yes."

"Tell me Clary…tell me how bad you want me right now."

"Jace…"

"Come on baby…tell me." My persistence is greedy of me but the look in her eyes tells me she is starting to get lost in my words; her body wanting to give into her need for me.

"I want you so bad right now."

"Good girl…now that wasn't so hard was it?"

"No."

"You want me inside of you?"

"Yes please."

"Tell me baby."

"Oh please Jace…I want you inside of me." Her body starts to almost slither with anticipation.

"Do I make you feel good when I'm inside of you…right here…" She gasps loudly and her hips buck up off the mattress when my fingers tease at her opening; I let my fingers circle her a few times as I wait for her to respond.

"Jace…please…I need you…please…"

Just as her hips start to roll against my fingers; I move my hand once more out of her reach. I bite back a grin when she drops her head against the pillow in frustration.

"Oh baby…I want so bad to give what you need…but I don't think I am going to give it to you."

"Why?" Her green eyes go wide.

"Because I need something first Clary." I purr.

"Like what?" She ask in confusion because on quick glance between our bodies and she can see that I am more than ready for her.

"I need…and I mean I really need to taste you Clary." I slide my fingers over her wet center and use feather light pressure to tease her sensitive clitoris.

"Jace…I don't want you to…"

"But I need to baby…just like you need me inside of you…I need to taste you."

Her eyes go wide when my fingers that were between her thighs slip into my mouth and I groan as I lick them clean.

"Fuck you taste so good Clary…let me make you feel good baby."

"Jace…" Her cheeks blaze with color from embarrassment but the look in her eyes tells me not to give up just yet.

"Close your eyes and just feel me baby…" When she doesn't agree or protest; I dip my face down and run my tongue across her ribs before I nibble and kiss my way lower on her body. My tongue swirls suggestively around and inside of her navel as her fingers slide into my hair; her soft moans urge me to travel lower. When my mouth brushes against the soft hair between her thighs I whisper 'I love you' as I kiss her slowly and gently; giving her the chance to stop me but when her hips roll in satisfaction I know she isn't going to stop me.

I have to stall for a few seconds because I can't contain the grin on my face. Desire over takes my childish behavior as my tongue begins to stroke her clitoris. Within a few strokes of my tongue her thighs begin to shake from the sensation and her loud gasps are music to my ears (guess my insecurities were for nothing). Fuck she tastes good; I could taste her all day and still want more. It only takes me about two minutes of using my lips and tongue and a few brave grazes of my teeth on her before she finds her release; I have to grip her thighs tightly to keep her hips from bucking off the mattress as I continue to move my mouth over her sweet center. Her moans barely taper off when they start to increase once more as she nears her climax again; my movements are quick and relentless. Her heavy breathing is cut off by a moan as I nip her sensitive skin with my teeth before wrapping my lips around her and sucking gently. After her third orgasms in a row; even I am having trouble separating each one because they are coming in such fast waves it's hard to tell which one ends and which one begins.

"Please Jace…I feel like I'm going to pass out." She pleads.

I slow my mouth movements and then start to kiss a slow path up her body; giving her time to catch her breath and come down off her high before I reach her mouth with mine; but before I can kiss her lips she turns her head.

"Don't tease me Clary. You give me those sweet lips of yours."

Her hand covers her mouth as she looks at me with her green eyes and she begins to speak.

"You just had your mouth down there."

"So? You taste good baby; come here and see how good you taste."

She takes her time uncovering her mouth and as soon as her lips are visible I press my lips against hers as I hold her face in my hands so she won't turn away from me again. I slide my tongue into her mouth and within a few strokes of my tongues she is kissing me back. I continue to kiss her as I carefully start to slide my length into her center; when I enter her completely I gasp at the sensation.

"Fuck you feel good Clary."

"So do you. I love you so much Jace."

"I love you…Touch me baby."

I bury my face into her neck as I start to rock into her at an even pace. She has her mouth on my neck as her hands glide across my back and her soft moans increase my pleasure as I increase my speed. The way she is nipping and sucking on my skin sends a deep pulsing sensation all the way down to my toes. My body shudders as a groan escapes my throat and I pick up more speed. I should be going slow but right now I need my release to come faster than I normally do. Between not being inside of her for three days and all the stress of the last twenty-four hours; it has been almost too much for me to handle. Not to mention how unbelievably turned on I am from the way her body reacted to my mouth between her thighs. As much as I want to go even faster I don't increase my rocking because I need to wait for her to find her release first before I can allow my body to shudder with my own.

"Please baby…please I need you to…I can't hold on much longer." I beg as I feel the pressure getting more intense as I near my end.

"It's okay."

"Noooo…please Clary…" My words come out in loud groans as I try to keep control of my body.

I quickly slide my hand down her body and begin circling her center with the tips of my fingers as I continue to rock into her; knowing that with the help of my fingers she will reach her peak faster. Just when I think I can't hold on any longer I feel her center begin to quiver as she finds her release; she sinks her teeth into my shoulder as her nails dig into my skin and for some fucked up reason that small amount of pain causes me to spill into her seconds later. I collapse onto her chest for a moment before rolling off of her to catch my breath. My head is spinning from a mixture of exhaustion and my fast paced pumping and I have to close my eyes to stop the room from spinning out of control. When I open my eyes to look at Clary; I find that she is fast asleep. I pull the covers over the two of us as I lay my head on her stomach. Within seconds my mind shuts down and I fall asleep.

"Jace?...Jace can you get off of me? Please wake up Jace; I really need to pee."

I groan as I roll off of her warm body and bury my head under the pillow with the intensions of going back to sleep for the rest of the day. I must have fallen back asleep because her voice wakes me up and I can smell her soap and shampoo in my nose from her fresh shower.

"Are you going to sleep longer or are you going to get up?"

"What time is it?" I mumble from underneath my pillow.

"It's eleven thirty."

"Sleep longer." I mumble again.

"I am going to go see Simon so I will see you later okay."

"Love you."

"I love you Jace."

"How long are you going to be gone?"

"I'm not sure; maybe an hour or two. Why?"

"Wake me up when you get home."

"Okay."

"Clary?"

"What?"

"Take a weapon with you."

"Jace, its broad daylight and I will be with a vampire; I think I should be safe."

"Please…just take a weapon so I don't worry about you."

"Fine if it makes you happy I will take a weapon with me."

"Thank you baby."

"See you later."

"Give the blood sucker my love."

"Jace…" She groans.

"Kidding. I am only kidding but please tell Simon I said hello."

"Love you."

"I love you baby."

Five minutes later I hear my bedroom door close as she leaves my room and I find that I am wide awake and wishing I would have gotten up and went with her. Fuck the next thirty-three week are going to be absolute torture on me. Worrying about that tiny red head when I am not with her tortures me as it is but now she is carrying my child and before long she won't be able to defend herself if something happens. I flip my phone open and dial the number before I can chicken out.

"_What's wrong Jace?"_

"Nothing. Where are you meeting Clary?"

"_At the coffee shop. Why?"_

"Are you there yet?"

"_Yeah why? What the hell is going on Jace?"_

"I want you to leave there right now and head for the institute to catch up with Clary."

I can hear him release an unnecessary breath and hear him ask someone to put his coffee in a To Go cup.

"_Okay I'm on my way towards the institute. So now that I have done what you have asked me to; will you tell me what this is all about?"_

"I just don't want her to be by herself any longer than she needs to be."

"_Is everything okay?"_

"Yes, everything is fine. Are you walking fast or are you dilly-dallying?"

"Well I'm not running but I'm motoring long pretty quickly. Are you sure everything is okay?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Sorry if I am freaking you out; I guess I just got a strange feeling after she left and decided it would be best if you meet up with her sooner. Maybe I am just being paranoid."

"_Maybe you are paranoid Angel boy but at least I know how much you love my best friend."_

"You couldn't just give me a compliment without throwing in a stab could you?"

"_Should I be on the phone with you when I get to Clary?"_

"No! Fuck no and please don't tell her I called you; she will be pissed."

"_If I don't hang up right now she will be pissed."_

"Thanks Simon."

"_No problem. Bye."_

The little shit hung up on me before I could even say goodbye but I decide to let it go because I really don't want Clary to know that I was freaking out. I shave my three days' worth of stubble after I take a quick shower and head downstairs to find some food. The smell of something horrible coming from the kitchen tells me that Izzy must be attempting to cook again; I cringe as I enter the kitchen.

"Good morning Iz."

"You do realize that it is nearly noon."

"Nearly, but not quite; so it's technically still morning."

"Fine, good morning then."

"What are you cooking?"

"Veggie stir-fry with steamed prawns."

"So you're making shrimp stir-fry?"

"No. I am making what I said I was making. Do you want some?"

"Ah…maybe a little later but for now I think I will just have some cereal."

"Suit yourself; where is Clary?"

"With your boyfriend."

"Oh, he didn't mention anything to me about meeting her today."

"They were getting together for coffee and I think Clary is going to tell him about the baby."

"How come Alec got to tell his boyfriend that Clary was pregnant but I wasn't allowed to tell my boyfriend?"

"Because your boyfriend happens to be Clary's best friend so she gets first dibs on telling him."

"Are you and her really going to be okay?"

"Clary and I are just fine."

"I can see by the hickey on your neck that you two are fine right now but babies can be stressful."

I choose to completely ignore her comment about the hickey that Clary left on me early this morning.

"Alec already said he would be here to support us; will you?"

She spins around and I expect her to look angry or annoyed but instead her eyes are bright and she has a huge grin on her face.

"I can't wait to hold that baby! You will have my support Jace; don't worry about that."

I get up out of my chair and before she can protest I scoop her up in a big hug. Her hair smells like vanilla and her strong arms return my hug with all of her love for me; when I release her we both have tears in our eyes.

"Christ what on earth are you two bawling about?"

With my hand on Izzy's shoulder I turn to see Alec with a cheesy grin on his face and his hands on his hips. I take three steps across the kitchen and hug my brother; he chuckles in my ear and pats my back. When I take my seat at the table once more Izzy surprises me by handing me a cup of coffee and I smile at her; giving her a silent thank you.

"What's this? You give him a cup of coffee but none for me?" Alec huffs.

"You can get your own coffee Alec." She snaps as she turns back to the fowl smelling food on the stove.

"I wouldn't drink that Jace; knowing her she probably poisoned it."

I nearly spit out my mouthful of coffee when Izzy darts across the room and smacks her brother over the head with the wooden spoon that is in her hand.

"Ewe! Isabelle, I am never going to get that smell out of my hair now."

Alec stalks out of the kitchen as Izzy and I laugh at him and we can faintly hear him telling the two of us that we can go to hell as he disappears down the hall.

"Can I ask you something Iz?"

"Sure."

"How do think Simon will take the news?"

"Probably not very well to be honest with you."

"He better not be rude to Clary."

"He's her best friend Jace; I'm sure the news will be hard for him to digest but I doubt that he would ever be rude to her."

"Let's hope you are right about that; otherwise you will probably need to find yourself a new boyfriend."

"Yeah right Jace; you would never touch him because you know how much that would hurt Clary."

"True but I know people. Just because he ends up dead behind some dumpster doesn't mean I would have had anything to do with it. In fact I would make sure to have a solid alibi just for the occasion."

"You love Simon so don't bother denying it Jace."

"Love is a strong word but I do appreciate his love for Clary. I know no matter what he would do anything for her and that simple fact makes me quite fond of him."

"Can I have you repeat that once more while I record you?"

"Very funny Iz."

"This stir-fry is done now if you want to try some?"

Fuck! I would rather dig something out of the garbage than eat the food in that pan.

"Like I said save me some and I will eat it later. The cereal I ate filled me up and I have things to do anyhow so I will see you later."

"Okay Jace."

Normally I would have just told Izzy that I wouldn't feed the food she cooked to a stray dog but we had a little heart to heart and I didn't want to spoil her good mood towards me. I wish Clary would come home already; I miss her and I am worried about Simon's reaction to her pregnancy. I decide to scrub the walls in my bedroom to keep me busy until she comes home. An hour later there are fresh sheets on the bed and my walls are clean; I am in the laundry room dumping the dirty water down the sink when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull my phone out to read the text.

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- Should I walk her home?**_

_**ME: 217-0226- Yes.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – please.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- k.**_

_**ME: 217-0226: Thank you.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- np.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – What?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – NO PROBLEM…DUMBASS!**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – WOW! Really? Dumbass?**_

When Simon doesn't text me back I decide to just leave it alone; I don't know how pissed he is at me for getting his best friend pregnant and I surly don't want to make things any worse than they need to be. I quickly wash my hands and make my way to the front steps of the institute to wait for Clary. I made sure to grab a book off the shelf so I could pretend to be reading when she gets here; I don't want her to know that I knew she was on her way home. Even though I can see her red hair out of the corner of my eye I keep my head down as I pretend to read.

"Jace? What are you doing out here? Were you waiting for me?"

I stand up and kiss her cheek.

"No I wasn't waiting for you I was just reading; it's such a nice day out I thought it would be nice to soak up some sun. I didn't even think you would be back so soon. Hello Simon, how are you today?"

Simon just nods his head at me as Clary nuzzles in for a hug. I don't care if Simon is watching or not I bend down and kiss her soft lips.

"Did you drink coffee?"

"Well yeah Jace; we were in a coffee shop."

"How much coffee did you drink?"

She takes a step back from me and looks up at me because of my strange tone and my persistent question.

"Two, no, three cups. Why?"

"Clary! All that caffeine isn't good for the baby." I scold.

Before I can even see Simon move; he punches me hard in the mouth and tackles me to the ground and grips my throat with his hands. Fuck! Sometimes I forget that he is a vampire and is much stronger than he looks. Clary is screaming but I am focused on what Simon is screaming instead.

"You fucking got her pregnant? You no good piece of shit!"

Clary tries to pull Simon off of me at the worst time because when Simon pulls his fist back to punch me in the face again he ends up elbowing her right in her stomach. Rage consumes my body and I am on top of Simon in a split second; inflicting blow after blow to his face. I know there are words coming out of my mouth but I have no idea what they are; probably a string of curse words. Simon makes no attempt to stop me from hitting him nor does he try to hit me back. I have full intentions of beating him to death when I remember that he elbowed Clary in her belly; her belly where my baby is. I jump off of Simon to see Clary sitting on the edge of the steps with her face buried in her hands as she cries. I drop to my knees in front of her and pull her hands away from her face and I can feel my stomach rolling with panic.

"Clary? Are you okay?"

"I think so…do you think the baby is okay; he got me pretty good."

"Clary! I am so, so sorry." Simon's voice is heartbroken.

"It's okay Simon; you didn't do it on purpose." As much as she tried to soothe her friend with her words her voice cracks and she is now sobbing. I pull her to my chest as I lift her up off the steps.

"Jace, man I am so…"

"Go home Simon."

"But I…"

"I have to take her to the hospital. Go home and I will text you later."

I don't give him time to respond as I begin to carry Clary around the side of the institute towards the garage. I put Clary in my car and get in the other side. I try my hardest not to drive like a maniac on my way to the emergency room but I end up scraping the side of my car against a cement pole when I pull up to the ER doors. I could give a shit less about the deep red gouge in the side of my car as I lift Clary into my arms and rush her inside.

"Help me please! My girlfriend is pregnant and she got hit in the stomach!" I plead with the nurse that is sitting behind the glass window. A door next to the window opens and another nurse comes out and tells me to come into the room. She points to a wheelchair and tells me to put Clary in it. I refuse to do as she asks and I insist on carrying her to where ever they want her to go. Ten minutes later I am holding her hand as we wait for the doctor to tell us what the ultra sound says. As much as I want to fall apart right now I do my best to keep myself together so I don't make my crying girlfriend more upset than she already is. I keep my eyes on her eyes as I gently caress her tear streaked cheek.


	10. Chapter 10

**Song List For This Chapter…**

**Blitzkrieg Bop-Ramones**

**Buzzcut Season-Lorde**

**Bedroom Wall-Banks**

**Flawed-Pop Evil**

**The Mirror And The Ripper-Volbeat**

**The Only Hope For Me Is You-My Chemical Romance**

**Bad Blood-Bastille**

**World Class Fuck Up-New Medicine**

**Take Over-Nick Jonas**

**Little Smirk-Theory Of A Deadman**

**Nirvana-Sam Smith**

**I Want You-Kings Of Leon**

**Eye Of The Needle-Sia**

**Little Things-One Direction**

"Well folks, considering that she is only seven weeks along; it is hard to tell for certain if the fetus is in any danger but seeing where her stomach is bruised I can assure you that her injury is nowhere near the fetus. You see right now the fetus is so tiny that it is still located all the way down here; where it is protected by her pelvic bone."

The look in Clary's eyes mirror the way I feel; relieved.

"Is Clary going to be okay?"

"She will be just fine; you on the other hand could use a couple of stiches in that lip."

"No thank you doctor."

Clary squeezes my hand and I kiss her cheek feeling even more relieved that both her and the baby are going to be okay.

"It is my legal obligation to report violence against woman so I am going to need to know what happened here."

"He didn't hit me; my best friend was hitting Jace and when I tried to stop my friend from hitting Jace he accidentally elbowed me. So you see there is no violence against a woman to report; it was just an accident."

"Okay young lady you can go ahead and get dressed while your boyfriend fills out your insurance information at the front desk. Stay put though because a nurse will be in shortly with your discharge papers."

I give Clary a hug before I leave the room and twenty minutes later she walks out into the hall where I am sitting in a chair waiting for her.

"Are you all done with your discharge papers?"

"Yes, we are free to go now."

As we are pulling out of the hospital parking lot I can hear Clary softly laughing as she looks out the window.

"What are you laughing about over there Clary?"

"Do you know that the reason why they had you fill out my insurance papers is because they wanted to talk to me alone?"

"Why?"

"Because they thought without you in the room I might change my story about what happened."

"That's really not funny Clary; it's a good thing that they do that. Think about it; what if I really did hit you? You would have been too afraid to tell them that with me sitting right there; so they made me leave just in case you were lying."

"I'm sorry for laughing; you're right it isn't even funny. I think I am just so relieved that the baby is okay that maybe I am slightly crazy over it. I am so sorry that Simon hit you Jace."

"No baby, don't be sorry. I promise you that I am perfectly fine and I promise you that I will go see Simon and apologize for attacking him. Didn't you tell Simon you were pregnant?"

"No."

"Why? Isn't that part of the reason why you met him for coffee today?"

"I guess I just chickened out."

"Speaking of coffee; we never got to finish that conversation. "

"Relax Jace; it was decaf."

"Oh okay. I'm really sorry that Simon had to find out about the baby like that."

"I'm sorry about everything that happened after you spilled the beans but I am actually glad that I wasn't the one who told him. I don't think I would have ever been able to tell him."

"So you were just going to wait until your belly was sticking out and let him figure it out on his own?"

"That or I was going to ask you to tell him for me."

"Wow."

"You wouldn't have told him for me would you?"

"No way, he's your best friend and that would be your job to tell him you are pregnant. I would have gone with you though."

"Well none of that matters now because now he knows."

I insist that Clary let me carry her up to my room after we get back from the ER and I insist that she lay down for a while to rest. After I help her change into a pair of pajamas I tuck her into my bed and kiss her forehead.

"Jace, really I'm not tired."

"You don't have to go to sleep Clary…here's the remote; you can find something to watch on TV while you rest for a while. Stress isn't good for you or the baby."

"I'm really sorry about your car."

"Nothing that can't be fixed."

"At least it wasn't me who did it."

"Like that would make a difference."

"It might; you can't be mad at yourself but you could be mad at me."

"You, my sweet girl, are talking nonsense. I got to go now. I won't be gone long so I expect to find you right where I left you when I return."

"You're leaving? Where are you going?"

"I need to go see Simon."

"You two aren't going to fight again are you?"

I lean forward and kiss her cheek and tuck a lock of her red hair behind her ear with a smile on my face.

"There is no need to worry baby. I think all the fist flying is done and over with between Simon and I. I just want to apologize to him in person and to tell him that you and the baby are fine."

"Okay…if you bring me your stele I can fix your split lip for you."

"I can fix it later. Besides I want Simon to see what he did to my face…don't look at me like that Clary; I only want him to see what he did to me so I don't feel so bad about what I did to him."

"Boys…hurry back."

Seeing her roll her eyes in annoyance brings a grin to my face and my heart beat picks up in my chest. I am so overwhelmed with relief that her and the baby are okay that I press my lips to hers. I only meant to kiss her for a moment but when her fingers slide into my hair and her tongue runs along my lip; the kiss gets heated quickly. The fire that burns from our lips makes me almost forget what I was supposed to be doing; tasting the blood in my mouth from my split lip reminds me and I reluctantly break our kiss.

"I'll be back before you know it Baby. Now remember Clary; I love you but if you aren't still in this bed when I get back you are going to be in big trouble."

"I promise to get some rest. Maybe I will have a surprise for you when you get back."

"Really now? What kind of surprise?"

"I don't want to spoil the surprise for you but there is a possibility that I might not be wearing my pajamas when you come back." She purrs.

"I changed my mind; I can just go see Simon tomorrow." I purr right back at her.

"No! Please go see him now; I don't want him to worry any longer than he already has."

"See you in a little bit."

"I love you."

"I love you baby."

When I turn the light on in the garage; I finally get a good look at the damage that I did to my car. Son of a Bitch! I need a new door, a new front fender and I might get lucky enough to pull the dent out of the back quarter panel but the whole passenger side of the car will need a new paint job. Fifteen minutes of fighting through traffic later and I am now parked in front of Simon's apartment building. Finding the elevator to be broken; I take the stairs up to the seventh floor and knock on the door marked 7D. When Simon opens the door I am disappointed to see his unmarked face. Fucking vampires and their rapid healing powers.

"Hey…" He says shyly.

"Hey yourself. Can I come in?"

"S-sure if you want to. How is Clary?"

I flop onto his shitty second hand couch and prop my feet on his even shittier coffee table. I deliberately take my time running my hands through my hair a few times and then place my hands on my lap before looking at Simon. I might not have any intentions of getting into another fight with him and I am fully aware that him elbowing Clary was an accident but that doesn't mean I can't let him sweat a little bit.

"Clary is fine; she is at home resting."

"Thank g-g…damn it why can't I say that word? Is the…how is the…I didn't hurt the…shit."

"I can't understand a word you are saying Simon. Spit it out already."

"Is the baby okay?"

"Yes the baby is fine. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for hitting you Simon but when you hit Clary with your elbow I guess I just lost it."

"I'm sorry for hitting you; when you said the word baby…well I guess I lost it too. What I want to know is why you weren't even fighting back when I was on top of you?"

"You are her best friend; I guess you had the right to hit me for getting her pregnant. Besides you didn't try to stop me when I attacked you after you elbowed her."

"Yeah I know; I think I figured that if I did hurt Clary or her baby then maybe I deserved whatever beating you gave me."

"Well everything is just fine now. Clary and our baby are just fine."

"I just now realized something, that's why you were annoying the hell out of me today about her. You are always protective of Clary but now that she is pregnant you are going to be a nightmare from now on aren't you?"

"Yeah…most likely."

"How did it happen?"

"I am assuming you mean how did I knock up your best friend?"

"Let me guess you just found out the hard way that the pull-out method doesn't work?"

"Who actually thinks the pull-out method works?" I shake my head in disbelief.

"Dumb asses that have unwanted children." Simon says flatly.

"First of all stop calling me a dumb ass and second of all don't you dare call my baby unwanted. Look I am trying so damn hard to not be an asshole to you right now so just watch what you say to me okay."

"Wait; let me get this straight. You meant to get Clary pregnant?"

"No, of course not."

"Then how did it happen?"

"Let me start by say that I have always, always practice safe sex. I have never in my life had sex without a condom but Clary…well she told me she was on the birth control shot and I love her so I figured I didn't need to use condoms with her anymore."

"Clary lied to you about being on the shot?" His voice is heavy with disappointment.

"No Simon, Clary didn't lie to me."

"Then how the hell did she get pregnant?"

"Her last shot came from a defective batch. The doctor sent out a letter but she threw the letter away without reading it because she mistook it for a payment reminder."

"Shit…that…well that kind of sucks doesn't it?"

"It's still a bit of a shock for us to be honest. We just found out yesterday."

"How far along is she?"

"Seven weeks."

"So there is still time to do something about it then?"

"So help me god Simon if you say the word…no…no even I can't say that word again. Clary and I are going to raise this baby together. It's going to be hard and scary as hell but we are committed to doing whatever we need to do to raise our child."

"You're right about that Jace; it will be hard to raise a child. The two of you are so young and you have only been dating for two months. Do you realize that you were only together for a week when she got pregnant?"

"I am familiar with addition and subtraction yes. Look Simon, I love her and I realize I don't have the best track record when it comes to girls but Clary is different. I have never felt the way about anyone like I feel about her. She means the world to me; she is all I am ever going to want. I don't even see other girls anymore. She needs to know that you will still want to be her friend even though she is pregnant. I know the only reason why she chickened out about telling you she was pregnant is because she's worried you will be disappointed in her or something."

"Of course I will still be her friend. Maybe if there were different circumstances behind her getting pregnant I might be slightly disappointed in her or you even but by the sounds of it; this is all some kind of horrible misfortune. I love her too you know."

"I am fully aware of the love you have for my girlfriend."

"Stop it Jace. I don't feel that way about her anymore. I love her as a friend; I love her as a sister. Izzy is the one I…"

"Love? Were you going to say that you love my sister?"

"When can I see Clary? I want to tell her I am sorry in person and I want her to know that I am still her friend and that I will be here for her for whatever she needs."

"You completely dodged my question you know. You can see Clary tomorrow if you want to; I should probably get home to see how she is."

"I thought you said she was fine."

"She is but that whole incident in front of the institute was stressful on her and she needs to have as little stress as possible; it's not good for her or the baby. I put her to bed before I came here but she is a stubborn little thing and I have a feeling she won't be where I left her."

"She is definitely stubborn; she always has been that way and probably always will be."

"I hope you're right about that. I love her stubborn side; even though sometimes she can be a little too stubborn I wouldn't change her for the world."

"She really loves you Jace; she has been in love with you pretty much from her first day at the institute."

"I know."

"If you love her and you knew that she loved you then why did it take the two of you six months to get together?"

"I guess you could say that we were both in denial about our feelings."

"She told me about the night she lost her virginity; told me that she got scared and ran away from you."

"She didn't say that."

"Say what?"

"Lost or lose. She doesn't like those words."

"You're right she didn't use those words…she said 'Simon, I'm not a virgin anymore; I had sex with Jace.' Those were her exact words when she told me. I told her she was stupid to have had sex with you and I told her she should go to the clinic to get bloodwork done to makes sure she didn't catch anything nasty from you."

"Considering my track record I will try my best not to be offended by that."

"No but Clary sure was. She slapped the shit out of me and she screamed so loud at me that it hurt my ears."

"That's my girl."

"Yeah…I wouldn't have expected anything less from her."

"Not that it matters or anything but when exactly did she tell you about that?"

"About six weeks ago; two weeks after you two started officially dating so I guess a month after it happened. Ironically right after she got done slapping me and screaming at me is when she told me that you two were dating and that you were…gag…in love. Now there is new irony to add to the situation considering she was a week pregnant with your child at the time."

"The two weeks between that first time with her and when we finally told each other how we felt were the worst two weeks of my life; of her life too."

"Trust me I know; Izzy gave me updates on Clary every day for a week. I went almost two weeks without seeing her or talking to her and it drove me crazy that I couldn't just walk into her room at the institute and shake the shit out of her. The two weeks following that weren't much better; we talked on the phone and we text but I still didn't see her. Not seeing her face for almost an entire month was hard on me; if it wasn't for Izzy reassuring me every day that Clary was happy as ever I probably would have lost my mind."

"I didn't know she didn't see you for almost a month; but now that I think about it we didn't really leave my room for the first two weeks either."

"Hey now! I don't need to hear that stuff."

"Sorry Simon. I am really sorry that she stayed away from you for so long."

"Water under the bridge now Jace. She is happy with you and that's all I care about."

"Can I ask you something Simon?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"That night I called you for help; when I was too drunk to find my way home; why were you so nice to me? You had ample opportunity to bust my balls the whole way home but you didn't."

"Yeah, I know but something about the look in your eyes told me you were going through something at the time."

"I was slowly losing my mind a little each day. Clary had me so confused and torn up that I couldn't sleep; hell I couldn't even think straight. I couldn't understand why she left my room that night. I couldn't understand why she refused to talk to me and she was so damn angry."

"She feels really bad for what she put you through you know."

"To use your words from earlier; water under the bridge."

"I wonder what Clary's mother would think about her being pregnant if she were still alive?"

Simon mentioning Clary's dead mother makes me slightly uncomfortable; makes me think about my dead parents. My mother died before I was born; I was cut out of her stomach. Since I never knew my mother I really don't have much in the way of feeling when I think about her. My father is a different story though. I was only ten years old when I saw my father murdered right in front of me. Clary's mother was crossing the road one day when she was hit by a garbage truck. Clary told me that after a week on life support the doctors finally convinced her that her mother was only being kept alive by the machines; they said she was brain dead. An hour after Clary's mother passed away Catarina Loss told her that she was a shadowhunter. Catarina is a warlock who was close with Clary's mother and Clary's mother had given Catarina specific instructions to tell Clary who she really was if anything ever happened to her. Poor Clary's life was already turned upside down when she lost her mother but to find out the same day that she had Angels blood running through her veins must have been overwhelming for her.

"You knew her. How do you think she would have reacted to the news?"

"She would have flipped out and you wouldn't have any balls left probably."

"Ouch…can we leave my balls out of our conversation please?"

"Fair enough."

"I get that she would have flipped out but do you think she would have come around? Do you think she would have been there for Clary?"

"Eventually yes. Jocelyn loved Clary more than anything in the world."

"Do you know anything about Clary's father? I have wanted to ask her about him but I get the feeling that it might be a touchy subject."

"Clary's dad died when she was two years old; his death was hard on Jocelyn. When he died Jocelyn left the life of fighting demons and ran away to New York to start a new life with her baby girl. I only know this because Catarina told Clary and Clary told me. Clary struggles with the whole situation. She feels guilty for her ill feeling towards her mother for keeping her from her true life. Did you know that Jocelyn picked moving to New York because there was an institute here?"

"No I didn't know that. I can understand why Clary would have ill feeling towards her mother; I know I do."

"You do? Why?"

"Do you have any idea how dangerous it was for Clary to not be under the protection of the Clave? She could have been killed walking home from your house almost every night. Jocelyn had no right to keep Clary from her life but I can understand her intentions were good. I understand that Jocelyn thought getting out of the life of a shadowhunter was her way of trying to protect Clary. I have very mixed feeling about it to be honest with you."

"Do you realize that you have been here for almost a full hour and not once have you called me bloodsucker?"

"I am trying to be a better person Simon; Clary loves you and I know it upsets her when I call you names. I can't guarantee I won't slip from time to time but Simon is the only name I plan on calling you from now on."

"Do I have to stop calling you Angel boy or golden eyed goon?"

"I can only control myself; what you do is up to you."

"I do you know?"

"What are you talking about Simon?"

"Love your sister. I love Izzy."

"Have you told her that?"

"No."

"Why not? What's stopping you?"

"She doesn't feel the same way about me. There will never be any kind of real future for the two of us so I guess I don't tell her how I feel because I don't want what we do have to end just yet."

"How do you know she doesn't feel the same way about you? Do you realize that Izzy has never dated anyone longer than a week or two? You two have been hot and heavy for eight months now; I told Izzy that was like marriage for her."

"Don't get me wrong Jace we have fun together. We don't go a single day without…well since you are her brother I will spare you the details but we enjoy being together. I think a big part of the reason why Izzy keeps me around is because she does know that there is no future for us."

"I think you are wrong about that but I guess my opinion doesn't really matter."

"To me it does. Your opinion matters to me. All I want is approval from you and Alec."

"We haven't killed you so I think that is all the approval you should need from me and Alec."

"Do you really think she loves me?"

"I think you are blind."

"But do you though?"

"You should ask her that question. Look this has been…well not exactly fun but not terrible either so before it can get terrible I think this would be a good time for me to leave."

"Please tell Clary to call me tomorrow."

"Will do. See you later Simon."

"Oh and just so you know. I am here for you too Jace; you know for what it's worth."

"Thanks." I mumble.

Simon has his hand out as though he wants to shake my hand; I shove my hands in my pockets to give him the hint that I won't be shaking his hand. Fuck just because I am trying to not call him names anymore and even though I have enjoyed (I will never admit this out loud) our conversation doesn't mean I have to shake his hand. If I start shaking his hand on regular basis it will only be a matter of time before the little fucker thinks he can promote a handshake to a hug. I pull one of my hands out of my pocket and open his door and leave without shaking his damn hand. I hear him shout goodbye down the hall and I just wave over my shoulder without looking at him.

After I pick up a pizza I head back to the institute and I am surprise to find Clary right where I left her. She smiles sweetly at me but her eyes are glassy like she had been crying. I quickly sit the pizza box down on my dresser and sit on the bed before taking her face between my hands.

"What's wrong baby? Why were you crying?"

"Nothing's wrong; it was the movie I was watching that made me teary eyed. How did things go with Simon? You were gone a lot longer than I thought you would be."

I kiss her forehead and both of her cheeks and she runs her warm hand across my face; I close my eyes for a moment and enjoy her touch.

"Things went fine with Simon; he wants you to call him tomorrow."

"I will call him in the morning before I go to the training room."

"Excuse me? What do you mean?"

"Jace, just because I am pregnant doesn't mean I can't go to the training room. Before you start your lecture on me; just hear me out okay? I know there are a lot of things I won't be allowed to do during this pregnancy but I can at least use the treadmill and do some light exercises to keep in some kind of shape. If I lay around in bed for the rest of my pregnancy all the hard work I have done will have been for nothing; it will be like starting all over again."

"Okay."

"That's it? Just okay? No argument or protest at all?"

"I think I will choose my battles wisely with you Clary. I think it's great that you want to continue to spend time in the training room; staying in shape will be good for your labor. I trust you not to push yourself too hard."

"How do you know that?"

"I know you wouldn't want anything to happen to our baby so I trust you to pace yourself."

"No not that. How do you know me staying in shape will be good for my labor?"

"I read it on the internet."

"When did you do that?"

"Yesterday when I was in my room. I needed to think about everything but all these questions kept popping in my head about you and the baby. I spent a good hour and a half reading up on pregnancy and labor."

"Wow, so there is a good possibility that you know more about this than I do; all I got is a couple of brochures from the clinic."

"I plan on reading as much information as I can find. Do you want a piece of pizza?"

"What did you get on it?"

"Pineapple and Canadian bacon."

"Yum…I will take two pieces then."

I grab the box of pizza and a roll of paper towels from my bathroom and sit the pizza box on the end of my bed. Clary crawls out of the blankets and snatches a slice of pizza before I can even hand her a napkin.

"I forgot to grab something to drink. I will run downstairs and get us something. What would you like to drink?"

"A glass of milk please."

"Uh…I don't know if we have any milk; what would be your second choice?"

"Just a bottle of water then."

"Okay baby; I'll be right back."

She just nods at me because her mouth is full of pizza as I walk out of our bedroom. Hey look at that; that is the first time I called my bedroom our bedroom. I have a huge grin on my face at this new idea of my room being our room and my bed being our bed. Everything of mine is now ours. I couldn't be happier about this fact.

"What the hell are you grinning about?"

"Just happy. What are you up to Alec?"

"I was just heading over to see Magnus. Izzy told me what happened today; is Clary okay?"

"Yeah she's fine; the baby too."

"How about you Jace? How are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You know you can talk to me."

"I know and if I feel the need to talk to you I will I promise. I am good though; really good actually."

"Have you talked to Em?"

"Fuck! No, I probably should call her shouldn't I?"

"Well yeah. I mean she is your friend Jace."

I pull my phone out of my pocket just as we step off the elevator and dial Emma's number as I wave goodbye to Alec.

"_Hey Jace, how are you?"_

"I'm doing good Em. Look I don't have a lot of time to talk but I just wanted to apologize for yesterday."

"_There is no need to apologize. I take it you and Clary were able to work things out then?"_

"Yes. Clary and I are fine; we are going to raise our baby together."

"_That's…I mean that's great Jace; scary but great."_

"It is great."

"_You're not scared anymore?"_

"Shitless Emma; I'm scared shitless but I am also getting excited about seeing her belly get bigger every day. I can't wait for the day when I can feel my baby moving in her belly."

"_Awe Jace. Look I have some kind of strange moisture in my eyes so seeing how everything is all good on the east coast I will let you go."_

"Okay you bawl baby, talk to you soon. Love you Em."

"_Love you, you asshole."_

When I get back to our bedroom I can't help but laugh because Clary has managed to eat half of the pizza while I was gone. I hand her the glass of milk and grab a slice of pizza from the box before lying on my side across the side of the mattress. We eat our pizza in comfortable silence and when Clary eyes up the last piece of pizza I pick it up and hand it to her before putting the empty box by the door so I can take it downstairs the next time I go down.

I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth when Clary comes in and bumps me to the side so she can brush her teeth with me at the sink. I rinse my toothbrush and turn to leave the bathroom but Clary; in a very un-ladylike manor; grabs my crotch with her hand as she wipes her mouth off on the towel. Her tight grip on me is almost painful but I allow her to pull me towards her as she leans on the sink. My eyes go wide when she hops up on the counter and pulls me to her mouth. Her kiss is fast and hungry as she quickly undoes my pants.

Fuck! What has gotten in to her? A better question would be why don't I have her pants off yet? She wraps her arms around my shoulders tightly as I lift her hips off the sink and remove her pants and underwear. As soon as I sit her back on the counter her hands leave my shoulders to pull my length out of my boxers and she pulls my shaft to the opening of her center wanting me inside of her. She cries out when I enter her not so gently but her hands are wild on my body and she has my ear between her lips. I being to pump into her at a steady pace and when she breathes in my ear that she wants me to go faster; I do as I am asked and pump faster into her. When she asks me to go even faster I hesitate for a moment but quickly recover as I being to pump faster than I ever have with her before.

Clary's body starts to shake and she end up letting go of me to press her palms against the counter to keep herself from falling off the sink. Half the shit on the counter goes crashing to the floor when I shift my hands to grip her tighter so she won't fall. My right hand grips the back of her neck while my left hand winds around her lower back and grips her hip tightly as I pump into her. With my strong arms preventing her from slipping off the sink she removes her palms from the counter and end up knocking more shit to the floor before she wraps her arms around my shoulders. Her release comes on hard and fast and her moans are loud inside of our bathroom.

As she is coming down off her orgasm I start to slow my pumping but she begs me to keep my speed and within a few minutes I spill into her as I climax more intensely that I ever have before. My legs are shaking and my breathing is so heavy that I pull out of her and sit down on the bathroom floor. The room feels like its spinning and I feel so light headed that I lay down on the floor as I continue to try to control my ragged breathing. I look up to see Clary leaning against the mirror with the look of pure bliss on her face. With what little energy I have I sit up enough to pull my t-shirt off and toss it to her. I smile at her as she uses my t-shirt to wipe off her legs and her cheeks blaze a bright red color as she hops down off the sink. I continue to lay on the floor as I watch her put her pajama bottoms back on; leaving her underwear on the floor. Fuck she is so damn sexy. I can hardly move from my exertion yet the thought of her not wearing any underwear fills my body with new excitement.

"How long are you going to lay on the floor?"

"Dunno…" I mumble.

She pulls my boxers back up and fastens my pants before she straddles my hips as she places her hands on my stomach. She smiles sweetly at me and starts to lean forward to I assume kiss me but suddenly she freezes and slaps her hand across her mouth just as she gags loudly. She quickly scrambles across the bathroom floor and reaches the toilet just in time for her mouth to spill out milk and pizza. I get to her as fast as I can so I can hold her hair as she continues to retch loudly. Fuck the smell hits my nose and I have to look away as I breathe through my mouth to keep from throwing up my own pizza on the back of her head. A few minutes later she is no longer retching but she keeps her face over the toilet; not trusting it to be over yet. Holding her hair in one hand I reach over and flush the toilet and have to stretch to pull the towel off the counter and then hand it to Clary. She uses the towel to wipe her face off and then she pulls away from the toilet and I let go of her hair as she leans against the wall.

"You okay baby?"

"That came out of nowhere."

"Maybe we should refrain from such strenuous activity after we eat from now on."

"But it was so-oh good though."

I can't help but laugh at the smile on her face as she remembers what happened in here only a little while ago.

"I couldn't agree more with you there."

"I don't know what came over me. One minute I am just brushing my teeth and the next minute I couldn't get you inside of me fast enough."

"Well whatever it was it was fantastic; my fucking legs are still shaking. You're okay aren't you? That was really fast and I wasn't exactly gentle about entering you."

"I'm okay; better than okay actually but I smell like throw up."

"It's probably in your hair; I tried to get to you as fast as I could."

"You didn't have to do that but thank you."

"I'm happy to hold your hair for you whenever you feel the need to throw up. I can't promise I won't shove you out of the way to throw up with you sometimes; depending on what you eat. That milk and pizza combo was pretty rough."

"It tasted much better the first time around."

"Yuck, that's gross."

"Sorry…I think between the big glass of milk you gave me and that last piece of pizza; it was all just too much."

"Oh, so now it's my fault?"

"Well, no but it's always nice to blame someone else for your problems." She giggles.

"Okay, I'll take the blame this time but next time it's all on you."

"Oh my god! Look at the mess we made."

I glance over my shoulder to see the contents of the sink counter all over the bathroom floor.

"Might I remind you that if you didn't have so much junk on the counter; we wouldn't have made such a mess. Honesty Clary, what the hell is all that shit? Before you took up residence in here I never had a single thing sitting on the counter; that's what the drawers and medicine cabinet are for."

"If the counter wasn't meant to have things sitting on it then why is it so big? I just don't see why I need to waste my time rooting through the drawers for the things I use every day when I can just leave it on the counter. I guess I can put some of the stuff away if it bothers you that much."

"No don't do that; this is your bathroom too."

It only takes me about two minutes to gather everything off the floor and place it back on the counter; once I am done I sit back on the floor and press my back against the wall. Clary has a strange look on her face.

"Why are you looking at me like that Clary?"

"Really? You feel that way?"

"What? Oh you mean when I said you didn't have to put any of your stuff away?"

"No, what you said about this being our bathroom instead of just yours."

"Of course I do. Everything of mine is yours Clary."

"So…your bedroom is our bedroom? Your bed is our bed?"

"Everything Clary."

"What about…"

"Woman you own my heart and you keep a special place in your heart just for me; that's all I care about so nothing else in the world matters to me. These are just rooms and the stuff inside of them is just for comfort and convenience everything else is just unimportant material possessions; none of those things are as important to me as you are."

Color pools on her cheeks and she ends up glancing at the floor because of how intense my eyes are on her; she is lost for words from my confession about how much she really means to me. I stand up and hand her the bottle of mouthwash so she can rinse her mouth out before I walk across the room and turn the shower on. After I strip my jeans and boxers off; I pull her up off the floor and help her out of her clothes. We take turns washing each other in the shower and now she is sitting on the toilet with a towel wrapped around her while she brushes her long red hair. I drink in the sight of her long wet hair; not wanting to miss that exact moment where the air and steam make it begin to curl.

"Why are you staring at me Jace?"

"When aren't I staring at you Clary? You are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on; my eyes can't get enough of looking at you."

"Are you trying to make me throw up again?"

"Wow! Really Clary? Am I not allowed to say nice things to you; tell you how I feel?"

"Don't be so sensitive Jace; I was only joking."

"Fuck…I can take a joke but that particular joke hurt my feelings. I know you say you were just joking but remember I know you Clary and I know how insecure you are about your body. Maybe your little joke was a defense mechanism to hide your insecurities and not really a joke at all?"

I watch her as she absently brushes the end of her hair; her green eyes are focused on the floor and her mouth is turned down in a frown. She can be sad all she wants to be but she knows that what I said was the truth; the truth hurts sometimes. Part of me wants to walk across the room and kiss that frown off of her mouth but a bigger part of me (fucking emotions anyhow) wants to leave the bathroom. I end up leaving the bathroom only to return quickly with one of my clean t-shirts in my hand. Her green eyes are full of regret when I pull her up off the toilet; she continues to look at me as I pull her towel off and then slide my t-shirt on over her head. I take her tiny hand in mine and pull her along behind me to our bed where I lay down and pull her to my side. After pulling the blankets over our bodies; I reach over and grab the remote to turn on the TV.

After flipping through all of the channels three times I finally give up and just leave it on some documentary about Gorilla's. Ten minutes later I have to turn the volume down on the TV so that I can ask Clary to repeat what she was just whispering to me.

"What did you say baby? The TV was too loud so I couldn't hear you."

"I said I am really sorry for hurting your feelings. You say such sweet things to me and not only am I unable to find the right words to respond to you but then I have to make stupid jokes."

"It's okay."

"No it really isn't okay Jace; you are completely right about what you said. I am insecure with my body and I really need to start working on that especially since my body will be changing a lot throughout my pregnancy."

"Just so you know; I will love every single one of those changes. When are you going to get it in that stubborn little head of yours that I adore you? There isn't a single part of you inside or out that I don't cherish Clary; even your stubbornness."

"See…when you say things like that I don't know what to say back to you. I feel like anything I could say would just sound stupid."

"No it wouldn't. You don't have to say things like I do; one look in your eyes tells me all I need to know about how you feel. I can read you like a book Clary; I do my best to let you see how I feel about you when I look at you but I was so closed off from the world before you came along that I feel the need to tell you what kind of thoughts are floating around in my head."

"I love you so much Jace."

"I love you too baby." I kiss her forehead and squeeze her tighter against my side.

"I promise to try harder to be more positive about my body."

"Did you ever do what I asked you to do?"

"When? Asked me what?"

"Remember when I asked you to stand in front of your mirror and take the time to really look at your body? Did you ever do that?"

"Oh yeah I remember that. I sort of did what you asked me to."

"What do you mean you sort of did what I asked you to?"

"After I got out of the shower I stood in front of the mirror but I only looked at myself for probably less than a minute before giving up and getting dressed."

"What do you mean giving up?"

"I just kept seeing all the negative things about my body and I know that you wanted me to see myself the way you do but I just couldn't."

"Since you are taking showers with me now and since you finally…and I do mean finally let me go down on you; I guess I figured things were getting better for you."

"I really am trying Jace. All those things you said to me in the shower makes me think differently about how I look."

"Not that I am trying to stroke my own ego or anything; but what do you see when you look at me?"

"You mean in general or when you are naked?"

"Which ever."

"Well in general I think you are the most beautiful member of the male species that I have ever seen. You have the most unique color of eyes; I think I could look into them all day. You have such strong hands that are so gentle on my body yet you aren't afraid to hold me tight at all the right moments; don't get me started on those long fingers of yours. Your smile makes me melt no matter what is going on around me and how on earth do you get your eyebrows to move the way they do?"

"What about my long fingers?" I purr.

"Stop!" She squeals.

"Okay, I'll stop. Tell me about what you see when I am naked." My tone is playful.

"Oh god, I can see where this will end up going."

"What do you mean?"

"If I start talking about how hot your body is; we might need another shower."

"Is there a problem with that? You know one can never take too many showers."

"I am still trying to recover from what went on in the bathroom an hour ago."

"Me too. Fuck here I am an hour later and my legs aren't shaking anymore but they feel like jelly."

Clary lifts her head off of my chest and begins to run her tiny hand across my waist as she kisses my skin softly. Her warm tongue slides over my hipbone as her fingers inch their way towards my growing shaft.

"Mmm…I almost forgot that you were naked; what a nice treat for me." Her voice is low and throaty.

Her fingers are floating teasingly over my hardness and my hips lift off the mattress on their own accord and a moan escapes my throat when she grips my length in her hand as her kisses travel lower down my hip. Fuck! What is she doing?

"Shiiiit…you drive me crazy Clary." I groan.

She makes a soft humming noise as she continues to kiss my skin and I can't help my heavy breathing as she begins to stroke my length in her hand.

"Thought you were still trying to recover?" Even though I ask her that question the tone in my voice is begging her not to stop what she is doing.

"That doesn't mean I can't find out how you taste." She purrs.

"Fuck Clary! Are you really going to take me in your mouth?" Christ I sound desperate.

She answers my pathetic plea by sliding her wet tongue over the tip of my shaft and my body shudders from the sensation. All the sex we have had in the two months we have been together has been amazing but I love how she is now wanting to explore my body further. Maybe she is doing this because of how good I made her feel when I went down on her? Whatever her reasoning is doesn't really matter; what matters is that she keeps teasing my shaft with her lips and her tongue. Just when I think she might finally take me in her mouth she lets go of my length and lifts her head to look at me; it takes everything in me not to push her head back down to my aching shaft.

"I'm not sure I can do this Jace."

"You don't have to baby." Fuck I can't keep the disappointment out of my voice.

"I want to but…"

"But what Clary?"

"Well my mouth is only so big and well then there is this." She waves her hand over my erection and I fight the urge to laugh at her genuine dilemma.

"Just use your hand." I attempt to sound seductive but the sound of defeat is heavy in my voice.

"Just my hand and not my mouth?"

"Both." I manage to purr sexily to her as I run my finger through her red hair.

Without another word she grips my length in her hand and takes me in her mouth in one swift movement and my throat makes a noise I don't think I have ever made before. With a couple of strokes she manages to match her mouth with the same stroking as her hand and when I feel her teeth drag painfully across the underside of my shaft; I suck in a sharp breath.

"Don't stop Clary but please watch your teeth okay."

From the glow of the TV I can see her cheeks are bright red with embarrassment but to my surprise she makes a slight adjustment with her lips and continues to stroke me with her mouth and hand. Fuck! What is she doing with her tongue? God that feels good. My hand rest gently on the back of her head as it moves up and down between my thighs. She keeps using her free hand to push her hair out of her face so I take both of my hands and slide my fingers into her hair; I use my fingers to twist her hair around one of my hands to keep it out of her face. I slide my other hand across her cheeks and stroke her cheek with my thumb; I feel the muscles in her jaw flexing as she strokes me with her mouth. When she raises her green eyes to look up at me as she continues her delicious mouth movements she looks so fucking sexy that I nearly spill into her mouth just by the way she is looking at me. Her eyes are telling me thank you for holding her hair and I hope she can see the look of pure pleasure in my eyes as I stare back at her.

"By the Angel that feels good baby." I groan.

Her green eyes flutter closed as she increases her speed; she keeps her pace as she shifts her body so that she is sitting on her knees. Her free hand is sliding over my stomach and my ribs; only adding to my pleasure. My fingers tighten their grip on her hair as my hips begin to jerk from her stroking. Fuck I am trying so hard not to move my hips; I am afraid that if I move my hips too much she might take me too far into her mouth and end up gaging on my length. I have to tighten the muscles in my legs and curl my toes to keep my hips from bucking off the mattress. Once again I am overwhelmed by the intense chemistry between the two of us; even though this is the first time she has ever done this before; it's the most amazing thing I have ever felt before; with the exception of the absolute bliss I feel being inside of her. Within minutes I no longer have control over my body or the noises that are coming out of my mouth as she increases her speed once again. Fuck I feel like the room is moving and my body aches from all my tense muscles.

"S-slow d-down…I-I'm getting close baby… I can't…fuck…oh fuck I'm going to cum in your mouth…"

She ignores my pleas and my warnings and her movements freeze when I spill into her mouth. She is trying so hard to swallow but she has tears in her eyes from her repeated gaging that she can't control. I can hardly move but I manage to push her body off of mine so she can hang her head over the side of the bed.

"Spit it out on the floor…go ahead…I will clean it up." My breathing is still so erratic that I'm not even sure she can understand what I am saying to her.

She gags once more and then spits all over the floor before holding her hand over her mouth and then jumps off the bed before she runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut behind her. After rolling off the bed I weakly walk to my dresser and grab the roll of paper towels so I can clean the floor. After I wipe the floor clean I toss the soiled paper towels into my trash can and turn the nob on the bathroom door only to find it locked. I knock softly and wait for a response. Nothing. I think I can hear her say something but then again the sounds I can hear from the bathroom also sound a lot like crying.

"Open the door please." I attempt to keep my voice gentle.

Waiting…

"Clary, come on open this door."

Still waiting…

"Baby are you crying in there?"

Growing slightly impatient…

"Sweetheart I am so sorry if you are sick in there but I just want you to know how much I enjoyed that."

Fuck now I'm getting pissed…

"Please don't push me away." I am surprised at how sad my voice is even though I am angry right now.

I hear the click of the lock but she doesn't open the door; waiting a few seconds I turn the nob and open the door. Clary is sitting on the floor and she is leaning her head against the clothes hamper as she rips apart a wad of toilet paper on her lap. Her eyes are moist and she continues to sniffle but she isn't crying anymore. I walk over and hold my hand out to her.

"Come here baby."

She just looks up at my hand and then she looks into my eyes.

"Please." I coo softly and give her a warm smile.

The corner of her mouth jerks up but she purses her lips to keep from returning my smile as she gets up off the floor. I step forward and pull her body to my naked chest.

"You okay baby? Did you get sick again?"

"No."

"No you're not okay or no you didn't get sick again?"

"I didn't get sick again…almost but no."

"Are you okay then?"

"I'm embarrassed."

"Don't be please."

"What an epic fail that was right?"

"No way Clary! That was fucking amazing. Who gives a shit about you spitting on the floor; I did try to warn you."

"So what was I supposed to do? Get you that close and just leave you hanging?"

"Well no but you could have finished with your hand. You of all people should know how well my t-shirts double as cleaning rags." I chuckle and breathe a sigh of relief when I feel her body shake with her own laughter.

"So other than making disgusting gaging noises and spitting all over your floor I did okay?"

"Dear god woman; so much better than okay. I am really hoping that even though you spit on the floor you might still want to do that again sometime."

"At least next time I will know what to expect. I'm happy I made you feel good."

"So fucking good. Now not only are my legs shaking again but now I feel dizzy; in a good way I promise."

"Maybe you should go lay down before you pass out."

Clary and I leave the bathroom and go crawl into bed where I pull her to my side and she drapes her thigh across my hips as she runs her hands over my waist.

"Jace?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I just want you to know that I was only having trouble swallowing because there was too much in my mouth not because you tasted bad."

"You liked the way it tasted?"

"I wouldn't go that far but it wasn't terrible either. I haven't brushed my teeth yet and I can still taste you in my mouth; do you want to kiss me and find out for yourself?"

"Bring me those lips; I would never turn down a chance to kiss you."

Our lips melt into each other's and her warm tongue slides into my mouth where it meets mine. Our kiss is slow and sensual and the only reason why I break our kiss is because she begins to giggle in my mouth.

"Something funny?"

"Can you taste yourself?"

"Yes."

"Do you like it?"

"Not really but I love kissing you; you taste so much better than I do."

"I actually agree with you on that subject."

"Are you saying you like the taste of yourself Clary?"

"Maybe."

"Holy fuck that's hot."

"Seriously?"

"Slide your hand down about six inches and you will feel just how hot I think that is."

She doesn't slide her hand down but she nuzzles her face into my neck and cuddles close to my side. I begin to rub her back and she yawns against my neck.

"You sleepy?"

"Yes very sleepy."

"Me too; let's go to sleep." I yawn.

"What time is it anyhow?"

"It's actually almost nine."

"Oh not as early as I thought it was then. Yes let's go to sleep; we have training tomorrow."

"Goodnight baby."

"Goodnight."

I wake up before my alarm goes off and I slip out of bed without waking Clary up. After I dress quickly I make my way downstairs to find something to eat before I go to the training room. I am fucking starving this morning. Between Clary eating most of the pizza last night and our physical activity I feel like I could eat half a cow right now. Christ someone needs to go the damn store; there is hardly anything in the kitchen to eat. Finding that there is no milk left; I end up just eating handfuls of cereal out of the box while I scramble the last two eggs in a pan. When the toaster pops out the last piece of bread; I smear butter on it and place it on the plate beside the eggs. Grabbing the…you guessed it…last banana; I quickly cut it up and put it on the plate before heading back upstairs.

Once inside our bedroom I sit the plate of food down and kiss Clary's forehead as I gently stroke her cheek with my thumb.

"You gonna wake up sweetie?"

"Did I sleep through the alarm?"

"No I shut it off before it could go off. Are you hungry?"

"Starving."

"Sit up; I brought you some breakfast."

She sits up and I hand her the sad plate of food.

"Sorry this is all I could scrape up for you; I think I will go get some groceries after I'm done training. There needs to be food in this house for you at all times."

"This will be just fine thank you. As sweet as it is that you brought me breakfast in bed I hope you know you don't have to do this all the time."

"I know. I need to get to the training room before Alec starts screaming at me. Enjoy your breakfast and I will see you later okay."

"Love you."

"I love you baby."

Off to the training room I go. With the help of a quick jog I manage to get into the training room right on time and find that Alec and Izzy are already in here.

"Morning." I chime.

"Mmm…" Alec groans as he wipes the sleep from his eyes; he must have slept in today.

"Good morning Jace! How are you doing today?" Izzy smiles widely at me.

"Good, I'm doing good. Are either one of you planning on going food shopping today?"

"No!" They both say in unison.

"Guess I will go then."

"If you are hungry Jace; I saved you some stir-fry."

For the love of god! I make a mental note to throw away that damn stir-fry the next time I am in the kitchen.

"Thanks Izzy but Clary is pregnant and she needs to have a variety of foods to pick from in the house. Fuck we don't even have any milk in the fridge."

"So go shopping then." Alec chimes in.

"I think we have already established that Alec."

"Oh don't be so moody Jace; I'll go with you if you want me to."

"Good. I would appreciate your help actually since you eat all that healthy shit."

"Well we can talk about all that healthy shit later but right now we have training to do."

A half an hour later and I am sweating too much to be wearing so many clothes and peel my wet shirt off my back; flinging it across the wooden floor. Just as I turn back towards Alec; he kicks me hard in the stomach and I deliberately take a few steps backwards so that I can recover before he can get another blow in.

"Stay focused Jace!"

"You fight dirty Alec."

"So do demons."

"Can't argue with that."

Alec gets a smug grin on his face that I quickly wipe away with one blow of my sharp elbow and I laugh when I see blood at the corner of his mouth. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and lunges forward but I sidestep him and knock him to the ground hard enough to force the air out of his lungs. I then jump on his back and pull his head back with my hands and twist his neck to a near breaking point. I am satisfied when he rapidly slaps his hand on the training mat; tapping out of our sparing match. I raise my hips enough to flip him over on his back and pin his arms to the mat before looking down at his blue eyes. My throat makes a disgusting noise as I collect spit in my mouth and I let a small stream of drool stream from my mouth; the drool gets dangerously close to Alec's face before I suck it back into my mouth. 

"Get off me you sick fucker!"

He tries to hide his laughter as I let the drool slip from my mouth again.

"Jace! What on earth are you doing?"

Clary's high pitched voice makes me jump and I end up losing my stream of drool and it lands on the side of Alec's face.

"Ewe…get off me." Alec huffs.

I get off of Alec and watch Clary as she stalks over to the two of us with her hands on her hips.

"Honestly Jace; when are you ever going to grow up? You have a child on the way for crying out loud."

As much as I want to laugh at her mouthy-ness; I don't dare because she actually looks pissed. I need to be careful with what I say to her so I don't piss her off further but before I can say anything Alec begins to speak.

"Lighten up Clary; we were only goofing around."

"You guys are supposed to be training not goofing around."

"So let me get this straight; just because Jace is going to be a father does that mean he can't have fun anymore? Sorry Jace but daddy's have to be all boring and super serious all the time." Izzy's tone is harsh.

"It's your turn now Jace. Now you get to tell me how much of a sour puss I am." Clary's eyes are beginning to get glassy with the threat of tears.

I stand up and walk over to her; once I reach her I kiss her cheek and pull her in for a hug.

"What's wrong Clary?" I whisper in her ear.

"I realize how much I was overreacting but I feel like I am three against one right now."

I let go of Clary and spin around to look at my sibling's; with my hands on my hips I narrow my eyes at the two of them.

"Tell her you're sorry; both of you."

"No don't. Please don't apologize I was overreacting." Clary's voice is shaky.

I keep my eyes narrowed at my brother and sister; my eyes are telling them that they need to apologize even though Clary said they didn't have to.

"Sorry Clary." Alec mutters.

"Me too Clary; I'm sorry too." Izzy's apology is more sincere than Alec's.

I feel Clary bury her face against my sweaty back and I can hear her crying. I leave her where she is so I can say what I need to say to my brother and sister.

"Okay, here is the deal. Clary is pregnant and she is going to be moody and emotional at times; in time she is going to feel tired and sick sometimes and maybe even in pain too as her body starts to change so we all need to be a little more sympathetic to her feelings. I am not saying that we should baby her or let her get away with murder just because she is pregnant but she has a shit load of crazy hormones running through her body right now and she needs us to be patient and understanding."

I turn around and put my arms around Clary as I kiss the top of her head. The training room is silent as I rub her back to soothe her. After a minute I bend down and put my lips to her ear so I can whisper to her.

"You okay sweetheart?"

"Embarrassed."

"Don't be; it's okay. Do you want to skip training today?"

She pulls herself out of my arms and looks up at me with a small smile on her face.

"No. I want to stay in shape."

"Okay, what do you want to start with?"

"No don't worry about me; you go on back to your training. I might need a few days to figure out a routine that is comfortable for me."

"Okay baby; let me know if you need anything."

"I will thank you."

The rest of the morning goes by pretty fast considering my siblings don't have much in the way of conversation since I basically scolded them about being more understanding with Clary. I try my best not to watch Clary as she runs on the treadmill and practices tai chi. I have to bite my tongue when she starts to practice her kicks and jabs on the swinging bag; surly some of her strained movements could be harmful to the baby? I need to trust that she won't push herself too hard. When lunchtime rolls around we all decide to go to taki's to eat. I have managed to avoid Kailea for almost two months but today my luck has finally run out because she has a big grin on her face when we walk into the restaurant.

"Well if it isn't some of my favorite people." Kailea's voice drips with sweetness.

Alec and Izzy both say hello to Kailea as I slide into the both but before I can pull Clary down to sit beside me Izzy grabs her arm and has Clary sit beside her instead. Alec flops down in the booth beside me and pulls his phone out of his pocket. He keeps his phone on his lap under the table as his thumbs fly over the buttons; knowing him he is probably texting his boyfriend. I decide to make his texting hard by continuingly bumping his arm with my elbow; his pathetic attempt to ignore me only makes me bump him more.

"Will you knock it off Jace?"

"Nope; I expect your undivided attention. You know how jealous I get when you text your other boyfriend in front of me."

He looks at me with his blue eyes and his face is anything but amused.

"What is wrong with you today? You are in the strangest mood."

"I'm in a good mood." I grin.

"I'm not sure I like your so called good mood; I think I would rather you be your usual asshole self."

"Hopefully Asshole Jace will be making fewer and fewer appearances from now on." I say honestly.

"Seriously?"

"Yes Alec, seriously."

"Well I guess that is a good thing but you know me; I have always had trouble accepting change. This newly appointed good mood of yours will take me a little while to adjust to."

I stick my fingers in his dark hair and make it messier than it already is.

"Awe poor Alec doesn't like change." I mock playfully.

He punches me hard in the ribs and turns his body away from me so he can continue to text on his phone. I decide that I have picked on him enough and for the first time since I sat down I look across the table at Clary. Her and Izzy are smiling in amusement at my playfulness.

"What are you two beautiful girls smiling at?" I really am in a good mood today.

"Well I don't know what they are smiling at but I know seeing your handsome face always brings a smile to my face." Kailea purrs as she holds her pen and notebook in her hands.

Fuck! There goes my good mood and the sweet smiles on both my sister's face as well as my girlfriends face; now they are both pretending to study the menus that Kailea put on the table.

"Hey Kailea do you know what kind of soup there is today?" Alec asks her as she continues to shamelessly stare at me.

"Cream of potato and chicken vegetable." She doesn't even bother to look at Alec she just continues to stare at me.

"I'll take a diet coke." Izzy tries to get Kailea's attention.

Finally she peels her eyes off of me and scribbles on her note book. She surprises me when she asks Clary what she wants to drink before she asks me; usually she pretends that Clary doesn't even exist.

"I would love one of your orange blossom and honey smoothies."

"Alec? What do you want to drink?"

"Oh…um…sweet tea I think."

"Are you sure?" Kailea raises her eyebrow at Alec's uncertain answer.

"Yes. Sweet tea will be just fine, thank you."

"And how about you Jace?"

"I want one of the smoothies that Clary ordered."

"Well isn't that so sweet of you to order the same thing as your girlfriend Jace?"

I watch as Kailea peels her eyes off of me and turns her attention towards Clary with a deceiving smile on her face. Clary smiles sweetly at Kailea and nods her head in agreement. Kailea rolls her eyes as she looks back at me and she taps her ink pen on her order booklet.

Do you all still need a few minutes or do you know what you would like?"

Alec, Izzy and Clary all at the same time tell her that they know what they want. Kailea raises her eyebrows at me to see if I know what I want. I don't but I wave my hand towards the girls figuring that by the time she comes back to me I will figure it out.

"Go ahead with your order Clary." Kailea says as she continues to stare at me.

"I would like to try one of your grilled chicken salads."

"Large or small?"

"Better give me the small and do you recommend a certain dressing for that?"

Kailea rolls eyes eye's again and finally stops staring at me to look at Clary. Her tone is bored and clipped as she answers Clary's question.

"Most people order the house dressing with the grilled chicken salad; it's sort of like a sweet and sour."

"Okay that sounds good."

"Do you want cheese and fries on your salad?"

"No fries but I'll take the cheese."

"Izzy?"

"I want a Taki burger and a bowl of your cream of potato. I don't want any onions on my burger though."

"And you Alec?"

"Grilled chicken salad for me too; a small one. No fries, no cheese and I want oil and vinegar on the side please."

"Last but not least; what would you like Jace." Fuck! I hate the way she is looking at me; I feel sweat bead up on the back of my neck as she stare's dreamily at me.

"You know, I think I want a grilled chicken salad too; better make mine a large though and I want the cheese and the fries on mine."

"What kind of dressing?"

"Ranch."

"Okay I will put this in and be back with your drinks in a little bit."

After she fucking winks her blue eye at me she walks away from the table but she forgot to take our menus; she never does that. She is acting a little strange today; she is still drooling over me but she is acting strange none the less.

"Since when do you eat healthy Jace?"

"What are you talking about Alec?"

"Salad and a smoothie all in the same day; that's pretty healthy shit for you."

"Clary ordered a salad and you aren't questioning her."

"She's pregnant so she should be eating better; you on the other hand might reject all that healthy stuff at one sitting. Owe! Izzy! Why did you kick me?"

"Leave Jace alone; maybe he is just trying to be supportive to Clary."

"Thank you Izzy." I smile at my sister.

"In fact when Kailea comes back I think I will change my order to a grilled chicken salad as well."

"Izzy you don't have to do that."

"Clary I want to; besides I shouldn't be eating the red meat anyhow."

"Damn." Clary swears under her breath.

I reach over and take her hand in mine and she looks at me from across the table. Her red hair is tied up in a knot on the top of her head and there is a thick strand lying on her cheek that must have escaped from the knot. I reach across the table and tuck her hair behind her ear and run my fingers down her cheek.

"What's wrong Clary? Are you mad that Izzy is canceling her burger and now you won't be able to sneak a bite of it?"

"Yes."

"That's what I thought. Next time I'll get a burger and you can have a bite of mine. I can't eat healthy all the time; I think I would die without at least three or four servings of red meat a week."

We have been finished with our lunch for a few minutes but we continue to linger in our seats; avoiding going back to the training room for the rest of the afternoon. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out to read the text message.

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Is Clary with you?**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – Yeah why?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – She isn't answering her phone.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – She probably left it at home. We're all at Taki's.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – K.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Wait we? Does that include Izzy too?**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – Yep. Izzy is probably texting you right now. She has her phone out.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- Wow…no she's not texting me…she hasn't text me since yesterday. Apparently no one wants to talk to me.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – I'm talking to you or am I no one? **_**: - (**

_**Bloodsucker:217-217-9437- **_**: - |**

_**ME: 217-0226 – You okay?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- Peachy.**_

"Who are you texting?"

I look up from my phone to see Clary looking at me. I think about lying to her and telling her I am texting Em but decide it's best not to lie to her. I hold my finger up to ask her to wait a minute while I send another text.

_**ME: 217-0226 – Are you sure? Do you want me to give her my phone so she can call you?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – No…it's fine…I'm sure she will get ahold of me when she has time. **_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9237 - Don't tell her I text you.**_

_**ME: 217-0226- No can do, she is sitting right across from me and she already asked me who I was texting. I will not lie to my girlfriend. Not even for someone as handsome as yourself : - )**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Shit...**_

_**ME: 217-0226- Sorry Simon.**_

When he doesn't text me back I shove my phone in my pocket and nudge Alec with my arm so he will let me out. I take Clary's hand and we follow Alec and Izzy out of the restaurant. Before we can get the whole way out I feel someone grip my other arm tightly; I turn around to see Kailea with a smile on her face.

"What do you need Kailea? We left the money on the table." I feel Clary grip my hand tighter.

"I just wanted to give you a piece of your favorite pie before you go."

"I didn't order any pie."

"I know that but it's the last piece and I know how much you love coconut cream pie; so take this on the house Jace."

"Um…okay thanks I guess."

"You're welcome Jace; enjoy your pie sweetheart."

Clary practically drags me out of the restaurant and her low growl almost makes me chuckle.

"So, who was that you were texting? Was it Em?"

Clary is looking up at me as we walk down the sidewalk and I hold my finger up to my lips in a shushing motion as I point to the back of Izzy's head. Clary looks at Izzy and then back at me before shrugging her shoulders. I am relieved that she doesn't mention anything about Kailea's ridiculous behavior today. When we get back to the training room I keep Clary's hand in mine as I stand at the doorway.

"We will be right in; I need to talk to Clary real quick."

I wait for Alec and Izzy to disappear into the training room before I look at Clary.

"I was texting Simon."

"You were? Why?"

"He text me first so I text him back."

"But what were you two texting about?"

"You. Why haven't you talked to him yet? You said you were going to call him this morning."

"Well yeah but…"

"But what? Clary he is your best friend and he misses you; you should go see him."

"Right now?"

"Sure, why not?"

"I have training."

"I think it would be fine if you blew it off to go make things right with your best friend."

"Simon and I are fine. I want to finish training for the day. I promise after I'm done for the day I will text him and see if he wants to see me."

"Will you at least go get your phone and text him now? Tell him you want to get together with him after you are done for the day. Don't leave the poor guy hanging."

"I can't believe how protective you are being over Simon. Are you feeling alright Jace?"

"Please just go text him Clary."

"Okay, I'll be right back."

"Take your time, in fact maybe instead of texting him you could call him and talk to him for a little bit; I think he would really like to hear your voice."

"Okay this is just getting a little too weird right now so I think I will go call Simon. See you later."

I wait for her to disappear around the corner before poking my head into the training room.

"Izzy can I talk to you real quick?"

"Sure."

"Um…do you mind coming out here? This is kind of private."

I avoid Alec's blue eyes so I don't have to see how offended he looks. Izzy takes her time crossing the room and once she is out in the hall with me I pull the door shut so Alec can't hear our conversation.

"What's up Jace?"

"What's going on with you and Simon?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did you two get into a fight or something?"

"No…not that it's any of your business."

"Who were you texting at lunch today?"

"Si…"

"Don't you dare lie to me Izzy; I was texting Simon so I know you weren't texting him."

"You need to mind your own business Jace."

"Look Izzy you really shouldn't…"

"I am so done talking to you right now. I will say this one more time Jace; mind your own business."

Izzy stalks back into the training room and I follow a short distance behind her; once again avoiding Alec's eyes as I begin to roll up the training mats. Twenty minutes later the three of us are practicing throwing weapons at targets when Clary comes back into the training room with a smile on her face. I raise my eyebrow at her and she just nods her head while still smiling as she heads over to the treadmill. I assume things are good between her and Simon and don't think about it again for the rest of the afternoon. At four thirty we all decide to cut our day a half an hour short and we all leave the training room.

"I'm meeting Simon at the coffee shop after I take a quick shower." Clary says as I take her small hand in mine.

"I can walk you to the coffee shop."

"You don't have to do that; besides you need a shower and if the two of us get a shower together I will be late; I don't want to upset Simon. He sounded sad on the phone when I talked to him."

"It's either I walk you there or Simon meets you here. Please don't fight me on this Clary."

"Fine you can walk me to the coffee shop but you are not getting in the shower with me…oh please don't look at me like that…now I feel bad…I just really don't want to keep him waiting."

"I understand. Go ahead and get your shower; I will grab one when I get back from walking you to the coffee shop."

She hops up and kisses me on the cheek before she closes the bathroom door. I pull my phone out of my pocket and send a text.

_**ME: 217-0226- I am going to walk Clary to the coffee shop. Would you mind walking her home after? If not I can come back and get her.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – I can walk her home. Sorry I wasn't thinking when she said she would meet me at the coffee shop. I should have told her I would meet her at the institute. Guess I'm still getting used to the idea of Clary being pregnant.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – Thanks Simon…yeah I guess it's an adjustment for all of us.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – Any luck with sis yet?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Haven't heard from her.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – I'm sure she will come around.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – who knows…**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – Clary just got out of the shower so we will see you in about 15.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – K**_

After I drop Clary off at the coffee shop I grab a quick shower and head to Alec's room to see if he will still go to the store with me; I really could use his help with getting the right foods for Clary. His bedroom door is open and he is lying on his bed with a towel wrapped around his waist; he has his phone in his hands.

"Texting your boyfriend again?"

He looks at me with a smile on his face; his wet hair sticks up wildly from the top of his head.

"Actually I'm not; I was playing a bubble busting game."

"Whatever that is. Are you still going shopping with me?"

"Yeah just let me get dressed real quick and I'll meet you downstairs. Are we taking your car?"

"Yeah, I want to get a bunch of shit and I don't feel like lugging it all onto the subway."

When Alec gets in my car he has a strange look on his face.

"Why are you looking at me like that Alec?"

"Should I even ask what the hell Clary hit with your car?"

"She didn't hit anything; I did."

"Shit! Really? What happened?"

"I scraped a cement pole at the emergency room."

"Oh…well that sucks."

"It's just a car Alec. I can always fix it or get another one; I can't get another Clary."

"True, but I know you love this car."

"I do love this car but Clary is more important to me than a five thousand pound hunk of metal."

By seven thirty we finish putting all of the groceries away and I text Clary to see if she is home. When she text me back telling me that she was in our room; I text her back telling her to meet me in the kitchen. The fridge is packed full as well as most of the cupboards and the fruit bowl on the counter is overflowing with a variety of fresh fruit. The almost six hundred dollars' worth of groceries should last the four of us for quite a while. Clary comes into the kitchen and I lift her into my arms to hug her tightly. I kiss her softly after I put her down.

"I missed you baby."

"Awe…I missed you too Jace."

"Did you eat any dinner?"

"Yes, Simon took me out for Chinese. I ate way too much; I feel bloated."

"I will just grab a sandwich then. No sense cooking a meal just for myself."

"Sorry Jace; you're not mad that I didn't wait to eat with you are you?"

"No not at all. In fact I'm glad you already ate; meal times are important for you."

"You didn't happen to go the pharmacy while you were out by any chance?"

"Shit that's what I forgot."

"That's okay; I can just go tomorrow."

"No, I went to the pharmacy; I just forgot to grab your prescription out of the glove box. I will go grab it for you as soon as I am done getting something to eat."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

After I pig down three sandwiches I run down to the garage to get Clary's prenatal vitamins out of the car. When I return to the kitchen I find Clary leaning against the counter eating ice cream right out of the container.

"I thought you were bloated?"

"I am but when I saw this ice cream in the freezer I just had to have a couple of bites."

"Is it good?"

"More than just good actually; I have a feeling I am going to get so fat during this pregnancy."

"Just be careful you don't over eat; I think that's probably why you got sick last night."

I watch as she closes up the ice cream and puts it back in the freezer before she tosses the spoon in the sink. She has her eyes cast down towards the floor and her mouth is turned down into a sad frown. I walk over and slide my long fingers under her chin and gently lift her head up so she will look at me.

"You okay baby?"

"I don't want to get fat." Her voice is weak.

"You're pregnant Clary; you are going to put weight on. Don't worry about what the scale says; just focus on eating right and staying active and you will be just fine."

"Will you still love me if I get fat?"

Oh for fuck sakes she is so emotional right now; I have a feeling that no matter what I say to her she will still be freaking out. I pull her mouth to mine and kiss her deeply for several minutes; when I break our kiss my heart is pounding and her eyes are filled with longing. Now that I've got her calmed down I keep my eyes locked on hers and my voice is as smooth as honey when I begin to speak.

"Listen closely to me Clary. I love you and I am always going to love you. All this on the outside doesn't even matter because one day we will both be old and wrinkled and my love for you will be just as strong; probably stronger. I don't know how it's possible but somehow I fall in love with you more and more every day."

"Awe…you are just too sweet Jace."

She wraps her tiny arms around my waist and snuggles in for a hug for a moment before looking at me with a smile on her face. I brush her cheek with the back of my hand as I look into her green eyes and can't help but notice how tired she looks.

"You look tired Sweetheart."

"I am pretty tired."

"Let's go to bed then."

"I think I might soak in the tub for a little bit."

"Are you sore?"

"No, just need to clear my head I guess."

"Clear your head? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Don't look so worried Jace. I got home an hour ago and decided to do some reading until you got home; some of the stuff has me a little shook up that's all."

I hold her hand in mine as we step off the elevator and head for our bedroom.

"What were you reading about?"

"Labor."

"I see. What has you so shook up about it?"

"Well obviously the pain part of it and I watched this one video that really freaked me out."

"What was the video of?"

"It was a close up of a woman giving birth; seeing that…what happens to a woman's…never mind."

I just shake my head at her as I turn on the water to start her bath for her.

"Bubbles?"

"You have bubble bath?"

"Yeah so?"

"Do you ever use it?"

"Sometimes. Don't bother blabbing about it to anyone because I will completely deny it."

Clary covers her mouth to try to keep from giggling as I pour the bubble bath under the faucet; the bubbles start to build up nicely under the warm water. The smell of grapefruit fills the room and I absently wonder if Clary would welcome me into her bubble bath with her.

"Mmm…that bubble bath smells really good."

"It's the only kind I could find that didn't smell like flowers. I can't understand why they don't make manly smelling bubble bath; like sometimes we don't have bad days too."

"Jace?"

"Hmm."

"Have you ever hid under your blankets and cried while eating a whole package of cookies before?"

"No! I would never do that. I always lock myself in the closet to cry and eat cookies." I try my best to sound serious but I end up laughing.

I sit on the edge of the tub and watch Clary undress in front of me; she glances at herself in the floor-length mirror before she quickly turns away from it. I jump up off the edge of the tub after I shut the water off and grab her arm before she can get into the tub. She looks at me in confusion.

"What are you doing Jace?"

"Come here for a minute; I want to show you something."

I keep my hand wrapped around her arm and pull her towards the mirror. The confused look on her face makes me smile softly at her as I grab her shoulders and turn her around so that she is facing the mirror.

"Jace? What is this all about?

"Look how sexy you are Clary." I whisper against her neck before planting a small kiss on her skin.

"My bathwater is going to get cold."

"Who cares; I can add more hot water to it. Please look at yourself."

I watch her green eyes move over her reflection in the mirror; they are moving too fast over her body for her to really see what she is even looking at.

"Try this…watch my hand…look where I put my hand on your body." I coo in her ear before I run my tongue across her earlobe and her body shudders.

She does what I ask; her eyes follow the movement of my hand on her body. As my hand moves slowly over her body I begin to tell her all the things I love about her body. Between each comment I make about her body; I take the time to kiss her skin a few times before moving on. When I catch her eye in the reflection of the mirror; I can't help but smile at how much desire burns in her bright green eyes.

"Now do you see?" I purr.

"Yes." She breathes.

"Everything about your body turns me on Clary."

"I can see that now."

"Everything you do to my body feels good; every touch and every kiss. The noises you make when I touch you are music to my ears."

Her eyes flutter closed and she moans softly when I slide my fingers between her thighs to touch her wet center.

"Watch me Clary."

She opens her eyes and focuses on my fingers as they move slowly over her sensitive skin.

"Feel good baby?"

"Yes."

"I can see how good I am making you feel; watch your face while I touch you."

Her eyes travel higher so she can watch her face as I continue to stroke her; my lips move across the skin of her neck and shoulder. Her moans are getting stronger and her hips begin to swirl as she gets closer to her release.

"So fucking sexy." I purr.

Her eyes focus back on my stroking fingers as she moans softly. I take her hand in my free hand; lacing my fingers over the back of her hand as I press her tiny hand against her chest. I use my hand to make her own hand caress her soft breast. When I release her hand a groan comes from my throat because she continues to caress her body with her hand. Fuck that's hot! Using my free hand once more; I slide my hand across her waist and take her free hand in mine and pull her fingers down between her thighs. I quickly replace my fingers with hers and I groan again as she begins to stroke her clitoris with her tiny fingers. Now with both of my hands free I begin to glide my fingers across her skin as I watch her pleasure herself in the reflection of the mirror.

"See how beautiful you are. See how fucking sexy you are Clary."

"Y-yes." Her voice is low and husky and her green eyes are drinking in the image of her self-pleasure.

"Watching you touch yourself makes me so damn hard baby."

"I like that; I like you watching me." She purrs.

By the Angel! Her eyes, her voice, her swirling hips, her tiny hands pleasuring her own body; fuck! I want her so bad right now. Now I understand why there are mirrors above the beds in trashy hotels. Her moans grow louder as she reaches her peak and she rolls her head against my shoulder before she turns around and wraps her arms around me for a hug. As much as I want to push her up against the wall and slide into her sweet center; I decide to let her take her bath instead. I scoop her tiny body up in my arms and carry her to the tub where I gently lower her into the bubbles.

"Enjoy your bath baby."


	11. Chapter 11

**SONG LIST FOR THIS CHAPTER…**

**What If I was Nothing-All That Remains**

**Heaven Knows-The Pretty Reckless**

**Earned It-The Weeknd**

**Wasteland-10 Years**

**45-Shinedown**

**Same Damn Life-Seether**

**Love The Way You Hate-Like A Storm**

**Cold-Crossfade**

**Renegades-X Embassadors**

**Believe-Mumford &amp; Sons**

**Hallelujah-Panic! At The Disco**

**I Am-Awolnation**

**Cold Blood-Aocalyptica**

**Pray-Falling In Reverse**

THREE MONTHS LATER (Twenty weeks pregnant.)

I have been awake for an hour now and I didn't sleep well last night because I'm too excited to start this day. Since the alarm will be going off in twenty minutes I reach over and turn it off; deciding that Clary will wake up in a better mood if I kiss her awake. I pull the blankets off her body and lift her (my) t-shirt up over her belly; her belly is round and hard as I slide my hand over her skin. I begin to kiss her belly as I whisper good morning to our baby.

"Can you feel the baby moving Jace?"

I look up at Clary as I press my hand against her stomach; feeling the tiniest movement. I smile at her as I kiss her mouth.

"Good morning."

"Morning. So can you feel it?"

"Yes I can feel the baby moving; barely but I can feel it."

"I am so glad that we finally get to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. It will be so nice to say things like she is moving or he is pushing on my bladder."

"Not to mention we can finally make a decision about a name."

"I just hope finding out what we are having will help us make the decision easier. Right now we have four different names picked out."

"After this morning that list will be cut in half if that makes you feel any better."

"Did you get any sleep at all Jace? You look tired."

"Too excited to sleep I think."

"I'm super excited too but I slept really well last night."

"I know you did; maybe it was your snoring that kept me awake." I joke.

"I am going to go get in the shower so I can shave my legs real quick; I was too tired to bother with it last night."

"Do you need any help with that?"

"No! I think I can manage on my own. All though there is a good possibility that someday soon I may need your assistance; this belly gets much bigger I won't be able to even see my feet anymore."

I roll out of bed and walk over to my dresser to get some clothes. I smile widely when Clary climbs out of bed and slips my t-shirt off of her body; tossing it to the floor. Since my mirror experiment three months ago Clary is no longer shy about her body.

"It's hard to believe that you are halfway through your pregnancy already; seem like just yesterday your best friend was punching me in the face for getting you knocked up."

"Oh shit!"

"What's wrong?"

"We are finding out the sex of our baby today."

"Yes dear I am aware of that; why are you freaking out about it Clary?"

"Izzy." She states simply.

"That's right; after today you won't be able to avoid going shopping with her anymore. I don't know why you hate shopping so much Clary."

"I just do. I have a feeling she is lingering in the hall with a handful of sales flyers; just waiting to pounce on me."

"No way; trust me my sister is still sleeping like the dead in her room right now. I can see by the look on your face you must be wondering how I could possibly know that. I got up to get something to drink at four thirty this morning and she was just getting home; that's how I know she is still sleeping. She will be out like a light until at least noon today."

"Thank goodness for that. Jace? How much do you love me?"

"What would you like for breakfast?"

"You know me so well. Do we have any bagels left?"

"I think so but what would be your second option?"

"Well if there are any bagels left; I would like it toasted with butter on it and some fruit on the side. If there aren't any bagels left then I will just eat some more fruit."

I place my hands on her belly and kiss her forehead before heading downstairs to make her breakfast. Luckily there is one more bagel left and I pop it in the toaster before I begin to cut up some fruit. I can't help but chuckle when I remember the day Clary woke up one morning and said to me: 'The baby is hungry for a bagel.' I laughed at her and said: 'Sure Clary; I bet the baby is hungry for a bagel and not you.' I laughed even harder when she narrowed her green eyes at me and insisted that she was hungry for some fruit but who was she to deny our baby of it's craving for carbs. So, pretty much every day for the last month Clary has had a bagel and fruit for breakfast. She pouts for the rest of the day when we run out and she gets stuck eating cereal instead. I admit that I keep her spoiled because god forbid we run out of something that she likes to eat; I will run right out and get more of what she wants.

Thankfully Clary has not taken too big of an advantage of my spoiling ways. She has had a really easy pregnancy so far. Other than a few bouts of dizziness and a couple of sudden trips to the toilet; her symptoms have been fairly minimal in comparison to the horrors I read about on the internet. Last week she woke me up in the middle of the night because her hips were bothering her and she couldn't get comfortable. I told her that she should put a pillow between her knees to relieve the pressure but she refused; instead she just pulled my leg in-between her knees and told me I could be her pillow from now on. I think when I go pick up the crib in two weeks I will pick her up a body pillow; she will sleep more comfortably with her legs wrapped around that than around me. She has been burdened with terrible night sweats with her pregnancy and most nights she wakes up soaked in sweat from having her body wrapped around me. Sometimes she wakes up sweating on more than one occasion during the night and she ends up being a little on the grumpy side for a day because of her broken sleep. I keep trying to get her to take naps during the day but the stubborn little thing refuses to humor me; she just walks around yawning all day.

I no sooner put Clary's breakfast on the table and sit down with my cup of coffee when she walks into the kitchen. She has on one of her cute little maternity shirt today; this one is white with little yellow flowers on it and her swollen breast look amazing in it; she has gone up a full cup size in the last two month. She put up a rather loud fight about Izzy's insistence to go shopping for maternity clothes when most of her clothes just became too small to accommodate her growing belly anymore. Izzy and her were at the mall for barely an hour but considering the amount of bags Clary returned home with you would have thought they spent the entire day shopping. Clary hates shopping but when she puts her mind to it; she can be a very sufficient speed shopper. Even though she has plenty of comfortably fitting (might I add that they are totally adorable on her as well) clothes she mostly just wears my t-shirts with some kind of stretchy pants around the house.

"I can see that today is going to be a good day Jace." She smiles as she sits on my lap.

"Of course it will be a good day. Today we find out if we are having a little Jace or a little Clary; what could be more exciting than that?"

"I was really only referring to being happy about eating a bagel for breakfast but yes you are right."

I kiss her neck and rub her belly as she takes a bite out of her bagel. I have to fight the urge to giggle when she makes an 'mmm' sound as she chews her food.

"My beautiful pregnant girlfriend can be so one track minded sometimes." I coo into her ear.

"Not me; the baby. The baby wants to eat a bagel and it's my job as the baby's mommy to oblige."

My mouth drops open but I quickly close it and grin widely at her when she looks at me in confusion.

"What are you grinning about Jace?"

"You said mommy; that's the first time you called yourself mommy."

"By the grin on your face am I to assume you are happy about this?"

"Daddy is very happy about this." I growl into her ear before I gently nibble her skin.

"You two have a bedroom for a reason you know."

I look up to see Alec shuffling into the kitchen; his dark hair sticks up wildly from his head as he stretches his arms while yawning dramatically.

"Good morning to you too Alec." I say as I caress Clary's bright red cheek. She is always so embarrassed when someone sees us being intimate together; I on the other hand could care less.

"Morning Jace; Clary."

"Good morning Alec; how are you today?" Clary asks shyly.

"A little nauseous to be honest; I could do without the PDA so early in the morning. I need at least one cup of coffee in me before I can stomach seeing Jace's tongue in your ear."

"Lucky for you I can hear the sarcasm in your voice Alec." I say sweetly to him.

"Uh-huh. Did I hear you call yourself daddy when I walked in or was I hearing things?"

"No you heard right. Why do you have a problem with that?"

"Not at all; I think it's sweet."

"Magnus must have showed you a good time last night because you are in a very good mood this morning brother."

"You hush now."

I laugh as I watch him turn away to pour himself a cup of coffee; the huge grin on his face tells me I am not wrong about what I said. Clary elbows me lightly in the ribs and her green eyes are telling me to behave myself.

"Guess what today is Alec." Clary says excitedly.

"I don't have to guess what today is Clary because I have today marked on my calendar. Today I find out if I will have a niece or a nephew."

"Awe really Alec? You have it marked on the calendar?"

"I most certainly do; would you like me to go get it so you can see?"

"No that won't be necessary."

"That's good because if you two don't get going you are going to be late for your ultrasound."

Shit! Alec is right. When I look at the clock I can see that we need to leave now or we will be in fact late for her appointment. Clary gets off my lap and walks across the kitchen where she kisses Alec's cheek as he bends down towards her so she doesn't have to stretch. Seeing the two of them together like this warms my heart. I feel a small pang of guilt looking at these two people that I love so much because I can't help but think about Em.

I promised her that Clary and I would make a trip to LA to see her but I keep making up excuse to stay home. Her and Sandra came and spent two weeks with us last month and was an amazing visit; it was so nice to see Clary bond with Emma almost immediately. The day Sandra and Em stood in the library to portal back to LA was surprisingly emotional for Clary; she told Emma how much she was going to miss her with tears in her eyes. I just assumed that it was Clary's hormones that made her emotional but when I saw tears in Emma's eyes; I realize how close the two of them became in two weeks.

The idea of portal travel for my pregnant girlfriend makes me break out in a sweat. If it wasn't such a long trip; I would just drive Clary and I to LA to see Em. My guilt grows stronger each time I think about my friend that lives all the way on the west coast; I think I better call her after we get home from the doctor. I was planning on calling her anyhow so I could tell her if we were having a boy or a girl but now I really want to try to explain my absence to her; maybe she will understand and maybe I can convince her to come to New York for a visit instead.

I open the passenger side door (I did a good job fixing it and you would never know that I had scraped that red pole) of my car and take Clary's hand to help her out. I keep her hand in mine as we enter the doctor's office. We don't even have to sit in the waiting room because the nurse takes us right in when we check in for Clary's appointment. The nurse instructs Clary to put on one of the shitty paper gowns and to lay on the table to wait for the doctor to come in. I sit on the chair and take each piece of Clary's clothing that she hands to me; folding them neatly before sitting them on the side table.

"Fuck your boobs are amazing."

"Jace! Watch your mouth; we are in a doctor's office for crying out loud."

"Come closer; I want to touch them."

"Behave yourself and hand me my gown."

"Come over here and take it from me baby."

"Jace Wayland! What has gotten into you today?" She shrieks a little too loudly.

"Shh…someone will hear you. Here is your gown; I will behave myself for now but just you wait until we get home."

She rolls her eyes at me as she puts her gown on and she is trying not to giggle as she attempts to get up on the exam table. I jump up out of my chair and lift her onto the table so she doesn't hurt herself.

"Short girl problems I am used to but short pregnant girl problems I am still getting used to. Thank you for helping me."

"You're more than welcome. Since I am such an attentive boyfriend shouldn't I get a reward?"

"I suppose you do deserve a reward; give me a kiss before the doctor gets in here."

I bend down and kiss her softly on the mouth long enough that her tiny hands snakes around my neck and her fingers tangle in my blond hair. I take advantage of her distraction from my kiss and slide my hand over her belly and cup her breast in my hand; only to have her shove me away and she swats my hand as she narrows her green eyes at me.

"Sorry mommy, guess I got a little carried away."

"Yeah I guess you did. Now please behave yourself Jace; the doctor will be in here any second now. At least I hope he will; I want to get this over with so I can go pee."

"I thought you peed before we left?"

"I did but I have to pee again. The baby really likes my bladder for some reason. I try to push on my belly to get the baby to move away from my bladder but it's no use."

"Stubborn like its mother I see."

"I think this baby is a brat like its father actually."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because the little bugger almost made me pee myself in the training room yesterday. I think the baby thought my bladder was a trampoline. So the baby is always in a playful mood just like his or her daddy is."

Clary and I are both still laughing when the doctor comes in the room.

"Good morning Clary; good morning Jace." The doctor says with a pleasant smile on his face.

"Good morning." We both say in unison and I chuckle.

"Today is the big day you two. Today we find out if you are going to have a son or a daughter. Have you had any guesses yet Clary?"

"I keep having dreams about a little blond haired boy."

"Really? You didn't tell me you had those dreams Clary." I say in a surprised tone.

"I also have dreams about eating fifteen taco's too and I don't tell you about them either."

The doctor chuckles as he squirts liquid over Clary's belly and proceeded to use the ultrasound wand to smear it over her skin.

"Okay mommy is guessing that she is having a boy; what about daddy? Do you have any guesses?"

"She's having a girl." I state confidently.

"Well let's find out who wins the bet now shall we?"

Clary and I both keep our eyes focused on the screen as the doctor moves the wand over her belly to get a good angle of the baby. He points his finger at the screen to show us where the baby's head is and he also point out the arms and legs.

"Can either one of you see?" The doctor asks as he points at the screen.

"I can see the arms and legs and make out the shape of the baby's body but I really can't see if it's a boy or a girl." Clary says.

"Jace? What do you see?"

"I know what I don't see doc."

"What is it that you don't see?"

"There is no penis. I told you she was having a girl."

"You are correct Jace. Congratulations you two you will be welcoming your daughter home in about twenty weeks."

I can't help myself; I jump up out of my chair and pound my fist in the air and whoop loudly in the small room with excitement.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! I can't wait to meet our baby girl Clary." I shout with excitement.

"You are so smug Jace. You were right though; you have been saying we were going to have a girl pretty much since we found out I was pregnant."

I bend down and kiss her forehead as the doctor wipes off her belly. She has tears in her eyes as she smiles up at me.

"Are you disappointed that we aren't having a boy Clary?"

"No not at all; I just want the baby to be healthy."

"Why are you crying then?"

"I'm not crying; I'm just happy to see how excited you are."

"I am excited; now I will have two beautiful girls to spoil instead of just one. All we need to do now is pick her name so we can start calling her by her name. What's it going to be Clary? Will our daughters name be Heather Rayne Wayland or Celine Adel Wayland?"

"We don't have to decide right now."

"That's true we still have lots of time to decide what to call our baby girl. It will just be nice to be able to say she and her instead of baby or it."

When we get home; Clary surprises me when she tells me she wants to go back to bed for a while. After I tuck her in and kiss her cheek; I leave the room so I can call Em. Pulling my phone out of my pocket to dial her number; I decide against it and end up shoving it back into my pocket. If I don't tell Alec and Izzy first they will be mad at me. I find Izzy still sleeping in her room and I shake her shoulder as I sit on the edge of her bed.

"If I didn't know the reason why you are waking me up right now and wasn't super excited to hear the news; I would punch you right now."

"I wasn't sure if you would be mad at me for waking you up but you said you wanted to know as soon as possible."

"I do, so tell me already."

"Well Aunt Izzy you will be happy to know that you will be able to shop for your niece from now on because we both know Clary will make you do it anyway."

Izzy sits up and hugs me tightly as she mumble in my ear about how happy she is for the two of us to be having a little girl. I kiss her cheek and tell her to go back to sleep before I leave her room to go find Alec; turns out I don't have to look for him because he is out in the hall. He is bouncing on his heels and rubbing his hands together in anticipation of the news that is coming his way.

"Come on Jace! The suspense is killing me!"

"Looks like we will have one more female to be protective over in this house Alec."

"Holy shit! You were right all along then Jace. Congratulations brother; where is our little red head? I would like to tell her congratulations as well."

"Our little red head went back to bed for a while so you will have to wait till later to flirt with my girlfriend."

"I do not flirt with Clary; she is like my little sister you pervert. Besides she doesn't have the right equipment to be my type."

"Too much information Alec."

"When are you going to stop calling her your girlfriend?"

I grab Alec by the back of his neck and drag him halfway down the hall before letting him go and looking at him.

"Shh…keep your voice down you big mouth. What if Clary is still awake?"

"Sorry, I was just messing around. Why are you freaking out?"

"I'm freaking out because her ring should have been back from the jeweler last week but there was a mistake with the sizing so it's taking longer than it should."

"Oh I can understand why you would be freaking out about that then. You want to make sure it's right in case you have to send it back for another adjustment before you propose to her."

"Exactly. I have a feeling things aren't going to go as planned."

"So don't plan anything. Just ask her to marry you while she is eating breakfast one morning. You know she is going to say yes anyhow; I don't see why you have to have all these elaborate plans just to propose to her."

"Alec you are an idiot. Do you even know what the definition of romance is?"

"I know what it means; I just don't see the point. Why be romantic to her just because you are asking her to be your wife? I think you should just be yourself."

"How do you know I'm not romantic all the time?"

"You? Come on Jace."

"You have no idea how sweet I can be Alec. Mark my word when I propose to Clary even you will be weeping tears of envy because you will be jealous that your boyfriend isn't as romantic as I am."

"Okay, well I will make sure to keep tissues in my pocket in anticipation of the weeping."

"Don't you have something to be doing? I need to call Emma now so go bother someone else; maybe a certain warlock would enjoy some more of the action that has caused your good mood today."

Alec punches me in the shoulder as he walks away to get on the elevator. I am still chucking when I dial Emma's number.

"_Hello?"_

"He-hello is this Sandra?"

"_Jace is that you?"_

"The one and only. How are you doing Sandra? Why are you answering Em's phone? Is everything alright?"

"_I am doing well; thank you for asking Jace. Everything is just fine; I only answered her phone because she is in the shower."_

"Oh okay, well could you tell her I called."

"_What are you too good to talk to me for a minute until she gets out of the bathroom?"_

"No of course not. What have you been up to lately?"

"_Not a whole lot to be honest with you; my ribs are taking longer to heal than I thought they would."_

"Ribs? What happened?"

"_See if you called your friend more you would know these things Jace."_

Fuck! I am in the dog house with Sandra for neglecting Emma and I am sure to be in the dog house with Em as well. I am certain that if Sandra is scolding me over the phone right now it must be because Emma has been complaining to her about me. 

"I'm really sorry Sandra; I know I haven't been calling as much as I should. Please tell me what happened."

"_Two weeks ago we got called out after we go a report of demon activity down by the port; when we got there we were outnumbered majorly. I got the left side of my ribcage crushed by a demon when I went to help Julian; he was nearly dead by the time I got to him. Thankfully I got to him before it was too late; Em would have been devastated to lose her parabitai."_

"Where was Em when all this happened?

"_Fighting off six demons on the other side of the port. Can you believe she didn't get a scratch on her? Hell she looked like a damn runway model compared to the rest of us."_

"She's an amazing shadowhunter. Sometimes I think she is better than even me but don't tell her that or it will go to her pretty blond head."

"_Tell me about it; she doesn't need her ego stroked any more than it already is."_

"So it's been two weeks and your ribs still aren't healed? Did you call the silent brothers?"

"_They did everything they could; they said I must just need more time to heal."_

"How about a warlock? Did you try a warlock?"

"_No."_

"Maybe I could see if Magnus would be willing to make a trip to look at your ribs."

"_No don't do that; they are practically healed now so that would just be a waste of time...Oh here is Em now; I will talk to you later."_

"Later Sandra."

I can hear Em and Sandra arguing for a minute and then the phone cracks loudly in my ear.

"Hello? Sandra? Em?"

"_Hello Jace."_

"Emma, how are you? Beautiful as ever I'm sure."

"_I'm fine Jace. How are you?"_

"Emma I can hear how mad you are at me."

"_That's good because I wasn't trying to hide the anger in my voice."_

"Fuck Em, I'm really sorry I haven't been calling you as much, see the thing is…"

"_That's right, here comes the line of excuses now; well don't bother Jace because I really could care less to be honest with you. I haven't heard from you in almost a month; obviously you are just too busy to call me for five minutes or shoot me an occasional text. Look I'm kind of busy right now so I need to get off the phone."_

"Emma Carstairs! Don't you dare hang up that fucking phone!"

I quickly dial her number and get sent straight to voicemail. Fuck! I search through my phone for Sandra's number and push the call button.

"_Just because you call my phone doesn't mean she is going to talk to you Jace."_

"She is really pissed at me isn't she Sandra?"

"_Of course she's pissed you asshole…owe don't hit me Em…apparently she can call you an asshole but I'm not allowed."_

"Please ask her to talk to me."

"_Can't; she left. She took her surf board and told me not to follow her; now she is pissed at me too."_

"I can't believe how mad she is; I mean…"

"_Really Jace? Is it so hard to believe that someone would be mad at you? She text you two fucking weeks ago and asked you to call her as soon as you could and you never did. She was scared of losing Julian and she was upset that I was the one who got hurt saving him instead of her. She needed to talk to you and you were just too damn busy to give her five fucking minutes of your precious time."_

"I feel like such a piece of shit right now Sandy."

"_Don't call me Sandy; only Em is allowed to call me that. You should feel like a piece of shit; how would you feel if she did that to you? When you need her she drops everything for you Jace but you just fucking blow her off when she needs you for something. That's not how you treat someone that you supposedly care about."_

"Not supposedly; I do care about her. I love Emma and you know that Sandra. I just wish she wouldn't have hung up on me. I wish she would have given me the chance to explain."

"_Look Jace, I can hear the pain in your voice so I tell you what; when she gets back I will try to convince her to call you but I can't make any promises to you."_

"You don't have to do that for me Sandra."

"_I know I don't but I will."_

"No that's not what I mean. You don't have to tell her to call me because I am coming to LA."

"_Really? When?"_

"Today, right now."

"_Okay I guess I will see you soon then."_

"Do you think she went to south beach to surf?"

"_Probably; that's her favorite spot."_

"Good. I will go straight there once I arrive."

"_I can meet you at the institute and keep Clary company for you while you go talk to Em if you want me to."_

"That won't be necessary."

"_Really Jace I don't mind."_

"Clary will be staying home; I'm coming alone."

"_Okay. Talk to you soon then."_

"Goodbye."

"_Bye Jace."_

Fuck me! Why can't I keep the women on my life happy? Clary is usually pretty happy with me most of the time; even when I do piss her off she always talks to me about it and then we are okay. I usually have Izzy pissed at me for something at least once a week and now Emma must hate me by now for neglecting our friendship. My stomach flips because I just realized that I am sure to have my own daughter pissed at me when she is old enough to understand. I think about waking up Clary to tell her I am leaving but decide that will only cause me another problem and I go to find Alec instead. When I find Alec's room empty I decide to just call him so I can save time.

"_Hey Jace what's up?"_

"Alec where are you right now?"

"_Almost to Magnus's why?"_

"I need you to come home."

"_Why what's wrong? Is Clary okay?"_

"Yes she is fine. Look I need you to come home so you will be here when she wakes up."

"_Why? Where are you going?"_

"I need to go to LA; Em's pissed at me and I need to go see her. I need to see if I can bandage the wound on our friendship before I lose her for good."

"_Why aren't you taking Clary with you? You know how much she has been wanting to go to LA."_

"I don't have time to explain it all to you Alec. Please just come home. Tell her that Em's pissed at me and that I had to go see her; tell her I will be back before nightfall. So help me god Alec whatever you do; don't you dare let Clary portal to LA. I am trusting you to keep her stubborn little ass at home."

"_Okay. I'll try."_

"Not try. Fucking promise me Alec."

"_Do I have permission to tie her up? You should know better than anyone how stubborn she can be."_

"Do whatever you need to do; but don't hurt her. I will kill you if you hurt her Alec."

"_Relax, I would never hurt her."_

"I am hanging up now because I am getting ready to step through the portal. Remember Alec I am trusting you to keep her home where she belongs."

"_No worries Jace. Talk to you later."_

I put my phone back in my pocket and step into the portal. Stepping off the steps of the institute; the California humidity makes me break out into a sweat almost immediately; I regret the choice to wear black jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. I knew I should have changed but I didn't want to risk waking up Clary to go get clothes out of my dresser. I push my sleeves up and start running towards south beach to find Em. Twenty minutes later I am coved in sweat and wishing I would have taken off my shoes before walking through the hot California sand. With sand in my shoes and sweat dripping off my face I cup my hands around my mouth and yell loudly at the beautiful blond floating on her surf board in the water. She raises her head as she sees me waving my arms at her. I wait patiently for her to get out of the water; she almost hits me with her surf board when she throws it down in the sand.

"Jace what are you doing here? Where is Clary?" Even though she sounds angry; she also sounds concerned. The concern in her voice gives me a small sense of hope that our friendship isn't entirely ruined.

"Clary is at home resting. I am here because I'm an asshole; my friend needed me and I wasn't there for her but I'm here now Em. Please talk to me. Please forgive me for being a shitty friend to you. I love you Emma and I am so fucking sorry."

"You really must be sorry if you came here without even changing your clothes; you do realize that it's nearly ninety-five today don't you?"

"I am; truly I am Emma. As soon as I got off the phone with Sandra and talked to Alec real quick; I came straight here. Please forgive me."

She gives me one of her dazzling smiles as she steps forward and wraps her arms around me for a hug. I just hold on tight to her for a moment; I didn't realize just how much I missed her. She tries to untangle herself from me but I just hold her tighter as the fucking tears start pouring down my face. When she finally manages to break our hug I am full on bawling like a god damned baby; I have to drop to my knees in the sand to keep from falling over. Em drops to her knees and places her hand on my cheek.

"Oh, Jace it's okay. Look I might have over reacted a little bit but I promise you that we are okay. There is no need for you to be so upset over this."

I have to take a couple of minutes to control my pathetic crying before I can speak to her.

"Em it's not you. You're not the reason why I am crying; well maybe a little bit but not completely."

"What is it Jace?"

"No, I didn't come here to talk about me. I came here to hear you talk; to see your beautiful face. Tell me everything that I have been missing out on for the past few months."

"There really isn't all that much to be honest with you."

"Sandra said you were really upset about what happened to Julian. Tell me about that Emma; tell me please."

"I almost lost him Jace; I shudder at the thought of losing my parabitai. It's my fault he almost died in the first place; I should have been with him. It's my fault that Sandy got hurt trying to save Julian. I get too cocky sometimes; I ran too far ahead of my group to take on a bunch of demons on my own. I managed to fight them off but in my haste to play the hero I missed the huge swarm of demons that nearly killed my parabitai."

"You are just like me Emma. I wish I could tell you that someday you will think more clearly but I think we both know that isn't true. How is Julian?"

"He is doing just fine. He loves me more than he should; he wasn't even mad at me for leaving him. I would have been pissed if it were me that was nearly killed because he left me; but not him. Julian loves me even when he shouldn't; sometimes I feel so undeserving of his loyalty and faith."

"Don't feel undeserving Em; take that loyalty and faith and hold on to it. Don't you realize that Julian has to love you the way he does because he knows you don't love yourself enough. He over compensates where you lack and the balance of that is what makes you two who you are. I couldn't imagine a better set of fighting warriors than the two of you."

"Thank you Jace."

"You're welcome Emma."

"Sandy's sick Jace."

Emma's voice was barley a whisper and was so full of sadness that I feel a lump in my throat. When she looks at me her blue eyes are dry but I can see the look of fear and desperation in them.

"Sick? What do you mean she's sick?"

"She has cancer Jace. It's bad; it's in her bones and the doctors didn't give her a good prognosis. I can't lose her Jace; she's everything to me. To make matters worse she is acting like there is nothing wrong with her; she refuses to even acknowledge how sick she really is."

"Fuck Emma; I am so sorry. Is there any kind of treatment that she can take; maybe make her better?"

"It wouldn't matter if there was any treatment that could help her because she wouldn't accept it. Like I said she refuses to even acknowledge that she is sick."

"But won't she die without some sort of treatment?"

"Yes. The doctor said without treatment she might live for maybe six months or so."

"Fuck…Em…I don't even know what to say…I am so, so sorry. What if we could talk her into treatment; then how long would she have?"

"Probably only an extra six months the doctors said; like I said they didn't give her a good prognosis. It has taken me some time to understand how Sandy is thinking but I think I might understand where she is coming from; accepting her inevitable death is the part I'm having trouble with."

"What do you mean you understand where Sandra is coming from?"

"Think about it Jace if it were you in her situation; wouldn't you rather live your last six months the best way you know how instead of being sick every day because the treatment to slow down your death is really only killing you slower? What quality of life do you have when you are too sick to even try to enjoy what time you have left? I respect her decision to die on her feet but that doesn't mean she should ignore the fact that she is in fact going to die."

"That makes sense. I guess I would chose to live my life instead of dying slowly too if it were me."

"Can we change the subject now? I don't want to talk about my dying girlfriend anymore."

"Sure, if that's what you want."

"It's what I need Jace; I need to be distracted for a while. Distract me; tell me everything that has been happening in New York."

"Nothing really worth talking about to be honest with you. Things have been pretty quiet as far as any activity; from the sounds of things; LA is getting all the action right now. The demons must like your weather more than mine."

"Tell me why you were crying Jace. I know you; you don't cry like that unless something is really wrong."

"It's not that there is one particular thing wrong; just a lot of stress I guess. Seeing you; being able to hug you just brought it all to the surface for me. I've been keeping it all in and when you hugged me I guess my dam finally broke open."

"What are you keeping in? What has you so stressed out?"

"Where do I even start?"

"Least stressful to the most stressful might be a good way to start."

"Good idea. Okay well I think my sister is cheating on her boyfriend. Normally I wouldn't give two shits about something like that but her boyfriend happens to be Clary's best friend; so you can see how sensitive the subject is. If Simon is upset then Clary will be upset and if Clary is upset then there is concern for the stress being too much for the baby; not to mention I would be lying if I tried to deny the fact that I would hurt for Simon as well. Clary loves him and he loves Clary so it's only natural for me to have some form of affection for him."

"Okay I get that but you can't make Izzy love Simon and you can't make Simon open his eyes to what he refuse to see. What else is bothering you?"

"I want to ask Clary to marry me but all the plans I have made are getting fucked up so I'm freaking out about that."

"Jace don't freak out about proposing to Clary. You are sweet when you want to be; hell you don't even have to try because it comes naturally to you when you put your mind to it. I know you can pull candy and flowers and all that sappy shit out of your ass and to Clary it will be so god damn sweet it would make other people gag."

"You should be a poet Em." I joke with her.

"Shut up; I'm on a role here. What else has you stressed?"

"Clary's labor; I am really worried about the amount of pain she will have. She is so fucking tiny; and I can't wrap my head around the idea of her pushing my child out of her tiny body without getting the awful image of her splitting completely in half."

"Jace you are being ridiculous about that. Women have babies every day and don't split in two so you need to stop thinking like that. Is that all? Is there anything else?"

"I haven't even gotten to the biggest shit yet Emma."

"So get to it then."

"What if I'm not a good husband to her? What if I am a shitty father to my daughter? I keep trying to figure out all the right things to do; I feel like my head is going to explode. What if I forget Clary and I's fifth wedding anniversary? What if I don't have the patients to teach my little girl how to tie her shoes? How do I tell my wife that the burnt super she cooked for me is delicious and have her believe me? For fuck sakes Emma! How will I manage not to kill the first punk ass kid that breaks my daughter's heart when she starts dating? There is all this shit in my head every day and…"

"Stop! Jesus Christ Jace just stop already. I understand that you are worried about all the what ifs in life but you really need to try to relax. Jace you are one of the best people I know. When you love someone you love them completely and everything that comes along with loving someone comes easy to you. You are going to be an amazing husband and an even more amazing father. Congratulations on having a little girl by the way; you always said you two were having a girl."

"You really think I'll be a good husband and father?"

"I don't think that; it's what I know. As far as everything else goes; the labor, the proposal, even the shit with Simon and your sister; you need to understand that some things you just can't control. Take it from one control freak to another; sometimes you just have to throw your hands up in the air and let things be. Just let the card fall where the fall; don't try to catch them as they drop because at the end of the day they are still going to make a huge fucking mess on the floor."

"Are you saying my life is going to be a huge fucking mess no matter what I do?"

"Not exactly; I'm saying sometimes life with be messy but for the most part your life will be amazing. So ultimately what I am trying to tell you is to not focus on the messy shit; brush that shit off and focus on all the good things."

"Thank you Emma. I have been wanting to talk to Clary about some of this stuff but I didn't want to stress her out. Talking to you has made me realize just how ridiculous I have been."

"I'm glad I could shine some light on the subject for you."

"That's what you are to me you know? You are like sunshine on my face Emma; I love you so much and I am so grateful for your friendship."

"You know what you need Jace?"

"What's that?"

"You need to go home and pack a couple of bags and bring Clary out here. Come to LA and enjoy some sunshine and de-stress a little bit. Sandra and I would love to have the two of you for a visit and it would be a nice distraction for her and I as well."

"I don't think I can bring Clary here Emma."

"Why not?"

"That is another thing that has me stressed out; the biggest reason why I haven't brought her here to visit in the first place."

"What is the reason? Please tell me she isn't jealous of our friendship Jace."

"No, Emma she isn't; I promise."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The portal."

"What about it?"

"Taking my pregnant girlfriend through the portal scares the hell out of me. Hell if it wasn't so far I would just drive her here."

"So fly out."

"Huh?"

"You know fly; as in go to the airport and get on a plane."

"Fuck! I am so damn stupid sometimes. Of course we can get on a plane and fly to LA. I don't know why I never thought of that."

"To be fair Jace; we are shadow hunters and we can just portal to wherever we need to go. So I can see how you would forget about modern transportation."

"That's the plan then. I am going to go home and book the first flight to LA. I will text you all the information but for now I need to get back home before Alec fucks up and lets Clary portal here."

"Hurry back Jace."

"I promise to be here on the first flight out Emma. I love you and I will see you soon."

Emma hugs me tight and I kiss her cheek before sprinting back to the institute to portal home. I manage to send Alec a quick text telling him I'm on my way as I run down the streets of LA. When I step out of the portal into the library of the New York institute; I find Clary and Alec sitting at the long table waiting for me. Alec looks relieved and Clary looks…well pissed but I guess I expected that.

"Clary, come up stairs with me please. Thank you Alec."

"No problem Jace; and Clary I really am sorry." Alec looks at Clary sadly but Clary refuses to look at him; she is too busy glaring at me.

Clary follows me onto the elevator and she crosses her arms as she turns her head away from me. I find it comical to see her look so grumpy yet so damn cute at the same time. Her tiny chin is pointed up and her round belly is sticking out of the bottom of her too tight t-shirt. Too bad she has her arms crossed because I bet her boobs look fucking amazing in that tight little t-shirt; I swear one night she went to bed with her normal tiny chest only to wake up the next morning to an extra cup size. For the first three days after her chest grew; I couldn't keep my filthy hands off of them but thankfully she found my fascination with them to be humorous. I get the overwhelming urge to lift her up and pin her against the elevator wall and burying myself inside of her but I need to keep my mind on track right now.

Once out of the elevator she quietly follows me to our bedroom and she slams the door shut behind her when we get inside. Yep, she is most definitely pissed off. Sweat is still pouring off my face and I pull my shirt off and use it to wipe my face and neck off before tossing it to the floor. I spin around and hold my arms out to her as I give her one of my crooked grins that normally melts her into a puddle of goo but she just shakes her head at me. Nope she isn't getting away with this; I don't care if she is pissed I want to hold her close to me whether she likes it or not. Even though she looks angry I didn't miss her eyes dart up and down as she glanced at my naked chest; she never could keep her eyes off of me. I just shake my head right back at her and put my hands on her belly as I kneel to the floor in front of her. I lift her t-shirt up and plant several kiss across her swollen stomach before resting my cheek against her belly button as I hold her body in a hug.

"I'm sorry I left without telling you. Please don't be angry with me." I whisper.

"I'm not angry at you Jace."

"Yes you are." My words come out in a chuckle.

"No I am not. I am not angry I am hurt."

I stand up and take her chin in my hand forcing her to look at me.

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I don't understand why you couldn't just wake me up and tell me you were going to see Emma. Why did you feel like you had to sneak off? Why did you make Alec babysit me so I wouldn't come to LA? Do you know he threatened to tie me up?"

"Shit. He actually threatened to tie you up?"

"Yes."

"In Alec's defense. I made him promise to do whatever he needed to do to keep you from following me to LA. I told him if he didn't keep you home where you belong that I was going to kill him."

"Keep me home where I belong! What the hell is that supposed to mean Jace?" Her loud shrieks hurt my ears.

"I don't mean it like you belong here; like you should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. I only meant that I didn't want you to portal to LA."

"Why don't you want me to go to LA? Every time I mention going to California you find some way to make me forget that I brought it up or you end up making up some kind of excuse for us not to go."

"It's not that I don't want you to go to LA. I want you to go but…"

"But what Jace?" Her words are icy just like her green eyes; fuck she is sexy when she's mad.

"I know you are just going to say I am being ridiculous and that I am completely over reacting but please try to understand. Please understand how much anxiety I have bubbling in my chest every single time I think about going to LA with you."

"Anxiety? Why would you have anxiety? What are you hiding in LA Jace?"

"What? Nothing; I'm not hiding anything in LA. Why would you even say something like that Clary?" Now I'm the one with the icy words and I'm sure the icy look in my eyes to match. I doubt that Clary finds me sexy when I'm angry like I do her.

"I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said that I guess I am just confused and hurt." Her apology is filled with regret for her previous accusatory words and my anger instantly disappears.

"It's not LA that has me freaked out; it's the damn portal. I am worried about you going through the portal while you are pregnant."

"Really? Why?"

"Because that's what I do Clary. I freak out over stupid shit and I overthink everything. I can't shake this particular feeling of anxiety. Every fucking day I know that we need to go see Em and every fucking day I end up having a mini mental breakdown over the thought of you going through the portal. I just can't deal with it; I can't fucking handle you going through the portal."

"Wow. Jace, I'm so sorry that you have been so stressed out about this for the past few months. Please calm down; I promise not to use the portal while I am pregnant."

I breathe a huge fucking sigh of relief and pull her to my chest for a warm hug but I need more of her right now; it's been too long since our bodies have been tangled together. I lift her chin and consume her mouth in a needy kiss as I run my hands down her back; the pervert in me squeezes her tiny ass as I pull her close to my body. She is too short and her round belly sticks out too far for me to be able to grind my hips into hers. She begins to loosen my belt; blood flows to my shaft quickly because now I know that I'm not alone in my thoughts about needed our bodies tangled together but I break our kiss and stop her because I remember that I need to book the next available flight to LA.

"Hold that thought for a minute Clary."

"What? Why?" The sound of desire in her voice almost makes me say fuck the flight lets go to bed; the promise I made to Emma is the only reason why I don't.

"I need to book our flight before I get lost in you."

"Book our flight to where?"

"To LA. I would really like to stay for a week or more so I would pack enough stuff for at least two weeks just to be on the safe side."

"When are we going?"

"We will take the first flight I can book."

"I have a doctor's appointment next Thursday."

"I know; I'll make sure we are back before your appointment."

I pull up the site to check on a flight and out of the corner of my eye I can see Clary wringing her fingers; Christ it's been a couple of months since I haven't seen her do that and I almost forgot it was something she did when she is nervous.

"Jace have you ever been on a plane before?"

"No."

"Me neither; it's it normal that I am a little scared to get on the plane?"

"Sure it is Clary."

"Are you scared too?"

"Not really but I probably will be once we get to the airport and I actually see the plane."

"How long is the flight?"

"This says about six hours if we fly non-stop…oh fuck…that's probably not good."

"Six hours isn't too bad."

"No not that; the money. Between the two of us it's going to cost a little over three grand for two round trip non-stop tickets. I better call Alec to see if it's okay to use the credit card for this."

I pull my phone out of my pocket at send a text to Alec telling him to come to my bedroom. Two minutes later he knocks at the door and Clary opens it. Alec stands in the doorway with a confused look on his face.

"What's up?" Alec says nervously as he glances around my room; for once I could care less that he is in here.

"Clary and I are going to fly to LA to visit Em for ten days."

"Fly? What do you mean Fly; why don't you just portal?"

"Fuck Alec! I can't have Clary go through the portal; it stresses me out too much."

"Oh I get what you are saying; it's because she is pregnant. Okay so you two are flying; what does that have to do with me?"

"It's cost a little over three grand for round trip tickets for the two of us."

"Ouch…I don't see how I can sneak that past the Clave Jace. Maybe fifteen hundred but probably not three thousand."

"Jace what if I just go on the plane and you portal to LA?" Clary attempts to be helpful.

"You can't go on the plane alone Clary. You will need Jace there with you so you don't freak out."

I am glad that Alec was the one who said Clary couldn't go without me; at least he can be the bad guy.

"Maybe I can find something cheaper that fly's out in a few weeks; it's probably so expensive because it's a last minute flight."

"Here Jace; use this card to book your flight."

"Is this from your savings account Alec?"

"Yes."

"I can't use this."

"Yes you can; I have almost fifteen grand saved in there. I won't miss three of it."

"I will pay you back when I can."

"Whatever you want to do. Just book your flight before they are all gone."

"Thank you Alec; this really means a lot to me."

"It's just money; it doesn't mean anything to me but family does."

Alec looks at me with love and conviction in his dark blue eyes and I feel almost overwhelmed by his love for me right now; so overwhelmed that I stand up and hug him for a long quite moment. I may not have spoken any words to him as I hugged him but when I looked into his blue eyes after our hug; his eyes told me he heard every unspoken word that I was thinking. Wiping my own tears off of my face; I sit back down at my lap top and book Clary and I's flight for first thing in the morning. I hand him his bank card back and he just nods before turning to leave the room. Clary rushes across the room and clutches onto his back.

"I love you too Clary; please take care of him for me." Alec's voice is soft and full of not sadness but more of a desperate kind of hope.

"I promise." Clary whispers.

After Alec leaves my room and Clary goes back to packing her bag; I just sit there as all the events from today begin to really sink in. The pain I feel for Em as she tries to come to terms with losing the love of her life in such a short period of time. The constant fear and worry about what my future holds and the fact that I cannot control the thing that I want to control the most. Admitting to myself just how much I really do care for Simon; my heart aches for his broken relationship with my sister to the point of me actually distancing myself from my own sister. I have been keeping too much stuff bottled up inside of me; I have so much empathy for other people that I forgot to have it for my own self. Alec felt it all along but his high respect towards me has kept him silent. Emma Carstairs might know me and Clary knows me like no one ever will; she has a deep understanding for how I am wired but sometimes she is guilty of pushing me too much. Alec might not know me but he understands me even more than I think even I can understand myself. He somehow manages to understand the emotions that pour out of me and enter him in an all-consuming way. I will admit in the privacy of my own mind that I do in fact love Simon and of course I love Izzy and my love for Emma is a kind of love that will probably never fade over time or distance. Emma and I are some kind of kindred spirits if you believe in things like that. Alec and Clary will always be my rocks in life. Where Clary pushes too far Alec always stands back too far; the balance between the two of them will keep me grounded to this earth for the rest of my days. Hearing the words exchanged between Alec and Clary has opened my eyes to understanding that I am just as important to the two of them as they are to me. I am humbled by the thought of me being a kind of Keystone for Alec and Clary. They love each other because they both love me; it's a simple and pure love that is so beautiful that it makes my chest ache in the best way possible.

I feel like my entire life has just been turned upside down right now but in a good way. I have convinced myself that I was numb and couldn't feel but the honest truth to it is; I numbed my own self on purpose. I kept myself numb so that I didn't have to feel. I built up this imaginary wall so that I could pretend that feeling and emotions couldn't touch me. I realize now that the imaginary wall was just that; imaginary and pretending that I couldn't feel was just that; pretending. It took loving Clary and seeing and fucking feeling the love that her and Alec have for me to make me begin to understand just who I really am. I have an overwhelming amount of empathy for other people and that is a wonderful thing; I just need to remember to have it for myself from time to time. I am a passionate lover of the people I hold close to my heart and most of all I finally feel like I am deserving of the love that these important people that I hold close to my heart have for me.

"Are you okay Jace?"

Her question is ironically timed as I wrap my brain around being Jace Wayland AKA Mr. Deserving. I take her hand in mine and pull her onto my lap where I bury my nose into her red hair and inhale her scent until I feel dizzy.

"I couldn't be better right now if I tried Clary." I state honestly to her.

She pulls my face back so she can look at me and her soft smile warms my heart.

"There he is; there's my Jace. You went away for a little bit but I knew you would come back to me."

"You knew something wasn't right with me?"

"Yes and as much as I wanted to pull it out of you or as you would say push it out of you; Alec made me understand that sometime you just need to be left alone sometimes."

"You told Alec that you felt like something was wrong with me?"

"Yes we have had quite a few conversations about it actually. I guess you could say that Alec and I kind of council each other about the mystery that is Jace."

"I feel like I should be mad about you two for talking about me behind my back but I don't. All I feel right now when I think about the two of you talking about me is loved."

"That's because you are loved Jace."

"I know and for once in my life I finally feel like I deserve to be loved."

"See, Alec and I did the right thing; we left you alone and you managed to work this all out on your own. After you spoke to Em and after you talked to me when you got back; I could see a little bit of my Jace but just now as I was packing my bag and you were sitting quietly; that is when all the pieces of your mental puzzle finally came together to form a picture in your head. The result of that picture is my Jace; maybe even a little bit more of a Jace that I will enjoy as you embrace your deserving side."

"Will you stay with me forever Clary?"

"You couldn't get rid of me even if you tried Jace Wayland."

"Will you be Clary; Jace Wayland's beautiful wife?"

"Did you just ask me to marry you Jace?"

"Yes I did."

"I would be honored to be Mrs. Clarissa Wayland; yes I will marry you."

Her soft lips melt into mine and I know that no matter where I am or where I go in life she will always be home to me. I break our kiss but keep my nose pressed lightly against hers as I look into her green eyes.

"I had all these elaborate plans for proposing to you and I don't even have your ring back from the jeweler but I couldn't imagine a better time to ask you to be my wife than this moment. I love you Clary and I will spend the rest of my life loving you."

"And I will spend the rest of my life loving you Jace."

"I know that I should probably get up and pack my bag because we have to board our plan at six in the morning but all I want to do is take you to bed and get completely lost in you right now."

"Then that's what you should do; I can help you pack in the morning."

"Are you sure baby? I know your hips have been bothering you for the past couple of weeks and you have been so tired."

"My hips feel fine right now and I took a nap today. I want you Jace; the past couple of weeks have been torture on me not being able to feel you inside of me."

Clary slides off of my lap and takes my hand in hers as I follow her to our bed where we help each other out of our clothes before she lays down on the bed with her arms outstretched towards me. As I crawl on the bed I lace my arms under her back and lift her tiny body as I push her body to the other side of the mattress before sitting up on my knees between her thighs. I take a few minutes to drink in the sight of her beautiful body before I start to run my hands over her soft skin. I spread my fingers wide on each side of her round belly as I kiss our baby sweetly; whispering I love you to my unborn daughter. The pervert in me groans when I cup her swollen breast in my palms and I groan even louder when I pull her nipple into my mouth; sucking gently.

"Careful Jace; they're sore."

I lighten my sucking as I continue to feel her hardened nipple between my lips; her soft moans tell me that she enjoys my mouth on her. I decide to leave her sore breast alone and begin to kiss a slow path down her body until I reach her center; consuming her sweetness with my mouth until her whole body shudders with pleasure. I gently nibble the sensitive skin on the inside of her thigh as I slide two fingers into her center to feel just how ready she is for me. I stroke her enough to push her almost to the point of another climax before removing my fingers. I chuckle when she whimpers in protest because I know she was so damn close to feeling her release. I curl my long fingers around her small hips and drag her across the mattress as I get off the bed; her thin legs hang off the side as she lifts her head up to look at me in confusion.

Standing at the edge of the mattress; I run my hands up and down the length of her creamy thighs a few times before I slowly start to push my length into her. I sigh loudly once I am inside of her completely and just keep still as I enjoy the feel of her tight center around my hardness. I begin to circle my hips while keeping most of my length inside of her; my hands caress her round belly. I grab her hands and place both of our hands on her belly as I continue to circle my hips.

"That's our baby girl in there Clary…we made her."

"Do you think she knows how much we already love her?"

"Of course she does." I whisper with a smile on my face.

Clary's cheeks blaze bright red as I start to stroke my length in and out of her at a slow pace.

"Are you okay baby? Am I hurting you?"

"Do you think she knows what we are doing right now?"

I can't contain my laughter at her silly question; so that's why her cheeks are bright red right now. She thinks our daughter knows what we are doing.

"No baby; she doesn't know what we are doing but I'm sure she can feel our love. Mommy and daddy are loving each other and I think that makes baby girl happy."

"She's not moving right now."

"She's relaxed because you're so relaxed right now."

"Is this a weird conversation to be having while we have sex?"

"Not to me it isn't."

"Why are you standing? My belly isn't that big yet."

"I can touch my baby better this way. I can see your beautiful body better; your beautiful body that hold my daughter inside of it."

"Right now the belly is small and cute but soon it will be huge."

"And you will look just as sexy then as you do now."

"Sexy?"

"There isn't anything sexier to a guy than to see his baby growing inside of the girl he loves body."

"Okay no more talking Jace."

When she begins to stroke herself as I pump slowly into her my arousal takes over and I push her body across the mattress and climb on top of her where I begin to rock into her at a steady pace. Her moans begin to increase as I continue to rock into her and within a few minutes her body begins to shudder with pleasure. I slow my pace as she comes down off her climax.

"Faster Jace." She moans.

"No baby, I don't want to go faster. I want to go slow. I want to savor this moment. It's been too long and I've missed you so much Clary."

"I've missed you too."

As slow and gentle as I was with Clary her first time this moment is different than that first time. This is the first time I have every really made love to this beautiful girl. My kisses, my touch, my slow stroking has nothing to do with orgasms; this moment is me loving Clary. I use my body to show her how much she means to me. My body is telling her how happy I am that she is going to be my wife and the mother of my child. My body is telling her thank you for loving me. I want to spend the rest of my life showing this beautiful girl just how much her love for me means to me.

It's close to midnight before I finally fall asleep only to be woken up at two when I feel something wet run across my thigh. My eyes pop open in a panic thinking that Clary's water broke but when I look down to see her still sleeping soundly as her body is draped across mine; I see that her skin is soaked with so much sweat that her red hair is damp and the t-shirt she is wearing clings to her skin. The moisture I felt running down my leg was from the sweat pouring off her body. Carefully I shift her off of me and when I look down at my naked body; the whole right side of me is glistening with sweat from where Clary was pressed against me. I slide my hand across the damp sheet and press my palm to her swollen belly; I feel the tiniest flutter under her skin and I press my hand harder into her stomach to see if I can get the baby to move again.

"Jace…please turn the air conditioner up." Clary's voice nearly makes me jump.

"Baby it's up as high as it can go…it's freezing in here."

"I'm so hot…my hair and clothes are so wet that I feel like just got drenched by a shower."

The mention of the word shower gives me an idea; I roll out of bed and take her hand in mine.

"Come here baby; I know what might make you feel better."

"Jace…I feel too gross right now for that."

"Relax, I am not trying to have sex with you. Now get out of bed and follow me."

Clary groans and rolls off bed; she keeps her hand in mine as I walk into the bathroom and turn the shower on; keeping the temperature to an almost freezing stream. I turn around and strip Clary of her damp clothes and when I pull her into the shower I bite back a scream as the cold water hits my body. Clary doesn't even flinch; she closes her eyes and lets out a long sigh as the water begins to cool her volcanic skin. I step back to keep most of the cold water off of my skin as I watch her relish in sweet relief; I on the other hand fight the urge to shiver. By the time she opens her eyes my teeth are chattering from the combination of the cold water and the blasting air conditioner but she looks so relieved that I ignore my discomfort. Clary's green eyes go wide at the sight of my body shivering and she quickly shuts the water off before wrapping her arms around me.

"Oh Jace…you are so cold."

"I'll be okay; how are you?"

"Not shaking like a leaf like you are but at least I don't feel like my skin is on fire anymore. Thank you Jace."

I pull her out of the shower and dry the two of us quickly before returning to the bedroom where I pull her naked body to my side and cover our bodies with the blanket. I am still shivering by the time I fall asleep; but knowing that I was able to help bring her some relief in her uncomfortable state brings as smile to my face.


	12. Chapter 12

**SONG LIST FOR THIS CHAPTER…**

**Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes**

**Whatever Doesn't Kill Me - Finger Eleven**

**Victim - Man Made Machine**

**All I Want - A Day To Remember**

**Your Touch - Black Keys**

**Go With The Flow - Queens Of The Stone Age**

**Make It Stop - Rise Against**

**Don't Wanna Fight - Alabama Shakes**

**Bad Habit - Kooks**

**The Beginning Of The End - Nine Inch Nails**

**Sick And Twisted Affair - My Darkest Days**

**War Of Change - Thousand Foot Krutch**

**Bitter Sweet Symphony - The Verve (( THIS SONG NEVER GETS OLD TO ME))**

With my skillful driving Clary and I managed to make it to the airport in plenty of time to check our bags and board our plan. Alec will come and pick up my car from the parking lot later on today; he was going to get up and drive us but I told him that there was no need to. Our return flight will be later in the afternoon and we will just take a cab home from the airport.

We are now sitting side by side in the uncomfortable seat of our second class flight to LA; I wonder if the first class seats are this uncomfortable? Getting Clary out of bed at four thirty this morning was quite the task; she groaned loudly and threw a pillow at me. I decided to just pack my own bag and let her sleep for an extra half an hour but at five when I woke her up for the second time she flew out of bed in a panic; rambling incoherently about missing our flight. She is leaning against me with her eyes closed with the intentions of sleeping for the entire flight; I on the other hand am wide awake. I decide to send a couple of text out before we have to turn off our phones for take-off.

_**ME: 217-0226- Good morning! We are on the plane; see you in about 6 hours. **_**: -**_**}**_

_**Em: 539-7010- IT'S 2:45 IN THE MORNING JACE! Did you forget about the time difference? Don't worry I will be at the airport to pick you up.**_

_**ME: 217-0226- You told me to text you when we boarded the plane… **_**: -|**

_**Em: 539-7010-I know but…anyhow how is prego this morning?**_

_**ME: 217-0226- Slightly grumpy when I woke her up for the second time; pretending to sleep on my shoulder. Adorable as ever. *SWOON***_

_**Em: 539-7010- Maybe if you kept your perverted hands off the poor girl once in a while she wouldn't be so tired….*GAGGING***_

_**ME: 217-0226- *GIGGLING* gotta go, see you soon. Love ya.**_

_**Em: 539-7010- Nice to see you don't even bother trying to deny your perverted-ness. Love you.**_

The flight attended makes the announcement that we have ten minutes before take-off and I decide to send another text before shutting my phone off for the next six hours.

_**ME: 217-0226- U awake?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 - What do you want? Why are you up so early?**_

_**ME: 217-0226- Clary and I are flying to LA for the next 10 days; just thought you should know.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- Yeah I know…Clary text me last night; didn't realize you were flying out so early. Have a good time; don't let her drown in the ocean.**_

_**ME: 217-0226- That will never happen! THIS FACE: **_**: -|**_** but much angrier…need to remember to get a better emoji app…something with smoke rising from the ears would be useful right about now.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- I know…was only kidding…CHECK - OUT : **_**-[ ….FANGS!**

_**ME: 217-0226- WOW! How's your love life?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- Fuck you Angel Boy!**_

_**ME: 217-0226- **_**: -(**

_**ME: 217-0226- I wasn't being cruel Simon; just wondering how things with Iz were. Sorry for pissing you off…put your fangs away…what happened to our truce about no name calling? You wound me with your words…*thinking about telling my hormonal girlfriend that you are being hurtful*… Where is the love?**_

I shut my phone off after I hit send because the flight attended scolded me for ignoring the final warning to turn off all electronics until after take-off. She said I could use my phone in airplane mode after we are in the air but I decide to just leave it off; let Simon sweat over my threat of tattle-telling on him to Clary. My sweet girl has been extremely protective over me lately (Must be her mommy instinct kicking in); a couple of weeks ago when we were having coffee with Simon he called me a goon and Clary kicked him in the shin and told him to stop calling the father of her child names. She's so damn cute when she is angry; and downright adorable when she is raging mad. Simon and I both got kicked and scowled at for laughing at her.

Thankfully Clary was already sleeping when the plane took off; the strange feeling was enough to make my stomach queasy and had she been awake I am certain she would have needed one of the air sickness bags. After being in the air for only ten minutes; it take everything in me not to wake her up so I will have someone to talk to but I let her sleep because she needs her rest. Pulling my IPod out; I spend the next two hours listing to music and the rest of the flight sleeping with my chin on Clary's red hair as she drools on my shirt and snores quietly. Em is at the baggage claim bouncing with excitement when we get through the security. I hold my arms out to her for a hug but she slaps my hand away so she can scoop Clary up for a hug.

"Easy Em; you'll hurt her swinging her around like that." My voice is high pitched and slightly too loud for a public place.

"Oh, stop being so paranoid Jace; I'm sure you toss her around much more than that in the bedroom."

"Emma!" Clary and I scold in unison; Em just laughs as she places her hands on Clary's belly.

"Wow Clary! This is wild seeing your belly like this. I mean I knew you were pregnant but actually seeing this round thing sticking out of you makes it so real."

"It really does stick out doesn't it? I feel like such a cow already; I don't know how I will feel when I am ready to pop; like and elephant I'm sure."

"You're hips are wider than I remember them."

"Tell me about it; just recently I had to give in and get some new pants because of my huge butt."

"Your belly and your butt isn't the only thing that has gotten bigger; you're tits are amazing Clary."

"Christ Em; please don't say shit like that." I scold but Clary just laughs. My mouth drops open when Clary grabs Em's hand and places them on her chest.

"Feel how hard they are too Em; it's crazy right?"

"By the Angel girl; those things are so perky that you could get away without wearing a bra."

Fuck me! I can feel my shaft getting hard just watching and listening to Em and Clary; I can't help the mental image that forms in my head at the thought of them touching each other's naked bodies.

"Stop that right now both of you! What are you two trying to do to me?"

Emma turns to look at me with a wicked grin on her face.

"What's the matter Jace? Are you getting turned on by the sight of another female touching your girl?"

"Yes and quite frankly I am extremely disturbed by that fact."

"Your birthday is coming up Jace and I really wasn't sure what to get you but maybe Em and I can find a way to make your birthday extra special." Clary now has a wicked grin of her own as she strokes Ems arm with her tiny hand.

I am appalled by these females right now and disturbingly intrigued by their suggestion. I can't even speak to them right now so I just grab our bags and head for the exit. The loud giggles that come from them as they follow me out of the airport tells me that the next ten days with the two of them will be interesting; that's for certain. I know they are just fucking with me but for Christ sakes I am still only a teenager; the pervert in me can't help but get filthy mental pictures in my head about the two of them. I find my perverted thoughts to be unsettling because first of all (and most importantly I might add) I would never want anyone else to touch my sweet Clary; she belongs to me and no one else will dare lay a finger on her (or in her for that matter). Secondly Em is like a sister to me (yes she is smoking hot) but it still makes me ill thinking about her in any kind of sexual way; I would feel the same way about Izzy.

I remember when Em confessed to me that she was into chicks instead of dudes; at the time I had only know her for about a month and we were only fifteen at the time. I was disappointed at first by her confession because I won't lie about my sexual attraction towards her when I first met the girl (come on of course I was attracted to her; she was tall, tan, blond and her eyes are crystal blue) but after she told me I got over my attraction towards her immediately. Emma and I developed a very odd relationship after she told me she was gay; her and I have had many conversations about girls. Hell I contribute my amazing oral skills to Emma's detailed description about pleasuring another girl with her mouth. The two of us have exchanges countless tips on how to pleasure the females. When I was sixteen my curiosity about seeing two girls together in bed finally got to be too much for me; I ended up finding two girls at the club one night and living out my fantasy with them (I was not disappointed in the least.) That must be why I am disturbingly aroused right now at the thought of Emma and Clary together; I am simply associating the two of them with my real life experience.

"Where are you going Jace? Are you planning on walking the whole way to my apartment from here?"

I turn around to see Emma and Clary standing side by side with their hands on their hips.

"Oh…um…is your apartment far from here?"

"Well I don't have the miles calculated exactly but it's almost a twenty minute drive from here."

"Oh that's pretty far; guess we should try to get a cab then."

"We don't need a cab Jace; we can take my truck."

"Truck? You have a truck Emma?"

"How else do you think I can haul my board up and down the coast all the time? South beach is close to home so I just walk there but I like to surf around at the different beaches."

"This is your truck Em?"

I point to the black Dodge Ram that the girls are standing by. The truck has four doors and lots of chrome and looks to be fairly new. It's a nice truck and looking at it I can actually picture Em driving around in it with one of her many bikini's on as she hunts for the best waves on the beach to surf.

"Yeah I have only had it for a couple of months; I got it after my old beater van finally died on me. Don't get me wrong; I really like my new truck but it gets horrible gas mileage and I still miss the funky smell of my van."

"Yeah and you can't sleep off a drunk in this thing as well as you could in the van either."

"See; you get it Jace. Sleeping in the bed of this thing has gotten me rained on and fried to a crisp on too many occasions in the short amount of time I have had it."

"Can I drive it?" Clary asks shyly and Em and I take turns exchanges glances before Em hands Clary the keys. Clary squeals loudly and jumps up and down with excitement; fuck the pervert in me can't help but focus my eyes on her bouncing chest.

"Don't jump like that Clary; you will give my daughter brain damage."

Clary just rolls her eyes at me as she bolts to the other side of the truck; she shouts for me to come around and help her get in. The six inch lift kit that Em had installed on her truck makes it too high for my pregnant girlfriend to get behind the wheel; carefully I lift her up and put her in the truck.

"Thank you Jace."

"Shouldn't there be a rule about not being allowed to drive if you need help even getting behind the steering wheel?" I joke playfully as I shut her door.

Clary is laying across the double bed in the guest room of Em and Sandra's apartment as I unpack our bags. Clary finds my need to be organized and neat about our clothing to be silly; if it were up to her she would live out of her suitcase for the next ten days but I just can't bring myself to doing that.

"Leave that for later Jace."

"What's wrong with right now; Em said lunch wouldn't be ready for almost an hour and she wants to take us to the beach after; so if I don't unpack now I probably won't get to it until tomorrow."

"So who care about unpacking? Come here." She purrs.

I raise my eyebrows at her suggestion but I go lock the door and walk back to the edge of the bed before taking my shirt off. I crawl on top of her and nibble her ear as she giggles with delight.

"Shh…you do realize that we are only about fifteen feet from the kitchen Clary."

She only giggles louder as she unhooks my belt and opens my jeans before sliding her hands inside my boxers. I can't help the yelp that escapes my mouth when she forcefully takes my length in her hand.

"Fuck Clary! Eager much?"

"I can't help it; I want you." Her tone sounds embarrassed.

"Why are you embarrassed by that baby?"

"You make me feel like I'm moving too fast."

"Oh no baby; you're not moving too fast. What you have your fingers curled around right now should tell you just how much I want you right now."

"I can feel you; how does this feel?" She begins to stroke me slowly through my boxers and I groan at the sensation.

"I love the way you touch me Clary." I purr.

"How do you want me to touch you Jace?" Fuck she sounds so sexy right now.

"What you are doing right now feels pretty damn good actually."

"You feel good in my hand but I think my lips might be getting a little eager to taste you."

Oh my fucking god! She uses her tongue to pull her bottom lip into her mouth before she slowly drags her teeth across her moist flesh as she continues to stroke me. Seeing her do that, seeing the look in her green eyes and feeling her hand wrapped around me is enough to make me almost cum in my boxers.

"Christ I love you Clary."

I'm lying on my back still trying to gain control of my breathing as I watch Clary change into a white sun dress that clings deliciously to her swollen belly. I continue to watch her as she pulls her long curls over her shoulder and begins to braid her hair as she smiles sweetly at me.

"Sorry baby." I manage a raged apology.

"Sorry for what?"

"I didn't think I was going to cum that fast."

"Don't be sorry; at least I know I'm not terrible at it."

"Terrible? You have got to be kidding me right? You have no idea just how not terrible you are at that baby."

"That's good to know; maybe I will do that more often now that I know just how much you enjoy it."

"Come here and let me thank you." I purr.

"I just did my hair Jace; I don't want to have sex hair when we go out there for lunch."

"If you sit on my face your hair will still look perfect."

She slaps my bare stomach with her tiny hand and it makes a loud smack in the small bedroom; I didn't even see the blow coming and I groan loudly as I roll to my side while holding my welted stomach.

"Jace Wayland! The mouth on you!"

"Who are you trying to fool Clary? You love my filthy mouth; especially my skilled tongue." My words come out broken in a fit of laughter; and I only laugh harder when she swats my butt as she climbs on top of me and begins to tickle my ribs. A knock at the door stills her tickling fingers but she is still laughing when she gets up and opens the door; Em's eyebrows are raised in question when she see the two of us laughing.

"Am I interrupting something?"

"No, not at all." I tell her as I sit up on the bed.

"Are you sure because Clary's cheeks are bright red and your pants are wide open; not to mention it seems you have lost your shirt."

Clary makes a small squeaking noise and bolts from the bedroom as I quickly do up my jeans and fasten my belt before grabbing my t-shirt off the floor and sliding it on.

"Sorry about that Emma."

"You don't have to be sorry Jace; I think it's sweet that you two are still hot for each other even though Clary has a big old pregnant belly."

"I think her belly is sexy."

"Seriously?"

"You have no idea Em. I can't keep my hands off of her; come to think of it I never could keep my hands off of her. I promise we will try to behave ourselves for the next ten days."

"Nah, you don't have to behave yourselves but please keep in mind that my bedroom wall is on the other side of that headboard. Sandy needs her rest so maybe you could keep your late nights not too late. Other than that; feel free to fuck like rabbits while you're here."

"As long as Clary stay's in the mood she's in most likely we will. I guess you could say we have some lost time to make up for."

"Lost time? What do you mean?"

"Let's just say we had a bit of a dry spell for the past three weeks."

"Oh…sorry…you two are okay now though right?"

"Of course; we are great."

"Then why the dry spell?"

"She was having a lot of pain in her hips and she wasn't sleeping well."

"Her hips were hurting? Why did she hurt herself?"

"Emma how can you; on one hand know so much about the female body; yet so little at the same time? Hip pain is normal during pregnancy; her hips are spreading to get ready for the birth you dumb ass."

"I might be a female but I am not a breeder Jace. Can we stop talking about hips being spread and go eat some lunch? If we hurry up we can still catch some good waves before the tide goes out."

We are all sitting at the table eating Em's famous fish tacos when I remember that Clary still needs to get a swim suit. One look at Em and I know that nothing that fits her tall muscular frame will fit Clary. Em is only two inches shorter than I am; her bathing suits would fit me more than they would fit little tiny Clary. I steal a glance at Sandra and decide that maybe she would have something that might fit Clary. Sandra is only about two inches taller than Clary and is of medium build; her waist, hips and shoulders; hell even her thighs are larger that Clary's tiny body but since Clary is pregnant maybe Sandra's clothes would fit her.

"Sandra? Do you have an extra swim suit that Clary could borrow until we get to the store?"

"Me wear a swim suit? Jace I wear shorts and a tank top; I don't do bikinis; those are Ems swimming attire."

"I might have something for you Clary; come back to my bedroom and we will see if one of my old suits fits you. If not we can just swing by one of the shops on our way to the beach."

Clary gives me an unsure look as Em drags her down the hall to the bedroom; Sandra keeps her brown eyes on her plate as the kitchen grows quite in Clary and Ems absence.

"How are your ribs today Sandra?"

"Sore but I'm not complaining."

"That's good to hear." My voice sounds just as uncomfortable as I feel right now.

"If you have something to say to me Jace just get it over with. I know Em told you I have cancer."

Fuck! Sandra just blurts it out as though it's the most normal thing in the world. I don't know why I'm so surprised; Sandra's bluntness is one of the things I enjoy most about her character.

"I don't really have anything to say about it Sandra. I mean I'm sorry you're sick and I am devastated for Emma but I support your decision."

Sandra takes a moment to look at me as though she is trying to decide whether or not to believe what I said.

"Well…thanks I guess." She mumbles.

"Emma really loves you." I blurt out like an idiot.

"I know she does and I love her too but love won't keep me from dying Jace. I am so glad the two of you are on good terms again because she is really going to need you to be her friend after I'm gone."

"I'm always going to be here for Em."

"Will you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Clary? The baby? Getting married? Where does Em fit into all of that?"

"I will make time for Emma."

"Sure you say that now Jace but things change when people have kids and…"

"What the fuck do you expect from me Sandra? Should I just throw away everything good in my life for Emma?"

"What's going on out here?" Clary's voice makes me jump; I thought her and Emma were still down the hallway. I turn to see the two of them with confused looks on their faces.

"Nothing." Sandra says as she gets up from her seat at the table.

"Sandy what were you and Jace talking about?" Em asks.

"Nothing to be concerned about." I say as I follow Sandra out of the house.

The ten minute drive to the beach is quite and the tension of unspoken words fill the inside of the truck heavily. Once Emma finds a parking spot the four of us make our way towards the sandy beach; I carry two surf boards under each arm and trail behind the girls as they run off ahead of me. This should be an interesting day. Sandra is pissed at me and Em and Clary keep looking at me with suspicion in their eyes; I always wanted Clary and Em to get along well but right now I almost feel like they are plotting against me somehow with how close they are staying together. I watch as Clary peels off her white sundress to reveal a simple black bikini; her round belly sticks out beautifully and her pale skin looks almost white as snow in contrast of her black swimsuit. Clary takes the time to apply sunscreen to her body and Emma helps her with the spots she can't reach. Watching the two of them I am torn between two emotions. On one hand I am extremely disappointed that Clary doesn't ask me to help her with her sunscreen; on the other hand I am once again disturbingly turned on by the sight of Emma touching Clary. I avert my eyes away from them and focus on kicking the sand around with my feet. I don't even get the chance to talk to Clary before Em drags her out into the water to teach her how to get up on the surfboard to float across the small waves near the shore; Em wanted to teach Clary how to stand up on the board but I threw a fit; claiming that the baby could be harmed if she fell by accident.

Sandra makes her way down the beach a little further to sit by herself with a book to keep her busy while the rest of us splash around in the ocean. Every time I make my way towards Clary and Em they both give me dirty looks and move away from me in the water; I decide to get on my board and paddle out farther into the ocean with the hopes of catching the last of the good waves before the tide goes out for the evening. I manage to ride three good waves before the surf pulls too far away from the shore and settles for the night and now I am lying on my back as I float in the water on my surfboard.

"I think we should probably get ready to go back to the apartment since Sandy seems to have fallen asleep over there." Em says just before she flips my board and I end up swallowing a big gulp of salt water. We make our way out of the water and I begin to gather the three boards awkwardly and carry them towards the truck as Em and Clary make their way over to wake up Sandra. After I shut the tailgate to Emma's truck I turn around to see Em and Clary attempting to carry Sandra towards the truck and I quickly run over to help.

"Here give her to me and I will carry her to the truck; Clary you shouldn't be straining like that."

I lift Sandra into my arms and begin to carry her towards the truck as she mumble about me being an asshole and that she doesn't need to be carried; even though she said she didn't need to be carried she makes no attempt to struggle free from my arms and she even gives me a small smile when I put her in the backseat of the truck.

"Clary do you want to drive back? I think I will sit in the back with Sandy."

"I don't know; I'm kind of tired but maybe Jace would be willing to drive."

I take the keys from Em without speaking and our ten minute drive back to the apartment is just as quiet as the ride to the beach was hours ago. After I carry Sandra to her and Ems bedroom so that she can sleep a little longer I return to the living room to find Em half asleep on the couch and decide to go and find Clary. I hear the shower running in the bathroom that is next to the bedroom that Clary and I are staying in and realize that she must be washing the sand off her body; I am disappointed to find the door locked and decide to go to the kitchen to seek out some food.

An hour later I have managed to make a pretty decent batch of stir fry for everyone and go in the living room to wake up Em; she kicked me in the shin and told me to fuck off. I don't bother going to wake up Sandra; I figure she needs her rest and she hits harder than Emma does anyhow. Opening the door to the guest bedroom I find Clary lying on her back with both of her hands on her round belly and to my surprise she smiles at me when I walk towards her.

"Are you hungry? I made stir fry."

"Yes I am hungry actually."

She places her hand in mine and I lead her to the kitchen where I bring her a plate of stir fry and sit down across from her with my own plate. We are both about halfway through our plate of food when Sandra stumbles into the kitchen with a small grin on her face.

"Who cooked this?" She asks as she plucks a piece of broccoli out of the pan and pops it into her mouth.

"I did; please have some; I made enough for everybody."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely. I was going to wake you up but Em kicked me when I woke her up so I figured you would punch me in the sack for waking you up."

"Emma kicked you?" Clary asks in disbelief.

"And told me to fuck off; that's just the kind of friendship we have Clary so don't look so worried."

"Yeah well any other day I probably would have punched you in the sack for waking me up but not today Jace."

"Really? What make today so special?"

"You were nice to me; you carried me to the truck and you even tucked me in when you put me to bed."

"Sandra; I am nice all the time you know; you just never give me a chance because you are too cold all the time."

"Cold? Not me; you are just too sensitive." She jokes as she begins to shovel food into her mouth.

I finish putting the dirty dishes into the dishwasher and put the left over dinner in the fridge for Emma to eat when she gets up from her nap. I hand Clary and Sandra each a cup of hot tea and kiss Clary behind her ear and am rewarded when she shivers.

"I'm going to get a shower baby. Do you need anything before I go?" I purr suggestively into her ear; hoping she might just come and join me in the shower. She just waves me off; she must be egger to get Sandra all to herself for a while; she must want to see if she can find out what the two of us were talking about before we went to the beach.

When I get out of the shower I find Clary sitting on the edge of our bed with tear filled eyes. I kneel on the floor in front of her before placing my hands on her knees.

"What's wrong baby?"

"Why didn't you tell me that she was sick Jace?"

"It wasn't my business to repeat."

"But…you should have told me anyhow. Do you have any idea how stupid I feel now?"

"Why do you feel stupid?"

"Because I just got done telling Sandra that she was acting crazy; I told her that you and Emma do love each other but not like you and I love each other."

"I'm not sure I follow here Clary."

"When Em and I walked into the kitchen earlier today; I thought Sandra was accusing you of being in love with Emma. Apparently I heard the wrong part of that conversation; she told me that she was dying and that all she meant was that she hopes you won't forget about Emma after the baby comes and everything. Jace I feel like such an idiot; that's what I get for eves dropping."

I get off the floor and sit beside Clary on the bed before pulling her to my side as I wrap my arms around her and kiss her cheek.

"I wouldn't worry too much about it Clary; Sandra seams a little cold most of the time but she actually has a really good sense of humor so I'm sure this will all be a joke by tomorrow morning."

Clary looks at me with panic in her eyes as she grips my face in her small hands.

"Jace! You have to take care of Emma after Sandra's gone. You just have to."

"You and our baby are my first priority Clary but I will do my best to take care of Emma any way I can; you know that."

"She was your friend long before I came along." She says sadly.

"Stop that! Clary I love you. You and our daughter are my entire world. I love Emma and I always will but my family comes first. You and the baby are my family; end of story."

"Will you promise to do your best to make time for Emma after the baby comes?"

"I promise; now let's go see if the girls want to watch a movie or something."

By the end of the second movie I look around the living room to find three sleeping girls. With a loud sigh I lift Clary into my arms and put her to bed before returning to the living room to do the same for Sandra and Em. Sandra calls me a dick as I cover her up and I just laugh softly before going to get Emma. I lift Emma into my arms and her blond hair smells like saltwater and her tan arms are warm as they wrap tightly around my neck.

"Please don't forget me Jace." She whispers softly against my neck.

"I love you Em; I could never forget you." I whisper back before kissing her cheek as I lay her down next to Sandra and cover her with the blanket. I sit on the edge of the bed and stroke her blond hair for what feels like hours; it's hard to believe that this is the girl that I lusted after only a few years ago. Looking at her now and having such a deep friendship for her makes me almost laugh at the memory.

"I still can't believe you two have to go home already; it seems like you just got here and it's hard to believe that you have been here for ten days." Emma's voice shakes as Clary and I stand at the boarding gate of the airport.

"Don't you start crying Emma; you will make me cry." Clary whimpers as she hugs Emma tightly. I smile as I watch Sandra rub Clary's belly for a moment and quickly look away when I see tears in her brown eyes.

"I just hope I am still around to meet this little one." Sandra chokes on her words while her hands remain on Clary's belly. Fuck now all three of them are sobbing loudly and they are having a group hug right here in the middle of the damn airport; the sight of the three of them holding each other and crying hysterically makes an uncomfortable lump form in my throat. I busy myself with the carry-on luggage to keep from crying like an idiot right along with them.

I manage to say my goodbyes to Em and Sandra without shedding any tears and I am holding Clary's hand as she sits next to me on the plane. Clary won't stop crying and I am lost for idea's as to how to get her tears to stop; within an hour she ends up crying herself to sleep. I wake Clary up when the flight attendant announces that we will be landing; we gather our luggage from the conveyer belt and now we are sitting in the back of the cab that will take us back to the institute. Clary has my IPod and she has her eyes closed as she listens to music; I decide to send a few texts on our ride home.

_**Me: 217-0226 – Made it back on solid ground. Thanks again for having us. Miss you already. **_**: -(**

_**Em: 539-7010- You have no idea how nice it was 2 spend 10 days with u &amp; Clary. I will check my schedule &amp; see if I can make a trip 2 the big apple soon. Miss u 2. Love ya.**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Love you.**_

_**Me: 217-0226- Just left the airport. I will see if maybe mamma wants to get together with you tomorrow.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- How was your trip? Mamma?**_

_**Me: 217-0226- LA was great. Sucks we had to come home already but mamma(Clary) has a doctors apt tomorrow.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Must be nice to lay around on the beach for 10 days. Does our moody little red head know that you are calling her mamma?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – You could have come. No one says you can't portal so stop with the guilt trip. I haven't called MY moody little red head mamma yet…it just came out when I started to text you…come to think of it…don't tell her I was calling her that…I'd like to keep my balls attached to my body.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- Wasn't guilt tripping you…was just saying that's all…geez lighten up DADDY! Hmmm don't tell Clary? Sounds like possible black mail material to me…what do I get for not telling her huh huh?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – I'll tell you what Simon…DADDY will let you keep YOUR balls attached.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – HAHA…I'm shaking right now Jace.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- Not even close to shaking…in case you misread my sarcasm in the previous text.**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Blah Blah Blah.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – How is Clary by the way? I didn't hear from her the whole time u 2 were gone. (NO GUILT TRIP…Just saying)**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – She had a blast in LA…Em and her were inseparable and Sandra was their ring leader the whole time. I know how jealous u r that I was in an apt with 3 hot babes but let me tell you…not EVEN as exciting as you would want it to be. **_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – LOL…I take it the lesbians were major cock blockers then?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – WOW!**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – I am so telling YOUR moody little red head you said that…tell your balls I said R.I.P.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – shit… **_**: -(**

_**Me: 217-0226- Tell you what Simon…I can either tell her what you said OOOORRRR…I can give you DETAILS (GRAPHIC GRAPHIC) details about why I may or may not have a chaffing problem after 10 days in LA.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – DEAR GOD (at least I can text that word) NO! NO DETAILS PLEASE…R.I.P. balls I will miss them so much.**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Sick fucker…the chaffing is from the sand you idiot…I would never disrespect Clary like that. Tell your balls that they can come out of their hiding spot…Iz might miss them more than you and frankly she scares me.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – um…thanks…for the clarification about the chaffing…and for respecting Clary (NOT TRYING TO BE MUSHY BUT I KNOW U WOULDN'T TELL ME THAT SHIT ANYHOW)**_

_**Me: 217-0226 - ? What? You mean to tell me you have nothing to say about my confession about being scared of Izzy? R U feeling OK? Do you need BLOOD?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- I'd rather not talk about your sister.**_

_**Me: 217-0226- Why?**_

Simon doesn't text me back so I decide to call Alec to let him know we will be home in a few minutes.

"_Hey Jace; how the hell are you?"_

"I'm doing well Alec. Are you home?"

"_Um…no…I'm actually at Magnus's. Why?"_

"Clary and I will be home in about five minutes. Where is our lovely sister?"

"_Shit…sorry Jace I must have lost track of time. I will see you at home in about fifteen minutes."_

"There is no need to rush. Where is Izzy?"

"_What the hell are you talking about Jace; I haven't seen you and Clary for 10 days; of course I will rush home. In fact I am walking towards the institute as we speak. Maybe we could all go grab some dinner since there isn't much food in the house anyhow. Honestly I think if it weren't for you going to the grocery store the rest of us would starve."_

"I'm up for going to get some dinner but I want everyone there; so for the third time where is our sister at Alec?"

"_I'm not exactly sure but I will get her rounded up and we can decide where to eat once we are all at the institute. Should I invite Magnus or no?"_

"I said I wanted everyone there so yes invite him. Look we are pulling up to the institute now so I will see you when you get home okay."

"_Yep, see you in ten minutes. Bye Jace."_

"Bye."

I shove my phone in my pocket and take Clary's hand in mine as we exit the cab and after gathering our luggage we make our way up to our bedroom where Clary flops on the bed and buries her face into the pillows. I drop our bags on the floor and lay on the bed beside her; I run my hand over the small of her back as I begin to speak to her.

"You okay baby?"

"No." She mumbles into the pillow.

"Talk to me Clary; tell me what's wrong."

She rolls over and her bright green eyes stare at me in disbelief. Christ why is she looking at me like that? Did I do something? Did I miss something?

"I can't stop thinking about what she said to me."

"Who? Said what?"

"Sandy. She said she hopes she will be around to meet our baby."

Clary runs her hands over her belly as she frowns with glassy eyes; new tears are threatening to spill over her eyelashes. Fuck! She has cried too much today; all that crying can't be good for the baby. Who am I kidding? All that crying isn't good for me. I know why she is hurting and the fact that there isn't anything I can do to make her pain go away makes me feel helpless. I wish I could tell her that Sandra will be here to meet our daughter when she is born but I fear that I will be telling her a lie that I can't take back. Emma said that Sandra only had roughly six months to live and with Clary's due date only a little over four months away the odds aren't in Sandra's favor. Even if Sandra were still alive in four months the odds of her being well enough to travel to New York to visit will be slim to none. Shadow hunters heal fast but Clary will still need a couple of weeks of rest so it's not like we will be able to go to LA right away either.

At a loss for any kind of soothing words; I just wrap my arms around her and hug her tightly as she begins to cry loudly against my chest. I plant small kisses on her temple as I whisper empty promises of things being alright for Sandra. Clary's crying tapers off as she slide her hand under my shirt; at first I think she just wants the comfort of feeling my skin but she shoves my shoulder to roll me onto my back as she climbs on my hips. Her tiny fingers are knotted in my t-shirt as she pulls it off of me and the look in her eyes tells me she is looking for a way different kind of comfort than just the feel of my skin under her palms. She doesn't wait for me to remove her shirt; she pulls her tank top off and quickly removes her bra before she takes off her shorts and underwear. Her small hands quickly remove my shorts and boxers and she wraps her fingers around my shaft long enough to guide me to her center. Her movements are so fast that she cries out in pain as she lowers herself onto me.

"Easy baby." I breathe.

She closes her eyes and begins to grind her hips at an alarming speed and within a few minutes her moans sound like painful cries instead of pleasure. Her body isn't ready for me and her center is painfully tight as she grinds herself against me. I try to grip her hips to slow her down but she just swats my hands away from her body. The look on her face and the sounds that are coming out of her mouth cause me to feel overwhelmed; I clamp my hands over my ears and close my eyes as she somehow grinds her hips faster and faster on top of me. I realize it would be pointless to tell her to stop; I get the feeling that she wouldn't hear me anyhow. I wish my fucking body would do what my brain wants it to. I wish my erection would go away right now; if I went soft right now that would stop her wild movements but my body defies me as I feel my climax coming on fast.

"GO AWAY! WE ARE BUSY IN HERE!" Clary's shouts make me uncover my ears and open my eyes. Alec must have been knocking at our bedroom door. I can feel embarrassment coloring my cheeks and a surprising amount of anger begins to fill my chest because my body continues to defy me. With a few more thrust of her hips I spill into her and feel my shaft begin to soften inside of her but she continues to grind her hips against mine. When I soften completely she rolls off of me and lets out a loud breath as she flops onto the mattress beside me; her green eyes stare at the ceiling in frustration.

After all her wild movements on my body she never even got to reach her climax and now she is angry; I on the other hand am completely lost for words and even slightly disturbed by her…what word am I looking for here?...assault?...attack? I am so fucking confused right now. I just lay beside her and stare at the ceiling with her as both of our breathing begins to return to normal again.

"Someone was knocking at your bedroom door. I'm assuming it was Alec so you should probably go see what he wanted; tell him I'm sorry for shouting at him." Clary's voice is clear and shockingly unaffected by what just happened only a few short minutes ago and I once again am at a loss for words as I roll off the bed to find my clothes. I glance at her as she uses her tank top to wipe her legs off before she walks to the dresser to find new clothes. Who the fuck is she right now? Where is my sweet little red head? Seeing her round belly where my unborn daughter is warm and safe only confuses me further when I look at her angry face. I just remembered that I told Alec that we would go to dinner; shit I am almost afraid to even mention it to this angry little red head right now.

"Um…baby…I kind of told Alec that we would all get together for dinner but…"

"That's sounds great; I'm starving and I would really like to see everyone. Should I text Simon or is he already coming?"

There is that unaffected tone again. Christ! What am I going to do with her? Maybe I am just being too sensitive about all of this. Maybe I should just shake off my uneasy feeling and try to forget what just happened.

"I didn't get the chance to ask him actually so yeah go ahead and text him. I am going to find Alec so I will meet you downstairs in a little bit."

She nods her head as she pulls a t-shirt over her head before she walks into our bathroom and closes the door. I find Alec in his room; his thumbs text rapidly on his phone and I have to clear my throat so he knows I am even standing at his doorway. His blue eyes narrow as his eyebrows tighten.

"What was going on in there Jace?"

"I'm sure you have an imagination Alec; it shouldn't be that hard to figure out what we were doing." I attempt to say casually.

"I'm not stupid Jace it's just Clary…she sounded so…uh…were you hurting her? She sounded like she was in pain."

"Look Alec I'm pretty damn embarrassed about all of this and I really don't want to tell you about Clary and I's private moment but just so you know I wasn't exactly the one in control of that particular situation."

"You embarrassed? Since when? Hell Jace I have walked in on you having sex in a public bathroom and all you ever did was grin at me and told me to wait my turn. And what do you mean you weren't in control?"

"Fucking some random girl in a bathroom is different from what Clary and I have. I guess the reason why I'm embarrassed is because of the question you asked me."

"Huh?"

"You asked me if I was hurting her; I know what she must have sounded like to you and I can see how you would blame me for that but I promise you that was all her doing not mine."

"Shit; who would have guessed that Clary was a kinky little thing." He chuckles.

"Shut up Alec! She's not; don't say that. She…what she did…that was the first time anything like that happened and I'm still trying to process it to be honest with you."

"Process it? What exactly did she do?"

"Fuck Alec! I really don't feel comfortable talking about this."

"The look on your face tells me that you are kind of freaking out over this Jace but are you freaking out because you don't want to talk about it or are you freaking out because of what she did?"

"Both I guess…I don't know what to think Alec. One minute she was crying against my chest and the next minute she is ripping our clothes off and…she…god she was going so fast…I tried to stop her when I heard the sounds of pain coming out of her mouth but she just slapped my hands and went faster…I felt…powerless I guess."

"Jace you are twice her size; why didn't you just tell her to stop or maybe even push her off of you?"

"I don't think she would have heard me if I asked her to stop. As far as me pushing her off of me…I don't know why I didn't…maybe I was afraid of what she would do if I tried to stop her considering she slapped me when I just tried to get her to even slow down. I don't know…I guess that's not even the worst part really."

"What do you mean?"

"After it was over she just acted like it was no big deal; like what she did wasn't kind of on the crazy side. Am I being paranoid here Alec or should I be concerned for her because of this?"

"You're always paranoid Jace but let me ask you something. What was she crying about before she…um…well did what she did?"

"Sandra said something that upset her before we left LA."

"What did she say?"

"Sandra was rubbing Clary's belly and she told her that she really hoped that she would still be around to meet the baby when she is born."

"Shit…poor Clary. I mean poor Sandra but poor Clary too."

"I don't know what to do Alec."

"There really isn't anything you can do Jace; just be there for her I guess."

"I am; of course I am here for her but holy fuck Alec…I don't think I can go through something like that again…the look on her face…it was like she was a different person almost…I had to shut my eyes and cover my ears…no…no I can't let something like that happen again…call me crazy but I almost feel…violated sort of and that is just…disturbing really."

"You really feel that way; violated I mean?"

"Yeah; I guess I do. I hate that I feel this way but the entire time I was wishing that my body would listen to my brain. I never in my life wanted to NOT have an erection like I did when she was on top of me; I kept trying to go soft but…well you're a dude so you can understand my dilemma right?"

"Wow; that is kind of disturbing then. Never in a million years would I have thought that a tiny thing like Clary; not to mention pregnant too; would do something like that. Do we dare mention the elephant in the room here Jace?"

"What elephant?"

"Um…you do realize that since you feel violated and that you wanted nothing more than for your…uh…erection to go away; well doesn't that mean that she sort of…shit…did you get raped?"

"No! Fuck no! Oh god Alec…I don't know what to think right now. Can we just go to dinner; Clary is probably waiting for us downstairs and she said she was starving."

"Yeah, Yeah; let's go eat. Izzy will probably already be at Taki's by now and Magnus should be there too even. Shit; you didn't invite Simon did you?"

"I didn't but Clary did. Why?"

"Personally I could care less but I get the feeling that something is going on between him and Izzy."

"Well they are big kids and Clary wants to have dinner with everyone so they will just have to get over whatever is going on between them for Clary's sake. I think Simon and Izzy can be cordial for an hour while we all eat dinner."

I close the door on the elevator and push the button to take us downstairs and I narrow my eyes at Alec as I fist my hand in his shirt.

"What the hell Jace?"

"Don't be fucking weird around Clary. I don't want her to know that I talked to you about us okay."

"It's cool Jace; I promise not to be weird around her."

I open the elevator and find Clary sitting on the long bench with a smile on her face as she sees Alec and I step into the hallway. She jumps up and almost skips across the wood floor so she can hug Alec.

"Oh Alec! I have missed you so much. How are you? How is Magnus? You look great." Her sweet voice reminds me of the girl I fell in love with as she speaks to my brother.

"I missed you too Clary. I'm good and so is Magnus. I think your belly got bigger in ten days girl and it looks like you got a little sun too." Alec smiles down at her and I am relieved at his cool tone; he is keeping to his word by not acting weird around Clary.

"I know; would you look at this thing! Another week or two and I think my feet will disappear." She jokes as she runs her hands over her round belly.

Alec rubs her belly and I chuckle when he bends down and kiss's my unborn daughter as he whispers that he missed her too. Clary walks over and slides her arm through mine as she smile up at me; I do my best to return her smile as we exit the institute. When we get to Taki's we find Izzy and Magnus waiting for us and of course fucking Kailea is at the table talking to Izzy; hearing the small growl that escapes Clary's mouth as she grips my arm tightly makes my pulse jump. This is not going to be a good dinner; I can feel it already. Clary is not acting like herself at all today and I get the feeling that Kailea just might be her next victim; it's fucked up but I can't help but smile at this thought.

Clary hugs Izzy and Magnus before she slides into the booth and I sit down next to her; keeping my body towards the edge of the booth in case I feel the need to bolt. Before Kailea can speak the bell on the front door chimes and in walks Simon with a huge grin on his face when he spots us. A second later the grin disappears when he sees Izzy turn around to watch him walk towards the table. Izzy looks at me with a grimace on her face but quickly changes it to a smile as she looks at Clary. I get up and let Simon sit beside Clary; the vampire can be my shield against my unstable red head today. Kailea smiles at me like she wants to fuck me right on the table and I shift my eyes away from her.

"Izzy told me you were in LA again. How was your trip? Hopefully you got to actually enjoy your visit this time instead of training the whole time. You must be so stressed Jace and you really deserve to just kick back and relax for a while."

"Eh-hem…Kailea could you stop flirting with the father of my child and just take our drink order already?" Clary's words are venomous and I fight the urge to laugh at my feisty girl; Simon makes it hard for me to keep a straight face by giggling at Clary's spiteful words.

"Relax Clary; I wasn't flirting with him. Jace is my friend and I have known him a lot longer than he has even been with you so just chill." Kailea spits back.

"You really are as stupid as you look aren't you. You are stupid if you think Jace is your friend; you are nothing to him Kailea. He fucked you and now he wants nothing to do with you so just keep your filthy eyes off of him and do you damn job." Her words are ice cold and cut sharply.

"I'm stupid? Sure okay maybe I am stupid and yes maybe I do flirt with him but there is a difference in me just wanting his company from time to time and what you did to him." Kailea's face is red now and her voice is too loud; people are starting to stare.

"What is that supposed to mean? What did I do to him?"

"You played him like a fiddle; you used your so-called innocence to make him feel bad for having sex with you and then you went and got yourself pregnant; you trapped him. You are a heartless little bitch Clary."

"Let me out!" Clary shrieks as she nudges Simon with her elbow; I keep my feet planted firmly on the floor as I use my shoulder to keep Simon in the seat beside me. I risk looking at Clary only to find her face beat red and her green eyes are about as menacing as I have ever seen them. I have got to find a way to diffuse this situation. The rest of my dinner party guest seem to have gone mute as they are mentally taking bets on this girl fight that is about to erupt.

I whisper for Simon to make sure Clary stays put and jump out of my seat; I grab Kailea not so gently by her elbow and drag her outside and shove her against the brick wall before I let her go.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Kailea? I don't want you. You are a shitty lay anyhow and that's not even the point. The point is that I love Clary. She didn't play me and she sure as hell didn't trap me so just keep your fucking mouth shut about her and I. You think you know everything but you don't know a fucking thing. I am so fucking tired of coming in here and feeling my skin crawl because of the way you look at me and because of the way you talk to me. Get over yourself already. Even if I wasn't with Clary I still wouldn't want you. Do you understand that Kailea? I will never want you; you are nothing to me."

"You told me once that I gave you the best blow job of your life."

"Fuck you Kailea."

"Yes exactly, fuck me! Jace what happened to you? You used to be so carefree and fun and you and I had some great times but you're different now. What makes some little red haired girl that's flat chested and looks like a fucking twelve year old so special? It's that it Jace? Do you have some sick fetish for little girls? I feel so bad for your daughter you are one sick…"

But she never got to finish that sentence because Clary came out of nowhere and punched her hard enough to knock her to the ground. Simon grabs Clary and drags her about ten feet backwards as she screams loudly.

"You fucking bitch! Simon let me go! I am going to kill you Kailea! I am going to cut your fucking tits off you piece of shit! God damn it Simon let me go now!"

I just stand there between my shrieking girlfriend (shit we are engaged now so I guess she is my fiancé) and Kailea; who is still lying on the ground with blood pouring out of her nose and my eyes go wide when I see her holding one of her front teeth in her hand. Magnus, Alec and Izzy are standing in the doorway of the restaurant with the look of shock on their faces as Clary continues to spit obscenities.

"Jace! For Christ sakes can I get a little help with her please?" Simon's voice is full of panic as Clary begins to kick her feet wildly. Just when I snap out of my daze Clary manages to wiggle out of Simons hands only to have me grab her as she attempts to go after Kailea. Clary shrieks so loud it hurts my ears as she begins to pound her fist against my chest.

"Let me go Jace! I promise I won't kill her just let me at her for two fucking minutes!"

I nod my head at Simon so he will get behind Clary in case she manages to get past me as I let go of her waist so I can cup her face in my hands.

"Baby stop please." I keep my voice soft.

"But she…" Her voice cracks as her green eyes widen when she see me tilt my head towards her; I press my lips lightly against hers to stop her from talking. She attempts to try to shove me away from her but her whole body is trembling and her shoves only feel like gentle nudges. I grip her face tighter so she will focus her eyes on mine.

"She is not worth it do you hear me Clary; she is not worth it." I whisper.

"I hate her! How are you so calm?"

"Listen to me baby; you are everything to me. You and our daughter are my life and I don't give two shits what kind of fucked up things that little whore has to say; that's why I am so calm. Right now I need you, I mean I really, really need you to calm down too because you are just too upset; please think about the baby Clary. Think about all the stress our beautiful daughter must be feeling right now."

"I'm…s-sorry…I-I…"

"Shh it's okay Clary; don't be sorry you don't have anything to be sorry for okay. Come on let's go home."

"I ruined dinner; we didn't even get to order anything."

"Don't you worry about that okay; Alec is going to go get a couple of pizzas and we can all eat at home."

"Not all of us; Simon can't eat with us. I mean he doesn't eat anyhow but he can't be at the institute."

"It's okay Clary I can just see you tomorrow okay. We can get together for coffee and catch up but I think you should go home."

I keep my hands on her shoulders as she turns around to look at Simon and I let her go so they can hug each other. I can see Izzy out of the corner of my eye; she is pulling Kailea up off the sidewalk. Izzy and Kailea disappear inside of the restaurant and I nod at Alec and Magnus and the two of them give me the same look of sympathy as they turn to walk towards the pizza shop.

"I'll call you tomorrow and we can definitely get together; Simon I have missed you so much." Clary whispers to her friend as he rubs her shoulders.

"I've missed you too Clary but I think you should let Jace take you home now; I think you just need to go home and relax."

They hug once more and Simon turns Clary around to face me where I take her small hand in mine. Simon throws himself at me and gives me an awkward side hug as I freeze in place; just as he breaks our hug I pat him on the back and I can hear Clary giggling at the two of us.

"Take care of our girl Jace." Simons voice is low and strained as he looks at me.

"See you tomorrow Simon." I simply respond.

Just as we reach the steps of the institute I can hear the rapid clicking of Izzy's high heels as she runs across the street to catch up with us. Clary lets Izzy take her inside and I tell them I will be in shortly. I slide down onto the steps and let out a puff of air from lungs that feels like I was holding onto since Clary punched Kailea. My phone buzzes in my pocket so I take it out to see who is texting me.

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – What the hell is wrong with her?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – She's just stressed out right now.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Why?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Different reasons…I can explain better in person.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Okay when can we meet up then?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – I'll text you later…maybe tonight after she goes to sleep?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Anytime will be fine.**_

I shove my phone back into my jeans as I head into the institute; I find Clary and Izzy in the kitchen talking in hushed whispers. When they see me enter the kitchen they both stop talking and turn to look at me; Izzy is smiling softly at me and Clary's face is full of apology.

"Iz…um Alec texted me; he wants you to meet them at the pizza parlor with some cash." I lie.

"Cash? Why?"

"I guess the credit card machine is broken." I add another layer to the lie.

"Okaaay…well I will be back soon then Clary." Izzy pats Clary's hair as she exits the kitchen. I wait about ten seconds and tell Clary I will be right back because I wanted to tell Izzy to bring drinks back too. Once in the hall; I jog to catch my sister before she can leave.

"Iz wait up a second."

"What?"

"I totally just lied to you in there; Alec never texted me but I need to talk to Clary for a minute and I didn't want her to think I made you leave."

"That's okay Jace; I kind of had a feeling you were lying anyhow because Alec would have just texted me. Whatever the hell is going on with her you need fix it Jace. I have never seen her like that before; and the things she said…I don't think I have ever heard her swear so much before."

"Thanks for not blowing my cover sis. I'll fix this…she's just…stressed and hormonal I guess. I need to get back in there now."

"Sure; see you in a bit."

I watch her leave the institute and I go back to the kitchen to find Clary with tears in her eyes; fuck!

"Jace I don't know what came over me today; please forgive my crazy behavior?"

I drop to my knees in front of her and rest my cheek on her belly as I hug her body; she rests her hands on my shoulders.

"Fuck Kailea; don't even worry about that okay." I mumble into her shirt.

"I'm not talking about what happened at Taki's." Her voice is so low I have to lift my head to hear her.

"Then what are you talking about?" I ask cautiously.

"What I did to you upstairs; Jace I…"

"No baby it's alright." I cut her off in a rush of words.

"It's not alright Jace. You had your hands over your ears and you had your eyes closed; you even tried to stop me but I just slapped your hands away." She sounds so sad as she looks down at me.

"Tell me what was going through your head when that was happening?" I ask.

"I don't know…I guess I just wanted to be distracted for a while and get lost you know."

"I can understand that but why like that? Clary you were hurting yourself; not to mention you kind of scared me."

"I'm sorry I scared you Jace."

"I'm fine but why were you hurting yourself?" My voice is filled with urgency.

"I wasn't trying to hurt myself on purpose but the pain was a distraction."

"I could have distracted you and it wouldn't have hurt you. All you had to do was…"

"I get what you're saying but I guess I just needed to be the one in control; like if I could control that then I would be able to stop seeing her face; I would be able to stop hearing her words."

"I get it now; I think I can understand your thought process but did it work?"

"I thought it did but then all I could think about was the look on your face; between that and that bitch Kailea I guess I kind of lost it at Taki's."

"Please don't do something like that again; not the Kailea thing the other thing; you really did scare me Clary."

"I'm so sorry I scared you; I guess I didn't realize how that must have been for you. Why didn't you tell me to stop?"

"I didn't think you would have even heard me."

"Oh…probably not but you could have stopped me; Jace you are twice my size."

"I was afraid of what you would do if I pushed you off of me." I confess.

"I don't understand; you were…hard…you even…"

"I didn't want to be hard; I didn't want to cum but I didn't have control over my body. I never wanted control over my body more than I did at that moment; I didn't enjoy that at all Clary. Just because I had an orgasm doesn't mean I enjoyed it; my body defied what my mind and heart were trying to scream."

As much as I hate that she is crying again; I feel a sense of relief that maybe she finally understands what she did to me. The heartbroken and shocked look on her face tells me that she understands and that she feels terrible about what happened. I keep my hands on her stomach as I watch her cry; after a moment she cast her eyes down and whispers softly.

"Can you ever forgive me?"

"Look at me Clary…I understand you feel ashamed about what you did but you owe it to me to at least look me in the eye when you ask for my forgiveness." My voice is stern yet gentle. Clary raises her tear filled eyes to look at me and she clears her throat as I brush the tears off of her cheeks with my thumbs.

"I am truly sorry for what I did Jace and I promise that nothing like that will ever happen again. Can you please find it in your heart to forgive me?" Shame is heavy in her words.

"Of course I forgive you; I love you so much Clary." I cup my hands around her face and pull her mouth to mine so I can kiss her gently before pressing our foreheads together so I can look into the green eyes that I fell in love with what feels like a life time ago.

"I love you Jace; I wish I knew what made me so lucky to have such an amazing person like you love me."

"I'm the lucky one baby." I smile at her and she slides her fingers into my hair as she presses her lips against mine; in seconds our kiss turns from soft and gentle to hungry and full of the passion that only the two of us can create together. I groan into her mouth as I rise from the floor and pull her out of the kitchen chair; I want to drag her upstairs and make love to her until she understands how much I truly need her in my life. She stops kissing me and takes a small step backwards as she places her hands on my chest.

"I know what you want right now Jace but I can't; I really did hurt myself and I am too sore."

"That bad huh?"

"Yeah…I'm sorry."

"No don't be sorry; it's probably better that we stay down here anyhow. The pizza will be here soon and you need to feed our daughter." I smile at her and run my fingers through her hair as I do my best to hide my disappointment; I also do my best to hide the concern I feel for just how sore she must be.

Clary smiles at me and hugs me as she lays her head on my chest; a few minutes later I hear the chime from the front door that announces someone is in the institute. In walks Alec, Magnus and Izzy with the pizza and we all sit at the table; we catch up on the last ten days as we eat. Izzy is mad because I didn't take pictures of Clary in her bikini and even Magnus surprises me by saying he would have liked to see that as well. We all laugh when Clary stands and lifts her shirt up to show everyone her swollen belly.

"Is this what you two wanted to see? Well here it is; take a good look at my huge naked belly." She giggles as Magnus pushes her belly button in and we all laugh when it pops right back out.

"Let me try that!" Alec says with excitement and I grab his wrist to stop him from poking at Clary.

"Christ you guys she's not a toy you know." I announce.

"It's okay Jace; I don't mind." Clary continues to chuckle.

"No but I do; I only have so much self-control when it comes to watching another dude put his hands on you." I say playfully and Izzy kicks me under the table.

"Oh relax Jace; it's not like they are licking whipped cream off of her belly." Izzy laughs loudly at her own joke and my perverted mind adds whipped cream to my mental bank of things to do to Clary at a more appropriate time.

By the time Clary gets out of the shower and climbs into bed it's almost ten-thirty and she looks as exhausted as I feel; must be the jet lag that has me feeling so tired. I tried to coax Clary into getting a shower with me but she was too busy talking to Izzy in her room; I decided that it was for the best anyhow because I remembered that she was sore and I don't think I would have been able to behave myself in the shower. Even now with her innocently snuggled up to my side I have to remind myself to keep my perverted hands to myself; I don't think I will ever get enough of this green eyed girl and I couldn't be happier about that.

At two-thirty in the morning I wake up with a start because I forgot I was supposed to go see Simon. I quietly leave our bedroom after I get dressed and send him a quick text.

_**Me: 217-0226 – Where are you?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – About ready to give up on you. I have been waiting for hours to hear from you.**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – I'm sorry…I fell asleep. Can I meet you at your apartment now?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Sure.**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Thanks see you in a few.**_

I shove my phone back into my pocket as I walk down the street towards Simon's apartment in a hurry; the sooner I get there the sooner I can go back home and snuggle up to Clary. Ten minutes later I raise my hand to knock on his apartment door but before I can connect my hand with the steel door it opens; Simon's hair sticks up wildly and he looks like he was sleeping.

"Were you sleeping?"

"Like I said I waited forever for you; so I must have dozed off on the couch. Your text woke me up."

I flop onto Simons couch and look at him as he takes a seat in the chair that is in the corner of the living room. When he pulls his knees up under his chin I almost smile at him; right now he doesn't look like the vampire that he is; right now he looks like the Simon that I barely knew when Clary first came to the institute. I end up smiling at him anyhow and he looks at me in confusion.

"What are you smiling at?"

"You. You look so cute sitting there like that."

"You're an idiot. Talk to me Jace; what's going on with Clary?"

"My attempt to flirt with you seems to have fallen on deaf ears so I guess we can talk about Clary then."

"Why do I get the feeling you have some kind of bad news Jace?"

"Why would you feel like that?"

"Because that's what you do; you make jokes when you are trying to hide what you really should be talking about."

"Shit…you know me too well Simon; I'm not sure I like that but you are sort of right…Don't bug your eyes at me like that…Clary is fine I promise; she just went a little crazy today is all. The bad news really isn't my business to repeat but it's a big part of Clary's temporary insanity so I guess it would be okay to tell you about it. My friend Emma's girlfriend Sandra is dying and it really has Clary rattled."

"Oh…geez…I'm sorry Jace. How is Emma taking this?"

"Depends on the day really; one day Em seems to be at terms with the situation but then sometimes she looks like she will fall apart if you say the wrong thing to her. I guess I would probably feel the same way…fuck…I don't want to think about something like that even happening to Clary. Look just so you know Clary is fine…well not completely but she will be…she is just having a hard time with all of this."

"I thought she was going to kill Kailea today; it's messed up but I almost wanted her to. All your exes seem to make Clary a little insecure."

"Did she tell you that?" I ask in a panic.

"She doesn't have to; I just know how Clary thinks."

"First of all don't use the word ex because in order for someone to be an ex that would mean that there was something more than just sex; trust me there never was with a single one of the girls I fucked or got blow jobs from. Clary doesn't need to feel insecure; none of them meant a damn thing to me. I just fucked them and then I wanted them to go away; shit most of the time I always felt regret after I fucked any of them. Clary is…she's different…I love her…she is my world Simon and I don't know what I can tell her to make her understand how much she really means to me."

"I wouldn't sweat it too much Jace; Clary will get over her insecurities with time."

"Did you let her go on purpose today?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You said you wanted to let Clary go after Kailea so did you let her go on purpose?"

"No she might be tiny Jace but she is a squirmy little thing and I was afraid to hold her too tightly; I didn't want to hurt her or the baby. Are you okay?"

"Me? Why are you asking me that?"

"She hit you today; I watched her pound her fist against your chest."

"I'm fine; she wasn't even hitting me that hard. I think she was just so embarrassed that she didn't know how to vent that and that's why she hit me."

"She didn't seem embarrassed to me; she seemed pissed."

"Yeah she was definitely pissed but she was only using her anger to cover up her shame."

"Why? What was she ashamed of?"

"Fuck me! I know I should have just kept my mouth shut. Would it be possible for you to just let this go Simon?"

"Not a chance; now spill it Jace."

"I don't know how to say this to you so I guess I will just spit it out fast…Clary kind of…fuck…she kind of…oh Christ I don't even want to use this word but she kind of raped me today before we all went to dinner."

"What? You must be joking Jace! Clary wouldn't do something like that; I mean she is half your size so that seems impossible. Rape is a very strong word and I don't think you should be using it." Simon's voice is full of anger as he looks at me.

"It is a strong word but…that's pretty much what happened. Clary and I talked about it and we are fine now but it doesn't change what happened; it doesn't change how completely helpless I felt today." Fuck I can feel the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes right in front of him like a damn idiot; I blink a few times and wipe my eyes with the back of my hands to get rid of the evidence.

"Wow…Jace…I…shit I'm really sorry man."

"No! Sit back down Simon; I can tell you are getting ready to come over here and hug me and if you come near me right now I will punch you; so just sit the fuck back down."

I watch him lower himself back into the chair as his brown eyes look at me with pity; that look he is giving me is almost enough to make me get out of my own seat and punch him anyhow.

"I might need a few days to get over this before I can see Clary." Simon says softly.

"No you don't. Look that's not what happened; she didn't really rape me…the situation was completely different from what you must be thinking…telling you the way I told you was my fucked up attempt at telling you without going into details; Alec was the one who put that stupid word in my head in the first place."

"Does Alec know what really happened then?"

"Yeah."

"Oh so he can know the details but I don't deserve to hear them? You basically accuse my best friend of raping you and I'm just supposed to accept that and then act like it didn't happen when I see her."

"Simon…please…I'm sorry okay. The only reason why Alec knows anything about it is because he knocked on my bedroom door; he heard Clary and he was worried about her so I had to explain it to him."

"What do you mean he heard Clary?"

"You know what I'm talking about Simon…Alec could hear the sounds she was making; he thought I was hurting her but I wasn't she was the one who was in control; she was the one hurting herself."

"Why didn't you fucking stop her then?" Simon shouts.

"You don't understand; it's like she wasn't even in the same room with me when it was happening. I did try to slow her down but she slapped my hands off of her body. Fuck…it happened and I can't change it or erase it but I really don't want to talk about it anymore; I don't even want to think about it anymore. I just want to put it in the past and move on."

"Are you sure you can do that though? Jace you're shaking and you were crying a minute ago."

"I'm fine and I wasn't fucking crying; I'm only upset because you made me tell you what happened and you know how I feel about telling private things about her."

"Yeah well this is completely different than telling me about you and Clary's sex life; this is fucked up. What Clary did to you was wrong…before you start yelling just here me out…I am glad the two of you talked this over and are able to move past it but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to talk about how it made you feel. Jace what Clary did obviously has you rattled in a terrible way and I don't think you are disrespecting Clary by talking about how she made you feel. I get that you are the dude here and maybe to some people you shouldn't be so sensitive about all this but fuck…dudes have feeling too…I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm here if you need to talk."

"Thank you Simon; I really do appreciate that."

"Clary might be my best friend but that doesn't mean I can't be your friend too you know."

"If you repeat what I am about to say to you I will completely deny this entire conversation and they will never find your body okay."

"Okay…" Simon says nervously.

"I do consider you my friend; I guess I even…shit…love you in some strange way. I mean Clary loves you; I love Clary so I guess it's only natural for me to feel something for you as well. I don't know another person that cares about her like I do except you; I know in my heart that you would do anything for Clary and that simple fact makes me love you Simon."

"I don't want to fuck this up or make it all mushy so let me just say this to you Jace. Clary is my best friend and I would literally do anything for that girl. You and I have had a few bumps in the road but at the end of the day there is no one I trust more with my best friends heart than you."

"Thank you."

"Your welcome. I love you too Jace."

"You just fucked it up; you just made this awkward."

"Oh stop; I did not. If I got up and gave you a big hug right now; then that would make this awkward."

"I will punch you Simon."

"Relax; I'm not going to hug you."

"We're getting married."

"Seriously I can't hug you but we are getting married?"

"Not you and I you idiot; me and Clary. I asked her to marry me and she said yes."

"When did this happen?"

"Before we went to LA. I am waiting to get her ring from the jeweler; I sent it away to get it sized."

"So you asked her to marry you and she doesn't even have a shiny ring to show off to people? I am disappointed in you Jace. Clary goes on and on about how sweet you are; about how romantic you can be and you fucked up your proposal to her. Christ…you weren't having sex with her when you asked her were you?"

"Oh my god! Shut up Simon! No I was not having sex with Clary when I asked her to marry me. I had all these plans for how and when and where I was going to propose to her but shit just kept going wrong. The day I asked her was a very bad day for her and I but we got through it together; that fact was why I asked her to marry me right there on the spot. I know that no matter what is going on in our lives she will always be the most important person in my world and I just didn't want to wait a second longer to ask her."

"Well congratulations then. I couldn't be happier for the two of you."

"Are you being sarcastic right now?"

"Not at all; I am being completely sincere. So when's the big day?"

"We haven't set a date but it's not going to be anytime soon."

"Why not?"

"We have to both be eighteen before the clave will approve of our marriage."

"That's stupid; they should make an exception because Clary is pregnant."

"Actually the strange thing about the clave is Clary being pregnant would only make them force us to wait longer."

"That's fucking stupid."

"The law is hard but it is the law."

"Don't blather your shadow hunter bullshit to me Jace; admit it you think it's fucking stupid too."

"I can't disagree with you about it but it doesn't matter. The wedding will just have to wait until Clary and I are both considered adults under the eyes of the clave. I can't do anything to change their minds so I will just have to learn to be patient."

"You patient? Jace you are probably one of the most impatient people I know."

"This is true but even I amaze myself from time to time. Can I ask you something Simon?"

"I would love to be your best man but I think it might hurt Alec's feelings so I will have to turn you down out of respect for him considering I like him more than I do you."

"Are you finished?" I roll my eyes at him.

"Oh…that wasn't your question? So what's your question then?"

"Izzy?" I state.

"What about her?"

"Are you still dating her?"

"Not exactly."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"We still…um…_see_ each other occasionally but we aren't really seeing each other anymore; if you get what I am saying."

"So…what? You two just fuck from time to time? Are you okay with that?"

"No of course I'm not okay with that but you know how I feel about your sister; I guess I will just take whatever she is willing to give me."

"You are pathetic you know that right?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Make her work for it Simon. Keep your fucking pants on until she wakes up and realizes that she loves you too."

"You do realize you are pretty much telling me to play your sister don't you?"

"I'm not telling you to play her; it's just Izzy can be stubborn and well…very selfish…she needs to know that she can't have her cake and eat it too so to speak. If you love her and want more of her then you shouldn't make it so easy for her to just take what she wants from you without taking your feelings into consideration."

"But what if she never realizes that she loves me? What if she doesn't even love me in the first place? Then what am I supposed to do?"

"Then you will have to move on but at least you will be able to walk around with your head held high. Christ Simon, have some respect for yourself even if Izzy can't find respect for you; you should at least have it for yourself. You are a great per…vampire…fuck…person; you are a great person and if she can't see how good you are for her then she's the asshole not you."

"Um…thanks I guess."

"Look I'm tired and I think my lack of sleep is making me weird. I think I am going to go home and look at my naked fiancé before our little bromance gets too out of hand."

Simon laughs as he walks me to the front door and I am even nice when I allow him to rest his hand on my shoulder as he tells me goodbye. I surprise my own self when I give him a quick hug only to follow it with a hard punch to his shoulder; unfortunately punching him didn't make our awkward hug go away.


	13. Chapter 13

**Song list for this Chapter…**

**Not Your Fault - Awolnation**

**Ghost - Ella Henderson**

**The Sex Is Good - Saving Abel**

**Been Caught Stealing - Jane's Addiction**

**Everlast - Broken**

**Yelawolf - Love Story**

**Jessie J - Flashlight**

**Staind - Right Here**

**Crossfade - Killing Me Inside**

**Blue October - Hate Me**

**Redlight King - Bullet In My Hand**

**Adelitas Way - Sick**

**Fuel - Hemorrhage (In My Hands)**

**Breaking Benjamin - Dance With The Devil**

**All That Remains - Two Weeks**

SIX WEEKS LATER (28 WEEKS PREGNANT)

"Good morning baby." I snuggle into Clary's messy red hair as she groans loudly.

"Get off me; I need to pee." She huffs as I roll off of her and I giggle as she rushes to the bathroom; she leaves the door wide open so I get up and go into the bathroom to brush my teeth as she relieves her full bladder.

"Our daughter really likes your bladder doesn't she?" I mumble around my toothbrush.

"A little too much; I almost peed myself. Not a great way to start my day off."

"No probably not but how about a kiss from me; wouldn't that be a great start to your day?"

Clary glares at me as she brushes her teeth; I smile widely at her and plant small kisses behind her ear as I watch her reflection in the mirror. She tries to hide her amusement but I catch her grin as she puts her toothbrush back in the cup; I spin her around and rapidly pepper kisses all over her face. She squeals in protest but I only kiss her more until she starts to laugh.

"Okay! Okay! Don't be so needy Jace."

"But I love you baby." I purr.

"How do you do that?" She asks and I stop my kisses to look at her.

"Do what?"

"I was supper grumpy when I woke up yet you have managed to make me giggle already."

"How can you resist this face? How can you deny my sweet kisses?"

Clary kisses me quickly and swats my rear end playfully as she exits the bathroom to go get dressed.

"Do you know if there are any English muffins left Jace?"

English muffins are her newest obsession for breakfast and I cringe inwardly when I remember that I made her the last one for breakfast yesterday.

"I meant to go get more yesterday but I guess I forgot."

"Oh…that makes me sad."

"Sorry baby. How about toast instead?"

"Wheat toast?" She asks excitedly. (crisis averted)

"Yes wheat toast. Do you want eggs this morning too?"

"No just some toast please."

We have come to the conclusion that the baby is getting so big inside of Clary's tiny body that Clary is having trouble eating too much food at one sitting; so instead of her eating like three normal meals in a day; Clary now just eat five or six small things throughout the day to keep herself satisfied. I still think she needs to eat more because even though she has a nice round belly; the rest of her body looks too thin to my eyes. I made the mistake of mentioning this to her two weeks ago and she ended up crying for half a day because she thought I was accusing her of not taking good care of our baby. It took everything in me not to punch her doctor in the face yesterday because he mentioned her lack of weight gain. He said she should be gaining about a pound a week but she has only gained about nine pounds since she got pregnant. She ended up overeating yesterday and she got sick three times because of it. So her eating and her weight is a very touchy subject. So now I just keep my mouth shut about my opinion of her thin frame; instead I try to make her snacks that have as much calories packed into them as possible.

After I make Clary her toast I kiss her cheek before heading to the training room.

"Enjoy your walk and tell Simon I said hello."

"I will and do you want me to get you anything from the store? I can just have Simon help me carry the bags home."

"You sure? I can always go when I'm done training."

"No Jace I can go; you do so much for me and I feel like such a bump on a log right now so please let me do something; even if it is only grabbing few things from the grocery store."

"I thought you hated shopping."

"I do but going to the grocery store is different; I don't mind shopping for food; its clothes that I have a problem with."

"Okay baby well if you remember to; can you grab me some shaving cream then?"

"Yes."

"Thank you."

"Love you."

"I love you baby but I got to get to the training room now so I will see you later okay. I miss you already."

Clary rolls her green eyes at me as I jog backwards out of the kitchen and I just laugh at her. When I get into the training room Izzy has an impatient look on her face and Alec has his arms crossed over his chest. I look at the clock and find that I am almost ten minutes late.

"Stop scowling at me you two; so I'm a couple of minutes late. You are just going to have to get used to it because once the baby gets here I am sure I will end up being late on a daily basis."

"Can she come to the training room after she's born?" Izzy asks.

"Absolutely. I mean I'll be here and so will Clary so it's only natural for our daughter to be where we are but when she starts crawling we will all have to keep an eye on her."

"Of course we will; Jace we are here to help. You just try and stop me from changing her diaper." Alec says playfully.

"Iz you are my witness to what he just said so if the baby needs her diaper changes Uncle Alec volunteers his services."

"Don't worry Jace I even recorded the entire conversation on my phone." Izzy jokes.

I am so thankful that the distance that was between my sister and I has managed to fade and now we are back to the same way we always were. I have managed to keep my nose out of her and Simon's relationship over the past six weeks but the suspense is killing me to know what is really going on between them. I think part of the reason why Izzy and I are okay again is because Izzy took a hard hit for me when it comes to Clary. A week and a half ago Clary scared the shit out of all of us when she lost her balance on the treadmill and fell hard on her side; I nearly threw up when I saw her tiny body slam onto the treadmill and then roll onto the wood floor. After everyone calmed down Izzy told Clary that she was no longer allowed in the training room for the rest of her pregnancy. Clary kind of flipped out on Izzy for it but in the end Izzy made her understand that she is just too distracting for the rest of us.

So now Clary goes for long walks in the park everyday with Simon. It's a win-win situation for everyone really. Clary gets her exercise; Alec, Izzy, and I get to train without being distracted by Clary; and Simon gets to have some much needed one on one time with his best friend. I got major brownie points from Clary because her walking in the park with Simon everyday was my idea. Simon didn't hesitate for a moment when I called him and asked him to walk with Clary every day; he understands why I asked him to walk with her. Simon knows that I am paranoid and if I can't be with Clary then the next best person for her to be with to keep her safe would be him. The odds of anything happing to Clary at the park in broad daylight are slim to none but knowing she has a day-walking vampire as a personal body guard keeps my paranoia at a minimum.

At lunch time Izzy disappears without a word and Alec went to meet Magnus for Thai food; since I didn't get invited to lunch and I don't like Thai food anyhow I decide to just eat a bowl of cereal for lunch in the kitchen. I pull my phone out to check to see if Clary called but she didn't so I decide to text her.

_**Me: 217-0226 – Hey mamma what are you up to? I miss you.**_

_**Wifey: 217-7629 – Just having some coffee with Simon. Some dude with green hair is reading terrible poetry. What are you doing?**_

_**Wifey: 217-7629 – I miss you too. **_**; -)**

_**Me: 217-0226 – Being lonely because everyone left me. : -( When are you coming home?**_

_**Wifey: 217-7629 – Awe so sorry you are lonely. We just got our coffee and I still need to go to the grocery store so I will be another couple of hours. I can skip the grocery shopping if you want me to come home though. Where did your siblings go?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – No baby that's okay you take your time and I will see you later besides I got to go back to the training room for the rest of the afternoon anyhow. Who knows where Iz went and Alec went to lunch with Magnus.**_

_**Wifey: 217-7629 – Why didn't you go to lunch with the boys?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Thai food YUCK!**_

_**Wifey: 217-7629 – Oh yeah you hate Thai food. Are you sure you don't want me to come home. You know I would much rather drool over your shirtless sweaty body than shop for bananas.**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Bananas Huh? Me shirtless and sweaty huh? Well I know where your mind is at right now…hmm maybe you should come home and I can fake an injury to get out of training for the rest of the afternoon. (wiggles eyebrows)**_

_**Wifey: 217-7629 – (fans self with hand) (blushes ten shade of red because vampire is reading over shoulder) You know me sooooo well Jace. So is that a yes then? Should I chug my coffee and head home? I can be there in 2 minutes since I have your car.**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – (crying from laughter) I was wondering where the car was but I figured you took it. No baby you have a good day and I will see you later. Do you want to go on a date tonight?**_

_**Wifey: 217-7629 – (still giggling) Vampire said we make him sick to his stomach; I slapped him. What kind of date? Will there be food on this date? (asking for your daughter) You don't need your car do you? I'm sorry I didn't ask to take it.**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Nope, don't need the car. You don't need permission to take it; I told you that you can take it anytime you want to. Maybe a movie? I think American Sniper is playing at the Cineplex. Tell baby girl daddy will take her to dinner before him and mommy goes to the movies.**_

_**Wifey: 217-7629 – (baby girl just did a back flip onto my bladder over her excitement) Yes to the movie; where are we eating dinner?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – What do you want to eat?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Did I mention how much I am missing you right now?**_

_**Wifey: 217-7629 – You mentioned the missing…I offered to come home but you shot me down. I want pizza (eh-hem I mean your daughter wants pizza)**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – (crying real tears) I did not shoot you down; I know you will be bored watching me train for the rest of the day and you are spending time with Simon. Pizza's sounds good to me. Talk to you later; need to get back to the training room. Love you.**_

_**Wifey: 217-7629 – (feeling bad right now) Love you.**_

It's my turn to scowl at Alec and Izzy because Alec is fifteen minutes late and Izzy is almost a full hour late for our afternoon training. Alec sincerely apologizes and Izzy flips me off and tells me to go to hell. I just laugh at both of them. The three of us have been throwing weapons at the target for over an hour when Izzy jumps up and down as she claps her hands in excitement.

"Guess what Jace!"

"You are awfully excited so do I even want to know?"

"Of course I'm excited Jace; Clary and I are going shopping tomorrow. I expect you and Alec to have the final touches done on the nursery by the time we get back from shopping."

"Poor Clary; do me a favor Iz and take it easy on her. You know how much she hates to shop. Stop scowling at me; Alec and I only have a couple more hours of work to do in the baby's room so it will be done long before you ladies get back."

"Good because I want to be able to organize baby Wayland's clothes and things. I don't know how Clary can hate shopping. You would think that because we are shopping for the baby and not for her she would be at least a little bit excited but not a chance. Do you know she tried to bribe me into doing all the shopping myself?"

"That's my girl."

"Are you saying that you would let me have full rein over shopping for your daughter?"

"Absolutely but you still have to take Clary with you; I wouldn't want her to regret missing out on picking out baby clothes later in life. Where all are you two going anyhow?"

"I can go grab my itinerary sheet from my room if you want me to."

"You are joking right?"

"No I have our entire day planned out; there are even four scheduled times for meals and I even have time slots for bathroom breaks."

"Oh my poor little Clary; who am I kidding poor me. You know she will take out her frustrations on me because of you don't you? Make sure you take pictures tomorrow and really enjoy your one day of shopping because I have a feeling that after tomorrow Clary will never go shopping with you ever again."

"Nonsense; Clary will have a great time I promise."

"Are you taking my car?"

"Well Clary said she was driving so I would assume so. Why is that a problem?"

"No; it's no problem at all. I should just start calling it Clary's car since she drives it more than I do anyhow."

"Did she clean that pigpen out yet Jace? The last time I was in your car there was enough garbage on the floor to fill a trash bag." Alec joins our conversation.

"No but I cleaned it out a couple of days ago because I knew the girls would probably need it for their shopping trip."

"You spoil her too much. I would make her clean it out because all that garbage is from her not you."

"I know I spoil her but I can't help myself; beside I like to clean so it's no big deal."

"It's a good thing you like to clean Jace because odds are your daughter will end up being a slob too."

"No way Alec! My little angel will be a neat freak like her daddy; her and I can keep Clary's messes cleaned up together. Baby girl can spray the cleaner and I can wipe the toothpaste off the sink; we will make a great team."

"When are you two going to decide on her name already?" Izzy asks.

"We are waiting until she is born to decide on her name. Clary thinks once she sees our daughter in her arms she will be sure of her name choice."

"Well you know my vote goes to Celine but my opinion doesn't really matter." She flips her dark hair dramatically as she rolls her eyes.

"Okay so one vote for Celine; how about you Alec? What name do you like?" I ask.

"I still think you should call her Alexandria."

"Not going to happen Alec; if the next baby is a boy I promise you that we will give him Alexander as his middle name."

"Next baby! Christ Jace are you serious?"

"Clary and I are getting married Alec; so we will be together forever and our daughter will be lonely without a sibling to play with."

"Have you and Clary even discussed having more children?" Izzy asks.

"Yes of course we have. I voted for five but Clary punched me in the balls so we compromised on three."

"Dear god! The spawns of Jace! The horror, the horror." Alec jokes.

The three of us are laughing hysterically when the door to the training room swings open and Clary walks in.

"You three must be really training hard in here." She says with a smile.

When Clary sits up against the wall to watch us I can't help but notice how tired she looks so I make my way towards her so I can see if she is feeling okay. I crouch down in front of her and place my hands on her knees.

"You okay momma? You look tired."

"I am tired. Simon and I were so busy talking that we ended up making two extra laps at the park and after getting all the groceries in the house and put away I feel like I could use a nap."

"Clary why didn't you come get me? I would have put the groceries away; I thought you were only getting a few things."

"I was only going to get a few things but I was hungry when I was shopping so I guess I might have brought home a trunk load of food. It took me five trips just to unload the car."

"Again; why didn't you come and get me?"

"I didn't want to interrupt your training I guess."

"Don't be silly sweetheart; I would have had it all done in less than fifteen minutes."

"You know how stubborn I am Jace."

"Indeed I do Clary. Will you please, please not be stubborn right now and do me a really big favor?"

"What's that?"

"Will you please go to our room and take a nap?"

"Yes I will go take a nap but only because I want to be awake when we go on our date; I have really been looking forward to seeing American Sniper and I wouldn't want to fall asleep."

"I realize that you are really only going to take a nap so you can stay awake to watch Bradley Cooper for two hours but I'll still take that as a win."

"I only have eyes for you Jace." She gives me one of her devilish grins as she stands up.

"Okay so your eyes are on me but what about those lips of yours? Do I get a kiss before you leave me?"

Clary slides her fingers into my sweaty hair and kisses me almost long enough to make me want to join her for a nap instead of continuing my training. Before we can get too carried away I break our kiss and walk her to the door.

"Wake me up when you are done training okay." She asks and I just wink at her before I turn back towards Alec and Izzy. Alec is smiling and Izzy has the look of disgust on her face.

"Why are you looking at me like that Izzy?"

"You two are just so…so sweet it makes me want to gag sometimes."

"That's not very nice Izzy. I think they are wonderful."

"Thank you Alec and I think you and Magnus are wonderful as well. Izzy is just jealous because she doesn't appreciate what it means to love someone and to have them love you back."

"Fuck off Jace!" Izzy scolds.

I laugh off her anger but on the inside I feel sad; I wish I knew how she really felt about Simon. All I do know about her and Simon's relationship is that they are in fact still seeing each other from time to time but I also know that two nights ago Izzy went to the club without Simon. When Simon mentioned her going to the club I had to bite my tongue so I didn't yell at him for letting her treat him like shit. I gave Simon my opinion on how he should handle Izzy once already and I will not give it to him again. As much as I want him to actually take my fucking advice; I am not his keeper so I just need to keep my mouth shut about it from now on. Clary's indifferent attitude towards Simon and Izzy's fucked up relationship surprises me but Clary simply said that she wants to stay out of Simon's love life.

At five o'clock I leave the training room and head downstairs to wait for the delivery that I have been anticipating since I first got out of bed this morning. I am sitting on the front steps of the institute and I have checked the time on my cellphone so many times I feel the urge to throw the damn thing into traffic. Finally I see the delivery man from the Jewelry store making his way towards me and I end up jogging towards him with excitement. He has me take Clary's engagement ring out for close inspection before I sign my delivery receipt and heading back into the institute for a much needed shower. When I glance at the clock on the bathroom wall I realize that Clary and I won't be able to make the seven o'clock showing of the movie if we go to dinner first. I am fucking starving and I am certain Clary will be hungry as well so there is no way we will go to dinner after the movie; we will just have to go to the nine o'clock show instead.

I slide under the blankets and snuggle up to Clary's warm body for a moment before waking her up by whispering in her ear.

"Time to wake up momma…baby girl is getting hungry for her pizza."

Clary rolls over and smiles at me as she rubs her eyes.

"What time is it?"

"Five after six."

"What time does the movie start?"

"We will have to go to the nine o'clock show if we are going to dinner first."

"Okay well do I have time to get a shower then?"

"Absolutely. I am going to give Em a call to see how things are on the west coast while you get ready okay."

Clary kisses my cheek before climbing out of bed to go get in the shower. I continue to lay on the bed as I dial Em's number.

"_Hey what are you up to Jace?"_

"Getting ready to take wifey out to dinner and a movie in a little bit. How about you? What are you and Sandra up to today?"

"_Wifey huh? I think you should wait to start calling Clary wifey at least until she has her engagement ring."_

"It just got here about an hour ago; it will be on her finger before the nights over."

"_Oh that's great Jace tell Clary to send me a picture of it when she gets the chance."_

"Sure thing Em. How is Sandra doing?"

"_Well yesterday was a pretty bad day for her but she seems to be in good spirits today. What movie are you two going to see?"_

"American Sniper. I'm sorry Sandra had a bad day yesterday."

"_I have a feeling the good days are getting fewer and far between now Jace."_

"Emma I wish I was there right now so I could hug you; you sound so sad."

"_I would kill to have your arms around me right now Jace."_

"I can portal to LA tomorrow long enough to hug you and then portal back home if you want me to."

"_Don't you dare Jace! I know for a fact that you and Alec are supposed to be finishing off the nursery tomorrow so don't use me to get out of your work."_

"At least I made you laugh Emma."

"_Yes you sure did; thank you for that Jace. Where are you taking wifey for dinner? Some place nice I hope considering you finally have her ring."_

"Clary claims that baby girl wants pizza for dinner so paper napkins and Pepsi will have to do."

"_Ooooh soooo fancy Jace. Tell me how can Clary stand how disgustingly romantic you are all the time?"_

"Laugh all you want to Emma but it takes a true romantic to put a straw into his ladies drink for her you know. I have mad skills Em; I could give you some pointers if you are interested."

"_Yeah, yeah. Look Jace I need to let you go so I can take Sandy some food. I will talk to you soon."_

"Give Sandra my love and I will call you soon."

"_Love you Jace."_

"Love you Emma and I miss you."

"_Miss you. Bye."_

"Bye Emma."

I shove Clary's engagement ring back into my pocket just before the bathroom door swings open to reveal her smiling face. She took the time to pull some of her curls away from her face with some sort of clip thingy and she has mascara on her eyelashes. My small smile turns to a full blown grin when I take in the pretty white dress she is wearing. The silky material is snug across her pregnant belly and the low cut neckline reveals her breast just enough to tease me but without looking too revealing for the wandering eyes of strangers.

"You look pretty Clary; I really, really like that dress."

"Thank you but I was actually thinking about not wearing it."

"Why not? You look sexy in that dress not to mention slippery; come here and let me see just how slippery you are."

"I think white might be the wrong color to wear if we are eating pizza; you know how messy I am Jace."

My attempt to flirt with her seems to have failed because she continues to scowl at the sad few dresses that are hanging in her closet. It's funny that she even has those few dresses to choose from as it is because before she was pregnant I think she only owned one single dress and maybe two skirts. Izzy is responsible for the six or so dresses and half a dozen skirts that Clary has for maternity clothes.

"What's wrong baby?"

"The dress I have on and this red one are the only two that fit me anymore and I think this red one is a little too much for pizza and a movie at the Cineplex."

"So just wear jeans and a t-shirt instead; you look just as lovely in them as you do a dress anyhow. Better yet just get naked; I can order pizza and we can watch a movie on Netflix while we lay in bed naked together; you naked is my favorite outfit on you momma."

"I really wanted to dress up; we don't really go on that many dates as it is so I thought it would be nice."

"I'm sorry baby."

Clary spins around to look at the frown on my face.

"Why are you sorry Jace?"

"I should take you out more. You deserve to be taken out at least once a week and I have been slacking lately."

"It's no big deal."

"Yes it is and I promise that we will have date night once a week from now on. Besides I love to take you out and show you off to all the jealous guys. When you're not looking I stick my tongue out at them because you are mine and they can't have you."

"You do not!" She says with a giggle.

"I am better at hiding than I thought I was then." I say with a wicked grin on my face. I might not stick my tongue out at the guys I catch staring at my girl but the looks they do get from me tell them to back the fuck off.

"Jace do you know if my purple shirt is clean?"

"Which purple shirt the dark purple one or the light purple one?"

"Um…either one actually."

I get up and sort through her stack of shirts that I have neatly folded in her dresser draw (if I didn't keep her clothes organized they would be scattered all over the bedroom) when I find the light purple shirt I walk over and hand it to her with a wink.

"Here you go baby."

"Thank you. I can wear this with my dark grey skirt."

"You mean the one with that little slit up the back?" I ask as I wiggle my eyebrows at her.

"Yes that's the one."

"Yummy. I love your ass in that skirt."

"Jace! You are terrible you know."

"But I love you baby." I purr.

"You always say that when you are trying to get out of trouble you know. You always stick your bottom lip out and purr those words to me."

"Does it work?" I ask playfully.

"Are you ever in trouble with me?" She smiles at me.

"Not that I know of and definitely not if I can help it. Daddy doesn't like it when mommy is mad at him."

"I couldn't even stay mad at you if I wanted to Jace. All I have to do is look at you and I can't help but smile at you even when I'm trying to be mad."

"Not to change the subject or anything but I meant to ask you how Simon is doing."

"He's good; he had a ton of new jokes for me today. I would tell you some of them but I can't remember any of them."

"Maybe I will go visit him tomorrow for a little bit while you and Izzy go shopping."

"Son of a bitch! I completely forgot that I was going shopping tomorrow. Jace I don't want to go; she is going to drag me all over the city to every single store that sells baby shit. I am tired just thinking about it; can't I find a way to get out of going?"

"Sorry but no. You are just going to have to put your best smile on and pretend to enjoy shopping for baby shit."

"Oh don't say it like that Jace. I didn't mean it to sound like I don't want to shop for things for our daughter it's just I don't want to go with Izzy; she makes everything harder. I am all for bargain shopping but she will go to eight stores to find the cheapest price on a shirt only to end up back at the first one to buy it anyhow."

"I know but it means a lot to Izzy that you are going shopping with her; she is your friend and you sometimes have to suck it up to make your friends happy."

"But it's hard." She pouts and I just laugh at her.

Clary huffs in frustration as she pulls the white dress off her body and I feel my pulse quicken at the sight of her near naked body. I am loving the shape of her body now that she is pregnant; it's a shame she doesn't have just a little bit more meat on her thin frame because her hips and thighs would be deliciously curvy. When she lifts her arms up to put on her shirt her back arches and her chest pops out and I have to look away when I feel my jeans getting tighter.

"Can you zip my skirt up for me please?"

I adjust my pants before getting off the bed to attempt to hide my arousal as I walk towards her; when she giggles before turning around I know that she saw what I was trying to hide. I quickly zip up her skirt and shove my hands in my pocket to keep from ripping her clothes off of her and tossing her on the bed. Clary smiles sweetly at me as she turns around; I think she is going to try to take my hand but she ends up cupping her fingers around my zipper and I let out a surprised yelp.

"Christ Clary." I breathe.

"Do you know how happy I am that I don't even have to try to make you hard?"

"All I have to do is look at you Clary."

"It's the same for me you know." She purrs.

"Really now?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Fuck woman! If you don't stop touching me like that we are never going to make it out of this bedroom."

Clary giggles as she drops her hand and turns towards the door.

"Let's go eat pizza; baby girl is hungry."

"Damn it you used my weakness for your own gain Clary."

"I know you can't resist a piece of pizza Jace."

"Not the pizza; I was talking about baby girl. She isn't even born yet and already she has me wrapped around her little finger. The little shit is just like her mother."

Clary holds my hand as we walk down the sidewalk towards the pizza parlor. She pulls my arm over her shoulder and snuggles against my side as she lets out a soft sigh with a smile on her face.

"You are going to be such a good daddy Jace."

"God I hope you're right about that Clary."

"Of course I'm right. The way you treat me and the way you take care of me; even the way you are protective of me tells me just how good of a father you are going to be for our daughter. I almost feel bad for the teenage boys that will want to date her when she's older."

"Older being the key word. I was thinking twenty five would be a good age for her to start dating; until then I am keeping her locked in the house."

"Who are you even trying to kid Jace? You said yourself that she already has you wrapped around her little finger; all she will have to do is pout a little and you will let her do whatever she wants to do."

"I know I will end up letting her do whatever she want to do but that doesn't mean I won't be hiding in the bushes to keep a close eye on her. That doesn't mean I won't hunt down every punk ass kid and threaten them within an inch of their lives if they do anything to hurt my baby girl."

"Lucky for you; you have a lot of time before you need to hide in the bushes and threaten any boys."

"It's never too soon to start looking for places to hide the bodies."

"At least you will have plenty of help. I'm sure Alec and Simon will be happy to help you dig a few graves."

"Definitely."

After Clary and I eat dinner we hail a cab to go up town to watch our movie. We are standing on the sidewalk in a surprisingly long line as we wait to buy our movie tickets. Even though there is plenty of traffic running up and down the streets and we are surrounded by at least a hundred people the night is quiet. It's seems like everyone is enjoying the weather and just being quiet as they take in the evening air and sight of the city. I glance down at Clary as she studies one of the upcoming movie posters and my chest feels like it could bust from the amount of love I feel for her. Before I even know what I am doing I am down on one knee in front of her with her ring in my hand. She does a double take as she hears a few people around us gasp at the sight of what is about to happen.

"Jace what are you doing?" Her green eyes go from me to the surrounding crowd of people that are watching us.

"I realize we kind of already did this but I want to make this official. Clary will you spend the rest of your life with me?"

"I'll stick around as long as you will Jace."

After I slide her ring onto her finger I jump up and lift her off the ground to kiss her as the people around us clap and mutter congratulations. I could care less about all these people because all I see right now is a pair of beautiful green eyes looking at me. I know that as long as I get to look into those green eyes every day for the rest of my life; all will be right with the world.

Clary is still wiping away her tears as we walk back towards the institute. I asked her if she wanted me to hail a cab so we didn't have to walk the ten blocks home so late but she said she needed the night air to clear her head after the sad ending to the movie. All my nerves are at attention as we make our way back towards the institute because I don't even have a single weapon on me tonight; I didn't even think to grab a dagger or something when we left. I keep looking over my shoulder because I swear I can hear something following us. I grip Clary's hand tighter and pull her close to my side as my anxiety rises further.

"Are you okay Jace? You're sweating."

"To tell you the truth I would feel better if we had taken a cab home or if I at least had a weapon on me; I am kind of freaking out a little bit."

Clary lifts her purse up and her tiny hand digs through the gum wrappers and receipts before she pulls out two daggers and hands them to me.

"Do you feel better now?"

"Yes thank you baby."

"I am almost disappointed in you for not having a weapon on you Jace. Aren't you the one who always says to never leave home without a weapon?"

"Guess I am a better teacher than I am a student. I was wondering where this dagger was by the way; I guess I will have to start checking your purses from now on too when one of my weapons goes missing."

I do feel better now that I have a weapon but I still can't shake the feeling that something is following the two of us as we walk down the sidewalk. My paranoia is so bad that even Clary seems on edge as she glances around at our surroundings. When I see the high roof of the institute I figured my anxiety would subside but it actually spikes higher when I hear footsteps coming fast behind us. With my dagger ready to be thrown I tuck Clary behind me and spin around in a flash. Just before I can throw my dagger at whatever was following us I manage to adjust my aim so the blade doesn't cut into my parabitai's chest.

"What the fuck Alec!" I shout.

"Holy shit Jace you almost got me with that dagger you know." He says in surprise.

"Why were you following us?" My tone is only slightly more relaxed as I continue to keep my eyes peeled for any movement.

"I wasn't …well I mean I wasn't following you on purpose anyhow. I was on patrol with Izzy and I kind of lost her. I spotted the two of you a couple of blocks from the theatre and I guess I accidently followed you while looking for Izzy."

"What do you mean you lost Izzy?"

"Do you see her anywhere around Jace? I mean I lost her as in misplaced as in…"

"How long ago?"

"An hour maybe."

"Did you try calling her?"

Alec bugs his eyes and slaps his forehead before he narrows his blue eyes at me.

"That's a stupid question Jace; of course I called her. I lost count of how many times I fucking called her."

"Okay don't get shitty with me because you lost our sister. I will take Clary home and come with you to find her."

"I want to help you two look for her." Clary says.

"Not going to happen Clary! You are going the hell home! Fuck I can't even walk you home from a damn movie without freaking out so I will be damn if I am going to have you checking the dark fucking demon filled fucking alleys of this shitty fucking city!"

"Wow that's a lot of swear words Jace." Clary states in an unamused tone at my outburst.

"I know; I'm sorry but please try and understand. Please don't fight me on this Clary; I really, really need to know you are safe at home so I can focus on finding my sister." I do my best to keep my voice calm.

Clary strokes my cheek with her palm and just her gentle touch calms my nerves. I lean forward and kiss her lips softly before we all continue towards the institute. After I take Clary upstairs and change into my gear quickly I kiss her goodbye and meet up with Alec outside. I push the end button on my phone after getting Izzy's voicemail for the second time and quickly find Simons phone number in my list of contacts before pushing the call button.

"_Hey Jace what's up?"_

"My sister's not with you by any chance is she?"

"_No why?"_

"When's the last time you saw her?"

"_Um…let's see two days ago I think."_

"When's that last time you heard from her or got a text from her?"

"_Jace what's going on? Did something happen to Izzy?"_

"I'm trying to figure that out you fucking moron but you won't answer my questions!"

"_S-sorry. Um, okay Izzy text me around eight and told me she wasn't coming over tonight because she had to patrol with Alec."_

"Yeah okay thanks Simon and sorry for calling you a moron."

"_Wait! Jace please don't hang up!"_

"What?"

"_Please tell me what's going on! I have a right to know if something's wrong with Izzy."_

"Alec lost her about an hour ago when they were patrolling."

"_Where?"_

"South side."

"_Where are you and Alec? I want to help."_

"Actually we are only a couple of blocks from your place. We can meet you at Edmonds deli."

"_See you in a minute then."_

Simon hangs up and I nod towards the deli at the end of the block as I tell Alec that Simon is coming to help look for Izzy. Alec is running his hands through his hair as he paces small circles outside the deli while we wait for Simon to get here. I watch as his fingers tremble before they slide into his black hair.

"Try to calm down Alec; we'll find her."

"I can't believe I lost her. Do you think she's okay Jace?"

"I'm sure Izzy's fine Alec. She's probably fucking some dude in the park." Simon says as he approaches us.

When Alec lunges at Simon I have to grab him so he doesn't hit him.

"Easy Alec; hitting Simon won't help us find our sister." I say calmly.

"Yeah well we don't need a smart ass vampire making shitty remarks all night either!" Alec shouts as he glares at Simon.

"Simon isn't going to be making anymore remarks like than now are you Simon?"

"No, I'm sorry. I really only meant to calm you down Alec; I didn't mean what I said."

"Yes you did! None of us are stupid Simon! We all know that Izzy is cheating on you; including you so don't pretend that you didn't really mean what you said."

"Stop it both of you right this minute! We need to find her! We can't find her if you two are standing around fucking arguing. Now shut the fuck up and start looking."

The three of us split up and agree to call the minute we find her or even a clue as to where she might be. We also agree to meet up at the park in two hours. I have combed the same twelve alleyways about ten times over the last two hours and am no closer to finding Izzy than I was two hours ago. I am jogging towards the park when my phone rings in my pocket.

"Clary? Is she there?"

"_No but where are you?"_

"Almost to the park why? You better be in our bedroom because so help me god…"

"_Relax! I'm at home. I just wanted to tell Magnus where he could find you."_

"Magnus? Why?"

"_I called him and asked him to come over to get something of Izzy's so he could do a tracking spell."_

"Oh you beautiful girl you; thank you baby."

"_Your welcome and good luck oh and please be careful."_

"I will. I love you momma."

"_Love you Jace. Talk to you soon."_

"Bye baby."

Alec and Simon are already at the park when I get there and Alec looks like he's is about to fall apart when I look at him. Simon looks even paler than he usually does as he holds something in his hand out towards me.

"What's that?" I ask.

"Her phone; its broken."

I take the phone from his hand to inspect it but I can't tell exactly how it got broken.

"Are you sure this is her phone Simon?"

"I'm sure; see that green heart sticker on the back of it; I put it on there a month ago."

"Fuck. Where did you find this?"

"On Fifth Avenue in the middle of the street."

"We need to check all the nearby hospitals. What if she got hit by a damn car or something Jace?" Alec's voice is still high pitched but there is almost a little bit of hope in his voice too.

"Let's just wait till Magnus gets here." I say calmly.

"Magnus? Did you call him?"

"No Clary called him. He went to the institute and got something of Izzy's to do a tracking spell; he should be here shortly."

"I was going to ask him to try that but I thought maybe we could have found her ourselves. I should have called him right away." Alec sounds sad.

"You bet your tight little angel ass you should have called me." Magnus says cheerfully as he approaches us.


	14. Chapter 14

**Song List For This Chapter…**

**Jon Bellion, Zedd - Beautiful Now**

**Christian Lopez Band - Will I See You Again**

**Kings of Leon - Dancing On My Own (Robyn Cover) ((Look this up on YouTube...it's beautiful))**

**Rihanna - Diamonds**

**Imagine Dragons - It's Time**

**Christina Perri - A Thousand Years**

**Train - 50 Ways To Say Goodbye**

**Gavin DeGraw - Not Over You**

**Adele - Set Fire To The Rain**

**Fun. - Some Nights**

**Gotye Feat. Kimbra - Sombody That I Used To Know**

Alec runs over and hugs Magnus tightly and I can hear him saying that he's sorry for not calling him. Magnus runs his glitter painted fingernails through Alec's messy hair and smiles at him.

"All is forgiven my love. Now we have a tracking spell to perform. Let us just see where our dark haired beauty has gone shall we?"

After a few quite moments Magnus rolls his eyes dramatically and looks at the three of us who are looking at him like he might hold the answer to the universe or some shit.

"You three are going to be pissed when I tell you were she is."

"Just tell us already." Alec shrieks. The smile on Magnus's face tells me that Izzy isn't in any kind of danger and I can feel my shoulders relax. I glance at Simon and he is no longer panicking but he still looks confused.

"She's at the Pandemonium." Magnus sounds bored.

"You have got to be kidding me?" Simon says in disbelief.

"I am going to kill her!" Alec shouts.

"Not if I don't kill her first; she fucked up my date night with Clary." I say calmly.

Magnus tells the three of us goodbye and heads home for the night after he tells us we now owe him two hours of beauty sleep for bothering him. When we get to Simons street he stops walking and grabs my shoulder.

"What is it Simon? Do you want to go put on a pretty shirt or something? Don't worry they will let you in as long as you stick with us two hotties."

"I'm not going to the Pandemonium with you."

"What? Why not?"

"Let's just say that my inappropriate joke about her fucking someone in the bushes might not be that far off from the truth. I'd rather not have to see it right in front of my eyes; I still have a little bit of dignity left."

"I'm really sorry Simon." Alec says softly.

"Don't be sorry; just go make sure she's actually okay."

I hate the look on his face and I don't even know what to say to him so I end up just giving him an awkward hug. The awkward hug turns out to be fucking sad as he grips me tightly in return. His sad whisper is enough to make me want to bawl like a baby or punch a hole in a wall; whichever comes first.

"This is me holding my head up high Jace. It's time I let her go."

I put my hands on his shoulders to look into his coffee colored eyes before he turns away and walks slowly towards his apartment. Alec and I walk the last three blocks to the club and I tell him I will be in as soon as I call Clary to let her know that we found Izzy so she won't worry. Just when I'm about to hang up my phone after it rings for the fifth time I hear a click.

"_Did you find her?"_

"Yeah baby we found her. She's okay. She must have dropped her phone so that's why we couldn't get ahold of her."

"_Where was she?"_

"At the Pandemonium; she's still here, Alec went in to find her and I need to go in and help him but I just wanted to call you real quick so you weren't worried."

"_Wow! We'll talk about when you get home. Be safe; love you."_

"Love you; see you soon."

I shove my phone back into my pocket as I make my way into the club. The too warm air and the pounding music hits me as soon as I open the door. I look around at what looks to be probably close to four hundred people dancing and mingling with each other. I used to spend at least two nights a week here before Clary and I got together but that feels like a lifetime ago as I look around the open space to see if I can spot Alec or Izzy. All the sweaty bodies sliding against each other to the pulse of the music makes the intense heat in the club feel suffocating as I shove my way through the crowd as I try to spot my siblings.

"Does the mother of your child know you're here or does she have your balls in a jar at home?"

I turn around to see fucking Kailea smiling at me; by the way she slurred her words I can tell she's drunk.

"I'm just here long enough to find my sister; have you seen her by any chance?"

"No sorry. I should send you the bill for my tooth you know."

"Just send it to the institute and Alec will take care of it."

"Come dance with me Jace."

"No."

"Oh please! Just one little harmless dance; for old time sakes?"

Kailea has her hand pressed against my chest as she drunkenly bats her heavily make up-ed eyes at me.

"I don't want to dance with you Kailea. Look your drunk so I will cut you a little bit of slack but you need to keep your hands off of me okay."

She makes no attempt to remove her hand from my chest; in fact now she has both of her hands pressed firmly against my body and her strong alcohol laced breath is almost overpowering to my nose as she tilts her head up to talk to me.

"Come on Jace. Let's go in the bathroom; I can make you feel good and I promise not to tell Clary." She slurs.

"Keep your hands off of my brother you little slut!"

Izzy came out of nowhere and jumped in between Kailea and I and now she is shoving Kailea away from me. I watch as Izzy slams her palms against Kailea's chest a few more times until they are both about ten feet away from me but when I see tears running down Kailea's face; I close the gap and grip Izzy's shoulder to stop her from pushing her again.

"Leave her alone Izzy; she's drunk."

Izzy turns around as Kailea disappears into the crowd.

"What is going on Jace? Why are you defending her? Please tell me you're not cheating on Clary."

"Fuck you Izzy! I would never cheat on Clary. You are the one who has the wandering eye not me."

Izzy ignores my low blow and flips her hair over her shoulder.

"Why are you even here Jace?"

"Looking for you. Why the fuck are you here? How could you do that to Alec?"

"Oh don't be so dramatic Jace; I followed a demon here. It's dead by the way; I killed it. When I looked for my phone to call Alec I realized it was gone. I must have lost it."

I pull her broken phone out of my pocket and hand it to her.

"Oh damn. It's broken. Where did you find this?"

"I didn't find it anywhere. Simon found it in the middle of the street on Fifth Avenue."

"Simon's here?" She says excitedly.

"No he went home when he found out you were okay."

"Oh…well that sucks. You know what Jace; I really feel like dancing right now. How about it brother? Since we're all here why don't you dance with your sister?"

"No thanks Izzy; as soon as we find your brother I am going home to Clary."

"Don't you miss coming here at all Jace?" She pouts.

"Not even a little bit."

"Well I miss you coming; you used to dance with me all the time and Alec is a terrible dancer. Magnus can dance pretty well but he thinks this place sucks."

"Simon is an excellent dancer. Why don't you ask him to come here with you?"

"I don't think he really likes to come here."

When she rolls her dark eyes at me and flips her dark hair over her shoulder I feel a pang of anger flood into my body; the words I speak to her come out in a harsh tone as I narrow my golden eyes at her.

"You are so stupid Izzy; you are also fucking blind. Simon wants to be wherever you are; haven't you figured that out yet?"

"Oh hey look! There's Alec!" Izzy shouts as she shoves past me to go talk to Alec; she completely ignores everything I just said to her. Feeling defeated; I follow her so I can tell them I am going home for the night. Alec looks pissed as he shakes his pale finger in Izzy's face; Izzy has her hands on her hips as she looks up the four inches of height that Alec has over her. I stand back a few feet and watch the two of them to see how heated their argument might get. When Alec's arms slide over Izzy's shoulders for a hug I decide it's safe to approach the two of them.

"You two okay then?" I ask.

"Yeah were good; thanks for helping me find her Jace."

"No problem Alec."

"Do you want a drink? Izzy wants me to dance with her so I'm going to grab something from the bar."

"No you go ahead; I'm going to go home now that everything's good."

"Come on Jace; stay and have a drink with me. Clary's sleeping and you're already here so what's the big deal."

"It's not a big deal but I told Clary I would be home as soon as I made sure Izzy was okay."

"Izzy might be okay but I'm not; I'm still fucking shaking over this whole night. I could use a strong drink to calm my nerves and I hate to drink alone but if you're afraid of Clary then I guess I will just see you at home." Alec's tone is light and playful as he makes his little joke about me being afraid of Clary but I still find it important to make him understand that, that isn't the reason why I want to go home.

"I'm not afraid of Clary; but I do respect her and I already told her I was coming home."

"So what, you're a big boy Jace you can have one drink with your brother to help him calm his nerves. For Christ sakes you are here with me and Izzy; how is that being disrespectful to her?"

I would love to tell him and Izzy that the biggest reason why I want to leave is because this place just isn't my scene anymore. Being at the club; drinking too much alcohol and dancing with too many girls until I find one that is willing to give me a blow job or wants to fuck in the bathroom; is all part of my old life-style that I never want to fall back into. I decide to just give into them and have a fucking drink so they don't think I am blowing them off. I know the only reason why they want me to stay is because before Clary the three of us used to spend almost every weekend here together. Since I started seeing Clary I haven't spent a whole lot of time just hanging out with my siblings so staying for a drink should make them happy.

"I guess you're right but just one drink and then I'm out of here."

Izzy wraps her long fingers around my arm as Alec makes his way to the bar to get us some drinks.

"Jace come dance with me; it's going to take him like ten minutes to get our drinks anyhow."

Izzy gives me her best puppy dog eyes as she puts her bottom lip out and I can't help but laugh at her. I grab her by the elbow and lead her onto the dance floor. I take a moment to pick up the beat of the thumping music and begin to dance with my sister as she snakes around me. After two songs I feel a thin layer of sweat on my body from dancing and from all the bodies around me. The third song has a slower beat and I have Izzy's back pressed against my chest as we dance close; I keep most of my focus on dancing but I am also looking for Alec to bring us our drinks because I'm thirsty. I see him shoving his way through the crowd; I begin to laugh at him because he is trying to balance three glasses in his hands without spilling our drinks. I pat Izzy's hip to get her attention and she spins around to look at me; I point to Alec and the two of us make our way over to our brother.

"Sorry it took me so long; getting drinks in here can be a nightmare."

"Only for you it is Alec. Izzy and I get our drinks right away when we go up there. You just need to learn to be a little more assertive with people."

"I just don't want to be rude."

"Why not everyone else in here is fucking rude? What did you get me to drink?"

"I just made it easy for the bartender and ordered three double shots of Jack."

"Ewe! Alec I don't drink that shit. I'm going to get something fruity; I'll be right back." Izzy's dark hair swings from side to side as she make her way towards the bar. I grab one of the glasses from Alec and drink the amber colored liquid down in one big gulp and then I take the other glass from him and do the same thing with it.

"Shit Jace! Slow down a little bit."

"I'm good Alec; you will thank me later for drinking Izzy's drink. If you drink four shots of Jack you are going to need to be carried home."

"No I wouldn't. I can handle my liquor. How do you know you won't need carried home?"

"Handle your liquor my ass! You'll be stumbling around just from those two shot as it is. I won't need carried home trust me. I would have to drink a whole fifth of Jack before I would have a problem but I still wouldn't need carried home."

"Well maybe not carried home but you might end up calling a vampire to walk you home."

Alec and I both laugh as we wait for Izzy to make her way back towards us. She has some kind of bright blue drink with a pink umbrella sticking out of the top of it.

"What the hell is that Izzy?"

"The bar tender called it Electric Lemonade. Do you want to try it? It's so yummy."

I take a sip from her glass and find that it's not as fruity as some of the shit she usually drinks before handing it back to her. 

"That's really fucking good actually."

"You should get one."

"I will not be seen drinking something that has a pink umbrella sticking out of it."

"So tell them you want your umbrella to be green."

"No I think I've had enough actually. Well I've had a drink with you Alec and I even was nice and danced with you little sister so can I go home now?"

"Oh don't go yet; I still want to dance." Izzy whines.

"I'll dance with you Izzy; let Jace go home." Alec adds helpfully.

"Fine I'll dance with you but if you step on my toes again I'm going to make you regret it."

"Have fun you two and I'll see you tomorrow."

They both wave to me as Izzy drags Alec into the crowd towards the dance floor; I shove my way through the sea of people and the fresh air outside of the club feels about fifteen degrees cooler. I lean against the brick building for a few minutes because my head feels dizzy; maybe four shots of Jack after not drinking for almost six month might have been a bit too much. The sound of someone throwing up down the alley draws my attention out of my buzzed state. I walk around the corner with the intentions of making fun of whatever drunk bastard is puking behind the dumpster only to find none other than Kailea doubled over as she retches. I try to back up towards the sidewalk but she sees me and stands up as she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

"Well this is embarrassing." She slurs as she looks at me with red rimmed eyes; she has streaks of mascara running down her cheeks.

"You okay Kailea?"

"No…I'm drunk."

"That's a bit of an understatement; you can't talk right and I bet you couldn't walk a straight line if you tried."

"Go to hell Jace." She snaps.

"Are you here by yourself?"

"Yeah, so what's it to you?"

"Just wondering if you had someone who will make sure you get home okay."

"I'm a big girl; I think I can find my way home without getting lost."

"Come on; I'll walk you home. I wouldn't want any weirdos fucking with you." I offer.

"I don't think Clary would appreciate you going home with me Jace."

I don't know why but for some reason I find Kailea's drunken words to be comical; the alcohol in her system seems to have given her an even bolder attitude than she usually has. I walk over and grab her wrist and start walking towards the sidewalk.

"You're right about that Kailea; Clary would not be too happy if I went home with you but I'm not going home with you; I am simply making sure that a drunk girl gets home safe. Clary might hate your guts but that doesn't mean she would want something bad to happen to you."

"Did you forget that she threatened to cut my tits off and she also threatened to kill me?"

Now I'm really laughing at her because of her tone; she really must be afraid of Clary; honestly I don't blame her for being afraid of my moody little red head. Clary can be pretty fucking ruthless when she wants to be but I still know she would be proud of me to do the right thing by making sure Kailea gets home safe. Kailea is just a tiny little thing; not much bigger than Clary actually; her blond hair and revealing clothes is enough to attract the sicko's towards her as it is but if they see she's by herself and drunk god knows what could happen to her.

"Clary was having a bad day when she said those things to you." I can't keep the humor out of my voice.

"Are you really as happy as you say you are Jace?"

"Yes I really am."

"Are you worried that things will change between you and Clary after the baby comes?"

"I know things will change but I also know that I will love those changes."

"Izzy told me that you and Clary were getting married; is that true?"

"It's true."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why Kailea? I love Clary and she is pregnant with my child."

"Just because she's pregnant doesn't mean you have to marry her."

"I know that. I asked her to marry me because I want to spend the rest of my life with her not because I feel like it's some kind of moral obligation. For Christ sakes I would never marry someone that I wasn't in love with; baby or no baby."

"How do you know you will feel the same way about her in say five years Jace? You aren't even eighteen yet and people change their minds about a lot of things when they get older."

"There will never be a day where I will not want her; that I know for a fact."

"She must be one hell of a good lay."

"Watch your mouth Kailea."

"I'm sorry I guess I am still am having trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that you're not a player anymore."

"I was never a player Kailea."

"Yes you were Jace. You just floated through life doing whatever and whoever you wanted to; you never worried about the consequences of your actions."

"My actions were always very clear Kailea; even with you."

"Yeah well just because you tell a girl that all you want from her is sex and nothing more doesn't mean anything. A girl might think she can handle something like that but after it actually happens sometimes things change; sometime people have feelings that they can't control."

"Shit…don't do this Kailea. Look I'm sorry if you have some kind of feelings for me but you need to understand that I will never return those feelings for you."

"Relax Jace I didn't really mean me. It's not like I'm in love with your or anything; I just liked the way you fuck me."

"Oh…well I guess that's good to know."

"It's good to know that I liked the way you fucked me?" She giggles and I almost laugh right with her but I don't want her to get the wrong idea.

"No not that; I already knew that because all girls like the way I fuck them. I'm good at it. What I meant was it's good to know that you don't have feelings for me."

"Pretty sure of yourself aren't you Jace?"

"Yep." I laugh and she rolls her eyes as she giggles at me.

We get to the front of her apartment building and I stop walking as I look down at her smeared face. I pull my shirt sleeve down over my hand and use it to wipe the black streaks off of her cheeks as she looks up at me.

"You're sweet you know that?" She whispers as I carefully use my shirt to wipe under her eyes.

"Sweet as sugar." I joke.

I drop my hand from her face and shove my hands in my pockets as I take a step back from her.

"Clary is a lucky girl to have you in her life."

"I'm the lucky one. I still have trouble understanding how she sees me. She knows about my past; about all the girls yet she still thinks I'm some kind of rare gift from god or something. The way she looks at me and the way she loves me makes me feel like I actually deserve someone as special as Clary. It's like in her eyes I am perfect or something; in her eyes I can do no wrong in life. The way she makes me feel; I feel like there really isn't anything I could ever do wrong in life as long as she is by my side. As long as I can look into her green eyes and wake up to her beautiful face every morning life couldn't be better."

"I can really see how happy she makes you now. Just now when you were talking about her you got an almost dream like look in your eye. I can tell that you miss her right now even though it's probably not been that long since you were last with her. I thought your calm demeanor since you got together was boredom but I realize I was wrong about that. You are at peace when you are with her; you were never at peace before her. If anything you were constantly restless; like you were always trying to find something exciting to do or…I don't know…I'm just drunkenly rambling now."

"No you're not…well yes you are drunk but I think I understand what you are saying. I was restless all the time before Clary and I think what I was trying to find was her. Now that I have found her I am completely at peace and I plan on keeping my claws into her forever."

"Do you think Clary would let me apologize to her or should I just leave it alone?"

"Um…well I guess that would be up to you really. You did say some pretty fucked up things to her; hell you said some fucked up things to me…no it's okay…I get that you were just shooting your mouth off so you don't owe me an apology. Honestly though I think for now it would just be best if you backed off for a while. Give her a little time to cool off and then maybe she would be willing to talk to you."

"I'll take your advice on that; I trust you Jace. For what it's worth I really am sorry for saying that shit; it was pretty messed up."

"Like I said it's no big deal…fucked up but no big deal. The tiff between you and Clary has been brewing for a long time."

"I know that. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you consider me your friend or was Clary being truthful when she said that you weren't?"

"Look Kailea, I have known you for what like two years or something like that? I used to like talking to you when we eat at Taki's; hell I have had you as more personal company a few times even but the way you have been acting around me since I have started dating Clary has made me feel very uncomfortable. If there ever was a time where I might have considered you some kind of a friend in the past; your actions and your words have made that impossible now."

"I promise to stop all that shit; please don't feel like you need to avoid me. I truly understand how much you love Clary now and I will respect you and hers relationship from now on."

"Thank you Kailea that means a lot to me."

"Well I'm tired and I smell like throw up so I am going to go up to my apartment now. Thank you for being a gentleman and walking my drunk ass home."

"You're welcome Kailea. I will see you around."

"Goodnight Jace."

"It will be a good night once I have my arms wrapped around a little red head."

She just laughs and shakes her head as she steps inside of the lobby of her apartment complex.

I find Clary sleeping when I get home; considering it's almost three-thirty in the morning it's understandable the she is out like a light. I grab a quick shower and brush my teeth twice to try to get the taste of Jack out of my mouth. I don't bother putting clothes on; I just drop my towel on the floor and climb into bed. I place my hand on Clary's hip as I nuzzle my face into her neck and gently kiss her soft skin as I whisper goodnight to her.

"You've been drinking." Her voice nearly makes me jump.

"Alec made me have a drink with him before I left the club; Izzy even made me dance with her. You're not angry with me are you?"

Clary rolls over and places her warm hand on my cheek as her green eyes look at me. I kiss the inside her palms as she begins to speak.

"No I'm not angry with you. Tell me what happened with your sister."

"It was a bit of a misunderstanding really. She followed a demon into the club and she dropped her phone. Alec kind of freaked out for no reason; and in turn he freaked me and Simon out as well."

The moon light catches the diamond on her ring as she pushes her hair off of her face and I smile at the sight of what that ring means to me. That ring tells me and everyone else in the world that this beautiful girls heart belongs to me and no one else.

"What are you grinning at? How much did you have to drink?" She giggles.

"I'm grinning at you; my beautiful wife to be."

I pull her closer to me and consume her full lips with my mouth. She starts to slide her hands over my body as we kiss and when her hand reaches my hip she breaks our kiss by giggling into my mouth.

"Are you naked Jace?"

"Mmm-hmm. You should be naked too."

"No way; you're drunk and I'm still a little sore."

"I can kiss it all better momma; my tongue has healing powers. I promise I'm not drunk; well not anymore. I took a long walk before I came home so I barely have a buzz now. Now stop talking and get those clothes off; I want to hear you moan my name over and over again baby." I purr.

She pulls her face away from me to avoid my kiss as I slide my fingers under her t-shirt. She pulls my face away from her neck by griping me with her hands so I will look at her.

"Why did you talk a long walk? Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine baby. I walked Kailea home from the club; kiss me please I want you so bad right now."

"What?" She shrieks.

"Shh…you're going to wake the whole house up screaming like that."

"I don't care! Why would you walk that bitch home? I can't believe you would do that!"

"Fuck, you are really pissed at me aren't you?" I say bitterly as my anger flares.

"Why shouldn't I be pissed?" She snaps.

I sit up in bed and turn on my bedside lamp before looking at her.

"How about because you should trust me Clary? How about because I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you? She was drunk; I mean really, really drunk and I was worried that she wouldn't get home safe. You might hate her but I thought you would be proud of me for being a gentleman by making sure a drunk girl got home safe. Why are you making me feel like I did something wrong?" I can't help the anger that is in my words as I speak to her in a fairly loud tone.

"Why couldn't Alec walk her home?"

"Seriously? That's what you have to say to me right now?"

"No wonder she won't leave you alone. You keep her on a string by being nice to her all the time." Clary's words are cold as ice as her green eyes glare at me.

"This is such bullshit! I can't believe we are fighting over something so stupid." I shout.

"We're not fighting!" She shouts back.

"Really? Then why are we both fucking pissed off? Why are we both shouting? I'm done; I am tired and I'm going the fuck to sleep. I refuse to stay awake and listen to you scream at me for doing the right thing. I wouldn't care if my worst fucking enemy walked you home just so you would be safe; all I would care about is that you got home safe and nothing more. Goodnight Clary."

I shut off the lamp and turn my back to her as I sink down on my pillow; hoping that she will just let me go the fuck to sleep for tonight. I have already raised my voice at her and I feel like I might have been a little out of line with some of things I said so I just want to get some sleep and try to talk to her tomorrow when I am calmed down. As angry as I am with her right now; the hurt I feel by her lack of trust in me makes my stomach hurt. I don't want my stomach to hurt and I don't want to focus on the pain I feel from her mistrust so I grit my teeth and hang onto the anger as I try to go to sleep.

The sunlight shining through my eyelids wakes me up the next morning and when I roll over and open my eyes; I find an empty bed. I feel a strange sensation wash over me when I don't see Clary's warm body sleeping next to me. After a full night's sleep I might not be angry anymore but it still hurt to know that maybe Clary doesn't trust me. I realize that last night was one of the first times since we have been together that the two of us have went to bed angry; that simple fact makes my stomach churn painfully as I roll out of bed and dress quickly before trying to find her. As I near the kitchen I feel all my tense muscles relax when I hear the familiar sound of Clary's laughter. Her and Izzy are sitting at the kitchen table as Alec stands by the stove cooking pancakes. Risking getting slapped or screamed at; I wrap my arms around Clary's shoulders and kiss her neck from behind.

"Good morning beautiful." I whisper in her ear.

"Good morning Jace." Shit I don't understand her tone. She doesn't really sound mad but she doesn't really sound happy either. Her tone was kind of flat and neutral.

"Jace do you want some pancakes?" Alec calls from the stove.

"I'm not hungry."

"Since when aren't you hungry Jace?" Izzy stares at me in disbelief.

"My stomach hurts this morning so I think I'll just have some coffee."

"Are you sick? Do you want me to stay home with you?" Clary's green eyes are filled with concern as she looks at me.

"Nice try Clary! You are going shopping with me today even if I have to drag you out of this house; you have avoided it long enough." Izzy narrows her dark eyes at Clary and I feel the urge to laugh at my sister's insistent attitude this morning but the pain in my stomach from the uncertain state of my relationship with Clary keeps me from actually laughing.

Clary completely ignores Izzy as she rises from her chair and crosses the kitchen to place her hand on my cheek as I lean against the counter. My eyes close and my lips magnetically turn into her palm where I kiss her skin softly.

"You look pale Jace. Maybe you should go back to bed."

When I open my eyes to look at her; I try to use my golden eyes to tell her how sorry I am and to tell her how much I love her. I know the only reason why my stomach hurts and my skin is pale is because I am worried that there is something broken between the two of us. I want to talk to her but being in the kitchen with my siblings is not how I want to begin to fix this mess.

"Will you come and tuck me in?" I ask softly.

"No! Clary don't you dare go upstairs with him. We are leaving in thirty minutes and if we don't stick to our schedule then my entire day will be shot to hell."

Clary keeps her hand on my face and her green eyes on me as she speaks to Izzy.

"I will be ready to go in thirty minutes but for now I am going upstairs with Jace. He looks really sick and I just want to make sure he's okay. And remember Izzy this is supposed to be my day since it's my baby that we are shopping for so just calm down."

Clary slides her hand into mine and leads me down the hall towards the elevator; once inside she shuts the gate but doesn't press any of the buttons to take us upstairs. She spins around and throws her tiny body at my chest hard enough to slam my back against the wall of the elevator. Her tiny body begins to shake and I can hear her crying softly.

"Clary don't cry please." I whisper as I wrap my arms around her.

"I am so sorry Jace. I am sorry for over reacting and yelling at you last night. You are such a good person and you did do the right thing by walking her home. I'm sorry if you felt like I don't trust you and I'm sorry if I made you feel like you did something wrong. I was the wrong one not you. I love you so much and I hate that we went to sleep without me apologizing first. I barely slept at all last night because you had your back to me instead of your arms wrapped around me. I never felt so cold and alone as I laid there and looked at your back all night."

I peel her face off of my chest and lift her chin so I can look at her tear filled eyes. I lean down and brush my lips gently across her; it wasn't a kiss it was just the need to feel her lips against mine so I could speak. Like the brush of her lips somehow pulls the words out of my mouth.

"I never want to sleep with my back to you again. The only reason why I slept at all last night was because of the alcohol in my system. When I woke up this morning and you weren't there I thought the worst things Clary; I thought I fucked up so bad that you might have left me. I'm so sorry I yelled at you."

"Oh damn it! I can't stand the thought of you thinking I would leave you Jace. I love you so much and you make me so happy. I can't wait until our daughter is born and I can't wait to be married to you. You are everything to me Jace. You don't owe me an apology because I was being ridiculous and that's the only reason why you yelled at me."

I place my hands on her swollen stomach as I continue to look at her.

"You are everything to me too Clary; you and this baby are all I want in life. I know it upset you that I walked her home but I'm not sorry for doing it. I am actually very glad I did walk her home because I was able to make her understand just how important you are to me. She won't be a problem anymore; in fact she would really like to be able to apologize to you for being so disrespectful to you and to our relationship."

"Should I give her a chance to apologize? I mean you know her better than I do so should I trust her to behave herself from now on or should I just leave it alone?"

"I think you should do what feels right to you. If it helps you make the decision; I really think she was being sincere. I think she really does feel bad about the way she has been acting but like I said it's your decision not mine."

"How are you with all of this?"

"I'm fine; I still don't really consider Kailea my friend but that doesn't mean I want to break up a girl fight every time I want a hamburger. It would be nice if we could all act like adults when we are around each other but if she makes you that uncomfortable then we don't have to go to Taki's anymore. I don't want my girl all upset because of some stupid waitress. I can always learn how to make coconut pancakes for you." I smile at her when she giggles about my offer to cook her pancakes.

"No I can behave myself but I think I might need a couple of weeks to muster up the courage to look at her again."

"Are we okay now Clary?"

"Yes we're okay. I really am sorry for hurting you Jace."

"And I'm sorry for keeping my back to you all night. Let's never do that again okay."

"Deal. Now let's get you into bed."

"I don't need to go to bed. My stomach doesn't hurt anymore now that I know you and I are okay."

"You might not be sick anymore but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go to bed."

Her seductive voice and her bright green eyes tell me that she isn't just going to tuck me into bed and pat me on the head before she leaves to go shopping with my sister. My excitement for her body makes me want to take her right here in the elevator but she opens the door to our floor and steps out into the hallway before I can get my hands on her. I use my long legs to catch up with her hurried steps and she squeals when I scoop her up and carry her the rest of the way to our bedroom.

"I don't want to rush you or anything but unless you want Izzy to come up here and start screaming at us; we are going to have to make this kind of quick."

Clary hurriedly strips her clothes off as I do the same and I pull her naked body on top of me as I lay across the mattress.

"Are you still sore?"

"No, I'm okay now."

"We can make this as fast as you want to baby; you're in control this time." I say as I begin to stroke her center with my fingertips. She leans down and her big belly presses hard against my flat stomach as she kisses me. When she lifts her hips off of mine I know she is ready for me to slide my length into her and when I do we both sigh from the sensation. She lifts herself off of my chest and begins to grind her hips against mine and I enjoy how her round belly slides over my lower stomach. I run my fingers over her belly as she increases her pace a little more and within a few minutes of her rocking the sounds she makes and the way her body starts to jerk; I know her climax is coming on fast.

"Jace…I can't…you need to…" Her words come out in broken pants as I grip her hips and begin to pump my hips into her sweet center just in time for her to shudder apart. Her body shakes so much that all she can do is hang onto me as I stroke her with my length and within a few minutes I spill into her and still my movements. Clary lifts her hips off of me and lays down beside me as she drapes her arm and her leg over my body. I run my hand across her back as I plant kisses on her forehead.

"Thank you baby; I really needed that." I whisper.

"Mmm me too. So much for having a good hair day."

"Did Izzy straighten your hair for you? It looks…well it did look really pretty anyhow; now it's all sweaty."

"Yeah she did and she's going to be mad when I walk downstairs with my hair in a ponytail."

"She'll get over it as soon as you get to the mall."

"Ugh…I should probably get this over with but I would rather stay here with you."

"I know what you mean baby; I could go for round two or maybe even round three but you better go before she comes busting in here. Besides Alec and I have work to do today; we have to finish painting the nursery and figure out how to put together that changing table thing for the baby. Just so you know though; it's my turn later momma." I growl the last part into her ear before I nip her sensitive skin with my teeth.

Clary slides off the bed and I watch her as she dresses quickly and pulls her red hair into a knot on top of her head. She bends forward so that she can apply lip gloss to her full lips and I enjoy the view of her round bottom as it sticks out. I jump off the bed and put my hands on her hips while she is still bent forward; I grab the knot of red hair in my hand and bite the skin behind her ears as I press my hips against her rear end.

"Jace what are you doing?"

"Thinking about pulling your pants down and going for round two right here." I purr into her ear and her whole body shudders; making me want her even more than I already do.

"Bent over the dresser like this?" She asks with a surprised tone to her voice.

"Fucking right. Damn it Clary I can't get enough of you."

She moans as I press her body against the dresser and pull her head back by her hair so I can have access to her throat. My teeth graze her neck and collarbone as I slide my other hand off her hip and down between her thighs and she gasp when I press my fingers against her center.

"Jace you are going to make me late." She breathes.

"Not if I make this quick baby." I growl into her ear as I slide my fingers into the waist band of her pants. She moans loudly when I give her hair a not so gentle tug and I feel blood pool to my shaft with excitement.

"Can we go to the bed instead?"

"I want you right here Clary; I want to watch you in the mirror while I take you from behind."

"But this hurt my belly."

As soon as she says that I am hurting her I take my hands off her and step back from her. She slowly pushes herself off the dresser and she is rubbing her belly when she turns around. I drop to my knees in front of her and place my hands on her belly and kiss it before I look up at her.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. Are you okay?"

"I'm just fine Jace and you didn't really hurt me it was just really uncomfortable."

"I won't do something like that again; I promise. I don't even know what came over me in the first place; it's just when I saw you bent over like that I just wanted to be inside of you again."

"I hope you don't keep that promise Jace."

"Huh?"

"I think I would like to be bent over the dresser but not while I have this big belly sticking out in front of me."

"So what you are saying is that you want an extend rain check of sorts?"

"Yes."

"Thank fucking god! Because even though I promised I wouldn't do that to you again I still really want to."

"That's good because I want you to; just not till after this belly goes away."

"You better go downstairs before my hormones flare up again." I say with a grin.

She giggles as I stand and walk her to the door so she can leave for her shopping trip. I keep my naked body behind the open bedroom door just in case someone is in the hall. I grab Clary by her elbow and spin her around just before she leaves the room.

"What are you doing Jace?"

"You were seriously going to leave me for the whole day without even giving me a goodbye kiss?"

She giggles as she stands on her tip toes and kisses me quickly on the cheek; I grab her waist and bend down to capture her lips in my mouth before her playful giggle gets too out of hand.

"I love you baby."

"I love you Jace; have fun with Alec today."

"Please try to enjoy yourself too Clary. Shopping for baby clothes might be more fun than you think it will."

"I promise to try and have fun."

"I made sure to fill the tank up for you so you won't have to stop for gas."

"Oh that reminds me…I kind of misplaced your extra car key."

"I found it in the cupboard with the cereal and hung it back up in the garage for you."

"Why on earth would I put car keys with the cereal?"

"Guess you're just silly like that. Go on; get out of here now before my sister comes after you."

"Yeah I wouldn't want to mess up her itinerary sheet."

I watch her disappear into the elevator and I shut my door so I can get dressed. I quickly make up the bed and gather up the dirty laundry to take it down to the washroom before I go to find Alec. I find Alec in the washroom folding bath towels; sometimes I think that's all he ever does is hang out in the laundry room and fold clothes.

"Alec, I still for the life of me can't understand why you don't just send our stuff out to the laundry service; the clave allows for that in the household budget you know."

"I like to do laundry. Folding clothes is soothing to me."

I lift up one of Izzy's thongs and it looks like a small scrap of material with a couple of strings on it as I raise my eyebrows at Alec.

"And how exactly do you fold something like this?" I joke and he just shakes his head and snatches the red thong out of my hand.

"Grow up Jace!" He chuckles as his cheeks turn red from embarrassment.

"Why are you turning so red Alec? Was that your thong instead of Izzy's?"

"Shut up! I would never wear something like that. Come on we have painting to do."

I am still laughing as we make our way to the nursery that is two doors down from Clary and I's bedroom. Clary picked out a soft cream color for the walls and an even softer pink color for the trim work. She found these sticker things on the internet that we can put on the walls to decorate the plain cream color. There are several butterflies about the size of basketballs and lots of different flowers that are about the size of tennis balls. She also orders these words that we can stick on the wall beside the crib that say 'You Are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine'. She gave me special instructions on where to hang the letters so there will be room to add our daughter's name to the wall after she is born.

Two hours later Alec and I have all the painting done and all the wall decals hung in their places and now we are sitting on the floor trying to figure out how to put the changing table together.

"I don't understand these instructions Jace. What does it mean when it says press part C into slot F while turning screw 9 counter clockwise? Do they think an octopus is putting this damn thing together?"

"Christ we should just burn this fucking thing and go buy one that's already put together." I groan.

"If we could get away with that without our feisty little red head finding out I would say hand me the lighter." Alec jokes.

My phone starts ringing in my pocket and when I see Clary's name on the caller ID I start laughing.

"Look at that Alec; she must know what we are planning and now she's calling to put us in our places."

I push the button to answer my phone as I chuckle at the panicked look on Alec's face.

"Hey there sexy momma; how goes the shopping?"

"_Am I speaking to Jace Wayland?"_

"Oh…uh…who is this?"

"_Is this Jace Wayland?"_

"Y-yes but who are you and why do you have my fiancés phone?"

"_This is Cathleen Hawthorne and I am a charge nurse here at Lenox Hill hospital. I found your number listed under Clarissa's in case of emergency contact on her cellphone."_

"What's happened? Where is Clary? Is she all right?" Every hair on my body is standing straight up as I wait to hear what she has to say.

"_Sir I think it would be best for you to just come to the Emergency room and the doctor on Clarissa's services can explain things better to you than I can; I was only told to contact her next of kin but since I couldn't find any mother or father listing on her phone I called you."_

"You can't even tell me if she's okay or even what happened? Is it the baby?"

"_Please just come to the ER Mr. Wayland."_

"Okay; I'm on my way right now."

I hang the phone up and grab Alec as I bolt out of the room towards the elevator. I shove him into the elevator and slam the gate shut as I press the ground floor button repeatedly.

"Jace tell me what's going on please." Alec voice is full of fear.

"I don't know; she wouldn't tell me anything. All I know is that Clary is in the Emergency Room and that I need to get there."

"What about Izzy? Where is our sister? Do you think Clary went into labor?"

"Aleeeeec! I don't fucking know! Let's just get there okay." My voice is strained to a high pitch as I try to control my rapid heartbeat.

Part of me wants to call Izzy to see what's going on but I need to focus on running down the busy side walk towards the hospital; I also remember that I couldn't call my sister even if I wanted to because her phone is broken. It will be faster getting there on foot than it would be to hail a cab during lunch time in Manhattan. Fuck, you could walk faster than the traffic moves sometimes in the city. I don't have to look over my shoulder to know that my parabitai is right behind me as I run; I know he wants to get to Clary and our sister just as fast as I do. Ten minutes later I am breathing hard and I am covered in sweat as Alec and I slow our running as we enter the sliding glass doors of the ER. For some strange reason I take the time to notice that the maintenance personnel hasn't touched up the red paint on the cement pole that I scraped with the side of my car months ago. There is a security guard standing at the entrance to the inside of the ER where they have sick and hurt people lying in the numerous beds.

"Whoa! Just where do you think you two are going? You have to have clearance to go back there."

"Look asshole some nurse called me from my fiancés phone stating that I need to be here so what more clearance do I need?" My words come out in a panicked rush and all I want to do is punch this fucker in the face so I can get to Clary. Alec grips my shoulder tightly; I know that's his silent warning to control my angry because if I punch this prick in the face right now I would end up in jail.

"Alright calm down young man let me check with the charge nurse."

"Hawthorne she said her name was nurse Hawthorne."

The security guard can see that we aren't trying to cause any type of threat and he slides a card into the machine next to the doors and lets us go into the ER. I hear him tell us to go to the nurse's station as Alec and I walk hurriedly through the doors.

"Excuse me I got a call about my girlfff…I mean my fiancé; Clarissa Fairchild."


	15. Chapter 15

**AUTHERS NOTE: Hello to all my lovely readers! I hope your day is going well. I just want to thank you all for your feedback on the story so far. I have had many, many great words from you and even some…well not so nice words…but I believe honesty is always best and people have a right to their own opinion. I just hope that I haven't or don't lose any of you readers because I cherish each and every one of you; and please keep your comments coming (Good and Bad) because I love them all. I have had a wonderful time writing this story and have experienced the highs and lows of it. Some of the content in the next few chapters was extremely difficult for me to write and has truly caused me pain and heartache but I had a plan for this story and decided to stick with the plan. Until next time enjoy my lovelies….with love…N…**

**Song List For This Chapter…**

**Daughtry - Life After You**

**OneRepublic - Secrets**

**Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone**

**Neon Trees - Animal**

**Nelly - Just A Dream**

**The Script - Breakeven**

**Green Day - 21 Guns**

**Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober**

**30 Seconds To Mars - From Yesterday**

**James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover**

**My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade**

**Eminem - Cleanin' Out My Closet**

**Default - Wasting My Time**

**Enrique Iglesias - Hero**

The nurse turns her head away from me and begins rapidly typing away on the keyboard of the computer that sits in front of her.

"Let me look up the name. Is Fairchild one word or is it hyphenated?"

"No just one word; F-A-I-R-C-H-I-L-D." My voice shakes as I spell Clary's last name for the nurse.

"Jace! Alec! Over here." Izzy's loud voice makes me turn my attention away from the nurse.

Izzy is sitting on a bed across from the nurse station; she has tiny cuts all over her face and her left arm is in a sling. Her right pant leg on her tight jeans is cut the whole way up to her knee and she has a large bandage wrapped around her calf. Alec rushes to her side and carefully hugs her.

"Izzy! What happened to you?" Alec asks.

Izzy has tears streaming down her cheeks and she makes no attempt to wipe them away or even control her loud sobs. Seeing my sister cry so publicly only makes my panic rise further; Izzy almost never cries and she would never ever cry in front of strangers.

"I-I don't really know…we were in the car and Clary was driving…it just came out of nowhere…I don't even…"

As much as I want to try to under the confusing words that my sister is mumbling through her loud sobs; the nurse behind the counter is trying to get my attention so I turn away from my siblings to see what the nurse has to tell me.

"What did you say your name was young man?"

"Oh I didn't…its Jace; Jace Wayland."

"Okay Jace I don't have a whole lot of information on Clarissa for you at the moment because she only got here a short time ago. What I can tell you is that she was in an automobile accident and that she is under the care of Dr. Stubben; it also says here that she is in O. R. number three."

"I'm sorry I don't understand what that means. What does O. R. number three mean?"

"That means she is in Operating Room number three; she is in surgery."

"Surgery! What for?" Fuck, I feel like I could pass out.

"Look sweetie I understand you are scared and confused right now but that is all the information I can give to you at this time. If you would please take a seat I can promise that as soon as I know anything more about your fiancé; I will be sure to let you know. Do you think you could handle answering a few questions for me before you go sit down Jace?"

"S-sure what do you want to know?" I am trying so hard not to cry right now.

"Do you know how far along Clarissa's pregnancy is?"

"A little over twenty-eight weeks. We're having a little girl."

"Thank you Jace and would you happen to be a relative of her passenger; Isabelle Lightwood?"

"She's my sister…well sort of…her mother and father adopted me when I was ten. They don't live here though they live in…in Switzerland." Shit I almost said Idris.

"Brother it is then. Would it be alright with you if I just put you down for her next of kin then?"

"Yeah you can if you want unless you want her real brothers name instead he's with her right now."

"Sure sweetie what's his name?"

"Alexander Lightwood."

"Thank you Jace, that's all the questions I have for you right now unless you would be able to fill out Clarissa's insurance forms."

"Oh…um…s-sure I guess I can do that."

She hands me a clip board with a shit load of forms that might as well be in a language I can't read because there is no way I can possibly focus on the endless health questions. I go back to the room where Izzy and Alec were only five minutes ago and find the room completely empty. My head feels like it's strangely unattached to my shoulders as I glance around the busy ER for any signs of my siblings. Not spotting either one of them I sink down into an ugly yellow chair in the hall to the left of the nurse's station.

I have no idea how long I have been sitting here staring at the clipboard in my hand; I only managed to write down Clary's name only to scribble it out and write Clarissa in my scrawled handwriting.

"There you are Jace."

I look up to see Alec standing in front of me; his eyes are red and it looks like he has been crying.

"Where is Izzy?"

"They took her down for another CAT scan. I guess she has a pretty bad concussion. Have you heard anything about Clary yet?"

"Just that she is in surgery."

"Shit…that's probably not good is it? You know what just forget I said that Jace; I'm sure she is just fine; the baby too."

I feel so numb right now; I feel like maybe I should be bawling like an idiot but the tears just won't come. I wish I could cry because then maybe the vice like pressure I feel in my head would go away a little bit. My voice doesn't even sound like my own when I start to talk again.

"Did you manage to find out from Izzy what exactly happened? The nurse said they were in a car accident but I don't know anything else and Izzy wasn't making any sense earlier."

"From what little bit I could understand; Izzy said an ice truck came out of nowhere and slammed into the side of the car when Clary was driving down Maddison Avenue."

"What do you mean slammed into the car? Like maybe the truck side swiped her or something?"

"No I mean slammed into the car. I guess the truck came flying out of one of the side alleyways and hit your car. I guess that would be considered T-boned right?"

"The truck hit Clary's side didn't it Alec?"

"That's what Izzy said. She is pretty hysterical right now so I might not have the right story."

"Oh god Alec! What if I lose her? I can't…I nnneee…" I can't finish my sentence because my tears finally start to pour out of my eyes like a fucking river as reality finally begins to set in. I feel my body hit the floor as I fall out of the ugly yellow chair and my sobs become uncontrollable. Alec drops to my side and just lays on the floor beside me as he holds me tight; he is crying almost as loud as I am. After a few minutes I can hear Alec trying to talk to me.

"Let's get up off the floor okay. People are starting to stare Jace."

"Fuck them! Let them fucking stare; I don't give a shit!" My shouts are broken into half a word at a time and I don't even know if Alec understood what I was saying. I let Alec drag me up off the floor and I let him guide me around the corner to a small waiting area where he helps me sit down on a small couch.

"Can I get you anything Jace? Something to drink or maybe some tissues."

"My shirt works just fine for a tissue."

"How about a bottle of water?" He coos at me; he literally coos at me like I'm some kind of fucking child and anger fills my chest when I look at his blue eyes. At least my anger helps slow my fucking tears down to a more controllable speed.

"No I don't want a fucking bottle of water Alec. I want Clary! Can you bring me her? Huh? No? Then shut the fuck up and get out of my face. Who do you think you are talking to me like I'm some kind of child? Fuck off Alec; go see if Izzy needs coddled."

I turn my face away from my brother as he huffs loudly in defeat from my verbal abuse. The fact that he just let me bitch him out and didn't have a word to say back to me makes me love him even more than I already do. He sinks down on the couch beside me and I feel him take my hand in his; I look away and pretend he's not holding my hand but I don't try to shake him off of me. The truth is I need someone to hold my hand right now. What I really want is to be able to hold my green eyed girl and run my hands over her belly and feel my unborn daughter push on my fingers as I press them into Clary's stomach. I remember the first time I really felt my baby moving inside of Clary's stomach; I nearly jump up and down with delight. Feeling my baby girl moving inside of her mother's belly is probably the most wonderful feeling in the world; I am secretly jealous that Clary gets to feel our baby move every single time. I have my hands on that belly as much as possible but all the times I have felt our daughter moving doesn't come close to the number of times Clary is lucky enough to feel her moving.

I should take the clipboard off of Alec and fill out Clary's paperwork but he seems to have it under control so I just grip his hand tighter so he will look at me so I can silently tell him thank you with my eyes; he winks one of his blue eyes at me and goes back to filling out Clary's insurance forms for me. I probably should call or text Simon but I don't want to hear his sad, panicked voice in my ear right now and I doubt I could manage to type out the right words in a text either. I just roll my head back against the wall and close my eyes and pretend I am at home in me and Clary's warm bed. I pretend that it's early in the morning and I am watching her peacefully sleep. I pretend that I am brushing one of her red curls off of her freckled cheek. I pretend to lightly stroke the soft skin that stretches over her cheek bone with the back of my hand. I am so lost in my pretend world that it takes me a moment to realize that Alec is trying to get my attention.

"Are you sleeping Jace?"

I open my eyes to look at my brother; his blue eyes are soft and full of love and concern as he looks at me.

"No just thinking."

"You didn't maybe call Simon by chance did you?"

"No I don't know what to say to him Alec."

Give me your phone and I can text him. Don't worry I will explain everything to him so you don't have to but I think he would really want to be here for you right now. He loves Clary and I'm pretty sure he loves our sister too."

I pull my phone out and hand it to Alec. I watch him as he scrolls through the letter S under my contact list and he looks at me in confusion.

"I can't find Simon's name in here Jace."

"I have him listed as Bloodsucker; check the B's."

A minute later I watch as Alec's thumbs begin to rapidly fly over the buttons of my phone to send Simon the text that I should be sending him.

_**Me: 217-0226 – Hey Simon this is Alec; I'm texting you from Jace's phone.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Why? Is Jace okay?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Yeah um kind of I guess.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Christ Alec even you text like you talk. What the hell is going on?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Try not to freak out or anything but Clary and Izzy were in a car accident. Izzy has a bad concussion and a broken collarbone but she will be okay.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437- Fuck! What about Clary?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Damn it Alec! Answer me!**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – We don't really know exactly how Clary is; the only thing we do know is that she is in surgery. Maybe you should come to the hospital. I know Izzy would probably want to see you and whether he's willing to admit it or not I think Jace could really benefit from your company right now. You are the one person that loves Clary as much as he does and I think he could use some of your strength right now. Shit I just got your last text sorry for the long text.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Who was driving the car? If it was Jace I am going to kill him.**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Clary was driving. Her and Izzy were out shopping for the baby. Jace was at home with me when it happened.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – What hospital am I going to?**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Lenox Hill.**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Be there in 5.**_

_**Me: 217-0226 – Okay see you soon Simon.**_

Alec hands me my phone back as he tells me that Simon is on his way and he goes back to filling out Clary's forms. A minute later he tells me he is taking the clipboard back up to the nurse's station and he returns with another clipboard in his hand; now he has to fill out all the same shit for his sister. He is quiet for the longest time when I hear him groan in frustration.

"What's wrong Alec?"

"Why do they need to know the date of her last menstrual cycle? How the fuck should I know that kind of shit?"

"What did you put down on Clary's form?" I ask out of curiosity.

"I just wrote the word pregnant down on the line."

For some fucked up reason I find this extremely funny and my laughter is loud in the small waiting room. Alec looks at me like I am crazy and my laughter quickly turns to tears when I realize that I must be losing my mind right now. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I ignore it but Alec nudges me and holds his hand out to me with an expectant look on his face.

"What?"

"Give me your phone; it might be Simon."

I pull my phone out and hand it to him. He reads the text on the screen and gets up out of his chair as he hand me my phone back.

"I'll be right back; they are giving Simon shit because he's not family."

I jump up out of my seat.

"Like hell he isn't family. You stay here Alec in case the doctor comes out and I will go get Simon."

Alec just nods his head and sits back down on the couch as I make my way towards the exit of the ER. I crack the door open to see an angry vampire staring down the asshole security guard. I am almost proud of Simon for his control; if I were a vampire there would be no way I would be able to keep my fangs hidden right now.

"Can you let my fiancés brother come back here please?" I ask the security guard.

"I thought you said you were here for your friend kid?" The guard narrows his eyes at Simon as he crosses his chubby arms over his chest.

"My sister is his friend and my fiancé is his sister; sorry for the misunderstanding." I lie to the guard.

The security guard is pissing me off right now; he seems to be taking his job a little too seriously. Just when I think I might ram him with the steel door of the ER he lets out a loud sigh and steps to the side to let Simon come through the doors. The second the swinging doors close Simon throws his arms around me and hugs me tightly; I surprise myself by holding him just as tightly. We continue to hold on to each other like fucking idiots as he whispers in my ear.

"She's going to be okay Jace; I can feel it in my heart."

"That's not very comforting coming from a vampire. Your heart doesn't beat anymore remember?" I whisper.

Simon gives me a weak smile when I pull away from him; his brown eyes dart to the smear of snot that I left on his shoulder and I quickly look down at the floor to hide my embarrassment.

"Come on lets go back to the waiting room in case the doctor is looking for me."

Simon follows quietly behind me as we make the short trip back towards the waiting room and we all sit down on the small couch together. There is another couch on the other side of the room yet the three of us feel the need to squeeze into this one like sardines in a can. I am comforted by the fact that my body is wedged between Alec and Simon. Feeling even needier; I grab onto both of their hands and squeeze them tightly. Some old man looks at the three of us holding hands like we are some kind of freaks and it takes everything in me to keep from telling him to fuck off. Alec surprises me when it's him who is the one to say something to the old man.

"Why don't you just take a fucking picture you asshole?"

The old man's eyes go wide and he quickly shuffles out of the waiting area. On a normal day I would have found Alec's uncommonly cruel words to be shocking but today is anything but normal.

"I'm looking for Alexander Lightwood." A short nurse with short grey hair announce as she looks at the three of us. Alec jumps out of his seat and follows the nurse around the corner. I look over at Simon and his brown eyes hold mine in an almost trance like state. At first I think he is using his vampire powers on me but I realize he is just trying to tell me that he is here for me and that he is just as scared as I am; I nod my head at him in understanding and go back to staring at the floor while we wait for either Alec to return or for one of the hospital staff members to give us any news on Clary.

As the minutes tick by I find myself getting more and more restless as Simon and I wait for any news. I keep pulling my phone out of my pocket to check the time; only to remember that there is a clock on the wall in front of me. The minute hand is slowly moving each time I glace at the clock but each minute feels like hours or days. The intercom system chimes and some staff member rattles off information almost every other minute as I wait. At first I try to listen to the voices on the intercom but I realize that the doctors or nurses must be speaking in some kind of medical code for the most part and most of what they are say doesn't make any sense to me. I glace over at Simon and he is as still as a statue next to me; if his eyes weren't open I would think he were sleeping. I jump up off the couch and start to pace small circles from my restlessness.

"How can you be so calm?" I practically shout at the Vampire that sits on the couch in front of me.

"I'm far from calm Jace; I just don't feel the need to fidget like you. Please sit down; your pacing is starting to make me dizzy." Simon's voice is low and calming as he speaks to me.

"Stay here; I will be right back."

"Where are you going Jace? Don't do anything stupid; you will end up getting kicked out of here."

"I'm not going to do anything stupid; there is a vending machine on the other side of the nurse's station. I am just going to get a bottle of water. Do you want anything?"

"No, I think I'm good but thanks."

I step away from Simon but before I can reach the nurses station; I realize that I only have large bills in my wallet so I turn around and walk back over to Simon.

"Do you have any change Simon? All I have is twenties."

Simon stands up and digs out two crumpled one dollar bills and hands them to me.

"Thanks; I'll pay you back."

"It's cool Jace."

I go to the vending machine and pay two fucking dollars for a fifteen cent bottle of water and go back to sit with Simon. I end up chugging half the bottle of water before replacing the cap. I want to drink the rest of the bottle but I doubt Simon has any more money and who knows how much longer we will be sitting here waiting. Maybe the doctor will never come out and talk to me. Maybe I will never see Alec again. Maybe they sent Izzy home and Alec just decided to leave me sitting here with the vampire as some kind of fucked up joke. Maybe Clary isn't even in surgery. Maybe Clary is hiding in one of the bathrooms at the mall and she paid some girl that looks just like her to go shopping with Izzy instead. I feel someone practically sitting on top of me and when I turn to my right I see Alec sitting next to me with a worried look on his face.

"Alec! What is it?" My voice strains.

"I've been trying to get your attention for almost five minute but you just stared right through me; like I wasn't even here. Are you okay Jace?"

"I was just thinking."

"Do you need anything? Something to drink maybe?"

I hold my half empty bottle of water up so he can see I don't need something to drink.

"Oh…"

"Where is Izzy?"

"She is just down the hall. Simon is in seeing her now but if you want to see her; I can tell him to come back out."

I glace at the empty spot on the couch and realize that Simon is no longer sitting next to me and then I return my eyes back to my brother as he stares at me with an expectant look on his face.

"I'm sorry; what did you just ask me Alec?"

"Do you want to go in and see Izzy?"

"I do…but I don't want to miss the doctor." I mumble.

Alec takes my hand in his and I feel like I can think a little more clearly now that he is holding onto me. Like his hand somehow keeps me grounded as my body tries to float off into space. Alec's phone buzzes in his pocket and he lets go of my hand to check his message. His thumbs fly over the buttons of his phone in an almost constant steam for a good ten minutes and the small ticking sounds his phone makes from his typing along with the vibration it makes when he gets a response begins to wear on my already fragile nerves.

"Who the fuck are you texting right now?"

Alec's thumbs stop mid-text as he looks over at my face.

"M-Magnus; he is in Albany today and he won't be back in the city until tonight so I was just giving him an update on the girls."

"That's a lot of fucking typing to tell your boyfriend that Izzy is fine and that we know absolutely shit about Clary." I snap.

"Sorry Jace, I can just put my phone away and call him later."

I look into Alec's blue eyes and I feel a pang of guilt in my chest for snapping at him for such a stupid reason. Of course he would want to talk to his boyfriend. Alec has been calm and soothing all day but looking into his dark blue eyes right now; I can see that he is anything but calm. I can see that Alec is only seconds away from falling apart but he is doing his best to stay calm for my sake.

"Fuck…Alec; I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry for snapping at you; go ahead and text Magnus all you want to. I am just so restless and every little thing seems to be wearing on my nerves."

"You don't have to apologize Jace; I know how worried you are right now. I'm worried too and so is Simon and so is Izzy and so is Magnus. We are all worried and we are all on the verge of exploding from all the not knowing but we need to try our best to stay calm until we know anything."

"Where is the damn doctor anyhow? My god we have been here for almost three hours and no one will tell us a damn thing."

"I'm sure they are busy taking care of Clary Jace and I am certain that they will send someone out with an update as soon as they can."

"Maybe I should go to the nurse's station and see if she knows anything; maybe they forgot we are here."

"I think you should just stay where you are Jace; I promise you that they did not forget we are here. If you get up and bother the nurses for information that they don't have then that is time you are taking from them. The nurses and the doctors are very busy people and we don't need to be distracting them with questions that they can't answer."

Before I can respond to Alec; I see Simon walk back into the waiting room and sit down on the couch with Alec and I.

"Is she still crying Simon?" Alec asks.

"No, she is sleeping. They gave her something for her concussion that made her drowsy. I always thought you weren't supposed to go to sleep when you had a concussion but I guess the doctors know better than I do."

"Do they know she's sleeping? Maybe she should be awake!"

"Calm down Alec; they know she is sleeping. The nurse that gave her the medicine told me that Izzy will most likely fall asleep and that I should let her rest. After Iz fell asleep I decide to just come back out here with you two. I don't suppose anyone has been around to tell us anything yet?"

"Nothing." I state.

"Well try to relax if you can Jace; my mom always said that 'no news is good news' in these kind of situations."

"Did she say that when your dad died of a heart attack…fuck…I'm sorry Simon…I don't know why I would even say something so shitty…damn it I am so, so fucking sorry."

"Relax Jace…it's what you do when you are scared…you talk shit and try to piss people off when you are trying to cover up your feelings."

"Yeah but you are my friend and I shouldn't do that to you Simon…who am I kidding…that's what I always do; I hurt the people I care about the most and I need to stop that. Please accept my apology."

"Apology accepted Jace."

"Thank you Simon."

"You're welcome."

"Did Izzy tell you anymore about what happened?"

"No I told her that you and Alec filled me in so she didn't have to talk about it again. Poor thing is so worried. She just kept going on and on about how it was her fault but I managed to calm her down enough to get her to stop crying and then she fell asleep."

"What do you mean she kept going on and on about it being her fault Simon? Alec did she say that to you too?"

Simon and Alec glance at each other and then they both look at me without saying anything; the look on their faces tells me that they don't want to talk to me about this. Finally Alec lets out a small sigh and takes my hand in his; my anxiety spikes when he looks into my eyes.

"Jace please try to relax. Izzy was only talking nonsense in there. The accident wasn't her fault and it wasn't Clary's fault either. That truck came out of nowhere; Clary didn't even see it coming because she was focused on the road. Izzy only meant that she felt like it was her fault because she said that if she wouldn't have forced Clary to go shopping in the first place then they wouldn't have been there to even be in an accident."

I look into Alec's blue eyes for a moment to see that he is telling me the truth and I feel my shoulders relax a little bit now that I know the truth. My stomach flips hard when I realize that the wheels in my head were turning towards dark thoughts when I thought my sister had caused the accident. I was thinking of ways to hurt Izzy for what she had done and I feel terrible for even thinking those ugly thoughts. I want to go to my sister's room and hug her tight and tell her I love her and to tell her that everything is going to be okay. Just as I get up off the couch with those very intentions I hear someone call my name.

"I'm looking for Jace Wayland." A middle aged doctor with glasses too big for his face announces to the three of us.

"I'm Jace Wayland."

"Come with me Jace; there is a more private place that we can talk."

"C-can they come too? He's my brother and Simon is Clary's brother."

"If you would like them to come along that would be fine with me."

I grip onto Alec and Simon's hands as the three of us follow the doctor down a long hall; I feel like I'm on my way to my own execution as we walk. The tone in the doctor's voice was grave and I feel what small bit of hope I was holding onto slowly begin to slip away. By the time we get to a room marked Chaplin; I think Simon and Alec are practically carrying me and they both hang onto me as I sit down in one of the long pews as we await the doctor's news. I notice a man dressed in standard church attire; I am not of any particular religion so I couldn't tell you if he were a priest or maybe a pastor or some other type of holy man. All I do know is the fact that he is in this room with us right now; the news that the doctor has to tell me can't be good news. My head has that same strange detached feeling as it did earlier and the vice like pressure in my skull is enough to make me want to scream at the top of my lungs.


	16. Chapter 16

**Song List For This Next Chapter…**

**Take A Number - Stone Sour**

**Southtown - P.O.D.**

**Tonight The World Dies - Avenged Sevenfold**

**Good Man - Devour The Day**

**Come With Me Now - Kongos**

**Say This Sooner - Almost**

**Angel - Theory Of A Deadman**

**Astronomy - Metallica**

**Can You Feel My Heart - Bring Me The Horizon**

**This Is How I Disappear - My Chemical Romance**

**You - Breaking Benjamin**

**Coming Down - Five Finger Death Punch**

**What A Shame - Shinedown**

The doctor kneels down in front of the three of us and I see the holy man make his way towards our little huddle. I feel the urge to put my hand out and call some sort of chant to pump my team up for the next play on the field like they do in football. I just now realize that this is the end of me; the fucked up thoughts that are going through my head right now are only proof that I have lost my mind completely.

"This is Pastor Tomlin; he will be here to talk with the three of you if you are interested. I apologize for not introducing myself to the three of you first. My name is Dr. Stubben and I have been with Clarissa since she got here."

"Where you the doctor who performed her surgery too?" I ask weakly; I am stalling. I don't want to hear what he has to tell me.

"Yes I was."

"What did she need surgery for?" Simon asks.

"Well…Clarissa sustained several major injuries. Her left lung was collapsed and she had a deep laceration in her spleen. Clarissa sustained a rather large gash in her head; along with countless other lacerations over her entire left side and between that and the laceration in her spleen she has lost quite a bit of blood. We had to give her almost three pints of blood before her heartrate and blood pressure leveled out. I believe that honesty is always the best policy when it comes to giving out information to the family. So to be completely honest with you three; it was pretty touch and go for Clarissa for a while. Now with that being said my team is confident that her surgery went well. Right now she is in recovery and she hasn't come out of anesthesia quite yet; considering the amount of trauma she has gone through most likely she will sleep for a good part of the day. I am confident that she will make a full recovery but her tiny body has been through a lot and she will need time to heal."

The room goes silent after the doctor finishes speaking and the silence hits me hard. The silence is the bad news; the silence is the unspoken questions from the three of us and the unspoken answers from the doctor with glasses too big for his face. Pastor Tomlin (surprisingly I remember his name) places his hand on my knee and I feel all the air in my lungs leave my body and my mouth feels as dry as a dessert as he looks at me with sympathy. I want to shake his hand off of me and I want to grab ahold of the doctor and shake him violently so he will end my suffering by telling me the bad news that I can feel (actually feel) coming my way. Another part of me wants to get up and bolt from the room with my hands over my ears. Like if I don't hear the bad news than it's not true. I open my mouth to speak but I just sit there with my mouth hanging open; I have lost the ability to form words and I don't even remember how my brain is supposed to make my voice speak the question that is floating in my head. Alec's weak voice speaks the question that needs to be answered.

"What about the baby?"

Dr. Stubben takes a short moment to study the three of us sitting in front of him. I can tell he is trying to figure out who we really are to Clary. I have made the claim that Alec is my brother and that Simon is Clary's brother and by the way the doctor is looking at the three of us; I can tell he is having trouble making the connection.

"Jace are you certain that you want these two in the room with you right now?"

I just nod my head as I feel Alec and Simon grip my hands tighter in theirs. The tight grip from them is their way of saying 'we are here for you Jace and we aren't going anywhere'. I weakly squeeze their hands in return so they know that I need them to stay with me.

"I am so sorry to tell you that there was nothing we could do to save the fetus."

"She's a fucking baby; she's my fucking daughter! Don't you dare call her a god damned fetus like that; like she's nothing! She's not nothing; she is everything; everything do you hear me?" Somehow I managed to find my voice only to spit out a line of obscenities in this holy place and in front of pastor Tomlin. Alec lets go of my hand and I can feel his arms around me as he chokes back a sob. Simon has turned into a statue at my side; his cool hand feels dead (I get it he's a vampire; it's normal for his hand to feel that way to me) in my palm.

"My deepest apologies for speaking out of turn with you Jace. Sometimes we doctors get so caught up in medical terminology that we sometimes loose our compassion for the loved ones of our patients."

"She's…gone? My daughter is gone?" My voice is empty.

"I am truly sorry for your loss Jace. Your baby was already gone by the time we got Clarissa into the operating room."

"Where is she? I want to see her."

"Clarissa should be in her room by now but she is most likely…"

"Not Clary; my daughter. I want to see my daughter."

"Jace don't. Please don't ask to see her. Why would you want to see something like that?" Alec's words come out broken from his loud sobbing.

"Because she's my baby girl Alec; because I love her; because I have a right to say goodbye to her."

"If you can wait a few minutes Jace; I can have the nurses make a place for you to see your daughter if that is what you really want." The doctor's words are full of uncertainty.

"That's what I want." My words are clear and surprisingly loud in this small room.

The doctor gets up and exits the room and I rise from the wooden pew to begin pacing the floor as I wait to go see my daughter. Alec and Simon remain sitting and I can feel them looking at me and I can see them looking at each other in silent conversation as they watch me pace the floor. Pastor Tomlin starts to walk towards me but before he can speak to me Alec jumps up and steers the pastor away from me; Alec, Simon and the pastor leave me alone in the room. I continue my slow pacing as I count the green dots that are lined up on the blue carpet; one two three turn, one two three turn, one two three turn. I am so focused on counting those green dots that when I hear the soft voice of a woman call my name I nearly jump.

"Jace if you are ready to see her you can come with me." The nurse has warm brown eyes and shoulder length brown hair with a few highlights to frame her heart shaped face. She is young, maybe twenty-one or so and she is very pretty; I shake my head when I realize that I just thought of her as pretty. Why would I give a shit whether or not some fucking nurse is pretty at a time like this? Maybe I really have lost my mind after all. I silently follow the nurse for what feels like a long time before she stops in front of a door. She slides her ID card through the machine and I can hear the click of the door as it unlocks. The nurse turns the handle and cracks the door open but puts her hand up to stop me before I can go in the room.

"No one will bother you in here Jace so you can take as much time as you need with her." Her voice is soothing and her brown eyes look at me with so much sympathy that I feel the crazy urge to bash her highlighted hair off the door that she is opening for me.

"Thank you." I mumble as I push my way into the room and close the door behind me.

The room is mostly empty but right in the center of the room I see one of the small clear crib type things that you see in most hospitals. I keep my eyes to the floor as I slowly walk towards the crib; my legs feel like they weigh a thousand pounds and it's hard to lift each foot as I get closer and closer to my daughter. My eyes are closed as my fingers grip the side of the clear plastic crib and I have to take a few deep breaths so I don't pass out. When I open my eyes to look at my baby girl a wretched sound makes me jump back from the crib only to realize that the wretched sound came from me. When I look into the crib again my heart feels like it has stopped beating all together in my hollow chest. She is so damn tiny and she looks so beautiful that I think she is sleeping. There isn't a mark on her tiny body and her little head has a sweet pink hat with a dark pink bow on the front of it. I glance at the card at the end of her crib; it reads:

**Name: Baby Girl ****Fairchild ****Wayland**

**D O B: 06/10/2014 **

**T O B****: 3:07pm DECEASED **

**Weight: 2 LBS 9OZ**

**Length: 14 ½ inches.**

**Mother: Clarissa Fairchild**

**FATHER: Jace Wayland**

My daughter is so small that she looks like a tiny sleeping doll. I guess I expected her to look less developed for being only a few days shy of twenty-nine weeks but she looks perfect. I glance over my shoulder to see if anyone is around even though I know I am alone in the room. Not seeing anyone I lift my baby girl into my hands; feeling how light she is and seeing that she isn't any bigger than the size of my hand is enough to make me choke back a sob as I look at her tiny body. I must be broken because surly looking at my dead daughter in my hand should be enough to make tears pour out of my eyes. There are no tears; in fact I don't even feel like they are even in there to come ever again.

I spot a chair on the other side of the room and carry the baby over in my palm and sit down; pulling her to my face where I run my cheek lightly against hers for a moment before I kiss her tiny nose. I can't be certain but from what I can see she has Clary's nose and Clary's full lips. Her eyebrows are the same shape as mine and her long fingers look like miniature versions of my own. Her skin is so soft and she smells wonderful as I press my face against her tiny belly. She is so tiny that when I try to cradle her in my arms I feel like she will slip through my arms so I hold her against the crook of my neck and talk to her. If there is any kind of god or any kind of after-life; then right now I am praying that somehow this tiny Angel can hear my words.

"Hello my little Angel; I'm your daddy. Do you have any idea how much me and mommy love you? I am so sorry that you will never get to grow up; I am so sorry that you will never live on this earth. I was so excited for you to be born. I couldn't wait until your first smile; your first little giggle. I was planning on teaching you to say daddy as your first word just so we could make your mommy jealous of our bond. You were going to be my little princess; we were going to be thick as thieves you and I. You were going to be daddy's little helper…you see because your mommy is…well mommy can be quite messy but that's okay because you and I were going to team up and keep her messes cleaned up. Baby girl…I used to pretend to be sleeping when your mommy would rub you in her belly and talk to you late at night. Mommy would tell you how she couldn't wait for you to come out to meet us. Mommy would tell you that she hoped you had daddy's eyes and the perfect mix of my blond hair and her red hair. Mommy wanted you to have beautiful strawberry blond hair with soft curls. Mommy would tell you how she hoped you were artistic like she is and sweet like I am…mommy thinks I am sweet but I think mommy is sweeter than me. It's too bad you will never be able to take my side on that argument. I could picture you and I saying 'no way momma you're the sweetest'. I could picture you and I bringing home mommy special little prizes from time to time so she knows just how much we love her. Aunt Izzy was going to teach you all about fashion and Uncle Magnus and Uncle Alec were going to take you to see musicals. Daddy was going to teach you how to dance. Mommy was going to teach you how to be a strong woman like she is and we were both going to teach you how to be a better shadowhunter than the two of us combined…Oh and Aunt Emma wanted to teach you how to surf. Don't get me started on your Uncle Simon; if you think daddy would be protective of you then you would be surprised just how much Uncle Simon would want to protect you as well. Uncle Simon is mommy's best friend and mommy loves him very much; daddy loves him too. You would have loved Simon baby girl…he would have taught you how to read comic books and he would have made mommy and daddy angry for giving you your first cup of coffee to soon. I'm so sorry I will never be able to hold you while you cry over your first crush. I am so sorry I will never be able to teach you how to read or how to write your name. I am so sorry I will never get the chance to show you that I could be such a good daddy to you baby girl. When mommy told me you were in her belly I was so scared at first but after the shock wore off…I wanted you so bad…I still do…but I can't have you…I'll never know what it will feel like to have you hold my hand. I knew how much I wanted you but now that your gone I would do anything to have you back…I never knew I could be so in love with someone I never even laid eyes on. My sweet little girl; I love you so much. "

The quiet room I am sitting in while I hold her cold little body close to my heart is beginning to feel suffocating. I glance at the clock on the wall to see that it is almost eight o'clock; I wonder how long I have been in here? I think I remember seeing that it was close to six just before the doctor came out into the waiting room to talk to me. I don't think we were in the Chaplin for very long so that must mean that I have been holding my dead daughter for almost two hours. Alec and Simon must be worried about me and I wonder if Clary is awake yet? Does Clary know that our baby girl is no longer in her belly?

After I place my daughter back in her crib and cover her up so she won't feel cold I lean down and give her one last kiss on her sweet little cheek.

"Goodbye my sweet Angel. Where ever you are; always know how much mommy and daddy wanted you to be here with us. Always know just how much you are loved baby girl."

As soon as I shut the door as I step out into the hall my body falls to the floor; every part of me feels numb as I slide to the waxed tiles of the hospital. The sounds that are escaping from my chest begin to draw the attention of a nurse that is walking down the hall. My loud sobs and painful choking sounds are so hard to control that I feel like I can't get any air into my lungs as endless tears finally spill over my skin. I make no attempt to wipe the moister from my face or to muffle my painful cries as I see Alec approach me. Alec sets down on the floor beside me and I fall against his chest so he will hold me. Alec rubs my back and holds me as I continue to cry over the loss of my little girl. I lose track of time as I cry on Alec's shirt but after a while I feel the need to speak; my voice sounds like gravel.

"Where did Simon go?"

"He's still here; he is in with Clary. I didn't want her to be alone when she woke up."

"Is she awake?" My gravelly voice is full of panic.

"She was still sleeping when I left to come find you. You were in there for a long time Jace. Were you able to say goodbye to her?"

"Y-yes…I didn't want to but I did. Alec she is so beautiful and she smells so good. See all the bigger my hand is? That's how tiny she is; she isn't even three whole pounds. She has the cutest little pink hat on and she looks like a sleeping Angel…Alec…I love her so much…why…why can't I have her…what did I do so wrong in life that I have to be punished like this…why won't I ever be able to see her grow up?"

"Don't talk like that Jace. You didn't do anything wrong in life. I know how this must feel like some kind of horrible punishment but the truth is…what happened was a tragic accident."

"I think my heart is broken Alec."

"Mine too Jace; mine too."

"How am I going to tell Clary?"

"Telling her will be painful but only you will be able to comfort her the way she will need you to. Why don't we take a walk and see if she is awake yet?"

"I'm scared to see her."

"She has a lot of bandages on her and she has tubes sticking out of her arms and there are machines that make all kind of weird noise in there. But underneath all of that is your Clary."

"O-okay…will you go in with me?"

"Of course I will and Simon will be there too."

"M-my…my sister? Where is she?"

"She is still sleeping; the doctors said she will probably sleep until morning."

Alec stops in front of a door and I just now realized that we are no longer sitting on the floor outside of the room I spent the last two hours in. Somehow I managed to walk on my own two feet the whole way to the other side of the hospital to the ICU unit to see Clary. As soon as I step into the room I can see Simon setting in a chair next to her bed and the sounds the machines are making seem too damn loud to my ears. Stepping into the room further all I can focus my eyes on is Clary's flat stomach. Her stomach is no longer round and it no longer holds our sweet little baby inside. I slowly remove my eyes from her middle and begin to look at the rest of her body; when I finally reach her face I double over and begin to dry heave with a terrible wave of nausea.

Dear god! That's not her; that can't be my beautiful green eyed girl lying in that bed. Her pale face is almost completely purple and her red hair looks dull from the terrible job they did trying to wash the blood out of it. Simon brought me the trash can and placed it in front of me just in case there might be anything in my stomach to throw up but all that comes out of me is dry heaves. After a few minutes I manage to control my gagging and allow Alec and Simon to help me up off the floor and they help me over to the chair where I sit down. I lean forward and take Clary's hand in mine and kiss her palm as I press it against my cheek. I hope she knows that it's me holding her hand. Not wanting to risk her not knowing I am here; I stand up and whisper in her ear. The smell of blood in her hair is enough to make me feel sick all over again.

"I'm here Clary; I'm not going anywhere sweetheart. Sleep as long as you want but I just want you to know I will be here when you wake up."

I pull back to look at her almost unrecognizable face to see if she has any reaction to my words; when she doesn't I sit back down and rest my head on the side of her bed. I keep her hand pressed against my cheek as I close my eyes. All I see when I close my eyes is my baby girl in my hand; I feel the smallest smile on my face as I think about that sweet little Angel.

I must have fallen asleep because I can feel someone running their fingers through my hair; I lift my head to see that it is my sister smiling down at me while Clary continues to sleep. I stand up and every muscle in my body feels tight; I feel like I just ran twenty miles. Izzy presses her hand against my chest as she rests her dark hair on my shoulder; carefully I wrap my arms around her and give her a gentle hug so I don't hurt her injuries. When she steps back her dark eyes are glassy and the grimace on her face when she glances at Clary's broken body lying on the bed makes my chest ache.

"Alec told me about the baby; I am so sorry Jace."

"Shh…I don't know how much she can hear and I want to be the one to tell her. Where is Alec?"

"He went with Simon; Simon needed to get something from his apartment."

The something that Simon must need to get has to be blood considering that he has been here at the hospital with us all day and most of the night. When I glance out of the small window in Clary's room I can see that the sun is starting to come up; it must be a little after six in the morning. No wonder my muscles hurt; I must have slept in that chair for close to seven hours.

"How are you feeling Iz?"

"Terrible; I'm glad they are working on my discharge papers. I can't wait to go home and use my stele and take a hot shower."

"I wish I could get away with taking Clary out of here; I know she would heal so much faster if I could use my stele on her. I have mine with me and I'm half tempted to just use it on her anyhow."

"Jace you can't do that. If the doctors come in here and find her injuries healing at that rate of speed they will lock her up as some kind of miracle patient; you will just have to wait until they let her go home."

"I have a feeling she will be in here a while."

"She doesn't even really look like Clary with all those bruises and bandages does she?"

"She looks so much smaller in that bed with all those tubes coming out of her." I mumble as I take Clary's hand in mine.

Izzy comes and stands beside me and holds my other hand as the two of us look down at Clary. Suddenly one of the machines starts beeping loudly and before either one of us can react; two nurses come rushing in. One of the nurses gives me an apologetic smile as she pushes me out of the way to check on Clary. The other nurse hurries to the phone hanging on the wall and presses a button before her soft yet clear voice speaks into the receiver.

"Yes this is Nurse Adams; I need Dr. Stubben in room 219 immediately."

Nurse Adams darts her light colored(I think they might actually be green) eyes in my direction as she waits for a response from whoever she is speaking to.

"Dr. Liptak will be fine but get a page out to Dr. Stubben also; he wants to be up to date on Miss Fairchild's status at all times."

Nurse Adams hangs up the phone and returns to Clary's side; thankfully she presses several buttons on the beeping machine and it goes silent.

"What's wrong? Is she going to be okay?" I ask weakly.

Nurse Adams finally looks me straight in the eye and I can now see that her eyes are in fact green. Her green eyes are a very light green though; Clary has almost Emerald green eyes.

"I would prefer to wait for Dr. Liptak to take a look at Clary's vitals before I say anything. You are her fiancé right?"

"Y-yes, my name is Jace and this is my sister Isabelle."

Nurse Adams light green eyes glance at Izzy for a moment before she looks at me again; there is a look of pity in her eyes when she look at me again that wasn't there before. She must know about the baby because she places her hand on my arm as she speaks to me.

"My deepest condolences Jace."

I don't know what to say to her so I just nod my head; her small smile tells me she understands my loss for words. The door to Clary's room opens and in walks a tall thin doctor with dark hair and a dark complexion; this must be Dr. Liptak. I watch him as he reads numbers that I don't understand off the many machines that are hooked up to Clary. He rattles off words to the other nurse who's name I don't know and she quickly leaves the room only to return shortly. Izzy and I stand back and watch quietly as the unknown nurse hands Nurse Adams a syringe that she injects into one of the tubes that stick out of Clary's arm. Both the nurses leave the room before Dr. Liptak turns his attention towards Izzy and I.

"You must be Jace and this must be Isabelle right?"

"Yes sir."

"I didn't know you were being discharged yet Miss. Lightwood."

"I'm waiting for them to finish my paperwork."

"Well maybe you should go check with the nurse's station to see if they are finished. Nurse Pash will be happy to help you with them; just ask for her when you go to the station."

"What's wrong with Clary? What was that stuff you gave her?" Izzy has her protective voice as she narrows her dark eyes at the doctor. Dr. Liptak glances at me quickly; the quick look tells me that we need to not upset Izzy any more than we need to. I place my arm around my sister and push her towards the door.

"Go and check on your paperwork Izzy; I can fill you in when you get back."

Izzy looks at me for a short moment; she looks like she wants to protest but then she just leaves the room without a word. After I close the door I turn back towards the doctor.

"Okay, she's gone now so please tell me what's going on with Clary."

"Well Jace, the swelling in Clarissa's brain hasn't gone down like we would have liked it to by now. Please try not to over react to my words. The medicine that Nurse Adams gave to her will keep her sleeping longer; the longer she can sleep the less stress she will have. She needs to rest while her body tries to heal. There is only so much us doctors can do for her; the rest is up to her."

"I like how you talk to me. You don't talk to me like I'm stupid but then you also don't talk to me in words I don't understand."

"I have always made it a point to speak to patients and their loved ones on simple terms. To be honest with you I think some of the doctors like to use all those big fancy words just to show off. Do you have any questions for me?"

"When will she wake up?"

"Clarissa is Dr. Stubbens patient so he will be able to answer that question better than me. Now if you are asking my honest opinion then I think it would be a good idea to keep Clarissa in an induced coma for at least three days to get the swelling to go down in her brain."

"That's what Nurse Adams gave her then; she gave her the medicine to keep her in a coma?"

"That's correct. Dr. Stubben can decide whether or not to keep giving her the medicine or not."

"I hope he does. I think you might be right about keeping her sleeping for a while."

"I appreciate your vote of confidence in me Jace but please understand that Dr. Stubben is an excellent doctor. He is one of the best here so if he comes in and decides to take a different route with Clarissa; please know that he would only do what he thinks will be best for her."

"Thank you Dr. Liptak."

"You're welcome Jace. Why don't you go home and get some food and a hot shower; maybe even a decent nap? She will be sleeping for a while so you won't miss anything I promise."

"I don't really want to leave her."

"She will never know you're gone; I assure you. Why don't you take your sister home and help her get settled?"

"Our brother Alec will be back soon so he can take Izzy home."

"Listen Jace; you seem like a good kid so I will try to explain this in a straight forward manor. Clarissa will be sleeping for at least the rest of the day if not for the next several days and if you spend every second of that time sitting in this room it will drive you insane. Go home Jace; get a little R and R for yourself kid. Clarissa will need you to be one hundred percent when she wakes up; she is going to need you to be strong for her. The loss you two have suffered is tremendous and it's your job to be strong for her."

"Who will be strong for me?" My voice breaks and my own question.

"Keep your siblings close; they can provide you with the strength you need. Now please take my advice and get out of here for a little while."

"Yes sir and thank you."

Dr. Liptak pulls out a card from his pocket and hands it to me.

"You take this Jace and give her a call when you're ready. I think Alva will be able to help you though some of the harder days that are coming your way."

"Who is Alva and what do you mean help me through the harder days."

"Alva is a psychiatrist; she specializes in grief counselling."

I understand what Dr. Liptak is trying to tell me but I don't want to talk about the hard days to come just yet; I simply nod my head at him as I shove the card into my pocket. Dr. Liptak leaves the room and I kiss Clary's hand and tell her I will be back later before I go and find Izzy. I find Izzy setting in a chair beside a young male that might be one of the nurses. He is asking her questions and writing down the answers that Izzy gives him. Izzy; being true to herself; uses her wounded state to take advantage of this young man so she doesn't have to fill out her own paperwork. Seeing this almost makes me chuckle but at the same time I want to go over and scold my sister for flirting with him. She shouldn't be flirting with him right now for two reasons: one being her and Clary were just in a horrible car accident and two being she still has Simon on a string. The truth of it all is I know that Izzy's attempt to flirt with this young man is only her way of distracting her mind; that's the only reason why I simply just stand off to the side and wait for the two of them to finish. I pull my phone out and find Alec in my contacts before pushing the call button.

"_Good morning Jace."_

"Where are you?"

"_On my way towards Simons place; he needed blood and I went home and took a quick shower. We will be back at the hospital in about twenty minutes."_

"No don't come back here Alec. I am going to take Izzy home and get her settled in and after I get a shower I will meet you at Simons."

"_Um…I want to ask why but I won't."_

"Thank you Alec; see you in about an hour then."

"_Sounds good brother; see you soon."_

"I love you Alec."

"_Love you too Jace."_

I shove my phone back in my pocket and make a mental note to plug it in when I get home to charge the almost dead battery. Izzy's dark eyes are looking at me when I glace up.

"Did I hear you tell Alec that you are meeting him at Simons?"

"Yeah after I get my shower."

"Good; I can be ready if you will help me with my injuries?"

"I will help you but you won't be going with me."

"What? Why not?"

"You need to go home and rest Izzy. There is only so much a stele can do for you; you have a concussion and you need to rest."

"I want to be with you Jace."

"Please don't pout like that Iz; besides I am going to see if Magnus will come to the institute and stay with you while Alec and I are gone. Maybe Magnus can work some of his warlock magic on you."

"Well as long as I will be with someone; I don't want to be alone right now Jace."

"I understand; don't worry Magnus will come. Let's get you home now okay."

When Izzy and I get back to the institute I walk her to her room so she can get a shower. I get to my own room and pull my phone out to call Magnus; hoping he will answer my call and hoping he will do what I ask him too. Magnus likes to give me a hard time; he tells me that just because he is dating my parabitai doesn't mean he will be at my beckon call all the time. I think the fact that Alec and I are so close is part of the reason why Magnus refuses most of my request; so here goes nothing.

"_Jace, sweetie, how are you this morning?"_

"Um…hello Magnus…I…shit…the way you answered the phone has me thrown off."

"_Thrown off? Why?"_

"Well because you usually aren't that nice to me when you answer your phone; hell half the time you won't even take my calls."

"_I do have a heart you know. I know when I can get away with giving you a hard time and I know when not too. Now is not the time to be cruel to you like I usually am. Do you just want to talk or did you need a favor?"_

"I do have a favor actually; I was wondering if you would be willing to come to the institute to sit with Izzy while I go see Simon and Alec. She doesn't want to be alone right now."

"_I would be happy to sit with Isabelle but I know her and I know that she would rather be with her brothers right now."_

"That's true but I don't want her to go where we are going Magnus."

"_Where exactly are you going?"_

"I need to see it Magnus; I don't really know why but I know I just need to see it. Taking Izzy will only upset her more."

"_Okay. I'll be there in ten minutes Jace."_

"Thank you so much Magnus; this really means a lot to me."

"_It's no problem Jace. Can I ask how sleeping beauty is today?"_

"They gave her medicine to keep her in a coma. The doctor said her brain is still swelled and the coma is her best chance right now; that's really all I can tell you."

"_She's a fiery little thing; I just know she will be okay Jace."_

"I hope you're right Magnus; I can't lose her too."

"_You won't. Look I am walking there now and I need to make a quick phone call before I get there so I will talk to you later Jace."_

"Sure thing Magnus and thanks again."

Magnus hangs up and I plug my phone in to the charger before I jump in the shower. After I get dressed I head down the hall to let Izzy know that I am leaving. When I reach her room I can hear Magnus talking to her in a soft voice. I poke my head into Izzy's bedroom to find her and Magnus lying on the bed and Izzy is cuddled up to Magnus's long body as he strokes her dark hair.

"Hey." I whisper.

"Hi." Izzy sniffs.

"You should wear white t-shirts more often Jace; you look good in them." Magnus says with a grin.

"You two good here then?"

Izzy buries her face into Magnus's chest and he just nods his glitter spiked head at me. I decide to just leave my phone on the charger until I get back because I want to have a full battery when I return to the hospital later. As I walk down the street towards Simon's apartment I keep thinking that I should call Emma and tell her what happened but I just can't bring myself to call her just yet. I knock on Simon's door and wait for him to answer; after almost a full minute the door finally swings open and Simon looks like he just woke up.

"Were you sleeping? Where's Alec?"

"Yeah sorry Jace; guess I dozed off for a minute. Alec is sleeping in my room; he told me to wake him up when you got here."

"Well I'm here now so could you please go wake him up; I'd like to get going."

"Get going? Where are you going?"

"I need to go see the car; I talked to the cops this morning and they told me where it is."

"Jace I don't know if that's a good idea."

"You're probably right but I am still going and I would like for you and Alec to go with me. I really need the two of you there; I don't know if I can do this alone Simon."

"Of course I'll go with you Jace and I am sure Alec will too; let me go wake him up."

I wait by the door to Simon's apartment while he goes to wake up Alec. A few minutes later Simon returns with Alec by his side; Alec looks tired as he attempts to tame down his messy hair.

"What was Simon telling me about the three of us going to see some car?"

"Not just some car Alec; my car; the one Clary was almost killed in; the one my daughter was killed in."

"Shit…I don't think we should go Jace."

"I'm going and Simon already said he would go with me; you can stay here and sleep for all I care."

"Bullshit! You care and you know it Jace. Stop acting like I don't give a shit about you. I'll go with you; you know I will; I was only saying that I didn't think it was a good idea."

"Well since everyone is willing to go then let's go." I mutter to the two of them as my eyes try to tell Alec that I am sorry for snapping at him. I should tell him how sorry I really am out loud but I'm afraid if I don't watch what kind of feelings I allow to float to the surface then I will be a bawling mess. It's not that I refuse to cry; it's just that I know that once Clary wakes up the tears will come back full force. The three of us walk in silence to the subway and the silence continues as the underground train takes us to the northern part of the city towards Joe's Salvage and Impound lot.

A bell chimes when I open the glass door to the Impound lot and a short round man with soft eyes looks up from a desk as he chomps away at a donut.

"You kids' caught me having a little snack. The name's Joe what can I do for you today?"

"Hello Joe it's nice to meet you. My name is Jace Wayland; you have my car here and I was wondering if I could take a look at it."

"What kind of car is it?"

"Um…a 1970 Buick GSX; it's white with black stripes."

"Ahh yes I know the car; looks like it was in mint condition before. Did you do all that work yourself or did you buy it that way?"

"No I did the work myself; I had a little help from my brother and my sister but most of it was done by me."

"Such a shame that it was wrecked; but you look like you came out of it okay."

"My fiancé was the one who was in it when an ice truck t-boned her; my sister was in the car too."

"Oh…I'm sorry. Are they okay?"

"My sister is home resting now. Clary…that's my fiancé; she is in pretty bad shape…she lost our…we lost…" That's it; I can't hold my tears in anymore as I try to explain my dead daughter to this stranger. I catch Alec whisper something into Simon's ear and then Simon grabs ahold of me and takes me outside while Alec remains inside with Joe.

Simon stands beside me with his hand on my shoulder as I attempt to control my tears; his respectful silence is nearly enough to keep the endless tears streaming down my face. After a few minutes Alec comes outside to join us; he stands in front of me and I look up the two inches that he has over me to look into his blue eyes.

"Um…well he told me where to go if you want to see the car. He said you are welcome to take anything out of it that you might want. Jace we don't have to do this; we can just go home if this is too much for you."

"Too much for me? Of course this is too much for me Alec but I feel like it's something I need to do. I'm sure I am making a huge mistake by looking at that car but I just have to. Show me where it is please."

"Okay follow me then."

Simon follows me and I follow Alec through the maze of wrecked cars all the way to the back of the lot; I can see the back passenger side of my car and instantly my heart begins to beat rapidly. With a few more steps I can now see the entire passenger side of the car and from this side the damage doesn't look so bad. I come to a stop near the back of the car and turn to look at Alec and Simon; they are standing back from the car.

"You two don't have to come and look but please stay close okay."

"We'll be right here if you need us Jace." Alec says.

"Thank you."

Slowly I make my way to the driver's side of the car; I nearly puke when I see the driver's side door smashed in to almost the center of the car. The impact from the ice truck must have sliced through Clary's seatbelt; she might not be alive if that wouldn't have happened. I don't know why I expected to see the leather seats covered in blood but looking closer I can't see any; all as I see is chunks of glass everywhere. I grab Izzy and Clary's purses off the passenger side of the car and glance in the back for anything and find it empty with the exception of a paper coffee cup and an empty donut bag. I walk over and hand Alec the girl's purses and look at Simon for a moment before asking:

"Can you help me open the truck Simon?"

"Sure Jace; just let me do it though."

I stand back and watch his Vampire strength open the jammed closed trunk as though it's the foil on a yogurt container. The sound that Simon makes when he gets the trunk open tells me that it's full of bags and bags of clothes for a baby that will never wear them. I step forward and grab the first bag that is closest to my hand and dump it upside down into the trunk; all I see is pinks and purples and few white things. A little pink dress with ruffles on the bottom. A purple onsie that says 'daddy's girl'. A white dress with adorable yellow butterflies on it. So many tiny things for our daughter; so many things Clary and I will never get to see our baby girl dressed in. As much as seeing the onsie that says daddy's girl on it chokes me up; seeing a pair of pale pink socks is what does me in. I shove the socks into my pocket and dump a few more of the bags to see what else is in there. I find a pair of white shoes with pink lace at the top and shove them into my pocket as well.

I pick up another bag and drop it back into the truck as an overwhelming amount of rage begins to consume me completely. I begin to kick and punch the side of my car as a string of words come flying out of my mouth. My pointless assault on the wrecked car goes on until my body is covered in sweat and my hands are bloody and aching with pain before I finally stop. After taking a few minutes to regain control over my raged breathing and after I wipe my bloody hands off on my jeans I turn back to the contents of the truck to continue my search.

Simon has been standing silently beside me and Alec has made his way to stand at my other side. Thankfully neither one of them made the attempt to stop me from my outburst or tried to talk to me about it. I continue to dig through the seemingly endless baby items. I see Alec lift up one of the bags and out of nowhere I find myself slapping his hand.

"Don't touch that!" I groan.

"I was only helping you look."

"Look for what Alec?"

"I-I don't know but then again neither do you. Obviously you are searching for something in all these bags but I don't think you even know what that something is."

"Alec…I just…I wanted to…I thought I could find something in here that I will know that Clary picked out…Izzy is written all over most of this stuff and I am trying to find something that Clary bought."

"What about this Jace?"

I look over to see Simon holding a small green frog with a purple bow on top of its head. Instantly I know that Clary picked out the frog; she was always saying that our baby likes to use her bladder as a trampoline and I made a joke about our daughter being a frog instead of a baby. It was a funny joke and we both laughed about it; Clary nearly peed herself from laughing. I take the frog from Simon and pull him in for a hug; partway through the hug I feel Alec hug me from behind. I am proud of myself for not crying again as they hold me. Alec keeps whispering the same things in my ear over and over again.

"I'm so sorry…I love you so much Jace…we all loved her…"

After a few more minutes of the hugging and the whispered words I manage to control myself and pull away from their embrace.

"What should I do with all of this stuff?"

"Maybe return it to the store or something."

"Alec, that's a shitty idea. Do you really think Jace would want to take all this stuff back to the store? Don't you think every cashier will want to know why he's retuning all this stuff?"

"Simon's right Alec that is a pretty shitty idea. Should I just leave it all here then?"

"I think it might be good if you donate all this stuff Jace. I'm sure the homeless shelter would be happy to have all of this baby stuff. Plus it would make you feel like it wasn't wasted or something; might give some kind of peace in a way."

I take a moment to look at Simon as I soak in what he just said; I realize that he's right. I would feel better knowing that all these things bought for my daughter won't go to waste if I donate the items and I think he's right about it giving me some peace. After I nod my head at Simon the three of us take the time to neatly fold everything back up and put it all in the many bags that are in the trunk. I allow Alec to fix my mangled hands with his stele and after taking a few more minutes to look at the crumpled mess that used to be my car; the three of us exit the impound lot with bags in our hands.

The subway ride back into the city is quite and somewhat awkward because people keep looking at the three of us with all these bags of baby girl clothes; not to mention that I'm holding a stuffed frog in my hand. I almost chuckle at the thought of maybe some of the people thinking that Alec and I are some kind of couple that are adopting some unwanted baby. Unwanted? How could anyone not want a child? I might have been scared shitless to be a father but that doesn't mean I didn't want to be one. Maybe I shouldn't be so judgmental; I'm sure people have their reasons for putting their babies up for adoption. Abortion is probably something I will never really be able to understand; I mean I think woman have the right to decide what they want to do with their bodies but the whole idea of abortion just gives me an uneasy feeling. Looking at Alec as he plays with a loose string on his sweater makes me think of a question that I have been meaning to ask him for months now.

"Can I ask you something Alec?"

"Sure Jace."

"Do you think you and Magnus will ever…have…I mean do you think you two might adopt some day?"

"I…hell I don't know Jace; it's not something we have ever even discussed. Why are you asking me that?"

"I don't know…you two seemed excited for…"

"Baby Wayland?"

"Yes, baby Wayland…you two seemed excited for her to come."

"Of course we were. We both love you and Clary so it's only natural for us to love baby Wayland too."

"Magnus might love Clary but he can barely tolerate me."

"That's not true. Magnus just likes to give you a hard time. Maybe he had trouble tolerating you before you started dating Clary but he has really grown to be quite fond of you. Every time I talk to him he always asks me about you first; he is really worried about you right now."

"Tell him to join the club."

"We can call it the nail-bitters club. First rule of our club is no girls allowed; men must unite!" Simon attempts to make a joke to lighten the mood. I give him a sad attempt of a smile to thank him.

"What did you mean by that Alec?"

"What did I mean by what?"

"When you said Magnus had trouble tolerating me before Clary. Why the change of heart?"

"Magnus thought you depended on me too much and he thought you were dangerous for me. He always said you never had a care in the world before Clary."

"I guess I can't even be angry with him for shit-talking because he's mostly right. I never did have any disregard for danger before Clary. I guess I owe you an apology for that."

"No you don't Jace. I knew how you were when I agreed to be your parabitai. I think the reason why Magnus felt like you depended on me too much was because I always felt like I was doing double duty. Half of my concentration was always on fighting demons and the other half was concentrating on making sure you didn't get yourself or both of us killed. I don't feel that way anymore; now I feel like we just watch each other's backs like we're supposed to."

"To be fair I only almost got you killed like two or three times."

"Yeah well two or three times is two or three times too many if you ask me."

"Good thing I didn't ask you."

Alec and I both laugh and hearing myself laugh and feeling my chest shake from something other than tears after the last day and a half actually feels nice. Being able to laugh at something that I actually should laugh at makes me think that someday in the future the pain in my stomach might go away. After we drop off the bags of baby clothes the three of us decide to walk the twelve blocks back to the hospital. Alec keeps yawning and he has dark circles under his eyes. Since we are close to Magnus's apartment I decide to suggest he goes there for a few hours to get some sleep.

"Alec why don't you go to Magnus's for a while? You look like you could use a few hours of sleep."

"I'm okay."

"No you're not; you keep yawning and you have bags under your eyes. Go get some sleep please. From what the doctor told me; it might be a few days before Clary wakes up anyhow."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure. Simon, you can go home as well if you want to."

"I'm good Jace, I slept most of the night in the other chair in Clary's room. Alec spent most of the night texting Magnus and Emma so he should go get some sleep."

At the mention of Emma's name I stop walking and look at Alec; his blue eyes look scared.

"You talked to Emma?"

"I-I thought you would want her to know what is going on. I guess I figured you just didn't know what to say to her."

"Thank you Alec."

The scared look in his eyes disappears and is replaced by relief.

"She said call her whenever you want to talk. She said she wouldn't bother you and that she would just wait to hear from you first. She said to give you her love and to give Clary her love too."

"I'll call her soon but I think I might need a few days to get a grip on all of this. The last thing I want to do right now is fall apart over the phone with Emma; she already has enough on her plate with Sandra. I don't suppose she mentioned how Sandra is doing did she?"

"She did actually; Emma said Sandra has been sleeping quite a bit lately and she is really weak."

"Fuck…what a shit storm this all is."

"I'm sorry Jace…"

"Alec I don't want to bring out Asshole Jace right now but could you please stop saying you are sorry. None of this is your fault and there isn't anything you can do to change the situation so just stop apologizing already."

"I'm sss…shit I almost said it again. I just don't know what to say to you."

"You don't have to say anything. I know how bad you feel and I know you are here for me; that's all that matters. Now go get some sleep because I will need your company later."

"I'll just sleep for a couple of hours and grab a quick shower when I get up; I should be back at the hospital by six or so."

"Alec it's already after three; sleep, get a shower, get some food in you."

"When's the last time you ate anything?" Simon asks.

I watch Alec disappear around the corner and just stare at the empty sidewalk for a moment; Simon grabs my arm and steers me further down the sidewalk towards a small diner. I don't even bother trying to protest as he shoves me into one of the booths. I stare at the open menu in front of me without even reading the words and when an old woman comes to the table to ask us what we want I stare at her like she just spoke to me in a language I don't understand. Simon clears his throat before speaking.

"What kind of soup do you have today?"

"We have chicken and rice and chili."

"He'll take a bowl of the chicken and rice with a grilled cheese sandwich and we will both have coffee. I want cream and sugar; lots of sugar in mine; he'll take his black."

"You don't want anything to eat?"

"No thank you ma'am; I had a big breakfast." Simon grins at the old woman and she returns his smile before leaving the two of us alone.

"I don't think I can really eat anything Simon."

"You're going to at least try to. I think you can handle a couple bites of a cheese sandwich."

"I'd rather have ice cream."

"Seriously? Would you actually eat ice cream right now?"

"Maybe, maybe not but ice cream seems more reasonable right now than soup."

I watch Simon get up to go tell the waitress that I am changing my order to ice cream. The old woman grimaces and shakes her head as she follows Simon back to our table with a pot of coffee in her hand.

"Do you still want coffee then young man?"

"Yes please." I say as I turn my cup over so she can pour coffee into it.

"Black coffee and ice cream; such a strange combination." She jokes as she fills our coffee cups.

"Too bad you don't have coffee ice cream; I could kill two birds with one stone."

"No, no coffee ice cream here young man. All we have is vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. So which would you like?"

"Can I have a little of all three maybe?"

"It's your money kid. We charge two bucks a scoop."

"That's fine. I will have a scoop of each then ma'am."

"Ida, my name is Ida."

"Nice to meet you Ida, I'm Jace and this is my friend Simon."

"It's nice to see some young people in here; we mostly get old farts and snooty business people in here."

I can't help but chuckle when this seemingly sweet old woman says old farts. Ida has a very inviting look to her; like you could talk to her all day about anything or nothing and she would be happy to hear it all. She looks like she has wisdom in her grey eyes; wisdom that only comes from years and years of living on this shitty earth and in this even shittier city. When she returns a few minutes later with my ice cream I smile at her as I take a bite. She returns my smile and tops off our coffee before leaving again. Simon is quite as he watches me eat my ice cream; surprisingly I manage to eat all of it in a couple of minutes and for a minute I consider asking for more.

"I wouldn't push yourself too far Jace. You eat anymore ice cream and you will make yourself sick."

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"I was thinking about getting more ice cream and you somehow knew that."

"Don't look at me like I'm some kind of psychic; I can read your face. I saw you look at the empty bowl and then over to the counter where Ida got the ice cream from; it's not hard to put two and two together."

"Well I guess it's a good thing you can't read my thoughts; then you would know that I secretly have a crush on you."

"Look Jace, I'm glad you still have a sense of humor and all but you will have to keep yourself in check whenever Clary wakes up. I doubt she will be in the mood for your jokes."

"I think I might be losing my mind Simon." I admit.

"It's understandable considering the situation."

"How are you? You seem…I don't know…quiet maybe?"

"Still hasn't really set in for me I think. When she wakes up; I think I'll be different. I want to do my best to be strong for her; I think she will need all the strength she can get."

"Do you think she will want to see our daughter when she wakes up?"

"I have no idea. Do you think that would be a good idea?"

"Doesn't matter what I think. It will be up to Clary really."

"Do you regret seeing her?"

"No way. She was so perfect; such a little angel. That little bit of time I had with my daughter I will cherish for the rest of my life."

"Do you feel like seeing her gave you some kind of closure?"

"Sort of…but then again not really. I guess I have mixed feeling about it to be honest."

"Maybe it's not a good idea for Clary to see her then. I think if you have mixed feeling about seeing her then it might do the same thing to Clary or maybe worse even. Are you going to press charges on the driver of the ice truck?"

"The accident is still being investigated; the cop I spoke to this morning said that it was possibly a mechanical error that caused the accident but time will tell."

"But what if it wasn't a mechanical error? What if he was drunk or something? Then will you press charges?"

"Then I will hunt him down and kill him."

"Something about your tone tells me that you might not be joking."

"I'm completely serious Simon. If the guy driving that ice truck was in anyway responsible for taking my daughter from me I will kill him. Keeping that in mind gives me something to look forward to." I feel a wicked grin spread across my face and the way Simon looks at me tells me he believes me. He should believe me because I have already thought of about ten different ways to kill that son of a bitch that took my daughter from me. Deep down I am begging for the accident to be his fault and not some kind of mechanical error. The dark thoughts about murdering the driver of that ice truck keep some of my other emotions at bay.

"Jace you can't do that; what good are you to Clary if you are sitting in jail somewhere?"

"Relax Simon. No one will ever find out it was me; besides you can't prove a murder without a body."

"You are scaring me right now."

"To use my words from earlier; join the club."

"I think we should head to the hospital. I think after you take some time to look at your girlfriend maybe your murderous thoughts will calm down a bit."

"Who are you trying to kid Simon? Seeing my fiancé…remember we are engaged now; will only make my murderous thoughts worse. Come one lets go."

The walk to the hospital is quite and I keep catching Simon staring at me out of the corner of his eye. I know that what I said to him in that diner makes him feel nervous about how unstable I am but I don't give a shit. After I punch in the key code that the nurse gave to me to get past security the two of us make our way towards Clary's room. Nurse Adams is in the room with her and she is changing the bandage on Clary's head; this is the first time I have been able to see her without the bandages on. The deep gouge right below Clary's hairline will surely leave a scar.

I wonder what her belly looks like. Does she have a cut from where they took the baby out? Does she have a cut where they fixed her collapsed lung? Will her beautiful pale skin be covered in permanent scars? My own heart will forever have a scar on it from losing my sweet baby girl but my skin won't be marked like Clary's. Maybe my heart doesn't have scar on it; right now my heart feels like a deep bleeding wound that will never close up; a wound that might never be able to heal. Something inside of me broke when I heard those haunting words and I know I left a piece of me in that room with my daughter when I left her alone. I clutch the stuffed frog close to my chest as I watch the nurse wrap the new bandages on Clary's face and head.

"Did you manage to get some rest Jace?" Nurse Adams asks me.

"I took a shower and got something to eat. I managed to sleep quite a bit here last night but it's been a long day and I'm pretty tired."

"Would you like it if I brought you in one of the cots? I'm sure it will be more comfortable than sleeping in that chair."

"That would be nice of you; thank you nurse Adams."

"You can call me Ashley if you like. I have a feeling you and I are going to be seeing quite a bit of each other because it looks like Clary will be with us for a while."

"Did Dr. Stubben get a chance to check on her yet?"

"You actually just missed him; he agrees with Dr. Liptak. It looks like we are going to keep Clary in the coma for a few days while her body heals. I like your little frog."

"Clary bought it for our daughter; I thought she might want it."

"Well I have to make my rounds but if you need anything just push the call button. I will have someone bring you a cot as soon as they can."

"Thank you nn…Ashley."

"You are more than welcome Jace. See you later."

I watch her leave Clary's room and she quietly shuts the door behind her; I just stand there staring at the closed door for what feels like hours before I finally turn towards Clary. With a soft sigh I sink down into the chair next to her bed and take her hand in mine. Somehow her bruises look worse now than they did first thing this morning. I feel the need to talk to her; the last time I spoke to this beautiful girl we were joking about her leaving car keys in the cereal cabinet and messing up Izzy's itinerary list; I smile when I remember how she rolled her green eyes as she walk out of our bedroom that morning. I'd give anything to have her roll her eyes at me right now; I miss her so much. I kiss her hand lightly before pressing her tiny fingers against my heart; my words come out in whispers.

"Can you feel my heart beating Clary? I feel like it stopped beating the moment I got that phone call. I miss you so much; I wish you would wake up so I can see your eyes. I wish you would wake up so I can hear your sweet voice. I love you so much and I miss you…and I really need you right now Clary…I need you to open your eyes and tell me everything is going to be okay…I need to hear you say that you love me…I am so lost without you."

I might have practically begged her to wake up but I know it won't do any good to plead with her; the medicine is keeping her in the dark. I wish I could slip into the dark with her for a while; like we could disappear into some pretend place where it doesn't hurt anymore. The door to Clary's room opens and in walks a young man; he is rolling in a folded up cot that I assume nurse Adams insisted be brought in for me to sleep on so I don't have to sleep in the chair again. I mumble my appreciation to the young man and he just nods and leaves the room. I get up from the chair and unfold the cot; when I glance at the small desk on the other side of the room I see a blanket and a pillow that wasn't there when I got here. Who brought them and why didn't I know someone came into the room when I was whispering to Clary? Not knowing the answers to my mental questions I walk over and take the pillow and blanket so I can make my bed up. After I move the chair; I slide the cot right up against the side of Clary's bed so that I can hold her hand while I sleep.

After I use the small bathroom to empty my bladder I find a wrapped toothbrush and a small tube of toothpaste sitting beside a wrapped comb. These things must have been left here for me as well. I quickly brush my teeth and go back to the cot beside Clary's bed; glancing at the clock on the wall I see that its only about eight thirty but I feel exhausted after the events of today. I glance across the room to find Simon sleeping in the chair.

Laying on the small cot while holding the love of my life's hand in mine I start to think about Emma; I really should call her. I pat my jean's pocket only to realize that I left my phone at the institute on the charger. It's not so late that I couldn't go get my phone but right now I feel like I don't even have the energy to get out of this cot let alone make the trip from here to the institute and back. I kiss Clary's hand and whisper goodnight to her and fall asleep almost immediately.

**END NOTE: NOT SURE HOW MANY OF YOU READERS ARE ON TWITTER BUT IF YOU ARE ON TWITTER AND WANT TO FOLLOW ME PLEASE DO…IF YOU MENTION THAT YOU READ MY STORY THEN I WILL FOLLOW YOU BACK…FIND ME ON TWITTER mills_nichole**


	17. Chapter 17

**Song List For This Chapter…**

**Fall For You - Secondhand Serenade**

**It's Hard To Say - The Used**

**Last To Know - Three Days Grace **

**Mad World - Gary Jules **

**Plastic Man - Seether**

**Scars(Acoustic) - Papa Roach**

**Someone Like You - Adele**

**These Four Walls - Little Mix**

**Moments - One Direction ((THIS SONG KILLS ME))**

**So Far Away - Avenged Sevenfold**

**Wish You Were Here - Avril Lavigne**

**Back To Black - Amy Winehouse**

THREE DAYS LATER

I am pacing the floor of Clary's room while Simon, Alec and Izzy all sit and watch me quietly. They understand how anxious I am right now because we are all waiting for Dr. Stubben to come in and give the nurse the order to inject Clary with the medicine that will counteract with the medicine that has kept Clary in a coma for days. I should have gotten up earlier and went home to shower and change; I haven't left this room for more than ten minutes since I got back after seeing the wrecked car. Dr. Stubben and some of the nurse's tried to get me to leave but I refused. Thankfully, neither Simon nor my siblings made the same request; the three of them have barely left the hospital themselves in the past three days. Magnus has been here most of the time as well but he had an appointment that he couldn't get out of this morning; he's hoping to get back before Clary wakes up. I hear a buzzing sound and I assume it's Alec's phone; I assumed right because I watch him dig his phone out of his pocket and proceed to watch him type back a text as he smiles down at the screen. I am still pacing the floor as I speak to my brother.

"Is that Magnus?"

Alec loses the smile on his face and looks at me.

"Yes…he just…well he just wanted to say good morning and that he should be here shortly."

"Tell him to hurry his glittered ass up then; the doctor will be here any minute now."

Still pacing; I watch Alec type away on his phone; a minute later he lets out a small chuckle as he looks up at me.

"Magnus wants to know how you knew he glittered his ass this morning?"

I just smile and shake my head at Alec as I think of something smart to say back to him but before I can open my mouth to speak; the door to Clary's room opens and in walks Dr. Stubben with Nurse Adams trailing behind him. Dr. Stubben shakes my hand and nods at Simon and my sibling before he goes to check on Clary. I stand back and keep still as I watch him look her over and read the information on the screens. I nearly jump when I feel Nurse Adams touch my shoulder.

"Sorry I startled you Jace."

"No it's okay; I guess I was just too busy watching Dr. Stubben. How are you today Ashley?"

"I'm good Jace; thank you for asking. How are you doing this morning?"

"Nervous, excited, scared. Thinking I should have went home for a shower. Do I smell?"

Nurse Adams giggles as she tilts her head towards me and sniffs my shirt that I have been wearing for the past three days.

"Well you smelled better two days ago but I think you will pass. I doubt that Clary will care about your hygiene when she sees you. I think she will just be happy to look at you when she opens her eyes."

"Do you think she will?"

"Wake up you mean?"

"Yes, do you think she will wake up today?"

"I think she will but it doesn't matter what I think. How about you Dr. Stubben do you have any good news for this anxious young man?"

Dr. Stubben chuckles as he turns his attention to me and Nurse Adams.

"I sure hope she will wake up Jace; you do anymore pacing on this floor the hospital will charge you to replace the tiles that you have worn down."

"Should I administer her medication then Dr.?"

"Yes please. Try to pace yourself a little bit Jace; she might not wake up as soon as you think. She might be out for another hour or so and even when she does wake up she will be very groggy and extremely disoriented. Take things slow with her; try not to overwhelm her with questions or information when she opens her eyes."

I watch Nurse Adams dispose of the syringe in the red box by the door before she leaves the room; she turns and gives me a small smile that I return as she shuts the door. Dr. Stubben takes note of the reading on Clary's monitors before walking towards the door where he stops and turns to look at me.

"Remember Jace; just be patient and try not to expect too much from her when she wakes up. If you need anything just page the nurse's station."

"Is it okay if they are here when she wakes up?" I wave my hand in the direction of Simon, Izzy and Alec.

"I don't see why that would be a problem but maybe they could just hang back at first; like I said you don't want to overwhelm her when she first wakes up."

I nod my head as he leaves the room and turn my attention to Simon and my brother and sister.

"Well you heard the doctor; you three can stay but try to keep hidden when she wakes up. Alec text Magnus and tell him you will meet him in the hall when he gets here; that way you can fill him in on the situation before he gets here."

"Magnus is bringing you a change of clothes and a shower bag so you can get cleaned up here; we all know you won't step a foot out of this room when she wakes up. Nurse Adams was only being nice when she told you that you didn't smell but I sat beside you yesterday and let me tell you Jace; you have smelled better."

"Thank you Alec."

"Don't thank me; thank Magnus it was his idea."

"I will thank him later."

I am now sitting in the chair beside Clary's bed as I hold her hand and wait for her to open her green eyes. It's been almost an hour since the nurse gave her the injection and I am getting antsier as the minutes tick by. Alec left to meet Magnus and Izzy and Simon went to the cafeteria to get us all a cup of coffee. A small moan snaps my attention towards Clary and I see her head move slightly as her fingers twitch in my hand. I give her hand a small squeeze as I stand to kiss her cheek.

"Oh god Clary; please open your eyes for me."

She squeezes my hand as she moans softly; I watch as she blinks her swollen eyes a few times as she tries to focus her attention on me. Her sweet voice sounds like she swallowed gravel when she speaks.

"J-Jace…w-where am…oh…I was driving…the sound…was I…"

Leaning down again; I kiss her ear before I whisper to her.

"Shh…don't try to talk yet sweetheart. I know you're confused and scared but you're okay."

I pull away to see her beautiful green eyes glistening with the threat of tears as she looks at me. Her eyes dart down to her stomach and I watch as she places her hand over her middle; the sound she makes breaks my heart. It takes everything in me to keep my own tears at bay as I watch her tiny body shake as she begins to sob painfully. After a few minutes she returns her eyes to mine and I can see them full of so many questions. How do I answer her questions right now? Before she can ask me anything the door to her room opens and in walks Alec and Magnus holding hands; Simon and Izzy follow the two of them and when the four of them see Clary is awake they all freeze. I hold my hand up so they know not to come any closer and they don't. I turn my attention back to Clary and kiss her hand as I look down at her.

"I love you." I whisper.

"Where…is she? Where is our baby Jace?"

"Listen to me sweetheart. I think you should rest for a while and I don't want to get you all worked up. You have been sleeping for a long time and the doctor said you would be a little confused when you finally wake up. He said we weren't supposed to overwhelm you with too much information at first."

"Where is she? I want to know where my baby is! I'm fine; the only thing that I am confused about is why isn't my baby in my belly? So will you please tell me where she is?" Clary has that icy look in her eyes and her voice is much clearer than when she first spoke a few minutes ago. I turn to look at four pairs of eyes; they all look scared.

"Can we have a little privacy please?" I ask the four of them. Quietly they all leave the room and Simon gives me a weak smile before he closes the door behind him. When I look at Clary again her green eyes are still ice cold as she squeezes my hand tightly.

"She's gone sweetheart; there wasn't anything they could do for her. She was already gone when you got to the hospital."

"She's…dead? Our baby is dead?"

That's it; I can't control my emotions any longer. Hearing the heartbreaking words come out of Clary's mouth is my breaking point. I have managed to keep my emotions in check for the past three days but I can't control them anymore. Tears slide down my face as I watch Clary's heart break right in front of me; when her hand slips out of mine I moan at the loss of her touch and practically throw myself on her small hospital bed. Carefully I slide my body beside Clary and rest my hand onto her folded hands that she has placed over her empty belly. After a few minutes Clary's crying quiets down and her soft whisper is hard to hear over my own crying.

"Why…what did I do to deserve this Jace?"

"No baby don't say that; you didn't do anything wrong. It was just an accident; it's not anyone's fault."

"But that truck hit the car; it's that guys fault."

"I wish that were true baby but it's not. The police told me that the trucks braking system had a mechanical failure and the driver just couldn't stop the truck from hitting the car. Trust me baby if that driver had done it on purpose or was drunk or something he wouldn't be breathing right now."

"Can you stop calling me that?"

I glace up at her in confusion and her eyes are ice cold once again.

"Calling you what?"

"Baby."

"Sweetheart I always call you that."

"I don't want to hear that word right now so could you please stop calling me that Jace."

"I understand; I won't say it again."

"How long have I been sleeping?"

"Almost five days."

"So you have had five days to let our daughters death sink in and I have all of five minutes. Tell me Jace; does it hurt as bad today as it did five days ago?"

"Clary…I think you should try to get some rest."

"Answer me!" She snaps and all my muscles tense.

"Yes it hurts. I don't feel like it will ever stop hurting."

"Where did that come from?"

I follow her eyes to the small table beside her bed where the stuffed frog with the purple bow on top of its head sits. I reach over and grab the frog and hold it out to Clary.

"From the car. Simon, Alec and I went to see it a few days ago. I thought maybe you might like to have this. Simon found it and as soon as I saw it I just knew you picked it out because of the joke I made about our daughter being a frog instead of a human because of the way she jumps…jumped on your bladder all the time."

Clary takes the frog from my hand and pulls it to her cheek as new tears start to stream down her face. I sit in the chair beside her and hold her hand in mine as she cries on the stuffed animal and after a few minutes I think she has stoped crying but when I look at her I see that she has fallen asleep. As much as I hate that she has her green eyes closed again I also feel relieved that she is sleeping again. Looking into those eyes that kept changing from sad to ice cold was painful. The way she looked at me when she asked me to stop calling her baby made me feel like she stabbed me through the chest with a seraph blade. Something about the way she looked at me makes me feel emptier that I already feel; even now I feel a shudder run through my body as I watch her sleep.

Almost an hour goes by before nurse Adams quietly enters the room to check on Clary. Her pale green eyes are asking me if she has woken up yet.

"She was only awake for a few minutes; she cried herself to sleep." I whisper.

"Poor little thing; she must be so confused right now."

"She knows about the baby; I didn't want to tell her yet but she insisted that I tell her where our little girl was."

Nurse Adams pale green eyes get glassy as she places her hand on my shoulder. I am so thankful that this sweet woman has been Clary's nurse almost round the clock since she got here. Over the last three days I have grown quite fond of Ashley; she always has sweet things to say and even manages to bring a little bit of lightness to my dark days. I feel like I have formed some kind of bond with this caring nurse and seeing the tears in her eyes tells me she feel the same way.

"I can't even begin to imagine the pain the two of you must be feeling right now Jace. Please let me know if there is anything I can do or bring you."

"Thank you Ashley; I really do appreciate that very much."

"Your brother asked me to ask you if it would be alright for them to come in. Would you like me to tell them to all go home for a little while so you can be alone with Clary?"

"No that's alright. Please tell them that they can come in. I think she might sleep for a while longer and I could use my family right now."

Nurse Adams pats my shoulder and smiles softly at me before she leave the room; before the door closes in walks Magnus, Simon, Izzy and finally Alec; who shuts the door behind him. The four of them stand at Clary's door with an awkward look on their faces; they don't know what to say to me. I take my time looking at each one of them and my eyes settle back to my parabitai as I rise from the chair. Alec returns my hug with his strong arms as I shudder apart against his shoulder. I mumble into his shirt.

"She's so broken Alec. How can I fix her?"

"You're broken too Jace; you two will have to find a way to fix each other."

"You should have seen the way she looked at me; I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Oh god Alec I can't stand the thought of her not loving me anymore. Please tell me I'm wrong; please tell me she still loves me."

"Of course she still loves you Jace. You are everything to her." Simon's words come from behind me and I let go of Alec to look at Clary's best friend; his coffee colored eyes are warm and full of love when he looks at me. All my emotions crash together at once. My words come out as a mix of sadness, anger and an almost empty loss.

"She's everything to me too Simon. We shouldn't be here right now! We should be home. We should be hanging up baby clothes in our daughter's nursery! I should be making her a snack right now…look at the clock…it's a little after two and this is about the time I make her a snack. Why? Why? I don't want to be here! I want my daughter back! I want to hear Clary giggling because our baby is moving in her belly! I want it back damn it! Why? Why can't I have it all back? Why do I feel like I have lost everything? I don't even want to be breathing right now because this fucking pain in my chest won't go away! I…I…can't…I need Clary…I love her so much."

"Stop it! Stop it right now! I want all of you to get out of my room!"

The five of us turn to see Clary looking at us with pure anger in her green eyes. I turn around and watch everyone leave the room after I tell them to just go home and maybe they can come back tomorrow when Clary has had some time to adjust to everything. I walk over and reach for her hand but she pulls away from me as her icy eyes take me in.

"You too Jace."

"What? You don't want me here Clary?"

"I just want to be alone."

"I understand sweetheart; I can just sit here and I promise to not talk to you."

"No. I want you to leave Jace. I don't want you here."

"Clary please don't do this. Please don't push me away. I'm hurting too. She was my baby too. I fucking loved her too. She was so beautiful Clary…so damn tiny in my hands but she looked like a little angel."

Clary looks at my tear streaked face in confusion.

"You saw her? You got to hold her?" She whispers.

"Yes…she was so perfect. I didn't want to leave her."

"I want to see her."

"I can ask nurse Adams if that would be alright but she won't…she will…she's not going to look the same today as she did five days ago. They have been trying to get me to make arrangements for her but I refused. I wanted you to have the chance to say goodbye to her too."

"Please ask someone to bring her to me."

After I press the call button for the nurse I sit on the edge of Clary's bed and forcefully take her hand in mine even though she tries to pull her hand away. My golden eyes are soft when I look at her.

"Please don't punish me Clary. I love you so much. I feel so broken right now and the only thing I have left to hang onto is you loving me. Please tell me you still love me."

"I love you." Her whispers sound empty and hollow but at least she said the words. I lean down and kiss her cheek as I smooth her red hair down over her shoulder. I ignore the smell of dried blood in her hair as I nuzzle my face against her skin. When her door opens I look up to see nurse Adams with a small smile on her face.

"Is there something you two need?"

"Clary wants to see our daughter."

Nurse Adams takes a short moment to see that my request was really only a polite demand before she looks at Clary.

"I can bring her to you Clary; is there anything I can get you while you wait?"

"Just my baby. Please bring her to me."

"It's going to be a little while before I can bring her to you. There are forms I will need to fill out and get a few signatures on before the mmm…before they will release her."

"You can say morgue you know. I'm not stupid! I understand you will be bringing me a cold dead baby so you can stop sugar coating it!"

"Clary please try to calm down. There is no need to speak to Ashley like that; she is only here to help."

Her dark green eyes turn to ice as she looks at me and then at the nurse before looking at me once again; she makes a strange noise and yanks her hand out of mine. Fuck! Of all the times for my jealous little red head to pop up; now is not the time. I literally fight the urge to laugh at her jealousy; how could she even think I would be in any kind of emotional position to consider looking at another woman right now? My heart is so broken from losing our daughter that all I have to keep me breathing is knowing that Clary loves me. There could be ten thousand naked women dancing around me right now and all I would see is Clary.

"Tell your little girlfriend to do her damn job then!"

I let out a soft sigh as I see Nurse Adams slip out of the room with a look of shame on her face; I will have to find her later and apologize to her for Clary's behavior. I carefully shove Clary a few inches over on her bed and lay down beside her; she tries to push my head off her chest but I only hug her closer.

"Don't strain like that Clary; you will rip your stitches open."

"I want you to leave."

"Tough shit. I'm not going anywhere. I am staying right here with you."

"I don't want you here."

"Yes you do; you are just hurting right now. My bad habit of hurting other people because you are in pain seems to have rubbed off on you but it won't work on me Clary. I love you and I am not leaving."

"I can call security; they will make you leave."

"That threat might be more believable if you weren't running your fingers through my hair right now."

"I'm sorry Jace; I just don't know how to deal with all this pain."

"Neither do I sweetheart but what I do know is that we have to be here for each other."

"How can I feel so tired if I have been sleeping for five days?"

"Your body has a lot of damage to it and sleeping helps heal it; that's why you're so tired. Go to sleep my beautiful girl; I promise I will wake you up when they bring baby girl in."

Clary doesn't respond and within seconds her fingers still in my hair. I decide to just stay right where I'm at until someone (hopefully not nurse Adams) brings in our daughter so that Clary can say goodbye to her. I concentrate on the light thumping of Clary's heartbeat as I snuggle against her chest and after almost thirty minutes go by; the door to her room opens and someone (never seen this nurse before) pushes in one of the small plastic cribs and quietly leaves before I can even thank them. Carefully I peel myself off of Clary and go over to see our daughter; she still kind of looks the same today as she did almost five days ago but her skin is kind of a greyish-blue color now and when I lift her out of the crib she is much colder too.

"Clary…she's here…do you want to hold her?"

I wait for Clary to wake up as I hold our baby in only one of my hands because she's so tiny; I use my other hand to push the button to raise Clary's bed so that she can sit up. After Clary is sitting more comfortably I hand her our daughter without saying anything and take a seat beside her on the bed. Clary looks down at the baby for a long time before she looks over at me; her eyes are full of tears.

"She has your eyebrows Jace."

"I know. Those lips and that nose came from you."

"She's perfect."

"Yes she is…she is a perfect little angel."

"We have to let her go soon don't we?"

"Yes sweetheart; the hospital has been pushing me pretty hard on making the funeral arrangements but I wanted to wait for you."

"Thank you for that Jace; I feel like if I don't get to hold her and say goodbye then I'll never get rid of this empty feeling inside of me."

Clary leans against my chest as I put my arm around her. She kisses our baby girls face as she mumbles so many things to her; she tells our little girl many of the things that I told her days ago and hearing her repeat some of the very things I said to my sweet little angel brings new tears to my eyes. Clary pulls our daughter up to her shoulder and the two of us plant soft kisses on our baby girls face as we cry. Clary clears her throat as she rest the baby on my lap; she runs her hand over our baby's tiny belly as I stoke her tiny lifeless cheek with the back of my finger.

"We should name her Jace; she deserves to have a name."

"Clary…she deserves so much more than that…she deserves to grow up and know how much we love her…she deserves to be a happy little girl that is spoiled by her daddy and loved with all the passion in the world by her mommy…she…oh god…this is so hard…this hurts so fucking much…it's not fair."

"I think she's happy wherever she is. We should be honored to have this beautiful little girl watching over us from above."

"I think she looks like a Heather. What do you think momma?"

"I think you're right. Heather Rayne Wayland; our own little angel to watch over us."

I lift Heather up to my face and kiss both of her cheeks and her tiny nose as I whisper my final goodbye to her before I hand her to Clary once more. Clary does the same as me before she whispers to our daughter.

"Goodbye Heather Rayne. Always know how much mommy and daddy love you." Clary's soft words come out broken as she says goodbye to our daughter. Her words are as broken as both of our hearts are. I press the call button so the nurse will come to the room and the two of us just look at this beautiful little angel as we wait for the nurse to come back in and take her from us. Nurse Adams cautiously enters the room and approaches the two of us. I stand up and place Heather back into her crib and nod my head at Ashley so she knows that she can take her now. After the door closes I lower myself back down on Clary's bed and hold her carefully as she falls apart against me. I grip her a little tighter; hoping that my arms can somehow keep the broken pieces of her in a neat pile so that someday I can find a way to put them back together again.

I feel someone shaking my body and when I open my eyes the room is dark and I see Nurse Headley smiling at me. Seeing her instead of Nurse Adams tells me it's after midnight; Ashley works from eight in the morning until eight at night. Either Nurse Andrews or Nurse Vander works from noon till midnight and since neither one of them are here then it is most definitely after midnight.

"I'm sorry to wake you Jace but I need to check on Clarissa's bandages. I will be quick and then you can go back to sleep."

I roll off the bed and twist my head from side to side trying to get the stiffness to go away from the awkward position I was sleeping in. I watch Nurse Headley check Clary's bandages and I peer over her shoulder to see the long cut across Clary's lower belly. That cut will heal to a scar that will never go away. When she lifts the bandage on the side of Clary's ribcage I see that this cut is small compared to the one on her stomach; this cut might not leave a scar; at least not a noticeable one. After the nurse writes a few things down on her clip board I grab her wrist gently before she can leave the room.

"Do you think it would be alright if I took a quick shower in Clary's bathroom?"

"Absolutely and if you need any more towels or if you need some toiletries be sure to let the nurses station know."

"Thank you Nurse Headley; I really do appreciate this. I just can't stand the thought of her waking up and finding me gone. At least if she wakes up she will hear the shower running and she will know I'm close by."

"You're more than welcome Jace. I need to finish my rounds now dear so I will see you later okay."

I smile at her as she leaves the room and then I grab the bag of stuff that Magnus brought from the institute for me. My first thought when I open the bag after I get in the bathroom is not exactly a pleasant one. All I can think about is Magnus in me and Clary's bedroom; I can almost see him going through my dresser to find my clothes. My horror worsens when I find my shampoo and body wash along with my razor and deodorant. Somehow seeing my personal bathroom items makes me feel violated in a way; only Clary and I see and touch these things. I shake off my uncomfortable feeling as I strip down and get into the shower. The hot water feels good on my body after not showering for three days. By the time I finish washing my hair and my body the hot water is nearly cold. I quickly shave my face and comb my wet hair after I get dressed and return to watch Clary sleep. I feel wide awake as I watch her sleep; I also feel kind of hungry witch is odd because I can't really remember the last time I felt hungry. Simon of all people has made it his personal duty to make sure I eat at least once a day; usually he brings me sweets like pie or ice cream because he knows I have sweet tooth. Right now I don't want anything sweet; right now I feel like I could eat a huge bloody steak with all the sides and still look for more. Not caring that it's almost two in the morning I pull my phone out of my pocket (Alec brought it to me) and pull my contact list up before pushing the call button.

"_Jace! What's wrong?"_

"I'm hungry; can you bring me food?"

I hear Simon sigh and there is a long pause as I wait for him to respond to my request.

"_What are you hungry for?"_

"I'd love a bloody steak but at this hour I will settle for a soggy cold-cut sandwich."

"_Anything else?"_

"Where are you getting me food from?"

"_Probably the gas station; they have hoagies in the cooler round the clock."_

"Okay then I want a sweet tea and a bag of Cheetos too please."

"_You are lucky I love you Angel Boy."_

"I love you too Bloodsucker."

"_Be there as soon as I can Jace."_

"Thank you Simon."

I shove my phone into my pocket with a smile on my face; hearing Simon call me Angel Boy after months of him only calling me Jace sounds different to me now. Hearing him call me Angel Boy and me calling him Bloodsucker is more like friendly banter now than a personal jab. Realizing that it's nearly eleven at night in Los Angeles I decide to text Em to see if she might still be awake.

_**ME: 217-0226 – U awake?**_

_**EM: 539-7010 – Lying in bed reading a book. How r u?**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – Still breathing…It hurts Em.**_

_**EM: 539-7010 – I'm hurting 4 u. How is Clary? Alec told me she was in a coma.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – I'm sorry for adding more shit to your plate Em. Clary is sleeping right now but she was awake off and on today. She got to say goodbye…**_

_**EM: 539-7010 – Don't b sorry, I wish I could b there with u right now. Say goodbye?**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – You need to be there for Sandra. I know you would be sitting right beside me if you could. Say goodbye to our daughter. We named her Heather Rayne. Clary said she would be our own little Angel, she said that she would watch over us. She has my eyebrows and my long fingers. Her nose is just a miniature version of Clary's and her little lips are just like Clary's too. I wish you could have seen her Emma; she was so damn perfect.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 –Are you still there? Did you fall asleep on me?**_

_**EM: 539-7010 - Sorry Jace. I had 2 get out of the bedroom so my crying wouldn't wake up Sandy. I don't even have words 4 u right now. I'm sorry just doesn't seem 2 fit in this heartbreaking situation.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – I'm sorry I made you cry. I didn't mean to do that. How is Sandra?**_

_**EM: 539-7010 – Sandy is not good. I don't really have anything positive 2 say about her right now; I wish I did but I don't. Is there going 2 be a funeral?**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – (Sending you a big hug) Yes but I don't have any details on the arrangements just yet. Do you think you would be able to come to the funeral? I completely understand if you can't.**_

_**EM: 539-7010 – (smelling ur shirt as you hug me) Let me know as soon as you can and maybe I can come. I guess it will depend on how Sandy is on that day. No promises.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – I got to go now Emma. I will let you know about the funeral as soon as I can. I love you and I miss you more than you know.**_

_**EM: 539-7010 – I miss you more than you know 2. Love you.**_

Simon holds a bag out to me after I shove my phone back into my pocket. I use my shirt to wipe my tears off of my face before unwrapping my sandwich and taking a bite out of it. After I swallow my food I look over at Simon as he quietly sits on the cot beside me.

"Thanks for bringing me food Simon."

"It's no problem. It's kind of nice that you are actually asking me to feed you. I feel like I have been force feeding you for days."

"That's because you have been. Today is the first time I actually felt hungry."

"I'm surprised you are still here to be honest. I thought Clary wanted everyone out."

"Trust me Simon; she wanted me gone too but I refused to leave."

"Do me a favor Jace and keep doing that. I have a feeling she is going to try to push everyone away but you have to dig your heals in and stay put for her no matter what."

"My heals are dug in deep Simon; I'm not going anywhere. If I can persuade her in anyway, I will try my best to keep her from pushing you and everyone else away too. I know she's hurting…I am too…we all are I guess. She can scream at me to leave all she wants to but I won't ever leave her."

"I see you finally took a shower; you smell better."

"I smelled fine before."

"No you didn't. Trust me I can smell way better than you can Angel Boy."

"Don't throw your vampire powers in my face Bloodsucker."

Simon and I laugh softly but when we see Clary stir in her sleep we both go silent so we don't wake her up. The two of us talk softly for almost an hour before I start to yawn. Simon gets up and shoves his hands in his pockets.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep Jace. I'm going to head home. Call if you need anything and let me know if she wants to see me but don't ask her; just wait for her to say something."

I stand up and walk Simon to the door; he doesn't even hesitate to return my embrace when I pull him in for a quick hug. It's almost three thirty in the morning when I slide beside Clary and gently place my head on her chest. She makes a small noise and I feel her fingers slide into my hair; I stay quiet to see if she will wake up further but she doesn't and I fall asleep in a few minutes.


	18. Chapter 18

**Song List For This Chapter…**

**Living In A Dream - Finger Eleven**

**Sixteen Saltines - Jack White**

**Wrong Side Of Heaven - Five Finger Death Punch**

**Lonely Day - System Of A Down**

**Tonight - Seether**

**New Horizons - Flyleaf**

**The Pit - Silversun Pickups**

**Gone Sovereign - Stone Sour**

THREE DAYS LATER (THE DAY OF THE FUNERAL)

Um…I guess you were expecting to hear from Jace considering this is his story and all but he…Jace isn't in the best place right now so you will have to listen to me for a little while. I'm not good with words like he is so if you get bored by my rambling feel free to skip ahead a little bit. (This is Simon by the way)

It's been three days since my best friend woke up and she is still trying to isolate herself away from all of us. I am proud of Jace for keeping on his brave face and I am so thankful that he refuses to let Clary push him away like she has with the rest of us. I wish there was something that I could do to make them both stop hurting so much; I am hopeful that time will heal their wounds.

Alec and I got stuck shopping with Magnus for suits to wear to the funeral; thankfully Magnus kept it simple and helped us pick out simple black suits. Who the hell knows what he would have dressed us in if we were going anywhere besides a funeral for a dead baby. Alec looks so tired when I look at him; I know he can feel the pain coming from Jace and it seems to be wearing him down. He managed to get through most of the fitting at the suit shop but when the tailor was using him to measure for Jace's suit he broke down. It took me and Magnus almost twenty minute to get him to come out of the bathroom. He apologized and said he was fine until he thought about exactly why Jace would be wearing the suit that he was being tailored for. He said he managed to not think about Jace and Clary's dead daughter all day until he was wearing the suit that was meant for his parabitai.

The doctors are giving Clary a day pass out of the hospital so she can attend the funeral; one of the nurses has to go with her just in case there are any problems. Yesterday when I went to Clary's room to take Jace some food; Clary turned her head away from me and refuse to talk to me. In all honesty I feel extremely hurt that my best friend doesn't want to talk to me or even look at me but I don't dare say anything to her because of her fragile state. When I looked at Jace after Clary turned her head away from me his golden eyes were full of apology for her behavior. For some reason Jace looking at me like that made me want to go over and shake the living shit out of Clary. I almost feel bitter towards her behavior; like how dare she act that way? Would I expect this kind of behavior from Jace? Absolutely! Actually I expected Jace to turn into the asshole that he is when something hurts him. Clary is being cold and closed off and Jace is being emotional and almost sweet to everyone. I realize that the strange role reversal between the two of them only proves just how broken they both are.

Since the day Izzy got home from the hospital she has been clinging to me like her life depends on it. As much as I love that she wants to be around me; I get the feeling that after all of this pain subsides she will end up going back to the way she was before. The day after she got out of the hospital she wanted to do more than cuddle but I refused. I know Izzy likes to be distracted when something terrible is going on but Clary is my best friend and I couldn't even begin to wrap my brain around being intimate with Izzy at that moment. I figured that when I refuse to have sex with her she would push me away and find company from someone else but she said she understood and all we have done is hold each other.

I probably should just tell her I love her so she can end my suffering by telling me to fuck off but now is not the right time for that. Hell the way I feel about all of this; there may never be a right time.

When I get to the institute; I have no choice but to just wait for someone to come out; it's not like I can just walk into the place seeing how I'm a vampire and all. Today is the first day since the accident that this many people have been here. Izzy has been staying with me and Alec has been with Magnus; of course you know where Jace is. Since the accident the institute has been dark and empty. I texted Izzy when I got here but it's almost twenty minutes before she steps out onto the sidewalk. Her long black dress makes her pale skin look nearly transparent in the bright sunlight. Alec steps out right behind her and his pale skin looks just as transparent as his sisters does; I can't help but grin at him when he attempts to tame his hair. Magnus steps out behind Alec and I am shocked to see him dresses so simply. He has none of his usual attire on; no glitter; no spiked hair; no nail polish; not even one of his colorful scarfs; just a simple black suit like Alec and I are wearing. Magnus swats at Alec's hand and begins to tame down his hair for him.

"Honestly darling; if you would have just let me fix this an hour ago like I offered to; you wouldn't be dealing with this stubborn cowlick right now."

"Just leave it alone Magnus; no one will even be looking at me anyhow. Besides Jace and Clary aren't going to kick me out of their daughter's funeral just for having messy hair." Alec mutters to Magnus.

"Oh! Alec did you remember to drop off Jace's cufflinks?"

"Yes Izzy. I took them to him early this morning."

"Good I was really worried about those cufflinks last night; I don't think I slept for more than an hour."

I hold my arm out for Izzy so she can hold onto me as we walk to the limo that is parked out front. I love how she pretends that a pair of cufflinks was the reason for her sleepless night. The day of the accident was the first time I have ever seen Izzy cry; I almost thought she didn't have the ability to cry until that day. Izzy cried so much that day that no one could even understand what she was trying to say and she made no attempt to hide her tears. Since the day of the accident her eyes have been dry and she has been acting…hmm…what word should I use here? I guess you could say the Isabelle has been acting indifferent…yeah that seems like a good word to describe how she is acting.

Izzy smiles at me as I help her get the small train on her dress inside of the car. The four of us are quite on the short car ride to the cemetery. When we get there Jace and Clary are already there. Jace looks handsome (don't tell him I said that) in his black suit and he even managed to find the time to get fresh haircut for today. Clary looks tiny in a simple black dress as she sits in her wheelchair. Nurse Andrews stands at her side holding onto the pole that has Clary's medicine bag hanging from it. Nurse Andrews looks very uncomfortable to be attending this funeral; I wish the hospital would have sent Nurse Adams. Nurse Adams is very sweet and she seems to be soothing to Jace. Of course knowing that some other female might be soothing to Jace might be the very reason why Nurse Adams isn't here; Clary can be a little territorial at times.

I wish they would just let Clary go home already; Jace could speed up her healing process with a simple rune. The doctors say she will probably need to stay at the hospital for at least another few days so they can monitor her brain for anymore swelling issues; they also want to keep an eye on her lung that was collapsed in the accident. Dr. Stubben said the laceration in her spleen is healing nicely and shouldn't be a cause for concern anymore. Her four broken ribs are healing slowly but Jace said she is having a lot of pain from them; the nurses keep her pretty heavily medicated. She has three pins in her left femur because of the tremendous damage the accident cause her leg. Even though it's been eight long days since the accident; Clary's face is still hideously (please don't tell her I said that) bruised and nearly unrecognizable. I spoke to Jace early this morning and he told me that Clary had a major meltdown because the nurse's discovered that her incision where they took the baby out is extremely infected and they didn't want to let her leave the hospital at all today.

Looking at her now I can see how pale and sweaty her skin is from the nasty infection that is running through her blood. The doctor put her on a high dose of antibiotics but Jace said the medicine makes her really sick to her stomach; even now she is sitting with a small bucket on her lap just in case she gets sick. I know that she must be in pretty intense pain because of the infection; the infection seems to be preventing her usual pain meds from working like they should. I watch as Izzy make her way towards Jace and Clary; Jace hugs her for a long time and he has tears in his eyes when he pulls away from his sister. Clary turns her head when Izzy crouches down in front of her; I see Izzy shake her head and pat Clary on the knee before she makes her way back to my side where she grips my hand tightly as she bites her lip to; I assume; keep herself from crying. I watch the same painful pattern as Alec and Magnus take their turns greeting Jace and Clary; Jace is warm and inviting and Clary is cold and distant.

The four of us made an agreement to approach Jace and Clary one at a time so we wouldn't overwhelm them by swarming them all at once and now it's my turn to go up there. If I had the ability to sweat anymore; I'm sure I would be soaked with sweat because I am so nervous right now. I decide to go straight to Clary; I drop to my knees in front of her and grip her hand tightly so she can't fight me off.

"Clary, I love you and I'm here for you. Always." I get a small victory when she quickly makes eye contact with me; only to turn away from me a second later. It wasn't much but it's the most I have gotten out of her for almost a week so I will take it. I stand up and find Jace's golden eyes burning a hole into my face; His arms are already stretched out waiting for me to hug him; seeing him so needy makes me feel terrible; I have always considered Jace to be one of the strongest people I know. His grip on me is almost fierce and I do my best to return his strong embrace. I nearly jump out of his hug when he starts to whisper in my ear.

"Please stay with me Simon; I need you right now."

I step back and look at his tear filled eyes and it's enough to break my heart. I can see how alone he feels right now; even though he has kept his heels dug in deep around Clary; seeing that lonely look in his eyes tells me she has still managed to successfully shut him out. Jace grabs onto my hand as I stand beside him; he is griping my hand so tightly that it's almost painful. I glance over my shoulder to see Izzy, Alec and Magnus looking at me. I give them a slight shrug of my shoulders as though to say 'hey he won't let me go so I am stuck up here for the rest of the service'. Izzy and Magnus nod their head in understanding but Alec has a sad look in his tired blue eyes when he realizes that Jace wants me by his side instead of his own parabitai. I quickly turn my head away from those sad blue eyes; I hope Alec doesn't feel any bitterness towards me for Jace's choice in company.

I have managed to avoid looking at the coffin for the hour that I have been standing beside Jace but when the preacher announces that it's time to place flowers on the coffin before they lower it into the ground; I am forced to not just look at the coffin but to also stand inches away from the tiny white box. Jace keeps his tight grip on my hand and drags me up to the coffin so he can place a single white rose on top of his daughter's coffin. It takes most of my strength to pull him up off the ground and guide him back to his standing place beside Clary. Right now he has his face buried into my neck and I am the only thing that is keeping him from falling to the ground as I hold this broken boy in my arms. I risk a glance a Clary and find her with dry eyes as she stares at the small white box in front of her. Jace should be holding Clary right now; Jace should be soaking her dress with his tears instead of the front of my suit. I want to scream at Clary right now. I just don't know who she is right now and I am almost certain that Jace feels like she isn't his Clary anymore either.

After they lower the coffin into the ground most of the people start to leave the cemetery little by little after they offer a final condolence to Jace and Clary. I found a chair and made Jace sit in it while the crowd took their turns saying goodbye to him and Clary; Jace is still holding my hand as he sits in the chair and gives each person as small thank you and even a sad smile. Of course you already know that Clary is the Ice Queen to each person that attempts to speak to her. Finally when Magnus, Alec and Izzy make their way towards us I know everyone else is gone. Nurse Andrews bends down and tells Clary that she needs to go back to the hospital; Clary just nods her head. Alec and Magnus offer to go with the nurse to return Clary to the hospital so Jace can stay longer. I watch as they disappear with Clary and after almost ten minutes pass I realize that Izzy must not be coming back either; it's Just Jace and I. He isn't holding my hand anymore; now he is leaning forward in his chair while his hands cover his face. I kneel down in front of him and place my hands on his knees so he will know I am still here. His hands are still over his face when he begins to speak to me.

"Thank you for staying with me Simon."

"You're welcome."

"They will be here soon."

"Who?"

"The people that are going to put dirt on top of my baby girl; they will be here soon."

"We can go if you want to Jace; we don't have to stay for that."

"Where should I go then Simon? I feel so lost. I feel so alone. Clary doesn't want me around."

"Yes she does she's just being stubborn. Please don't give up on her Jace."

"Fuck! I'm trying; I mean I am really fucking trying but why does she get to be closed off and cold? I fucking need her too you know. Don't you get it Simon? Why do you think I needed you to hold my fucking hand while I watched my daughter being buried? You are the one person that Clary loves the most in this world and if she won't hold my hand then you are all I've got."

"Wow…I…shit Jace…I'm really sorry. I'm here for you; you know that. Clary just needs time maybe."

"I don't understand how she can want to be the way she is being. When I have someone to hug or to hold my hand the pain isn't so bad. I am so pathetic right now; I never needed someone to hold my hand before; but now…it seems that's the only thing that keeps me grounded. How can she not want the same thing? How can she stand that fucking ache in her chest?"

"I think the pain is all she has to hold onto right now Jace. Maybe Clary doesn't want to have that pain go away just yet. Maybe she doesn't want to be grounded; I know you need to feel grounded but at the end of the day…even you have to understand that different people handle situations differently than others do."

I sit down on the ground as I watch this sad boy fall apart in front of me. Like I said before; Jace is one of the toughest people I know and right now he is completely worthless. If a swarm of demons showed up right now the grave digger would need to dig another hole because Jace wouldn't even raise a hand to defend himself. Knowing that makes my own chest ache. I realize that Clary is in fact being stubborn and I can understand why she might want to hold onto her pain for a while but I just wish she would open her eyes and see what she is doing to Jace right now. I feel bitter for thinking about how selfish my best friend is being right now; she isn't the only one who lost her daughter. Clary has always been strong and I have always been proud of her for her strength but the one thing that I love about her the most is how sweet and compassionate she is to everyone. Clary has lost her compassion and she has lost her sweetness. Honestly the rest of us will get over Clary's coldness but the one person she shouldn't ice herself over towards is the father of her child; the child that they both lost.

I used to almost hate Jace for the way he was before him and Clary got together. He always seemed so cocky and uncaring like he thought he was fucking untouchable; like he could walk on water; and I also felt like he never gave two shits about anyone or anything. The Jace he is now is not the Jace I used to know. The Jace he is when he is with Clary is one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I know deep down that if Clary and Jace don't find a way to get through this together then Jace will be worse than he was when I first met him. Jace without Clary will be a living nightmare that everyone including himself will loathe completely.

Jace has been lying on top of the mound of dirt that covers his daughter for hours now and the sun is starting to set. You all know that the bad things come out in the dark; I need to get him the hell out of here before the bad things come out. I lift Jace's limp body off the dirt and start to drag him away from his daughter's grave but he starts to fight his way out of my grip.

"No! I'm not ready to leave yet! I want to stay with her Simon! Please let me stay with her."

"Damn it Jace; if we don't get out of here before the sun goes down then you might be the next one in the ground."

"I don't care. I might as well be in there with her because then at least I would never have to leave her. Maybe somewhere else I could hold her in my arms again. Maybe somewhere else I can kiss her tiny cheeks and smell her sweet scent."

"Stop talking like that Jace; Christ you can be so morbid sometimes. Look I promise we can come back in the morning but can we please get the hell out of here now? Think about Clary for a minute Jace; what would it do to her if something happened to you right now?"

"Like she'd even notice I was gone." His tone is painfully flat.

"She would notice and she would hate you for leaving her."

"I feel like she already hates me so what's the difference?"

"Now you are just pissing me off Jace."

"Oooh…scary vampire is getting angry."

"You are going to see just how scary this vampire is going to get if you don't move your ass."

He stops fighting me and lets me walk him out of the cemetery towards the car that has been waiting for him for hours. The driver looks relieved when he opens the door so I can help Jace get into the car. He rests his head against the window and his words are soft.

"You promise we can come back tomorrow?"

"I promise."

"You'll come with me?"

"I couldn't think of a better thing to do with my time."

"I love you Simon."

"I promise not to tell anyone you said that."

"I don't care. Tell whoever you want; I'll tell them for you even."

"I love you too Jace. Do you want to hold my hand on the way back to the hospital?"

"Yes."

He doesn't look at me as he reaches his hand out to me; I take his hand in mine and the short ride back to the hospital is quite. When Jace goes into Clary's bathroom to take a shower I say my goodbye to him for the night and kiss Clary's cheek as she sleeps before going home. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better for Jace.


	19. Chapter 19

**Song List For This Chapter…**

**Stronger Than Me - Amy Winehouse**

**Broken - Seether Feat. Amy Lee**

**Never Too Late - Three Days Grace**

**Sorry - Buckcherry**

**Numb - Linkin Park**

**The Reason - Hoobastank**

**Helena - My Chemical Romance**

**Diary Of Jane - Breaking Benjamin**

**A Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds To Mars**

**The Pretender - Foo Fighters**

**The Kids Aren't Alright - The Offspring**

**No One Knows - Queens Of The Stone Age**

**Standing In The Way Of The Light – Birdy ((This song is basically the theme for this chapter))**

TWO WEEKS LATER

It's been a week and a half since I brought Clary home from the hospital; after giving her several healing runes she is almost completely healed. She is still having trouble regaining her strength so she needs help getting in and out of the tub. That's what I am doing right now; I'm setting on our bed waiting for her to tell me she is ready to get out of the tub.

I know Simon told you all about the day of the funeral and just so you know that was probably one of the worst days of my life. The days since then haven't been much better to be honest; I might be able to keep my emotions in check but I feel like a ghost around Clary. I feel like I'm some sort of burden to her when I am near her. When she asked me to take her to her own room when I brought her home from the hospital; all hell broke loose. I put my fucking foot down and I screamed at her like I have never screamed at her before. I told her she was going to our room where she belonged. I told he there was only so much pushing away she could do and that I would allow. I told her that I would sleep on the floor but she belongs in our room and in our bed. Her lack of reaction to my loud outburst was almost enough to make me break down in tears; it's as though she gave in and went along with my request just to shut me up; just so she wouldn't have to hear my annoying voice in her ears.

It seems like everyone else has managed to go back to their normal lives since Clary came home but I am still stuck in this dark place inside of my own mind. I know Clary is stuck in her own dark place; I just wish she would reach her hand out to me so we can find our way back into the light together. I talked to Emma on the phone yesterday for the first time since before the accident; it was so nice to hear her voice. She wanted so badly to come to the funeral but it seem as though Sandra has taken a turn for the worse; to doctors say she may only have days left not weeks or months like they had hoped.

"Are you sleeping?"

Clary's voice makes me almost fall off the bed when I hear her speaking so close to me; I thought she was still in the tub. When I look at her she is fully dressed and she has her arms crossed over her chest as she stares down at me.

"Good job sweetheart! You got out of the tub all by yourself." I gush.

"Yes I did; so I won't need you anymore."

I don't like the way she said that; it makes me feel like there is more meaning to her words than her not needing my help getting in and out of the bathtub. Her words and her tone make me feel like she doesn't need or even want me for anything anymore. I get off the bed and pull her in for a hug; she keeps her arms limp at her sides as I hold her close to my body. I feel her hands touch my chest and for a split second I feel my heart jump in my chest at the thought of her returning my embrace; I am quickly disappointed when all she does is push me away as she begins to speak.

"Where's my frog?"

I point to the stuffed animal that is sitting on the dresser and watch as she darts across the room and pulls it to her face. She hasn't let that stuffed frog out of her site since I gave it to her the day she woke up from her coma. Trying once more to get her to have some sort of response to my touch; I walk over and place my hands on her shoulders as I kiss the back of her head.

"You hungry Clary? Would you like me to make you some lunch?"

"I think I want to go out for lunch today."

I can barely contain my excitement right now; this is the first time she has requested to leave the institute since I brought her home.

"That sounds nice; where would you like to go for lunch sweetheart?"

"I am meeting Simon at the pizza shop in twenty minutes."

"Pizza sounds good; I'll just grab a quick shower and then we can go."

"I was thinking I might want to have lunch with just Simon if that's alright."

Damn her! She gets me all full of hope like that only to shoot me down at her first opportunity. I don't dare put up a fight about this because I am trying to be patient with her. Maybe today she will have lunch with just Simon but maybe this time next week she will want to have dinner with me.

"I think that's a wonderful idea; I know how much Simon has missed you Clary. Have a nice time and tell Simon I said hello."

She surprises me when she holds her cheek out for me to kiss before she leaves the room. Usually when I try to kiss her cheek she yanks her face away from me so I'll take this one as a win.

TWO WEEKS LATER

I'm sitting on the floor of Heather's nursery; I spend a lot of time in here just thinking about what would have been. It's quite in here and all the flowers and butterflies that scatter the cream colored walls are quite soothing to me. Clary is somehow colder with me now than she has been all along; she comes to bed late; she disappears for hours at a time without telling me where she is going; when she is home she spends countless hours in the training room. I'm not ready to go back to the training room so I keep myself in shape by running every day. About a week ago I actually tried to go into the training room thinking that maybe it would be a way to get Clary to be closer to me. Turns out I was not so nicely asked to leave when she found me dressed in training clothes and ready to train with her.

"What are you doing in here?"

I look up to see Clary standing in the doorway of the nursery with her hands on her hips; her red hair is plastered to her face and neck from sweat.

"Just thinking; come in and sit with me Clary."

"You spend entirely too much time in here Jace; it's not good for you. I only came in here to tell you that Em texted me; she wanted me to ask you to call her."

I don't bother trying to justify my actions to Clary; her cold dismissive tone tells me I would only be wasting my time. She can spend ten hours in the training room pushing her tiny body too hard but I can't come to a peaceful place to think for an hour or two. I shove my way past her and jog down the hall to get my phone so I can call Emma. When I get my phone there are nine missed calls from Emma. I quickly push the call button and wait for her to answer.

"_It's almost time now Jace; they came this morning and took her to the hospital by ambulance. The doctors said she has to stay at the hospital till the end now."_

"Emma, honey I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't have my phone when you tried to call. How are you?"

"_It's okay Jace; I know what you are going through with Clary. I was surprised that she even responded to my text message. Is she still shutting you out?"_

"She has her door shut so tight it would make Fort Knox's security look like a joke."

"_I'm so sorry Jace."_

"How are you Emma?"

"_Sad…even sadder now that I know Clary is still acting that way towards you."_

"I hate that we live so far away Em. I really need you and I think you really need me too."

"_I know…you don't think she would come if I asked her to do you?"_

"It wouldn't hurt to try but I wouldn't expect too much from her."

"_Oh Jace; you sound so damn sad. Actually I take that back you sound empty and that makes me sad for you."_

"I feel empty Emma. I don't even feel sad anymore to be honest with you; I guess I don't really feel anything anymore."

"_You are breaking my heart right now. Remind me again why I call you when I'm sad."_

"It's because you are a glutton for punishment Emma. You and I sing our sad songs to each other and it fuels our fire; we feed off of each other."

"_Right! I remember now. Give it some time Jace; you will feel something again someday."_

"I'm looking forward to that day. The thing is Em, I might not really be able to feel anything right now but god knows I want to. That want is all I have left to hold onto."

"_It's something. Hold on to that want Jace."_

"Is Sandra still coughing up blood?"

"_No she hasn't done that for a couple of days but she is having trouble getting enough oxygen and she can't seem to control her bodily functions anymore."_

"Em that's terrible."

"_It's kind of comical though. She gets really pissy with me when she has an accident and I try to clean her up; lets me know she still has some spunk left in her."_

"That actually made me laugh a little bit Em. I can almost hear her grumbling at you; I have always loved how spunky Sandra is."

"_Me too…I'm really going to miss her."_

"I know honey. Try to stay positive though."

"_Oh, trust me I am. I keep telling myself that she won't have any pain when she's gone. Seeing her sick and hearing her crying because she is in so much pain is probably the hardest part about all of this. It's probably a really shitty thing to say but I almost hope she goes soon."_

"It's not shitty; I understand what you mean Emma. You just don't want to see her suffering anymore."

"_See you get it Jace. When I said it to Sandy's dad he threw me out of Sandy's room; that's why I'm at home instead of at the hospital."_

"I hope he gets over it and lets you go back in there; I know Sandra wants you there with her."

"_No worries Jace. By the time I got home there was a message on the house phone from Sandy's nurse. Apparently Sandy kicked her dad out and told the nurse to tell me to come back. The nurse said Sandy exerted so much energy yelling at her dad that she's sleeping again. I figured I could get a shower and something to eat since I am already home. I rode in the ambulance with her this morning and I am still wearing my pajamas believe it or not."_

"Dear god Emma! I hope you at least have a robe on or something. I have seen some of the things you supposedly call pajamas; your pajamas leave very little to the imagination."

"_You are just making stuff up now Jace. One time! One damn time you see me in something a little revealing because it was a special occasion for Sandy and I and to your perverted mind I will forever wear see through nighties to bed."_

"Am I really that perverted?"

"_Yes you are but that's okay with me. Look Jace it's been really nice hearing your voice but I really should get off so I can shower and get back to the hospital."_

"Okay give Sandra my love. Call me when you get the time. I love you Emma."

"_Love you too Jace. Talk to you soon."_

After I hang up with Emma I find myself still reeling with anger from what Clary said to me when she found me in the nursery. It's seems as though anger is the one thing I still have the ability to feel right now and I fucking hate it. I want to go find her right now and talk to her like she talked to me. I want to make her feel like her time in the training room is as vile as she made me feel about being in the nursery. I don't dare do that though…no…no poor little Clary is much too fragile to be yelled at like that. I guess it's another Jace can go fuck himself and his feelings kind of day. Fuck I am in the foulest mood right now and I could really use a full bottle of Jack Daniels to shut my fucking brain off for the rest of the day.

I quickly change my clothes and tie my sneakers before shoving my earbuds into my ears so I can go for a long run. Going for the run won't hurt Clary. Blasting my eardrums and running to the point of exhaustion will almost guarantee at least a few hours of sleep on my hard wooden floor tonight.

It's almost midnight when I get back home from my run and I am not surprised to find Clary and I's bed empty and still made. I can hear the shower running and I am half tempted to barge in the bathroom and tackle her to the damn floor. I couldn't do it unless I used my stele or brute force to open the locked door. Clary never used to lock the door; hell half the time she left the bathroom door wide open when she showers but not anymore. I grab a change of clothes and make my way down the hall so I can use Alec's shower; I'm hoping that he bought different body wash because that sandalwood smelling shit stinks. When I open Alec's bedroom door I quickly shut my eyes when I see him and Magnus tangled under the blankets.

"Sorry guys."

I still have my eyes closed as I attempt to back out of Alec's room and I can hear the sheets rustling and I can see his beside lamp turn on through my closed eyelids.

"It's okay Jace. What did you need?" Alec's voice is high pitched and full of embarrassment.

"I was just going to see if I could use your shower; Clary is in ours. It's no biggie I can just go use one of the other ones though."

"Don't be silly sweetie; Alec doesn't mind if you use his shower."

"Magnus is right Jace; come on in and take your shower. Besides there isn't any shampoo or anything in the other bathrooms."

I open my eyes to see the two of them sitting side by side and shirtless (I'm sure pant less as well) under the blankets.

"Yeah well I'm starting to think that showering without soap would be better than smelling like that shit you two shower with."

"We like the smell of sandalwood but there is a bare of Dial soap and a bottle of Suave under the sink if you would rather use that instead."

"Now you tell me that! I could have been using that shit all along instead of smelling like sandalwood."

"I just bought it a couple of days ago. I figured since you keep using my shower all the time I would be nice and get you something that you can at least stand the smell of."

"Thanks Alec."

"Why don't you just bring your body wash and shampoo over and leave it here?"

"Clary likes to use it."

"Doesn't she have her own stuff?"

"Yes but she likes to use my stuff. She started using it every day since I brought her home. I don't know I kind of feel like it's her way of trying to let me in or something. Like if she smells like me then she might want me around again someday. Maybe I'm just an idiot."

"Oh sweetie don't say that. You know biscuit loves you; she just needs some time."

"Magnus I understand she needs time; I'm giving her time but what has she given me? I'll tell you what she has given me. Every day Clary keeps me locked out; my cracked and broken heart bleeds a little more. The way she speaks to me anymore; I think I would rather her not speak to me at all. I would rather complete silence from her than to hear her speak to me with nothing but hatred in her voice."

I leave the two of them with their mouth hanging open at my confession as I slam Alec's bathroom door. I take a quick shower and don't bother shaving my face; a couple of more days of not shaving and I'll be just as shaggy as I was in LA so many months ago. I am so twisted up inside that sometimes I wish I would have never come back from LA to begin with. When I think that I only feel shittier than I already do because I know how not true that is. I still to this day regret even going to LA in the first place; I should have stayed and waited for Clary to come around. That's what I have to do now; I have to wait. I am pretty damn tired of all this endless waiting.

Clary is sleeping (at least she is pretending to anyhow) when I get back to our bedroom. As I lay on the hard floor I can't help but think that slowly this room that I call ours is being to feel like it's her room and her room alone; I am starting to feel like an unwanted guest in this room. Clary must actually be sleeping because I can hear her soft moans as she lays in the bed; she must be having a bad dream again. I am feeling brave as I rise from the floor and slide under the covers with her. She had such a bad dream three nights ago that she woke me up and asked me to hold her until she fell asleep again; but then she made me promise to go back to the floor as soon as she was back to sleep. When I kissed her neck and told her I loved her she said 'don't' and when I asked her what she meant by that she said she didn't want me to say I love her anymore. I honestly didn't even know what to say to her so I just kept my mouth shut. Those ten short minutes was the best ten minutes I have had with Clary since the morning of her accident; what is beginning to feel like forever and a day ago now.

"Shh…it's okay Clary." I whisper into her damp hair.

"Jace…why won't they stop?" Her voice is hoarse from sleeping.

"I wish I could make them stop for you. You know I would take them away if I could."

"You'll go back to the floor when I'm sleeping again won't you?"

"If that's what you want."

She doesn't respond and I pull her back a little tighter to my chest and carefully burry my nose into her hair. She smells like my shampoo and my body wash again and I almost smile. I want so bad to tell her how much I love her. I want so bad to tell her how much I miss her. I miss her lips; I miss her soft hand on my cheek; I miss the look of love in her green eyes. I have to sing a song in my head to keep my tears from slipping down my face; I feel so lost right now. I find myself almost smiling again at the thought of the sadness I am feeling because at least I am feeling something besides anger for a change. It takes everything in my power not to flip her over and pin her to the mattress so I can just feel her body pressed up against mine. It's not even about wanting to have sex with her I just miss the intimacy between us so much that I would just be happy to press our naked bodies together and not move for an hour so I feel that again.

The sunlight shining through the window wakes me up and my entire body jerks when I realize I am still in our bed; Clary is gone already. I hope she isn't too angry with me for sleeping in bed with her all night. I really didn't mean to fall asleep; I just told myself I could shut my eyes for a minute. My left shoulder is stiff from sleeping in the same position for so long. When I see it's almost ten in the morning I realize that this is the most sleep I have gotten in weeks.

After I make the bed and put the blankets that I use on the floor away; I brush my teeth and check my phone to see if Emma texted or called but I find a text from Simon instead.

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Hey what are you up to today?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – It's after nine are you still sleeping?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Well you are either still sleeping or you forgot your phone somewhere. Text me when you get this.**_

_**ME: 217-0226- Sorry I just woke up. I don't have anything planned for today. Why?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – I thought maybe you might want to hang out. I got the new Call of Duty game for the Xbox.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – Do you have food?**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Yep, got all your favorite junk food. I was even nice and stopped at Taki's to get you a piece of coconut cream pie.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – Prepare to die bloodsucker. I am on my way!**_

_**Bloodsucker: 217-9437 – Sweet! See you soon.**_

Simon and I spend the next four hours in heated missions on his new COD game; I don't really like to play video games but it's a nice distraction for me. I know Simon makes it a point to invite me over to play Xbox every couple of days to try to help me out of my dark place; he has no idea what that means to me. Now we are watching some shitty vampire (ironic right) movie as I eat the rest of the junk food he bought for me. I have discovered that bean dip and Doritos are my new favorite food.

"When's the last time you talked to Clary?"

"Yesterday actually."

"How is she?"

"You live with her Jace; why are you asking me how your fiancé is?"

"Because she actually talks to you; she avoids me like the plague."

"Still? I didn't know she was still shutting you out; I'm sorry Jace."

"It's fine. So tell me how does she seem to you?"

"It's not fine and you know it. She…well she isn't really the Clary I know but I can tell she is trying at least. I am careful about what I say to her; I try to just let her do the talking."

"What does she talk about?"

"Nothing of importance. She will talk about comics or make comments to the TV but that's pretty much it."

"I'd fucking kill to hear her talking to the TV right about now. I used to love hearing her tell the actors that they are stupid for running up the stairs instead of outside when she watches a scary movie. I always ended up paying more attention to what Clary was saying to the TV instead of the actual movie."

"See that's why you are so sweet Jace. I hate it when she does that and you think it's cute or something. When she talks to the TV when her and I watch a movie I tell her to shut up so I can hear the movie."

"It is cute when she does that you are just a stuffy vampire."

"Excuse me if I don't value your opinion when it comes to Clary. You think everything she does is cute."

"Not right now I don't. Clary is anything but cute to me right now Simon."

"I'm sorry she is hurting you so much Jace."

"Me too Simon. I just wish she could see what she is doing to me. Doesn't she think that her hurting me might actually be hurting her too?"

"I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this Jace but maybe that's the point. Clary seems to want to hang onto the pain and if causing you pain keeps her pain on the surface then that is what she will continue to do."

"I fucking hate it when you are right about something."

"Don't hate the player Jace; hate the game."

"Shut up! You are so stupid."

"Yeah but at least I made you laugh."

"Thank you."

"That's what I'm here for. I'm really glad you came over today. Clary asked me to spend some time with you and I wasn't sure that since she seemed to have went out of her way to ask me to have you come over if you actually would or not."

"Clary asked you to spend time with me today?"

"Yes that's what I talked to her about when she called me. She didn't talk long she just asked me to get ahold of you this morning and that was pretty much it for conversation."

"That's…kind of strange actually. It's not like I wouldn't come over or anything; I actually like spending time with you. I don't understand why she felt like she had to get you to somehow convince me to come over."

"I think she's worried about you."

"Ha…I find that fucking hilarious Simon! If Clary really, and I mean really was worried about me then she would stop shutting me out so much. All I want, all I need is her and she won't give herself to me. She would rather close herself off and speak to me like I'm a pile of dog shit than let me in."

"Wow…bitterness doesn't seem like the right word to use for the vibe I am getting from you Jace."

I stand up and brush chip crumbs off of my shirt and onto his floor as I make my way towards the front door to leave.

"Bitterness is a bit of an understatement to how I feel right now Simon. Look I'm kinds of in a shitty mood now so I think I will leave before you kick me out. I would like to be able to come by from time to time so I will just split before I say something that makes you not want to open your door to me again."

"Jace you don't have to leave."

"It's cool Simon."

"Are you going home?"

"No. I don't plan on going home until I'm sure she's sleeping."

"Why?"

"Because I fucked up with her last night and I really don't feel like listening to her scream at me."

"What did you do?"

"She had a bad dream and she let me hold her but she made me promise to go back down to the floor after she fell asleep. I accidently fell asleep; I woke up in bed this morning."

"That's so fucked up that she kicked you out of your own bed."

"It's our bed and she didn't really kick me out. Me sleeping on the floor was a compromise."

"What do you mean a compromise?"

"When I brought Clary home from the hospital she wanted to go back to her old bedroom. I put my foot down and made her come to our room instead; so now I sleep on the floor."

"So what are you going to do for the rest of the day then?"

"Who knows; go get drunk maybe."

"I think that's a terrible idea."

"Yeah probably."

"At least let me go with you if you are going to be drinking."

"Relax Simon. Trust me the last thing I need right now is to have alcohol running in my veins. I think I will go to the park for a while."

"Do you at least have some kind of weapon to protect yourself if you are staying out after the sun goes down?"

"I have a dagger and a pack of throwing stars so I will be fine. See you later Simon."

"Yeah okay but for Christ sakes please be careful. Don't go getting yourself killed or anything like that."

"Yes daddy."

Simon rolls his coffee colored eyes at me as I leave his apartment and I find myself chucking as I walk down the sidewalk at our now very close friendship that we have formed. I know he doesn't want anything to happen to me not just for Clary's sake but for his as well. I almost feel bad for lying to him about having any weapons on me but if I told him I was unarmed then he would have insisted on following me around all night. I am only going to the park until just before the sun goes down and then I plan on sneaking into the institute and hiding in the nursery until Clary goes to sleep.

I spent the rest of the day scribbling song lyrics into a notebook as I sat in the park; I find that it helps keep my mind distracted. The sun is just starting to set when I reach the back door to the institute; it's so strange walking through the garage and not seeing my car parked here; I am careful about rounding the corners of the hallways as I snake my way towards the nursery. When I turn the handle on the door to Heather's room the smell of fresh paint hits my nose and when I flip on the light switch I drop to my knees and begin to dry heave. It's all gone! The crib; the changing table; the pretty pink trim work; all the sweet butterflies and flowers; all of it is gone. The walls are painted plain white and there isn't an ounce of evidence that this was once my daughter's room.

Hot tears pour down my face as I feel a mixture of rage and extreme sadness and loss as I look around the freshly painted room. This is why Clary wanted me to spend the day with Simon. She wanted me out of the institute so she could take this room from me. How dare she do this to me! I'll show her! I will destroy every fucking thing in that training room and see how she feels to have her god damn hiding place taken away from her!

I have most of the obstacle course in the training room destroyed and am working on cutting down the suspension ropes when I hear the door to the training room slam against the wall and Alec's voice is full of anger.

"What in the hell do you think you are doing Jace?" He roars.

"She fucking took my room from me and now I'm taking her room from her!" I shout back.

"She didn't take anything from you Jace."

"She fucking painted the room. She took everything out of there."

"No she didn't; I did."

"You did not you are just trying to protect her!"

"Look at me at tell me I am lying to you right now! Fucking look at me! I was the one who took everything out of the nursery! I was the one who had to paint three coats of paint on the walls to cover up all that pink trim! Look I still have white paint underneath my fingernails."

Rage consumes me to the point that I can't even see straight as I throw myself at Alec. I am shocked when he punches me hard enough in the mouth to knock me to the floor.

"If you know what's good for you Jace you will just stay on that floor."

"Why would you do that to me Alec? Don't you know how much this hurts me?"

"Yes I fucking know how much it hurts you Jace! I feel everything you feel remember. I'm sick of it! Every minute you spend in that room I feel it! All day I feel your pain but I know when you are in that god damned room just by the way my chest feels. It's time to let it go already."

"That's easy for you to say! It's not your baby who died! It's not your sweet little girl that they covered with dirt! Why did you have to take the one thing I had left? Clary walks around with a fucking stuffed animal all the time and no one tries to take it away from her."

"Jace when's the last time you actually remember seeing Clary with the frog?"

"What are you talking about Alec she never puts that damn thing down."

"I find that odd that you say that Jace because that stuffed frog has been in my closet for almost two weeks now."

"No it hasn't you're lying!"

"You know damn well that I am not lying to you about this Jace. Clary asked me to put it somewhere she wouldn't find it. She was worried that she was becoming too dependent on that thing. You know what Jace she was too. Because a few hours after she made me promise never to give it back to her she was on her knees begging for that fucking frog."

"Did you give it back to her?"

"No."

"Why not; she wanted it."

"Because not everyone spoils her like you do Jace. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something. Clary doesn't need a stuffed animal. She called me every name in the book because I wouldn't give it to her but guess what Jace. The next morning she came back to my room and thanked me for not giving it to her. She understands that she doesn't need a frog to remember your daughter. Your daughter will always be with you…here… in your heart Jace."

I look into my brothers blue eyes as his hands rest on my heart and I know how right he really is. I don't need some kind of shrine to keep my baby girl close to me; she never left me to begin with. She is in my heart and she will always be there no matter what. I gently remove Alec's hands from my chest and get up of the floor.

"Where are you going Jace?"

"To put my girl back where she belongs."

Alec doesn't respond to my words as I make my way towards me and Clary's room. When I open the door I find her sitting on the bed with a book in her lap. Her green eyes are full of anxiety as I near her. I drop to my knees and lace my fingers together as I begin to plead with her.

"Clary…I'm on my knees begging you right now…please don't shut me out any more…please come back to me baby…I need you…right here in my heart…right where our beautiful daughter is…I need you there too…please…I can't live without you…"

That's it; that's all I have left in me. I burry my face into the mattress as I shatter apart for what must be the final time; I feel like there isn't anything left of me to shatter anymore. A painful sound comes from deep in my chest when I feel Clary's small fingers slide into my hair. She uses her other hand to lift my face up so I will look at her and I am surprised to see her sitting on the floor beside me instead of on the bed where she was. We just look at each other for the longest time before she starts to move her face closer to mine; I freeze because I am afraid if I move she might not do what I think she is about to. When her full lips touch mine I feel like a thousand bolts of electricity are running through my body. In a split second the gentle touch of her lips turn into my hungry mouth consuming hers as my hands run wildly over her small body. When I hear her moan a loud growl escapes my chest as I push her to the floor and press my body against hers. When I feel her mouth quiver and her body begin to shake I stop kissing her to look into her green eyes.

"Please don't Jace." She pleads.

"Don't what Clary?"

"I don't want this. I just wanted to kiss you so you would calm down but I didn't want this. I am nowhere near ready for this."

I am stunned by the amount of anger that fills my body when I realize how wrong I was about Clary's lips on mine.

"Congratulations Clary! You managed to stop my pathetic crying!"

She scampers into a sitting position and her green eyes are wide when she looks at me.

"Don't say that Jace."

"Why not? It's true! I'm fucking sorry if I can't be cold like you all the time. I'm sorry if I have emotions and needs."

"Needs? Is this what you want Jace?"

I stare in horror as Clary rips all of her clothes off and begins to pull at the button on my jeans.

"Stop Clary."

"No! This is what you say you need so this is what you will get!"

I push her hands away from my pants and jump up off the floor to get away from her.

"Stop it! What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?"

"Me? What about you Jace? You had me pressed against the floor and you had your tongue down my throat not two minutes ago and now you have the nerve to ask what's wrong with me?"

"Baby I'm sorry…I just wanted to kiss you; I just wanted to feel you."

"It's too much Jace. I am not ready for that yet. Why can't you understand that I need time? And I thought I asked you to stop calling me that; I don't want to hear that word."

"Why can't you see that me giving you time is killing me Clary? Can't you see how you are hurting me every day? You are so cold towards me and when you do speak to me you talk to me like I'm nothing you talk to me like I'm some kind of nuisance to you."

"I can't give what I don't have Jace. I'm sorry."

"You say you're trying but all it feels like to me is like I am beating my head against a brick wall. You talk to Simon; you talk to Alec yet you shut me out all the time. I know you don't want to hear me say these words but I fucking love you so much and you are hurting me so damn much when you won't let me in. Why can't you see that?"

"I'm sorry." Her words are barely a whisper as she gets up off the floor. I keep my hands at my side at first when she hugs me but she mumbles that she wants me to hold her. I hold her close to me for a long time and then she pulls away but she takes my hand and I follow her to our bed where she lays down and pulls me to her side.

"Please just let me in Clary."

"Shh…go to sleep now Jace. I feel like I can't even keep my eyes open right now. Will you just hold me?"

"Do you want me to go back to the floor when you fall asleep?"

"No, I want you to stay with me."

I pull her tiny body closer to mine and press my lips against her ear as I tell her I love her. She doesn't respond to my words because she is already asleep. I close my eyes and I feel hope fill my body when I think about the small break through the two of us just had. When I wake up the next morning Clary isn't in my arms or even in the bed beside me. I roll out of bed and go brush my teeth after I empty my full bladder.

I am rummaging through my dresser for something to wear when something shiny on the dresser catches my eye. I stand up and see Clary's engagement ring setting on top of a piece of her sketch book paper; her neat hand-writing covers the page.

_**Dear Jace,**_

_**Everything you said to me last night made me realize just how much I really am hurting you. I wish you could know how terrible this should make me feel but it doesn't. I can't even lie to you and say I'm sorry because I don't have any feeling left inside of me. Even when I told you I was sorry last night I didn't feel it; I just thought it was the right thing to say to you. When I pressed my lips against yours I felt nothing; when you touch me I feel nothing. Even now as you read these words I realize that I am only causing you more pain.**_

_**I know that me leaving you will only cause you more pain but maybe with time you can heal. I know that if I continue to stay with you without an ounce of feeling in my body then I will break what is left of the beautiful boy who owns my heart forever. I have avoided your touch because a single brush of your fingers on my skin used to burn my skin with electricity that I could feel to my core; I no longer feel that burn; now I just feel cold and empty. I started using your soap in the attempt to have you close to me without actually having you close to me; I thought it might help but it hasn't. It kills me to admit that I know my heart belongs to you but I can't feel that heart beating anymore Jace.**_

_**Please promise me that you will respect my need for leaving and please promise me that you will try to heal. I pray that someday I will find a way to feel again and then maybe I can heal too.**_

_**Clary.**_

I read her short letter over and over again as I grip her ring in my hand; I am surprised that I am not a bawling mess right now. I don't even feel the urge to cry as I read her letter. I walk over and shove the letter and her ring into the draw of my night stand before going to find Alec. I find Alec in the training room attempting to clean up some of the mess I made yesterday.

"Where is she Alec?"

"Who?"

"Don't fucking play dumb with me. Where is Clary?"

Alec sighs loudly and comes to stand in front of me his blue eyes are full of love for me and I feel the urge to slap his face.

"It doesn't matter where she is Jace; all that matter is that she is gone."

"I want to know where my fiancé is and you need to tell me right now before I beat the shit out of you."

"She's not your fiancé anymore Jace; she's not your anything anymore. You need to accept that she is gone. You need to try to find a way to let her go."

"How long was she planning on leaving me Alec?"

"She told me this morning."

"You know where she is don't you?"

"Yes I do but you can beat the shit out of me until you can't even swing anymore and I still won't tell you where she is. All you need to know is that she is some place safe and you don't have to worry about anything bad happening to her."

"Did you even try to stop her from leaving?"

"No, why would I stop her? Her staying here is hurting you Jace. I know that you feel like her leaving is the worst possible thing but give it time and you'll see it's for the best that she is gone."

"I hate you!"

"That's okay, you can hate me as long as you know that I love you Jace."

"Fuck you Alec! I'm moving out!"

"Where the hell are you even going to go? You don't turn eighteen for another almost four months and you don't have any money."

"I'll figure it out; I'm a big boy." I realize that I am being completely irrational and have lost all of my maturity because of the childish things I have said to my brother but I don't give a shit anymore.

I walk out of the training room and after I shove most of my clothes into a duffle bag I use my stele to lock my bedroom door before I leave the place I have always called home. I end up at the only place I know to go. When Simon sees me holding a duffle bag he looks at me in confusion. He doesn't know about Clary; I almost feel better knowing that she didn't even tell her best friend that she was leaving.

"Jace what happened? Did you and Clary get into a fight or something?"

"No me and Alec got into a fight because Clary left me and he knows where she is and he won't fucking tell me where she went."

"Whoa! What do you mean she left you?"

"Just what I said Simon; I woke up this morning to find her engagement ring setting on top of a letter. She doesn't love me anymore."

"Jace that can't be true."

"It's true alright; she said she doesn't feel anything anymore so how could she love me? We got into a pretty big fight last night and she said she was sorry but her letter told me that she lied to me when she said she was sorry. She said how can she say she is sorry when she doesn't even feel it. She is fucking gone and Alec won't tell me where she went. I hate him and I don't want to even look at him or that institute right now so could I please stay here until I get a job and a place of my own?"

"You can stay here as long as you need to; you know that."

"Thank you Simon; I will get my own place as soon as I can I promise."

"There's no need to hurry."

"For what it's worth Simon; I'm sorry she didn't tell you she was leaving."

"I won't lie to you Jace; it really hurts."

"I know that."

"Where are you going?"

"You said I could stay here so I am going to my room."

"Okay well let me know if you need anything. There should be clean sheets in the closet; if not I can get you some at the store."

"Whatever is here will be fine. See you later Simon."


	20. Chapter 20

**Song List for this Chapter…**

**Heaven(Little By Little) – Theory Of A Deadman**

**Breath – Breaking Benjamin**

**I'm Not Okay – My Chemical Romance ((Theme song for this chapter))**

**Whole World's Crazy – Art Of Dying**

**Preacher – OneRepublic**

**This Is What It Feels Like – Banks**

**Hurt With Me – The Xcerts**

**Last Love Song – ZZ Ward ((Such a beautiful song))**

**I'm So Lonely I Could Cry – Volbeat**

**Race You To The Bottom – New Medicine**

The next morning I walk out of my temporary bedroom at Simon's apartment to find him sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee.

"Is there enough coffee for me in there?"

"Help yourself Jace; you know where the coffee cups are."

I pour a cup of coffee and sit down across from Simon and he holds his cell phone out to me. I look at the screen to see that he has seventeen missed calls from Alec.

"Why did he call you so many times?"

"Probably because I wouldn't answer my phone."

"Why didn't you answer it?"

"I wasn't sure if you wanted him to know you were here."

"No not really but I guess there is no point in making him worry about me."

"Let him sweat for the rest of the day; he hurt you Jace the least we could do is make him worry about you for a few more hours."

"I knew I came to the right place."

"I'll wait till about dinner time and then I will end his suffering."

"That might back fire you know."

"How so?"

"Because Alec will only let you ignore his phone calls so long and then he will just show up here. In fact I just heard someone knocking on your door; I would put money on it that my brother is on the other side of that door with flames shooting out of his nose right now."

"Shit! Go hide in your bedroom and I'll get rid of him for you."

"That's not necessary; stay here and I'll go answer the door."

"Are you sure; I can go with you if you need back up or something."

"Put your fangs away Vampire; it's just Alec."

I am still chucking when I open the door to find none other than Alec staring at me.

"Why aren't you and Simon answering your phones?"

"You see Alec when someone doesn't answer their phones that usually mean that they have no desire to speak with the person that keeps calling them seventeen times."

"I only called Simon seventeen times. After your phone sent me straight to voicemail three times in a row I realize you shut your phone off."

"Perceptive aren't you."

"So what you are living with the Vampire now?"

"Hey I heard that!" Simon shouts from the kitchen.

"Yes I am staying here. Do you have a problem with that?"

"Yes! I want you to come home Jace."

"That's not my home anymore. My daughter is dead and my fiancé left me and my own fucking brother betrayed me so I am staying with Simon now."

"I didn't betray you! I am only trying to do what's right for you. You can't see that though because you are in too much pain to see anything else. Fine don't come home for me come home for our sister; Izzy will be devastated when she finds out you left too."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me right now! Are you saying that Izzy knew Clary left too?"

"Izzy helped her pack."

"So you two get to know Clary's little escape plan but Simon and I get left in the fuck dark. Get out Alec; I don't want you here anymore and tell my fucking sister to stay the hell away from me too."

I slam Simon's door in Alec's face and I am surprised when I hear his footsteps grow quieter as he walk away from the apartment. When I turn around I see Simon leaning against the wall.

"You okay Jace?"

"No Simon I'm definitely not okay."

"Do you want me to leave you alone for a while?"

"No go get dressed we are going to go find something to do for a while."

"Like what? Are you going to get me killed?"

"No nothing like that. We can find something fun to do in this huge city that should keep us entertained without getting killed."

Turns out Simon and I don't even end up doing anything but wondering around the streets for a few hours before stopping for a sandwich at one of the street carts. Simon pays for my sandwich and a bottle of iced tea; his brown eyes tell me to just eat the damn sandwich without arguing about it. I do my best to gag down a few bites of the food but I barely eat a quarter of the sandwich before I toss it in one of the trash cans as we walk.

"You were supposed to eat that not waste it."

"Look Simon, I understand you feel the need to take care of me and all but you need to cut me a little slack. When I'm upset, I have trouble eating. I ate a few bites just to make you happy so shouldn't I get a few points for trying?"

"Only a few though. I can cut you some slack but you need to understand that three bites of food a day won't be enough for you. Hell if I have to feed you ice cream for the next week just to make sure you eat then I will feed you ice cream."

"I like ice cream and Doritos and bean dip and…"

"I get the point Jace! You like your junk food. If junk food keeps you from starving to death then that's fine with me."

"Why are you yelling at me?"

Simon stops walking and I turn to look at him; his face is sad and his eyes are full of apology.

"I'm sorry Jace; I'm not angry with you; I'm angry at Clary. I am however worried about you."

"I'm angry with her too." I whisper.

"I hate what she is doing to you! I hate that she just left without telling either one of us."

Simon started off almost shouting but by the time he finished his sentence his voice was low and full of sadness. I walk closer to him and place my hand on his shoulder.

"She's not our Clary right now Simon; she might never be our Clary again. All we can hope for is that maybe she can somehow find peace wherever she is."

"Do you think she will come back?"

"I don't have an answer for you."

"Don't you want her to come back?"

"No."

"But…I thought…Jace you love her. Why wouldn't you want her to come back?"

"Why should I Simon? So she can just leave me again? So she can push me away and shut me out and speak to me like I'm nothing? Yesterday I was ready to burn down the fucking world to find her but I have had a lot of time to think things through. I realized that you can't make someone feel something they don't really feel. Clary doesn't love me anymore so it doesn't matter how I feel now does it?"

"You sound like you don't care anymore. You sound like you are just throwing your hands up in the air and saying fuck it, I give up."

"I'm exhausted Simon." I whisper in defeat as my own words sink in deep inside of my chest. I have lost everything; my daughter; my green eyed girl; my brother; my sister; and quite possibly my mind; I have nothing left.

"I'm going home."

"I'm guessing by your tone you would rather me not follow you then?"

"You guessed right. I'm not kicking you out or anything but just give me some time alone okay."

"I understand."

I watch Simon disappear down the crowded street and I have a strange feeling that I have wounded my friendship with him with my words. I know my words were painful but they were also true. I spend the rest of the day sitting on top of my daughter's grave and talking to the clouds. I'd like to think Heather is sleeping soundly in one of the fluffy white clouds that glide through the clear blue sky; my thought might sound silly but it brings a small smile to my face. When I get back to Simons apartment I find a note on the fridge that says he is going out for the night and to not wait up for him. I pull a carton of milk out of the fridge and flop on the couch to watch some mindless crap on the TV as I drink the milk.

Twenty minutes later I have managed to drink half the carton of milk and my stomach begins to churn from having too much liquid sloshing around in it. I shut the TV off and return the milk to the fridge before I climb into the shower. When the hot water hits my face; I double over and throw up the milk onto the bottom of the bathtub. Fuck! What a waste of perfectly good milk; I need to lean to eat or drink small amounts until I gain my appetite back otherwise I will end up throwing up all the time. I finish my shower and then take the time to shave the stubble off of my face before climbing into a bed that does not belong to me. I pull the extra pillow to my chest so I can pretend I'm not as alone as I feel. Somehow I start fall asleep as I think about how I have managed to get through the last thirty-nine hours without shedding a tear for the green eyed girl that left me. Maybe I can't cry because she took my heart with her when she left me. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day.

TWO MONTHS LATER

It's been sixty-three days since I woke up to find her engagement ring sitting on top of her goodbye letter and I still don't know where she is because I haven't spoken to Alec or Izzy since then either. Alec only texts me once a week now to check on me and I always respond with the same text: STILL BREATHING. Izzy calls and leaves me voice mails pretty much on a daily basis. It's been a month since the last time she begged me to come home; now she just says random things to my voicemail. Things like: I bought a new pair of boots today Jace or my legs hurt from so much dancing last night at the club Jace; just little things. Simon and I are okay I think but then again not okay really; the two of us kind of avoid each other as much as possible. Yesterday we sat and played Xbox with his friend Kyle for most of the day; Kyle was kind of a wing man for Simon so Simon didn't have to spend the day one on one with just me.

I feel restless today as I roll out of bed to go get a shower before my shift at the gas station starts at nine. That's right I have a pathetic mundane job; I stand at a cash register and ring up people's gasoline and cigarettes for eight hours a day five days a week. My manager let me pick up and extra four hours of pay by going in at four a.m. on Saturdays to unload the truck and stock the shelves. The first Saturday I showed up expecting to be busy for four hours; only ended up being about an hour and a half of work. I got the truck hand unloaded in about twenty minutes and thanks to my slight OCD; had all the items unpacked and stocked on the shelves in just over an hour. My manager was impressed with my speed and agreed to pay me for the full four hours anyhow. The paycheck I get isn't much but in the last seven weeks I have manages to save almost fifteen hundred dollars. If you know anything about renting an apartment in New York City then you will know that fifteen hundred dollars is only about enough to cover a security deposit on an apartment the size of a shoe box.

Thankfully Simon pays for everything and told me to just keep saving my money. With the exception of a few personal items like shampoo and stuff and maybe something to eat when I'm not at Simons; I try not to spend any more of my money than I have to. I have seven more paychecks to earn before I turn eighteen and then I will start collecting a salary of five grand a month from the clave. I haven't decided whether or not to keep my job at the gas station once I turn eighteen or not; most likely I will. It's a boring, mind-numbing job but it gives me a reason to get the hell out of bed six days a week; Sundays are hard for me.

After I started my job I spent the first couple of Sundays just lying in bed pretending to sleep; but three Sunday's ago I woke up early and felt the need to get out of bed and every Sunday since then I have gotten up early and found something to do for the day. My shift at the gas station is from nine to five believe it or not (not bad for a seventeen year old) and I try to get up early enough so I can go for an hour long run before I need to get ready for work but today I slept in a little bit. Today is Friday and I only need to go in for about an hour and a half tomorrow to unload the truck. I can just go for a little longer of a run after I finish my work on Saturday to make up for missing out this morning.

It's two minutes till nine when I clock in for my shift and I smile at Keith as I walk behind the counter to watch him count out his drawer to end his shift.

"Anything exciting happen on the night shift Keith?"

"Not really but Jimmy the whine-o did make an appearance about three this morning."

"Did you give him a donut?"

"Yes I gave him a damn donut. It's your fault he comes in here every day you know. He's like a stray dog; you feed a stray dog once and they will always come back for more."

"Be nice to Jimmy; he's a pretty nice old fella. I told him to come in after two in the morning and you would give him the stale donuts for free since they get thrown out anyhow."

"Hey, I'm nice to him. I wasn't at first but now I find myself putting the damn donuts in a sack on the days that he comes in later than he usually does. You had to tell me his sad fucking story and now I feel bad for him. When he didn't come in till almost three I was actually kind of worried about the old bastard; I blame you for that Jace."

"Awe poor Keith has to admit that he has a soft side. Don't worry bud your secrets safe with me."

Keith is twenty-three and he has a one year old son to a girl that is pregnant with some other dudes baby; yet Keith lets her stay at his place because he says he feels bad for her but I know he is still in love with her. Keith is one of the good guys; he's had a steady job since he was fifteen and he mostly keeps himself out of trouble. He's a short little shit though; standing next to my six foot frame his ashy blond hair barely reaches the top of my shoulder and he's kind of chubby from eating too many hot dogs off the roller. I can't pick on him about eating the hot dogs though because I eat three or four of them every day myself; our manager said we can eat as many as we want for free as long as we are on the clock and with the minimum wage we get you just don't turn down free food.

"Look Jace, here she comes."

I follow Keith's line of vision to see the girl that comes in here like clockwork at nine fifteen every morning. The first time I saw her she looked so familiar to me and for my first week it drove me nuts every time she came in and I couldn't figure out why her light green eyes looked so familiar to me but when she walked in with Nurse Adams I made the connection. Ashley gave me a warm hug when she realized it was me standing behind the counter; I am so thankful that she didn't mention the two girls that are no longer in my life. Ashley introduced me to her younger sister; she said they were on their way to the art museum because her little sister had some of her pottery on display at the up and coming artists booth. Ashley told me her little sister's name was Hailey; she said their mother named each one of her three daughters with a 'y' at the end of their name. Hailey and Ashley both giggled when they said they both dodged a bullet by not being the first born; their oldest sister is named Milly after their grandmother.

"Why do you elbow every morning Keith? You know she comes in here every day on her way to school at the same time so why do you feel the need to elbow me every day at nine fifteen to tell me something I already know?"

"I see the way she smiles at you Jace. When are you going to grow a set of balls and ask her out already?"

"She's too old for me."

"She just turned nineteen and in about a month and half you will be eighteen so don't give me that shit. Look at her Jace; she's hot. Those green eyes; those long legs; even her hair is always nice."

"You seem to enjoy drooling over her so why don't you ask her out?"

"Jace you know why I don't ask her out. She won't give someone like me the time of day; not when she has you to look at."

"Don't be so negative about yourself Keith. You are a pretty good looking dude and you are a smooth talker; you just don't want to try that's all."

Keith and I end our conversation as Hailey steps up and puts her standard granola bar and bottle of water on the counter; it's what she gets every day. Always a bottle of water and always a granola bar but sometimes she gets different flavored granola bars.

"What did you pick today Hailey? Oh cranberry walnut…that sounds tasty. Let me know if it's any good."

"It is good. I have bought them a few times before but you guys haven't had this kind for a few months and I was pretty excited when I saw them on the shelf."

"What do you mean 'you guys'? I don't have anything to do with what gets put on the trucks; I only unload them. Take up your grievance with management."

"Well aren't you just in a sassy mood this morning Jace?"

"Shouldn't you be getting to class instead of harassing me?"

Hailey rolls her pale green eyes at me as I hand her the bag with her granola bar and bottle of water. She dumps her stuff out of the bag and tosses the white sack at me like she does every morning. The first time I rang her up I put her stuff in a bag and she threw the bag back at me jokingly; so now I just bag her stuff to get a rise out of her.

"I actually don't have class today."

"Oh…why not?"

"I get the day off because I am setting up the up and coming artists booth today; it's my turn."

"That's right it is Friday. Do you have any new pottery to put on display today?"

"No but all of my pottery would be new to you if you came to see it you know."

"I'm working."

"Yes right now you are but your shift is over at what four or five?"

"Yeah five o'clock."

"The exhibit runs all the way to seven tonight so you should come and check it out; there are some really good pieces to look at. My friend Zander has an especially nice sculpture to show off today."

"I don't really know what I am doing after work but maybe I will drop by."

"You really should because it will end my curiosity about you."

"Curiosity? What do you mean?"

"I am curious as to whether or not you have legs Jace. I have only seen you from the waist up for the last two months and I'm starting to wonder if there are legs attached to that body."

"Now who's being sassy?"

"That's my cue to get the hell out of here. See you on Monday Jace; unless you sprout legs and decide to come to the museum tonight."

"Have a good weekend Hailey."

"You too."

I watch her exit the store and climb into her black Honda Civic and her car disappears from the parking lot.

"Now if that wasn't an invitation then I don't know what it was."

"What are you talking about Keith?"

"She totally just threw you a line there Jace. She wants to see you outside of this place. You should totally go tonight."

"I don't think so. I have to unload the truck in the morning."

"Excuses, excuses; what do you go to bed at five o'clock or something?"

"Can you drop it already Keith."

Keith steps in front of me and his brown eyes are glaring up at me and he has the strangest look on his face. His eyes dart around to see that the store is empty before looking at me again. His words come out in a hushed tone.

"Are you into dudes Jace? I mean that's cool if you are but just tell me and I will stop nagging you about Hailey all the time." I feel the need to chuckle at his serious tone.

"I appreciate your support Keith."

"So you are then? Gay I mean?"

"Not exactly but let's just say I am kind of off the market."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I am not interested in dating anyone right now."

"What the hell is wrong with you? You are just a young kid yet. It's not about dating anyone; it's about getting laid man."

"Okay Keith, I'll just go to the museum tonight and fuck Hailey in the bathroom just to make you happy."

"I can't tell if you are being serious or not."

"You are an idiot Keith. Of course I'm not being serious. Like I'd do something like that anyhow."

"It's something most seventeen year old guys would do; hell I couldn't tell you how many girls I banged in a bathroom when I was seventeen."

"She comes in here every day Keith. I can't just fuck her once and then look her in the eye every morning like it never happened."

Doing something like that is something I used to do in the past. I never had a problem looking a girl in the eye after I fucked them in the bathroom at the club a week before. I don't do that stuff anymore though.

"There are two other gas stations on this street not to mention a good twenty or so in a ten block radius throughout this city. She comes in this gas station every day because she wants to see you; you are just too blind to see that."

"Go home Keith your little one will be waiting for his daddy to come home."

"I'll see you on Monday Jace; have a good weekend."

"Thanks, you too."

It's almost five o'clock when my phone vibrates in my pocket; when I pull it out it says I have a new picture message. The picture is of Emma floating on her surf board with a beer in her hand and a bright smile on her face. She has been in Hawaii for the past three weeks on what she calls a mental health vacation. Sandra died six weeks ago and I was proud of Emma for keeping it together at her funeral. Being at Sandra's funeral was fucking hard for me but I got through it for Em's sake. I stayed with Emma for two days but she told me to go home; she said she needed time alone. She spent the next three weeks hiding under the blankets filled with grief for her loss. When she called me to tell me she was going to Hawaii I was happy for her and every day she sends me pictures; it's good to see her smiling face. I decide to send her a quick text since my shift is almost over anyhow; we really aren't supposed to be using our cell phone when we are on the clock but the manager pretends not to see it if we don't make it a bad habits.

_**ME: 217-0226 – Looking good as usual. Thanks for making me thirsty.**_

_**EM: 539-7010 – Getting tanner by the day Jace. This beer is ice cold too.**_

_**ME: 217-0226 – Brat. Have fun; love you.**_

_**EM: 539-7010 – Love you too. Miss you so much. **___

_**ME: 217-0226 – Sorry. I'm a working man now Em. Miss you more**_**.**

I shove my phone back in my pocket as Pauline steps behind the counter to watch me count out my drawer. I nod at Pauline and she just gives me a dirty look. Pauline is about sixty years old and she is about the grumpiest person I have ever met. She doesn't talk to me so I don't talk to her. I punch out and head back to Simon's apartment with the plan of watching TV until I go to bed. Such an exciting life I live. A seventeen year old with money in the bank and a beautiful Friday night to do whatever I want to do and I am planning on spending it in front of the TV.

I grab a pack of Oreo's and flop on the couch as I glance around the small living room for the remote. As I reach for the remote a sound coming from Simon's bedroom keeps me from turning on the TV. I lean my head over the back of couch so I can hear better only to hear the sounds of a girl moaning. Fuck! I can't sit out her while Simon bangs some chick not ten feet from me. I get up off the couch so I can get a shower and change my clothes; I need to find something to do while Simon entertains his guest for the evening. Fifteen minutes later when I open my bedroom door I can hear muffled voices coming from the kitchen. Shit, there is no way to escape without Simon and his female guest seeing me. I step into the kitchen as casually as I can only to stop dead in my tracks when I see familiar dark hair.

"Iz? Is that you?"

My sister runs across the kitchen and throws herself hard against my chest. I hug her tightly for a moment before cupping her face in my hands. Her dark eyes are moist with the threat of tears.

"You look really good Jace. It's so nice to see you."

"It's good to see you Izzy. How have you been and when did you start fucking the vampire again?"

"I've been okay and I never really stopped fucking the vampire; we just lost track of time today. I am usually gone before you get home from work."

My eyes shift from my sister to Simon who is standing across the kitchen with an awkward look on his face. The sneaky little shit has been seeing Izzy all this time; I thought for sure he ended things with her but I guess I was wrong. There are a lot of things I would love to say to the two of them right now but I decide to just keep my mouth shut. Who am I to judge their fucked up relationship?

"Simon, you don't have to sneak her in and out of here you know."

"I wasn't really sneaking…okay I was but I only did it because I thought you didn't want to see her."

I look back at my sister and she has a shy smile on her face.

"It's okay Izzy. You can come here whenever you want to; I'm fine now."

"Are you sure Jace? I don't want to push you or anything. I understand you need your space."

"I'm sure. I told you I am fine now; I don't need space. I have missed you little sister."

"Alec really misses you too you know."

"I know but I still need a little time before I can see him. I'm still pretty pissed off at him; it gets a little better every day but I am not quite ready to see him yet."

"So since I can stay; do you want pizza or Chinese for dinner?"

"Neither; I'm going out. I have plans."

"Like what?"

"I was invited to an art show at the museum tonight; so I thought I would go check it out."

"Who invited you?"

"Always the nosey sister aren't you?"

"Yes, now tell me."

"Just some girl that comes in the gas station every morning."

"Are you talking about Ashley's little sister?" Simon has his eyebrows raised as he waits for me to answer his question.

"Um…yeah Hailey said there are some good pieces there tonight so…you know I figured why not."

"I'm lost here. Who is Ashley and who is this Hailey girl?" Izzy asks.

"Do you remember Nurse Adams?"

"Was she the one with the weird green eyes?"

"Her eyes aren't weird; just different but yes that one."

"Yeah okay I remember her; what about her?"

"Her name is Ashley and Hailey is her little sister. Hailey comes into the gas station that I work at every morning and I guess you could say she…might be sort of a friend or maybe a close acquaintance of mine even."

"How close?"

"Stop looking at me like that Izzy. Hailey is really only just a friend; nothing ever happened between us; this will be the first time I will be seeing her outside of my job; not that it's really any of your business anyhow."

"What about Cl…"

I cover my sister's mouth before she can finish speaking the name of the girl that left me.

"Please don't Izzy."

"Sorry Jace."

"Look I'm going to get out of here for a couple of hours so you two have fun while I'm gone."

Simon and Izzy both say goodbye as I grab my jacket and leave the apartment. It's almost six thirty by the time I get to the museum because I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and had to back track a few blocks. It takes me a couple of minutes to find the exhibit for the up and coming artists but when I do; I find some the pieces to be quite impressive. One painting in particular catches my eye; I quickly look away from the painting of the city because the fine detail reminds me of her. I avert my attention away from the painting to look at a strange sculpture of something that resembles of all things a Drevok demon to me.

"I told you it was an impressive piece."

I turn around to see Hailey smiling at me; she has her brown hair hanging over her left shoulder with a small silver band to keep it in place. Her light green eyes are more intense from her dark eyeliner and mascara and her lips are a shiny pink color from some kind of lip gloss. I glance down to see her wearing a dark purple dress that fits her tall frame; the hem of her skirt sits at the middle of her tan thighs. Her three inch heals makes her almost as tall as I am; she has to be about five eight or so anyhow.

"This is your friend's piece?"

"Yes. Zander always sculpts pretty unique pieces."

"It's definitely unique all right. Is he here I would like to meet him?"

The reason why I want to meet him is because of the Drevok-like demon he sculpted. I want to see if this Zander person might have Angel or possibly demon blood running in his veins or if he is simply just a mundane with the gift of sight.

"No you just missed him. He had to get home; his wife needed him to get home because she has a nasty flu. Zander just got over the flu himself only a day or so ago."

"Oh…well that's too bad. I would have liked to have told him he does nice work."

"Well would you look at that? You do have legs after all Jace; long ones might I add. I knew you were tall but seeing those long legs it gives me new perspective."

"These aren't the ones I usually wear to these kinds of things but my other legs are in the repair shop getting fixed." I joke with her and she laughs; she has a sweet laugh.

"I am really glad you could come tonight Jace."

"I'm glad I did come; you and your classmates have some amazing talent; it's always nice to see a good mind put to use."

"Did you get a chance to look at any of my pottery?"

"I did."

"And?"

"They are lovely Hailey; you are very talented."

"Thank you Jace."

"You're welcome and you look lovey this evening as well."

"How old are you Jace?"

"Seventeen why?"

"That young!"

"Easy grandma, I'll be eighteen in a little less than two months."

"I should slap you for calling me grandma you know. I just turned nineteen last week I'll have you know."

"Oh well happy late birthday then."

"Thank you."

"Did you do anything special for your birthday?"

"No I had class all day and ate cold pizza for dinner while I watched Netflix."

"That's a terrible way to spend your birthday."

"I actually enjoyed myself. I am usually busy all the time so it was nice to just veg you know."

"What keeps you so busy?"

"School, studying, I go to yoga three times a week and well you know girls have shopping to do."

"You like shopping?"

"What girl doesn't like shopping? I might need to get help for my shoe addiction."

I know one girl that doesn't like shopping. That girl only owned two pair of shoes other than her boots for training and hunting demons.

"Why did you have that strange look on your face when you asked me how old I was?"

"Because of the way you talk."

"What's wrong with the way I talk?"

"Nothing it's just one minute you sound like a regular teenage boy and the next you sound like some of the professors at my school."

"I'm just properly educated that's all. I was taught manors."

"I can see that. That's a good thing, most guys don't have manors. The way you complimented me on my looks for example; most guys wouldn't say anything at all and if they do it's something like hey babe your ass looks great in that dress."

"You are giving me way too much credit here Hailey. I have been known to say those exact words; even more vulgar ones then that in fact. I just know the right place and the wrong place to say those kinds of things. This is the wrong kind of place to say something like that."

"Are you saying that if we were somewhere that wasn't so stuffy then you would have told me my ass looks good in this dress?"

"No!" Shit, I think I am giving this girl the wrong idea. I know that look she is giving me right now; the tilt of her head; the flutter of her eyelashes; the way she dips her cleavage towards me; she is flirting with me. When I practically shout the word no to her; her whole body language shifts from flirty to squared and uncomfortable because of the look I am giving her.

"I was only kidding around Jace."

"No you weren't you were flirting with me." I do my best to keep my voice calm.

"So you flirt with me all the time."

"I do not."

"Yes you do! The way you always put my water and granola in a bag even though you know I don't want one. The way you sound when you tell me to have a nice day at school. The way you smile at me. The way your eyes get bright when I look at you."

"I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. If you thought I was flirting with you in any way I promise you that was not my intentions; I was only trying to be friendly."

"Do you have a girlfriend or something?"

"No."

"Am I not your type? Am I not pretty enough for you? Help me out here Jace; I really enjoy talking to you and you seem to enjoy talking to me. I find you very nice to look at; I thought you and I had chemistry or was I wrong about that? Or is it that you are one of those guys who likes to play games with girls?"

I realize that she is slowly backing away from me; a few more steps and she will be able to hide in the ladies room to escape me if my words hurt her feeling more than I can now see they already have. I quickly look around to see if anyone is watching before I grab Hailey by her arm and shove her into the bathroom and press her against the bathroom door. Her light green eyes are dancing with excitement having me this close to her. Fuck! This is not how I want her to look at me. I cup her face between my hands as I step back to put some distance between our bodies before speaking to her.

"Listen to me closely Hailey. I want you to know that you are a very pretty girl. I do enjoy talking to you and maybe you are even right about there being some kind of chemistry between the two of us but I really need you to understand that I can only be your friend."

I let her go and step back another step to put even more distance between the two of us. Her light green eyes are full of questions that I don't think I will be able to answer it she ask me the wrong ones.

"She must have really done a number on you huh?"

"Who?"

"Whatever girl that you are still hung up on."

"I can offer you my friendship Hailey but nothing more; I'm sorry."

"Avoiding my questions I see. Okay just friends then."

She holds her hand out to me so we can shake on our truce and her hand is warm in mine when I shake it briefly before letting her go.

"Since we are just friends I'll buy you a cheeseburger tonight but the next one is on you Jace."

"I don't think so."

"Why not aren't you hungry?"

"Hell yeah I'm hungry but you look far too pretty in that dress for just a crappy cheeseburger. Come on I know a really good Italian place that isn't too far from here."

Hailey and I have been done eating for almost an hour but we continue to sit in the almost empty restaurant and talk.

"So is art your major in school then?" I ask.

"No I'm actually majoring in accounting. Money makes the world go round and as long as there is money there will always be a need for an accountant; the paycheck I'll make is the reason for my choice of major."

"But you seem pretty interested in art though."

"Art will always be my passion but I need money to live and since I am good with numbers being an accountant just seems like a good choice."

"I hate money. Money makes life too complicated. Not enough money, you are living on the streets and too much money, you get bored and get a cocaine habit or your wife leaves you for the pool boy after she cleans your bank account out because you are too busy making money to give her the attention she deserves."

"I think I understand what you mean Jace but I am hoping to find a happy medium between those two scenarios. I don't want to live on the streets but then again I don't want to have so much money that I develop a drug habit. Not that I'm a saint or anything; I've done my fair share of drugs."

"Seriously! Like what?"

"You know the standard pot, a hit or two of acid and even a line of coke or two. The college life offers all kind of ways to expand your horizons."

I still have my jaw hanging open as I look at her; Hailey doesn't strike me as the kind of girl that does drugs. I am having trouble picturing her bent over a mirror with a straw shoved up her nostril as she snorts a line of cocaine.

"You do realize that just because college offers those kinds of things that doesn't mean you have to take them right?"

"Are you judging me right now?"

"Probably a little bit but you know what I mean. As your new friend I guess what I am saying is just be careful. It only takes one bad acid trip to fuck up your whole life."

"What about you Jace? Have you ever done any drugs?"

I think about the few times I have had fairy drugs in my system not by choice and decide that since I was tricked into drinking a tainted mix from Kailea a few times that it doesn't really could as drugs.

"I have had a few hang overs from Jack Daniels before but that as far as I would go for experimenting."

"That's a little surprising to be honest with you. With all those tattoos and that mysterious look in your eyes I would have pegged you for a hard core partier."

I decided to stop putting a glamor rune on to hide my permanent runes and just let the mundanes think that my runes are tattoos. Most of the time my clothes cover them up anyhow unless I have a short sleeved shirt on; the only rune that shows is part of my parabitai rune on my neck. I have seen Hailey five days a week for the last seven weeks and she has seen me in a t-shirt enough time to see the runes that mark my arms. Keith tried asking me what they meant but I just told him that I drew them and had them inked on; thankfully he let it go.

"Look who's judging who now. I guess that's only fair though you don't look like the kind of girl to even drink one beer let alone snort coke off a mirror in some dirty bathroom."

"Yeah well I might look all sweet an innocent but I am far from it; trust me."

"I believe you."

"So are you then?"

"Am I what?"

"Sweet and innocent?"

"Well I used to go out every weekend and I drank a lot and did quite a bit of other things I'm not very proud of but I don't do that anymore."

"Did you have a problem with alcohol or something?"

"No nothing like that. It's just not of interest to me anymore."

"What kind of things did you do that you aren't proud of?"

"Um…I'm not sure…"

"Oh come on Jace! We are friends and this is what friends talk about. You tell me your dirty little secrets and I'll tell you mine; it will be fun."

"I'm not certain that I want to know what kind of secrets you have Hailey." I joke.

"Some of them are funny. So tell me Jace; what aren't you proud of?"

"Like I said I used to go out every weekend; both Friday and Saturday and almost every night I spent at the club I ended up in the bathroom with some girl I didn't even know."

"What did you do in the bathroom?"

"Do you really have to ask that question?"

"You could have been playing scrabble for all I know."

"You are unbelievable you know that. I fucked them or they gave me blow jobs; there does that satisfy your curiosity?"

She throws her head back and holds her hands over her stomach as she laughs at my blunt confession and I can't help but laugh along with her. She laughs so hard that she wipes tears away from her eyes as her laughter tapers off.

"Okay, okay my turn now. When I was fifteen; my grandmother caught me masturbating with one of her wooden spoons in her bathroom. "

"Wow, just wow!"

"Wipe that look off your face Jace; it's not like you have never masturbated before. All teenagers do it."

"I don't deny touching myself I'm just trying to figure out why on earth you would use a wooden spoon. I mean geez didn't your grandmother have a cucumber or something?"

Now it's my turn to wipe tears from my eyes because I am laughing so hard. Laughing like this feels good; I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

"If you think that's funny Jace then you are really going to howl when I tell you that my grandmother beat my ass with that very wooden spoon."

"Oh…I don't think that's funny at all. She shouldn't have done that to you."

"It's no big deal; my grandmother comes from the old school. She's one those people that believes a good ass whooping will do a child good."

"There is a big difference between discipline and beating a girl with a wooden spoon. Besides its normal to explore our bodies and she shouldn't have punished you for that."

"I guess she just panicked. I think you were lucky if you never got caught."

"Oh I got caught plenty of times. In fact my brother and I were so bad we were given rules about where and when we were allowed to masturbate. It's good that the rules were set in place because we really go out of hand with it for a while."

"What do you mean?"

"You are going to think I am sick if I tell you."

"No I won't."

"First let me tell you that anytime I say brother or sister you need to understand that I was adopted okay."

"Uh-oh I think I know where this might be going. Did you peak at your sister when she was in the shower or something?"

"No nothing like that. I just tormented her all the time. I used to use my boners to get rid of her whenever she was bothering me."

"How the hell did you do that?"

"If she was getting on my nerves I would make myself hard and then I would chase her away with it…don't look at me like that Hailey; I never took it out of my pants or anything like that. Even her own blood brother did it a few times because it was so effective."

"Is that why the rules were put into effect then?"

"No but the reason for the rules is fucking embarrassing."

"More embarrassing then getting caught in the act by an eighty year old woman?"

"Sort of; I wasn't caught in the act but I left the evidence all over my adoptive mother's bearskin rug."

"What!"

"Shh…keep your voice down and stop laughing it's not that funny."

"Oh but it is that funny Jace. How old were you?"

"I was only twelve."

"I can almost picture you laying naked on a bearskin rug in front of fire for a romantic date with rosy palmer."

"I even had candles lit."

"Liar!"

"I swear I'm not lying to you. I meant to blow the candles out and go to bed but I fell asleep; I didn't even think about all the stains I left."

"ALL the stains. For the love of god how many times did you do it?"

"Lots."

I can't believe I just told her that story I have never told anyone that story before not even Emma and I have told Emma some pretty fucked up stories before. The only person other than me that knew about what I did to that rug was Mayrse and she promised not to tell anyone about it. Hailey and I are still chuckling when our waiter comes over with an apologetic smile on his face; he tells us he is sorry to ruin our fun but they need to close the restaurant for the night. By the time we reach Hailey's apartment it is close to eleven thirty.

"Did you want to come in for a little while?"

"Actually I really should be getting home; I have to be at work at four."

"Four in the morning?"

"Yeah I unload the truck on Saturdays; it doesn't really take me that long but I have to be there by four to meet the truck."

"You're going to be so tired."

"I'll be fine; I can take a nap after I'm done."

"What time to you get done?"

"I'm supposed to be there from four till eight but I'm usually done and out of there by five-thirty."

"You're boss lets you leave early?"

"Yeah it's pretty great actually he pay's me for four hour of work and I only have to be there for an hour and a half."

"Do you have a phone on you Jace?"

I pull my cell phone out and hand it to her; thinking she needs to make a phone call but she pushes a few buttons and then hands it back to me with a smile on her face as her purse makes a buzzing sound.

"There, now we have each other's numbers."

"Oh…okay."

"Get ahold of me if you want to hang out or something."

"Sure…Well I really should get going so I can get a couple hours of sleep. I had really nice time tonight; I can't remember the last time I laughed so much."

"I had a great time too Jace; I think it will be nice to have you as a friend."

"Goodnight Hailey."

"Goodnight."

I wait for a couple of minutes just to make sure she gets into her building before heading towards the subway station. Normally I walk everywhere but it will take me a good thirty minutes to walk; the subway will get me to Simons in less than ten minutes. I lock the deadbolt and slip my jacket off before heading for my room to get some sleep. A dark shadow in the corner of the living room makes me freeze in place; slowly I pull my dagger out of my belt.

"It's just me Jace."

"Shit Simon! I nearly stabbed you. Why are you setting in the dark?"

"I'm a vampire I don't need a lamp to see."

"I know that but what are you doing?"

"Waiting for you to come home; it's after midnight you know."

"Do I have a curfew?"

"Don't be stupid. You are welcome to come and go as you please."

"I had a weapon Simon; there is no need for you to worry so go to bed. I assume my sister went home."

"No she's sleeping in my room."

"Well that's what I want to be doing right now; I have work in a few hours. Not sleep in your room; I meant my own."

"How was your date?"

Simons tone makes me stop walking towards my bedroom door. I turn around and after I flip on the lights in the living room I look at him for almost a full minute before speaking.

"I wasn't on a date Simon; Hailey is just a friend."

"Right now she is but…"

"But what? She is a nice girl and I had a really great time tonight; why are you making me feel guilty about this?"

"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty about anything Jace; I'm worried for you and I might not know this girl but I'm a little worried for her too."

"Worried? Why would you be worried?"

"From some of the things you told me about Hailey; she sounds pretty great and I also get the impression that she might be interested in more than just friendship. I know you Jace; she's going to fall for you and you are going to feel guilty about that and the next thing you know you have a huge mess on your hands."

"I told her that all I can give her is my friendship; she said she understands. I think she gets that I have some skeletons in my closet."

"Did you tell her about…well you know…why you can only be friends with her and nothing else?"

The fact that Simon uses his words carefully without saying certain words or names makes me smile at him for his understanding ways.

"No but I'm pretty sure she gets the idea. She said quote: She must have really done a number on you huh."

"Perceptive isn't she."

"Maybe a little too perceptive but don't worry I am being careful; if I get any strange vibes from her then I will keep my distance but I had a really good time talking to her. My stomach still aches from laughing and it feels wonderful."

"I'm really glad you had a good time Jace; just be careful okay. I know you still have a long way to go but it seems like each day gets a little better for you and I would hate to see you backslide."

"I really appreciate your concern Simon; it means a lot to me."

"You're my friend."

"Without sounding too mushy; you have been so much more than a friend to me."

"Go get some sleep Jace; you have to be at the gas station in like four hours."

"Goodnight Simon."

I don't bother undressing; I just flop on the bed after I set my alarm for a measly three hours; I'll just wear these clothes to work. As a try to fall asleep I have mixed feeling swirling in my head. On one hand I am still kind of smiling because of how much fun I had with Hailey. On the other hand I feel a sense of guilt because Simon actually thinks I am doing better; I'm not; I just have my wall up around him. Do I have good days once in a while? Sure, but most of my days I only pretend to be…well not miserable I guess. I am so full of hatred all the time and I really am trying my hardest to let go of some of that hate but it's hard. How can you feel hatred towards someone that owns your heart?


	21. Chapter 21

**Song List For This Chapter… **

**Little Sister - Queens Of The Stone Age**

**People Help The People - Birdy ((You should listen to this song if you haven't yet))**

**Doublewide - Corrosion Of Comformity**

**Topless - Breaking Benjamin**

**Lost That Easy - Cold War Kids**

**Small Bump - Ed Sheeran**

**Unfaithful – Rihanna **

**Brother - Falling In Reverse**

**What The Water Gave Me - Florence &amp; The Machine**

**Bet U Wish U Had Me Back - Halestorm**

**Angel Of Small Death &amp; The Codeine Scene - Hozier**

**A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz**

**Broken - Lifehouse**

SEVEN WEEKS LATER (HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO ME)

The sound of my phone ringing two days ago woke me up too early on a Sunday morning; when I looked at the caller ID I see that it is Alec and I almost don't answer the phone. I ended up answering it anyhow since he already woke me up and he told me that I needed to clear my schedule for Tuesday. When I asked him why he just giggled and told me it was a surprise that he and Magnus have been working on for a couple of weeks so this should be interesting.

It's only been a little over a month since I have started talking to Alec again and things have been going well between us. Even though I have my parabitai back in my life there is always that elephant in the room when we spend time together. I know that he knows where she is and it takes everything in me not to ask him questions about her; it's like walking on eggshells. Yesterday was my last day of work at the gas station and my manager and co-workers threw me a little goodbye party. I didn't really want to quit working there but I got notice from the clave that the day I turn eighteen my mundane behavior will no longer be accepted. They instructed me to return to the New York institute to full-fill my duty as a shadowhunter or to report to Idris to be stripped of my marks. I convinced the clave to allow me to live in my own apartment outside of the institute as long as I kept up my training and patrol duties; they reluctantly agreed.

My schedule is clear for most of the day except I am meeting my landlord this morning to sign my lease and get the keys to my apartment. He was nice enough to allow Simon, Izzy and I in the apartment last week to clean it and move all of my stuff in but I had to wait until my birthday to sign the lease to officially move in. My apartment is only one block from the institute and it's kind of small but I don't really need that much space. Simon gave me the bed that was in his spare room (I've spent the last four days sleeping on his shitty couch) and even though it's only a double the bedroom in my apartment is so small that I have the bed shoved against the wall. By the time I got the bed and a nightstand and a small dresser in the bedroom there isn't much space to walk around.

The bathroom is pretty tiny as well; the toilet sits right beside the small sink and the small shower stall won't give me much space to move around in. There is a small and I mean small closet in between the bathroom and the bedroom and the kitchen and living room is pretty much one big (small) room put together. The fridge and stove in the kitchen are smaller than standard size appliances but they will work just fine for me. The living room only has enough space for the TV, a small couch and a metal folding chair. Right now all I have for end tables are milk crates that the manager at the gas station let me have. There is a small overhang off the kitchen counter that gives me enough space to sit on a single stool and eat but there is no room for any kind of dining room table.

At first glance of my new apartment I hated it; it felt too confined but what sold me on it was two things. The first thing is off to the side of the living room is a floor length window that will allow me to go out and sit on the fire escape for fresh air anytime I feel too claustrophobic in my tiny apartment. The other thing that sold me on the apartment is I have a key to the rooftop; I figured I could use the space to practice some Tai Chi and even jog if I want to since the roof is pretty large.

I still have so much stuff to buy so that my apartment will be functional. I need to get tons of stuff for the kitchen; hell, pretty much everything really because all I have in there right now is a pack of paper plates and a roll of paper towels. Hailey said we could get together and check out the thrift shops for dishes and things I will need to cook with but since I don't even have any groceries in there I'm really in no big hurry. I try to get together with Hailey at least once or twice a week for coffee or a quick bite to eat but she started working part time at museum and between her work schedule and her schooling we don't get to see each other for more than an hour or so. Even though we don't see each other too much I have been happy to have her as a friend. Since the night at the museum she has done nothing but be my friend and she hasn't made any move to change that; in fact last week she started dating some kid in her art class. She told me his name was Steven and she said he was really sweet but kind of shy; she wants to find time for me to meet him because she said she values my opinion. I laughed at her and told her it wasn't my business who she dated but she insist I meet him anyhow; she is supposed to let me know when we can all get together.

After I sign my lease and the landlord gives me my keys for the apartment; I make my way up to the tenth floor by way of the stairwell (the elevator makes funny noises and it creeps me out) to unlock the door.

"SURPRISE!"

I find Alec, Magnus, Simon, Izzy and Hailey huddled together in my small kitchen with huge grins on their faces at the surprised look on my face.

"Wow the security in this place is shit. How did you all get in here anyway?" I joke as I take turns hugging each one of them.

"Your landlord let us in; we have been here for three hours trying to get everything done." Alec says happily.

"What do you mean get everything done?"

"Izzy and I went to the thrift shop and got everything you will need to cook a meal with and Magnus and Alec bought you groceries. Simon got you towels and stuff for your bathroom." Hailey smiles widely as she explains.

I take a few minutes to look through the drawers and cabinets of the kitchen as well as checking the bathroom out; I can feel the blush on my cheeks when I look at the group of people standing in my kitchen. I feel so loved by all of them that I feel a lump in my throat.

"I don't know what to say to all of you; thank you doesn't seem to be enough for you to know how much this means to me right now." I croak.

I give out another round of hugs to them all and they each mutter sweet and encouraging words as I embrace them. Alec is the last person I hug and when I look into his blue eyes they are glassy.

"We all love you so much Jace and we hope you are happy here and we all just wanted to help get you set up in your new home."

"This was a very nice surprise you had planned Alec; I thought for a minute you had some kind of glitter filled party at Magnus's planned for my birthday. This is the best birthday present I could have asked for."

"Um…" Alec looks nervous.

"No! Please tell me that this was your surprise and you don't have anything else planned Alec."

"All this was Hailey's idea, she put this particular surprise together for you; the rest of us just helped. My surprise isn't until later."

"Alec please." I whine.

"Don't pout Jace; I promise you won't be disappointed."

"So what is your big surprise then?"

"If I told you then it wouldn't be much of a surprise now would it? I can tell you that we are all going out to dinner first and your surprise won't have glitter anywhere near it okay."

"Who's all of us and where are we eating?"

"Everyone that is here right now will be going to dinner at Elmo's; the reservation is for five; that gives us plenty of time to eat before it's time for your real surprise."

"Whoa! Elmo's is pricey Alec; who's paying that bill?"

"The clave gave me permission to spend the money because it's your birthday."

"Sorry to interrupt you two but Izzy and I have plans for the day so we are going to get out of here; we will see you at Elmo's later." Simon says.

I walk Simon and Izzy to the door and say my goodbyes to them. When I turn around I find Magnus and Alec putting on their coats as well.

"Are you guys leaving too?"

"Sweetie, your parabitai and I have things to do to make sure your birthday surprise goes as planned." Magnus ruffles my hair as he steps out into the hall.

"Okay, well should I just meet you at Elmo's then?"

"Yes, be there by five please; you know how they are about reservation times."

"Alec, I'll be there ten minutes early; there is no way I'm missing out on the best steak dinner in the city."

When I close the door and go back into the kitchen; I find Hailey sitting on the stool with a sweet smile on her face.

"I suppose you have to go too?"

"Only if you want me to; I don't have anything planned for today."

"Of course I don't want you to go silly but what about Steven? Don't you want to spend the day with him?"

"Steven has class and he has to cram for his Lit. exam so I won't get to see him today."

"How did you get out of class today?"

"You know me, I'm a rebel, I do what I want. No, I actually worked ahead so I could take the day off."

"I figured that must have been what you did. I do know you and I know you think you are some bad ass but you never miss class."

"No I really don't. People will think I'm dead or something for not showing up for classes today."

"You should have made an announcement over the loud speaker because now someone will call the police and report you as missing person."

"Aren't you just so funny Jace? What do you want to all day?"

"Hell if I know. Alec told me to clear my whole day but since we aren't even doing anything until five; I don't really know what to do."

"Do you want to go out and try to find something to do or do you just want to stay home; now that you have your own home that is?"

"It would be kind of nice to just watch movies all day but I don't get my cable turned on until next week."

"I brought my laptop with me; I can hook it up to your TV and we can watch movies on Netflix if you want."

"Sounds good to me."

"Why don't you get it hooked up and pick out a movie and I will get lunch started."

"You are going to cook lunch for me? Shouldn't I be the one cooking for you since you are my guest?"

"Jace, it's your birthday; you're not supposed to cook on your own birthday. Besides I am really hungry for homemade chicken soup and since I noticed that you have the stuff to make it; I will make you soup."

"Aren't you only supposed to eat chicken soup when you are sick or something?"

"We can pretend."

I roll my eyes as she starts rooting in the fridge for the ingredients to make her soup. It takes me twenty minutes to find the cord to hook her laptop up to my TV and another fifteen minutes to find a movie for the two of us to watch; I end up picking a movie called Sinister. I enjoy seeing how the movie makers in the mundane world write up stuff that they think will scare the crap out of movie watchers. I have yet to see any movie that is even remotely scary or even close to being realistic to the things I have seen as a shadowhunter. I grab a bottle of water out of the fridge and lean against the counter to watch Hailey chop up carrots.

"Do you need any help with that?"

"No, in fact as soon I am done with these carrots we can go watch the movie; this soup needs to simmer for a while before I can put the noodles in."

"You and my sister did a good job of getting everything for the kitchen. I can cook a lot of stuff but I never really gave it much thought about the stuff I used to cook with. Knowing me; I would have forgot to buy a colander or spatulas or something else of importance for cooking."

"Well, I can't guarantee we remembered to get everything but you should be pretty well set up anyhow."

"I can't believe you got that coffee pot at the thrift store; it looks brand new."

"I actually got that from Walmart; the ones at the thrift store looked like they might catch fire if you plugged them in and I know how you love your coffee."

"Thank you so much; I'm still a little blown away that all of you did this for me."

"Don't be so shocked Jace; we all love you…okay, I'm all done here; what movie did you pick?"

"Sinister."

"That sounds like it might be scary."

"You can pick something else if you don't like scary movies."

"No I like scary movies; I just feel bad for anyone who sits near me when I watch them."

I sit on the small couch and Hailey flops down beside me as she pulls the throw pillow onto her lap.

"Why? Are you going to scream in my ear every five minutes?"

"I might scream a little bit but I also might grab ahold of you too; so don't think I'm getting fresh with you if I touch you."

We have managed to watch almost thirty minutes of the movie and with the exception of Hailey jerking a few times she hasn't yet screamed. Her phone starts to ring and she asks me to pause the movie so she can take her call; I find it odd that she goes out into the hall to talk. When I go into the kitchen to stir the soup I can't help but over hear bits of her conversation; it sound like she is arguing with whoever she is speaking with. Before I can press my ear to the door so I can eavesdrop my own phone starts to ring as it sits on one of the milk crates in the living room. With three steps I have my phone in my hand and push the talk button.

"Hello there beautiful. How are you today?"

"_Happy birthday Jace! I would sing you the birthday song but then I would have to buy you a new phone when I break the earpiece."_

"Thank you Emma. Tell me again why you can't be here for my birthday?"

"_I'm really sorry I can't be there; you know I would be there if I could but Julian needs me to help him with the little ones this week."_

"I know, I know. You told me last week you were babysitting; I am only busting your balls Em."

"_It's what you do best. So what are you up to today? Any special plans?"_

"I am having dinner with everyone at five and apparently Alec has some sort of surprise for me after dinner but I am just hanging out with Hailey for the day. She's making soup and we are watching Netflix."

"_What are you two watching? Oh, am I interrupting your movie?"_

"You aren't interrupting Em, Hailey is on the phone with someone also. Just some scary movie called Sinister but it's not scary to me."

"_There hasn't been a movie yet that I have found scary but we are shadowhunters so nothing scares us right?"_

"Exactly!"

"_Is Hailey screaming her head off at the movie? I actually saw that one and I could see how a mundane might find it to be scary."_

"No my eardrums are still in one piece but we are only about a quarter of the way through it so I might need a hearing aid by the time it's over. Maybe I'll get lucky and all she'll do is dig her fingernails into my skin a few times."

"_That sounds interesting."_ She giggles into the phone.

"Behave yourself Emma! You know better."

"_Oh live a little Jace; it is your birthday after all."_

"Tell me why I shouldn't hang up on you right now?"

"_Blah, blah, blah you don't have to hang up on me because I need to get off the phone anyhow. Have a good birthday and remember you are a sexy single shadowhunter; get out there and get some."_

"Right after you do Emma, right after you do."

"_I love you asshole."_

"Love you too Em."

I sit on the couch, staring at the paused movie for almost twenty minutes before Hailey comes back into the apartment and I can't help but notice how red her eyes look. Has she been crying? Who was she arguing on the phone with? She gives me a fake smile as she skips over to the stove to stir the soup. That fake smile she gave me tells me not to ask her any questions. Hailey and I have the kind of friendship where we both know better than to ask too personal of questions. The coffee I made while I was on the phone with Emma is finally finished brewing so I go into the kitchen and get a cup out of the cupboard.

"Do you want some of this coffee Hailey?"

"No thank you."

"Since when do you turn down coffee?"

"My stomach doesn't feel very well; I doubt caffeine will help it."

"Are you sick or something?"

"No…just a little upset from that phone call but I'll be fine in a little bit."

"I'm not trying to be nosey or anything but is everything okay? You do seem very upset; even your eyes are red." So much for not asking personal questions.

"Steven decided to skip class for the rest of the day and he wanted to see me. I invited him to come over; I thought it would be nice for you to finally meet him but he kind of got mad. He wanted me to just blow you off and go and spend the day with him."

"You wouldn't be blowing me off Hailey. It's not like we had this all planned or anything. If you want to go see your boyfriend; don't let me stop you."

"I know we didn't have this planned but I did plan on spending the day with my friend on his birthday; Steven is the one who decided to change his plans. I don't think I should be expected to change plans that I have had for almost two weeks just because he changed his at the last minute."

"I'm glad you are standing your ground and all but if all of that's true then why did you let him get you upset enough to cry?"

"I told you how shy he can be but the truth is Steven seems to be very insecure."

"What does him being insecure have to do with you crying Hailey?"

"Sometimes he says things he doesn't mean when he feels insecure."

"What did he say to you?" I can't hide the anger in my voice.

"Can we just watch the movie Jace?"

I watch as she goes back into the living room and sits down on the couch as she stares at the TV. I take a few deep breaths and pour a cup of coffee before taking my seat beside her on the couch and un-pausing the movie. As much as I want to push her to tell me what kind of fucked up shit her boyfriend said to make her cry; I decide to let it go. The truth is; if she were to ask me questions that I didn't want to answer she would be respectful enough to me to stop; I need to show her the same respect.

An hour into the movie she screams loudly and buries her face into my shoulder when she gets scared. Between her being scared and knowing that she is still upset from her phone call; I decide to wrap my arm around her and let her snuggle against my chest for the rest of the movie. By the time the movie is over; I look down to see that Hailey is sleeping. Carefully I lift her up off the couch and carry her into my room so I can put her on my bed. After I cover her up; I stand there looking at her and I am questioning even putting her in here instead of just letting her sleep on the couch. The thought of a girl in my bed; no matter how innocent the gesture seems; I still have an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

I shut my bedroom door and go into the kitchen to put the noodles into the pot of soup and fifteen minutes later I am sitting on the stool in my kitchen eating a bowl of the soup. Sick or not this is probably some of the best chicken soup I have ever eaten. I end up eating two more bowls of the soup and turn the stove down low to keep it warm in case Hailey wants some of it when she wakes up. I watch a couple of episodes of Family Guy on Netflix; hoping Hailey will wake up soon and watch another movie with me before it's time to get ready to go to dinner. At twenty till four I decide I need to get a shower and shave my face so I look presentable for my birthday dinner. I am surprised that she is still sleeping when I go into my room with a towel wrapped around my waist to get a change of clothes. I decide to go get dressed in the bathroom and once I am dressed I will wake her up in case she wants to run home and change before we head to the restaurant. Just as I am about to shut my bathroom door to put my clothes on; someone knocks on my door. Figuring it's probably Simon or Alec; I go to the door with my towel wrapped around me to answer the door.

When I open the door I find some dude I have never seen before staring at me. He's about two inches taller than me and looks like he spends too many hours in the gym lifting weights; he's a big dude that's for sure. He also looks like an asshole; he has his hair over-gelled and his shitty skull tattoo on his arm makes me think he comes from a rough area. Christ this must be one of my neighbors; I hope I don't have any trouble with this guy; no wonder my rent is so cheap.

"Can I help you with something?" I ask.

"Are you Jace?"

"Who wants to know?"

"I'm Steven; Hailey's boyfriend; she invited me over."

I reach my hand out to offer a handshake to him with a smile on my face when I realize who he is. My handshake is only offered because it's the polite thing to do and the smile I give him is fake. Between the way he looks and the way I know he made my friend cry I already loathe him.

"Nice to meet you Steven; please come in."

He doesn't return my handshake as he steps into the apartment and glance around the room.

"Is she taking a piss or something?"

"No, she's in my room; she's still sleeping. I can go wake her up for you."

The bastard blindsides me and punches me hard enough to make me lose my balance; thankfully I steady myself against the kitchen counter. I duck when he takes another swing at me.

"I'm going to fuck you up pretty boy!" He shouts. I am quick enough to avoid a couple more swings from him as I dance my way around my small apartment.

"What's your problem?" I ask as I continue my dance.

"You're my fucking problem asshole. Do you think you can just go around fucking other dudes girlfriends and get away with it?"

"Maybe if you fucked her right in the first place she wouldn't need to find it somewhere else." I can't help the words that I am spitting out at this asshole. I realize that I probably just fucked up Hailey's relationship but if he's this big of a dick then she shouldn't be with him anyhow. Now he really looks pissed when he lunges at me and I have had enough fun dancing around the room and when he gets close enough my fist connects perfectly with his jaw. I make sure to back off some of my strength because he is only a mundane; if I hit him full force I would shatter his jaw.

"Stop!" Hailey screams as she steps out of my bedroom and her light green eyes are huge as she takes in the scene in front of her. The look on her face tells me how angry she is at me for hitting her boyfriend and I shove him away from me so I can try to explain. Somehow her eyes grow larger as she starts to scream but before she can get anything out I get knocked to the ground and end up knocking her down in the process. I roll over expecting to get punched by her boyfriend but I don't see him; Hailey screams and I jump up off the floor to stop him from choking her. I give him a taste of his own medicine by crushing his throat with my forearm from behind and as he attempts to struggle out of my grip he drops Hailey to the floor where she stays perfectly still.

I am so full of rage for him putting his hands on her that I don't hold back the force of my blows as I begin to pound my fists into his face. When his face is a bloody mess and he stops trying to fight back; I stop punching him. I drag him up off the floor as I stand and slam him against the still open doorframe a few times before tossing him out into the hallway. I watch him begin to crawl towards the elevator before I shut my door and flip the deadbolt into the locking positions before I go check on Hailey. She has her hands on her throat and her eyes look as scared as I have ever seen someone look before. I drop to the floor and place my hand on her shoulder.

"Are you okay Hailey?"

"W-why did you say that to him Jace?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lied to him but that guys a fucking asshole; you shouldn't be with someone like that."

"He's never going to forgive me for this. Look what you have done."

"Are you seriously considering staying with him after he slapped you and choked you?"

"He was angry; you made him think you and I were sleeping together."

"This is fucking insane! I don't care if he walked in and actually saw me fucking you; that doesn't give him any right to put his fucking hands on you!"

"You are making too big a deal about this Jace."

Anger flares in my chest as I cup her face in my hands and I almost drop my left hand when she winces from my touch where he slapped her; the red welt feels hot under my palm.

"Listen to me Hailey…look at me and listen closely. You are a beautiful, funny, and amazing girl and you don't deserve to be treated like this. I don't care how angry I used to get at Clary; I would never ever in a million years lay a hand on her. Only cowards put their hands on woman and still try to call themselves men. A guy that hits a woman is nothing more than garbage."

"Was that her name?"

I stare at her in confusion for a moment but then it sinks in that I said her name; a name I haven't spoken out loud in months. I don't know what to say to Hailey so I just nod my head yes at her as I let my hands slip from her face. I set down on the floor and rest my hands on my thighs and realize I am still only wearing a towel; thankfully during the entire fight it didn't fall off. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths to calm my nerves before looking at her again.

"Please tell me you aren't going to see him anymore Hailey."

"I won't, I promise. Besides he thinks I'm having sex with you and you beat the shit out of him so I doubt he will even bother me anymore. You are a lot stronger than I thought you were Jace; you didn't even get out of breath during that whole thing."

I stand up and grab a bag of frozen vegetables out of the freezer and press it against her cheek. She winches but puts her hand up to hold the bag against her skin.

"I'll be right back; I need to go put some damn clothes on."

She nods her head and I go into the bathroom to quickly get dressed. My phone starts ringing just as I walk out of the bathroom and when I pick it up to answer it the caller ID say's it's Alec calling. Shit it's ten after five.

"Hello."

"_Jace! Where the hell are you? It's after five."_

"Look Alec…something kind of happened here and even if I leave right now I won't be there to almost five thirty."

"_What happened?"_

"I can explain it better to you later. I'm sorry I fucked up everyone's dinner."

"_They went ahead and sat us because I told them that the birthday boy and his date were stuck in traffic. Tell me what you want so I can order for you and Hailey; by the time you get here your food should be done."_

"Okay hold on a second."

I pull the phone to my chest and look at Hailey who is now sitting on the stool in the kitchen.

"Alec wants to know what you want to eat; he said he can order for us and by the time we get there then our food will be ready."

"Maybe I shouldn't go to dinner; I look like hell and isn't Elmo's pretty fancy?"

"No it's expensive but you can go there in dirty jeans and t-shirts for all they care. You look beautiful and it's my birthday so please say you will come."

"What should I order?"

"Steak. You don't go to the best steakhouse in the city for salad."

"Can you just pick something for me since you know what they have?"

I smile at her as I pull the phone back up to speak to Alec.

"Okay Alec, are you ready for our order?"

"_Ready."_

"I want the prime rib, rare, and you know what sides I like. Hailey will take the house sirloin, medium-well, the rice pilaf, and the Caesar salad. "

"_Got it. Now move your asses."_

"Be there as soon as we can."

I hang up my phone as I grab my jacket and Hailey takes my outstretched hand as we exit my apartment. The two of us get to the restaurant at twenty-five after five and the hostess looks pissed when we tell her who we are. I just smile sweetly at her and she softens her scowl as she shows us to our table. I let go of Hailey's hand and push her chair in before I take a seat beside her. Simon, Izzy, Alec and Magnus all look at the two of us like we have dirt on our faces. Hailey curls her shoulders to attempt to shrink down in her chair from the way they are looking at the red welt on her face; I take her hand in mine and I wink at her when she looks in my direction. I lean over and whisper in her ear to ask her permission to explain what happened to everyone and she nods her head yes but keeps her eyes on her lap. I clear my throat as I look up four pairs of curious eyes.

"The reason why we are late is because Hailey's boyfriend made an unexpected visit to my apartment. He saw me in nothing but a towel and Hailey was taking a nap in my bed and the dude kind of flipped out. Long story short he managed to catch me off guard and got me down on the ground long enough to slap her and begin choking her before I beat the shit out of him and threw him out."

Everyone at the table takes their turns apologizing to Hailey for what happened to her and by the time they all finish she has her head held high and I give her hand a comforting squeeze before letting her go.

"Okay, I'll be the one to ask the obvious question here."

"What question would that be Izzy?"

"Are you two sleeping together?"

"Christ you are as bad as her boyfriend…excuse me ex-boyfriend. No Isabelle I am not sleeping with Hailey; we are only friends. She fell asleep when we were watching a movie and I put her in my bed so she would be more comfortable. I just got out of the shower when the asshole showed up at my door."

"I still can't believe he put his hands on you like that. I know what it feels like to have your girlfriend cheat on you but I would never put my hands on her." Simon says in soft tone as Izzy looks embarrassed.

"That's because you are real man; real men don't hit women. Your girlfriend is stupid for cheating on you because you are a good guy Simon; she sounds like a selfish bitch that you are better off without if you ask my opinion." I started off looking at Simon but by the time I finished speaking I was glaring at my sister; her face is red and she looks pissed.

"Fuck this! I don't need this shit!" Izzy huffs as she rises from her seat.

"Izzy you can't leave! Jace tell her you are sorry." Alec pleads and I just shake my head no at him; Izzy stomps her foot and bolts away from the table.

"Oh hell, now look what you did Jace; you realize I have no choice but to go after her now don't you?"

I watch as Simon gets up out of his chair to leave.

"No! Simon not you too? This night is going to shit." Alec whines.

"You're welcome Simon." I grin at him as he starts to walk away from the table.

"You had to open up that can of worms on your birthday didn't you Jace?"

"Hey you started it; I only finished it for you. Now go after her before she does something stupid; you can thank me later for ending your misery."

Simon shakes his head as he laughs and he exits the restaurant to go after my sister; I'll have to find a way to apologize to her later. The way their fucked up relationship was put on the table might not have been the best way for the two of them to figure out their problems but it had to start somewhere. I look at Alec and he has a sad look on his face.

"I'm sorry if them leaving messes up your surprise Alec."

"You realize they probably aren't coming back."

"Oh they are definitely not coming back; trust me. That's okay though what they are about to do has been a long time coming for the two of them."

"It's your loss Jace; now they won't get to share your surprise with you. You are stuck with Hailey and us two."

"I couldn't think of three better people to spend my birthday with. When do I get my surprise?"

"I might as well just tell you now since it's all messed up anyhow."

"No darling. The little shit can just wait until after we have all finished eating this wonderful meal you have arranged. Jace wipe that smart ass look off your face and eat your steak like a good boy. Alec put a lot of work into planning your surprise and you are just going to have to wait."

The four of us eat our meals and it take everything in me not to slap Alec when the waitress carries over a cake as half the damn restaurant sings happy birthday to me. It's after six-thirty when Alec finally jumps up off his seat with a huge grin on his face.

"It's time!"

"Thank god, let's get this over with already."

"Roll your eyes all you want right now but when we get to where your surprise is at in just a few minutes; you are going to be jumping for joy."

I can't help but chuckle at his enthusiasm; he must be pretty confident with his surprise. Magnus and Hailey look just as amused as I feel as we all leave the restaurant. Alec and Magnus hold hands as Hailey and I follow them down the sidewalk for almost ten minutes before Alec stops and spins around; he pulls out a cloth from his pocket and raises his eyebrows at me.

"I kind of need to blind fold you for the rest of the way; otherwise you will figure it out too soon."

"Blind fold me; you kinky bastard you. Magnus does he do this to you too?" I joke as Alec covers my eyes with the cloth and when he pulls the knot tight; I can't see anything.

"Can you see anything?"

"No, Alec I can't see anything. Someone better hold my damn hand so I don't trip over anything."

"I'll hold your hand Jace." Hailey whispers in my ear and I feel my skin prickle as her breath tickles my ear.

I don't know how far we walk but my steps are slow because I'm afraid if I do trip over something; Hailey might not have the strength to keep me from falling on my face. Her breath tickles my ear again when she whispers for me to stop walking. I can hear many unfamiliar voices around me and the soft pounding of music; if Alec brought me to a fucking night club for my birthday he is going to be sadly disappointed when I go home without going into the club. I have no desire to step foot inside of a club.

"Ready for your surprise?" Alec says.

"Can I take this damn thing off yet?"

"Not yet I want to see if you can guess first; hold out your hand."

"What the hell are you going to put in my hand Alec?"

"Nothing bad just hold out your hand already; people are starting to stare."

"What do you care if they stare? You aren't the dumbass with a blind fold on; I am and I don't give two shits if they stare."

I hold my hand out and I feel Alec put something in my palm. I raise my other hand and feel the item with my fingers to see if I can figure out what it is. It's a thick paper of some sort; kind of like the thin cardboard on a cereal box. It's about six inches long and two inches wide; I feel the edge of the thick paper and feel small ridges with my finger all the way around the edge. When I run my fingers over the top of the thick paper I feel more ridges at about the halfway point of the paper and I think I figure out what I am holding.

"Can I ask a question about what is in my hand before I guess?"

"Sure go ahead." I can hear the amusement in Alec's voice.

"This item in my hand; is there one of these for each of us?"

"Yes." Alec giggles.

"It's a concert ticket."

"Is that your only guess?" He giggles again.

"It's not a guess because I have been to enough concerts to know that's what I am holding in my hand Alec. The only thing I don't know is what concert we are going to be watching."

I feel Alec's fingers at the back of my head to untie the blind fold; he is laughing heartily now because he knows that I know I guessed right. I blink my eyes a few times to adjust my site and we are in a line full of people at the entrance of the concert hall. I quickly scan the crowd and see a lot of people wearing different shirts; all with the same band name on them. I can't contain my excitement and I begin to bounce up and down on my heels.

"No fucking way! You got us all tickets to see Breaking Benjamin for my birthday?"

"I told you that you wouldn't be disappointed with your surprise brother."

I plant a big wet kiss on Alec's cheek and pull him in for a big hug.

"This is the best fucking birthday present ever! Thank you so much Alec."

"Your welcome Jace; you always said you wanted to see this band live and when I found out that they were not only playing here but on your birthday I just knew I had to go all out."

"Shit, now I feel bad about Izzy and Simon not being here."

"Don't feel bad Jace. You're right those two need to clean their shit up. Now let's go have fun!"

"Alec…if you really want to make my birthday special you will buy me one of those t-shirts over there."

"Put your lip back in your mouth Jace. I already sent Magnus and Hailey over to get us all t-shirts."

"I hope Magnus doesn't buy us all the same shirts; we'll look like dorks if we all match."

"Be nice Jace. Do you want something to drink?"

"Um…what the hell it's my birthday right…I guess I can drink a beer."

"Stay here and wait for Magnus and Hailey while I get us all something to drink."

Alec disappears into the crowd of people and I watch Hailey and Magnus make their way back towards me. Hailey hands me my t-shirt as Magnus pulls his over his head; Hailey and I put our t-shirts on and to my own horror we all have the same damn shirt on. Magnus has a happy smile on his face when he sees that I have noticed.

"Isn't it wonderful Jace? We will all match. I love to match."

"I was hoping you would get us all matching shirts; thank you Magnus."

Hailey rolls her eyes at my fake smile but Magnus is none the wiser to my sarcasm. Thankfully Alec returns with our drinks right before it's our turn to hand our ticket stubs over. I am impressed that he managed to carry four cans of beer through the thick crowd without spilling any of it. He hands me my beer and give one to Magnus as well but when he hands one to Hailey she makes a face as she takes it from him. I lean over and whisper in her ear.

"I take it you don't drink beer?"

"No I hate beer but I didn't want to be rude." She whispers back.

"Just hang on to it and when I'm done with mine I will drink yours."

By the end of the concert my ears are ringing and I feel dizzy from drinking too much beer; I lost count after nine but I know they just kept coming. I think Alec was trying to get me drunk on purpose but by the way him and Magnus are stumbling around I don't think he realized how much we all had to drink; with the exception of Hailey who is sober. The cool night air feels good on my face once we make our way through the crowd of people. A wave of dizziness hits me hard and I have to lean against a trash can to keep from falling down. Hailey puts her hand on my shoulder and when I look up I can't help the giggle that comes out of my mouth when I see Alec and Magnus in an intense lip-lock.

"Look how sweet they are." I slur to Hailey.

"Look how drunk you are Jace."

"I'm not drunk…um…maybe I am…when did you grow another head?"

"Probably after you drank beer number thirteen; come on you lush; let's get you home."

"Wait…I need to stay here for a minute…oh fuck…I think I'm going to be sick…don't look."

I double over and begin to retch loudly into the trash can that I have been leaning against since we got out side and after a few minutes my stomach stops rolling and I stop throwing up. Hailey rubs my back with her hand as I gain control over my breathing again before I wipe my mouth off with the back of my hand and stand up. Hailey grips my arm with her hands when I begin to stumble away from the trash can.

"Where…where did they go? Where is Magnus and Alec?"

"The already started towards home; come one let's get you home now Jace."

The walk home is a long one and it's after eleven by the time Hailey shoves her hand into my pants pocket; just as I am about to ask her what she is doing she pulls out my keys and unlocks my apartment. She drags me into the bathroom and helps me sit down on the toilet; she finds my tooth brush and hands it to me after she squirts tooth paste on it. I shove the toothbrush in my mouth but I can't seem to figure out how I am supposed to make the brush clean my teeth. Hailey lets out a small chuckle when she sees me struggling and she pulls my hand down and begins to brush my teeth for me. For some reason I find this to be hilarious and when I begin to laugh loudly she gives up and puts my toothbrush on the sink.

I am still giggling as I watch her put soap on a washcloth and wet it in the sink before she uses it to wipe my face off and then my hands. She throws the washcloth in the hamper and looks at my chest.

"Arms up Jace; you have throw up on your shirt."

"Are you trying to get me naked Hailey?" I slur.

"Arms up Jace!"

"Don't be mean. It's my birthday and you're not supposed to be mean to the birthday boy."

"I'm sorry Jace but please understand that I am just trying to help you. Will you please be a good birthday boy and raise your arms for me so I can get this throw up splattered shirt off of you?"

I lift my arms up as she pulls both of my t-shirts off at the same time; she didn't mean to take off both of them but I am too squirmy for her to separate them.

"Why are you squirming so much Jace?"

"I need to pee."

"Of course you do. Do you think you can manage to go to the bathroom without falling down?"

"It's a pretty small bathroom; I can just lean against the wall."

"Okay I'm going into the living room; call if you need me okay."

"You can stay and watch me if you want; maybe you can even hold it for me."

"I think you can manage by yourself."

"See how you are; you get me half naked and then leave me to take care of myself."

"Jace…just go pee before I have another mess to clean up."

Hailey leaves me in the bathroom and it takes me a few minutes to unhook my belt and a few more minutes to open the button and zipper on my jeans before I can finally empty my full bladder. A knock at the door makes me open my eyes; I fell asleep leaning against the wall. I stumble to the door and open it to see Hailey holding a glass of water out to me and she has two pills in her open palm.

"Here take these and drink that whole glass of water."

"What are those pills?"

"It's only Tylenol; it will help."

"But I don't have a headache."

"Not now you don't but tomorrow you will."

I take the pills and drink the whole glass of water before handing her back the empty glass. She places the glass down on the counter and I freeze when she grabs ahold of the front of my jeans.

"What are you doing?"

"You left your pants hanging wide open Jace; I'm just trying to help you."

I swat her hands away from my pants and bend over to take them off; I nearly fall over when I kick my pants across the living room floor.

"I can't sleep with my jeans on. I usually sleep naked. How about you Hailey do you sleep naked?"

"You can't go to sleep yet Jace; you are still too drunk. Why don't you go sit on the couch and I will get you some more water."

I stumble towards the couch and when I sit down some of the dizziness I feel in my head goes away. Hailey hands me another glass of water before she sits down on the metal folding chair. She is quite as I slowly finish the glass of water and she gets up and brings me another full glass before taking her seat again. By the time I finish the third glass of water my dizziness is gone and I only feel a slight buzz instead of a full on drunk.

"You never answered my question you know."

"What question Jace?"

"I asked you if you slept naked."

"No, Jace I do not sleep naked."

"Why not? It's freeing." I giggle.

"I just don't."

"What do you sleep in then?"

"A t-shirt usually."

"Do you wear just the t-shirt or do you wear underwear too?"

"Jace you are being really perverted right now." She can't seem to hide her amusement.

"So you keep leering at me and you can't hide your smile over there."

"I am not leering at you."

"Yes you are. You can't keep those green eyes of yours off my bare chest. Come sit with me Hailey."

"No Jace."

"Please…it's my birthday."

"Not anymore it's not. Look at the clock; its two minutes after midnight."

"My friend Emma said I was supposed to go out and get some on my birthday."

"Get some what?"

"Come here and I'll show you."

"Why are you doing this Jace? What happened to just being friends?"

"We can still be friends. I want you and I know you want me so come to bed with me."

I stand up and hold my hand out to her and she smiles as she slips her hand into mine. The two of us are quiet as I take all of her clothes off and push her down on my bed before kicking my boxers off and sliding on top of her naked body. Our noses bump a few times before our lips finally connect and I stop kissing her as soon my lips touch hers. I might still have alcohol flowing in my system but I have never felt this uncoordinated kissing someone. Kissing her feels…off somehow…but I have to try. My heart is pounding and I clamp my eyes shut and try again; this time I shut my mind off and just feel her soft lips against mine as our kiss deepens. This time when I kiss her it's better than the first time but no matter how hard I try; her lips just don't seem to sync up with mine. She slides her fingers into my hair as she wraps her long legs around my hips; a low groan escapes my mouth when I press my shaft against her center. Lust begins to take over my body and I want to just give into that feeling; I give up on trying to synchronize our kissing and pull my mouth off of hers.

Her soft skin feels warm under my touch and when she starts to grind her hips underneath me I can't control the moans that come out of my mouth. It's been so long since I have heard and seen the signs of pleasure that I can give to another person. Her body is alive underneath mine as I start to nibble and suck at the skin behind her ear. Once again I try to shut my mind off from everything I know; I try to focus on how I used to feel and think when I would find some random girl at the club and take her to the bathroom for a quick fuck. I need this so bad right now; I have been so pent up for so long and my body needs this. Her voice is low and throaty when she whispers in my ear.

"Please Jace…please I want you…please."

She moans loudly as I push my length into her and I begin to thrust into her at a steady pace. I fight hard to ignore the fact that I am not wearing protection but pure desperation drives me to continue. I am so damn desperate to feel something besides pain and anger all the time; this feels like some kind of tragic ending to my own existence. This single moment can either break me completely or magically heal me…I have to try…

Even though I am trying my hardest to shift the feeling of pain and anger into something else; desire does not fill my body like I need it too. Hailey is lost in her own pleasure right now but even though I increase my pace; the release that my body desperately needs doesn't seem to be nearing at all. For a split second I think about flipping her over and fucking her hard from behind just so I don't have to look at her; just so I don't have to feel her foreign and unsatisfying touch but that would not give me what I so desperately want…I have to try… As I rock into her; all I can see is a pair of green eyes behind my closed eyes. Not Hailey's light green eyes but these eyes are a darker emerald green; these eyes belong to the girl that owns my heart. Hot tears pour down my face as my body begins to shake as those haunting dark green eyes burn into my soul with that familiar icy glare of anger and disappointment that I know all too well; overwhelming pain and shameful betrayal takes over and I collapse on top of Hailey as I begin to sob loudly.

"C-Claryyyy….I'm so sorry…oh god…what have I done…I'm so fucking sorry…Claryyyy…"

I roll off of Hailey and fall onto the floor of my bedroom and start to craw towards the door; Hailey grabs my shoulders to stop me from leaving the room.

"Jace, it's okay. Please don't cry."

"It's not okay…how could I do this to her? How could I do this to you? You…you are such a sweet girl and you deserve to have someone who will love you…I'm not that person…I can't ever be that person…my heart isn't even in my chest anymore…she took it…she took it with her when she left me…it's not fair…I lost her too…my heart was broken too…but she didn't even try to stay and fix it together…losing her hurt me too…I hate what she did to me…I love her…I wanted her too…I hate her…she owns my heart…I love her so fucking much…"

"Jace you sound like you are talking about two different people; I'm confused."

I sit up and look at her as my mouth hangs open from all the shit that just spilled out of my mouth. I grab my boxer shorts and pull them on before pulling one of my t-shirts out and hand it to her to put on. She pulls my shirt over her naked body and her eyes are still full of confusion when she looks at me. Relief washes over me when I don't see the look of rejection in her eyes; all I see is the look of concern. I sink down on the edge of my bed and sigh loudly as I prepare to tell her things I thought I'd never tell her.

"I fell in love with a girl named Clary…she made me feel things I have never felt before…before her all I did was fuck random girls without even really feeling anything but Clary was different…she was so sweet and so pure and so damn good…yet at the same time as she was sweet she could also be strong and intense and aggressive and…so damn jealous that it was almost funny…she had so much raw passion…her passion and her intensity was startling…what was even more startling was when I realized that everything she was and everything she did was a reflection of how I was…looking at her was as though I was looking into a mirror or seeing a photograph of my own soul…all it took was a single brush of her lips and my entire world changed…one single kiss from this red haired angel and my life would never be the same…I knew instantly that I would do anything in my power to have her all to myself for the rest of my life…to take her hand in mine and just disappear to some fairy tale land where no one and nothing could touch us…I thought I was the luckiest person on the earth because she actually loved me too…"

My eyes were glued to the floor as the words that I thought would be so hard to say seemed to flow like a gentle stream out of my mouth…but now as I try to find the words to finish my story it feels like I might choke. Of course reliving all the good parts would come out so easily…it's reliving the darkness that comes after that I am struggling to find the right words. I glance at Hailey and when she gives me an encouraging smile it's enough to get the jumbled words in my head to form the proper sentence's to finish my story. I take a deep breath and begin…

"Clary got pregnant right after we started dating and at first we were scared to death…at first I was so…angry…I have never told anyone this before…but when I found out that there was this living being growing inside of the girl that I loved with all my heart…I wanted it to go away…I didn't want Clary to have something growing inside of her that might make her love for me lessen…because you know that old saying about you never truly love until you hold your own child in your hands…I didn't want Clary to love something or someone more than she loved me…it was selfish of me to feel that way but I still felt it…I fought hard against my inner demons and with time I came to the conclusion that Clary's love wouldn't be the only persons love to change because of this life growing inside of her…my love would change as well because the life growing inside of her was a life that I helped create…after all the fear and uncertainty about how Clary and I's future would be because of this unborn child came into focus better; happiness and joy took over…we were so excited…we were going to have a baby girl…I asked Clary to marry me…not because she was pregnant but because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her…when Clary was seven months pregnant she got into a car accident and that accident took our baby girl from us…she was so perfect…such a little angel…we named her Heather Rayne…losing our baby broke something inside of us…Clary shut me out…she barley spoke to me and when she did I felt like a burden to her…I tried to be patient with her but she felt like I pushed her too much…she didn't want me to tell her I loved her anymore…I was sleeping on the floor…it hurt so much that she wouldn't let me touch her…to just hold her hand or hug her…just when I thought we had a little break through; I woke up to find her engagement ring sitting on top of her goodbye letter."

"Jace…I'm so sorry she left you…I'm so sorry that you both lost your daughter…I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you…how hard it must still be."

"I'm sorry I fucked up my friendship with you."

"You didn't. I already messed up our friendship up the day I fell in love with you."

"Shit…you're in love with me?"

"Yes Jace; I have been in love with you since you walked me home that first night we had dinner after the museum. After you told me you could only ever be my friend. After I agreed to just be your friend but I can't help how I feel about you. I told myself that I would be happy just to have you in my life. I told myself that maybe with time you would learn to love me someday; I guess I was wrong about that last part huh?"

"I'm sorry Hailey. I didn't know for sure but I kind of thought maybe you felt that way about me and please believe me when I tell you that I wish I could feel the same way. I wish I could stop loving her because you make me almost feel happy sometimes; you make me laugh and you are so good for me in so many ways. I have been trying so hard to get the courage to try to wrap my brain around being more than just your friend and tonight after having too much to drink and before it was too late I tried but it didn't work."

"What do you mean before it was too late?"

The truth is everything I just told this beautiful girl is the truth. I really wish I could find a way to love her. I really wish I could find a way to stop loving Clary. Tonight was my last chance to see if I could be with Hailey because I thought that if I could feel something for her and stop feeling something for Clary; I would go to Idris and let the clave strip my marks. I was willing to change everything I have ever known if it meant I could be even slightly happy again; if it meant I could feel something besides pain and sadness all the time. I can't explain these things to her because she is a mundane and mundane's aren't supposed to know about shadowhunters. So I tell her the next best thing I can think of.

"Before someone else came along and fell in love with you."

"Is that why you said those things to Steven?"

"At the time I don't think I meant it that way; at the time I was just being an asshole but maybe that's why I said those things to him. I'm sorry he hurt you but I'm not sorry for making him mad enough to bring out his ugly side. If you would have continued to stay with him and I wasn't around when he let his ugly out he could have really hurt you."

"I wasn't in my right mind when I said some of those things to you. I don't want to be with Steven; I just wanted to try to be with someone else because I couldn't be with you. I know I don't deserve to have someone smack me around and I have no intentions of going anywhere near him again."

"I understand if this is too hard for you Hailey. I understand if you don't want to see me anymore."

"Jace I might have feeling for you that you will never return but that doesn't mean I don't want to still be your friend. I couldn't imagine not seeing you ever again. Tonight was…well…I might need a few days to get past what happened between us but that doesn't mean I don't want to see you anymore."

"I really did try you know."

"I know but she's still with you and until you find a way to let her go then you can never be with another person."

"I know and maybe someday I can find a way to let her go but I don't think she will be leaving my head anytime soon. I'm glad I told you; now that you know I think you and I can still be friends if you are being truthful when you say you can put those feelings aside."

"I know I can. I couldn't before but now that I know the truth I am content to just have you as friend."

"Can I have a hug from my friend right now or would that be too much to ask for too soon?"

Hailey gets up and walks over to me as I stand up and she gives me a warm hug. I watch her put her jeans on and gather the rest of her things before I walk her to the front door.

"Get some sleep Jace. You should drink a glass of water and take two Tylenol as soon as you get up."

"I will, I promise. Thank you for taking such good care of me and thank you for being so understanding. You take as much time as you need and I'll answer when you call okay."

"Thanks Jace. For what it's worth; happy birthday."

"Goodnight Hailey."

"Night Jace."

After I empty my bladder; I flop onto my bed and hope that Hailey will find a way to get past what we did tonight and call me in few days. I end up crying myself to sleep over the guilt I feel for cheating on Clary.


	22. Chapter 22

**Song List For This Chapter…**

**Heavy In Your Arms - Florence &amp; The Machine**

**Light It Up - OneRepublic**

**Breathe Again - Art Of Dying**

**Distant Memory - The Xcerts**

**Had Enough - Breaking Benjamin**

**Snuff - Slipknot**

**Madness - Muse ((Love this band))**

**The End - Jezabels**

**This Pobably Won't End Well - All That Remains**

**Safe With Me - Sam Smith**

**Hairline Fracture - Rise Against**

**You Don't Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison - My Chemical Romance**

TWO DAYS LATER

It's almost eleven-thirty in the morning on a Thursday and I am bored out of my mind. I have cleaned my tiny apartment; I have organized the canned goods in my cupboard and refolded all the towels in my bathroom. It's been two days since I have heard from Hailey and I wish she would at least send me a text or something. I wish this restless feeling would go away; I am half tempted to go to the institute and spend the rest of the day training for something to do. I called Simon but he didn't answer his phone; I sent Izzy a text but she didn't respond. Alec and Magnus are in Albany for the day and other than tagging along with Alec and Izzy for patrol tonight I have nothing to do. My problem is that I keep replaying what happened between Hailey and I the night of my birthday; I am so racked with guilt that it makes my stomach hurt. Not only do I feel like I betrayed the girl that owns my heart but now I fear that I have fucked up my friendship with Hailey.

After I take a shower and get dressed; I flop on the couch to watch Netflix since Hailey left her laptop here. I thought about using her laptop as an excuse to call her because she never goes anywhere without the damn thing; I decided not to though because I told her that I would wait for her to reach out to me first. A knock at my door wakes me up from my nap on the couch and when I stand up I have a crick in my neck from sleeping in an awkward position for so long; the clock on the wall tells me it's almost seven at night. Shit, I will be wide awake for most of the night since I slept so long. There is another knock at my door and I almost forgot there was someone here. When I open my door there is a familiar pair of light green eyes looking at me.

"Ashley? What are you doing here?"

"I'm really sorry to bother you Jace but could I come in?"

"It's no bother at all. Please come in. Is everything okay? Are you here to pick up Hailey's laptop?"

I watch as Ashley glances around my small apartment; she takes a moment to look at the couch as though she is thinking about setting down but she lets out a small breath and turns to look at me without setting down; her light green eyes are moist. I take two steps towards her and reach my arms out to try to comfort her; she raises her hand up to stop me from getting any closer. I must have really fucked up with Hailey if she sent her sister here to talk to me. Hailey must not want to even speak to me anymore; let alone look at me. The fact that Ashley has tears in her eyes and refused to let me comfort her tells me that I really did fuck up with Hailey.

"Ashley…I…look you need to hear me out…I never meant to…"

"Hailey is dead Jace."

Ashley's words were weakly spoken and after she said them she dropped to the floor onto her knees where she begins to gasp loudly for air. I feel like I have frozen to a solid block of ice; my legs won't move and I don't think I am even breathing anymore. Dead? Hailey? How could this have happened? Is this some kind of fucked up joke?

"What do you mean she's dead? How…what happened?"

Ashley takes a few minutes to control her crying and when she looks at me with the same eyes that Hailey has a shudder runs through my body.

"I hadn't heard from her for three days and that is just not like her. Hailey at least takes the time to send me a quick good morning text every day. I decided to not put too much thought into her silence but when her friend Melony called me and told me that Hailey hasn't been at school and that her job was looking for her; I started to get worried. I tried to call her phone but just got sent strait to voicemail; I left the hospital and went to her apartment. Her door was locked and she wouldn't answer my knocking; I used my key to get in. I found her apartment trashed and when I went into her bedroom she was laying across her bed; her eyes were open and I knew right then and there she was gone."

"Did you call the police?"

"I dialed 911 as soon as I found her. I found Steven in the bathroom while I was waiting for 911 to get there."

"What do you mean you found Steven in the bathroom?"

"He hung himself. I found the note at his feet. He said that he has loved Hailey for three years and someone tried to take her away from him. He said that she belonged to him and that he would rather her be dead than to see her with someone else. Jace he beat her so badly before he killed her. The medical examiner said she was raped and tortured before he killed her. I don't understand any of this. She only started dating this guy and what is he talking about someone taking her away from him? You are the only other male that she even spends time with so I think he must have been mistaken."

"It was me…I let him think that Hailey and I were more than just friends."

"What do you mean?"

"He came here to my apartment on my birthday and Hailey was asleep in my bed and I answered the door with a towel on; he put two and two together and flipped out. He punched me and accused me of being intimate with her; I was so angry at him for how he upset her earlier and I ended up telling him that if he would do his job right then she wouldn't need to find it elsewhere."

"Jace, I thought you and my sister were just friends. She never even said anything more was going on between the two of you."

"There wasn't; we were only just friends. I just said those things to Steven because I knew it would make him mad; I wanted him to breakup with Hailey and leave her alone; he wasn't good for her. Hailey woke up right in the middle of our argument and it all happened so fast."

"What did? What all happened so fast Jace?"

"I tried to go to Hailey to explain what was going on but Steven knocked me down from behind; he managed to slap her face and start choking her before I could get him off of her. I beat him bloody and threw him out of my apartment; I watched him crawl towards the elevator."

"Then what happened?"

"I got dressed and her and I went to dinner with everyone else then we all went to a concert. I had a lot to drink at the concert and Hailey helped me get home; she took care of me. Caregiving must run in your families blood Ashley because she took such good care of me; just like you took care of…anyway she brushed my teeth; she cleaned my face and hands; she took my puke splattered clothes off; she made me take Tylenol and forced me to drink glass after glass of water; she said it would help me feel better the next day. By the time I took her to my room I was almost completely sober."

"What do you mean you took her to your room?"

"Ashley, you know my history…you know the pain and suffering I went through…I don't know how you managed to keep it all from your sister…"

"It's called privacy Jace; it wasn't my business to repeat. Trust me there were so many times that I wanted to tell my sister to be careful with you. I knew what you went through at the hospital; I don't know what happened after she was discharged but when I ran into you at the gas station that day…well I decided that something must have happened between you and Clary…for what it's worth Jace; I am truly sorry for your pain…please tell me what happened when you took my sister into your room."

"I want you to know how much I care for your sister…she makes me laugh…she makes me almost feel happy sometimes…I almost forgot what happiness feels like…I saw the way Hailey looked at me all the time…she…"

"She loved you Jace. Her and I got into a bit of an argument when she told me how she felt about you. She told me that she would never act on her feeling for you because you told her you just wanted friendship from her."

"That's true, I did only want to be her friend but you need to understand how desperate I feel all the time. I am so damn tired of feeling this ache in my chest…I am so damn tired of feeling so much hate towards some one that took my heart with them when they left me…I just wanted to try…I wanted to try to feel something besides hate and pain all the time…things between your sister and I went a little too far that night and I will forever be sorry for that…I stopped when I realized that what I was doing was not only wrong but would never change the way I felt…it would never take that pain and hate away from me…I felt terrible for putting Hailey in the middle of my fucked up emotional state…we talked for a while and she said that she still wanted to be my friend. When she left my apartment that night we hugged each other and she told me that she would get ahold of me in a few days; she said she needed a little time to get over what happened between the two of us but that she still wanted to be my friend."

"That's the last time you saw her or heard from her then?"

"Yes, she left here around one-thirty in the morning."

"According to the coroner's report; Hailey's time of death was around four in the morning. So he must have been in her apartment waiting for her to come home."

"I would have never let her leave here if I had known what she would have gone home to. I knew Steven was slightly off but considering that they were only dating for such a short period of time; I would have never expected him to do something like this to her."

"Jace, you can't beat yourself up over what happened. None of us knew what kind of person Steven really was. The police searched his house and found some disturbing things there. He must have had nearly two thousand pictures of Hailey; he was stalking her for almost three years. He had items that belonged to Hailey from the past three years. One of the policemen showed me a few pictures of the things he had of hers and I was shocked. There was this pink sweater that Hailey fell in love with at the mall almost two years ago; she treated herself and bought it. She only got to wear it maybe three times when it just disappeared one day. I remember she got into a huge fight with our mother about it. She was convinced that our mother somehow ruined the sweater when she washed it and that mom must have felt so bad about it; that she threw it away. But mom didn't throw it away…he took it…Steven took that stupid pink sweater…Jace…my baby sister is gone…she had so much going for her and he took it all away."

I must have spent nearly an hour holding Ashely to my chest as she cried over the loss of her sister; as much as I wanted to allow my own tears to fall; I kept them in as I held her. Once she calmed down a little bit; I walked her home and she filled me in on the funeral arrangements for Hailey. I promised Ashley that I would attend the services for Hailey but I don't know if I can keep that promise. I would never not go on purpose but the day of Hailey's funeral is the same day (two days from now) that I am to portal to Idris for my Ceremony; I will receive a few marks and be deemed as an official adult shadowhunter under the eye of the clave.

It's a little after ten when I find myself standing outside of Alec's bedroom at the institute. My room…the room that I shared so many memories with her; it's almost pulling me towards it. I also feel the urge to visit the room that was once the nursery for my daughter; it's not there anymore; Alec took all that away from me in a few short hours. I choke back the bile that rises to the back of my throat; the bile is bitter to match the way I feel towards Alec for taking my daughters room away from me. I clamp my eyes shut and breathe deeply for a few moments before I turn the handle on my brothers bedroom door. I find Alec asleep in his bed; he has training in the morning (so do I actually) and he always was one to make sure to get a good night's sleep.

Alec wasn't happy about me waking him up but after I explained what happened to Hailey and that I needed his help convincing the clave to either bump up my ceremony by a day or push it back by a day; he agreed to help me. I am sitting on the edge of Alec's bed waiting for him to return from the library; he is contacting the clave to see what he can do to help. After almost an hour goes by; he finally returns to his bedroom; he gives me the ghost of a smile when he sits down beside me.

"Well it took me a little bit to convince them to move your ceremony but they decided to move your ceremony to next Saturday instead of this Saturday."

"Thank you Alec; you have no idea how much this means to me. I would be sick if I couldn't go to her funeral."

"Do you need me to go with you?"

"No but you are welcome to go; I wouldn't stop you from going; I know you were fond of Hailey."

"We all were Jace. Hailey was good for you…she made you laugh…she made you smile…the rest of us couldn't not be fond of her for what she has done for you."

"She really liked all of you too; especially Magnus; she really got a kick out of his sense of fashion."

"As much as I and I'm sure Izzy, Simon and Magnus would like to attend her funeral; maybe we shouldn't because it might be too much for her family to have too many people there. I will go with you if you need me to though."

"You might be right about her family thinking there are too many people at her funeral; so maybe you all shouldn't go."

"But they would understand if you need me there for support Jace."

"I don't though. Need you that is; I don't need you to hold my hand Alec."

"Jace I think maybe you are still in shock from all of this so if you change your mind and want me to go with you; I will definitely go to the funeral with you."

"I'm not in shock Alec. I can go alone. Thank you for offering though and thank you for helping me with the clave."

"I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or anything but have you even cried over the loss of your friend yet Jace?"

"No."

"Then you must still be in shock because I was nowhere near as close to her as you were and I am having trouble keeping myself together."

"I'm tired of crying Alec…I'm tired of feeling this fucked up mixture of pain, hate, loss, and fucking numbness in my chest every damn day. I want it to go away…I wish the numbness would just take over full force already so I don't have to feel anything else…I'm so damned tired of feeling this shit every day."

"You think I don't know that Jace? You think I don't feel what you feel every day?"

"I know you do and that's all the more reason why I want to stop feeling this way. I hate that you have to feel what I feel. I see what my suffering is doing to you; I see the bags under your eyes every time I look at you; I watch you lose your appetite right along with me when I am having a particularly bad day. I am trying so hard Alec; every day I try…every day I force myself to get out of bed and fight just to get through that one day. Every night I lay in bed and find different ways to make myself fall asleep; only to wake from dreams that I don't want to have anymore; yet at the same time I would be heartbroken to not have those dreams. Dreaming of her is the only way I can have her and if that's all I get then I will take it."

"I'm so sorry Jace; I wish there was something I could do to take your pain away."

It takes all the strength I have inside of me not to punch him in the face right now. It takes all my strength not to scream at him; to scream at him for taking her away from me; to scream at him for not telling me where she is. On one hand I view my brother as an angel for doing what he feels is right for both her and I in this situation; on the other hand I view him as the worst demon I have ever met for the torture he puts me through every day by not telling me where she is. I want to beat him until he tells me where she is; I want to get down on my knees and beg him to tell me where she is. I want to hug him and thank him for the way he loves her and the lengths he has gone to and will continue to go to, to protect her; to ultimately try to protect me.

"I need to get a few things from my old room if that's alright Alec."

"It's not your old room; that room will always belong to you. You don't need anyone's permission to go in there."

"Okay…I'll see you in the training room at nine then."

"Jace you don't have to train tomorrow."

"I will see you in the morning. Goodnight Alec."

"Goodnight Jace…"

I leave my parabitai's room and take my time walking towards my bedroom; I stand at the door with my stele in my hand and I feel frozen. It feels like a life time ago since I used my stele to lock this door so no one would go in here. With a sigh; I press my stele against the hard wood of my door and trace the rune to unlock it. When I step into my room; it looks just the way I left it. The bed is unmade and there is a pillow lying on the floor. My razor and deodorant are in the same spot on the sink in my bathroom and the last towel I used is still draped over the curtain rod on my shower. I take my suit out of the closet and lay it on the unmade bed. I stand there and stare at the bed that I have made love to Clary in so many times that I have lost count; my stomach begins to ache painfully as flashes of the first time, the twentieth time, the hundredth time that our bodies have been so tangled in these rumpled sheets that we were no longer two separate people but one.

I shake my head and turn to my dresser so I can locate my cufflinks that go to my suit; once I find them; I shove them into my pants pocket. Once again I find myself drifting back into another memory of her as I look at the mirror on my dresser. My first thought is the day I smashed that mirror when I trashed my room; the second though I have is of the day I hurt her belly by trying to seduce her as she bent over this very dresser and applied lip gloss to her full lips. The next thing I know; I am frantically digging through all the drawers in my room. I check the closet; then I go into the bathroom and start opening the drawers in there in the same frantic rush…suddenly I stop when my fingers curl around a simple black hair tie that I find in the medicine cabinet…there are a few of her red hairs knotted around the hair tie…I cup the hair tie in my palm and hold it to my nose and inhale deeply…there it is…the faint smell of her shampoo…the kind she used to use before she started to use mine…but it's not just her old shampoo I smell…I smell her…the sweet and intriguing scent of my beautiful green eyed girl.

I shove the hair tie into my pocket and go to the night stand beside the bed to pull out her goodbye letter so that I can read the words that I already have burned into my head. I just want to see her handwriting. I absently twist her engagement ring between my fingers as I read her letter over and over again.

When I get back to my apartment I feel exhausted and after I take a quick shower I flop onto my bed and fall asleep almost immediately. The next morning I wake up with a smile on my face because of the dream I was having. I dreamed that I was in Idris and it was a beautiful day out as I walked towards the center of town. I was standing at the fountain looking into the cool water as people went about their busy day. There were children running and laughing and there were women ducking in and out of the shops. There is a young couple on the other side of the fountain exchanging sweet kisses and gentle words. Her voice is so soft in my ears that it sounds like the wind and I almost don't turn around; I try to convince myself that I am only imagining the sound of her sweet voice in my ears but then I feel electricity spark across my skin as she places her hand on my lower back. I turn around to see the most beautiful girl in the world; yet she looks different somehow; her soft face is more defined somehow and her red hair falls to the very bottom of her back instead of just below her shoulders. Her snug fitting dress shows off her curvy hips and her fuller chest; her creamy skin is radiant as it stretches over the muscles of her legs.

Her full lips curve up into the sweet smile that she only ever gives to me and her small hand feels warm against my cheek. Her touch is always so magnetic; my lips kiss the inside of her palm as she smiles up at me with her emerald green eyes. I woke up after her full lips spoke the words that make me melt in to a puddle of goo every time she says them: I LOVE YOU JACE WAYLAND.

Once I get to the training room at the institute I find Alec setting up the flipping ropes and Izzy is standing near the stereo texting on her phone; her mouth curves up into a grin as she stares at the screen.

"Good morning Alec, good morning Izzy."

Alec mumbles a good morning to me and Izzy quickly makes her way towards me; her dark eyes are sad when she stops hugging me. I hold her face in my hands and gently kiss her forehead.

"I'm okay little sister."

"You'll let me know if there is anything you need?"

"There is something I kind of…well not really need but I still want to know."

"What is it Jace?"

"Did you get things sorted out with Simon?"

"I'm still mad at you for what you did at Elmo's you know."

"I know…what happened when you left?"

"Simon and I talked about a lot of things. Did you know he was in love with me?"

"Yes, I did. How about you? Do you love him?"

"Yes and frankly I hate it…I hate that I love him because there is only so much time I have with him and the thought of letting him go makes me sick."

"Try not to dwell on all the negative things Iz, just love him and let him love you. Just enjoy every day you spend with him no matter what because you never know what day will be your last. I don't want you to wake up one day and regret a single missed moment; life's too short to wait for the things you want the most."

"When did you get so wise Jace Wayland?"

I don't answer her question; instead I pull her in for a hug and after I let her go I walk across the room to begin my stretches. The reason why I didn't answer her question is because I am not wise; yet I am experienced in love and loss. Even if everything happened the exact same way over and over again with Clary and she left me again and again no matter how I could or would do things differently; I would relive it a million times because the time I had with her I will cherish for the rest of my life. I will never regret loving that green eyed girl.

My day in the training room is a quiet one and the silence is heavy in the room. Izzy never came back after we broke for lunch and when it was just Alec and I in the room for the rest of the day I asked him nicely to not talk. I told him I just needed to focus on the training and that I didn't want anything else in my head for the rest of the day. He just nodded in agreement and the two of us didn't speak for the rest of the day.

The next morning I am dressed in a suit that is beginning to feel too familiar to me. This is the suit I wore to my daughter's funeral as well as Sandra's and now I am wearing it to my dead friend's funeral. Why do I keep losing such important females in my life? I decide to walk the nine blocks to the funeral home so that I can keep my head clear as I attempt to enjoy the nice weather. A vibration in my pocket stops me from walking and when I look at the caller ID; I see that it's Simon calling. I push the talk button on my phone and say hello to him.

"Good morning Simon; how are you today?"

"_Morning Jace; I'm doing well. How are you? Are you on your way?"_

"I'm only a few block away but I have a few minutes to talk. What's up?"

"_I just wanted to tell you thank you for everything with Izzy. The night of your birthday the two of us had a really good talk and I don't really know what you said to her yesterday but she is so different now; thank you for that Jace."_

"You don't have to thank me Simon; just be happy."

"_I really am happy. I love your sister so much Jace and I promise to always be good to her."_

"I know you will."

"_I wish you could find a way to be happy again."_

"Me too Simon…maybe someday…look I kind of need to get off the phone now but maybe I could catch up with you after the funeral if you aren't busy."

"_I don't have anything special planned for the day and I would really enjoy seeing you. I'm hoping you will make me feel like shit for missing an amazing concert on your birthday."_

"No, nothing like that but I am going to go to LA tomorrow morning to spend some time with Emma before I go to Idris next Saturday for my Ceremony. I just want to see you for a bit before I leave the city for the next week."

"_I'll be home all day so just come over when you are ready."_

"Talk to you later Simon."

"_Bye Jace."_

Hailey's funeral was painfully long due to her Catholic background; those Catholics really know how to stretch things out don't they? I have studied so many religions throughout my life and now realize that no matter what title you give yourself at the end of the day it's about believing in something that you will probably never have the pleasure of really seeing or even feeling. It's the faith in that greater being that keeps you believing in the unknown and I find that comforting as I make my way towards Simon's apartment to tell him goodbye. I don't stay long at Simon's but was able to tell him and my sister that I love them and that I am happy that they have each other before I say my goodbyes.

I am still wearing my suit when I get to Magnus apartment to say similar things to him and my brother before I tell them goodbye as well. When I get home I finally take off my suit and after I shower and dress in my normal clothes I take my suit and Clary's goodbye letter up to the roof of my building. I allow a few silent tears to slip off my cheeks as I watch the suit and the letter burn; before the fire goes out I pull out the tiny pair of socks and shoes that I took out of my crumpled car and toss them into the flames before finally tossing in the stuffed frog and watch them all burn into a small pile off ashes. It's after midnight by the time I crawl into my bed and when I wake up the next morning I quickly throw a few things into a duffle bag so I can portal to LA. I only have one more person to visit before I leave this city; I need to see my baby girl. I spend a good hour at Heather's grave site and whisper to the clouds before I kiss her headstone and tell her goodbye. I find myself smiling as walk back towards the institute; I am looking forward to spending the next week with the female version of myself; my dear friend Emma always helps me feel grounded when I feel like I am spinning out of control. I need to see Emma's smiling face and smell the scent of sunshine in her hair when I hug her. I need to spend precious time with her before I can get the strength up to tell her goodbye as well.

By Friday night I have managed to have a relaxing week in LA with Emma and after I tell her goodbye I leave her apartment; she thinks I am on my way to the institute to portal to Idris so I can get a good night's sleep before my ceremony tomorrow. I asked her not to come to the institute with me; I told her she would make me too emotional and that I just wanted to keep my good mood going when I left. I feel a small pang of guilt for lying to her because I am not standing in front of the portal; right now I am sitting in the sand and staring into the ocean as I twist Clary's engagement ring around the tip of my pinky finger.

I raise my face up to the cool night air and look up into the stars. If there is any kind of higher power that will judge me for the sin I am about to commit then I am praying hard that I will be forgiven. I pray that the people I love the most will find a way to understand the pain that I can bear no longer. I pray that maybe wherever I go when I breathe my last breath of air that just maybe I will get to see my baby girl again; even if only just for a short enough moment so that I can kiss her sweet face and smell her soft baby scent. I pray that my maker will somehow find an ounce of mercy on my broken soul. I take the time to strap the chains tightly around my ankles as well as secure the other end to the two cinder blocks. I still have Clary's engagement ring snuggly fit over my pinky finger as I carry the two cinder blocks towards the gentle night waves of the ocean; a sense of calm blankets my body when the water slides over my bare feet.

I close my golden eyes and whisper an unheard goodbye to my green eyed girl. My eyes are still closed as I begin to walk further into the water; I am waist deep into the ocean when a searing pain in my shoulder and neck takes the breath right out of me and I drop the cinder blocks into the water. I clench my fist against the pounding pain in my chest as my breathing starts to come out in loud gasp; hot tears streak down my face as a single name slips from my lips….ALEC

It takes all my strength to drag my weighted legs far enough to the shore so I can remove the chains. Once I am free of the chains; I run faster than I ever thought possible towards the LA institute. When I step into the library of the New York institute I find Izzy crying.

"Where is he? Where is Alec?

"He's at Magnus's. Why Jace? Why would you even think to do something like that?"

Confusion clouds my mind when my sister hugs my waist; my jeans are still wet from the ocean. I pull Izzy away from my chest and look into her sad dark eyes.

"I don't understand what you are saying Izzy. I need to get to Alec; something is wrong…my rune…my parabitai rune…something feels wrong."

Izzy takes my hand as the two of us bolt out of the institute and her long legs keep up with my fast paced sprint towards Magnus's apartment. Magnus looks pissed when he opens the door; I ignore his glare and shove my way into his apartment.

"Where is my brother? ALEC! ALEC WHERE ARE YOU?"

"He's in my bedroom; he's resting now. I blame you for this Jace Wayland."

"Blame me? What are you talking about? What happened to him?"

Your brother; your friend; you parabitai…my beautiful blue eyes shadowhunter got up off the couch a half an hour ago and walked into the kitchen and slit both of his wrists wide open because of you. He fought me for almost fifteen minutes before he would let me heal his wounds. I only just got done cleaning the blood off my kitchen floor. Do you know why he cut his wrists Jace Wayland? Do you know why he fought me for nearly fifteen minutes before he would let me heal him Jace Wayland? Listen closely you selfish little bastard…he felt you…he felt what you were about to do…you were going to take your own life you selfish, stupid boy…he was desperate to save you…he knew he had to be near death before you would feel the chords of your parabitai rune begin to snap and break because of his heavy blood loss. Damn you Jace Wayland for doing that to him…damn you Jace Wayland for making me have to watch that…damn you Jace Wayland for almost taking the love of my life away from me.

THE NEXT MORNING

I feel someone brush my hair off of my face and when I raise my face up off of Magnus's mattress; I see my brother looking at me with the ghost of a smile on his pale face.

"Jace…you're okay…"

"I'm so sorry Alec. Please forgive me."

"Why won't you talk to me? Why would you think what you were going to do was a good idea?"

"Say's the idiot that slit his wrists wide open. You always have to steal my thunder don't you Alec?"

"I can be a little dramatic at times but at least what I did stopped you." Alec chuckles.

"Magnus hates me now."

"No he doesn't; he's just hurt. He doesn't understand why you would want to take your own life either. As strange as it sounds; what you did or were about to do only proves that you and I were meant to be parabitai. If you and I didn't have the connection we have then you would have succeeded in killing yourself Jace."

"I'm just so lost Alec…I don't know what to do."

"You just have to keep trying and take it one day at a time. Before Hailey died; you were doing okay and losing her just made you backslide. Honestly if I thought for a single second that telling you where she is would make things better for you; I would tell you but I think if you saw her right now it would only make things worse for you."

"Do you talk to her on a regular basis?"

"Usually once a week or every other week when she's busy."

"Does she ask about me ever?"

"No…but her and I made an agreement that we wouldn't talk about you or the baby or why she left even."

"I understand why you wouldn't tell me but it doesn't hurt to ask; how is she?"

"She's…good…I think, she sounds more like her old self on the phone when I talk to her. You do realize that I am going to have to tell her about this."

"About you cutting your wrists?"

"Well that too but I meant what you did…or was planning on doing."

"Why? I thought you and her agreed not to talk about me."

"Yeah well we also made an agreement that if something major happened then I would tell her or if it was on her end then she would tell me."

"I guess a suicide attempt would fall under the major category."

"Yes it definitely does and losing Hailey too; that also falls under the major category."

"Maybe you shouldn't tell her about Hailey; she might get the wrong idea."

"She already knew you were spending time with Hailey because I told her you were."

"How does…did she feel about me spending time with another girl?"

"She seemed happy about it but she also told me she was worried for you; she thought maybe it was too soon to move on."

"Alec I didn't move on with Hailey; she was just my friend."

"Maybe someday she would have been more than just your friend."

"No…I did try…but it didn't work."

"What do you mean you tried?"

"With Hailey…I tried to be more than just her friend. After the concert…she took me home and she took care of me when I was drunk…when I sobered up…I started flirting with her and I asked her to go to bed with me."

"Did she turn you down?"

"No, she went to bed with me…we were naked…I kissed her…then I stopped kissing her…then I shut my eyes and kissed her again…for a short moment I thought to myself…I can do this…kissing her, touching her was nothing compared to Clary but I was feeling something at least…I actually managed to…um…enter her I guess…but after a short moment…all I could think about was Clary, all I could see was Clary's dark green eyes in my head…I lost it Alec…I fell to the floor and tried to crawl away from Hailey…to crawl away from what I was doing."

"I'm really sorry that it didn't work out for you Jace…maybe it was too soon…maybe someday in the future you will meet another girl and then maybe you can try again."

"Alec…I told myself that if I could be with Hailey…like really be with her and find a way to be happy then I was going to give up everything I have ever known just to feel some kind of happiness again. I told myself that if I could manage to make love to her one time then I could again and again and I was going to go to Idris and have the clave strip my marks so I could really be with Hailey in her world. Fuck I was so desperate that I didn't even think to use protection with her. To be honest I think in the back of my head I didn't want to use protection with her on purpose…as fucked up as it is; I thought to myself; maybe she'll get pregnant; maybe that would make me love her. I am such a fucking idiot."

"You love being a shadowhunter Jace! You would have never went through with getting your marks stripped. This life is what you know and what you love; I don't see you ever walking away from it. By the way you are one hundred percent right about you being a fucking idiot. You of all people should know that having a baby can't make a fucked up relationship suddenly better. I'm not judging you on this; hell, your fucked up thought process only tells me that you are in the wrong state of mind even more than I already thought you were."

"I love Clary more than anything in this world Alec or anyone for that matter. Don't you get it Alec? Without Clary…there is no me…without Clary…nothing makes sense anymore."

"You feel that way now but with time I think you will feel different Jace."

"No I won't…I will love her until my last breath Alec…if there is somewhere we go off to when we leave this earth and I still have her in my heart then I will love her even when I leave this earth."

"If that's true then why would you think killing yourself would make all that go away?"

"I didn't really have the whole afterlife part figured out when I was planning on drowning myself in the ocean…that part didn't come to me until I was sitting here watching you sleep last night."

"See that is exactly why suicide is a stupid idea. The fact that you were weak minded enough to even think killing yourself would be a good idea…well on one hand I am so disappointed in your lack of mental strength…but the truth is I realize that your head isn't where it should be and with that simple fact…I am not disappointed in you, my heart is broken for you Jace."

"At least you have a heart; I don't…she took it with her when she left me."

"You only think she did but your heart is still beating in your chest…Clary didn't take your heart with her when she left…she left because she was afraid that if she stayed…even just one more day…then she would ruin you completely…I know you think you are such a hard ass all the time but the truth is you are probably the most loving person I know…when you decide you love someone; you love them with an all-consuming fierceness…your love for someone is set in stone and final. Clary lost her ability to love…to feel anything really…she knew by staying here; she was only hurting you more everyday…she knew that each day that passed by she was slowly draining the life out of you."

"I have days where I hate her…"

"I understand that completely…hell you hated me for a while…I think even now you still feel hatred towards me for helping Clary but do you know something Jace? I'm not worried for a single second about your love for me even when you do say you hate me because I know at the end of the day you will always love me."

"Of course I love you Alec; I could never not love you."

"Let me ask you something Jace; the day you told me you hated me and then moved out and refused to speak to me for almost two months; how did you decide you wanted to talk to me again?"

"Because I do love you Alec; because even though it's a bitter pill to swallow; I know what you did for Clary you were ultimately doing for me. I still have days where I feel very bitter towards you for taking her away from me; not to mention what you did to my daughter's room; that still fucking hurts when I think about it."

"Yet you still love me; you take your love for me and you hold on to it right?"

"Yes…that's true; I do hold onto my love for you."

"Why can't you do that with Clary?"

"I don't understand what you mean by that Alec."

"All you ever focus on is her leaving you…have you ever even tried to think of it from a different angle? Instead of dwelling on her leaving you; maybe you should keep it in your head that she is out there somewhere just trying to find herself…Clary is trying to find herself again and she is trying to figure out a way to feel again…if you love her like you say you do then you should want those things for her…even if you could never have her again the love you feel for her should be enough for you to want her to find the things she is looking for. You should love her enough to want her to be happy."

"I do want her to be happy Alec but I want her to be here with me; where we can be happy together."

"You may never get that Jace. Clary might find happiness again one day but you might not be part of what makes her happy and you need to find a way to accept that."

"I know I don't have the right to ask you this and you probably won't tell me but is she seeing anyone?"

"Seeing anyone? Are you asking me if Clary is…like dating someone?"

"Yes."

"No Jace, she's not. I would tell you if she were; that is one of the things Clary and I agreed on. If either you or her found someone else then the other one should know about it; that's why I told her you were spending time with Hailey. She knew you and Hailey were only friend but if there was even a slight chance that your friendship could have been more then that's why I told Clary about her. Clary is nowhere near mentally ready to even have…well friendship really…I mean to be honest with you; I think I am the closest thing to a friend to her…what I can tell you about where she is; is that she keeps herself very busy and she also keeps to herself. I am hopeful that one day she will be better and some days I am more hopeful when she seems to be having a good day; then again some days I speak to her she sounds just as lost as she did the day she left here. It's a lot of up and down with her; just like you have a lot of up and down days."

"Alec…I am so sorry for shutting you out…I wish I would have talked to you sooner about all of this because then maybe I wouldn't have had to go through such hell for the past four months. The things you have told me today have made me see things from a different perspective. I do love Clary enough to let go of the hate; to stop focusing on her leaving me; to find a way to focus on her finding her own happiness and then just being happy for her."

"I understand that right now you feel like you could never find a way to love someone else because you love Clary so much. What you need to understand is that it's okay to love Clary for the rest of your life; you don't have to stop loving her. Jace you have to realize that you will never love someone like you love Clary; so when you do…and I know someday you will…someday you will fall in love again with someone else but you will love her differently than you love Clary. You have a big heart and there will always be room to love someone else. Think about it; you love me; you love our sister; you love Simon; you even have to admit that you love Magnus and let's not forget Emma; the way you love Emma is amazing to me. You and Emma are almost the same person so seeing how you love her tells me how much you love your own self Jace. The capacity that a heart has to love is endless."

"Thank you Alec. Thank you for making me see things differently and I will forever be in debt to you for saving my life."

"You have saved my life countless times Jace."

"This is different though. You saved me from myself and I don't think you will ever know how much that means to me."

"It will get easier Jace; you just have to keep trying every day."

"I promise to keep trying."

"Do you also promise to stop shutting me out?"

"Yes, I promise."

"Good…now go find something productive to do with yourself today; losing all that blood yesterday to save your life has me exhausted and I think I might try to get some more sleep."

I stand up and shove Alec over so I can lie down beside him on the bed.

"Did you forget that I feel what you feel brother? I could use a nap too."

"Fine you can take a nap with me but keep your hands to yourself Jace."

I roll over and snuggle my head onto Alec's chest as I grip his waist tightly and let out a small giggle.

"You know you love cuddling with me Alec."

"Fine we can cuddle but try not to drool on me at least."

"I love you Alec."

"Love you too Jace; now shut up and go to sleep."

When I wake up the sun is shining through the window of Magnus's bedroom and right into my eyes. I untangle myself from Alec and get out of bed with a groan as I stretch my tired muscles; I am still feeling the effects from Alec's blood loss as well as the effort I put into dragging my weighted legs out of the ocean. When I walk out into Magnus's living room the clock on the wall tells me it's a little after two in the afternoon; no wonder my stomach is growling; the last time I ate was yesterday at dinnertime with Emma. I asked Emma to make me her famous fish taco's for my last dinner in LA. After everything that has happened over the last almost twenty-four hours; I find myself shuddering at the thought of what I was thinking when I ate my last meal in LA. As I sat there in Emma's kitchen slowly savoring each bite of food in my mouth; I was making the final plans in my head on how I was going to take my own life later that night.

"Are you hungry? I can make you a sandwich if you want."

I turn around to see Magnus standing in the archway of the kitchen; he has a sad smile on his face as he looks at me.

"Magnus…I'm so sorry for what happened last night. I wasn't in my right mind and I will forever be thankful to Alec for saving my life. I owe you a thank you as well; if you wouldn't have been here when he cut his wrists then he may not be alive right now; so thank you for saving my brother."

"I trust that you have a different outlook on suicide now?"

"Yes…it was stupid…it wouldn't have solved anything; taking my own life would have only made things worse."

"Well at least we won't need to lock you up in padded room to keep you safe from now on."

"No, you don't need to worry about me hurting myself; I don't want that. I had a really nice conversation with my parabitai this morning and I have a different perspective on my future now."

"I'm glad you feel that way Jace. You silly beautiful boy…do you have any idea how loved you are?"

"Yes, I do…I think I was just a little lost for a while but I am fighting hard to find my way out of the dark. The love you all have for me will help me get there."

"I've told you that I have dreams that end up being more than just dream right? They end up being a sort of premonition instead of just dreams."

"Yeah I think I remember you telling me about a few of your dreams coming true. Why?"

"I had a dream about a week after Clary left."

"What kind of dream?"

"I dreamed that you were happy and laughing and loving life again. I know deep down in my heart that it wasn't just a simple dream Jace; it was a premonition of your future. You just have to be patient and keep trying every day; you'll get there."

"I think you might be right about your dream not just being a dream Magnus; I have faith that I will find happiness again one day. I just have to take things one day at a time; eventually one day will turn to two and so on and then one day I think I'll wake up one morning and there it will be; happiness."

"Ack…enough of this heavy stuff. How about that sandwich Jace?"

"That would be nice of you Magnus."

"Come along then and I will make you one. I just made coffee if you are interested."

"Yeah…coffee sounds great; thank you."

"Don't thank me; you can get your own damn cup of coffee golden boy. I'm already making you a sandwich; so what more do you want from me?"

"I should have known your sweetness would only last so long Magnus."

I can't help but let out a small chuckle as I watch Magnus laugh hard enough that he ends up dropping the bag of lunchmeat on the floor twice before he can manage to get it on the counter. Magnus ends up making himself a sandwich as well and we both sit and eat in comfortable silence; before the question in my head begins to consume me.

"Can I ask you something Magnus?"

"Sure kid, go ahead."

"I'm an adult now you know."

"Yes and no. You have not completed your ceremony yet so under the eyes of the clave you are not an official adult."

"Since when do you care about the clave and all their official rules?"

"I don't but even after you go through your ceremony; you will still be a kid to me. Remember I am almost eight hundred years old so I am a great judge of character."

"Yet you are madly in love with my brother and he isn't that much older than me you know."

"Oh but he is Jace. Alec has an old soul if you believe in things like that. Number wise yes Alec is indeed young but his mind and his eyes are so much older than his numeric age. You on the other hand are as fresh and young as a new born kitten."

"A kitten? Really Magnus? Can't I be a tiger or a cheetah or some other kind of blood thirsty feline? I think I am way more intimidating than a tiny little kitten."

"You can be a black panther for all I care but I think you understand what I mean."

"Yeah…I guess I do. I still have a lot of growing up to do don't I?"

"Not growing up really; more like living. You still have a lot of living to do before you will be worldly."

"I need to get started on the whole living thing as soon as possible. The last four months I have just been existing and not really living. That's not even true; over half of my life I spent just existing; I only really felt alive when I was with Clary and I need to find a way to live without her. I am ready to start living again Magnus."

"That's good to hear Jace but just so you know you still have a lot of hard days ahead of you; just keep trying."

"I will."

"So did I answer your question or was there something else you wanted to know?"

"I guess my question would be; did you see what it was that made me happy again?"

"Not what; who."

"What do you mean?"

"Someone will enter your life and they will be the reason why you will find happiness again."

"Do you know who it is?"

"I do actually but I'll never tell you; you will just have to wait and see my dear boy."

"Well that was anti-climactic wasn't it?"

"Don't kill the messenger Jace."

"I'm not but I just don't see why you won't tell me. You have my future happiness right in the palm of your hand; yet you refuse to give it to me."

"That's where you are wrong sweetie. I might have had a vivid dream about your future but at the end of the day what happens to you is all up to you. If you decide to turn around and run back into the darkness then that might change your future but if you continue to keep crawling out of the seemingly endless dark tunnel then your happiness will come to you someday."

"Maybe if you gave me a hint then I might get out of that tunnel faster."

"Not going to happen. Those golden eyes of yours might work on some people but they won't work on me."

"Look into my eyes Magnus; look deep."

"You are such a little smart ass."

"You love me though."

"Indeed I do Jace; indeed I do. Your blue eyed parabitai is the reason why I love you. If it weren't for him I wouldn't have anything to do with you or your creepy gold eyes."

"Ouch! Creepy? Really Magnus?"

"Yes really."

"Most people find my eyes fascinating you know."

"Well good for them; I'm not one of them. I prefer dark eye; especially the blue ones."

Magnus winks at me and I just laugh at him. We are both still chuckling when Alec comes shuffling into the kitchen; his dark hair is wild and his useless attempt to smooth it down with his fingers makes me laugh at him. Magnus sees me pointing to the back of Alec's head as he pours himself a cup of coffee and he ends up covering his mouth to hide his amusement. Alec still has his back to the two of us when he starts to talk.

"You two are laughing at my hair aren't you?"

"No not at all darling; Jace and I were just laughing about something else. Did you have a nice nap?"

Alec turns around and after he takes a small sip of his coffee a wide grin spreads across his face. He shuffles across the kitchen and plants a kiss on Magnus's cheek before saying.

"You are a terrible liar Magnus. You would think in your eight hundred years you would learn to be better at deceiving people but I see right through your crappy lies every time."

"Trust me darling I am a master at deceiving people but you are my kryptonite."

"Oh…gag! I am getting the hell out of here before you two start making out on the table."

I rise out of my chair and begin to make my way towards the door to leave but Alec's tight grip on my arm stops me from leaving.

"Where are you going Jace?"

"Home."

"To your apartment?"

"That apartment isn't my home Alec. I am going to the institute where I belong."

Alec doesn't say anything he just hugs me tightly for a moment before nodding his approval. I give his messy hair a quick ruffle of my fingers and then I leave Magnus's apartment. I enjoy the slow walk back towards the institute and somehow the sun that is warming my skin feels different. The warm of the sun is finding its way deeper than just the surface of my skin and I feel my chest swell with an overwhelming sense of calm. I know now that I will find my happiness again someday; I just have to be patient and it will come to me.

I spend the rest of the afternoon sending and receiving fire message from the clave to convince them that my reason for not showing up for my ceremony just couldn't be avoided and after some angry exchanges of words between me and the council; they agreed to make an exception and let me complete my ceremony first thing on Monday morning. I called Alec to let him know I was going to portal to Idris tomorrow evening so I would be able to get to my ceremony on time. He said he would be ready to go along with me but that he was going to stay at Magnus's for the night. Magnus and Izzy are coming to Idris as well and the four of us are going to stay there for a week to enjoy a short holiday; after everything we have all been through we deserve a little time to just relax. I feel like someone else needs to be there in Idris to make this trip feel more complete and I dig my phone out of my pocket and dial the number.

"_I'll let it slide this time Jace but next time you tell me you are going to call me as soon as you get home and forget to do it I will make a special trip just to punch you in the balls."_

"Damn it Emma! You are just too good to me you know. My balls thank you for your mercy."

"_How are you doing today Jace?"_

"Could be better, could be worse. How about you Em? How are you?"

"_I'm great! I caught some killer waves today."_

"What do you have planned for the next week?"

"_Nothing that can't be changed. Why are you coming back to visit? Wait a minute! How are you talking to me on the phone right now? I thought you took the portal to Idris last night. I expected a fire message from you."_

"I was on my way to the portal when something came up. I am at home right now and I will be going to Idris tomorrow evening; I'm completing my ceremony first thing Monday morning."

"_Is everything at home okay?"_

"Yeah things are fine. Look Em, I would really like for you to be at my ceremony and stay in Idris with the four of us for the following week if it's not too much to ask."

"_I'll start packing as soon as I get off the phone. I was hoping you wanted me to attend your ceremony but I didn't want to push you or anything. It really means a lot to me that you want me there and I could use a week in home country_."

"Thank you so much Emma. I want to spend a week in Idris just relaxing and enjoying all my loved ones. I wish the inquisitor wasn't such as stiff old bastard and let Simon come along as well but I will just have to catch up with him when I get back home."

"_We can always smuggle him in."_

"You go right ahead and smuggle a vampire into Idris and I promise to come visit you in jail Emma."

"_Will you bring me food too?"_

"Very funny Emma Carstairs; now hang up the phone and start packing."

"_See you tomorrow Jace."_

"Love you."

"_I love you too Jace."_

After everyone got to Idris I asked Magnus and my siblings for some privacy so that I could speak to Emma about why I never made it to Idris on Friday night. The conversation didn't go so well; she was pissed off at first; then she cried; then she got pissed off again; only to cry all over again. She punched me twice. She said the first punch was for how stupid I was to think killing myself would solve anything and she said the second punch was for making her cry. By the end of the night she wasn't mad at me anymore and her and I caught up with the rest of our group for a bonfire down by the lake. We all had a blast; good music; good fun with loved ones; and plenty of cold beer for everyone. I failed at my attempt to get a good night's sleep before my ceremony considering it was after three when I finally found my way to my bed at Mayrse and Robert Lightwoods (they are my adoptive parents as well as Alec and Izzy's birth parents) house.

When my alarm goes off at six in the morning; I roll out of bed still feeling drunk. After a long cold shower and a half a pot of strong coffee I feel much better. At eight in the morning I am clean shaved and wearing my ceremony clothes as I stand before the council. The ceremony is long and boring and I find it hard to concentrate on all the drivel that is coming out of the clave member's mouths. I do my best to keep my eyes away from Emma, Magnus and my siblings because every time I glance at one of them; they end up making a stupid face that makes me feel the urge to laugh; laughing will not be tolerated from the council.

I am supposed to be taking this ceremony serious; after all it is an honor to be deemed as an official shadowhunter. I am honored to be a demon slayer and the protector of the innocent mundanes of this earth but I have been a shadowhunter and a protector for over half of my life already; this stupid ceremony just makes it all official. Being deemed as an official shadowhunter only means that I will need to be more careful with what I do from here on out. The clave allows for leniency towards adolescent shadowhunters because they feel we need to make mistakes to learn and grow but they won't bend and inch for an adult shadowhunter because they feel all our lessons and growing should be completed by the time we attend our ceremony.

After my ceremony is complete there is a round of applause from the group that has attended today and I can hear my siblings as well as Emma and Magnus cheering and whistling at me. I end up letting out a small laugh when I hear Emma shout that I have a nice butt; my laughter stops cold when a single voice cuts through all the other noise in the accords hall. My eyes frantically scan the crowd of people in front of me and I turn around to see if maybe she is hiding in one of the alcoves but there is no sign of her bright red hair anywhere. My heartrate goes back to normal as I realize that I was only imagining hearing Clary shout my name; but to my own surprise I don't feel disappointment or sadness; I find myself smiling instead. I smile because I hope where ever that green eyed girl is she is working hard at finding her own happiness because I know I am trying my hardest to find mine.

I am setting at the guest of honor seat in the dining room of the accords hall and I couldn't feel like a bigger idiot as the room full of people stare at me with expectant eyes; they are all waiting for me to stand up and give some great speech. I guess I'll just have to wing it. I clear my throat as I rise from my chair and take a moment to look at all the people in the room before words start to spill out of my mouth.

"Um…Well first of all I just want to say thank you to all of you for attending my ceremony today. I want to thank the council for welcoming me into the clave and providing this lovely meal. Most of all I want to thank my family for always being there for me even when I didn't deserve to have you there. Blood doesn't make you family; the word family to me is more of a feeling than just a simple word. As I look down at the people setting at this table in front of me not a single one of them share any genetics with me but these people are my family and I love them dearly; I will forever be thankful to have such amazing people in my life…Oh and I promise to be the best shadowhunter that I can be and I promise to slay many, many demons and I promise to always keep the mundanes of this world safe from harm. Okay let's eat and drink beer!"

I set back down in my seat as the crowd laughs at the silly ending to my speech and end up jumping back up to add something else to make them laugh.

"Wait! One more quick thing and then we can stuff ourselves like pigs and get drunk off all the free booze. This part of my speech really only goes out to all the single ladies in the room. I am a sexy single shadowhunter myself and if any of you gorgeous ladies find me to be intriguing well I won't be too hard to find. I'll warn you though; tickets to this ride are selling fast so don't be shy girls; make your move."

Now the room is roaring with laugher as I take my seat once more. My laughter tapers off and the smile slips from my face as I look at my family in front of me. Tears fill my eyes when I see the look of hope in all of their eyes for me. I blink my eyes rapidly and chug half a beer just to settle my emotions down. Everyone at the dinner seems to be having a good time and as we are eating our dessert I set my fork down on my plate at tap Magnus on the shoulder to get his attention. He smiles softly at me when he turns to look at me.

"Did you want to talk to me or were you trying to get Alec's attention?"

"I wanted to ask you a question Magnus."

"So ask me then."

"What about Clary?"

"What about her?"

"Did you have a dream that wasn't a dream about her too?"

"I did actually."

"Please tell me it was a good one Magnus. Please tell me that she will find happiness one day too."

"It was a good one Jace. Biscuit will find her own happiness in the future."

"Does someone come into her life and bring her the happiness she deserves or does she find it on her own?"

"She finds most of her happiness on her own but there is a special person that will make her truly happy."

There is a lump in my throat because of Magnus's words yet I manage to keep myself from crying and smile instead. My threat of tears isn't from sadness; they are from hope. I truly want Clary to find a way to be happy where ever she is; even if it's never going to be where ever I am.

"Thank you Magnus."

"You're welcome Jace…remember silly boy; keep trying."

"I will most definitely keep trying."

The celebratory lunch is over and the crowd of people have thinned out only leaving the younger crowd to enjoy an evening of drinking and dancing. I lost count of all the girls I danced with throughout the night; and I couldn't tell you even one of their names but it was fun dancing anyhow. My last dance of the evening goes to my sister and after the music stops I feel like I could sleep for three days from all the food and alcohol in my system.

Magnus, Emma, my siblings and myself spend the rest of the week in Idris having a great time and by the time Emma portals to LA and the rest of us portal to New York I feel completely relaxed from our visit to the home country.

I spend the next week moving my things out of my apartment and catching up with Simon. After I get my bedroom at the institute cleaned and back in order I decide to go through some of my old clothes to see if there is anything I can donate. Considering I left half of this stuff here when I moved out for four months I probably could do with a little downsizing to my wardrobe. I manage to fill two boxes with a mixture of pants, shirts and a few jackets. Just as I am about to pick up the boxes to take them to the homeless shelter the green jacket on the top of the pile makes me stop. I lift the jacket and dig my hands into the pocket; when my fingers wrap around the small card; a smile comes to my face. I look at the card for a moment and shove it into the drawer of my nightstand before taking the boxes to donate them to the shelter. I will call Alva tomorrow and set up an appointment with her. As much as I can talk to Alec about everything I decided that talking to a grief counselor will only ensure my future happiness further.


	23. Chapter 23

**Song List For This Chapter…. **

**Dead On Arrival - Fall Out Boys**

**Black Beauty - Lana Del Rey**

**Eight Days - Twin Atlantic**

**Laid - New Medicine**

**Don't - Ed Sheeran**

**Cold Desert - Kings Of Leon ((love this song))**

**Till It's Gone - YelaWolf**

**Not Meant To Be - Theory Of A Deadman**

**Last Man Standing - Pop Evil**

**Bottled Affection - Cold War Kids**

**Kids On Drugs - The Xcerts**

**Forget It - Breaking Benjamin**

EIGHT MONTHS LATER

I nearly drop the cake in my hand as I try to balance it and shove a bundle of flowers under my arm as I step off the subway. I manage to walk the three blocks from the subway to the cemetery without dropping anything and now I am setting beside Heathers grave as I stare up into the clouds.

"It's a really pretty day out today baby girl. Mommy deserves to have a pretty day on her birthday doesn't she? I didn't want you to feel left out so I brought you some flowers. Should we sing happy birthday to mommy then?"

I softly sing the birthday song to the clouds and close my eyes before my whispers come out of my mouth.

"Clarissa Fairchild, where ever you are my beautiful girl I hope you have a wonderful birthday and I pray that you are happy or at least still trying your hardest to find happiness. You are a feisty little thing and I know you will make me and baby girl proud by trying your hardest; you never were one to give up on things. I miss you…and I love you so much Clary…there will never be a day where I won't miss you or won't love you…Dr. Arlick…well I call her Alva but anyhow; she said that I am allowed to miss you and she told me that it's okay to love you for the rest of my life. So as long as I am still breathing I will miss you and love you every day. I'm still working on finding happiness but I know it will come some day; just knowing that makes me happy in a different way. I hope you have that same kind of faith inside of you Clary because you deserve to be happy."

"Thank you for singing to me Jace; you always did have such a lovely singing voice."

If I wouldn't have been setting on the ground I would have fallen over when I heard her voice as she stepped out from behind the tree. She looks breathtaking in her yellow dress; I always though yellow was the best color to compliment her red hair and green eyes and yellow always makes her creamy skin look even creamier somehow. I find my mouth completely dry and my brain doesn't seem to want to help me out with any kind of words at the moment; so I just sit there in shock as the girl that will forever own my heart makes her way towards our daughter's grave. I remain in my catatonic state as I watch her kneel to the ground as she places a single white rose on top of Heathers grave. Her green eyes are sparkling in the sun as she looks at me with one of her smiles that she only ever gives to me.

"I didn't mean to interrupt your time with Heather but since you were singing to me and talking about me then I figured it would be okay to come out of my hiding spot behind that tree over there."

"W-what are you d-doing here Clary?"

"It's my birthday Jace; and I wanted to spend some time with my daughter on my birthday. I hid behind the tree when I saw you coming."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you hide behind the tree? It's your birthday and she's your daughter too so I would never stop you from spending time with her. I usually come here at least once a week anyhow so if you want me to give you time with her I can just come back tomorrow."

"No, please don't leave Jace…crap this is not going as planned at all. I should have known you would be here today…I should have left as soon as I saw you coming…I should have stayed behind that tree."

I brush the dirt off the back of my jeans as I stand and do my best to smile at Clary before I prepare to finally say the goodbye that I deserved to say to her a little over a year ago.

"I'll go. Enjoy your time with baby girl and I hope you have a good birthday Clary."

I watch her scramble up off the ground and I have to close my eyes when electricity soars through my body from having her hand pressed against my chest.

"Wait! Please don't go Jace. Please just hear me out first okay."

I open my eyes and look into her green eyes and they are moist with the threat of tears as her small hand remains against my chest. My eyes dart up to the scar at the base of her hairline and if I didn't know where to look; I might not have even noticed it at all because it's so faint now. I am not sure what to say to her and her tear filled eyes make a lump form in my throat; I never could stand to see her cry and it takes everything in me not to wrap my arms around her so I can make her tears go away. I take a deep breath and nod my head at her so she knows that I am listening to her.

"I turned eighteen today Jace. I'm not a child anymore; I am an official adult. My ceremony is in three days and I am so happy about that; I only hope to look as focused as you did at your ceremony."

"You were at my ceremony?"

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world Jace; you looked so handsome in your ceremonial colors."

"I knew I wasn't imagining hearing your voice shout my name. I could pick your sweet voice out of a million people every time."

"I didn't mean to have you hear me; I was just so happy for you that I let my excitement get the best of me. As soon as I got done shouting I got out of there just in case you did hear me. I won't lie it makes me happy that you heard me; lets me know you didn't forget the sound of my voice."

"Clary I could never forget the sound of your voice; I could never forget anything about you."

"Your speech made me laugh you know; especially the last part when you told the girls to make their moves because tickets were selling fast."

"It was only a joke; none of them took me seriously."

"Who are you trying to kid Jace? You said the words yourself; you are a young sexy shadowhunter; of course they took you serious."

"Well nothing came from it. I ended the night dancing with my sister."

"I know, I saw."

"You were there the entire time!"

"I missed about an hour of it while I spoke to Alec but yes I was there the entire time."

"Why were you talking to Alec?"

"I wanted to tell him I was ready but then he told me about Hailey and about how you wanted to kill yourself…he told me what he did to stop you…he told me that even though I thought I was ready he knew you still need more time."

"Ready for what? More time for what?"

"Ready to be with each other again. More time to heal."

"That was eight months ago. I take it you changed your mind about wanting to be with me again."

I can't help the coldness that comes out of my voice as I take a few steps away from her; her hand drops from my chest and her green eyes go wide with realization of the pain she sees in my eyes.

"Jace Wayland I have never and will never change my mind about you. I love you with all my heart and I never stopped loving you; I was just lost for a while. When I finally found myself you were the first person I thought of. I was ready eight months ago and I am still ready today. Alec asked me to be patient and give you some more time but as each week turned into a month and each month turned into several I started to feel like you might never be ready. Two weeks ago I screamed at Alec on the phone because he was still hesitant to let me come see you. He told me to calm down and take the time to plan my return before I just showed up here. Seeing you here today has messed up all my planning."

"What planning?"

"I started off my conversations with you by telling you that today I turned eighteen remember."

"Yes."

"I waited until I was an adult to come see you because I knew it would take a bold move to win you back after being gone for twelve and a half months. I was planning on coming to see you tomorrow and I was planning on asking you to marry me. I wanted the two of us to go to Idris and get married the same day as my ceremony. I thought that if I could convince you to marry me then you would know how much I love you. Then you would know how serious I am about you and that I will never leave your side for the rest of my life."

Clary just looks at me with the saddest smile on her face and the words come spilling out of my mouth before I can stop them.

"I cheated on you."

"No you didn't Jace."

"Yes I did! It was Hailey…she was naked in my bed…I kissed her…I touched her…I started to have sex with her…I didn't finish…I couldn't because all I could think about was you…I cheated on you Clary."

"Jace you and I weren't together when that happened. Alec told me about what happened with Hailey when I talked to him the night of your ceremony. Hearing how out of your mind you were at the time was the only reason why I didn't burst into the accords hall and proclaim my love for you. I know you still needed time to heal."

"You're not angry with me then?"

"No. I love you Jace and I want to spend the rest of my life proving my love to you. I want to grow old with you. I want to have children with you and I want to hold your hand on some porch as we watch our grandchildren playing in the back yard on a hot summer night."

"Clary…I don't know what to say…I never expected to ever see you again let alone hear you say things like that to me…this is all a little overwhelming for me right now to be honest with you."

As Clary spoke her dreams of the future to me she made her way closer to me and by the time she finished she had her hands pressed against my heart as she looked up at me with her green eyes. I found myself removing her hands from my heart as I took few steps away from her when I told her how overwhelmed she made me feel. I find myself searching her face for an answer to a question that was never even asked to even know the answer to. Her bright green eyes lose some of their sparkle as she studies my face.

"I'm sorry for saying all of those things to you Jace and I am sorry for overwhelming you. I understand that you need time to process all of this. I am going to give you time; I am staying at the Hillman tonight and I will portal to Idris tomorrow afternoon. I realize that you might need more time; maybe a life time for all I know but just know that I will be ready when you are and even if it's a year from now or ten years from now you will be able to find me. I always tell Alec where I am and he will know to tell you where I am if you want to find me from now on; I'm done running. I love you and will always love you no matter what."

I watch her red hair get dimmer and dimmer as she makes her way through the cemetery; even after I can no longer see her; I continue to just stare off into the sea of headstones that seem to be endless. I drop down to my knees in front of my daughter's grave as tears fill my eyes.

"What should daddy do baby girl? Mommy says she loves me and wants to marry me so what should I do? Please help me out here baby girl; I feel lost all over again right now."

I just stare at Heathers headstone for a few minutes waiting for some kind of sign to lead me in the right direction but the sign never comes and I feel myself slipping into the darkness that I have fought so hard to claw my way out of. I start running my palms over my thighs to try to calm my ragged breathing; when my hand bumps my cellphone in my pocket I know what I need to do. I pull my phone out and type a quick text.

_**ME: 217-0226- Please come to Heather's grave. I need to speak with you**_**.**

After I push send; I shut my phone off and lie down on my daughter's grave as I wait. I'm not certain how much time passes but buy the way the sky looks and the location of the sun it must be getting close to five in the afternoon; if that's true then I have been laying on my daughters grave for close to two hours. I decide to make a note of where the sun is so I will know when another hour has passed and after that hour passes and I find myself still alone; I will get the answer I need and go home with my head held high.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to get here Jace. I forgot my phone and just got your text about twenty minutes ago. I came straight here."

"Thank you for coming; I was only going to wait for another hour and then I was going to go home."

"I see you brought Heather some flowers today; they are very pretty."

"I didn't want her to feel left out on her mother's birthday."

"How thoughtful of you. Is that what the cake is for?"

"Baby girl and I sang her mommy happy birthday and I ate half the cake while I waited for you to come."

"I hope she heard you singing to her; I'd like to think she could. I'm here now so what did you need to talk to me about."

"I know you told me you would never tell me who would walk into my life and bring me happiness again but I am lost right now Magnus. Clary did hear me singing happy birthday to her because she was here today. She told me she still loves me and she asked me to go to Idris and marry her three days from now. All I could think about was your dream Magnus. Hearing Clary say all those things to me and seeing that look in her green eyes makes me want her to be that person in your dream so bad it hurts. I don't know what to do because I feel so lost and confused right now. I asked baby girl to help me out but she's stubborn just like her mother and she was no help. Please Magnus, I am begging you right now, please help me."

"Let me ask you a question Jace."

"What?"

"What is your heart telling you to do right now?"

"It's telling me to go to the Hillman and kiss that girl until I'm dizzy."

"Then you don't need me to answer your question."

"Damn it Magnus! Yes I do! Don't you get it? I want it to be her so fucking bad but if it's not her…if Clary isn't the person you saw in your dream then I don't want to go after her…I don't want to have her back only to lose her all over again. I finally got to the point where it doesn't hurt to just breathe every day and I have worked so hard to get to that point so you have to understand why I need you to answer my question."

"Jace…get up off the ground and go kiss that green eyed girl until you feel dizzy."

I jump up off of Heathers grave and grab ahold of Magnus and give his slim body a hard shake.

"It's her then? Clary is the person you saw in your dream?"

"Yes Jace and you were the person I saw in her dream as well."

I pull Magnus in for a quick hug and plant a kiss on Heathers grave before I bolt out of the cemetery to go get my girl back. Thirty-five minutes later I am covered in sweat and breathing hard as I kick myself in the ass for not taking the subway back into the city. I am still trying to catch my breath when I approach the check-in desk at the Hillman.

"Can I help you young man?"

"I'm here to see…my…to see…can you please tell me what room Clarissa Fairchild is staying in?"

"That isn't the kind of information we give out to someone who just walk in off the street. We here at the Hillman take pride in our security."

"She wants to see me I promise. She told me to come here."

"I have special instructions to only allow one person to have the information as to which room she is staying in."

"Who is that one person?"

"Well I certainly can't tell you that young man. Tell me your name and I can tell you whether or not it's the same name on the screen."

"My name is Jace Wayland."

"Miss Fairchild is in room thirty-one."

"Thank you! Thank you so much!"

I push the button on the elevator over and over again until it finally opens up and after I press the number three button; the elevator is so slow that I am kicking myself for not taking the stairs. I end up slamming into the cleaning ladies cart when I bolt out of the elevator. I quickly apologize to her and slow my eager legs down to a fast paced walk instead of a full on sprint as I make my way down the long hall. I keep my eyes focused on the left side of the hallway where the odd numbered rooms are located.

Thirty-nine…

thirty-seven…

thirty-five…

thirty-three…

THIRTY-FUCKING-HALLELUJAH-ONE!

I take a minute to run my fingers through my messy hair and control my rapid breathing before I reach my hand up and gently knock three times on the door and wait for it to open. I grab the collar of my t-shirt and use the material to wipe the sweat off my face quickly and swallow the gum(hopefully it's a decent substitute for not having a toothbrush) that's in my mouth. Dear god I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest because it's beating so fast; that or it will end up stopping all together for waiting for her to open this damn door. I fight the urge to not only knock again but to kick the stupid door down because I feel like the few second I have been waiting for her to answer has been days or even weeks of time. I realize now that I have been waiting for an entire year for her to open this door; longer even because she locked me out of her heart the day she woke up from that coma so long ago.

I hear the safety chain on the other side of the door jingle and my stomach flips violently as I see the door swing open. Clary's red hair is wrapped in a towel on top of her head and she is wearing a fluffy bathrobe that looks like its big enough to fit my tall frame; she looks so tiny as she holds a platter with a silver dome on top of it and her eyes are focused on it instead of the person standing at her door.

"You can shove your steak sauce up your ass now! This steak is ice cold and I won't be eating it so just…"

She doesn't finish her sentence and the metal dome crashes to the floor but I manage to steady the platter in her hand so it doesn't spill all over the floor. The two of us just stand there with our hands on the tray of food as her door swings shut because I kicked it shut with my foot. I blink twice and shove the platter of food out of our hands to see it drop to the floor as food flies across the carpet. In a split second I have the towel off her head and my fingers slide into her wet curls as my mouth crashes into hers. Clary's lips move in perfect unison with mine and her tiny hands pull hard at my sweaty hair as I slide my tongue into her mouth; we both groan at the feel of our kiss. I feel her body hop up into the air and I grab her hips in time to help her slide her legs around my hips as I begin to blindly make my way towards the bed on the other side of the room.

Clary has her feet locked behind my thighs as her kisses grows hungrier; her strong mouth movements tells me she has waited an eternity for this moment and my lips tell her I have waited just as long as she has. When my knees finally bump up against the mattress of her bed; the two of us make a breathless noise as her back falls on the bed and I press my body against hers. I break our kiss and lift my body up slightly as she assaults my neck with her mouth and I pull the knot to her bathrobe open so I can see her naked body for the first time in a year. My breath catches in my throat at the site of her. Her body looks the same but completely different at the same time. She has strong muscles in her abdomen and the flare of her hip bone is curvier than I remember it; what I thought was the perfect size breasts for her small body are now almost a full cup size larger than they were a year ago. I remember how slim her creamy thighs were but now they are round with muscles as they clamp tightly around my body. When she scrambles her arms out of the sleeves of her bathrobe I can see the hard muscles move under her creamy skin as she attempts to pull my t-shirt off my body.

I grab both of her hands in one of mine as I raise her arms above her head to slow her down a little bit. She stops biting my neck and her green eyes are full of passion when she looks at me.

"What's wrong Jace?"

"Nothing's wrong; I just want to look at you for a minute Clary. You have always been so damn beautiful to me but seeing you like this…dear god Clary…do you have any idea how amazingly sexy you are?"

"All those long hours spent in the training room have paid off."

"I can see that but it's more than just hours spent in the training room. Clary you're…well you're a woman now."

"As much as I appreciate all the compliments you are giving me I want to know when I get to see you. When do I get to see the body of the man I love after not seeing it for a year?"

I let out a small chuckle as I let her hands go and pull my t-shirt off my head.

"You are always in such a hurry to get me naked aren't you Clarissa."

"I can't resist your gorgeous body. Seeing in right now makes me…what's that?"

"What's what Clary?"

Her tiny fingers grab ahold of the chain that is wrapped around my neck as her green eyes take in the two items that hang from it. I curl my fingers around her hand and close my eyes for a moment.

"It's your engagement ring and the other thing is a set of tiny feet that I had Heathers initials engraved on the back of. I never take this necklace off; I want both of my girls with me at all times."

"Jace…I love you so much." Tears well up in her green eyes.

"I love you Clary…please don't cry…I don't want you to be sad…I want to see you smile my beautiful girl…" I whisper these words to her as I kiss the tears off her cheek. Saying those words out loud takes me all the way back to the first time I ever made love to Clary; it might have been almost two years ago when Clary gave me her virginity but I remember that special moment just like it was yesterday.

"I'm not sad…I'm happy. I am so happy right now Jace."

When my lips brush across her mouth a few times before settling in for a long kiss; her hands slide over my skin with a slow seductive speed. Our frantic kissing that we started when I first got here is gone now and the desire to savor each other's touches makes us both take our time; after all we have the rest of our lives for wild sex and quickies as I have her bent over a dresser when we are in a hurry. Right now there isn't anything else in the world that needs our attention more than the two of us making love all through the night to try to make up for missing each other for the last year.

I kiss every inch of her body slowly as her hands explore my naked body; I pause my kisses to whisper sweet things to her or to tell her how much I love her or to tell her how much I missed her. When my lips reach the long pink scar that sits just above her pelvis; I take the time to kiss it from one side all the way to the other side. When I finally slide my length into her center we both sigh loudly and hold each other tightly as we keep our bodies locked together without either one of us making a move.

"Home…" I whisper into her ear.

"Home…" She whispers back just as softly as I begin to rock into her.

My rocking is slow and sweet as I watch her beautiful face change as I bring her closer and closer to her breaking point.

"You are so beautiful Clary."

"Please Jace…please." She pants.

"Slow baby…slow…I want to watch you…I have missed those green eyes of yours and I don't want to miss a single moment of this."

After we make love for the third time I collapse onto the mattress as I try to catch my breath. Clary rests her sweaty head against my chest as she tries to regain control over her own breathing. After ten minutes we are both breathing normal and I am running my finger through her red hair as I stare at the ceiling of her hotel room. I feel my eyelids grow heavy but my mouth is so dry that I feel the need to untangle myself from Clary so I can get up and get some much needed water to quench my thirst. I pat my hand on her lower back to get her attention.

"Let me up Clary."

She sits up and when she turns to look at me she has a strange look in her eyes.

"Are you leaving?"

"No…I am just getting a drink of water. Would you like me to bring you some too?"

"Yes please."

After I get two bottles of water out of the mini-fridge in her room her question hits me hard. She thinks I am going to leave her. I sit on the bed and wait for her to take a drink of her water as I take a drink of my own and once she returns the cap to her bottle I see that strange look in her eyes again. I slide closer to her and take her hand in mine. 

"Relax Clary; I'm not going to leave you. I would never leave you sweetheart; I love you too much to do something like that."

"That only makes me feel worse when you say it like that."

"What do you mean?"

"Like me leaving you meant I didn't love you enough or something."

I grab her by her waist and pull her onto my lap before I cup her face in my hands.

"Listen to me Clary…you leaving me only proves how much you really do love me…I know when you left you couldn't feel anything let alone love but you were so much smarter about everything than I was…you knew the only chance you could ever have at finding your love for me again was to leave…you knew that if you stayed and the two of us continued to live the way we were then who we are as individuals and who we are together would be destroyed somehow…it took me a long time to figure all that out but when I did…Oh my sweet Clary…when I did finally figure out why you left; that was the first day in a long time that I truly felt any kind of happiness."

"Does this mean that my plan to try to win you back didn't fail as bad as I thought it did?"

"You never lost me to begin with Clary so how could you win me back? Do you have any idea how many times I have dreamed about you coming home to me?"

"Then why did you leave me hanging at the cemetery earlier? If I never lost you then why did you let me walk away from you again when I finally did come back to you?"

"I wanted to kiss you so bad at our daughter's grave site today and it took everything in my power not to. The reason why I didn't kiss you; the reason why I let you walk away was because I needed to make sure the way I was feeling was the right thing. Eight months ago Magnus told me that he knew for certain that I would find a way to be happy again one day. I asked him how he knew that and he told me it was because he had one of his dreams that aren't really a dream. He told me that one day someone will come into my life and that person will make me feel happiness again. I asked him who that person was but he refused to tell me. A couple of days later I asked him if he had one of his dreams about you too; he said yes. He told me that he dreamed that you too would find happiness again when a special person came into your life. I didn't ask him who that person was that would make you happy because at the time I was just content to know that one day you would find your happiness again. When you left the cemetery; I asked baby girl to help me out; I asked her to give me some kind of sign on what I should do because my heart was telling me…no not telling me…my heart was screaming at me to run after you and kiss you until I felt dizzy."

"What kind of sign did our daughter give you that made you come here then?"

"She didn't actually; baby girl is apparently just as stubborn as her mother is; she was completely unhelpful to my dilemma. I started to freak out a little bit and I was running my hands over my legs to try to calm my breathing; I was so scared of slipping back into the darkness Clary…when my hand brushed up against my phone…I knew only one person in this world would be able to end my suffering…three hours after I text him; Magnus finally showed up at Heathers grave just when I was about to give up all hope and go the hell home."

"What did Magnus say to you?"

"After I told him you were here and after I told him what my heart was telling me to do; I begged him to tell me if you were that special person he saw in his dream…he said you were Clary and he said that I was that special person that he saw in the dream he had about you. I wanted to be sure because I worked so hard to get to where I am today and I knew that happiness was just around the corner…I didn't want all my hard work and all my patience to go to waste if you weren't the person in Magnus's dream…I didn't want to go after you if it only meant you were going to leave me again."

"I could promise you until I'm blue in the face that I will never leave you again but I promised you that once before and ended up breaking my promise to you."

"You don't need to make that promise to me Clary because I already know you will never leave me again. I have faith that Magnus's dream was not just a dream but a true premonition of our future. The way you looked at me at the cemetery today when you told me you wanted to grow old with me and hold my hand as we watched our grandchildren play in the backyard also tells me you will never leave me again. I could see the same thing you saw…I could see our wrinkled skin and our grey hair as we watched all those grandkids running and laughing. I'm sorry I made you wait for three hours before I came here but I just had to be completely sure that you and I were the people Magnus saw in each other's lives."

"Do you accept my proposal then?"

"You really want to get married in three days? Don't you want a big wedding?"

"You are asking the girl that owns two pairs of shoes and hates to shop if she wants a big wedding?"

"Well this is true…but I though a big wedding was every girls dream."

"You're my dream Jace…I don't need a big fancy wedding to have my dream come true. You are all I want and you are all I am ever going to want."

"You are all I am ever going to want too Clary but I don't want you to be my dream. I want you to be my reality…you are my life…and we can't live our lives if we spend all of our time dreaming. So I think it's time the two of us woke up and started living."

"Are you tired Jace?"

"I can see that look in your eye…aren't you sore?"

"Maybe a little but I want to make love again."

"You do know that we have the rest of our lives to make love don't you?"

"Yes and we should start right now."

"Christ Clary…you will be the death of me some day."

She giggles as I lay back on the bed and she lets out a loud yelp when I gently slap her naked butt with the palm of my hand.

"Wow…you actually liked that didn't you Clary."

"How red are my cheeks right now?"

"Turn around and I'll tell you."

She swats my chest playfully with her hand and she rolls her eyes at me.

"I meant my face you pervert."

"Your cheeks are the perfect shade of pink and I have been waiting a year to see you roll those green eyes of yours at me."

"You look tired Jace."

"I am tired; you wear me out woman. I've made love to you three times over that last four hours and I'm whooped."

"Good thing for you all my extra training gives me plenty of energy. I will make love to you and you can just watch me."

"Good thing for you that I like to watch you."

"Baby."

"What? Did you just call me baby Clary?"

"No I want you to call me baby; I miss you saying that to me."

I lift my head off the mattress and consume her full lips with my mouth for a deep kiss. I break our kiss when I feel her hand moving between our bodies. She sits up and I see her pleasuring herself with her tiny fingers and blood pools to my lower body at a rapid pace. I run my hands over her body as she begins to roll her hips while she continues to stroke herself and my eyes drink in every beautiful second of it.

"Fuck your sexy Clary…I could watch you do that all day."

"I want you inside of me Jace." Her words come out in almost a growl and hearing her say those words like that makes my whole body shudder with electricity. I grab her hips and lift her up so she can line her center up with my shaft and after she lowers herself completely over my shaft the noise she makes is almost enough to push me over the edge completely.

"Make love to me baby…make love to me until you can't say anything but my name anymore." I coo as she begins to roll her hips deliciously against mine.

It's almost four in the morning by the time we get out of the shower and crawl into bed to get some much needed sleep. I pull her to my side and kiss the top of her head before whispering to her.

"I feel like I could sleep for a week."

"You can't sleep for a week Jace; you will miss my ceremony and you will miss our wedding."

"We are seriously getting married in three days…actually its two days now?"

"I'll be the hot red head with the ugly gold dress on."

"You will make a beautiful bride Clary. I can't wait to see you in a beautiful gold dress as we both get our unity runes."

"You can always wear the dress and I can wear the suit."

"Nice try Clary; do you have any idea how many men I would have to fight off if I wore a dress. It's hard enough being this sexy to woman but if I have to worry about a pack of wild men chasing me too then I better start spending some extra time in the training room."

The two of us giggle softly but after a moment Clary is laughing so hard that she ends up gasping for air.

"Oh…oh Jace…I have missed you so much…you don't know how happy I am to know that you haven't lost your cocky sense of humor."

"I was born this way; I can't help it."

"Stop making me laugh; it hurts when I laugh."

"That's your problem not mine Clary. I wanted to stop after the third time. You are the one that added another two times to our love making count for the evening; so it's your own damn fault that you are sore."

"I know and it's worth it…in fact…" Her hand starts to slide down my waist but I grab her hand before it can travel any lower.

"Have mercy on me Clary…I don't have anything left in me…I am as dry as a dessert right now…how can you even move right now…my whole body feels like one big bowl of jelly."

"I know what you mean; I might not be able to walk tomorrow…my poor legs ache so much right now."

"I'll carry you if you can't walk tomorrow."

"I just might hold you to that Jace."

"Get some sleep my beautiful girl."

"I love you Jace."

"I love you Baby."

I couldn't tell you if Clary said goodnight or if the room was on fire after I told her I loved her because as soon as l closed my eyes I was fast asleep. I wake up the next day and every muscle in my body protest as I get out of bed and make my way towards the bathroom to empty my bladder. I find Clary at the sink brushing her teeth. She shamelessly watches me use the toilet and she giggles when I wink at her. I flush the toilet and go over and wrap my arms around her muscular yet still impossibly tiny waist before planting a few kisses on her neck.

"Did you sleep good baby?"

"Best sleep I've had in over a year actually."

"Me too. Does your body ache as bad as mine does right now?"

"Um…I'm a little sore…you know…down there but other than that I feel pretty good."

I chuckle around the toothbrush as I watch her pull her long red hair up into a knot on the top of her head. When she leans over the sink to watch herself apply lip gloss to her mouth I end up laughing loudly. Her green eyes catch my reflection in the mirror and she has a small grin on her face.

"Is something funny Jace."

"Just remembering something you once told me."

"Oh…what's that?"

"I was just remembering the time you said you wanted me to bend you over the dresser so I could watch you in the mirror."

Clary stands up and I can't see if she is smiling or not as she tosses a wet wash cloth on to the bathroom floor. When she turns around her eyes are glassy; I step forward and wrap my arms around her just as she buries her face into my chest.

"What's wrong baby?"

"That's the same day we lost our daughter."

"Oh…oh Clary, I am so sorry if I upset you."

"It's okay…my therapist said it's good to remember and she said it's healthy to cry sometimes."

"You have a therapist too?"

"Not anymore. I haven't seen Dr. Benton for almost six months."

"Why did you stop seeing her?"

"I didn't need to see her anymore. She got me to talk about everything that I needed to and she helped me learn how to deal with my pain and loss."

"Alva has helped me through a lot of things too but I think Alec had the biggest effect on my mental state."

"Alec is amazing; he was always there for me when I needed to talk to him. He should be a therapist; he's good at listening and he seems to know the right things to say to people."

"I completely agree with you. I spent a lot of years shutting him out but now that I'm older I have learned to appreciate how amazing my parabitai really is. What he did for you and I will have me forever grateful to him."

"Do you know Alec loves me more than he loves you."

"Of course he does; you are much prettier than I am Clary."

"No, I am being completely serious; ask him yourself if you don't believe me."

"Don't worry I will. What time do you have to leave?"

"Idris is expecting me to portal at noon today."

"Shit…that's only twenty minutes from now. I thought I had more time; I was planning on taking you for breakfast before you left."

"Remind me again why you aren't coming with me Jace?"

"You see there is this tiny red head that insist I marry her in two days and now I have a shit load of stuff to do in a very short amount of time."

"She sounds hideous. You should blow her off and run away with me instead."

"I will get the boys and my sister to help me and I will be in Idris by dinner time tomorrow I promise."

"Are you staying at the Lightwoods then?"

"Well yeah…aren't you staying there too?"

"I can if you want me to but all my stuff is in my room and it might be easier if you just stay with me instead."

"Where is that?"

"At the Academy, of course. Where else would I stay in Idris?"

"You were in the home country this entire time?"

"Yes."

"Wow."

"You sound very surprised to hear this. Where did you think I was?"

"I mean, I guess I thought…maybe you were on the beach somewhere or in Paris eating fancy food and painting all day."

"Nope…I have been at the Academy."

"Well shit…I guess I better be careful around you now."

"Why?"

"You have spent the last year being trained by the best of the best. Maybe you will have some new things to teach me."

"You know what's funny about that…I thought that I would learn all this new stuff at the Academy but there wasn't anything that they could teach me that I didn't already know. As a matter of fact I was able to teach them a few things after I was there for six months. I could have taught them those things right away but I didn't because I didn't want to draw any attention to myself; I just tried to blend in with the group without being singled out. Once I got more comfortable with the group and had a grasp on my mental state and my emotions; I started interacting with the instructors and then I finally showed them my moves. My instructors were very pleased with my skills; they told me that for someone that spent the first sixteen years as a mundane I have excelled in my training. They asked me who was my main instructor here in New York and I explained to them that the Lightwood's were a big part of my training but I owe all my major learned skills to Jace Wayland."

"Wow…Clary…I don't really know what to say…it's an honor to know that out of all your instructors and all the training you have had that I was the one who has taught you the most."

"I don't know why you are so surprised Jace; you are in my opinion the best shadowhunter your age. I may have been living in Idris for the past year but I was able to visit several other institutes; I went to London, Peru, Russia, and Japan. I was very impressed by the master instructors at all the institutes but not a single one of them showed me anything that you haven't already showed me."

"Well…you are wrong about one thing Clary."

"Oh, what's that?"

"I am a good shadowhunter but I have spent my entire life training. You on the other hand have only had maybe two years total training and you are just as good as I am…I take that back; you are so much better than I am. In my opinion, you are the greatest shadowhunter I know."

"No I'm not. You are just being silly."

"Hear me out on this Clary; the reason why you are so much better than I am is because you always take the time to think things through. Even though you take the time to think before you act; you still manage to act almost immediately. I am guilty of acting first and thinking later; I might be a good shadowhunter but I am also dangerous. Why do you think Alec is my parabitai? Alec is the cautious one and I am the reckless one; we balance each other out."

"You are definitely reckless; that's for sure." She chuckles.

"Can I ask you something Clary?"

"Yes."

"Why did you wait so long to show your instructors how amazing you are? I know you can be shy but six months?"

"You were the reason why I waited so long."

"Me? Why?"

"Because, I knew once I showed them the things you taught me then I knew they would want to know who taught me. For the first four months I was gone I kept your name not just out of my mouth but out of my mind completely. Saying or thinking your name would have been just too painful for me; the name Jace Wayland had so many memories and feeling behind it and I just wasn't ready to deal with all of that for a while. I realize how stupid that sounds but keeping your name out of my mind seemed to help me get through a lot."

I just stand there staring at her for a short moment as what she said sinks in.

"It's not stupid." I whisper.

"It isn't?"

"I did the same exact thing. I kept your name out of my head for months too. Everyone around me knew that I didn't want your name spoken either and they were careful about what they said to me."

"Did it help you?"

I take a short minute to really think about how to answer her question as the two of us make our way towards the institute. I decide to just be honest with her.

"Not really; keeping your name out of my head didn't keep you out but it was nice pretending it would."

Clary stops walking and cast her eyes to the ground for a moment and when she looks at me again they are moist with the threat of tears. I hold her face between my hands and search her eyes to try to figure out why my words upset her.

"Jace…" She croaks.

"What is it baby? What's wrong?"

"Do you think Simon will ever forgive me?"

"Simon love you Clary; he will be so happy to see you."

"You don't have to do that Jace."

"Do what?"

"Shelter me; I understand why Simon would be upset with me so it's okay to tell me."

"He was heartbroken when you left without saying goodbye to him but he bounced back right away."

"What do you mean he bounced back?"

"Simon figured out why you needed to leave by the end of the first week. He understood that you needed to find yourself again and he was happy just knowing you were out there somewhere trying your hardest. Everyone had the same thoughts; everyone understood what you needed to do; everyone except me. It took me a really, really long time to come to terms with your absence but once I finally understood it; I think that's when I really started to breathe again."

Clary smiles weakly as she wipes a tear off her cheek and then she lets out the smallest chuckle.

"It's it crazy of me to have so much anxiety about going to Idris right now Jace?"

"Don't worry Clary, you are going to do just fine at your ceremony."

"It's not the ceremony that has me anxious; it's the thought of leaving you. I just got you back and I'm not ready to say goodbye."

"So don't say goodbye; don't think of it as you leaving me. I will see you in a day and a half. Once I get to Idris I will get to watch you complete your ceremony and then you are going to make me the happiest man alive when I hear those unity vows from your sweet lips."

Clary rises up on her tippy toes and I lower my cheek so she can kiss me; I grab her waist and capture her lips before she can get away. I kiss her long enough that she is breathless when I set her back down on her feet.

"I can't wait to hear those vows come out of your sweet mouth either Jace. I wish we could fast forward to that moment right now."

"You will feel the burn of our unity runes on your skin before you know it baby. I will see you soon okay."

"I love you."

"I love you baby."

She smiles sweetly before she steps into the portal and disappears. There isn't an ounce of worry inside of me watching her step into that portal because in fifty-two hours I know she will be standing next to me at the accords hall and becoming Mrs. Jace Wayland.

The next two and a half days go by in a blur; all of my free time as well as Alec and Magnus, Izzy and even Simon's; have been spent throwing together a wedding. Everyone chipped in and I think Clary will be happy with everything; of course she will. Clary doesn't care about all the flowers and decorations; all she cares about is becoming my wife.

Clary made it through her Ceremony without panicking or falling asleep from boredom and even managed to smile almost the entire time. Every time she glanced at me she would smile wider and each time I saw that I was the reason for that girl being happy made my heart swell with love.

Izzy, Magnus and Emma are down the hall with Clary; they are helping her get ready for our wedding. I am already dressed and am watching Alec tie Simons tie and I have to fight the urge to laugh at the two of them. A small chuckle ends up escaping my mouth and the two of them turn to look at me.

"What's so funny over there Jace?" Alec glares.

"You two…you guys are so damn cute."

"Not too bad yourself Angel boy."

"Stop flirting with me bloodsucker; I am going to be a married man soon and my wife won't like it."

Simon rolls his eyes and laughs as he adjusts his tie in the mirror. I had to pull some major strings to get the clave to allow Simon to come to Idris but they ended up allowing it. Alec stands beside him and adjusts his own tie and runs his fingers through his dark hair before giving up on fixing it. Alec's eyes go wide and he slaps his hand across his mouth.

"Don't worry about your hair Alec; it would be weird if your hair wasn't messy." I chuckle.

"No, it's not my hair. I forgot to give Magnus his flower for his lapel. I will run it down to him real quick."

"Um…actually would it be alright if Simon takes it to him? I would really like to speak with you for a minute in private before all this goes down."

I watch Alec hand Simon the small cluster of flowers and Simon gives me a wink before closing the door.

"What's wrong Jace? Are you getting cold feet?"

"No worries brother; my feet are toasty warm. I just wanted to ask you something."

"Oh…okay…what is it?"

"Clary claims that you love her more than you do me; is that true?"

"It is true actually."

"Can I ask why?" I am almost applauded by his confession.

"It might sound strange considering all the pain you have been through but that day that Clary came to me and told me she was leaving was the day I truly fell in love with her. She made me understand that her staying would only ruin you. I know how much Clary wanted to stay with you and fight to get back the love that she felt like she lost. I know how much strength it took for her to hold up her chin and walk away that day. I knew that with time you would find a way to understand and heal and I knew how much that girl really does love you even if she couldn't feel it anymore. I knew that if Clary could find herself again she would come back to you and she did. You two are going to be great from here on out. The two of you have grown so much over this past year that it is amazing to see. I love Clary more than I love you because without her there is no you Jace."

"Wow…I don't really know what to say other than I love you and thank you for everything Alec. If you would have told me where she was all this time I would have hunted her down and fucked up what little progress the two of us have made. We really have grown so much over the past year and I know in my heart that nothing will ever come between the two of us ever again and we have you to thank for that."

"You don't have to thank me; I just want the two of you to be happy."

"We are."

"Good! Now let's go get you married!"

I am surprised that Clary and I got through our wedding without crying like idiots but I think neither one of us cried because of how sure we both are about having a solid future together. The reception was a blast! Everyone had too much to drink and danced so badly that it will give us something to laugh about for years to come. As the night wound down and Clary and I were dancing to the slow music; Simon finally made his move and cut in on our dance so that he could get some one on one time with his best friend. I told the DJ to keep playing slow music so that Simon and Clary could say what they needed to say. I was surprised that it only took them two songs before they were both laughing. Clary told me that even though Simon was hurt by her leaving he understood why she left. She said that her and Simon would be just fine and I believe that she is right. The close bond between Simon and Clary will never be broken no matter how much time and distance is put between them.

The morning after our wedding Clary went to breakfast with Izzy and Emma; Alec, Magnus and Simon are at the accords hall cleaning up the mess from last night. I decide to spend my morning walking around the town square of Idris to enjoy the nice weather before Clary and I leave for Paris this evening to start our honeymoon. We are planning on spending the next two weeks doing anything and everything we want or nothing at all even; we just want to be alone and enjoy being married.

As I walk up to the fountain in the center of town I glance around and see several woman ducking in and out of the shops. The sound of laughing draws my attention towards a group of children running through the streets and I am hit with a wave of Deja vu at the sight and sounds around me. When I spot a young couple exchanging kisses and sweet words a huge smile spreads across my face as I wait for the next part of the dream that I had so long ago to happen. I continue to look into the cool water of the fountain for a few minutes; the whisper of my name pulls my attention from the water but I wait to turn around. When I feel a warm hand pressed against my back; electricity sparks through my entire body and my heart begins to pound in my chest. I turn around to see the most beautiful girl in the world. Clary's dark blue dress is snug and it shows off her curvy hips and her fuller chest. Her creamy skin is radiant as it stretches over the muscles of her strong legs.

Her full lips curve up into the sweet smile that she only ever gives to me and her small hand feels warm against my cheek. Her touch is always so magnetic; my lips kiss the inside of her palm as she smiles up at me with her emerald green eyes. I already know what she is going to say before her mouth even forms the words; she is going to say the words the melt me into a puddle of goo every time she says them.

"I love you Jace Wayland."

…**THE END…..**


End file.
